Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s03e03 Episode Script

"And my husband spends too much time in the tavern and not enough in our bedroom.
"Please help.
Also, he snores.
Signed, Sleepless in Cyprus.
" Ugh! Another lame request.
Can't these people get a life? Mmm.
Oh, that's good, totally good.
Make me forget this stuff.
Aphrodite? Mm-hmm? I don't see the point of rubbing oil on your skin.
Oh, it's just this new process I've hit on.
It gives me this killer bronze glow.
Here are more petitions from your shrines.
Ugh! Dear Goddess.
Single Athenian female seeks single Spartan male for fun and games.
Please send recent sketch- Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm just over this Goddess of Love gig! Gag me.
You've had enough? Absolutely! I am, like, extremely versatile.
No more hiding my talents.
They're gonna be out there for the world to see.
An hour of passion may soothe you.
Boring! You bore me! These bore me.
Love bores me.
I quit! Something troubles you, noble Hephaestus? Only that which I can never have.
But you must press on, great God of Fire.
None of the other gods has your skill and artistry.
No! lagos, how do I conquer my obsession for her? With work, Master.
I mean, only you can make the armor for the other gods.
There's a great emptiness inside me.
That's because you seek the unattainable.
Set your sights more realistically- perhaps on the beautiful Leandra.
My father told me you once proposed to her.
Yes.
And even she, a mortal, rejected me.
Hmm.
Well, maybe she's, uh, changed her mind.
- After all, it's been 50 years.
- So much time has gone by.
I must remedy that.
This shield you're crafting for Perseus- Is it as powerful as it is beautiful? It will be when it's finished.
lagos, I'll lift the curse on the village of Syllabus today, but I won't force myself on Leandra.
Ah! Nor should you have to.
Uh, let me talk to the girl, uh, find out how she really feels.
If you can convince her to come to me lovingly and freely, I'll give you anything I have.
Ah, not necessary.
I live only to serve you.
dd dd Ahh-ahh-ahh dd You love dddd I want you! I love you! Your love isn't strong enough! - Mine? No! Hmm.
Must have been a bad year.
Huh! dd My true lover dd Oh, shut up! Oof! Chrysala! Why did you do that? Maybe she's no longer fond of your instrument.
- I'm tired of you and your rags.
- But, dearest- Get out of my way! Oof! Mykonos! My friend! Come on.
Good to see you, lolaus.
Yeah.
Uh, what's going on? I have no idea.
The women are all behaving strangely.
Where's Hercules? Uh, he's in Corinth.
His brother Iphicles's wife is having a baby, so it's, uh, family time for Herc, R & R for me.
So, have you seen, uh, Evanthea? She's, uh, over there, but, uh, be careful.
Careful? Hmm! A week with Evanthea is like a walk in the clouds.
If she's acting like all the others, you may find yourself in a thunderstorm.
Evanthea.
lolaus.
Hi.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Whoa! Evanthea.
You know, I walked all the way from Kiriakos to spend some quality time with you.
I never wanna see you again.
Ever! - Uh! - Get it? I get it! Is it something in the water? Zeus only knows.
Get out and stay out, you pathetic imitation of a man! Are you all right? dddd I recognize that laughter.
Aphrodite.
Aphrodite? Come on.
I know you're here somewhere! Hah! Look at these mortals! Losers! Isn't this awesome? That Evanthea throws a mean right, huh? What do you think? Me- Goddess of Music.
dddd Aphrodite, are you responsible for all this? Totally! I maxed out on the love gig.
I'm shifting my career gear.
Time to find a new energy field, alter my aura.
Music? Not.
Wait.
Does this mean that there's - there's no more love in the world? Whoa, are you observant or what? Ha-ha! Put it this way: Guys still want it, but women couldn't care less.
Well - Come back here, you weasel! I'm gonna roll you into a pancake! So how come it only works on women? Duh! If men felt the same way, where would the fun be? This rocks! Aphrodite, people depend on you! Oh! Don't you realize the- the enormous implications of what you've done? This is gonna have sad consequences, tragic repercussions.
- Besides, I got a week off.
- Tell someone who cares, sweet pea.
I hate that.
In a moment we'll go down to the village below and politely invite Leandra to come with us- or drag her, kicking and screaming.
What village? That village.
Hah! Bummer, I missed.
- You almost killed me! - Chill, curly.
Not you, the tree.
Okay, so I need a little practice to become the Goddess of the Hunt.
Aphrodite, you can't be Artemis.
People depend on you for- Ahh! That was, like, my curve.
Sweet cheeks, call me irresponsible.
You're irresponsible.
Cool.
Aphrodite, you have been meddling with the forces of nature.
There's gonna be no more love in the world for generations to come.
There won't even be any generations to come.
Super bummer, but not my problem.
No, wait.
You're doing it all wrong.
