Ghosts (2021) s03e03 Episode Script

1
Father, I've returned.
Where have you been,
Henrietta Woodstone?
Why, with friends at the
pedestrianism event, of course.
Ooh, how those walkers walked.
It looked like John
Whitaker was going to win,
but then Jim Smithee
walked a little bit faster.
Are you sure that's the
story you wish to stick with?
Because in just a few weeks' time
I'll be able to read the
results for myself in the paper.
What are you saying, Father?
You were not walker watching.
You were rendezvousing with
that painter paramour of yours.
- What? No!
- Really?
Then explain this.
Oh, dear.
You posed for this, this pornography.
It's art, and he is a genius.
Full ankle! How could you?
- Maybe I did show a little too much skin but
- Too much skin?!
Thank God your mother is
currently involuntarily
institutionalized with hysteria,
because this would kill her!
♪
Okay. I'm off to the airport.
I will be back Monday.
I have a bachelorette party in
Chicago for my friend Stacey.
Ooh, Stacey "hot college friend" Stacey?
Loving her Instagram posts recently.
Yes. Thank you, by the
way, for DM'ing her "wowza"
while logged in to Jay's account.
Yep, anytime you find
questionable Internet activity,
it's the ghosts.
You're away the whole weekend?
Who's gonna flip pages in our magazines?
Or move things we desire to be moved?
Yes, I will miss you
all, too. Especially you.
Babe. (CHUCKLES)
I am glad that my sister and
Eric are coming up, though,
'cause I did not want to be alone
in a house full of creepy ghosts.
No offense.
How we not take offense at that?
So Bela and Eric are
still going strong, huh?
Oh, that's the guy she was
here with last Christmas.
Yes. Bela seems so happy.
I'm just glad she's finally
giving a good guy a shot.
Did you know he secretly
took classes to learn
how to make crepes because
Bela told him she loves crepes?
JAY: The guy's the
total package. I mean,
he's an architect, he's
a human, he wears pants.
You almost have sex with a guy's sister
one time with another man's penis,
you never hear the end of it.
Well, have a great weekend, everybody.
- Love you. Mwah.
- Love you.
Oh! Remember when you
drink too much rosé,
you get a headache.
And if a pillow fight breaks out,
you be open to it.
Bring back head of
bachelorette. (LAUGHS)
Thor not really know what
bachelorette party is.
Now, the thing about planning a wedding
is you want it to be
a most exclusive event.
It's almost more important
who you don't invite.
Hey, guys, what's going on?
Let's keep him in mind
to fill that vital role.
Hello, Peter.
ISAAC: Hetty has graciously
agreed to be our wedding planner,
and she's giving us a little consult.
To think that we once planned battles
on opposite sides of a war,
and now we're smelling cakes.
Ah, I love a wedding.
Carol and I had our
reception at the VFW Hall.
Oh, it was a heck of an affair.
Not unlike the one my best man
had years later with my bride.
Okay, so no toasts from Peter.
Now, let's talk budget.
Oh, well, I do have that
$10,000 from my book advance,
so sky's the limit.
Surely we don't want to spend
all of our money on the wedding.
JAY: Hey, ghosts. So, I put out
some wedding cake options
downstairs on the kitchen table.
Okay, I'm gonna go say
that in all the other rooms.
- To the kitchen!
- Huzzah!
(LAUGHING)
Did you hear that? Nigel
just referred to Isaac's money
using the pronoun "our."
He said "our money."
I guess he did. That money
is not Nigel's. It's Isaac's.
Well, once you get married,
it's community property.
Your wife was community property.
I am so sorry.
You said that thing earlier.
I thought the doors were open.
BELA: We're here!
JAY: Bela, it's so great to see you!
Where's Eric? Did you guys break up?
Don't tell me you're
seeing the motorcycle guy
that lives in your building.
Jean-Claude? I mean,
I do like a bad boy.
- Yeah, she does.
- (LAUGHING): But no.
Things with me and Eric are great.
He's just grabbing my bags.
So, what's been going
on with the ghosts?
Oh, big, big stuff.
Uh, Sass haunts my dreams now.
- Uh, Isaac and Nigel got engaged.
- Oh.
- And then, Flower got sucked off.
- Good for her.
Solving my murder doesn't
even make the list?
- You son of a bitch.
