Gadget Man (2012) s03e03 Episode Script
The Staycation
Hello, I'm Richard Ayoade, a man composed almost entirely of vowels, presenting a show composed almost entirely of gadgets.
Let's shake hands with them.
'As someone who extracts no joy from the exertions of daily life' Is that good? Yeah.
'.
.
gadgets are to me an oasis in the desert of doing.
' Can you think of anything more evil? 'This week, I fully intend to cure myself from my highly rational 'fear of holidays by embarking on a gadget-aided staycation.
' That's a bit weavy.
Yes! Awesome.
This is insane! This is that.
But how? How do you think others would feel about eating off of that surface? This is not an open table.
Yes, all of those things are going to happen in a maxi-gadgi-way.
It's unlikely to alarm you when I reveal that I'm constitutionally opposed to foreign travel, but a holiday here in the UK comes equipped with its own perils.
Well rubbish weather, traffic jams, flipping picnics, the strange compulsion to visit castles, and, worst of all, walking in supposedly beautiful landscapes.
'But I'm going to prove to you that technology can help a fella 'overcome all these hurdles by going on a gadget-stacked staycation.
'First, I'll need to tackle our volatile climate.
' The weather in Britain is subject to cruel variants.
TS Eliot would certainly back this brother up on that.
So, bearing that in mind, here is the Netatmo Weather Station - a digital equivalent of the barometer.
It analyses the air and sends detailed local forecasts to your smartphone.
No typhoons as yet, so I'm safe to pack.
Now, I plan to take this puppy, the Watershed Kodiak - a 295-litre inflating rucksack, for the sake of Pete.
First into this whopping bag is the Polychrome Temperature Controlling Jacket.
This jacket can raise or lower the temperature around the wearer's body by six degrees.
'Worn this way around, the reversible jacket absorbs warmth 'from the sun, while keeping body heat in to raise your temperature.
'Worn the other way, it absorbs your body heat, 'while deflecting the sun to keep you cool.
' I have no pressing wish to insult your intelligence, but I'll need plenty of power to recharge my mighty stack of gadgets.
So, I'm packing a Brunton Hydrogen Reactor.
I merely pop one of these hydrogen cartridges into here, which combines with oxygen in the air to produce zero emissions electricity.
Peace of mind come the apocalypse.
And I'm out.
A mandatory component of any British holiday is the unsightly business of cycling with family or so-called friends.
I'll be travelling with a specially selected, Channel 4-vetted companion on this Half Recumbent Tandem.
We will also be keeping a tight-fisted grip on the purse strings.
I'm certainly not going to fizz my wad on a hotel room, especially as I have the QT - the world's smallest operational caravan.
So my holiday is afoot.
Ahead of me lies the pungent gas of traffic, the wiggedy whackness of the British weather, fun-destroying days out, and, of course, dismal strolls through scenery.
But, as a man of gadget, I demand an easier way.
I need to consult my technical support staff.
Hello? Yeah, it's me.
I'm livid.
I'm holidaying in the United Kingdom and I need an out.
I will explain.
I want to go on days out without really going out.
And I want to go on bracing walks, without the walk being bracing.
Do not fail me.
Bye.
The tech team have been briefed, but my UK hols and the prospect of their unblinking tedium is imminent.
Before I pick up my companion, I must assess which single gadget is best suited to whiling away the long hours that will inevitably be spent sheltering from the rain.
And to help me, I've assembled a public panel - four average individuals, chosen for their averageness.
When it comes to affordable gadgets, they are four people who, together, make up Britain.
The panel have been given a selection of gadgets and between them, they'll decide which one, if any, provides most entertainment for a rainy day in Britain.
First up, our student and retiree are testing the Dice+.
Every time.
This dice and tablet are connected via Bluetooth and have a series of interactive games.
Come on, this time.
There are even board games where you don't have to move pieces.
Wow! Searching for dice.
Here it is.
Present it.
Next, our city professional and skilled manual worker are testing the Beewi Kickbee.
You're going to lose.
You're going to lose.
Ready? These robots are controlled by Bluetooth via your smartphone and can compete in a multitude of games.
Yay! How is the Kickbee? Awesome.
Right.
I don't really like it that much.
It's like the World Cup.
There's already conflict here.
The Powerup 3.
