F is For Family (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

1 I'm not sleeping well.
I feel so stressed.
Frank's overworked, and the heat is driving us all crazy.
Nothing seems to be going right.
Well, it all looks hunky-dory from down here.
Heartbeat's strong.
No sign of infantile acne.
Before you know it, you'll be welcoming a perfectly healthy, bouncing baby Receptionist keeps it too hot in here.
Dries out my throat.
The baby will be here in four months, and I still haven't come up with another new invention.
I just need a second once-in-a-lifetime idea.
You liberated gals today.
All day long this office sounds like backstage at the opera.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me Hmm.
Look at all these things they make me use nowadays.
When I was a young man, I delivered babies and goats with one instrument that did the work of them all.
The human hand.
One instrument Work of them all One instrument Work of them all It's brilliant! That's it! That's my new invention.
Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes! Jesus Christ, she's hysterical.
Carol! Get in here with the morphine suppositories.
Ah! Six a.
m.
at the KWOK.
It's gonna be 95 today both temperature and humidity.
Ooh, that's hot.
Listen, if you must leave your dog in the car, please remember to roll up the windows.
It's hot and he may try to run away.
Here's Lifted Riffs with their latest single, "Fire in My Hole.
" Fire in my hole That band fucking sucks.
Dear future rock-storians who are taking a class on me.
Today begins yet another dark chapter in the sonnet known as Kevin Murphy.
Hey, Phillip.
You wanna go to the town pool today? Yeah, and then we'll go to your house and watch cartoons.
Uh-huh.
Kevin, wanna watch cartoons? Oh, that's right.
Today's your first day of dumber school.
Kevin! Chapter one: my brother's a dildo.
I've gotta go all the way through Polack Town to get you to this fucking school? Chapter two: my dad's a dildo.
This is your chance to turn things around, so don't you dare blow it.
Get out in front.
You hit the books.
That's what the A student does.
Christ, he reads ahead, two, three, four chapters.
By the time he gets to school, he can teach the fucking class.
Oh, Jesus Christ, does it ever fail? Get out of the road! Move it, you old bag! What?! Chapter three: my friends are dildos.
My plan is just to survive Chapter four: that bird is a dildo.
And so I begin my eight-week sentence.
A stranger in a strange land forced to do things that suck dick.
I will use this opportunity to write face-melting music inspired by my struggle Why did you do that? 'Cause, uh Fuck you? All right, animals.
That's enough.
My name is Mr.
Durkin.
And it rhymes with nothing.
This is summer algebra.
Excuse me, sir.
There seems to be an urgent phone call for you.
Can it, Nuber.
We will begin with integers.
My dad is pissed 'cause they're bussing integers into our school district.
- I said can it! - Ow! Oh, my God.
Any more comedians here? Because I've got 20 more of these.
Sorry, that one was real.
And now back to the Two Stupids in "What's the New Deal?" We're here to paint the White House, Mr.
Wheelchair.
That's President Wheelchair.
- Show some respect, you mongoloid! - Ow! Why, I oughta Eleanor? I can walk! De, da, da, dee, dee Da, da, da, da, da Ow! My legs! What are you still doing here, I thought you were going to the pool.
I'm waiting for Phillip to get ready.
I'm demonstrating my new invention for the ladies today, and I can't have you two here distracting me.
You, go to the pool.
- You - I know.
Stay in my room and be quiet.
Don't be mopey.
We'll do something later.
Yeah, right.
Might as well be an orphan.
I can't believe they got Eleanor Roosevelt to be in this.
Buy war bonds and help us finish off those Japs! Oh, that's why.
- Oh.
- You look 100 percent better, toots.
On behalf of myself and the Dunbarton family, it's an honor to unveil this memorial to the great man we all lost too soon.
And his nephew.
Oh.
Look at that.
I'm proud to introduce our new vice president of operations, Bob Pogrohovich, who has some exciting news.
Oh, come on up, Bob.
Oh, Christ.
Okay.
- One step.
- You can do it, Bob.
Two steps.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
After months of losses due to the unfortunate televised event Mohican is back.
And as we fly confidently into the future, I'm happy to announce that Frank Murphy is being promoted to my old job as chief of ground services.
You gotta be shitting me.
Congratulations, Frank.
Well, you know what this means, right? - You're gonna get my job.
- You think so? Who else? You've earned it.
No one deserves this more than you.
