Grounded For Life (2001) s03e03 Episode Script

So, Svetlana, do you, uh Have any bartending experience? Oh, yes.
Really? Where? Vere? Uh, in a place like this? Yes! Uh, ok, Svetlana, do you even speak a word of English? Yes.
Svetlana, in your country, do fish talk? Yes! Ok.
How is she supposed to answer a question like that? By saying no.
Well, thank you.
You can go now.
Ok.
Hello.
Uh, well, I don't know about you but I think she nailed it.
Aw, come on, ed.
This isn't a dating service, man, it's a business.
Hey, I'm the one who found Reggie.
Oh, yeah, Reggie's really working out.
A gratuity is customary! Let go of my hand! I gave you extra olives, man! I was drinking a beer! Hey, hey Reggie, come on.
Let go of the customer.
Excuse me, in his defense, we never told him not to.
Ed, look, man, we're at a critical phase of this place, all right? We have a really good thing going here.
We got the frosty mugs, the killer video games.
Tomorrow we're getting satellite TV.
We just have to be really careful about who we hire.
Hey, is this the place hiring the new bartender? Oh, we already have a fantastic bartender.
Excuse me, can I help you, please? Wow Nicole? Nicole fiordelissi? Mm-hmm.
We went to high school together.
Sean finnerty? Yeah! Yeah! With the beige volare with the roof cut off? Yeah.
The convertible! Hey, how are ya? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's so good to see you.
So good to see you.
Wow Yeah So, um Are you hiring a new bartender? Uh, yeah.
Can you start tomorrow? Sure.
All right! Aren't you gonna ask her if she has any experience? Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have any experience? Yes.
That's impressive.
That's impressive.
See, this is an improvement, right? Yeah.
You sure Claudia's gonna see it that way? Yeah, come on.
Look at the business we're doin'.
I'm talking about Nicole.
Yeah, she'll be cool.
Hey Rookie Hey, boss man.
How am I doin'? I'd say you're on the short list for employee of the month.
Really? What can I do to make that list shorter? Oh, just keep doin' what you're doin'.
Heh heh heh.
The list is just a popularity contest.
Here you go We only ordered 2.
I know.
Ahh! Man, owning a bar is so extreme! Yes, it's very, very extreme.
I'm gonna go find your daddy.
Ha ha.
Hey, hey, where are you? Right here.
Shh! Call me back, ok? Ok.
I'm not talking to you.
Yes, you are.
Let's hook up later, ok? Whatever.
I'm not talking to you! Man, her new phone is so extreme.
Oh, hey, baby.
Oh, hey.
Have we got a crowd or what, hmm? Oh, my god, yes.
Not bad, huh? Kids, guess what else we got? Dig-dug.
Dig-dug? Yeah, it's a video game.
Is it extreme? Because I don't waste my time on things that aren't extreme.
It's so extreme it almost killed Tony hawk.
Bring it on! Let's go! Call me back when you get this, ok? Ok.
Lily Honey, what's going on? I've gotta talk to Dean.
This is killing me.
Ok, what happened? Well, last night Dean and I went to that Nelly concert.
I can't believe what I did.
It was so stupid.
I love you! I-li-oooh! And I have no idea what he said back.
Maybe he didn't hear me.
That would be the best.
Well, I I think that But what if he did hear me? Oh, my god, he could've said that he hated me.
No, he would never What if he said that he loved me? Oh, my god, I may have missed the most romantic moment of my entire life! Oh, come on, sweetie I knew you weren't gonna take this seriously.
Why do I even tell you these things?! Oh, pardon me.
Oh, sorry.
Hey.
Hey.
That bartender, do I know her? Nicole? Ni Nicole fiordelissi? Yeah, yeah.
Hey, do you remember her from high school? Yes, I remember her from high school.
Oh, cool.
Then you two will have a good time catching up.
Don't be cute! You know full well what went on between us during high school.
Come on, open your mouth, Sean.
No.
You said it was gross.
No, I didn't.
You just spit it out.
Yeah, but now I think it's really good.
No.
Uh-uh! Open your mouth.
I'll bite your fingers.
No, you won't.
Open it.
Open it Aah! Hi.
What are you doing? Fiordelissi.
Bustamante.
Wow, your hair looks really good.
Really? Thanks.