0 is the world's first paper airplane you can control with your smartphone.
If you call this controllook.
There we go.
It's so difficult to get it to do it properly.
I think it went under the stool.
Oh, God.
Went a bit further though, didn't it, that time? Yeah.
What better a pastime when stuck indoors than to watch a ball roll around the house.
It's perfect for you, isn't it? Behold the Sphero 2.
0, a smartphone controlled robot ball.
You can change the colour.
Oh, really? Any colour you like.
Matches your eyes.
Let's go for yellow.
As in all human relationships, there can only be one victor and after heated and thorough debate, the group have finally agreed on our public panel prize winner.
The robot football game.
Even girls can play.
Wow, well, from that ringing and ultimately misogynistic endorsement, we have to lionise the Kickbee that Britain, as one, has chosen.
I can delay no longer.
My staycation must commence.
Firstly, I must ditch the QTvan in a local caravanning hot spot, because - and this is far from ideal - I'll not be staycationing solo.
Comedian Phill Jupitus is as British as unmanned service stations or drizzle, making him the perfect companion for my sojourn.
Hello, Phill Jupitus.
Richard.
Would you like to join me for a UK-based holiday on this recumbent tandem? Seems like the thing to do, my friend.
Then, for safety's sake, put on a helmet.
OK.
All right.
You know how a recumbent tandem works, right? Well, yeah.
All right.
Go.
All right.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah, that's a bit weavy.
Mmm.
'Unlike a standard tandem, 'the rearmost cyclist on this bike takes the brunt of the legwork.
' Oh, come on.
PHILL GRUNTS 'So, it's mainly Phill powering us 'through the Garden of England towards our first staycation stop.
' Historic Leeds Castle, Phill.
Not in Leeds.
That's a category mistake.
It's in Kent.
I mean, that is why I was late.
Yes.
You're dazzled by its beauty, I can see joy flooding your face.
Really? Yeah.
Buthow do we document this? How do we make this experience real? Watercolours? No.
We need to photograph it with the latest in digital technology.
All right.
'And here they are, three cameras that will revolutionise 'the way you capture historic monuments.
'First up are these binoculars of the future.
' Wow.
Binoculars Yeah.
.
.
but you can record 3D images.
Ah, this is what we want.
I can only take 2D photos, which is a bit of a downer, but it's made up for by the GPS system.
GPS? GPS.
It's a revolution.
I can really see that third dimension.
Yes.
'Binoculars may well be as 3D as eyes, 'but I feel they're somewhat unidirectional.
'I need a gadget that can offer me a broader range.
' The Panoramic Pod.
'Taking a panoramic photograph involves moving your phone 'from side to side, while navigating an arrow across a guideline.
'But how in the name of all that's right 'can you avoid photo-ruining hand wobble? 'How?!' The problem is Yeah - I mean, I'm not that baroque with my movement.
But there's still an unsteadiness.
Not with this.
Look at it.
That's remarkably steady.
Yes, the word you're looking for has two Ws and an O in the middle.
Mmm.
I like the Panoramic Pod and it gives you that sweeping view, but I want something a bit more sweepy.
OK.
Well, this is dynamite.
'From a gadget that rotates your phone for you, 'to a hi tech camera that can photograph everything at once.
'The Ricoh Theta.
' Wow! It's a huge 360-degree view of the castle.
360, it's everything.
'Next is a camera device 'which means you don't even have to leave the car park.
'The Drone.
' This is the Phantom DJI2.
That's right, that face is appropriate.
'I've applied for special authorisation to fly 'here from Leeds Castle air traffic control.
'And what's more, we received that authorisation.
' Look at that go.
'This remote control quadracopter 'is so insultingly easy to use 'that after minimal assembly 'you can fly it straight from the box.
'The camera can maintain Wi-Fi connection 'to your phone for up to 300 metres.
'And it has a smooth hover mode to give you steady shots.
' Don't look at the castle, look here.
OK, let's take in the beauty.
Yeah.
Can you swivel the camera or do you swivel the helicopter? You swivel the helicopter.
I'm no Airwolf, so OK.
Look at this.
This is that.
Yeah, but here, it's just so much more digital.
It's interesting.
What's your assessment of one to ten? Ten being most blown away, one being just very blown away.
Do you not have an 11? Because my socks are off.