- ERIC: There he is!
- Hey!
- Hey! Thank you so much for having us.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Yeah. I'm just sorry
that Sam couldn't be here.
She-she's not here, right?
No, she had to go to
a bachelorette party.
Drinking blood of vanquished
bachelorette Stacey.
JAY: I just wanted to
thank you in person.
Those designs that you
did for the restaurant?
(IMITATES EXPLOSION) I was blown away.
Well, you guys said that you
couldn't afford an architect,
which is why those
plans are on the house.
- What? Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
Eric is most generous.
No. No, no, no, I can't accept that.
He can, and he will. Are we
really doing this dance, Jay?
What are the ghosts
saying? Are they surprised?
Well, you know,
Sam's the one who can hear them.
All I do is make cakes for them
and then throw the cakes away.
Eric, can we tell him?
I thought we agreed that we wouldn't.
- What's going on?
- JAY: I'm sorry.
- What's going on?
- BELA: Please. I mean,
who's going to understand more than Jay?
Okay, fine.
So, remember last Christmas when
I tried to let Trevor possess me
so that he could be with
Bela, but I electrocuted myself
and legally died for several minutes?
- Yes, I do recall that.
- Yeah.
Well, when we got back to
Boston, a couple weeks later
Eric can see ghosts!
- What?
- Yes!
- What?
- Are they freaking out?
They're freaking out, yeah.
This is incredible.
Who all's in here right now?
Uh, well, let's see.
Um, there's Alberta.
So nice to meet you.
Skipping over pleasantries,
I need a page turn in my
People magazine.
- She says "hello."
- What?
And, uh, there's the
Revolutionary War guy,
Isaac. Yeah.
Oh, and there's the-the arrow guy.
My man Pete!
Pete is not in here.
- This dude can't see ghosts.
- My gods.
Eric is lying.
HETTY: Isaac,
- you have a big problem on your hands.
- Oh.
Nigel will come around to the
carrot cake. Don't you worry.
I'm talking about his referring
to your fortune as "our money."
I'm not following.
I know no one likes to
think this at the beginning,
but what if things don't work out?
You needn't look any
further than this room
to see two sad-sack losers
who lost out on love.
I'm just trying to watch TV.
Yeah, why are we being attacked?
As cautionary tales!
I'm just saying, not
all marriages work out.
Hey, I never got divorced.
Luckily, the arrow felled me
before I found out my
marriage was a sham.
And I never married the car ghost.
Things ended amicably when she told me
she wanted to live on the
road so she could smell Arby's.
ISAAC: Oh, my God. It's
like a sadness duel,
and they've both been shot dead.
You know, Isaac, you
could just ask Nigel
to agree to a prenup, stating
that if you do break up,
he doesn't get half your money.
Yes! Yes, yes!
I'm not saying that
things won't work out.
I am saying, protect yourself in case.
No one has more to lose than the rich.
Yet, no one ever looks out for us.
And you know who's still bumming
around Boston? Samuel Adams.
(LAUGHING): Yeah. I will
tell him you say hi, Isaac.
It's not a problem.
Isaac is not even here, you liar!
Speaking of Samuel Adams, do
either of you guys want a beer?
- Yes.
- You know what? I'll grab 'em, yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHING): Yes, Thor,
you can smell mine.
Oh, my gosh.
He's not wrong. I do want to smell,
but I not say that!
- This is unbelievable.
- BELA: Right?
And it has made me and Eric way tighter.
I mean, he's going through so much,
and I just want to be there for him.
Trevor, do something!
Text Bela that this
guy's not on the level.
I can't. He closed the laptop.
He flipped over the iPad.
There's no defeating that.
This guy is an evil genius.
I just can't believe
there's another person
who knows exactly
what I'm going through,
and it's my sister.
Of all the things that could
have brought us closer together.
Turns out it was dating
white people who see ghosts.
SAMANTHA: Surprise!
Oh!
There was weather in Chicago,
and my flight got cancelled.
- Hey, Bela!
- Sam!
You missed an incredible turn of events.
- (OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
- Ghosts, hold on. Hold on.
Jay, go.
Eric can see ghosts now!
- Seriously?!
- Yes!
- No!
- Is lie!
(SHUSHING) TREVOR: He's lying
to Bela. He can't see ghosts.