Yeah, it usually just sort of sits there.
Uh-huh.
So, how do you get yours, you know, all ratted up? Um, you start by washing it.
You know, you don't really need big hair when your head's not the size of a walnut.
Hey, did you guys see solid gold last night? It was really cool.
Oh, did I do that? Heh heh heh heh.
That's ok, you know.
That sort of thing can happen to anyone.
Oh! Napkin? Aah! Oops! Aah! Sean: Come on.
Girls, stop! Stop! What? I barely remember that.
Oh, my god.
How could I have missed this? This bar is high school.
Ok, what are you talking about? It's an excuse for you and Eddie to get everything you could never have gotten in high school.
You have your kegs flowing, you got your unlimited dig-dug video games, and now you got your little freshman slut Nicole fiordelissi! Congratulations, Sean.
Perhaps you'll make a very fine couple at homecoming.
Uncle Eddie, did you ever have something happen to you, and you weren't quite sure what it was? I'm familiar with that sensation.
See, Dean and I went to this concert, and I told him that I loved him, but I couldn't hear what he said back.
So, uh, do you know if they were making an album out of the show? Why? Depending on the kind of filters that they used, you could pick out what he said on the tape.
I'm serious.
If you listen to twisted sister live at beggar's opera, you can hear me screaming, "Dee snyder, you suck!" Why would you go to a concert to tell someone they suck? I went in the hopes that they wouldn't.
Come on, Eddie! I have to know what he said.
M-maybe he did say I love you, too! But it didn't sound like that.
God, it could have been anything.
I've had a few.
Yeah, I wear 2 shoes! I'm using you! You missed a few obvious ones.
I love blue's clues! I'm Lucy liu! That's insane.
Exactly.
So quit obsessing about it.
Do you realize this is no help? Or is it all the help you need? Come on, baby, you're overreacting.
Oh, just admit it.
You're getting some cheap little thrill from having your high school fantasy prancing around your bar at your Beck and call.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, yeah, you found me out.
That's right, you've uncovered the diabolical plot that I've been hatching for 17 years to get Nicole fiordelissi all to myself.
That's right.
At first, I would marry you and have 3 children to throw the suspicion off.
That's right.
And then I would open up a bar and I would fix it up, and I'd put an ad in the paper for a bartender, knowing full well that Nicole fiordelissi was looking for a job at that exact moment! And then I would lure her in here with benefits and insurance and free pretzels to have her all to myself! But no! I was foiled by you and your pesky dog Scooby doo! I am not crazy.
I have known a lot of Nicole fiordelissis in my life, and the worst one of them all is Nicole fiordelissi! Oh, excuse me.
Sorry.
Claudia? Ni-Cole Uh Fiordelissi? Claudia bustamante.
Well, look at you.
You look so good.
I hate you.
You look fantastic.
I hate you.
I hate you more.
Not possible.
It's so good to see you.
Yeah, well.
It's been years, huh? Yeah.
It's so weird.
It's like being back in high school.
Hey, remember that Sean finnerty guy? Yeah.
He owns this place.
Yeah, I know.
God, he has changed so much.
He has a bunch of kids, married to some cow.
Yeah, I heard that.
So, are you guys catching up? Huh? Yes, we are.
Moo.
Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.
You look fantastic.
She does, doesn't she? Go away.
So, Nicole, um Are you married? Hardly.
God.
Wow, that must be great.
All that freedom? I'm having a good time.
I bet you are.
And working in a bar You'll meet a lot of guys.
Oh, I admit, it does present some opportunities.
And you were never one to pass up opportunities For sex With a man.
Any man.
Excuse me? What? What did you just say? I honestly don't remember.
But I certainly did not call you a whore.
What?! No, no, no.
I said I didn't call you a whore.
You, Nicole fiordelissi, in my opinion, are not a whore.
Not at all a whore.
Wait.
Hold on.
It seems to me that you were, in fact, calling me a whore.
No, no.
Not at all.
Whore.
Oh Oh, I am now.
Aah! Aah! Oh! I'm gonna kill you! Ed! We're gonna have to get rid of Nicole.
I don't know, man.
This could be a real draw.
Good morning.
Claudia: Good morning.
Guess where I slept last night.
The couch.
You did? Yeah.
Why's that? Oh, well, funny thing.