Good.
Let's walk off with purpose.
'After the break, the ultimate staycation continues 'as a combination of technology and Phill Jupitus 'saves me from staypurgatory.
' Wow.
It is like eating a desert.
I'm conducting a brave experiment to see whether gadgets can help me, a pooh-pooh-er of staycations, enjoy a staycation.
Also, Phill Jupitus is here.
It's almost as if the castle's really just over there.
It's amazing.
And my underpaid technical support staff Do not fail me.
.
.
are toiling to create a collection of bespoke contraptions that will help me escape one of my worst nightmares - walking through a field.
But, as rosy-fingered dawn spreads over the land, I'm regretting my gentlemanly decision to allow Phill to call shotgun on the accommodation.
While I endured a caravan so small it can be towed inside a supermarket, Phill made himself comfortable in the TripBuddy.
This is the caravan of the future.
It has solar panels, gas points, state-of-the-art surround sound entertainment system and mood lighting, for the sake of flip.
But I must curb my caravan coveting, as Phill and I are about to embark on one of those massively rubbish days out to a point of so-called local interest.
But first we must break our fast and how better than a quintessential British dining experience, the picnic.
Yep, that's it.
Phill Mmm.
You're on a picnic.
What do you put your sandwiches in? Either clingfilm or foil or perhaps some oiled cloth.
I pity you.
The Compleat is a highly flexible silicon skin that moulds perfectly around any foodstuff.
Mmm.
Look at that.
Wow.
I hope you notice that the name contains a pun.
Yes.
Compl-eat.
Pl-eat.
I think they've just used the word eat and maybe just worked backwards from there and not really thought it through.
What are we going to eat out of? These things.
Wow.
They're edible.
Edible bowls? That's right.
What I think it will add is a pleasing time pressure to eating before it collapses in your hand.
Yeah.
But look, you can just break it off.
Yeah, let's try some of that bowl.
Mmm, that is very dry.
That's a dry bowl.
Wow.
It is like eating the desert.
I can actually feel the moisture going out of my feet.
Yes.
I'm just listening to your voice now, Phill, and it sounds parched.
I'm so dry! Good grief! Of course after a drying bowl like that, what one needs is a beverage.
Well, say you want to dunk some of your bowl? I might want to bowl dunk.
You might want to bowl dunk.
But what if the bowl starts going into the mug and I hate it when that happens.
Yes, it's a sludgy mess, but not with the Cookie Catcher.
Wow! You're fine.
Large bits of your bowl will be caught in this.
Would this be usable for anything else, you know, perhaps a? Tadpoling.
Yeah.
Having had your tea, you could go into an adjacent stream Yeah.
.
.
and just catch a little bit of pondscum.
We've got all this lovely equipment here, it seems foolish not to use some sort of plinth on which to set it all.
Well, just hold the horse that you're on, because Bang! Here we go.
It's there.
Set some items on there.
It's a great table, the bag table, but it's quite small.
Well, look.
I'm wearing Picnic Pants.
What? I'm wearing Picnic Pants.
Yeah.
It's a table here.
Ho ho! Look at that.
I can balance.
Look at that.
Yeah! And I don't want to boast, Phill Yeah.
I've got a cup holder here.
Wow! I think it's more of a biscuit holder.
OK.
Yeah? Look at you.
How do you think others would feel about eating off of that surface, Richard? This is not your table, Phill.
Do not eat from MY table.
Oh, but what if you've got titbits on there I want to nibble from? Well, I will pass you those titbits and you eat them under your own steam.
This is not an open table.
Come and enjoy a selection of avocado and seafood.
Relish the bounty.
Oh, good grief.
That has to go into their sales bumf.
This is a table for you and you alone.
Let's, er, let's head off.
I feel like I should write some sort of warning on the bowl.
Yeah.
It is now time to make Phill go to an attraction that I can mercifully avoid.
It only took me three goes before I guessed the USP of Teapot Island.
There are almost 7,000 teapots in its collection.
As if Maidstone wasn't fascinating enough.
7,000 teapots, Richard, think of it! Yep, I have thought of it and yet I mustn't go in.
There are reasons for this.
I do not like crowds.
It's bound to be rammed.
I'm going to get so excited, my elbows are going to fly about the place and cause breakages.
