Eastbound & Down s03e03 Episode Script

This is fucking epic.
I never thought I'd be in Myrtle Beach with Kenny Fucking Powers.
Oh Oh, uh, why don't Hey, why don't you help unpack the boxes? I'm gonna go look for Kenny, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Love you.
Love you.
Whoa! Kenny! I fuckin' made it! You shredded! Surf's motherfuckin' up, nigga! Let's take it down a notch, Stevie.
There's lots of pussy at the beach! Yeah, dawg, that's how I do.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
I fuckin' made it, dude.
Hey, will you hit me with my towel real quick? Oh, hello, sir.
Yep.
I put Toby in that hole, so no one would try to kidnap him.
That's smart.
Parenting skills.
I don't know if, uh, you've been working out or what, but your body's lookin' good! Yeah, it is.
It's these waves, dawg.
It tightens everything up in the core.
Oh, nice, man.
You see me fuckin' dominate that wave there, Powers! Straight owning it, Shane! Uh, you know it! Top Gun, dawg, I'm Tom Cruise.
That's right I'm Tom Cruise Who's, who's thisperson? Who am I? Well, I'm the guy who's about to whip your ass for gettin' my truck shot with a cannonball, motherfucker Uh-oh, oh, oh, oh! - Oh - Oh! Oh-ho! He boned you! - We got, we got Uh, I'm just fuckin' with you, man.
This is Shane.
That's right.
He's my best friend.
Yeah.
Best friends? Really? Yeah.
It's really good meetin' ya.
Oh! Burned him twice! Twice! He's at the beach, motherfucker! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - He's in the ocean! I'm gonna need you two to hit the ground running, okay? We're gonna have to unfortunately convert the dojo into Toby's room.
I'm gonna need you to baby-proof this bitch up, stash all the weapons, make it kid-friendly.
You two will use my computer research lab as your sleeping chambers.
There a bed for each of you.
Separate beds.
Got it.
So, my bedroom is at the end of the hall.
But that is strictly off-limits, all right? In fact, I think I need you to go get a deadbolt.
Because I'm gonna lock that shit up.
Are we clear? Yes, crystal clear.
Um, and now, uh Um No, never What the fuck are you two whispering about? Okay.
In order to avoid some of the behavioral issues that have occurred in the past Uh, Maria thought it would be a good idea if I lay down some ground rules.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! No, I'm, I'm not kidding, uh "Rules for new relationship with Kenny Powers.
" Hmm! "It is important "For us to share a mutual respect for one another.
" Hmm "It's not healthy for me to put you on a pedestal.
"Or put you above me.
"Or think about how a world without you "Wouldn't even be a world worth living in.
" What, are you about to cry? No.
No, no, no, no.
Okay "I will also no longer "I will also no longer be able to loan you large sums of money.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about in case of emergency? No.
No, no, no, no.
Well, in the case of anemergency? Stevie, no.
Like, what if I was at a store and I found a hot-ass, fuckin' shirt I was gonna wear? I think that might qualify, because you'd probably look good as hell in that shirt.
Hmm, Maria.
And finally, "We must, by law, have the "Most coolest and amazing shit, awesome time in Myrtle fucking Beach.
" "And party like the fuck!" "Sincerely, Stevie Janowski.
" Hmm.
All right.
Well There are a shit ton of fun things to do in Myrtle Beach, that's for sure.
Let's not forget about Toby, okay? I mean, you guys are parents now.
And with parenthood, comes certain sacrifices.
A white baby needs care, basically, 24/7.
Got it! Uh, he a very handsome baby.
Daddy.
Oh, yeah, he is a handsome baby.
Look who's stringing together sentences, huh? Miss Rules over here.
I got a pretty fuckin' dope life here in Myrtle Beach.
I'm not gonna let some handsome, hot-as-fuck, little child ruin it.
You got that, Toby? Look how cute he is.
I fuckin' hate him.
The Feeling of Winning Big Time, Dude.
Once upon a time, I believed in destiny.
But now I say F that B.
Everything I have in this life, I earn myself.
There's no cosmic luck deciding shit for us.
My wealth, my fame, my World Series pennant, I earned myself.
The one thing I didn't earn myself was when I caught crabs.
I think I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn.
I'm like, "I ain't got no cash, though.
" She goes, "Well, how about you let me give you a hand job, and it'll be on me.
