Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s03e03 Episode Script

This programme contains
some strong language.
MOURNERS: Abide with me
Fast falls the eventide
The darkness deepens
Lord, with me abide
When other helpers fail
And comforts flee
THUNDER
Help of the helpless
O abide with me ♪
Such a terrible blow -
to lose one's parents like this.
Even though they were your adoptive
parents, I know how close you were.
Do you have any immediate plans?
Yes, I'm going to find
my real mother!
I'm going to find my mummy!
You've must've been
a beautiful baby
You must've been
a beautiful chi-i-ild ♪
What went wrong, eh, Lindy?
What went wrong?
How did this bundle
of peachy-skinned fun become
this amorphous mass of
sadness and cellulite?
Oh, I was a bonny wee laddie,
as we say in Merthyr Tydfil!
It's no wonder
I won first prize at school
for biggest hair in class.
- I thought you were making me a cup
of tea. - OK, keep your hair on!
And crisps! I want crisps!
OK, OK, I've only got one pair
of hands. I'm not an octopus!
Je ne suis pas octopus.
POP!
Though I did play an octopus
once - in Underwater Calypso
in rep. Gave great tentacle!
I'd a washing-up bowl on my head
with tights hanging off it
all done in Day-Glo paint.
Wore a black body stocking and
it was done with ultraVIOLEN
lighting. I'll show you! Look!
Imagine brightly-coloured tights
hanging off it
and Dervla Kirwan
dressed as a seahorse.
Oh, how I loved
her cheeky Irish crack!
Do you mind? I'm eating!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, what do YOU want?
Hi, Linseed oil!
Hi, Tom des garcons! Oh, cool hat!
(You've blacked up! A) I find that
offensive and B) ridic! What does
Jez think about all this?
Take a chill pill, Tom!
I've been eating coal!
Do you mind if I take a seat?
I've locked myself out.
- And Jez is abseiling off Tate Modern
for Donkeys In Crisis so - Great(!)
Left my keys on my life-size
cut-out of Benazir Bhutto.
Honestly, I am so forgetful!
My Auntie Nitty was like that.
She once locked me in the boot of
her Beetle when she went to Malaga
for a fortnight. I nearly died!
Yes, they say never to leave dogs
in a car on a hot day.
Them handcuffs and that gag!
Psst! Psst!
Psst!
(Have you seen the size of HER?)
- It's rude to whisper!
- HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF HER?
I am pregnant!
Oh, pregnant, is it, eh?
And that means?
She's having a baby!
- Oh. - I'm about to drop
at any moment. - Ugh!
'Ere, when you is pregnant,
does that mean you're not allowed
a bevvy of the alcoholic variety?
I'll say. May lead to difficulties
later in life.
- Did your mum drink while she was
carrying you, Linda? - Oh, yes.
She had me in one hand and a can
of Guinness in the other.
She shoved things down my romper
suit - used me as an handbag.
I was the only one in nursery
with straps!
Shut up! As if YOU went to nursery!
I mean, as if!
- Your parents probably tied you up
in the yard and chucked you bits
of raw meat! - A girl's gotta eat!
DOORBELL
- I - can't get it! I'm pregnant!
I can't get it, I'm homosexual.
Oh, so I suppose I gotta get it cos
I'm the only one 'ere who's normal!
Do you mind if I use your bedroom,
Tom? I, um, feel a little sleepy.
I felt a little Sleepy when I did
"Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs"
at Chester.
He wasn't that little either!
Yes?
Mummy!
- How on earth can you
forget about something like this?
- I put it at the back of my mind.
You put worries about housework
to the back of your mind or your
slacks clashing with your bra top!
Not giving birth!
Oh, my God, he's got his hand up!
Up what?
Excuse me. I'm pretty tired
after my journey.
Could I trouble you for
some refreshment?
It's David Copperfield!
Here y'are,
chuck him a bag of crisps.
Oh, prodigal son of Lindy's,
here, catch!
POP!
This is a funny little house -
with funny little chairs
and a funny little sofa!
I'll give you a funny little slap
in a minute!
- Cor, he loves his crisps!
- Wonder where he gets that from!
I used to wish I'd been adopted.
Most children do, don't they?
I'd attack my mother with a potato
peeler, dressed in her leisurewear
and Dr Scholl's, screaming,
"You witch, Sheila Farrell!
"Hard to think that someone
like me could have sprung
from your dried-up womb!"