Perspex, there's Perspex over the teapots, Richard.
My elbows are like diamonds.
So, I have had my tech support staff rustle this up.
It's a webcam attached to a hat that is bone conductive.
So I'll be able to speak to you and your head will act as an amplifier for my words and then that's going to live stream to my tablet computer, so I can see what's going on, drink in the cultural goodness, without encountering what maybe some frankly creepy people.
Your loss, Ayoade.
OK.
I'm going to go and hang out by that massive weird teapot.
Wow, just believe what you're seeing, my friend.
Phill, how does it feel to be there live? I am overwhelmed.
I've never been around this much pottery.
I mean, this is so much better than being there.
Aw, that is a very evocative scene.
Two pandas hugging by some bamboo.
I'm really pleased I have the buffer of space from this experience.
I'm worried that I'd be overwhelmed.
Now, as you can see if I put my hand there, these ones are tiny.
These are ridiculously small teapots.
I mean, who is going to drink out of these? I don't know, someone with a great sense of fun.
I'll tell you what, I'm not going to speak back to you, but rest assured that I'm listening to everything you say.
OK? OK.
All right, thanks, Richard.
Well, this has blown my mind.
Keep talking, Phill, I'm listening.
I hope you're recording this, or at least doing screen grabs.
I vanquished the tedium of going inside museums, but have my technical support staff managed to devise a way for me to circumvent the insanity of going on a country walk, by providing gadgets that will do the hard work for me? Well, here we are at the Devil's Kneading Trough.
Damn straight.
Not all the way up yet.
No, no, because our reward, Richard, when we reach the top of the Trough, as they call it locally, our reward will be the delicious view behind us.
Right.
Well, I can only continue this abhorrent behaviour under one condition.
OK, let's go and introduce everyone to the condition.
So many conditions on this walk! Well My boffins have found these.
Bionic legs.
Originally used by the medical industry to assist with rehabilitation, they are equipped with sensors, which can tell what movement you're making and activate motors to assist.
They are the perfect gadget for those of us who want to ramble while using minimal energy.
No more stitches or stiff legs for me, with these fellas.
Yeah? No.
It's pretty good, isn't it? It's not pretty good.
This is insane.
I like the sound.
Yeah, it's really, really cutting across the sound of the meadow larks, isn't it? The sound is one of the great things about this.
It makes me feel purposive.
Look at the stride it's giving you.
Like John Wayne.
You look like a young John Wayne.
I look like I've soiled myself and I'm trying to find facilities.
That's the John Wayne walk.
Even with technology sharing the burden, halfway up the hill is pretty plenty for me.
We have a pit stop.
Ah, yonder.
So, I've arranged for refreshments to balance our blood sugar and an even bigger surprise for Phill.
I sense a reluctance in you to get back up.
Well, I'm here with my chunky robot thighs and a lovely ice cream.
I'd like to see the hill up there.
I sort of want to go, but I sort of don't.
You're in conflict, is what you're saying.
I am.
You're torn apart.
Mmm.
There's no solution.
No.
Well, there is.
Yeah? Enter, the NX Rover.
NASA currently has two operational Rovers on the surface of Mars, braving the elements to send home 360-degree views of the Red Planet.
But these were merely a dummy run for our Earth-traversing camera bot.
Fantastic! My team have commandeered this tour de force, so that I never have to walk to the top of a hill again.
I and other internet users anywhere in the world can have complete control of the Rover and camera, meaning that I can holiday without leaving the house.
Gosh, look at the HD.
Wow! That's some res right there.
You ever seen a stream as powerful as this? I have not.
It's a joy.
It's amazing because it's there Yes.
.
.
and it's there.
Yes.
And yet my eye is drawn to this beautiful representation of the view that is actually there.
It's wonderful.
If only we could have thought of this earlier, we wouldn't even have had to come here.
Nope.
Could have done all of this on the phone.
Beautiful.
So, while I still view the holiday with outright hostility, I've proved beyond any shred of a doubt that with the help of gadgets, it's possible to make it through with utter dignity.
Phill.
Darn tootin'.
Ooh, that's a glitch, that's a glitch.
That's a glitch.
What's happened there? Have your legs That's a glitch.
Really? Wow! Next time, Jimmy Doherty Give it a good sniff.
.
.
Alison Steadman What do you think? It seems great.