First time I've ever had a complaint about my technique.
I meant your archery.
Okay.
Now squeeze and release.
That rocks! I got a personal trainer.
Right on.
Men and women of Syllabus, I come to you from Hephaestus.
Give over Leandra.
You've already suffered his curse once.
Don't defy him again.
You're not his messenger.
An older man came this morning! That was my father, you dumb fool! He's dead 15 years now.
Impossible! Is it? It can't be true.
Look at your vineyards, all withered and dry.
Your fields, barren and empty.
He's right.
What's happening? If I tell Hephaestus you refused him a second time, at sunset your village disappears forever! No.
Wait.
- Leandra went to the stream, looking for her son.
- Ahh! Hunting sucks.
Shh.
I mean, what does Artemis see in this? Hours and hours of looking for some huge, ugly, hairy pig.
Boar.
Shh.
I'm hot, I'm sticky- Ah! And what's this I just stepped in? Over there.
That's a boar.
Okay.
Go for it.
Get your hands off me! Please! I can't leave until I find my son! Marrying Hephaestus is more important than finding your brat.
- Wait! He's only three! - Leave her alone.
Don't interfere with things you know nothing about! You stupidly risk your life! So call me stupid.
Ahh! Hey! You're next, pal.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It was nothing.
Just-Just don't hit me, all right? Why would I hit you when you just saved me from being kidnapped? You mean, you don't feel like beating me senseless, or - No.
Come.
We'd better get back to my home.
There are bandits out here, or the She-demon might turn you into stone.
Well, you have no fear on that score.
Hercules helped me defeat the She-demon, oh, a couple of years ago.
Who's Hercules? You mean, you've never heard of Hercules? Friend of lolaus? No.
Please.
Let's go quickly.
Perhaps by now my son has returned to the village.
What village? Oh, oh! - Oh, mighty Hephaestus! - What's this? Where is Leandra? Forgive me, Lord.
I have failed you.
Get up, lagos.
I understand.
- She has no wish to be my wife.
- Oh, she's willing.
But the villagers- they mocked you.
They jeered at your name.
They called you the great god "Hideous.
" It's my destiny to be alone.
No! She wants to marry you! But as we were returning, a dozen of the villagers fell upon us.
- So they're keeping her from me? - Her screams of protest still ring in my ears.
Oh, please, Master, give me the means to bring Leandra here, where she wants to be.
Take this armor that I'm making for Ares.
Do as he bids! Syllabus? Not only have I never seen this village, I've never even heard of it.
You're not from these parts then? No, just the opposite.
My dad grew up around here.
Well, he must have heard of it.
Syllabus has been here for centuries.
Hmm! Leandra? Hmm.
That was weird.
Um, what's with all these old-fashioned clothes anyway? What do you mean, old-fashioned? Ah, no.
They're-They're nice.
lolaus, I can't thank you enough.
The least I can do is offer you supper, after I locate my son and give him a piece of my mind.
He's the one! Stranger, you brought Leandra back? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That was me.
She was being attacked by a bunch of guys, so I kinda- I'd have nailed 'em all if Hercules had been with me.
Who's Hercules? "Who's Hercules?" Wait a minute.
You mean, you never heard of him either? Where have you people been? Uh, you know, I- I-I'd love to stay and chat, but, um, I got a dinner date, so- Ooh, ooh! Because of your foolish actions, we'll be cursed by Hephaestus again! Stone him! Yes, stone him! - Stone him! - Oh, boy! Ow! Kill him! You people really know how to roll out the welcome wagon! Ow! Huh! Huh! Friendly little town you got here! It used to be.
Hey, tell me, uh, what is all this about a curse and, uh, Hephaestus? My advice? Forget about it and leave.
I intend to.
Thanks.
Great.
Ask a simple question- Hephaestus.
Ha-ha! I haven't seen the Hephster since we were teenagers.
- Class voted him worst dresser.
- Aphrodite.
Hmm.
It's an image thing.
Like right now, I just scream, "intelligence," right? Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
- So now you're covering Athena's territory, huh? - Nah, I tried.
This stuff gets old real fast.
They should, like, put pictures in those things or something.
Hey, well, here's an idea.
Be the Goddess of Love.
No heavy reading.
Aphrodite, there's something strange going on here in Syllabus, and no one will tell me what it is.
Syllabus? Syllabus! Of course! Apollo told me all about it.
Hephy zapped 'em with a curse.
And? Who remembers details? At the time, Apollo and I were rolling around in the back of his chariot.
Ugh! Judging by their clothes, I'd say Hephy zapped 'em with a fashion curse.
Thanks, Aphrodite.
That's cleared things up.
Uh, there's another thing.
Men and women here, they seem to be getting along fine.
Why is that? Do I look like the Oracle at Delphi? Boy, I wish Hercules was here.
Hercules! Of course! My brother's gig! I could do that easily.
