Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e03 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( bombs exploding ) Hogan.
A bit of a dirty trick, flying you to London for an hour of being a free man and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.
It breaks up the day, sir.
You're a good man.
You can guess what this is.
D day, sir? D day.
And forget you saw it.
Now, I can't tell you the exact date, even to tell you this much had to be cleared at the highest level of intelligence-- the old man himself-- but the date will be soon.
It's been a long time coming, sir.
A long time, and we don't want any mistakes, not on our part.
Yes, sir.
Of course, we could use a few mistakes from Jerry, and that's why you're here, Hogan.
You'll have a drink? No, thanks, sir.
Well, don't mind if I do.
Now, the German General Staff knows something is up.
They're meeting tomorrow to plan their strategy.
That we know for a fact.
That's very good intelligence, sir.
And we know more.
Our bombers have pounded just about every spot in Germany they've used for a meeting place.
So they're going where they don't think we'll follow-- Stalag 13.
You're going to bomb us? It's been brought up.
And rejected.
Which is where you come in, Hogan.
Sit down.
Hogan, you have quite a reputation for the offbeat, the bizarre, and for bringing it off.
I have a good crew, sir.
And you're going to need them.
Now sometime, in the next very few days, the greatest amphibious force in history is going to hit the coast of France.
And when it does, we need, desperately, some indecision from the Germans before they react.
Now, Hogan, we want nothing less from you than to tie up the German General Staff.
Can you do it? I must say, sir, it's quite a challenge.
That's good enough.
The means, we'll leave up to you.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, and just one more thing.
Our informant will also be at Stalag 13.
She's the wife of General von Scheider, German Chief of Staff.
That's a pretty good informant.
Well, yes and no.
You see, we planted her years ago, before she married von Scheider, and, after that, we lost contact with her.
Deliberately.
Too risky.
Well, now there's no reason to hold back.
This is it.
Use her if you can, Hogan.
But remember, she's been away from us a long time.
Don't trust her completely, unless you have to.
Yes, sir.
Good luck, old man.
Thanks, sir.
Carry on.
Up, up, up, up, up, up! Everybody up! I must have your immediate attention! What's going on? I have a very important announcement to make.
All prisoners are confined into the barracks until further notice.
( indistinct shouting ) All prisoners are confined into the barracks until further notice.
And any prisoner found not in the barracks will be shot.
Hey, get the white gloves.
Hey, what happened to you, Schultz? You look just like a soldier.
Herr Kommandant informed me personally that Stalag 13 is the most important spot of all of Germany.
Why? He did not tell me, but he wanted me to be sure that Colonel Hogan Where is Colonel Hogan? Where should he be? Right here! If he's not here, I would like to know where he is.
I think I would like to know where he is.
( faint knocking ) Where is Colonel Hogan? Why don't you take a look in his office, Schultz? I will! Is he in there? No, but by that time, he may be out here.
I demand to kno Shh don't tell me.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan! Hogan, where are you?! Hi.
How's it going? Welcome home, Colonel.
Colonel Hogan! Somebody call my name? Colonel Hogan, where have you been? I have strict orders from Commandant Klink that nothing out of the way should happen in the next several days.
That everything has to be Something wrong, Schultz? I see nothing.
( anxious muttering ) Hey, how was it? What happened in London, Colonel? Did you get a chance to visit Ginger? Goes anywhere, anytime, day or night.
If you think my commanding officer would do All right, hold it, hold it.
Small talk later.
We got work to do.
The German Army General Staff is due here in less than an hour.
You're kidding.
Straight stuff.
Here? I'll design my greatest bomb.
No violence.
Psychological warfare.
Who does the best Hitler? Audio or visual? On the phone.
Kinch.
No doubt about it.
Kinch?! Yes, Kinch does the best.
HOGAN: All right, all right.
It's all set.
Now, this is so big I-I can't tell you what it is.
D day.
( knocking ) Coming, sir, coming.
Just one moment.
Welcome, General Hogan! What are you doing here? I left strict orders.
Any prisoners found outside the barracks would be shot.
I just came through the tunnel.
There's an entrance in your outer office.
( muttering ) Schultz! Sergeant Schultz! Report to me on the double! Something up, sir? I'm going to have you escorted back to your barracks at once.
( phone ringing ) Schultz! Telephone, sir.
