High Maintenance (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

1 - Are you dining with us today? - What? - Are you dining with us today? - Yes.
Yes, I am.
- Come with me.
- Okay, okay.
Excuse me.
Could you let this lady sit? She needs to eat.
That area over there is for working.
There's a printer and everything you might want.
- WOMAN: Okay.
- Thank you.
So sorry.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, and I hope you brought your credit card.
- We're cashless.
- Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- Raymond! - What? RAYMOND (SIGHS): I am going to need a vacation soon.
RAYMOND: One, two, three, four MAN: Thanks.
five, six, seven Do you like that? Those are heirloom tomatoes.
Excuse me, are you going to the bathroom? - MAN: Yes, I am.
- You might want the code.
It's 25-85.
Fancy, very fancy.
It's at the bottom of your receipt.
FYI.
It's FYI.
WOMAN: Do you work here? No, I just didn't have school today.
- (ALARM CHIMES) - WOMAN: Okay.
Yes! WAITRESS: You're getting a little close to our tips.
I'm guarding them for you.
CRYSTAL: Yeah, it's nut milk.
How do you milk a nut? It's dry.
Not after you put it in something to soak it in.
Yeah, but how does it get out? That stuff in your cup is called condensation.
- There's no milk in the inside - Raymond, it's milk.
It's milk.
Don't worry about it.
It's when the water evaporates, and it goes to either side of your cup.
It's impossible.
That is literally impossible.
(KEYPAD BEEPS) (ALARM CHIMES) No.
Oh, oh.
Not quite done with that.
Okay.
I have a yellow one and a blue one, but I can't do blood transfusions.
We both have pockets on our shirts.
(HUMMING) - CRYSTAL: Thank you, so much.
- WOMAN: Thank you.
You're very welcome.
- Oh! I am sorry.
- CRYSTAL: I got that.
- I got it! - No, Raymond.
I got it.
It's cool.
Raymond.
- Raymond.
I said I got it, babe.
- I got it.
- Go sit down.
- I got it! Raymond! Go sit down.
Please.
Thank you.
Aw, man.
I don't know if it's the time for cults.
And that's exactly the time for cults.
It's all about not blinking and hand movements.
Yeah.
Speaking of upstate, when am I gonna meet the enchantress of the Hudson Valley that I've heard so much about? Well, I'm going up this weekend.
Wanna come? I would love to, but I can't.
I'm hosting a drifter this weekend.
Oh, no.
Listen, if you're ever scared, the RV always has a key under the back, right tire and there's a little bit of cash in the ashtray.
I've never had a safe house before.
- Mobile safe house.
- Thank you.
I think you should think about making this a mobile dispensary.
Yeah, I don't know about that, man.
Mostly it's just, like, um a place for me to hang out and pee between deliveries.
- Can you do my back? - I can always do your back.
- Can you just Oh my goodness.
- I've got your back.
- Here.
- Thank you.
All right, this is cold.
- Whoo! Oh! - What did I tell you? Nothing like a man's hands on you.
You got a good stretch of skin back here, buddy.
Thank you.
- These are the Great Plains of skin.
- Yeah.
Uh-oh.
I don't remember this guy.
- What? - There's just this mole here that I - Really? - don't recognize.
Yeah.
It has a suspicious border.
- Take a picture.
- It's a red flag.
All right.
Here we go.
All right.
Here we go.
- Aah, fuck, man.
- No, no, no, no.
I got a friend who says, FOFO.
- FOFO? - Find out before you flip out.
All right, check that.
Don't worry.
Aah, man.
That's not good at all.
Yeah, you gotta see a doctor.
It's not a big deal.
I think we caught it early if there's anything to catch.
Oh, look at this guy.
Hey! Hey! Ahoy, blondie! - Um, do you want to buy some weed? - Hey, what the fuck, man? - All right.
- All right.
Great.
- Somebody will be right down.
- Sick.
All right.
I'll be right with you.
CHAD: He takes Bitcoin if you're into that.
I don't take Bitcoin.
- CHAD: You should.
