How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s03e03 Episode Script

Work's been pretty busy lately.
We have a new exhibition by an artist called Jonathan Ben Daniels.
Now Ben Daniels calls this collection "The anonymous gathering".
Not very lifelike if you ask me.
Apparently Jonathan Ben Daniels based this one on his own physic.
Which must means he doesn't have any genitalia.
Oh, this one here is even less lifelike.
I mean, look at that Nothing, nothing at all.
Don, I want a word.
- But it does speak, which is a nice touch.
- Excuse us for one second.
I heard you were late again today.
Oh, yeah but I got a good excuse.
Right, and what is it this time? - Did you have another stroke? - That wasn't a lie! There you are, I heard you were late again today.
Yeah I've had a stroke.
You were saying? Allright, maybe that was a lie.
But I couldn't help it this morning, I was in a terrible car crash.
Excuse me, my friend and I would like to know what time you finish work? - Why is that then? - Well, Felicity thinks you're cute.
Right, I hope you're not Felicity and speaking in 3rd person.
Don hates that.
Excuse me? Nothing.
You must come along too.
- What? - What? We'll be in the bar.
Across the road.
- What do you recon then? - No.
Come on, we might have a laugh! But Don, I don't really like you.
Oh I know what this is about.
Yeah, it's because I don't really like you.
It's because we're work colleagues.
You don't want me to see you drunk, do you? No, it's because I don't really like you.
But look, your one is well up for it.
She's quite cute I guess.
Heh, you see? It doesn't matter that you and I are totally different.
Maybe that's our thing.
We can be like the "Lethal weapon" of double dating.
I'm Riggs by the way, you're Murtaugh.
You know, the black one.
Revision: Cristianell® Season 03 - Episode 03 "Don Meets His Maker" And so, for the first time ever, I was socializing with Jason And on the pull, no less.
I mean, to be honest, I don't dig all that post-modern stuff Do people still say "post-modern"? So what's it about what do you prefer? Oh, call me old-fashioned, but I like paintings, and drawings You know? Art.
I was hugely influenced by the 80s movement - Who? - Well, you know, Harris.
He means Rolf.
- Hart.
- Tony.
- Buchanan.
- Neil.
Although, technically, Neil Buchanan was early 90s, right Jason? You're an absolute hoot! I am, aren't I? What is a hoot? Look, same again? And I might as well get some Samuel Bucas, yeah? Yeah? Yeah What on earth made you employ him? He was actually very good in his interview.
He knew a lot about the artists we were exhibiting at the time.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, turns out he'd memorized the flyers while he was waiting to be interviewed.
- Why don't you just fire him? - Oh, he's nice! I've tried many, many times, but he has this uncanny ability to make me change my mind.
- You're firing me? - Yes.
You can't do that! Don't, please! No! Don't fire me! I got leukemia and he's firing me! Ok, Don, ok! You can keep your job just put your clothes back on! Thanks, Jas.
Is it lunch, yet? I mean, in a way he's kind of amazing.
Here we go, drinks andSammy Bucas Youright.
What are we talking about, then? Rembrandt.
Who? - My one's up for coming back with me.
- Congratulations, Don.
Well, you say that, but posh girls can be prudish.
I mean, I don't want to spend all night in bed with her and not actually do anything.
It leaves a man with sad, aching balls.
What a poetic image.
This has been fun, right? Yeah, it's been the best ight of my life, Don.
I'll catch you later, Murtaugh.
And so I took Felicity back to my place.
I've never had someone this posh in my bedroom before.
Look.
It's difficoult for guys to have lots of foreplay without actually well, you know and you seem like a very respectful lady, so I'm not gonna start Shut up! Holy Kostner! No one's ever done that before! This isprettywild.
Candle wax on the nipplesthat's nothing.
I'm not gonna light it.
- Who's your daddy? - I told you, I'm an orphan! - I said: who's your daddy? - You are? This feels a bit weird.
This feels a bit weird, uncle Peter! I'm not surewhatIget out of this! Morning, kids! Oh, and you, Brian Top of the morning, Donald! It's funny, isn't it? Love happens when you least expect it.
- You're in love? With who? - Her name is Felicity I think Yeah, yeah, it's Felicity.
How exciting! What makes you think it's love? Well, A: the sex is amazing.
- Is there a B? - No.
You seem really happy, Don.
