Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s03e03 Episode Script
X Gets The Crest
1 All right, who's in? Don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know.
Don't know, don't know, don't know.
Can't read that guy.
My poker face.
Hello, Western Union? Are you in? Huh? Ooh.
Oh, no, l'm out of chips! Maybe there's something else of value you could bet.
What? Like the crest on Birdman's helmet! Wow, l have--Hold on.
A full house! l'll take the bet! Lovely crest! Let's see some naked ladies.
Five aces.
ls it my turn? Full house! Fantabulous poker hand, Harvey.
Unfortunately, we're playing gin.
Hoody, what do you got? Hmmfour kings.
l win! l win! l win, l win, l win! Hey, Mr.
Passer-by! Crest on Birdman's helmet! l won! l lost the crest! Oh, my crest! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Peanuts, can you grab that there? Why so mopey, dopey? l'm a loser, Phil.
l lost everything, even my crest.
l lost, too, Birdman.
The hippo won my eyepatch but you don't see me crying.
Well, there is some kind of moisture there.
Hello, everyone, my powers come from my crest! Birdman, come here! You can't just sit there and take it, Birdman! You've got to go out there and get that crest back! Oh, you're right! l'm going to call X right now! - Hello.
- Hi, X? This is Harv-- - Hello.
- X, it's Harv-- Surprisies! lt's not me! lt's my answering machine! An answering machine? Why does he need an answering machine? - He never goes anywhere! - At the tone, leave a message.
Or, if you're Birdman, leave your crest! X, this is Harvey.
l need you to call me back if you can.
lt's Harvey.
Harvey Birdman.
Ricochet Rabbit.
Bing, bing, bing! How can l help you? l'm the sheriff of Hoopen Holler.
ln the normal course of bing, bing, bing apprehending some varmint types, a few things got broken.
Now the town wants to take my badge away.
''Did damage or destroy one telegraph pole ''one stagecoach, one saloon ''two horses, and aSlim Pickens''? lt's a Western town.
l'lltake the case! Great! See you in court! Look out! And now, to finish my task by delivering the crest to those that 30 years ago charged me with obtaining it.
Whoop, here we go.
No, no, no.
After you, young lady.
lt is lX, the Eliminator! Behold the symbol of the mighty the awaited crest of Birdman's helmet! l'm sorry, l think you may have the wrong house.
This is not the Headquarters of F.
E.
A.
R.
? F.
E.
A.
R.
? Fighting What was it, fighting, uh Oh, no, they sold to us, what, 1 2 years ago? Damn it! What good is having Birdman's crest if l can't find F.
E.
A.
R.
? Ooh, l'll show Zardo! l got the crest on Birdman's helmet! OhmyGod! - The crest, the crest, the crest! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Yes! - Yes! - Oh.
One more-- - OK, let's just-- - Don't look at my-- - All right.
- Here we go.
- Up high.
- Yes! - Yes! Yeah, l'm going to-- Hey, did you take it to F.
E.
A.
R.
? They're not there! l guess they got tired of waiting around.
Hey, why don't you put it on? Great idea! Well? Are you sure you don't have some double-stick tape? How do l look? You look very powerful.
You look like a winner.
You look very important, dynamic, and very unstoppable.
And also, you look very powerful.
You are right! lf l could get the crest, then l can do anything! Because l'm a winner! Oh, l can't believe it! This is the fifth day he hasn't been there.
He doesn't answer, he doesn't return my calls.
lt's like l don't exist! Well, you'll all be glad to know that l got a replacement.
Yup, transparent, like those invisible braces.
You can't even tell l'm wearing it.
You know, it cost a little more, but it's worth it.
Speaking of which, Birdman take stock in how you look, man.
Try the Crest Club for Men.
Hoopen Holler.