Well, everyone says that
to their mothers, don't they?
Please, Mummy Linda,
can I have some more crisps?
He throws like a girl!
I know! He's a right show-up,
isn't he?
'Scuse me, I have won medals
for my wrist action!
You don't get far in the trombone
section of the Boys' Brigade
without some sort of payoff!
- Sorry! - Call me Daddy!
- Is he your husband?
- It's a long story. - All right, Daddy.
(When did this happen?)
I dunno. I was about 15, I think.
- 'Ere, mate, how old are you? - 28.
LIAR!
That's biologically impossible!
He's older than I am!
But you ARE my mummy! You are!
Awww, shall we venture forth
and giveth unto him counsel?
- Oh, go on, then, I'm not busy.
- All right.
- All right, son? - I've been better.
Lindy, give him some succour.
Come to Mummy, ickle boy! Aww!
- Kid, do you wanna go out and shoot
some crap? - No, I don't like sport.
Gosh, and yet you have
a strangely athletic physique.
- Is that muscle? - Get your 'ands
off him, Daddy! - I'm only
making him feel better, Mummy!
- You wanna watch Daddy -
he's one of them homos! - So? - Oh!
- You don't mind having a gay dad?
- It's modern. - Yeah, it's great!
- All right, easy, mate!
- All right, all right!
So, Linda why did you decide
to give this charming boy away?
Innit obvious?
She's poor white trash!
Aww, thanks!
Why did you decide
to search out this sad old slapper
with the manners of a dray horse?
- I wanted to fit the final piece
into my jigsaw. - What, you can do
jigsaws?! God, that's brilliant!
So do you have anything to ask
your new mama and papa?
I, for my part, have no aversion
to being probed.
So where's your swimming pool?
Urghhh! Is your swimming pool
outdoors? Ugh! How common!
- Were you brought up in a house
with a swimming pool? - Yeah.
So? - Cor, you must be loaded!
- Anything else you'd like to know?
- Where does my name come from?
Oh, well, you is named after
a person in a book. Literature.
What's your name? Let me guess!
I'm good at guessing games!
Um Heathcliff! No, Darcy!
It was more of a TV programme.
It was very good. I watched it
quite a lot when I was preggers.
Well, what's your name?
Zippy.
You called a baby Zippy? Are you
completely out of your mind?!
- Oh, shut up! You still got
that bump on your head? - Yeah.
Aw, that's where I dropped you!
- You're weird! - Yeah, well,
at least I ain't adopted!
Linda La Hughes!
- I mean your clobber. You're not
like a real mummy, are you?
- Well, darling, I am spunky!
- Are you pleased to see me? - Course
I'm pleased to see you, Zippy!
It's just a bit of a shock, really.
I haven't been this shocked since
Well, since I gave birth to you.
I thought you were wind.
Very nearly called you Fart.
On my birth certificate, it says my
father's name was Owen Nice-stand.
- I don't know anyone called Owen
- Owen Nice-stand.
Oh!
No, that says "one-night stand"!
Your daddy was a one-night stand.
I weren't very good at spelling
in them days.
There speaks the lady
who put the dick in dictionary!
- You don't know his name?
- I know very little about him.
Except we met at a party
and he was dressed as a pillar box.
Was it a fancy-dress party, Mummy?
This is the worrying thing, Daddy.
No.
You must remember something about
him, apart from his dress sense.
I don't know if this is gonna come
as a bit of a shock to you, Zippy,
but, if I remember rightly,
your daddy was black.
Are you taking the piss?!
- It's true! I'm not messing! - Do you
think I could be part of your life?
- Well, I dunno. Do you think
I could be part of yours? - Maybe.
There might have to be a few
changes. Fancy going shopping?
Sorry, mate,
I'm Larry Flint - skint.
Funny, I had you down as
a bit of a Helen Hunt.
May I remind you that I am loaded?
- Great! What are we waiting for,
big boy?! - I'll grab my poncho!
- Oh, and another thing.
The homo stays here. - Bye!
I can't believe Linda's got a kid.
No a body that shape's
got to have given birth.
Gosh, I just find it all so
so unexpected.
- Know what I mean? It's like
that old TV show. - Bagpuss?
- No, no. - The Onedin Line? - No.
No, no. It was
Each week they had a tale
and they were just, like,
unexpected.
Oh, God, what was it called?!
- Do you know if it's a boy or girl?