" I was like, "Yes, ma'am.
" Hmm.
Ohnice! Celebrity! Celebrity.
Yeah.
Celebrity.
What the fuck are you Satan worshippers lookin' at over here? Texas is here, man.
Six-foot-three, Texas.
The son of a bitch has barely got peach fuzz over his pecker.
Nobody else knows about him.
And he ain't got nowhere else to play.
Something's in his DNA A little help with the ball, please? It's me.
Who's that? Just kidding.
Psyche your mind.
Psyche your mind again, it's me.
Oh, it ain't "La Flame Fucking Blanca.
" Yeah! Straight up from the Southside.
Que pasa, Kenny Powers? How you doin', golden boy? I'm just golden, baby, you said the word.
Mmm-hmm.
Meanwhile, you're down here Squirtin' fire like a dragon's pussy.
Ha! You bet your ass I am.
Don't you think Te-xas Ain't nibbling at your huevos, either, hoss.
I can feel 'em.
I fuckin' come home sometimes, and feel like maybe one of 'em had a little bite out of it.
You know who it is.
That's you, takin' a bite! That's right.
How you doin', Roy? You been good? I'm sorry, what's your name? Shane.
Hey, Shane.
It's your boy, Shane.
This is Shane.
He's Shane catch your balls? How you been, man? - Yeah, Sh Shane's the catcher on the team.
- Yeah? How you doin'? You good? You good? All right, I'm good, Shane.
Yeah? I'm good.
You give, give me a second here to talk.
To my man Kenny Powers.
You still driving that Blazer? - Just a ssecond - So, Kenny Like I said, things are lookin' real good for you Uh-huh? Okay.
Out here on the mound.
Uh, that's not the reason that I'm here today.
All right? Have a look on the mound.
Who the fuck is this idiot? He's from Russia.
First name Ivan, last name, Dochenko.
Asian dude? Wholly cracklin' shit! He's already thrown 80 balls today.
Did we clock in at what? Where the hell did you say you found this kid? The Russians were prepping him to be their stud on the mound, coming to the new Olympics.
But baseball got voted out of the games, and we got him.
And with 102, I'd say he's some kind of fuckin' prodigy.
Big deal.
This fuckin' Russian asswipe can throw 102 at practice, but can homeboy do that shit in the heat of a game? That's right.
You don't throw 102 in practice.
Because what's the point? It's fuckin' practice.
Take a walk with me, Kenny.
Get your head out of your ass! Come on, Skip, it's practice.
Whoo! Lookin' good, Ivan! Step off the mound a minute, and take a break.
I want you to meet somebody.
Ivan Dochenko, Kenny Powers.
Hello.
I've never heard of you before.
I grew up watching you, as a boy.
Don't try to date me, brother.
I ain't that old.
I'm dyin' to know, how much better is America than, uh, Russian place? By "Russian place," do you mean Russia the nation? Yeah.
America's good, you know? It's like, it's like Russia in many ways, I feel like.
You should come and visit sometime.
Why would I want to go to Russia? They're Obviously have been enemies of America for the longest time.
Why would I go visit? Not for many years.
That's all over now.
That ended back in the '80s almost.
So you think.
But the people in charge don't think that.
You think there's still conflict between Do I think? I know.
Whatever.
Tomato, tomato.
Which one? What, what is he talking about? You said, "Tomato, tomato.
" I don't know what does I think we got a little language barrier.
What the fuck is going on here? This, this is what you want me to do? Just so I can sit here and play word games with this motherfucker.
Yakov Smirnoff? His prose is good.
We got a language barrier.
I need a little patience from you, all right? Hey.
Hop up there and stay loose.
Yes.
Keep throwin' the ball.
Yeah, throw ball.
Kenny, take a walk with me.
Let's go.
Let's go talk a minute.
Good to meet you.
You're face isis big.
I like it.
So, what do you think of the kid? I don't know, Roy.
It seems like he has a big ego.
And if there's one thing I've learned, uh, there is no room for egos and shit in baseball.
That's exactly what I wanna talk to you about, Kenny.
Kenny, I want you to be his mentor.
I want you to take that kid under your wing.
I want you to show him how a Big Leaguer does things.
You tryin' to turn me into motherfuckin' Mr.
Miyagi? Mr.
Miyagi was a bad motherfucker.
Well, Mr.