I don't have time to listen to the telephone! Schultz! I'll get it.
No! Hello? ( German accent ): Colonel Klink? Yes, yes, yes.
This is General Borneman, calling from Bergtesgarten.
Oh, General Borneman, I beg your pardon, General Borneman.
This is a recording of the voice of the Fuhrer being played for all the colonels in the German army.
Are you listening? Sir, I'm listening, I'm listening with all my being.
Did you call me, Herr Kommandant? Schultz, be quiet! To all colonels, the war goes poorly.
Why? Because my generals cannot follow orders! Because, from the chief of staff down, they put themselves before the genius of the Fuhrer.
Therefore, I shall teach them a lesson.
I shall seek out and find the most incompetent colonel in the entire German army-- but one who can follow orders.
He shall be my new chief of staff.
Together, we shall sweep on to glorious victory for the fatherland.
I have spoken! Bad news from home, sir? Incredible news, Hogan.
The Fuhrer is looking for the most incompetent colonel in the Germany Army, to make him his new chief of staff.
Marvelous! Congratulations! Hogan! With my record Why, they've even chosen Stalag 13 as the meeting place for the General Staff.
The General Staff.
What am I to say to General von Scheider? Tell him 20 prisoners have escaped and you're right in the running.
Uh-huh, uh-huh Hogan! I can't do that.
Schultz, take him back to his barracks and see to it that he stays there.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
If you change your mind, sir, just take the guards off the south tower for five minutes, we'll make you a big man.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I'll let you know.
Schultz! Out with him! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, were I in your favorable position Out! Well, and here we are.
I do hope that you find my quarters satisfactory.
Herr General, Frau von Scheider.
Yes, it will do.
Now, as you can see, I myself live in Spartan bachelor simplicity.
They will do, Klink, they will do.
Herr General, thank you.
The staff is waiting for me, Lilli.
I shall manage, Karl.
Uh, Herr General, shall we go to my office? I shall go.
Of course, of course.
I wouldn't think of intruding.
Good.
I'll be back soon, Lilli.
Good-bye, Karl.
Herr General.
Frau von Scheider.
If you are trying to escape, Colonel, you will need a much better sense of direction.
It's adequate, thanks.
But there is something else you can help me with.
Oh? And why should I help you? Because I know who you are and what you are.
Who told you? Never mind.
What's important now is how up-to-date is your information? I wouldn't know.
You are my first contact in over three years.
It was for your own protection.
I didn't need protection, I needed contact.
Have you any idea what happens to a woman in three years? He loves me, you know.
Yet you kept sending information.
With no reply! None! Look, whatever the past three years have been, what matters to me is now.
I'm working on a plan to immobilize the General Staff.
I'm making them think that Hitler is replacing von Scheider with the most incompetent colonel in the Wehrmacht, just to bring the army to heel.
( chuckles ): How bizarre.
I'm noted for that.
The colonel that's taking his place is Klink, which makes it even more bizarre.
But you are a prisoner of war.
How can you make such things happen? That's why I need the help.
They told me not to get in touch with you unless I had to, and I had to.
Now, are you in or out? After all this time, I am to help with this crazy scheme which has no possibility of realization? It's up to you.
For laughs yes.
Thanks.
You'll have a million.
How do I look, Colonel? Like a Boy Scout with a mustache, but you're all we've got.
Schultz's here.
What'll I do? Stay here.
If we can't fool Schultz, we can't fool anybody.
Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan, have you heard the latest? You know I don't spread rumors, Schultz.
This is a definite rumor.
There is a Gestapo major coming into camp to check on Commandant Klink's efficiency-- for the office of chief of staff.
Ah, come off it, Schultzy.
I swear! It's the most efficient checkup of inefficiency in the history of Germany.
And we, humph, we are a very efficient people.
Where'd you hear it? Well, it W-W-Who-Who-Who? Aha! Fraternizing with the prisoners, is it? Giving them valuable military information, is it? Aha! ( stammering ) Silence! This confirms exactly what these men had told me.
This is the worst run prisoner-of-war camp in all of Germany.
That's bad, sir? That's good for Klink's chances of promotion to chief of staff.
Oh, that's good.
That's bad.
He will be replaced by someone who will send bumblers like you to the Russian front! That's very bad.
Cheer up, Schultz.
It's only a rumor.