- Definitely a boy. He's quite sexy,
considering his gene pool!
- I meant HERS. - No. Do you know
how to work it out?
The boy's got a little thing
sticking out
- I feel like that fucking tranny
from Coronation Street! - Mum!
Ladies don't swear!
- Ladies don't sweat neither, but
I'm sweating like a glass-blower's
ARSE under all this acrylic! - Mum!
You know, you DO look like
a tranny, actually.
A really bad tranny.
At one of those dreary gay clubs
in Driffield.
It's a Monday night,
Human League's on the jukebox,
couple of rent boys in the corner.
Then YOU, Brian
..stood there in your wife's
clothes
rolling your own!
Oh, shut up! It's not funny!
I look about 90!
I think you look lovely!
I think you look quite sexy!
- Ughhhhhh! - Mark you, I went out with
a tranny called Brian for 16 years.
- What YOU looking at?! - Tom, tell me
I won't end up looking like that!
I'm so glad you're part of my life.
- What's your favourite TV programme?
Don't tell me! Inspector Morse! - No!
I like Ant and Dec! Ooh, the dreams
I've had about them cheeky chappies.
What they could do with my Wonky
Donkey, do you know what I mean?
You know Ant and Dec? Is that cos
you watch it with your grandkids?
Listen 'ere, mush!
Just remember, I was practically
a foetus when I had you, right?!
And she still thinks that Bob the
Builder's on a par intellectually
with Newsnight!
- You reckon it ain't? - What's
for tea? - Have a cigarette!
A real mummy would
make me bangers and mash, toad in
the hole, you know what I mean?!
You're such a bloody
disappointment!
Tell me off for swearing, then!
- Tom, can I talk to you
in the bedroom? - All right.
Oh, get outta my way, bitch!
Can I just say that you look
absolutely revolting!
I should be a glam mum
like Scary Spice.
- With tits up here, arse out there.
Max Beesley giving me a lick. - Ugh!
- I mean, this is not me!
- So what are you going to do?!
Well, get rid of him!
He's cramping my style, guy!
I've got an idea! I did
this musical called Oedipus Rex!
It's all about this guy called
Oedipus. He gouged out his own
eyes with a knitting needle!
I ain't doing that!
They're my best feature! Well,
those and my purdy white baps!
And why did he do it?
He did it because
Oh, God, I was only
in the second act -
playing Oedipus's best friend
Billy McNulty.
Oh! Oedipus gouged out his own eyes
because he was totally traumatised
- because his mother came on to him!
- THUNDERCLAP
Thomas, are you suggesting
what I think you're suggesting?
And prithee, damsel,
what might that be?
That I come on to my own son
just to give him the elbow!
Sorry to interrupt. That blonde
bird - her water's have broke!
- Do something! She's your mate!
- I shall go and build a bridge
over her breaking waters
and leave you
with your delightful son Zippy!
Bon courage, mon petite!
And bon appetit!
- Can't you wipe them up?!
- They're my waters!
Don't you know what this means?
Yes, my shagpile's getting ruined!
- I am having the baby!
- I'll phone for an ambulance!
- No! I'm having a home birth!
- Not in here you're bloody not!
Go downstairs! - I can't!
Phone Jez. Give me the phone!
- I can't remember the number!
- I'll call an ambulance!
- Don't you dare, you bastard!
I've never heard you swear
before, Suze!
It's coming, Tom! It's coming!
Feel between my legs!
- Have you got a washing-up bowl
or something? - Now isn't the time
to be doing my octopus routine!
Sorry?!
Oh, if you insist, I will!
Oh, Zippy, I could talk to you
till the cows come home!
That's what Daddy used to say
when I got in of a night -
"Oh, look, the cow's come home."
Is Grandad still alive?
Yes, but sadly all
his faculties ain't - he often
mistakes me for Kylie Minogue.
It's a common error.
- What's his name? - Daddy.
Suze is having contractions - tears
streaming down her face and there's
a head appearing between her legs!
- That's weird, guy!
- It's really beautiful! BERYL!
SULTRY JAZZ MUSIC
Are you a fan of scat?
I know how you men hate electric
when you're in the mood for love!
- What are you doing?!
- Ohhh, hot in here, innit?
What don't you lose a layer?
Mmm, those slacks feel tight!
- Why not unzip your zip Zip?
- ZIP UNZIPPING
- Come on, push, push!
- Try and smile, Suze!
Something's snagging!