.
.
and a glut of gadgets help me face the living hell of shopping.
It's amazing.
Let's shake hands with them.
'As someone who extracts no joy from the exertions of daily life' Is that good? Yeah.
'.
.
gadgets are to me an oasis in the desert of doing.
' Can you think of anything more evil? 'This week, I fully intend to cure myself from my highly rational 'fear of holidays by embarking on a gadget-aided staycation.
' That's a bit weavy.
Yes! Awesome.
This is insane! This is that.
But how? How do you think others would feel about eating off of that surface? This is not an open table.
Yes, all of those things are going to happen in a maxi-gadgi-way.
It's unlikely to alarm you when I reveal that I'm constitutionally opposed to foreign travel, but a holiday here in the UK comes equipped with its own perils.
Well rubbish weather, traffic jams, flipping picnics, the strange compulsion to visit castles, and, worst of all, walking in supposedly beautiful landscapes.
'But I'm going to prove to you that technology can help a fella 'overcome all these hurdles by going on a gadget-stacked staycation.
'First, I'll need to tackle our volatile climate.
' The weather in Britain is subject to cruel variants.
TS Eliot would certainly back this brother up on that.
So, bearing that in mind, here is the Netatmo Weather Station - a digital equivalent of the barometer.
It analyses the air and sends detailed local forecasts to your smartphone.
No typhoons as yet, so I'm safe to pack.
Now, I plan to take this puppy, the Watershed Kodiak - a 295-litre inflating rucksack, for the sake of Pete.
First into this whopping bag is the Polychrome Temperature Controlling Jacket.
This jacket can raise or lower the temperature around the wearer's body by six degrees.
'Worn this way around, the reversible jacket absorbs warmth 'from the sun, while keeping body heat in to raise your temperature.
'Worn the other way, it absorbs your body heat, 'while deflecting the sun to keep you cool.
' I have no pressing wish to insult your intelligence, but I'll need plenty of power to recharge my mighty stack of gadgets.
So, I'm packing a Brunton Hydrogen Reactor.
I merely pop one of these hydrogen cartridges into here, which combines with oxygen in the air to produce zero emissions electricity.
Peace of mind come the apocalypse.
And I'm out.
A mandatory component of any British holiday is the unsightly business of cycling with family or so-called friends.
I'll be travelling with a specially selected, Channel 4-vetted companion on this Half Recumbent Tandem.
We will also be keeping a tight-fisted grip on the purse strings.
I'm certainly not going to fizz my wad on a hotel room, especially as I have the QT - the world's smallest operational caravan.
So my holiday is afoot.
Ahead of me lies the pungent gas of traffic, the wiggedy whackness of the British weather, fun-destroying days out, and, of course, dismal strolls through scenery.
But, as a man of gadget, I demand an easier way.
I need to consult my technical support staff.
Hello? Yeah, it's me.
I'm livid.
I'm holidaying in the United Kingdom and I need an out.
I will explain.
I want to go on days out without really going out.
And I want to go on bracing walks, without the walk being bracing.
Do not fail me.
Bye.
The tech team have been briefed, but my UK hols and the prospect of their unblinking tedium is imminent.
Before I pick up my companion, I must assess which single gadget is best suited to whiling away the long hours that will inevitably be spent sheltering from the rain.
And to help me, I've assembled a public panel - four average individuals, chosen for their averageness.
When it comes to affordable gadgets, they are four people who, together, make up Britain.
The panel have been given a selection of gadgets and between them, they'll decide which one, if any, provides most entertainment for a rainy day in Britain.
First up, our student and retiree are testing the Dice+.
Every time.
This dice and tablet are connected via Bluetooth and have a series of interactive games.
Come on, this time.
There are even board games where you don't have to move pieces.
Wow! Searching for dice.
Here it is.
Present it.
Next, our city professional and skilled manual worker are testing the Beewi Kickbee.
You're going to lose.
You're going to lose.
Ready? These robots are controlled by Bluetooth via your smartphone and can compete in a multitude of games.
Yay! How is the Kickbee? Awesome.
Right.
I don't really like it that much.
It's like the World Cup.
There's already conflict here.
The Powerup 3.
0 is the world's first paper airplane you can control with your smartphone.
If you call this controllook.
There we go.