After much deliberation, we've decided that the best person to take over Frank's old job as baggage manager is a man he knows better than anyone.
- Here it comes.
- Finally, a job where I sit down.
And that man's name is also Frank Murphy.
- You gotta be shitting me.
- What? Congratulations, Frank, on both your promotions.
And Oh, look a plane's landing.
That's not something you see every day.
Gotta go! I can't slow down.
Rosie, I'm so sorry.
It's my own fault for believing it.
Better get back to my curb.
Get me out of here.
Dolores is taking me to a syrup tasting.
Pogo! What the hell was that all about? I'm doing two jobs now? No, you're doing one job overseeing two departments at the same salary.
Wait, what about Rosie? He should get my old job.
It came from above, Frank.
We're cutting costs.
This has been a very stressful time for me too, you know.
Jesus, Bob.
That's not milk.
That's cloudy sweat.
Go, go, go! How much of that stuff do you have to put on? Mother says "Over-apply or slowly die.
" There.
Now we can start swimming and laughing and gallivanting.
Geronimo! Chief Spotted Elk of the Lakota! Ah! Oh, dear.
Oh, for God's sake.
Call the pool guy to clean this up.
Get out of there, you Easter Island-headed fuck.
Mother says my head is perfectly proportioned for a boy of my Oh, no I never missed a day once.
I came in when Kennedy was shot.
When King was shot.
When the next Kennedy was shot.
Never complained.
"Oh, you'll get promoted.
Next year.
" Here.
Hi, we're on flight nine to Akron.
Oh, and mind the handgun in the red bag.
It's loaded.
Hello? Are you working here? Hey! Where are you going? Who's gonna take our luggage? Pogo called it a promotion, but now I have two jobs for the price of one.
And I got his office but the fucker left me to clean it out.
And poor Rosie - Look, Frank, I'm sorry but I called you - Jesus Christ.
Are you listening to me? - Yes.
- Frank, the slide projector isn't working.
It works fine.
Just jiggle it.
Jiggle it? That's for the toilet.
No, no, the jiggle's for everything.
Bouillon cubes? Frank, I need help.
This is my big day.
I know it is, honey, and I'm rooting for you.
Just jiggle it.
It's easy.
Up, down, up, up, down.
Hold.
Hold.
Down, up, shimmy, up, up, down.
I can't remember that.
Ask Maureen.
You can do it, honey.
I love you.
Knock 'em dead.
Bye-bye.
Jesus Christ, just jiggle the fucking thing.
Do I call you when the planes don't land? Figure it out.
Why is my skycap not at his post? Oh, Christ, where's Rosie? Up, down, up, up, down.
I Oh, I can't remember - Hey, you, big dummy.
- Ah! I walk in your house without knocking just like neighbor on TV show.
But no applause.
Oh, Nguyen-Nguyen.
Oh, my God, I'm so glad you could come today.
Here's the merchandise.
Hot from the greasy two-fingered hands of Nikos at the Plast-A-Ware factory.
I still can't figure out how you got Nikos to make so many so fast and all under the table.
It just took a little extra persuasion.
Oh you village whore.
So here's an easy and fun way to remember the order of operations.
PEMDAS.
Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.
Kevin Murphy.
Kevin Murphy.
Me dad said I'd never make it.
But look at me old man now.
You were right, rock star.
I guess I didn't need math.
Kevin Murphy.
Kevin Murphy.
Kevin Murphy! Let me see that.
Ooh, you're busted.
Fourteen years I sweated my ass off humping baggage at that place.
Yeah, fuck that hotel.
I worked at the airport, asshole.
Look, man, I'm just trying to keep you drinking, okay? Hey, Rosie.
I'm not in the mood, Frank.
Listen, I know you're upset.
However Hey, it's the rubber man.
- All right, rubber man.
- Hey, it's the rubber man, all right.
Y'all got cherry? - Sorry, guys.
Not the rubber man anymore.
- Aw.
Delmont.
Hey, how you doing? Great, Frank, my wife's having a baby.
No kidding, me too! My old lady's fixing to drop.
I'm having twins.
Wow! Must be something in the water.
Look, Rosie, what went down today was wrong, plain and simple.
But Pogo screwed me too.
That fat fuck has me doing two jobs - for the price of one.
- Well boo-motherfucking-hoo.
Do birds shit on your office? I've been next in line for that job ever since I trained you for it.
I'm done.
Come on, you're not done.
