Futurama s03e03 Episode Script

The Cryonic Woman Giant space robot, this is Captain Fry|of the USS Planet Express ship.
We come in peace.
Tough luck! We destroyed the toy spaceship.
|Now what? - The keys to the real spaceship!|- Think we should? Yes, I do.
Have you seen the keys|to the spaceship? I left them onboard.
I mean, what?! Relax.
The ship won't go anywhere.
I anchored it with the unbreakable|diamond tether.
Hey, Fry! I'm steering with my ass! The best thing I ever saw! - That was great!|- And no one suspects a thing! And that's how we learned our lesson.
You've gone too far this time.
|All three of you! - What did I do?|- You left the keys! Look at them.
Wasn't it obvious|what would happen? - Yeah, Leela.
|- We're very disappointed in you.
I should fire you three right now but I'm just not that cold-hearted.
You're all fired! Goodbye, friends.
I'll miss you.
Good riddance!|Now Zoidberg is the popular one! Yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg.
So, Zoidberg, what's new? Oh, you know What about money? All I've got|is my first mustache and a picture of my|old girlfriend, Michelle and that ski instructor|who's just her friend.
Pardon me, brother.
Care to donate|to the anti-mugging-you fund? We don't need to beg.
|We're not veterans.
What do you suggest? A robbery of Fort Knox on elephant|back? Dumbest thing I ever heard.
- No.
We can get jobs.
|- But we just had jobs! I still have our old career chips.
- Our what?|- Career chips.
Remember? They assign you the job|you're best at.
I tried to give you one|and you ran away? - It's how we met?|- Then what happened? Just give me your hand.
Baby.
I'd like my old job counseling|defrostees and assigning them careers.
I was hoping you'd come back.
I even saved your poster of a chimp|expressing your distaste for Mondays.
He lives for the weekend.
Put your hand under the scanner|so I can verify your career chip.
Calcutta, we have a problem.
Delivery boy?|I must have mixed up the chips.
Here's our cryogenic counselor!|Do you like Mondays? - They're okay.
|- Then we'll redecorate your office.
How do you feel about it helping|to be crazy to work here? Let's see what it says about me! Welcome aboard, sir! Remember, when the tube opens, say: "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!" I was frozen.
I think I know|what defrostees want to hear.
Bathroom's that way.
Tell me what brings you to the future.
I wanted to meet Shakespeare|and I figured time was cyclical.
Nope.
Straight line.
- The probulator's done.
|- That wasn't so bad.
Oh, wait, it hasn't started yet.
Okay, it's about to start.
Welcome to the future, human slave! Relax, chum.
|I'm not really a giant fly.
I'm a horrible robot! Kill all humans! He's having a heart attack! - They'll find a cure in the future.
|- We have a cure now! Good.
Then you won't mind|if I use this.
Nothing like a power nap.
Oh, flies, flies and gorillas! Stay beautiful, doll-face! That probulator sure knows how to|please a man! So, what's for lunch? I ordered a pizza.
Pizza delivery for l.
C.
Wiener.
Very funny.
Now cough up the $12.
95.
- After half an hour, it's free.
|- It's only been 23 minutes.
Well, I've got 33 minutes.
It's only been 23 minutes,|you dumb cannoli! You got a problem,|let's take it outside! Okay.
I'll fight the box.
|I can take him.
Just pay me.
I owe 30 bucks|on this uniform.
Thirty five, you stupid meatball! Who should we unfreeze next? No.
No! Oh, my God, it's Pauly Shore! All right! I loved you in Bio-Dome.
|You sure made trouble in that bubble.
If it rhymes,|I can cause trouble in it.
Now that you're in the future,|you can live in an actual bio-dome.
An unattractive prospect.
While researching for the role, I ran|computer simulations demonstrating that the whole concept|is fundamentally flawed.
Be it expressed via dome,|sphere, cube or even the stately tetrahedron,|buddy.
So how did you wind up|getting frozen? During Encino Man, my intellectual|curiosity re: cryogenics was peaked.
I resolved to freeze the weasel.
The weasel! I was supposed to be unfrozen for the 1000th anniversary|screening of Jury Duty II.
How come I'm not there? I woke you up early to hang out|and do stuff.
Like what? - I love this job.
|- Me too! Showtime.
I'll pretend to be dying|of space plague.
Michelle? Oh, my God! Fry? Is it really you? I don't know.
Is it really you? What do you mean?|Are you you, or not? - Who wants to know?|- Oh, Fry, it is you! Last time I saw you,|you were doing great.
You dumped me, and your life|was back on track.
- Why'd you freeze yourself?|- Oh, Fry.
After you left, things got worse.
|I got married.
I'm sorry.
His name Was Charles.
His laW school Was so prestigious,|the basketball coach Was Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
I put him through school|by Working With antisocial dogs.
But soon after Charles graduated,|our marriage ran into difficulties.
Sorry.
I turned to the one thing|able to lessen my pain: A carnival.
But a corn dog bone got lodged|in the control of the Spizzler and I had to ride it|for 8 hours.
But it did give me a chance to think.
I remembered the last time I was|truly happy.
When I was with you.
So you froze yourself|to come look for me? No.
I did it for a fresh start.
|I didn't know what happened to you.
The police searched but your parents|felt it was a waste of money.
Same reason they kept me out|of school.
No one cared I was gone? Not really.
Except for one person.
Who was it? Everything is so different! Not everything.
|There's still a roach problem.
Now people like art|that's tattooed on fat guys.