That's wonderful! I'm telling you Brian: she is filthy.
Really, really dirty.
That's great! Oh, man.
She's my ticket out of this dump.
What are you talking about? Well, she's like royal or something - Hello! - Hi! Everyone: this is Felicity.
My friends call me Fleec.
Why? It's short for Felicity.
I guess.
Would you like me to run you a bath, Fleec? Don's been telling me how filthy you are.
I never said that.
Yeah.
Yes, you did.
Just now.
You said she was really, really dirty.
Right! - Well, I better get going! - Yeah, I'll see you out.
You were amazing last night.
You fancy doing that again, later? No, I can't.
I'm off to mummy and daddy's for the weekend.
Oh my God, you should come with! Harriet's joining us.
It's lovely down there.
We canshoot game get sozzled on daddy's plonk.
Yeah, sorry my posh isn't greatwhat? What? Just say: yes Fleec, that would be lovely! Yes Fleec, that would be lovely.
- I adore how subservient you are.
- Eh, thanks.
What does "sub serbient" means? Punching above your weight, aren't you? What are you talking about, Gollum? That posh slut, what she sees in you? Well, clearly she sees a cool sofisticaded guy! - Bite me! All of you! - Oh, Don Her parents house was huge! It was like something out of a Keira Knightley novel.
The girls invited Jason along, too.
Just think Murtaughone day, this could all be mine! What? You're punching above your weight, Don.
Why do people keep saying that? Because you are.
Oh, you think you're a part of the furniture, do you? Don, I deal with these people all the time.
You see, a lot of posh types buy art, you know? Jas, I'm a social comediant.
Once I finish with these lot, they'll think I'm Lord Donald of Danbury.
Well, we'll see Chaps? What you doing? Chop chop! - Wellington, why don't you take Jason and Harriet to their room.
- Of course, my lady.
Wow! You've got a butler! - There she is, my little princess! - Daddy! Her dad was immense and immensely posh.
He made me feel like an oink.
Harrison Harshton Lord, of the Hampshire Harshton Lords.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe I was punching above my weight.
I mean, what must he see? Big Issue? Big Issue, sir? All right guv'nor? Apples and pears! Is that Prince William? I've just parked my van on the lawn so don't be getting any one to move it, right, cause I'd be well vexed.
You alright? Stick the kettle on, will you, love? Right.
I'm going to unpack.
I'll leave you two boys to get to know each other.
Ok, puppet.
I don't like you.
- You don't know me.
- I don't wish to.
Felicity is my only child, my only daughter, you were aware of that? Well, you must be very proud my Lord.
You know that she's still a virgin? Does that surprise you? - A little bit - I want it to stay that way, you hear? - What? - You keep it that way, you hear? I can't hear you! Sex is for the weak minded.
It's disgusting.
It's overrated.
- You don't like sex? - Why do you think I only have one child? I don't know Are you Chinese? - Did daddy give you a talking to? - Yeah, he's frightening, isn't he? What? Puss Puss? No, he's a softy underneath it all - Puss Puss? - When I was a girl I used to call him Puss Puss.
- He reminded me of a family pet, you see.
- What did you have, a lion? Yeah! Did daddy tell you? Sadly we had to put him to sleep.
He chewed the maid's face off.
- Poor old Puss Puss.
- Poor old Puss Puss? What about the maid? Maria is fine, She's still with us.
- What you doing? - What you doing, more like? I'm having a poo, Don.
Do you mind? Sorry sweetie! Jason's bathroom, Donald.
Knock before you enter, that's a good chap.
Ahwhat's that for? - It's to stimulate the vagina.
- Yeah, I know that.
Or the sphincter.
I might want to use it later.
Although not on me! Right! I think Puss Puss have fun planned for us today.
- You up for outdoor larks? - Yeah, outdoor larks sound great! Here we go! There he comes! Super! Oh, hang on! Hang on! Sorry! Play away, Jason.
Ah, sweet! The day hadn't gone great, and I really wasn't scoring any points with Felicity's dad.
Don't worry.
Wellington's arm will be fine.
It's only a flesh wound.
I've never shot someone before.
You are getting changed into something nice, aren't you? We're meeting the rest of the family at din dins.
Yeah, of course.
I knew the sort of place I was coming to.
It's my granddad's.
Nice, hey? Let's get going I was introduced to everyone else at dinner.