Klink?! Impossible.
Good-bye, Lilli.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Now, we were discussing General von Scheider, not Klink.
You've heard the rumors then.
My sincerest sympathy.
Frau von Scheider told me at lunch.
The wives always know first, somehow.
And the Gestapo is already here.
Apparently the chances of Klink look very good.
General, my father was a general of the German army, as was yours.
We have roots, tradition.
We will not stand for this humiliation at the hands of an Austrian corporal.
General von Scheider stays.
Who speaks for the true Germany? All for one and one for all.
Colonel Klink ( groans ) Kommandant Klink! ( groans ) Oh Major, at your service, sir.
Major Lindenfelder from Berlin.
Uh-huh.
Checking.
Checking, yes, sir.
I trust that everything is in perfect order? Miserable.
Miserable, hmm.
Is that bad or is it good? So far, you are getting my highest failing marks in everything.
Come.
No, no, no, please.
The General Staff is meeting in there.
So? Oh! one could be here and May I inquire the meaning of this? The Gestapo never gives answers, just questions.
The major's just checking.
You presume, Major, to break in on the Army General Staff? Out! I take orders only from the Fuhrer.
Not from has-beens.
Has-beens.
I was a general when you were still living in the gutter.
Now, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Why, there is much to be said on both sides.
I feel that Oh, am I intruding? I can come back.
Out! Out! Stay.
Stay.
Klink, I thought all prisoners were to remain in barracks.
Major Lindenfelder, I gave the strictest instructions to Mm-hmm.
Another black mark, Klink.
I feel terrible.
Klink, you have compiled a perfect inefficiency rating.
I think the Fuhrer has found a new chief of staff.
It was nothing.
Nothing? That is the word for it.
Major, you can tell Berlin that the General Staff is united and firm.
They're not accepting this humiliation.
And that is final! Final? Uh-huh.
And you, General Bruner, you are putting yourself in defiance of Herr Hitler? He is.
I have my duty as a German soldier.
Of course, uh, obedience to orders is a part of duty.
Bernhart And you, General von Katz? I am sure, if the Fuhrer truly understood the situation, his well-known sense of fair play would von Katz! Uh-huh.
You may expect a phone call in a matter of hours.
Yes, sir, a phone call.
General Klink.
( excited chuckle ) Sounds right-- General Klink.
Stalag 13.
I'm sorry, he's still in a staff meeting, General.
He's taking no calls.
Stalag 13.
General Rommel.
Is that the General Rommel? ( static ) They're jamming, Colonel.
The BBC-- they're blocking out all the German radar installations between Le Havre and Dunkirk.
That's it-- D day.
They'll be hitting the beaches in a couple of hours.
Guess we better get started, huh? Right.
Colonel, the woman is outside.
Frau von Scheider? She came down through the entrance in Klink's quarters on her own.
I found her wandering in the tunnels.
Oh.
I'm sorry to come here, but I had to see you.
All right, what is it? The plan will not work.
My husband von Scheider has managed to rally them.
He is holding them to their word as German officers.
They will not step down, even if they are convinced the order comes from Hitler himself.
You let us worry about that.
Now you are to stay with him.
Keep him off balance, keep him from checking it out.
But it will not work.
I have been his wife for three years.
I know him.
That's another thing.
We have orders to get you back to England.
Your assignment in Germany is finished.
They want to start using what you've learned.
Just like that? I am to pick up and to leave? Maybe you'd rather stay? No.
But I am a human being.
Surely you can understand that.
Right now, I've got time to understand just one thing.
We've got a thousand ships crossing the channel, ready to hit the French beaches, and I've got work to do.
LeBeau, get her to Klink's office.
Right, sir.
We're going to make a phone call to there in five minutes.
You may be right about von Scheider.
But we're betting the other way.
Yes.
Bergtesgarten.
Von Scheider? Von Scheider, put Klink on the phone, now.
The Fuhrer wishes to speak to you.
Me? ( heels clicking ) Yes, mein Fuhrer.
Are you able to follow orders, Klink? Oh, I love to follow orders, mein Fuhrer.
Almost any orders, especially your orders.
You are my new Army Chief of Staff.
Do not make a move without my permission.
Is that clear? Perfectly.
Thank you, sir.
I shall do my best to justify the great confidence you've shown in me.
Shut up and put on von Scheider.