ERIC: Pete was just telling me
the funniest thing in
the kitchen. Oh, crap.
I mean, hi, Sam. Great to see you.
Eric's lying. He can't see ghosts.
What? Why would he do that?
Because he's trying to pull a
fast one on your sister, pal.
Says the man that catfished
her for three months.
Technically, I never said I was alive.
So, if she made
assumptions, that's on her.
I don't know what's going on,
but we need to talk to Bela.
She's never gonna give
a nice guy a shot again.
I'll tell you that much.
She's just gonna go run
into the arms of Jean-Claude.
He's a really cute
motorcycle guy she's
mentioned a couple times.
Whatever. Sounds like a
loser. Can't even afford a car.
Says man who can't afford pants.
Hey, Sam, Jay and Pete?
- Nope.
- Oh, I can explain.
JAY: This is just weird, man.
And part of me feels like
I shouldn't even accept
free architecture
plans, but you know what?
I'm gonna be the bigger person.
Now, what's going on?
Okay, so, for the first couple weeks
after the Christmas we spent
here, things were going great.
Right? I mean, I was, like,
this dangerous, cool guy who agreed
to get electrocuted in order
to facilitate ghost sex.
- We almost made history.
- But,
subtly, slowly, I just
I felt Bela, like,
getting bored with me.
- So you decided to lie to her?
- I panicked.
Okay? And-and Bela was talking about
how-how cool it would have been
if the near-death caused me to
develop ghost powers like you.
And so, I went with it.
I came clean about the
burden I'd been carrying
that I was now able to see ghosts.
Damn it, Eric, we were rooting for you.
You took a crepe-making class.
I know I have to tell Bela the truth,
but I also know that she's
gonna break up with me.
And I'm in love with her.
Oh, he's a fool, but
he's a fool in love.
I'm really sorry, you guys.
I'm gonna go get this over with.
Just wait. Wait!
What if there was a way to end the lie
without Bela ever getting hurt?
What are you proposing, Jay?
I don't like what you did.
- Okay?
- Yeah. No, I understand.
But I do think you're
good for my sister.
So, here's what I'm thinking.
Oh, I love when Jay tees up a big idea.
We stage an accident,
something to undo the curse.
You-you hit your head, and voilà
you can't see ghosts, curse gone.
Don't love referring to
seeing ghosts as curse,
but is good plan.
What do you think, babe?
Well, I do think people make mistakes.
And maybe this is just making
the best of some bad options?
Sam's on board with this meshuggener?
Actually, it's mishegas.
Someone who has a lot of
mishegas is meshuggener.
Can you name one jazz artist?
Okay, but we got to
talk about logistics.
Well, you may be surprised to find out
that I have an extensive
tumbling background.
So, at the right moment,
I'll just throw myself down the stairs.
Or you-you could just say
you fell down the stairs.
No, I'm done lying.
Let's get ready to tumble.
NIGEL: Tell me what's on your mind.
Well, Hetty and Pete
had an interesting idea.
Seeing as I have all the money
and you have no money,
uh, perhaps you would
agree to what they call
a prenuptial agreement.
Stating that in the unlikely
event things go south,
I would get to keep all
my aforementioned money.
I see.
Oh, that's a big weight off my chest.
Now I do want to discuss the rather
delicate issue of the carrot cake.
So, you think our marriage won't last!
Oh, dear.
Well, I don't think one should head into
a commitment such as
this planning to fail.
No one is planning to fail.
I'm just planning to continue to be rich
in the event things do fail.
Oh, if it isn't our
wedding planner. (LAUGHS)
I wasn't aware it was
part of your services
to sabotage the marriage
right out of the gate!
Well, he was none too pleased
about the prenuptial idea, Hetty.
This is why you have
these conversations now.
So what are you saying?
If he doesn't agree to
this, we shouldn't wed?
Isaac, marriage is a
business arrangement.
Don't let love cloud your judgment.
(ISAAC SIGHS)
I don't want to end up poor,
but I also don't want
to end up a loser in love
like Pete or Sasappis.
It was Arby's.
I was supportive!
Okay, don't group me in with Pete!
HETTY: Mmm.
ALBERTA: So when are
we doing this thing?
Sam, get in here! Let's
get this show on the road!
Maybe fall down stairs
actually result in death?
We don't know, but Thor
excited to find out.