Action, adventure- But first, the right outfit.
That's key.
What have I done? You've angered Hephaestus.
So, laugh, eat, drink wine, because this is your last day on earth.
And then you disappear forever, as if you never existed! Please! If we find her, will Hephaestus give us another chance? He gives you until sunset! Let's go! Find your child yet? No.
And that frightens me more than anything Hephaestus might do.
Leandra, what's going on? lolaus, I warn you, don't get involved.
I almost got stoned back there.
I am involved.
Hephaestus has chosen me to be his wife.
Aren't you already married? My husband was killed two years ago in the Punic Wars.
Punic Wars? My grandfather fought in those, but that was over 50 years ago.
You must be mistaken.
Here she is! Uh, one moment.
Huh! No! Yaah! Uh! lolaus! Find my son! Leandra- Uuh! For the safety of all, we're keeping you here until sunset.
What about Leandra? Never mind her.
We're saving you from Hephaestus as well.
Oh, forget about me.
- What about her little boy? - There's no sign anywhere of young Skouros.
Skouros? That was my father's name.
He was probably playing down by the brook when the village disappeared the first time.
Wait a minute.
You mean, the village disappeared? For 50 years, and now Hephaestus threatens us again.
This time forever.
Lucky little Skouros probably escaped the curse.
When my father was three years old, they found him playing by the brook.
- He'd been abandoned.
- Well, if it was him, at least he had a full life.
We may never have one.
Then that means Leandra is my- Pretty Herculean, huh? Uh, frankly, Herc never looked so- And, uh, he doesn't carry weapons either.
But I love accessories, and this matches.
A little help here.
Now smile and play the happy bride-to-be, or your village disappears forever, along with your son.
Leandra.
Welcome.
Thank you.
I told you how eager she was to see you.
- You come freely? - Yes.
She's not repulsed by me.
Well done, lagos.
Claim your reward.
Oh- Oh it's- Only if you insist.
I- Eh, perhaps this shield you're making for Perseus.
When it's finished, it's yours.
lagos will show you to your room.
This way, my lady.
When we get in there, be alert.
Uh-huh? Uh, keep moving.
And, uh, Hercules and I, we always cover each other's backs, okay? Do you rag Hercules all the time too? Look! There's the entrance! Ooh, I can't wait to mix it up! Aphrodite? Uh-huh? Before we go in, um, I think I should teach you a few moves, just to see if you're ready.
Okay.
Right.
Okay, try and hit me.
Uh! You're ready.
Next.
Listen, um, don't you think it'd be a lot easier if you just made Hephaestus fall in love with somebody else? Eat sand! Goddesses! Ooh! Check out that statue.
Cool.
Uh, Aphrodite, time to mix it up.
Um, I'm not really a cat person.
Later.
Not a cat person? Thanks for covering my back, Aphrodite! Good teeth! Which fork? Wrong fork.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Come on! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Oh! Later.
Nice detail work.
Aphrodite.
Boy, is it hot in here.
But I guess if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the forge.
I haven't seen you for centuries.
- You're even more beautiful than I remember.
- Thanks, Heph.
You, um, haven't changed either.
Oh, now let's cut the small talk.
Give up the grandmother, babe, or else suffer my wrath.
Never.
She wants to stay with me.
Listen up.
There's no Goddess of Love anymore, so you don't wanna go one-on-one with me.
Don't I? Aahh-yaahh! Uhh! Uh! Ohh! Tsk! You made me break a bootstrap.
There should be, like, hazard pay to this job or something.
Listen, Heph, don't make me repeat myself.
Give her up, or else.
Or else what? Bitchin'.
This goes very nicely with my gauntlets, but you think this thing can hold me? Please.
Aah! Zeus himself couldn't get out of that chair.
Well, it's ideal for entertaining, but I'm not into bondage, okay? Release me.
Of course.
Once I wed Leandra.
So, you're kinky.
Who knew? This isn't exactly drip-dry.
Can I borrow that cloth over there? No, not that one.
Wow, it's beautiful.
It's so me.
Even an ugly god can dream.
Ahh! - lolaus! - Yeah.
He wasn't much of a guard.
Come on.
I - I can't leave with you.
The fate of too many others depends on me.
My son - Leandra, I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but Hephaestus has already punished Syllabus once.
What you think happened only this morning happened over 50 years ago.
That can't be.
Your boy escaped the curse because he was playing by the river.
I don't believe you.
Believe this.
Your son, Skouros, he was- He's my father.
That's impossible.
Here.
My father had this hanging around his neck when they found him.
He was three years old.
That's my husband's.
My son wears it to play soldiers.
Little Skouros, all grown up? Yeah.
Please, take me to him right away.
No.
No, we haven't got time for that.
We have to get going.
Let's get outta here.
Hephy! Um, I always knew that you made weapons, but when did you become such a talented artist? Don't flatter me.
