Friends s03e03 Episode Script

Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed! The One With the Jam .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) Hey, look at me! I' m making jam! -I've been at it since 4 a.
m.
-Where'd you get fruit at 4 a.
m.
? Down at the docks.
You know, you can get it wholesale.
I didn't know there were docks.
Is it broken? No, but I gotta wear this for a couple weeks.
You tell the doctor you did it jumping on your bed? No.
I had a whole story worked out, but then.
.
.
.
.
.
Chandler sold me out.
I didn't think the doctor would buy that it "fell out of the socket.
" What is this? Fruit? Monica's making jam.
Jam? I love jam! How come we never have jam at our place? Because the kids need new shoes.
I' m going into business.
I' m sick of being depressed about Richard.
I needed a plan.
A plan to get over my man.
What's the opposite of man? Jam! Joey, don't! It's way too hot! This'll just be my batch.
That's it.
Hey, you, J .
Crew guy.
.
.
.
Why are you following me? All week, everywhere I look, there's you.
You wouldn't return my calls.
You sent back my letters.
One more chance, Ursula.
Please.
This is awkward.
Yeah, because you want Ursula, and I' m Phoebe.
Twin sisters.
Seriously.
That's great.
I' m stalking the wrong woman.
I am such a dingus! Oh, you' re not a dingus.
I just want you to know I wasn't always like this.
Before I met your sister, I was a normal guy who sold cellular phones.
Look, it's not your fault.
I mean, this is just what she does to guys, okay? Well, thanks.
Wait.
I got a little story.
Once, in junior high school, I thought I was a witch.
And a guidance counselor told me something that might help you.
He said, "Okay, you' re not a witch.
You' re just an average student.
" -See what I' m saying? -Not really.
Well, get over it.
You seem like a really nice guy.
Don't be so hard on yourself, okay? You' re right.
I know you' re right.
And thanks for being so nice.
Thanks a lot.
Want to get some coffee? You don't have to walk behind me anymore.
"Gone for more jars.
Be back later.
Monica Geller.
" Wait a minute.
Look! It's an empty apartment.
We' re all alone in an empty apartment.
I have to be at work in 1 0 minutes.
All right.
It's not like I' m employee of the year or anything.
There it is! Oh, that's what you mean.
Do I look fat? No.
I accept that.
When Janice asked me and I said no, she thought I was calling her a cow.
Walk us through it, honey.
Walk us through it.
Janice said, "Hi.
Do I look fat today?" And I looked at her-- You looked at her? You never look.
You just answer.
It's like a reflex.
"Do I look fat?" "No.
" "Is she prettier than I am?" "No.
" "Does size matter?" And it works both ways.
So you both just know this stuff? After 30 or 40 fights, you kind of catch on.
Okay.
For instance: Janice is coming back from a trip.
She gives you two options.
Option one: She'll take a cab home from the airport.
Option two: You can meet her at baggage claim.
What do you do? Easy.
Baggage claim.
Wrong! Now you' re single.
It's actually secret option number three.
You meet her at the gate.
That way she knows you love her.
Okay, this is good.
All right, I have one.
Janice likes to cuddle.
.
.
.
.
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at night, which I' m all for.
But when you want to go to sleep, you want some space.
So how do I tell her that without.
.
.
.
.
.
you know, accidentally calling her fat or something? Sorry, honey.
We can't help you there, because we' re cuddly sleepers.
I' m late for work.
-Are you guys coming down? -Yeah.
I' m right behind you.
Good luck, Chandler.
The sleeping thing.
very tricky business, but solvable.
I thought you were "cuddly sleepers.
" No, not cuddly.
Not me.
Just her.
I' m like you.
I need the room.
Okay, come here.
Okay.
You' re in bed.
I'll use the cushion.
Okay.
You' re in bed.
She's over on your side, cuddling.
Now, you wait for her to drift off.
.
.
.
.
.
and then you hug her.
.
.
.
.
.
and roll her over to her side of the bed.
And then you.
.
.
.
.
.
roll away.
Hug for her.
Roll for you.
The old "hug and roll.
" One question.
You' re pretending the pillow's a girl, right? Remember when you were a kid, your mom would send you to the movies.
.
.
.
.
.
with a jar of jam and a little spoon? You' re so pretty.
You know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.
You talked to him? Are you crazy? First, I' m not crazy.
And second, say it, don't spray it.
Anyway, his name is Malcolm, and he wasn't following me.
I mean, he was, but he thought I was Ursula.
That's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me.
Because of the restraining order.
Not feeling better about Malcolm.
No, no, he's not a kook.
He's just this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy.
.
.
.
.
.
that just got a teensy bit carried away.
We get along really well, and he's so cute.
Oh, my God! You've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
I' m going to help him get "de-Ursula-ized.
" Like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
I didn't stalk her.
I asked for the news, not the weather.
Joey, this is for you.
It's blackberry currant.
Joe, I got to ask.
The girl from the xerox place, buck naked.
.
.
.
.
.
or a big tub of jam? Put your hands together.
Take your time with that.
It's my last batch.
No more jam? What happened to your jam plan? I figured out I'd need to charge $ 1 7 a jar just to break even.
So I've got a new plan now.
Babies.
Well, you'll need much bigger jars.
-What are you talking about? -About me having a baby.
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
The jam plan helped me take control of my life.
So I thought, "What is the most important thing to me?" And that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Aren't you forgetting something? What is that guy's name? Dad! It took me 28 years to find a man I wanted to spend my life with.