Miyagi was fucking four feet tall and Chinese.
Man, I'm not trying to do that, I'm trying to You've never let me down yet, Kenny.
You've been a consummate professional.
Well, Roy, you're asking a whole lot of me here.
I know I am.
It's only because I know you can handle it, hoss.
Love ya, baby.
Fucker.
Whenever I've experienced major obstacles in my life, I can usually depend on the power of a beautiful woman's love to help me conquer.
If the time comes, and I call upon you to believe in me Will you do it? Do what? Will you be the woman, that would come to a very important game of mine In the moment of crisis, rise, stand, look me dead in the eyes, and give me the confidence I need to prevail? I mean, I guess If I'm free.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, well, cool.
I'll take that.
Sure.
Cool.
Well, thank you for believing in me in all your heart, it You're welcome.
It, it's whatever.
In other news, looks like I'm stuck with the kid for a spell.
Ew, that sucks.
You think I want to fuckin' hang out with my fuckin' son? Hell no! I'd much rather be doing cocaine, and watching the Saw movies on DVD in your dorm room with ya.
Well, then what are you gonna do? Kind of hard to say at this point.
His bitch of a mom dumped his ass on me, stone cold.
Yeah, and guess what else? She also tried to seduce me, put, put me into drugs, and put alcohol down my throat, and tried to have me have sex to her.
Did you? Well, you know, I'd never lie to you.
So, did you have sex with her? Uh-uh.
Nope.
Because what we have is solid gold.
Why am I gonna ruin that on some old, worn-out pussy that Popped a kid out a year ago? No.
I trust you.
I trust you, too.
Whoo! Look at him go, huh? That a boy! Go on and get it! Oh-ho-ho-ho! What are you doin' out here? Why aren't you swimming? I had tubes in my ears as a kid.
So Oh, I gotcha.
Surprise, surprise.
Dude loves ridin' some wave, Huck.
Cutting him up like he a fucking Ginsu knife! Kenny's good at everything that has to do with water.
Swimming, Jet Ski No, I know, Steve, I know.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I know a lot about Kenny.
- Really? - Yeah, I get him.
Yeah.
In fact, the only thing I don't get about him Is how the fuck you factor into the situation.
What? No My role is essential.
Who do you think got him where he is today? I knew that man when he was a dumb, fucking teacher.
Oh, no kidding? When he lived in Mexico.
I knew him in high school! Well, yeah, I know about you in high school.
I think I have an understanding of Kenny, over a long range of years.
I Okay, well, then where you've been this last year, speaking of years? This dude's at a very important time in his deal right now.
And he can't be getting distracted, okay? Last thing he needs is some fuckin' bitch-ass, little boy toy, goddamn, hanger-on like you getting in his way.
Don't get in his way! I'm not gonna get in his way.
You Good.
You don't get in his way, then.
Hey! You have nothin' to worry about.
I got my eye on the ball, just like a catcher's supposed to do.
Well, I got my eye on balls as well.
Oh, no kiddin'.
Yeah, all the balls.
Yeah.
Multiple balls.
Because that's what assistants do.
Good luck watchin' all them balls, Steve.
I'll watch as many as I want to.
Yeah, good luck with it.
What's up, K.
P.
? The trident Poseidon, the god of the ocean's, weapon of choice.
Ancient mermen used to use this weapon in battle to fight against the crustacean armies and all the shrimps and jellyfish in the sea.
I often come out here to this abandoned cement factory, to harness its power, learn its secrets, think about life, think about the game.
They're the same thing, you know? Heads up.
Nice hands.
Now, listen to what I have to say.
I'm about to teach you some things that can't be taught, Ivan.
Do you see the yonder peaks of this ancient building? Do you mean the roof? - Yes.
- Yeah.
I need you to scale this and find your way to the peak.
No, I can't.
That is impossible, I can't do it.
You won't climb up that thing? I ca, can't.
It's too, too tall.
Fine.
Do you see there? That weird dark, cavernous area that's kind of scary? In order to become a man, and on the team, you have to crawl into there and murder a rat.
Everyone on the team has done this before.
No.
How am I supposed to mentor you if you're not gonna do any of the exercises, or, or transitions that I've thought upof? Give me something else, man, I can't All right, fine.
How about you justat a brisk pace run up that ramp and take your shirt off? Why would Iwhy should I take my shirt off? Just because.