Shut up and put on von Scheider.
Yes, sir.
Are you there, von Scheider? Ja, mein Fuhrer.
Tell me, do you remember what happened to the last chief of staff before you? I believe he shot himself, Fuhrer.
He was allowed to shoot himself! With you, I am going to be much more lenient.
You will succeed Klink as kommandant of Stalag 13.
Kommandant of Stalag 13? Are you there, von Scheider? Did you hear me? Ja, mein Fuhrer, I heard.
And I just want to say thank you.
Thank you, mein Fuhrer.
Two American airborne divisions parachuted into Normandy.
That's a half hour ago.
Vivéz les Americains.
Colonel, it's von Roenstadt's headquarters.
They insist on talking to General von Scheider.
Rommel's headquarters.
They're trying to get through.
All right, this is it.
From now on, all calls in or out, go direct to Klink's quarters.
All calls? If we can't trust Klink to do the right thing, who can we trust? Another toast to the new Chief of Staff.
Ja, ja.
General Klink.
General Klink.
I will drink to that.
SCHULTZ: Herr Kommandant! Excuse me, please! Herr Kommandant! Oh, I mean, Herr Chief of Staff! General von Roenstadt himself is calling from France.
He insists on speaking with General von Scheider at once.
Well, I suppose the news has not yet reached him.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Schultz.
My dear von Roenstadt, this is your new Army Chief of Staff Wilhelm Klink speaking.
Now, General von Scheider is What? They're doing what? Those barbarians! They're invading France.
Yes, sir? Reinforcements? New panzer divisions? You want me to? General Roenstadt, I shall have to call you back.
What shall I do? Where's the assault? Normandy.
A feint, a diversion.
The main blow will come at Calais.
You are wrong.
Le Havre.
Le Havre.
I still insist.
But what shall I do? I mean Ah! General von Scheider.
The Allies are invading.
What shall I do? Have you seen Lilli? Where could she be at this hour? ( phone ringing ) Please, General von Scheider! SCHULTZ: Herr Chief of Staff, please! General Rommel's headquarters.
And light divisions are landing on the beaches.
I'm not here! Her small suitcase is gone.
All right, all right.
I'll get her another one.
But what am I going to do? The Panzer Lehr and the 12th S.
S.
Panzer Division should be brought up.
Only if this is not a feint.
Permission to move panzers can only be given personally by Hitler.
The very thing! Hitler! Call him.
I have been relieved.
General Bruner, you call him.
It's not my place.
von Katz? No, thank you.
You see, it's all up to you, General von Scheider.
I'm going to look for Lilli.
Please, General von Scheider, I Schultz, you call him.
Yes, Herr Chief of Staff.
What shall I call him? All right.
Get me Bergtesgarten, the Fuhrer's headquarters.
It's very urgent.
What time does he go to bed? Hello.
General Borneman? This is Klink, speaking.
Army Chief of Staff Klink.
I suppose I could call myself General Klink, but until the papers come through What? K-L-I never mind.
Did you know that we were being invaded? Yes, Normandy.
They are coming ashore like locusts.
So if you'll just ask the Fuhrer what he wants me to do, I'll Hmm? Klink.
K-L-I-N-K.
The new Army Chief of Staff.
No, I'm not drunk! Yes, of course I've been drinking, but an Army Chief of Staff does not get drunk.
You just ask him Huh? He's in bed? He left strict orders not to be disturbed? Well, an order is an order, General Borneman, so if you will just be kind enough to bring it to his attention in the morning, I would General Borneman? General Borneman? I think we've been cut off.
Shall I try to get him back, sir? No! What shall we do? We must do something.
Yes, we must do something.
More champagne? That's it, Colonel.
I just told London that Jerry won't be moving any reinforcements for awhile.
Good.
Colonel, I'd like to volunteer for service with the invading forces.
Request denied.
Although I know how you feel.
Right now, I want you to take Frau von Scheider to her rendezvous with the submarine.
She's headed for England.
C'est la guerre.
Good-bye.
So long.
And good luck.
Your papers, ma'am.
Oh, thank you.
It was a brilliant operation, Colonel.
Bizarre, but brilliant.
Have a safe trip.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Uh Any farewell messages? No, because I leave no one behind.
Good-bye.
Colonel? What did she mean by that? Carter, when you're older, you'll understand.