Everybody Loves Raymond s03e03 Episode Script

Hey, Teletubby.
Oh, what happened here? What happened? Nothing happened, okay? Today happened.
I didn't get any cleaning done because of this nightmare I had at the supermarket.
I'm there with the kids and they're just taking stuff off the shelves.
They're opening and eating things and sticking it back anywhere.
And then they pulled down the salsa display, you know, and they're swimming in it.
Do you know how embarrassing that is to hear over the P.
A.
, "Mrs.
Barone, would you please remove your children from Ethnic Foods?" So we have salsa? We have nothing, Ray.
I had to leave in shame.
So, did you go to the bank? I did not get to the bank, Ray, no, because the kids were a little too picante, you know.
You know, it's just impossible to get things done when I'm with them.
You know what you need? You need some real help around here.
Keeping in mind, I have a very busy schedule.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Gee, isn't it time for your 9:00 butt scratch? That's okay, I don't do that anymore.
I'm on the patch.
Wow, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Oh, Lisa, I am so sorry I'm late.
The mall was an absolute zoo, but I can get dinner together.
Oh wow! You you have it covered.
Yeah, when we finished picking up the toys, they said they were hungry, so - I just fed them.
I hope that was okay.
- Uh, yeah.
Oh Michael, are you eating carrots? Not carrots, power sticks.
Power sticks are very, very popular at Space Station Barone.
- Oh, right.
- Look, Mommy.
Oh! - Face paints, is that okay? - Oh yeah, that's great.
That's just the disguise we need to get back into the grocery store.
Your faces look great.
- Hey! - Hi, Dad.
Hey, Twinkles.
Hey, Sprinky.
Hey oh, I don't have a name for you.
Ray, this is Lisa.
Lisa! Oh, Lisa, hi.
- Hi, how are you? - I'm fine.
What's going on here? It's all nice.
I know, I know.
Listen, it seems Lisa here has made a pact with the devil.
Ha! Where do I sign? - Isn't she fantastic? - She seems great.
Oh my God, I love her, Ray.
She used to work for the McCormicks, but they put Katie in daycare.
I knew I had to move really fast because the Parkers were eyeing her.
- Screw the Parkers.
- Yeah, exactly.
- She's ours.
- Yeah.
Come on, guys, let's go finish that story.
Woo-hoo! Hey, you know since Lisa has things covered, maybe we could go out and get something to eat.
Oh, well, I think we probably should let Lisa go.
Oh, I can stay if you want.
It's no problem.
Let's get out of here! Really? What should I should get where's our passports? Listen, kids, Lisa's gonna put you to bed, okay? Mom and Dad are gonna get something to eat.
Bye! This is great.
Hi! Where are you off to? We were just thinking about getting something to eat.
Oh good, come on over.
I made veal cutlets.
No, no, Ma, it's all right.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- I'm Marie.
- I'm Lisa.
- Lisa? - Mm-hmm.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Lisa is our babysitter.
- No! Oh Your babysitter? We were out the door! Yeah, I-I-I thought that Gee, my phone must have been off the hook, 'cause I was home all day.
Yeah.
Lisa, you know what? You should go.
- What? Ray.
- Yeah.
- You sure? I don't mind staying.
- No, it's okay.
You know what? We're gonna we're gonna stay now, - so here you go.
- Oh, your wife paid me Pee-pee-pee-pee.
Okay? So thanks for stopping by and - Okay, so I guess I'll see you tomorr - Argh! So how's it going? She seems like a very nice girl.
Lisa's her name? - Yes, it's Lisa.
- I don't like her.
I don't like her.
You hired a babysitter.
Well, you know, to tell you the truth, she's she's really good with young kids, 'cause she's an early education major, and I-I just thought she'd give us a little more flexibility.
You know, of course, Marie, we would call you first, but we just we didn't want keep taking advantage of the fact that you live across the street, because I mean that's not really fair to you, right? Because you have things to do.
I mean, you have a life.
I think that's very considerate.
I appreciate you thinking about me.
Thank you.
Yeah, sure, great, because, you know oh, you're welcome.
Because we didn't want you to think that we Mother, the cutlets smell great.
I turned the heat down for you.
Don't tell me how to cook.
I know how to cook! I'm not that old! And who are you to turn down my meat? Oh my God, I covered her mashed potatoes! Hi, everybody! Mommy's home.