Why wouldn't you do that? This is I'm tryin' to teach you fuckin' lessons that can't be taught here.
You think fuckin' Luke Skywalker would've learned anything from Yoda, if he would've kept saying, "No," every time he fuckin' asked him to do something? Luke Skywalker? From fucking Star Wars, dawg! You know what? Fuck this.
Obviously, you don't want to fuckin' learn.
You're sending me a mixed signal, you know? Don't try to outsmart me, mister.
I'm a fucking writer! Yeah, and I'm deejay, bro.
All right, fine.
You think you can fucking fly solo, you could do this on your own? Go for it.
Good.
I don't need lessons from fucking has-been.
- What'd you just say? - You heard what I said, bro.
No, I didn't hear what you just said.
I called you a fuckin' has-been.
A has-been? Yes.
And I'm gonna assume that there was something lost in translation.
In Russia, a has-been is someone who once was great, but is now shit.
That's exactly the same thing it means in America as well.
That's why I said it.
You better fucking think again, bro.
I'm the most famous person the Mermen has on the team.
The next one up to the Majors.
We shall see about that, my friend.
You're seeing about it right now! I'm the fuckin' team leader.
I'm the franchise star player.
You see it, saw it, sawn it! You're fuckin' done.
You're blind now.
I just won the argument.
And let me tell you something.
I hope you pitch better than your mouth works.
Because for me, my mouth is not as good as my arm, right? Fuckin' through your face and dead.
Yeah, if I had the gun, I'm like Pfft! Fuckin' gun's chchopped in half, electricity comes in, into your face.
Oh, two guns.
And that one's done, too.
Inside of you.
And now you're a fuckin' puppet.
I can bounce this around, you're a goddamn puppet.
You are.
Smash your fucking face in! You are like baby.
So, I wish you Nothing but the best of luck.
Because you're going to need it.
Pssh, don't try to fuckin' wish me good luck.
Fuck! What the f Let's go.
Hey, man, don't fuck around.
Don't fuck around, man! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! You're my fucking ride! Fuck you, motherfucker! Andrea? Is this Andrea's classroom? Andrea? Is this Andrea's classroom? There you are.
Sir, it's a closed session.
Eat shit, fucker.
Andrea, you made a promise to me, and now unfortunately, I have to collect upon that promise.
Are you ready to believe in me? No? I'm in class right now.
I'm slowly realizing this.
Uh Don't whisper.
Don't, nobody needs to be whispering, okay? This is serious.
We're, we're talking about our relationship here.
Can we talk about this later? Okay, cool.
Well, I'm probably just freakin' out.
I got a lot of emotional baggage and shit that I've been dealing with lately so I'm not some needy, old dude rushing into a classroom, asking for confidence.
That's not me.
That's not me.
I'm gonna go to the game now, guys.
I'm gonna be fine.
Nobody worry about me.
I got this shit fuckin' cinched.
All right That, that's, that's it.
You, you sure you don't want to come right now, just to Justyou're busy.
You guys areokay.
What the fuck is this Romper Room bullshit? Stevie! Steven! Oh, Kenny, I didn't hear you come in.
I need you to explain this.
What is this? Well, this is retro-baby chic.
I modeled this after a spread I saw in the latest Southern Living.
Do you like it? Let me think about that for a second.
No, I fuckin' hate it! Tear it down.
Start over! Restart! Okay, right now is one of those times where I'm feeling a little disrespected.
I mean, first I come down here and you're running around with some other guy, and calling him your best friend.
And now you want me to redo all this hard work? I just feel, hmm Like my feelings, uh aren't being taken into consideration.
I'm sorry, Stevie, that I am not taking your feelings into consideration.
Thank you.
I'm sorry that you decorated the room shittily.
I'm sorry Shane is my best friend.
And most importantly, I'm sorry that I just broke this silly fucking lamp! Because my whole goddamn reign of power's being challenged here, Stevie! I don't want my dojo to look like the place the Cabbage Patch Kids come to fuck.
Now this Russian's here and he might almost be as good as me.
It makes me nervous.
I've never heard you say you were nervous before.
Well, it's because I've never been nervous before, Stevie.
Does Shane know? Of course not! I'm not tryin' to look like a bitch in front of Shane.
He's my best friend.
He's not someone I say things to.
Okay.
Okay.