- I didn't know you were crypto, man.
Everything about me is a little crypto.
- Hey, man.
- 'Sup, bro? Step inside my RV.
Cool.
- Where'd you get that? - This cafe right here.
Awesome.
(DOOR CONTINUES SLAMMING) (STEAM HISSING) - Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Of course.
- Enjoy.
- Looks great.
Thank you.
I say thank you too much.
Have you heard the good news? That he's gonna lose in 2020? That Jesus Christ is coming back.
- Our once - Oh, yeah.
I heard that good news.
- I'm good, though.
Thank you.
- Okay.
MAN: Excuse me.
I don't know what the hell is going on here, but I got the same charge three times.
- I'm so sorry about that, sir.
- You see that? Know what, actually, I need to talk to your manager right now.
CRYSTAL: Absolutely, if you just let me finish This is ridiculous.
CRYSTAL: Yes, absolutely.
So sorry about that.
- MAN: Okay, I'll be at my table.
- CRYSTAL: Okay.
(SIGHS) Some people are jerks.
Yeah.
Your, um, nails are polished.
Yes, they are.
What do you think? They're orange.
- I can see.
- Yeah.
My mom wears toenail polish.
I think my mom does, too.
Well, I think she stopped when she got the fungus.
What fungus? Yeah, it wasn't cool.
Are you the one who's smelling like a skunk? I smell like a skunk? Well, my mom is also a skunk, so I'm half-skunk.
And she had a fungus on She had a skunk fungus.
- A "skungus.
" - (GROANS) She's also French.
(PHONE VIBRATES) RAYMOND: Seriously? You know Oh fark! It's Oh, shh ant! - I'll get you a refill.
- No, you don't have to.
I'm - Raymond, what are you doing? - The guy asked me to get him a refill.
I actually didn't ask him to get a refill Go wash up.
Dad will be here soon to pick you up.
I don't wanna go with Dad.
- Raymond, please! - Waiter.
Um I don't know what happened.
I was a total goof.
WAITRESS: That's okay.
(KEYPAD BEEPS) (ALARM CHIMES) (COUGHING AND GAGGING) Mom! Mom! The lady in the bathroom is sick and she's throwing up.
- What lady? - The lady that was sitting right there.
Raymond, go sit down and be quiet.
Last time! - But she's sick! - Go! Oh, fark.
(GIGGLES) (ALARM CLOCK BUZZING) (BUZZING CONTINUING) (SIGHS) BARBIE: It was a good arrangement.
Sure, it was small.
And I'd only have it from six in the evening until nine in the morning.
That's when Phil would come in to work.
He ran a thriving eBay store, where he sold collectibles and what-not.
I had it all day during the weekends and whenever he went on vacation.
I had the night shift, sleeping, and he would come in during the day.
And it worked for ten years.
(TV PLAYS INDISTINCTLY) Anyway, he retired and moved to Santa Rosa, so I lost the space.
Of course, I would love to find a similar situation, but, you know, life's just not like that, is it? ARTHUR: Yeah, to-totally, um Yeah, so, like, what do you do for work? - Oh, uh, this and that.
- Mm-hmm.
- I volunteer a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm, honestly, between jobs - Mm-hmm.
but I've won some suits against the city.
- So I'm good for the rent.
- Okay.
And my brother's helping me while I'm waiting for them to pay out.
Okay.
But I'm used to leaving during the day - Mm-hmm.
- so I won't be in your hair at all.
- Okay.
Cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You You don't look like a nudist to me.
Oh, yeah, I am.
I just Yeah, but meeting strangers and all.
It's all the same to me.
It's nothing I haven't seen before.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
No, I mean, I imagine, right? I mean, you said you've been in New York for, like, a long time, right? Oh, yes.
Decades.
- Like the '80s or even before then? - Yeah.
I came through the tunnel from Jersey and I never left.
- Oh, man.
- 1976, '77.
Oh, wow! Yeah, that's supposed to be a crazy time for New York.
- It was.
It was free.
- Yeah, and I like free.
- Free is cool.
- Yeah, and you're a nudist.