It's so difficult to get it to do it properly.
I think it went under the stool.
Oh, God.
Went a bit further though, didn't it, that time? Yeah.
What better a pastime when stuck indoors than to watch a ball roll around the house.
It's perfect for you, isn't it? Behold the Sphero 2.
0, a smartphone controlled robot ball.
You can change the colour.
Oh, really? Any colour you like.
Matches your eyes.
Let's go for yellow.
As in all human relationships, there can only be one victor and after heated and thorough debate, the group have finally agreed on our public panel prize winner.
The robot football game.
Even girls can play.
Wow, well, from that ringing and ultimately misogynistic endorsement, we have to lionise the Kickbee that Britain, as one, has chosen.
I can delay no longer.
My staycation must commence.
Firstly, I must ditch the QTvan in a local caravanning hot spot, because - and this is far from ideal - I'll not be staycationing solo.
Comedian Phill Jupitus is as British as unmanned service stations or drizzle, making him the perfect companion for my sojourn.
Hello, Phill Jupitus.
Richard.
Would you like to join me for a UK-based holiday on this recumbent tandem? Seems like the thing to do, my friend.
Then, for safety's sake, put on a helmet.
OK.
All right.
You know how a recumbent tandem works, right? Well, yeah.
All right.
Go.
All right.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah, that's a bit weavy.
Mmm.
'Unlike a standard tandem, 'the rearmost cyclist on this bike takes the brunt of the legwork.
' Oh, come on.
PHILL GRUNTS 'So, it's mainly Phill powering us 'through the Garden of England towards our first staycation stop.
' Historic Leeds Castle, Phill.
Not in Leeds.
That's a category mistake.
It's in Kent.
I mean, that is why I was late.
Yes.
You're dazzled by its beauty, I can see joy flooding your face.
Really? Yeah.
Buthow do we document this? How do we make this experience real? Watercolours? No.
We need to photograph it with the latest in digital technology.
All right.
'And here they are, three cameras that will revolutionise 'the way you capture historic monuments.
'First up are these binoculars of the future.
' Wow.
Binoculars Yeah.
.
.
but you can record 3D images.
Ah, this is what we want.
I can only take 2D photos, which is a bit of a downer, but it's made up for by the GPS system.
GPS? GPS.
It's a revolution.
I can really see that third dimension.
Yes.
'Binoculars may well be as 3D as eyes, 'but I feel they're somewhat unidirectional.
'I need a gadget that can offer me a broader range.
' The Panoramic Pod.
'Taking a panoramic photograph involves moving your phone 'from side to side, while navigating an arrow across a guideline.
'But how in the name of all that's right 'can you avoid photo-ruining hand wobble? 'How?!' The problem is Yeah - I mean, I'm not that baroque with my movement.
But there's still an unsteadiness.
Not with this.
Look at it.
That's remarkably steady.
Yes, the word you're looking for has two Ws and an O in the middle.
Mmm.
I like the Panoramic Pod and it gives you that sweeping view, but I want something a bit more sweepy.
OK.
Well, this is dynamite.
'From a gadget that rotates your phone for you, 'to a hi tech camera that can photograph everything at once.
'The Ricoh Theta.
' Wow! It's a huge 360-degree view of the castle.
360, it's everything.
'Next is a camera device 'which means you don't even have to leave the car park.
'The Drone.
' This is the Phantom DJI2.
That's right, that face is appropriate.
'I've applied for special authorisation to fly 'here from Leeds Castle air traffic control.
'And what's more, we received that authorisation.
' Look at that go.
'This remote control quadracopter 'is so insultingly easy to use 'that after minimal assembly 'you can fly it straight from the box.
'The camera can maintain Wi-Fi connection 'to your phone for up to 300 metres.
'And it has a smooth hover mode to give you steady shots.
' Don't look at the castle, look here.
OK, let's take in the beauty.
Yeah.
Can you swivel the camera or do you swivel the helicopter? You swivel the helicopter.
I'm no Airwolf, so OK.
Look at this.
This is that.
Yeah, but here, it's just so much more digital.
It's interesting.
What's your assessment of one to ten? Ten being most blown away, one being just very blown away.
Do you not have an 11? Because my socks are off.
Good.
Let's walk off with purpose.