When I closed up the bar and came home to go to sleep and I went upstairs, our bedroom door was locked.
Oh, I'm sorry.
See, I did that because if you'd come in, I would have bludgeoned you in your sleep.
No, no, no, you wouldn't, because if you'd let me in, I would have told you what I did, which is I got rid of Nicole.
What?! Yeah.
Hiring her was a completely irresponsible, juvenile thing, and I'm sorry, ok? So last night I told Eddie, you know, do it, and he told her to hit the bricks.
That is such a relief.
I know.
Thank you.
Ok, I'm gonna go get the paper.
I'm gonna go get the sports page and see if you're in it.
Ooh! Tko, round 2! Oh! Hey, ed.
Hey.
Did you bring in my paper? Yeah.
Just the, uh, classifieds.
I'm looking for a bowflex.
The rest is outside.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, by the way, how'd it go last night giving Nicole the bad news? Surprisingly well.
All right.
Well, thanks for doing it, man.
Just a little heads-up.
When you get to the bar, you might notice that Nicole's still working there.
What?! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You didn't fire her? I had every intention.
The reason I asked you back here is to Conduct a performance review.
Performance review? Yeah, that's right.
But I haven't really had a chance to perform yet.
I know.
I know, but that's the way they do it in Singapore.
You know, one day on the job, review the employee If thing's aren't going the way they ought to be going, then that's it.
Eddie Are you trying to tell me that you want to do it? Ok.
Mmm You slept with her? No.
Just sex.
Oh, god! Now, why Why didn't you just fire her?! Before or after? Instead of! Sean: Yeah? Hey, Mr.
finnerty.
So, uh It appears a raccoon got to your newspaper.
So, what's up? Dean Do you remember the Nelly show? Yeah.
Ok.
So, um I said something to you.
Did you hear me? Yeah.
You said I said something to you.
No, during the show.
I said something kind of important.
Something I've never had the nerve to say before.
"Buy me the $40.
00 t-shirt.
" No No, no, baby, look I am so sorry, all right? I was gonna do it, but I knew that guy we saw in the parking lot I said, "I love you"! Oh, yeah? Yes.
No, I didn't hear that.
Oh, you didn't.
Ha.
Well, that explains that.
'Cause, you know, I wasn't sure if you heard, and I was, like, you know, "did he hear?" And Whatever.
Hey, Dean, you wanna go play dig-dug? You guys got dig-dug? I love dig-dug.
I love dig-dug! Oh, god, Eddie, on my desk?! We were on the blotter.
I flipped it back to August.
Oh, Eddie So, uh How'd Nicole take it? She took it really well.
That's so, so great.
Thanks, man.
I i can't I can't believe you, man! I'm sorry.
Look, if you're so sorry, why do you have that That grin on your face?! It's a defense mechanism.
I'm actually I'm actually quite sorry.
Oh, god, Eddie, we're brothers, man! How could you do this to me?! Wait Are you mad at me because I didn't fire her or because I slept with her? Aw, come on.
What do you think? I think you're mad because I slept with her.
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, out.
No big thing.
I just gotta go take care of some business at the bar.
Hey, ed.
I wish I could have been watching you when you let her have it.
Well Me, too.
Henry: That's extreme with two "xs" and no "e"! Dean, look at me! Just 5 seconds, all right? He's on his last guy.
Just Ok, I'll wait till he's done.
Aah! Are you insane?! Dean, come with me! All the high scores are erased.
It's like we were just wasting our time! So, I guess you're upset about something.
When I told you I loved you, you didn't say anything back.
Look, I'm sorry, lil, all right? Me, too.
You, too? Yeah.
Totally.
You didn't say it.
You said, "me, too".
So? That could mean that you love yourself.
Oh, come on, lil.
Like I'm really gonna say that I love myself? Well, then why can't you just tell me that you love me?! Fine.
Then do it! I love you, ok? No, I don't want you to tell me you love me just because I'm yelling at you.
Well, then, stop yelling at me.
I'm not gonna stop yelling at you until you tell me that you love me in a loving way! I love you, Lily, ok? Trust me, if I didn't, I'd throw myself under the wheels of a moving train to get away from your horrible, paranoid screeching.
See, that wasn't so hard.
So, you're probably wondering why oh, god! Oh, uh Ok, uh, you're probably wondering why I Why I asked you down here.