Yeah, totally.
I feel like we have something in common.
- So, "Free" is your middle name.
- (LAUGHING): Yeah.
- Richard Hell what band? - Uh - Richard Hell.
- Oh, I don't know, the Ramones? - N-No.
- Okay.
No, Richard Hell, not The Ramones.
Back in the day, it would be sacrilege, but I forgive you, my son.
Hey, Mr.
Jim I can see the shape you're in Finger on your eyebrow And left hand on your hip Ow! Oh, my God.
Are you okay? It's just my kidney flares up once in a while.
- Have you seen a doctor? - Why? So he can give me antibiotics and grope me while I'm under? Excuse us.
What the fuck? (BARBIE HUMMING) Brother Johnny Arthur, did you cook onions in my pan? No.
He's a razor in the wind (DOOR SLAMS) And he got a pistol in his pocket ARTHUR: "Lizzard News"? Jesus Lord there ain't no doubt about it (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) This is what I was saying! About the Clintons? I have a question! And a comment.
(CLEARS THROAT) "Developed by the CIA in the late '60s, early '70s, it could shoot a small poison dart at a great distance.
" Are you sure this is The New York Times? Because it's truth.
I have some literature I can show you! Holy shit! Jesus What? (PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - BARBIE: Have you ever flown through - the Denver airport? - Barbie? Where are you calling from? Apparently, Illuminati headquarters is under the airport.
- Okay.
- Anyway I lost my house keys again.
What time you coming home? No one.
The line is dead.
(DOOR OPENS, SLAMS) Huh.
Steve Buscemi.
- (BARBIE CLEARS THROAT) - (OTTOMAN SCRAPES LOUDLY) We used to hang out in the East Village, when he wasn't any serious actor or anything yet.
We would all hang out, drink, work on our projects.
Jim Jarmusch asked me to be in one of his movies.
- Uh-huh.
- I just laughed at him.
I just think he wanted to sleep with me to tell you the truth.
- Uh-huh.
- Ended up casting, some Eastern European woman, she couldn't even speak English.
Anyway, before your time.
You wouldn't have seen that movie.
Uh, Stranger Than Paradise? I don't think that was it.
(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) - All right? - What else is on? (SIZZLING) Oh.
Oof.
MAN: Where they do the concerts.
Oh man.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Fuck.
Oh my God.
Oh, this is not happening today.
Here we go! (PHONE DINGS) (DOOR OPENS) (CHILDREN CHATTERING) DAD: Iris, do you want privacy or do you want help? IRIS: I can do it.
DAD: All right.
Remember, front to back.
GIRL: Can I go in with her? I want to tell her a story.
DAD: Let's wait.
We can tell her a story later.
JANE: But I can help her wipe.
DAD: That's okay.
She said she doesn't want help.
JANE: But I want to wipe for her! - DAD: You can't wipe for her, sweetie.
- JANE: Why not? You get to do it for us.
DAD: I'm an adult, so I help you both - until you learn how to wipe - GIRL: Daddy.
but that's not really something friends should be doing - for each other.
- (TOILET FLUSHING) GIRL: After we do this, why don't we go DAD: No, Jane, stop.
(SIGHS) - I think you handled that well.
- Thanks.
THE GUY: Wait, that's Debbie Harry, right? ARTHUR: Yeah, that's done from, like, the late '70s or something.
- It's pretty cool, right? - Yeah, Debbie looks uncomfortable.
(LAUGHS) Hey, how much are these cookies? They're ten.
I like them because they're not too strong.
- Yeah? - So you can, like, do stuff.
Okay, yeah.
That sounds perfect.
Yeah, I'll take, like, three of them, maybe? Okay, so that's a hundred and ten, then.
Okay, let's see.
Don't eat too many cookies, 'cause they're gonna get ya.
"Get ya, get ya, get ya.
" - (LAUGHING) That's good.
- Phew! That hallway reeks! I'm gonna have to talk to the parents next door again.
Who's this? - Hi.
- Oh, this is, uh Your drug dealer? - Are you kidding me? - What? - I don't believe this.