- Hi, Mrs.
Barone.
- Hi.
Hi, kids.
Oh, they're hiding from the alien.
Oh, don't worry, I'll protect you.
You're not playing, Mommy.
Come on, Lisa, keep playing.
Okay, okay, only for another minute.
Okay, okay, come on, kids.
'Cause Lisa has got to go back to her own planet.
We want Lisa to stay.
- Yeah, but I'm gonna make you dinner.
- We're not hungry.
I'm gonna make you fish sticks, then we're gonna take a bath and then Mommy is gonna read you stories, so come on.
We don't want you.
We want Lisa! We want Lisa! I've got cookies.
Totally out.
Oh, boy, Lisa gets them tired.
She's amazing, uh? - This is great, isn't it? - What? What? It's 8:30 and we're not completely exhausted.
Hey, have you noticed since Lisa started, that-that-that we've had a lot of time for & Hava nagila hava & - & Nagila & - Yeah, yeah.
Come on, we've gotten to hava lot of Nagila.
You know, I don't think I'm gonna have Lisa sit for us anymore.
What? No! Listen, I never think of her, ever.
Uck.
No, idiot.
God! No, I was just thinking I don't know, leaving the kids with a sitter so much it just it feels wrong.
Wrong? What it gives us more time to love each other.
And if loving you is wrong Baby, I don't want to be right.
Well, it just doesn't feel right to me.
Come on.
She's a great babysitter.
It's what we always dreamed of.
Come on.
Look, because of her, you've got nail polish on.
Don't you love that? I love it.
Look at the little piggies and wee-wee-wee-wee-wee.
Stop it! No, you don't care about nail polish.
I know, but you wanna go back to the way it was with the kids covered in salsa and you wanting me to help? That's I mean, that's that's no kind of life.
Yeah, but Ray, look, they are only young once.
This is our only chance to enjoy this age.
Well, what about my age? When do we get to enjoy my age? All right, okay.
If we have to leave the kids with somebody, then you know maybe it should be your mom.
Because after all, she is family.
Think of how your mom must feel with this.
She comes over here and she sees Geoffrey and Michael and Ally playing with some stranger and they're having so much more fun with her than they ever had with her.
Okay, okay, we'll get my mom then.
Look, the bottom line is quality time, that's all.
And by quality time, of course, I mean & Loving you & & Is easy 'cause you're beautiful & & And every day that we ooh! & & I'm more in love with you.
& Okay, thank you.
& La-la-la-la-la & & La-la-la-la-la.
& Thanks again, Marie.
I'm just gonna do a little shopping with Ray.
I'm sorry the situation with the girl didn't work out.
She seemed sweet, but children watching children? Ally, honey, come on.
Okay well, I really appreciate this.
Please, you know how I love doing this, and I don't want you to think that you even have to apologize.
I'm sorry, Marie.
Oh, that is so unnecessary.
Oh, just knowing that you feel bad is enough for me.
- There you are.
- When is Lisa coming? Honey, I told you Lisa is not coming today.
Grandma is babysitting today.
Does Grandma know how to play Space Station? Yes she does.
Well, sweetheart, say goodbye to Mommy and then we'll play.
Mommy, I want to go with you.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, honey.
Okay.
I'll be home real soon, okay? I see you later.
Mommy loves you.
Oh, you guys! So maybe we can go to a movie later.
That'd be great.
- Yeah.
- Jeezaloo, it's about time.
- Ma! - Oh, Marie, what happened? We were doing that crazy game that the girl taught the kids and someone had allowed toys to be in the middle of the floor, - and I tripped.
- Oh my God, what can I do? Do you have a lawyer? You're gonna sue us, Dad? Not you, your insurance company.
- We split it.
- Yeah.
Where are the children? They're in Ally's room.
I didn't want them to see me like this.
Oh, my Marie, I God.
I feel terrible.
Here we go I'm here for you, Ma.
I told Nemo you were hurt, he threw in some free breadsticks.
Oh, these seem old.
"You are what you eat.
" Oh.
Oh.
Robby, give your father his order of miserable bastard.
Come on, Mom, let's get you in your own bed.
Dad, give us a hand, come on.
You know it might be easier if we just switch houses.
Frank, can you help, please? Coming, sunshine.