I know what people think of me.
They think you're brilliant.
I mean, this throne is, like, amazing.
How does it work exactly? You know, you're kinda cute from this angle.
You'll say anything to gain your freedom.
I'll release you after the vows.
But you don't really love Leandra, do you? A dozen villagers came in through the tunnel and took Leandra! A dozen? Like, major liar here.
- Trust me, there's only one.
- Why should I deceive you, Master? - I served you faithfully all these years.
- Let me guess.
Because you have no life? Because you hate your job? Because you have a real big yen for a lot of really cool weapons in here? This guy reeks of bad karma.
Can't you feel it? Don't let her looks twist you around.
Are you lying to me, Aphrodite? There isn't anything I've said to you that I didn't mean.
Is that so? She thinks you're ugly, Hephaestus.
Why don't you ask her? Leandra loves you.
If only there was some way to get her back.
Take them.
Go! It's all right.
We can rest here for a while.
No, I wanna see my son.
Where does he live? Is it far? Will he even remember me? Leandra, your son- my father- he's dead.
No.
I'm sorry.
I should never have let him out of my sight.
Some things are meant to be.
It, uh- It happened in battle.
He became a great warrior- a general.
Like his father before him.
Sons take after their fathers.
I'm sure you're a reflection of him.
In a way.
You'd have been very proud of him.
If only I could be with him just once more.
That can be arranged.
Go, go! I'll come for you! Ow! Ooh! Kill him! lolaus! Help me! Aah! Shoulda got a bigger stick! Getting that ol' sinking feeling, huh? Okay, you metalheads! Aah! Incoming! Now, that rocked.
Leandra.
Big mistake giving that to the creepy cretin with the awful aura.
lagos is my friend.
A guy who calls you "ugly" to your face? Yeah, that's a real bud.
Besides, it's not true.
You can stop lying.
Hera, my own mother, threw me out of Olympus because she couldn't stand the sight of me.
Horse-face Hera? There are no mirrors in her home, and for one good reason.
Besides, beauty's not just what you look like.
It's also what you are inside.
Whoa.
That's, like, profound.
Of all the Olympian gods, only I am ugly.
If Zeus had been my father, maybe my life would be different.
But you have no idea what it's like to be judged on your appearance alone.
Oh, yes, I do.
We have that in common.
It's done.
This was intended for you.
You're free to leave.
Actually, I'm not in any hurry.
Good-bye, Aphrodite.
That's a first.
Leandra! No! Leandra! Hold on! Okay.
You have to help.
That's it.
Come on.
You all right? Yeah.
I'm fine.
Thanks.
We're family, right? So we are.
In one day, I lose a son and gain a grandson.
To think, if Skouros hadn't wandered off like that, you wouldn't be alive.
Uh, yeah.
I - I guess sometimes things really do work out the way they're supposed to.
What courage you have.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks.
You think you can make it back to Syllabus on your own? Yes.
Are you going after lagos? Somebody has to.
Please be careful.
Yeah.
Not happy with the decor? Hey, I think this place smokes.
You're still here.
Yeah, I cleared my afternoon schedule.
Tell me one thing: Why Leandra? A pale imitation, but she reminded me of you.
When lagos returns with her, I'll send her back to the village.
Syllabus is free.
That's what you wanted to hear from me, isn't it? No.
What I want is the answer to my question.
Do you love me? For centuries.
Okay.
This can be easy, or it can be hard.
- You choose.
- I already have.
Yaah! No, no.
Not there.
Over here.
Very good! But how long will your luck hold out? A room full of weapons fit for the gods, and you choose a broom.
Yeah.
Well, I don't wanna kill you, lagos.
Then you're unluckyandfoolish.
Not even worth my energy.
I'm leaving.
I lied.
Which side of the sword am I on? You're trying to remember if I'm right-handed or left-handed.
- Aah! - Uh! That'd be left-handed.
Kill him now! Here we go again.
What a waste.
You trapped my panther, bested my shield and defeated my armored warriors.
Guess I was on a roll.
Where's Aphrodite? You brought her to me.
And for that, I'll be forever grateful.
Me too.
Sorry I didn't cover your back with those moves you showed me.
I was busy showing Hephy here some moves of my own.
Dite, please.
- "Dite"? - The God of Fire.
It only takes one little spark to start an awesome flame.
- So things are back to normal between men and women, right? - Totally.
I've decided to leave the action business up to my big brother Hercules.
That's a relief.
Well, I'm gonna go and say good-bye to my grandmother.
Remember if you or Hercules ever need any weapons - Hercules doesn't do weapons.
Oh, sweet cheeks.
I already got a petition from some babe in Parthea.
Evanthea.
Huh! - She wants to see me again.
- Go and make somebody happy.
Yeah.
Or don't you and Hercules do that either?