- I'm just gonna go.
Arthur Arthur, you know I'm drug-free.
- You know I'm drug-free! - I know.
I'm sorry.
- I'll keep it in my room.
- I'm on my way out.
- Don't worry about it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You be quiet, you leave, and shave your beard.
Buh-bye.
Wait, come on.
Hey, I'm sorry about that.
- I'll talk to you later.
Good luck.
- Yeah, buh-bye.
Arthur, you have violated our agreement.
What? I am renting a room in an apartment that is drug-free.
And if it isn't drug-free, I don't have to pay.
Wh are you crazy? Of course you have to pay! That's why I got a roommate.
That's that's ridiculous.
- Yep, there are consequences.
- (SPRITZING) - What is? - And you don't wash your hands, - after you pee.
- What? Yes, I do.
And you flop your ding-dong all over the apartment.
You touch it and you don't wash your hands.
Oh, I totally wash my hands, and if you're not happy, maybe you should just move out.
The month's not over, so don't make me - take you to small claims court.
- What? Small claims court? And I'm not going to I don't know what that is.
It's only fair.
Plus, what you owe me for the use of my water filter.
I can't owe you money for that.
You use my water filter every time you use the sink.
I have no choice.
It's attached.
Well, I'm only protecting your pineal gland from a government that uses fluoride to limit the IQ of the population.
- This is ridiculous! - And it's very expensive! ARTHUR: It's not true! (DOOR SLAMS) It's extremely costly! (DISTANT SIREN WAILS) (KNOCKING) Arthur? What? Do you Do you like me? (STAMMERING): Sure.
I mean, you're I think we're very different.
I won't sue you.
I like living here.
That's good.
And that's a relief, thanks.
You don't have to thank me.
It really is a beautiful apartment.
Is that moonlight streaming in like that? Oh, no.
It's just a street lamp.
(LAUGHS) The city sure is changing.
I remember the first time I saw the cops blasting those big lights into the Village.
They thought it would scare off the junkies.
It came right into my window and woke me up.
I was with a boyfriend.
Anyway, does that answer your question? Um, I didn't ask a question.
I'm really sorry about earlier, but I'm just not used to being a roommate.
Oh oh! And I-I-I finished that cookie thingy you left out.
- Oh, uh - It just looked so good.
Mmm.
I'm really sorry.
I ran out of my Fig Newtons, and I just had a craving.
Oh, uh, that's okay.
Um, there was just a little bit left, and you'll be - You're fine.
- (SIGHS): Okay.
You won't find moments in a box BARBIE: All of my friends have been chewed up and spat out by the city years ago.
I should probably move somewhere else, but I don't know anyone anywhere else.
But, heck, I don't even know anyone here anymore.
- Not really.
- What about your brother? - Where does he live? - Jersey.
- In Orange, nice big house.
- Okay.
So, you know someone in Jersey.
I mean, why not move there? He hates me.
No I mean, isn't he helping you with your rent? No, he's paying me to stay away.
Ah.
Okay.
No more pity party.
I love this.
What is this jam? Nice choice there, Arthur.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes.
Yeah.
Phish.
Freshman year of high school.
- Psychedelic.
- Yeah.
It's pretty good, right? (EXHALES) I've been wading in the velvet sea I've been wading in the velvet sea (DISTANT SIREN WAILS) (SNORTS) (SNORING SOFTLY) (WHISPERS): Good night, Artie.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) Chemtrails.
Ah Yeah, yeah, yeah Ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, yeah! The smell of fruit Stains the color of the rain The window green Lush a rush throughout the train A silent world that you never heard this way Something thick is in the air today Heads down, swayin' like wet palms Asleep in the morning still dark A glow invisible, a song unsung And all flex come undone As the doors slide open Bottles and glasses Raining down While the streets Are screamin' Suddenly hissing waves of magic I wonder what are the chances? What do they matter anyway? It's an emotional happenin' A metro phenomenon To see yourself from afar In a crowded metro car Love surrounded Smiles, laughter without fear In a city that seen