When my client came to this lawless town did the citizens mind his ricocheting ways? Did they criticize his speedy bounce while he tracked down dangerous criminals like Annie Hoaxley or Sheepy Wolf? No! But now, now that the town of Hoopen Holler-- is safe, they reward the man who caught those criminals by accusing he himself of crimes.
l'm sorry, can you say that again? l was distracted by the the hairness thingy.
Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took-- Don't you move from that chair! --an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public-- Your legs! Stop moving your legs! --safety.
But in the end, he caused more property damage more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was-- You see, this is just the sort of dangerous and reckless behavior of which l speak.
Look out! Huh? What-- What's happening to me? The crest! lt has a mind of its own! Crest, what are you doing? Where are we going? Excuse me, Crest, you may want to open the door first.
Look out! Oh, l'm down! l'm sorry, the crest made me do it! lts power for good is overpowering my own inherent desire to evil-do the evil-do that l do do.
Please stand for the verdict.
Thank you.
The court finds the rabbit has ADD, ADHD, and OPP.
Cut down on sugary snacks, limit his TV viewing time and, oh, yeah, here's a prescription for some rabbit Ritalin.
l can't believe l lost.
lt was a lay-up! l never would have lost if l'd just had the crest! Um, what's that? That? Oh, nothing.
That's not a death console, is it? A death console with which to destroy one's enemy which, in your particular case, happens to be l don't know--X?! Don't be ridiculous.
l'm Harvey Birdman! l don't destroy people, l he-- Well, l don't destroy people.
You know, l'm betting this puppy could only generate enough power to stun somebody.
Sting them on the old dooder.
And if someone were stunned, even momentarily that might be enough time to recover my-- - Crest? - Yes! Birdman's crest on X's helmet! Well, that was a little creepy.
Look out! Where is he?! Why won't he return my calls? Doesn't he know l'm trying to kill him?! l mean, stun.
What's this? ''Hooded Hero''? ''Crest Crime Stopper''? l fought crime for years and never got any press! That does it! l'm getting my life back! He's gone from zero to hero from X, the Eliminator to X, the Ex-Villain.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
X, how did you change your life around? l don't know.
l guess it's the crest, you know.
lt made me realize, for the first time l'm a winner.
Getting the crest was your life goal.
What's next for X, the Eliminator? ll hadn't thought of that.
You know, l've only ever wanted the crest.
And now that l have it it's like l have nono purpose.
- l'm sorry.
- We'll be right back.
321.
- Your Honor! - Yes, l know.
Mindtaking.
- No, you don't know! - Ooh, who's so feisty? Your Honor, my client was just being a rabbit a normal ricocheting rabbit.
He's not supposed to sit still.
These medicines are rotting-- Oh, don't get in such a huff.
They're harmless.
Then l challenge you to take the very medicines you prescribed, Your Honor.
Oh, you do, do you? The evil that l do do.
Whoo! Oh ho, wow! You're right! Ohh Overturned.
l mean, no, no, guilty! Oh, correction.
Overruled! Pretty, pretty ponies.
l won! l won! l beat the Mindtaker! Look out! Well, it turns out l don't need the crest after all.
And everything's back to normal.
Well, almost everything.
- What is it? - lt's Harvey.
Harvey Birdman.
So what? l already got your super great, powerful, life-changing crest.
Well, you may have gotten a crest but not the good one.
What? Oh, yeah, there's a better crest.
- One that lights up.
- What?! Tell you what, you give me back that one and l'll give you the better one.
Hmm? l'll be right over.
Light-up crest on Birdman's hel Look out! met! Give me the old one first.
Come on, come on, come on! - Here you go.
- Yes! Light-up crest! Actually, it's a total fake.
Tricked ya! What?! How dare you, Birdman?! l swear l will get the crest back if it takes me yea-- Oh, l get it.
There.
Now everything's back to normal.
That lighting guy didn't do me any favors.
l think you look very good.
l do.
l wonder if this was my 15-- No, no, no.
Look, you are on tele-- Look at you.
You're fantastic on television.