'After the break, the ultimate staycation continues 'as a combination of technology and Phill Jupitus 'saves me from staypurgatory.
' Wow.
It is like eating a desert.
I'm conducting a brave experiment to see whether gadgets can help me, a pooh-pooh-er of staycations, enjoy a staycation.
Also, Phill Jupitus is here.
It's almost as if the castle's really just over there.
It's amazing.
And my underpaid technical support staff Do not fail me.
.
.
are toiling to create a collection of bespoke contraptions that will help me escape one of my worst nightmares - walking through a field.
But, as rosy-fingered dawn spreads over the land, I'm regretting my gentlemanly decision to allow Phill to call shotgun on the accommodation.
While I endured a caravan so small it can be towed inside a supermarket, Phill made himself comfortable in the TripBuddy.
This is the caravan of the future.
It has solar panels, gas points, state-of-the-art surround sound entertainment system and mood lighting, for the sake of flip.
But I must curb my caravan coveting, as Phill and I are about to embark on one of those massively rubbish days out to a point of so-called local interest.
But first we must break our fast and how better than a quintessential British dining experience, the picnic.
Yep, that's it.
Phill Mmm.
You're on a picnic.
What do you put your sandwiches in? Either clingfilm or foil or perhaps some oiled cloth.
I pity you.
The Compleat is a highly flexible silicon skin that moulds perfectly around any foodstuff.
Mmm.
Look at that.
Wow.
I hope you notice that the name contains a pun.
Yes.
Compl-eat.
Pl-eat.
I think they've just used the word eat and maybe just worked backwards from there and not really thought it through.
What are we going to eat out of? These things.
Wow.
They're edible.
Edible bowls? That's right.
What I think it will add is a pleasing time pressure to eating before it collapses in your hand.
Yeah.
But look, you can just break it off.
Yeah, let's try some of that bowl.
Mmm, that is very dry.
That's a dry bowl.
Wow.
It is like eating the desert.
I can actually feel the moisture going out of my feet.
Yes.
I'm just listening to your voice now, Phill, and it sounds parched.
I'm so dry! Good grief! Of course after a drying bowl like that, what one needs is a beverage.
Well, say you want to dunk some of your bowl? I might want to bowl dunk.
You might want to bowl dunk.
But what if the bowl starts going into the mug and I hate it when that happens.
Yes, it's a sludgy mess, but not with the Cookie Catcher.
Wow! You're fine.
Large bits of your bowl will be caught in this.
Would this be usable for anything else, you know, perhaps a? Tadpoling.
Yeah.
Having had your tea, you could go into an adjacent stream Yeah.
.
.
and just catch a little bit of pondscum.
We've got all this lovely equipment here, it seems foolish not to use some sort of plinth on which to set it all.
Well, just hold the horse that you're on, because Bang! Here we go.
It's there.
Set some items on there.
It's a great table, the bag table, but it's quite small.
Well, look.
I'm wearing Picnic Pants.
What? I'm wearing Picnic Pants.
Yeah.
It's a table here.
Ho ho! Look at that.
I can balance.
Look at that.
Yeah! And I don't want to boast, Phill Yeah.
I've got a cup holder here.
Wow! I think it's more of a biscuit holder.
OK.
Yeah? Look at you.
How do you think others would feel about eating off of that surface, Richard? This is not your table, Phill.
Do not eat from MY table.
Oh, but what if you've got titbits on there I want to nibble from? Well, I will pass you those titbits and you eat them under your own steam.
This is not an open table.
Come and enjoy a selection of avocado and seafood.
Relish the bounty.
Oh, good grief.
That has to go into their sales bumf.
This is a table for you and you alone.
Let's, er, let's head off.
I feel like I should write some sort of warning on the bowl.
Yeah.
It is now time to make Phill go to an attraction that I can mercifully avoid.
It only took me three goes before I guessed the USP of Teapot Island.
There are almost 7,000 teapots in its collection.
As if Maidstone wasn't fascinating enough.
7,000 teapots, Richard, think of it! Yep, I have thought of it and yet I mustn't go in.
There are reasons for this.
I do not like crowds.
It's bound to be rammed.
I'm going to get so excited, my elbows are going to fly about the place and cause breakages.
Perspex, there's Perspex over the teapots, Richard.
My elbows are like diamonds.
So, I have had my tech support staff rustle this up.