You know, Kenny, back in high school I used to watch you walk through the halls.
And I'd say, "There goes the coolest, cockiest kid in the world.
" But you're no longer a kid anymore, Kenny.
You're a man.
And I guess all that coolness and cockiness has, uhtransformed.
But it's transformedinto something far, more, powerful.
Battle Hardened Confidence! Now I have seen you face adversity with April, your career, marketing, and Mecans.
And you.
You always emerge victorious.
I didn't just come down to Myrtle for adventure and possibly cheating on my wife.
No.
I came down here To be inspired.
I gotta admit, Stevie.
I didn't think you had what it takes to deliver a heartwarming, inspirational speech.
Thank you.
Because of your words, I'm now ready to destroy.
You need to fucking destroy now.
I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, and destroying that fucking dumbass lamp.
Fuck my feelings, and fuck that lamp! You need to get to the fucking stadium, and destroy! The switch-hitting Jansen stands in here, two on, top of the ninth.
The stretch, the pitchswung on, - and lined to right field, base hit.
- Aw! Jorasco gets it in quickly Aw, come on! Time! Powers, you're in.
Welcome to America, baby dick.
So, the call has indeed gone to the bullpen.
There will be a pitching change.
It is six-to-one, Mermen, top of the ninth.
And it's Kenny Powers! The big right-hander coming in to shut the door once again.
And now, pitching for the Mermen Kenny Powers! All right now, here we go.
You ready to show this Russian motherfucker how we do this shit in the States? You're goddamn right.
Well, show me what you got, Goose.
I told you, I'm Tom Cruise.
I'm gonna let you think you are, but you're not.
Guess what? I am Tom Cruise.
You're not.
Tom Cruise.
Strike this motherfucker out.
Tom Cruise.
Thanks, Goose.
No.
I'm out of earshot.
Go ahead and strike this pussy out.
I was talking to you.
Here we go.
Strike one! Yeah! Fuck yeah! Strike two! Hey, that ain't distracting you, is it? Huh? You're gonna be all right.
Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Aw! Get the fuck out of here! God damn it.
Fuck.
Here he comes.
I'm sure he doesn't know He just gonna come up here, and probably just give you a little chit-chat.
That's all.
Powers, thank you, but we won't be needing your services the rest of the evening.
Damn it! You've got to be fucking kidding me! One fucking hit.
Are you serious? You've been preoccupied all goddamn week Pulling your dick, messing around, monkey-shining.
I'm gonna give the new guy a chance.
The new guy? Hey, don't fuckin' sass me, okay? Texas is here.
You're gonna squat fuck me in front of them? I don't have to fight with you guys.
Get off the fuckin' mound.
Dick.
Move it Fuckin' piece of shit.
Fuckin' racist cocksucking Send in the fuckin' commie! Ignorant choices! We'll see.
We'll see how the fuckin' Russian fares.
Here we go, Ivan! Come on, Ivan.
Darnell, what the fuck? Whoa! Yeah! Goddamn! Da! Da! One fucking game, man.
One fucking game, okay? Who cares? Don't let that commie prick rattle you! Not for one second, you hear me? This is too much, I'm just getting thrown a bunch of things at once.
April, this fucking kid is here, this fuckin' Russian person! Uh, it's just too much, it's too much, man! Uh! Hey! Hey! Hey! You look at me! You look me right here in the fuckin' eyes, Kenny, you hear me? Stop being a goddamn pussy.
You're fuckin' famous and shit, and no one, no one can stop us.
Never say die.
Okay? Whoo! Hell, yeah! There you go! Stand up! Stand up, and yell it in my face! Never say die! Say it! Never say die! - Famous as shit! - Never fucking die! Never say die! Never die! Goddamn it, that's fuckin' right! Now, how's about I cut us a couple more monster rails for us young fuckin' bloods, huh? - Oh, I fuckin' like that.
- All right.
I'm gonna change this fuckin' shitty song for somethin' more coke worthy! Fuck yeah! Fuck this shit! Whoo! That's what I'm talkin' about.
Talkin' about dope beads, fat lines, and tight friends.
We are fuckin' celebrities, yo! Mmm-hmm.
Whoo! Well, I don't even know who half these fuckin' bands even are.
Yeah, I know, baby, I went crazy on Limewire in the early days, that's what that was Oh, shit! I fuckin' love this song.