Not really.
Good.
We can get right to business.
Oh, you're not gonna give me a performance review first? I guess I could, but I don't really Oh-ho You guys are too much.
Like, your brother tells you about last night, and you think, "hey, I want a turn.
" I'm not a merry-go-round.
Oh, no, no, no.
Whoa.
Whoa.
No, that's not what I'm talking about at all.
Uh-huh.
No.
Listen, I'm here to fire you.
Oh, 'cause I'm not puttin' out? No.
No.
'Cause I'm the boss, and I have to make the tough decisions.
And, you know, I know we go way back, but you and Claudia, it's just not working out, and you gotta go.
This is completely unfair.
Well, look, I'm really sorry you feel that way.
They're Eddie's.
Eddie: Sean What were you doing in there? I was doing what you were supposed to be doing last night.
I fired Nicole.
Sean, she she slept with her employer.
Yeah, I know.
So, she could sue the bar.
She could claim that the only reason we hired her was so that I could have sex with her.
Especially seeing as we did it on her first day of work.
Oh, god, well You don't know she'd sue us.
Yes, I do.
We talked about it right afterward last night.
Get outta here.
We, you know we were, like, joking about it.
It was all joking and cute and everything, but then she got, like, dead serious Like, an earnest look on her face, and said, like, "I'm serious.
I'm really serious.
" And she said it, like, 5 times.
But then we got into it again, and then I fell asleep.
Oh, god! God! God! All right, well, maybe she forgot about it.
No, no.
Her pet name for me is "defendant.
" You gotta hire her back.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Claude, hey.
What are you doing here? Well, I figured, you know, you'd need someone to take over Nicole's shift, and I would be happy to do it.
Hey, Nicole.
Don't be a stranger.
Oh, god, Nicole, don't go.
Please! Just one second.
Why? As far as I'm concerned, I've just been fired without warning, for no legitimate reason.
Ok, just Please, just give me one minute, ok? What are you doing? Baby, we gotta hire her back.
What?! Eddie just fired her.
Oh, no, see, last night he was supposed to fire her, but he got confused and he had sex with her instead.
No.
Yeah.
I know.
See, I came down here.
I did what I was supposed to do.
I gave her the boot.
But then it turns out, like Eddie says, she'd be more than happy to sue the pants off of us.
Well, she should.
I know.
I agree.
That's why we have no choice.
We have to hire her back.
I can't believe this.
I know it's awkward, but if it's any consolation, you know, after Eddie slept with her, I look at her in a Oh, I can't even look at her because, eww, yecch.
You know? Just just Really? Yeah.
She's like a man to me now.
So, she's, like, damaged goods.
Yeah.
She's like a pork chop that falls off a truck and is laying around, and this mangy dog comes up and chews on it.
Heh heh heh heh.
And then a rat comes and drags it through the gutter and covers it with filth and disease.
And then Eddie had sex with it.
That's that's a bit much.
All right, give the pork chop its job back.
Ok.
Nicole Listen, uh I think firing you might have been A mistake.
It was? Yeah.
I mean, you're a terrific bartender, and we'd really to have you back working for us.
Well, I'm happy that you've changed your mind.
Ok, you're gonna have to conduct yourself professionally and treat my wife with respect.
And that includes not throwing punches at her.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok? Good.
Ok, good.
But you changed your mind so fast.
Well, sometimes hasty decisions don't make for Eddie Yeah? You fought for me, didn't you? What's right is right.
Oh You are not gonna regret this, Eddie.
Regrets I've had a few.
It's amazing.
Once again Eddie's rewarded for his cowardice and immorality.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you know, I feel sorry for him 'cause he's never gonna, you know Know the love of a woman who loves him with her whole heart.
You're just trying to get me to leave the door unlocked tonight, aren't you? I was hoping.
Yeah.
Nicole, I'd like another Pinot noir, please.
Coming right up, Mrs.
finnerty.
Hey, where's that red boot pub smile? Oh, there it is.
Ha ha ha.
Good girl.
So hard to find good help these days.
Uh-huh.
You drink it.
Oh, that's ok.
I'm working.
No, no, no.
You're working very hard.
Please, I insist.
You you drink it.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Thanks.
That is so good.
That's coming out of your paycheck.