You should be on televisions.
lt's occurred to me.
Don't know, don't know, don't know.
Can't read that guy.
My poker face.
Hello, Western Union? Are you in? Huh? Ooh.
Oh, no, l'm out of chips! Maybe there's something else of value you could bet.
What? Like the crest on Birdman's helmet! Wow, l have--Hold on.
A full house! l'll take the bet! Lovely crest! Let's see some naked ladies.
Five aces.
ls it my turn? Full house! Fantabulous poker hand, Harvey.
Unfortunately, we're playing gin.
Hoody, what do you got? Hmmfour kings.
l win! l win! l win, l win, l win! Hey, Mr.
Passer-by! Crest on Birdman's helmet! l won! l lost the crest! Oh, my crest! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Peanuts, can you grab that there? Why so mopey, dopey? l'm a loser, Phil.
l lost everything, even my crest.
l lost, too, Birdman.
The hippo won my eyepatch but you don't see me crying.
Well, there is some kind of moisture there.
Hello, everyone, my powers come from my crest! Birdman, come here! You can't just sit there and take it, Birdman! You've got to go out there and get that crest back! Oh, you're right! l'm going to call X right now! - Hello.
- Hi, X? This is Harv-- - Hello.
- X, it's Harv-- Surprisies! lt's not me! lt's my answering machine! An answering machine? Why does he need an answering machine? - He never goes anywhere! - At the tone, leave a message.
Or, if you're Birdman, leave your crest! X, this is Harvey.
l need you to call me back if you can.
lt's Harvey.
Harvey Birdman.
Ricochet Rabbit.
Bing, bing, bing! How can l help you? l'm the sheriff of Hoopen Holler.
ln the normal course of bing, bing, bing apprehending some varmint types, a few things got broken.
Now the town wants to take my badge away.
''Did damage or destroy one telegraph pole ''one stagecoach, one saloon ''two horses, and aSlim Pickens''? lt's a Western town.
l'lltake the case! Great! See you in court! Look out! And now, to finish my task by delivering the crest to those that 30 years ago charged me with obtaining it.
Whoop, here we go.
No, no, no.
After you, young lady.
lt is lX, the Eliminator! Behold the symbol of the mighty the awaited crest of Birdman's helmet! l'm sorry, l think you may have the wrong house.
This is not the Headquarters of F.
E.
A.
R.
? F.
E.
A.
R.
? Fighting What was it, fighting, uh Oh, no, they sold to us, what, 1 2 years ago? Damn it! What good is having Birdman's crest if l can't find F.
E.
A.
R.
? Ooh, l'll show Zardo! l got the crest on Birdman's helmet! OhmyGod! - The crest, the crest, the crest! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Yes! - Yes! - Oh.
One more-- - OK, let's just-- - Don't look at my-- - All right.
- Here we go.
- Up high.
- Yes! - Yes! Yeah, l'm going to-- Hey, did you take it to F.
E.
A.
R.
? They're not there! l guess they got tired of waiting around.
Hey, why don't you put it on? Great idea! Well? Are you sure you don't have some double-stick tape? How do l look? You look very powerful.
You look like a winner.
You look very important, dynamic, and very unstoppable.
And also, you look very powerful.
You are right! lf l could get the crest, then l can do anything! Because l'm a winner! Oh, l can't believe it! This is the fifth day he hasn't been there.
He doesn't answer, he doesn't return my calls.
lt's like l don't exist! Well, you'll all be glad to know that l got a replacement.
Yup, transparent, like those invisible braces.
You can't even tell l'm wearing it.
You know, it cost a little more, but it's worth it.
Speaking of which, Birdman take stock in how you look, man.
Try the Crest Club for Men.
Hoopen Holler.