I don't want to be weird, but, um,
would you mind telling Trevor I say hi?
Of course, no problem.
He says hi back.
Yep. Yep. He looks amazing, by the way.
Jawline is as strong as ever.
I wish I could say as
much about the hair.
- What?
- BELA: He's losing his hair?
Do ghosts go bald?
You know what? I don't make the rules,
but apparently, yeah, they do.
Oh, I hate him but I respect it.
Here's some hors d'œuvres.
- Oh.
- Help yourselves.
You guys, that's so nice.
So nice. You know,
I'm actually gonna, uh,
freshen up before dinner,
but I will be right down.
Whoa. Oh, wow.
I just walked right through Flower.
Oh, my God. I'm so I'm so woozy.
Oh. All right, well, I better
be careful on those stairs.
I thought you said
Flower got sucked off.
Did I say that?
Yes, you very distinctly told me that.
You said it was "huge news."
Sam, did Flower get sucked off or not?
Flower did get sucked off.
Eric must have just gotten confused.
That doesn't make sense.
He wasn't confused.
He said he walked through Flower,
and then he got high,
which is her power, right?
But how could he have
walked through Flower
if she's not even here?
- Well, the jig is up.
- Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
Eric can't see ghosts.
I'm sorry, what?
Why would he say that?
And why were you going along with it?
He just cares about you so much
and you guys seemed so happy.
And it was a little lie.
BELA: A little lie?
He took me to Minnesota for my birthday
to have dinner with Prince.
ERIC: I'm feeling so wobbly from Flower.
Oh, no. Eric.
JAY: Eric!
Oh! (GROANING)
I hit my head so hard.
Where are the ghosts?
I-I don't see them. They're gone.
No
Eric, Bela knows the truth.
Okay, then. Here's some more truth.
I'm pretty sure I broke my fibula.
I don't think it's
broken. Can you move it?
Yeah, but it hurts.
Good, you deserve it.
Okay, we need to splint
this and call his parents.
Just mercy kill him. Put out of misery.
I recommend painkillers.
For him, and for you guys.
Put on some Dave Matthews,
that's a way to spend an afternoon.
Bela, please do not blame Sam and Jay.
It wasn't their fault. I-I just
put them in a terrible position.
No, this is on me.
I'm the one who came up with
the whole "reverse the curse" idea.
What? Why?
Because I think deep
down Eric is a good guy
and loves you.
And I just didn't want you to end up
with another Jean-Claude type.
Well, you don't have to worry about that
because he's not a real option.
Jean-Claude is a ghost
that lives in my building.
Or I guess he's not a ghost.
He's just another part of
Eric's elaborate lie, apparently.
Bela, wait. I-I'm sorry, I ju Oh.
We really messed up.
I feel terrible.
I'm not really wild about Bela
having a thing for another ghost.
As far as she knew.
Seriously? We're doing this now?
Hey, I am willing to concede
that she should be with
someone from her own plane of existence,
but if ghosts are on the table,
I'd like to be top choice.
HETTY: Okay, Sasappis,
enough with the mystery.
Why do you insist on leading
me down this corridor?
There's something you need to see.
- This. You recall this painting?
- (HETTY GASPS)
My lurid shame.
What is this doing here?
I haven't seen this in 150 years.
Stop looking, you pervert.
I see you ankle ogling.
Okay, I brought you here
to remind you of a time
when you once faced a similar choice
as the one you now advise Isaac on.
Henrietta Woodstone, I
forbid you from seeing
this destitute artist again.
But I want to marry him.
And live off what?
Because if you follow through with
that threat, you'll be cut off.
I'm sorry, cut off?
From my money.
You'll get not one penny more.
And this mansion that was to go to you
and your eventual husband,
that would be gone, too.
I thought he mean "cut
off" like her head.
I know you did, big guy.
Much less exciting now.
The choice is yours, Henrietta.
You once chose money over love.
And were you happy?
- Oh. Nice ankle, you whore.
- (GASPS)
Hey, Bela, w-we just wanted
to say again how sorry we were.
If you're here to get
me to forgive Eric,
you can forget about it.
No, we just wanted to apologize.
It just sucks because I
actually really liked him.
I thought he could've been the one.
But you can't start off
a relationship like that.
Something that's meant to
be can't start on a lie.