Beryl, you couldn't just grab
my watch, could you?
Ooh, it's got diamonds
all over its face!
- Has it?! - No, the watch has!
- Is it coming?
- Oh, I can see the head!
- AHHHHHH! - You're very good at this,
Tom. Did you train as a doctor?
I sluiced out the abortion suite on
"Where The Heart Is" so as good as!
- AHHHH! - I'm gonna send this in
to You've Been Framed!
Try and do something wrong, Suze.
Fall off the couch maybe.
- AHHHHHHHH!
- He's coming, he's coming!
It's a little boy!
It's a beautiful little boy!
Drop him!
I'll get 250 quid!
- I wish Jez was here! - Oh, why?
You're all freaks, the lot of yous!
Monsters! Cruel, warped demons!
I'm out of here!
You had to let him go.
I mean, he may have been rich,
but he made you feel ugly!
Aw! Have you thought of
any names for him yet?
You know sometimes people name
their babies after where they were
conceived? Like Brooklyn Beckham.
- Yes, yes! - We're going to call him
Lee On Solent. Lee for short!
Lee? Little Lee! Little Lee!
That's your name, poppet!
Yes, it is! Yes, it is!
Look at you! You're so perfect!
Ten tiny little fingers!
Nine tiny little
Ten No, I was right!
Nine little toes!
Oh, you're so quirky! Yes, you are!
I could hold this child for ever
Get this vile little thing
away from me!
Brat!
- Do you ever want kids? - Parents
can be such an embarrassment.
My mother used to have
a cerise Honda Express!
The queen of mopeds!
Dressed in a cerise jerkin, cerise
ski pants and cerise moon boots.
The kids in our school
had a field day.
- Sorry, are you shattered? - No, bored.
A simple yes or no would have done.
If I adopted a child, it would
have the piss taken out of it.
I don't wanna be
my child's Honda Express!
- You could have one with Linda.
- She doesn't drive
and I don't suit the helmet.
I meant a baby!
Yeah, right(!)
What are you doing?
Just sat here scratching my trunk.
What are you watching?
- Only got one eye on it.
- What's the other eye on?
My Di shrine.
I take it our little scheme
worked, then?
- You look a bit down. You wanna play
a game to cheer yourself up? - What?
Changing Rooms! You be Carol Smillie
and I'll be a distraught neighbour.
- Great! She's Dutch, isn't she?
I'll find my clogs! - No, no!
No, she's Irish. Comes from
just outside Auchtermuchty.
In your own time.
Keep 'em closed! Keep 'em closed!
Open your eyes!
What 'ave you done to my lounge-
diner! I said no turquoise!
- You're brilliant at that!
- I know! Now we can do Big Brother!
I'll be the Irish trolley dolly!
- You can be the Welsh girl
with big hair. - Great!
OK, and go!
- What now, what now?
- We'll do Coronation Street!
- I'll be Deirdre Rashid and you can
be a non-speaking extra. - OK. - OK.
15 change. Thanks very much, luv.
Don't speak, just go!
- Do you feel better now? - Oh, yes!
- BABY CRIES
How long's that gonna go on for?!
- Would you like any more kids? - What
you asking me for? - Just being deep.
- I've no maternal highlight.
- I always thought I didn't.
But holding baby Lee in my arms
brought a few things home to me.
Who'll take care of me when I get
old? No-one popping by to mop up my
wet patch or shave my nostril hair.
No-one to slip a farthing to.
If I got a lady pregnant,
I wouldn't expect her to do
anything. I'd do the work.
I wouldn't expect the lady
to do anything except give birth.
Tom are you saying
what I think you're saying?
- Possibly. - That you wanna have
an ickle baby?
- Possibly. - With me? - Yes, Lindy!
Oh, well, I'm flattered!
But I'll have to think about it!
I am, after all, a lady!
Sleep on it. We'll talk again
in the morning.
No! I've thunk enough!
What are you waiting for?
Let's make babies!
- Throw your legs in the air! Do you
have to slip off your combats? - No,
they have Velcro round the crutch!
- I'll just go and fill up
my turkey-baster, all right? - Eh?
- Can I borrow this? - What for?
- You don't seriously expect me
to shag you, do you?! - Eh?!
Lie still. I'll be seconds.
- Tom, can I have a word with you
for one moment? - Yes, mother
of my future childrenettes!
You've got an headache!
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
Chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
A man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
To the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