Marie, I am so sorry.
Just if there's anything you need, you just let me know.
Nice! Hey, hey.
They left the breadsticks.
She is really hurt.
I am such a jerk.
You left some toys around.
What? It happens.
What? No! What? Please stop.
I didn't mean you left them around.
They got left around.
Come on, the kids probably left them, the stinking kids No, Ray, it's my fault.
No, no, it isn't.
Yes it is, 'cause I set her up.
I just couldn't stand how much the kids wanted to be with Lisa.
So I got your mom to babysit, so it wouldn't go as well.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You told a perfectly nice girl not to come because you thought the kids liked her too much? Mm-hmm.
And then you brought in Old Yeller to make yourself feel better? Yes.
I'm terrible.
I'm this evil person.
I love this.
And then the toys, the booby-trap with the toys I didn't do that! Yet you know what the beautiful thing is here? Whenever I do something connivy like this, you always look at me like, "How could you do that?" When what you're really thinking is, "How do you do that?" Oh! - I'm proud of you.
- Would you stop that! Will you come on? You don't have to compete with some babysitter.
You're Mommy, huh? The kids love Mommy.
Every time I want to do something with them, they always yell, "We'd rather have Mommy!" - Oh, yeah right, they yell that.
- Yes! Yes! "We prefer Mommy!" "All things being equal, where's Mommy?" Shut up.
Come on, you're you're number one.
You're better than any babysitter, and you you deserve some free time.
Quality time.
& La-la-la-la-la.
& Okay, you're right.
- Of course.
- Thanks.
- Oh, crap! - What? What are we gonna do about a babysitter? - You're gonna call Lisa.
- I let Lisa go.
What, for good? Well, we didn't need her anymore.
We had your mom.
What did you do? She's out there now! She's a free agent! I don't know what I did with her number.
What do you mean? Don't say that, you should know the number.
How come it's not on speed-dial? Call the Parkers.
No, don't call the Parkers.
- Oh man! The Parkers! - Here! Here's her number? You and your stupid insecurities.
Would you just dial the phone? It's busy.
Parkers! Who is it? Pizza.
- Mr.
Barone.
Hi.
- Hi - Hi.
- Hi.
Your mom told me that you were here babysitting for the Parkers and I thought I'd bring you by a pizza.
You know I know they're into that healthy stuff here and that's got to blow.
Am I right? That's Yeah.
Anyway, so this is it it's a big, fat juicy pizza.
- Thanks.
Okay.
- Okay.
- We miss you over there.
- Oh.
Me, Debra and the kids.
Oh the kids, you know you should see their sad, little, unpainted faces.
But your wife said that Don't worry about my wife.
My wife says a lot of things, you know.
Between you and me, she's a little bit she's Yeah, but she's okay now.
- Oh.
- She's okay.
We just we want you back.
Oh the Parkers offered me four days a week.
We'll give you six.
Well, I kind of promised the Parkers.
Listen, I've known the Parkers for a long time.
We're we're in a carpool with our kids together.
And we're very good friends.
They don't care about you.
They don't.
They find somebody cheaper, they drop you like a stone.
- Lisa.
- She's busy.
- I'd better go.
- Listen, listen, listen.
That six days I'm talking about, that's unlimited fridge, the phone, the boyfriend, smoking, I don't care.
Okay, I couldn't even do six days a week.
I have school.
School? Let me tell you a little something about school Hey, Barone.
Hey, Parkers.
What are you doing? Nothing.
- Hey, Nancy.
- Carrie.
Carrie.
I think you better get out of here.
Why? It's a free country.
I know what you're doing, Barone.
Listen, Lisa, whatever they're giving you, I'm gonna give you double, Lisa.
You can do I have cable and everything.
You're out of the carpool.
No! No, no, not the carpool! I need it! I can't drive the kids! My life, my life.
Man, it's it's falling apart.
Lisa.
Lisa! Come chase me.
Oh, okay.
Oh, God.
Grandma, shoot me.
Shoot? No, no, I don't shoot, honey.
Come on.
Okay, bang, bang! No, like this pew, pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew, pew, pew.
Grandma, run like an alien.
Oh an alien, honey, no.
Come here, sweetheart, come here.
Come here, sit down, yeah.
You know what would be really nice? Television.
Who wants cookies?