- I couldn't agree more.
- Well
Wait, what?
Ooh, we're gonna dig in on this.
I-I'm just saying that our
relationship could've started
with like a teeny, tiny little lie.
(LAUGHS) What was the lie, Sam?
Was that it you could
solve a Rubik's Cube?
Because those were tough.
So, you remember how
we met because we kept
running into each other at that
cute coffee shop in the West Village?
Yeah, it was our neighborhood spot.
Well, it was your neighborhood spot.
The first time I went there
was to meet a friend.
And then I got chatting
to this really handsome guy in line.
And I thought maybe there was a spark,
so the next morning I went back
to see if he would be there again,
after waking up at 6:00
a.m. to catch the PATH train
from Jersey City, where I lived.
You thirsty bitch.
I thought you lived on Bleecker.
What does Jay have? I don't get it.
He plays D&D and owns a Chewbacca watch.
SAMANTHA: I just
didn't want you to think
I was some weirdo who
stalked you at a coffee shop.
Uh, but you were a weirdo who
stalked me in a coffee shop.
Only for two months, and
then I actually moved there.
The point is, it all worked out.
So, you're saying you think I
should give Eric another chance?
I'm saying that sometimes
people do crazy things for love.
Aww, babe.
Yeah, I once walked across
frozen fjord to attend orgy.
Sort of a fjorgy, if you will.
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS) Yes!
I am kinda bummed though,
because seeing ghosts made
Eric a bit of a bad boy.
Well, I mean, Jean-Claude's
a bit of a bad boy, isn't he?
- Jean-Claude's not real, Jay.
- Exactly. He's inside Eric.
He's been inside Eric this whole time.
Hey, hey. So, I'm gonna head out.
Um, I'm leaving you the car.
I'm gonna take an Uber Pool.
It says it's gonna take 14 hours,
but it's what I deserve.
I don't think that's necessary
Jean-Claude.
Excusez-moi ?
I'm willing to give you a clean slate.
But from here on out,
it's total honesty.
Absolutely.
Now, tell me about that
time you hit an oil slick
on the road to Saint-Tropez.
(FRENCH ACCENT):
But of course, mademoiselle.
Oh, ho-ho!
That accent. How would
anybody believe that?
Wasn't your prom date a fake French guy?
Okay, sure, that's fair.
Pete, say joke again.
Clever combining of words.
All right, here we go.
Fjorgy. (LAUGHS)
Yeah. Not funny second time.
ISAAC: And so I find myself
at a crossroads, Samantha.
What should I do?
I think that if you love Nigel,
that's all that matters.
Spoken like a true poor who
didn't inherit her mansion
until after she married.
I mean, thank you.
Will you please tell
me what this is about?
I have something to say and
I need you both to hear it.
Oh, Samantha, welcome back.
I'm sorry about that bachelorette party.
Oh, thank you, yeah,
it would have been fun.
But Stacey's actually talking about
rescheduling a spring
trip to Lake Havasu, so
I didn't ask for a Dickens novel.
Now, Isaac, I fear I gave
you bad counsel earlier.
I once faced a choice
between money and
love, and I chose money.
And in many ways, I was poorer for it.
Really? But you love money.
(LAUGHS) I know. Money
can buy wonderful things.
Mansions and coachmen
and unlimited cocaine.
But the point is, I was
not happy in my marriage.
I never got a chance to
experience what you two had.
So, don't throw away
your chance at happiness
for a petty fortune.
I don't want to lose you.
Nor I you, Captain Higgintoot.
Also, this thing about Eric,
uh, lying about seeing
ghosts is a reminder
of just how rare Samantha's gift is.
And without someone like her around
to help us spend it,
what good even is money?
Interesting. So you're saying
Samantha's imminent demise,
in a way, makes the
money less important.
- Imminent?
- HETTY: Exactly!
How many have we seen come and go?
Her life is a blip in the grand scheme,
but once she's gone,
you two will still have each other.
Now that's a lovely sentiment.
I work out twice a week. I eat well.
I don't want a prenup. I just want you.
Because love is more
important than money.
And Samantha is going to die.
Oh, Isaac.
Okay, well, I'm going to go.
So glad everything worked out.
Congrats.
Don't be upset.
Be inspired by our words.
Stop wasting your life sitting
around not doing cocaine!