You don't really mean that.
The fuck I don't.
I got options.
There's plenty of other places I can work where I'll be appreciated.
I got a cousin in Kentucky who jacks off racehorses and he's been begging me to come down to be his bucket man.
You don't think I can understand what you're going through because I'm white Frank if you bring up that fucking potato famine one more time Okay, I won't.
I'm just saying.
A million people died.
They came over here.
They were indentured servants, which is really only one rung above slavery.
That's one big motherfucking rung.
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
Listen, uh I brought Pogo with me.
He's out in the car.
He wants to come in and clear this up And use the restroom.
Let's play again.
But if you want to beat me, you have to hit it harder.
I thought I was hitting it hard.
About time.
The cleaner finally got here.
Brace yourself.
Ah.
Oh, Bridget.
Ahh! When the pool stops smoking give it a one Mississippi before you jump back in.
Thanks for coming today to Sue-Viv Lifestyle Concepts' very first product demonstration.
Oh, any excuse to get the gals together.
And I haven't sat on a non-plastic chair in weeks.
You all love the Salad Tosser.
Well, I've come up with something that we think is even better.
And we're excited to share it with some special friends.
Thanks for including me, Sue.
I wasn't sure if you ladies still liked me.
Ginny, it's okay.
No one's gossiping about you here.
It's not your fault everyone know your husband make babies with other men.
Oh.
Okay, let's get started.
Allow me to present to you a revolutionary new product that is going to change your life.
I give you the Forkoontula.
Ooh.
The only device that combines all your kitchen implements in one.
Oh, dear Lord.
It's just a prototype.
Could you give me that back? Okay, Rosie, just hear him out.
Hello, Rosie.
Thank you for listening.
Hey! That is the fat ass who said I kidnapped him and made him eat candy.
This Puerto Rican man's delusional.
Arrest him again.
Chevale! I missed the birth of my kid! Maricón! All right, all right.
We're all friends here.
You're not my friend! I cut off your dick! Well, well, well.
We have a celebrity among us.
"Kevin Murphy.
Rock star.
" - Rock star.
- What a douche.
You're gonna sing your way into repeating ninth grade.
Nothing will make you fail at life faster than wasting your time chasing some unrealistic fantasy.
Shut up, Dad! He called him Dad? Oh, shit! He's got problems at home.
I bet his mom is screwing the youth pastor.
Broken family Broken family - Shut up! - Broken family Shut up! What does the Forkoontula bring to your life? I'm glad you asked.
Nobody asked.
Uh Yes.
Well, but No more will you be faced with the chore of eating spaghetti and apple sauce.
With a simple click of a button, you'll go from twirling to slurping in no time.
Oh, Greg! It's good now.
Just do not swallow or open your eyes.
Clear to swim.
- Yeah! - Finally.
Bridget, we got to go.
I wanna swim.
And I want to piss without blood.
Now come on.
I got to fish a stillborn possum out of the Eastside pool.
I'm staying! Fuck those Eastside dick blisters! She's wonderful.
Well, then fuck your mother.
And fuck you too.
It's all right, everyone.
She's my daughter.
Here's my chance.
But we were in the middle of a game.
- What about our fun day together? - I'll be right back.
No, you won't.
A man's gotta do what a man does.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
She's so beautiful.
Oh, man.
Everybody out of the pool.
Oh, shit! Go down.
Go down.
Go down.
"Rosie.
I am truly sorry for how this was handled.
Not getting that promotion was purely a business decision and had nothing to do with your race.
Please know Mohican values you highly and as your Jackson Five say I want you back.
" Okay.
So we're good? Are you coming back? - Nope.
- What?! I risked my life going north of Amelia Earhart Boulevard and you throw my sincere apology back in my face? Motherfucker, you can't even pretend to not be racist for one minute, can you? There's no fucking way I'm coming back to work for you! Good! Because you'll never be management material! You've always been ungrateful, disloyal, uppity Uppity doo-dah.
Betty Crocker's prettier than Aunt Jemima.
Take me to the Elks Club.
Come on, get out, sweetie.
I'll help you.
You're making it worse.
I can sum up the appeal of the Forkoontula in two words: ease and simplicity.
The slide is stuck.
Hang on.
Ease and simplicity.
- I think we get it, Sue.
- I'll tell you when you get it! God damn it.
Maureen! Jiggle it, please.
Up, down, up, up, down, hold, hold, down, up, shimmy, up, up, down.