I'm on loan from the Louvre.
Please, professor.
We deserve another chance.
And if you won't give me another|chance, perhaps you'd give one to Og, gorilla emperor of Earth! Sorry, Og.
But I've got a new crew.
How was your delivery|to Fantasy Planet where everyone's fantasies|come to life? - Great!|- Organized! For one beautiful night, I knew|what it was to be a grandmother.
Subjugated, yet honored.
You see, Og?|Everything's running smoothly.
With Fry fired, I can leave my jigsaw|puzzles out.
He won't eat the pieces.
Forget about Fry.
Hire us back.
|He'll never know.
Hey, guys! Hey, Fry! So, as Leela was saying,|Fry can go shove a big, old I'm glad you're all here.
Here's my ex-girlfriend of the past|1000 years, Michelle.
Michelle, this is Leela.
This is Bender.
The professor.
- Hermes and Amy.
|- Nice to meet you.
And this is Dr.
Zoidberg.
Dating your ex, Fry? - Have you lost all self-respect?|- All what? - It can end badly.
Kids, a house|- Home invasion by an old roommate.
It's different now.
|She was demanding and possessive.
Now she wants me to do stuff,|be with her.
There you go, dearies.
It's a relief to meet you, Amy.
It's hard adjusting to all the strange|stuff of the future.
I'm from Mars.
I feel so out of place.
I don't|understand why Fry fits in so well.
Because he didn't in your time.
True.
But I used to fit in|really well.
Then good luck, sister.
Don't take this the Wrong Way.
- Your friends are freaks.
|- Great, huh? I don't belong.
|I don't know anyone.
I can't find vanishing cream that|won't make me really vanish.
- I don't have a job.
|- I'm supposed to assign you one.
I'll get your career chip installed.
|Hold out your palm.
It's like getting|your hand pierced.
This world is horrible.
Let's go where all we have|is each other.
Romantic.
|I'll tell Bender to meet us there.
It's not a "there.
" It's a then.
|The future.
I thought you meant a motel where|the bed is shaped like stuff.
I love you.
Don't you love me? Sure.
To the extent a man can love|a woman.
But this is a big step.
Why must you analyze everything|with your relentless logic? Nothing matters but our love.
You're right.
Let's do this now|and never regret it.
Michelle, I don't regret this.
|But I rue and lament it.
The year 4000 is disappointing.
I miss 3000 when brains flew|through space and people ate lasers.
It's not so bad.
Fate brought|us together and brought us here.
You brought us here.
Whine some more.
|It's really attractive.
Now, build us a shelter.
Fine.
Everything else sucks.
At least|we'll have a nice place to live.
- There!|- You expect me to live in a hole? lt'd be deeper,|but I'm standing on a gopher.
- Oh, look.
Some little kids!|- They'll save us! We're saved! I'm Butch, leader of this place! I took your hole.
|You can't do nothing about it! Sir, we have nowhere to go.
|Could we please join your society? All right.
But no interfering|with our grand works.
Butch runs a good civilization.
|I'll enjoy serving under him.
You know your problem?|You're not ambitious.
You should be chief.
What do I need, ulcers? I want power.
I'm tired|of the chief's girlfriend lording it over me|with her fancy coyote hide.
All right.
If it'll make you happy,|I'll overthrow society.
On what grounds do you challenge|my authority? I'm older.
I can beat you up.
- I'll bet he could.
|- He's got arm hair.
All right, Grandpa.
There's only|one way to settle this.
Death rolling.
- What?|- It's like skateboarding.
- Except half the time, someone dies.
|- So it's safer than skateboarding.
Last one holding the bandanna|is the new leader.
My mother always said|you were a loser.
- Now go prove her wrong!|- Beth said that? It's cool.
Back off! My knee! I scraped it! Poor little guy.
|Let me just take a look at I won! I'm the new chief!|I'm the tallest and I weigh the most! Hand it over, you giant idiot! - Butch, your mom's here!|- Ah, man! Come on, kids!|You're late for Hebrew school! I don't wanna go.
Every Monday and Wednesday's|the same thing.
This post-apocalyptic wasteland|is very confusing.
- Seriously, I'm weirded out.
|- That's because you're a loser.
You were a loser in the year 2000,|you're a loser in the year 4000.
But in 3000, I had it all.
Friends, a low-paying job,|a bed in a robot's closet! I envied no man!|But you wrecked everything! Quit standing up for yourself, Fry! Back at the hole, we'll have a boring|talk about our relationship! Oh, yeah? Listen to this! I'm leaving you.
There must be people somewhere.
Yes! Footprints! And handprints? But what's happening? Fry, thank God we found you! What are you guys doing|in the year 4000? It's not 4000.
You were only frozen for two days.
|I broke your bed.
You were in Pauly Shore's tube.
They|delivered it to his movie screening.
They noticed you weren't him|and threw you out.
So these aren't the decaying ruins|of New York in 4000? - You wish.
You're in Los Angeles!|- But there were kids with guns.
Exactly.
You're in L.
A.
- Everyone shoots at each other.
|- That's L.
A.
! - There's no sign of civilization.
|- Stop with the social commentary.
The people are phony.
No one reads.
|Everything has cilantro on it - Michelle, baby!|- It's not working out, Fry.
Tis better to have loved and lost,|n'est-ce pas? I've had it with women.
I'm gonna concentrate on my career.
|Can I have my job back? I've forgotten why I even fired you.
He destroyed your business|and all your possessions.
Oh, that's right.
Get lost!