When my client came to this lawless town did the citizens mind his ricocheting ways? Did they criticize his speedy bounce while he tracked down dangerous criminals like Annie Hoaxley or Sheepy Wolf? No! But now, now that the town of Hoopen Holler-- is safe, they reward the man who caught those criminals by accusing he himself of crimes.
l'm sorry, can you say that again? l was distracted by the the hairness thingy.
Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took-- Don't you move from that chair! --an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public-- Your legs! Stop moving your legs! --safety.
But in the end, he caused more property damage more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was-- You see, this is just the sort of dangerous and reckless behavior of which l speak.
Look out! Huh? What-- What's happening to me? The crest! lt has a mind of its own! Crest, what are you doing? Where are we going? Excuse me, Crest, you may want to open the door first.
Look out! Oh, l'm down! l'm sorry, the crest made me do it! lts power for good is overpowering my own inherent desire to evil-do the evil-do that l do do.
Please stand for the verdict.
Thank you.
The court finds the rabbit has ADD, ADHD, and OPP.
Cut down on sugary snacks, limit his TV viewing time and, oh, yeah, here's a prescription for some rabbit Ritalin.
l can't believe l lost.
lt was a lay-up! l never would have lost if l'd just had the crest! Um, what's that? That? Oh, nothing.
That's not a death console, is it? A death console with which to destroy one's enemy which, in your particular case, happens to be l don't know--X?! Don't be ridiculous.
l'm Harvey Birdman! l don't destroy people, l he-- Well, l don't destroy people.
You know, l'm betting this puppy could only generate enough power to stun somebody.
Sting them on the old dooder.
And if someone were stunned, even momentarily that might be enough time to recover my-- - Crest? - Yes! Birdman's crest on X's helmet! Well, that was a little creepy.
Look out! Where is he?! Why won't he return my calls? Doesn't he know l'm trying to kill him?! l mean, stun.
What's this? ''Hooded Hero''? ''Crest Crime Stopper''? l fought crime for years and never got any press! That does it! l'm getting my life back! He's gone from zero to hero from X, the Eliminator to X, the Ex-Villain.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
X, how did you change your life around? l don't know.
l guess it's the crest, you know.
lt made me realize, for the first time l'm a winner.
Getting the crest was your life goal.
What's next for X, the Eliminator? ll hadn't thought of that.
You know, l've only ever wanted the crest.
And now that l have it it's like l have nono purpose.
- l'm sorry.
- We'll be right back.
321.
- Your Honor! - Yes, l know.
Mindtaking.
- No, you don't know! - Ooh, who's so feisty? Your Honor, my client was just being a rabbit a normal ricocheting rabbit.
He's not supposed to sit still.
These medicines are rotting-- Oh, don't get in such a huff.
They're harmless.
Then l challenge you to take the very medicines you prescribed, Your Honor.
Oh, you do, do you? The evil that l do do.
Whoo! Oh ho, wow! You're right! Ohh Overturned.
l mean, no, no, guilty! Oh, correction.
Overruled! Pretty, pretty ponies.
l won! l won! l beat the Mindtaker! Look out! Well, it turns out l don't need the crest after all.
And everything's back to normal.
Well, almost everything.
- What is it? - lt's Harvey.
Harvey Birdman.
So what? l already got your super great, powerful, life-changing crest.
Well, you may have gotten a crest but not the good one.
What? Oh, yeah, there's a better crest.
- One that lights up.
- What?! Tell you what, you give me back that one and l'll give you the better one.
Hmm? l'll be right over.
Light-up crest on Birdman's hel Look out! met! Give me the old one first.
Come on, come on, come on! - Here you go.
- Yes! Light-up crest! Actually, it's a total fake.
Tricked ya! What?! How dare you, Birdman?! l swear l will get the crest back if it takes me yea-- Oh, l get it.
There.
Now everything's back to normal.
That lighting guy didn't do me any favors.
l think you look very good.
l do.
l wonder if this was my 15-- No, no, no.
Look, you are on tele-- Look at you.
You're fantastic on television.
You should be on televisions.
lt's occurred to me.