Why isn't it working? You're not doing it the way Dad said.
I'm the one who taught him.
Ooh.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
- I have to go.
- I haven't finished yet.
Sue, they'd rather walk home in a lightning storm - than hear any more of this.
- Nobody leaves! The Forkoontula does it all.
Don't you realize you can't live without it? It means everything to you.
It's the key to your happiness! And the ability to cut pizza on the road! Now who's taking one home? I said, who's taking one home? Come on, kid, let her pull you out.
You're gonna get electrocuted.
I'm fine with that.
I guess I have to repeat this lesson just for you, Mr.
Murphy.
X is the variable, rock star.
Solve for X.
Just give me back my book.
Solve for X! Yeah, solve for X! I can't! Maybe if you weren't wasting time writing your nursery rhymes, you would get it.
- This is why you're in summer school! - Well, you're here too! Oh, shit.
Maybe if you were smarter, you wouldn't be stuck in a sweat box teaching a dildo like me! Oh, shit! I'm here because I care, Mr.
Poetry Man! I think you're here 'cause you need the money, judging by that hole in your slacks, Mr.
"Jerkin"! - This kid's got balls! - There is a word that rhymes with Durkin! This hole is from when I got shot last semester.
What about the garbage bag on your car window? Oh, my God! Jerkin has no money Jerkin has no money Murphy, you started this, get out! I have newfound respect for you.
Ah! One, two, three, heave! Ah! Hey look! That kid's got a fucking stinger! Check out his little front tail! And he's playing with it! Look at him go! Rosie Look, I can't blame you if you never want to set foot in that airport again.
But I'd miss you.
You're the best man I know.
And eating lunch with you is the only decent part of my day.
Frank, I know you mean well and I love you like a brother.
But I think I've had enough of white people for one day.
Okay.
I get it.
Maybe I don't.
See you around.
So, uh, you going to Kentucky? No.
They know I'm coming back to that airport tomorrow.
I got a wife.
I got kids which means I got no choice.
Can I get your cousin's phone number? My fucking life is over.
It's over.
It's fucking over.
Hey, you.
Hey.
You streaked the whole pool.
Yup.
- You're such a badass! - Huh? You don't give a shit what anybody thinks, do you? Uh, nope.
That's me.
Don't give a shit.
- Want to walk home with me? - Sure.
Yeah.
Hanging out with girls now, you fairy? Go shit in your fist, fuck face! Ah! Whoa, you're kind of a badass too.
Aw, shut up.
Come on.
Your mommy had a big win today.
A big win.
I sold five Forkoontulas.
Even Maureen bought one.
I can't wait to tell your dad.
He should be home any minute now.
And that stray, crippled dog covered in mange, who nobody wanted, turned out to be Rin-Tin-Tin.
And now a word from our sponsor.
You've had a hard day.
Your boss is barking at you.
The missus is barking at you.
The last thing you need is your feet barking at you.
Turteltaub and Sons Aluminum Foot Powder is your ticket to a luxury vacation Which Sue will I get tonight? Jesus! Hey, soldier.
How you doing? Chet, it has been one hell of a day.
Hey, if you got a few minutes, I've been thinking about that baby room we're gonna build for you.
Jotted down a few ideas.
Jesus, when did you have time to do all this? Yeah, I don't sleep that good.
Hey, maybe later we could talk about the plans.
After you unwind with your family.
How about right now? All right then.
One cold brew reporting for duty.
So, kind of getting my initial thoughts down for this here room and I know early on we're gonna have a baby room.
So, you get your crib chair and get your folding table, changing table, and then, as that boy gets older, well bam, you got yourself a gun rack area right here.
Plenty of space on that there wall to hang up them animal trophies from when y'all go hunting.
And then, maybe even a sink in this area.
Plumbing's my specialty.
Don't you even think about price.
You can do the skinning right there, skin them animals, bring them back raw.
These are just spit-firing ideas, of course.
Then I thought we could turn it into a thing where you can kind of bolt the door.
Maybe have an interrogation table We like to call it the "What really happened" table.
Uh And of course, you get all the tools for that.
You know, all the little spikes and nails and needles and glue and all the shit you need to get them to truth talkers.
Other option, option B, is you go ahead and you kind of make yourself a when-the-world-ends room.
So, you get some slot holes in here, gun holes in here.
Run it up your flag pole, see if you salute it.