It's a webcam attached to a hat that is bone conductive.
So I'll be able to speak to you and your head will act as an amplifier for my words and then that's going to live stream to my tablet computer, so I can see what's going on, drink in the cultural goodness, without encountering what maybe some frankly creepy people.
Your loss, Ayoade.
OK.
I'm going to go and hang out by that massive weird teapot.
Wow, just believe what you're seeing, my friend.
Phill, how does it feel to be there live? I am overwhelmed.
I've never been around this much pottery.
I mean, this is so much better than being there.
Aw, that is a very evocative scene.
Two pandas hugging by some bamboo.
I'm really pleased I have the buffer of space from this experience.
I'm worried that I'd be overwhelmed.
Now, as you can see if I put my hand there, these ones are tiny.
These are ridiculously small teapots.
I mean, who is going to drink out of these? I don't know, someone with a great sense of fun.
I'll tell you what, I'm not going to speak back to you, but rest assured that I'm listening to everything you say.
OK? OK.
All right, thanks, Richard.
Well, this has blown my mind.
Keep talking, Phill, I'm listening.
I hope you're recording this, or at least doing screen grabs.
I vanquished the tedium of going inside museums, but have my technical support staff managed to devise a way for me to circumvent the insanity of going on a country walk, by providing gadgets that will do the hard work for me? Well, here we are at the Devil's Kneading Trough.
Damn straight.
Not all the way up yet.
No, no, because our reward, Richard, when we reach the top of the Trough, as they call it locally, our reward will be the delicious view behind us.
Right.
Well, I can only continue this abhorrent behaviour under one condition.
OK, let's go and introduce everyone to the condition.
So many conditions on this walk! Well My boffins have found these.
Bionic legs.
Originally used by the medical industry to assist with rehabilitation, they are equipped with sensors, which can tell what movement you're making and activate motors to assist.
They are the perfect gadget for those of us who want to ramble while using minimal energy.
No more stitches or stiff legs for me, with these fellas.
Yeah? No.
It's pretty good, isn't it? It's not pretty good.
This is insane.
I like the sound.
Yeah, it's really, really cutting across the sound of the meadow larks, isn't it? The sound is one of the great things about this.
It makes me feel purposive.
Look at the stride it's giving you.
Like John Wayne.
You look like a young John Wayne.
I look like I've soiled myself and I'm trying to find facilities.
That's the John Wayne walk.
Even with technology sharing the burden, halfway up the hill is pretty plenty for me.
We have a pit stop.
Ah, yonder.
So, I've arranged for refreshments to balance our blood sugar and an even bigger surprise for Phill.
I sense a reluctance in you to get back up.
Well, I'm here with my chunky robot thighs and a lovely ice cream.
I'd like to see the hill up there.
I sort of want to go, but I sort of don't.
You're in conflict, is what you're saying.
I am.
You're torn apart.
Mmm.
There's no solution.
No.
Well, there is.
Yeah? Enter, the NX Rover.
NASA currently has two operational Rovers on the surface of Mars, braving the elements to send home 360-degree views of the Red Planet.
But these were merely a dummy run for our Earth-traversing camera bot.
Fantastic! My team have commandeered this tour de force, so that I never have to walk to the top of a hill again.
I and other internet users anywhere in the world can have complete control of the Rover and camera, meaning that I can holiday without leaving the house.
Gosh, look at the HD.
Wow! That's some res right there.
You ever seen a stream as powerful as this? I have not.
It's a joy.
It's amazing because it's there Yes.
.
.
and it's there.
Yes.
And yet my eye is drawn to this beautiful representation of the view that is actually there.
It's wonderful.
If only we could have thought of this earlier, we wouldn't even have had to come here.
Nope.
Could have done all of this on the phone.
Beautiful.
So, while I still view the holiday with outright hostility, I've proved beyond any shred of a doubt that with the help of gadgets, it's possible to make it through with utter dignity.
Phill.
Darn tootin'.
Ooh, that's a glitch, that's a glitch.
That's a glitch.
What's happened there? Have your legs That's a glitch.
Really? Wow! Next time, Jimmy Doherty Give it a good sniff.
.
.
Alison Steadman What do you think? It seems great.
.
.
and a glut of gadgets help me face the living hell of shopping.
It's amazing.