If I have to wait another 28 years, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby.
And that's just stupid.
That's what's stupid? I don't need an actual man.
Just a few of his best swimmers.
And there are places you can go to get that.
.
.
stuff.
Down to the docks again? Night-night, Bing-a-ling.
Night-night.
.
.
.
.
.
Janice.
Look at all the room on her side! A giant penguin could fit over there.
That'd be weird, though.
Hug and roll time.
I'm hugging.
I'm hugging.
You're rolling, and.
Yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! I'm stuck.
Stuck arm.
Time for the old tablecloth trick.
One fluid motion.
Quick like a cat.
And one, two three! Here's my binoculars.
Oh, great.
You' re doing great.
Going strong.
Keep going.
These are my night-vision goggles.
This is the book I pretend to read when I' m watching her in the park.
And these are Madlibs.
They' re just for fun.
This is the log I kept, recording her every movement.
Want to hear some of it? Not even a little bit.
It's about you.
Okay then.
"I met Phoebe today.
She was really nice to me even though I' m such a loser.
And when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot.
It was weird, but kind of cool.
" Good.
So what were you thinking? I was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you.
-Really? -No.
That's just something I said now so that maybe I could kiss you.
Oh, okay.
No, it's all right.
I just had a jar of mustard.
Okay.
Sperm donor number 0381 5, come on down! Okay, he's 6' 2", 1 70 pounds.
He describes himself as a male Gina Davis.
You mean there's more than one of us? You can't do this, Mon.
If you do this, I'll-- -You'll what? -I'll tell Mom.
I' m sorry, but he's right.
I love you, but you' re crazy.
Why? Why is this crazy? -So this isn't the ideal way-- -Oh, it's not-- Lips moving.
Still talking.
It may not be ideal, but.
.
.
.
.
.
I' m so ready.
I see the way Ben looks at you.
It makes me ache, you know? Check it out! Jam crackers! Okay.
All right, how's this? Twenty-seven, ltalian-American guy.
He's an actor.
Born in Queens.
Wow! Big family.
Seven sisters.
.
.
.
.
.
and he's the only.
.
.
boy.
Oh, my God! Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule.
" Yeah, the Knicks rule! Joey, this is you! Let me see.
Oh, right! You went to a sperm bank? Right after I did that sex study at NYU.
Remember that sweater I gave you? That's how you bought it? No.
That's what I was wearing when I donated.
I' m surprised there's any of my boys left.
It is pretty competitive.
There's an actual rocket scientist here.
Maybe I should have them put my Days of our Lives gig on here.
Juice this up a little.
How's the maniac? He's yummy.
We did a little kissing.
Phoebe, what are you doing? No, no.
He's not into that anymore.
He quit for me.
This guy has been obsessed with your sister for God knows how long.
You don't just give that up.
He gave me his night-vision goggles and everything.
You' re taking the word of a guy who has night-vision goggles? He's not still following her.
You think he's still following her? Wake up and smell the restraining order.
What should I do? If you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
Thank you, Monica.
Or you could follow him.
That's what I'd do.
Forget mine.
What happened? Crazy Chandler spun me.
.
.
.
.
.
off the bed.
Wow! Spinning! Sounds like fun.
I wish.
He was just trying Ross' "hug and roll" thing.
Ross' what? Where he hugs you and then he rolls you away, and.
.
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.
Oh.
.
.
my.
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.
God! What are you doing? Oh, I was just here looking for my.
.
.
my.
.
.
.
Part of an old sandwich.
Here it is! Were you following me? Perhaps.
Yes.
I' m sorry.
I was afraid you were still hung up on my sister.
So you spied on me.
I can't believe you don't trust me.
Well, what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister! Just walking along, looking like me.
Is this a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train? I' m sorry.
I' m sorry.
I tried to stop, but I couldn't.
I' m so pathetic.
No, it's not your fault.
It's partly my fault.
I made you quit cold turkey.
Well, I can't date you anymore because you' re, you know.
.
.
.
Wow! But I will definitely help you get over my sister.
Okay? Stalk me for a while, huh? I'll be like an Ursula patch.
I don't know.
Just.
.
.
.
Look, I' m going! Come on.
I' m on the pillar.
Which way will I go? -Where you going? -To the bank.
Sperm or regular? Sperm.
You' re really doing it? Oh, yeah.
I picked a guy.
Sounds nice.
He does.
He's got brown hair and green eyes.
No kidding? I figured you'd have picked a blond.
Really? Why? I always pictured you with a tall, smart, blond guy with a name like.
.
.
.
.
.
Hoyt.
It's a name.
Yeah.
I saw you in this great house with a big pool.
Is he a swimmer? He's got the body for it.
I like that.
What? You have a sign that says: "We don't swim in your toilet.
Don't pee in our pool.
" We don't have that sign.
You do! It was a gift from me.
And you have three great kids.
Two girls and a boy? And they wear little water wings, and they run around on the deck.
And Hoyt wraps a towel around all three of them.
Sure.
But, you know, this way sounds good too.
Yeah.
Wow! This guy's an astronaut? That would have been cool.
.
.
.
.
.
for a day.
I called the sperm bank.
They haven't sold a single unit of Tribbiani.
Nobody wants my product.
I don't get it.
Maybe if they met me in person.
You got a thing on your.
.
.
.
Get it? Yeah.
Hello.
Hello.
Chan, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
What's up? Just one additional relationship thought.
Something you' re probably aware of.
Women talk.