Felicity's mother was literally the poshest woman I'd ever met.
Do you think we should get Wellington born down? He's not as useful with one arm.
But at least she wasn't as crazy as the dad.
The best thing about being in the Army is you can take a man's life and it isn't against the law.
And then there was auntie Orthensia.
Well, she didn't speak at all, so it's hard to tell what she's like.
- You alright? - No, she's not.
She's been in a state of shock ever since her boys were killed.
Sorry.
- How did they die? - Car crash.
Hmmthat's a French Malbec? - I'm impressed, you know your wine.
- No, not really.
- Danbury, how's yours.
- Oh, yeah Shit, that's good.
But can you guess what it is? Well, it's uh wine, right? Philistine Where's Maria with the bloody food? Dude, can you stop sucking up to the dad, please? I need him to like me! - What? I'm not sucking up.
- Stop whispering! Yes, my lord.
Sorry, my lord.
- Caviar, sir? - Ah yes.
HOLY FUCK! Donald, this is Maria the housemaid I told you about.
You have a kind face.
You have a lovely mask.
Jason, tell me you see a lot of black chaps on the rugby pitch, but very few dark faces in the stands.
Why is that? I'm more of a cricket man.
Oh, good.
Maybe we can knock a ball around tomorrow at past meridian.
Yeah, ok.
It tastes like gas! I mean it's Yummy, yummy gas It was so frustrating.
I didn't seem to be able to do anything right.
Meanwhile, Jason was Mister Perfect.
- Oh, absolutely wonderful, Jason! - No, no, it was all the piano's doing, I just touch the key.
I thought faking interest in the old freaky aunt might show them all I was a nice guy.
You alright, love? Get your treacherous arms off her! I was just seeing if she's ok It must be really tough for her, losing her boys like that How old were they? - 6, 8 and 12.
- Oh, man That's awful.
Graham was the youngest, then Bilbo then Peanuts.
Sorry sorry, it's just, you know, where I'm from, you wouldn't call a child "Peanuts".
- Peanuts was a korgi.
- A korgi? - You mean her boys were dogs? - Yeah.
Ah, right! Well, what's all the fuss about? Just get yourself some new ones, love! And there was me, thinking she'd named her son "Peanuts".
Although, actuallyGraham is a weird name for a dog, isn't it? No, no, no, that's a good thing! Means she's in there, somewhere.
Not a total cabbage.
- Your family hate me! - Of course they do, Donald.
You're common.
And that's exactly why I like you.
- Really? - Yeah.
You're exciting.
Thanks.
- naughty - Well, I try - Stupid.
- Yep.
- What? - Well, are we going to screw each other my parents haven't got Wellington out, yet.
- What does that mean, exactly? - Catch.
I don't think we should get up to any hanky-panky while we're here.
What your dad hears us? - His room is on the other side of the building.
- Yeah but, what if we're loud? I mean, some of the things you do to me really make me yelp! Yelp? Whatever the manly version of "yelping" is.
Don't worry.
I've got just the thing.
No, no, dear, I do not know what the collective noun for pigeons is.
Pigents? Pigeouneers? You look so cute.
Cute? I look like I've borrowed Marilyn Manson's underwear.
Why can't we just do it in our nude suits? That's so boring! I like to dress up.
Don't tell me you haven't done this sort of things before.
I had sex, once, dressed as Apollo Creed but the make-up just got really messy - You have got to be shitting me - It will stop you from yelping.
I'm scared Ready? Princess! Are you awake? One second, Puss Puss.
Quick, get in the bathroom! What is it, daddy? - Where is Danbury? - Oh, he, ehm Wanted to get some fresh air.
When are you going to bring home a nice lad? Donald is nice I mean someone we can welcome into the family And want you to get married maybe to.
You see, I don't trust the man.
I think he might be a bad influence on you.
Oh, come on daddy, I'm tired.
I'd be terribly upset if I ever discovered you'd already bumped your hiny.
What's that? - Ehm - Is that him? No daddy, I told you He's outside.
Oh, naughty.
Nice pyjama's, Don.
Sorry, I didn't quite get that Eh, let me see something about an aqueduct? Wow, wow, wow No need to swear.
Open up! Sorry Don I can't understand you with that ball in your mouth.
- Was there another person in here? - Just Harriet.
I said person, not woman! Well okay puppet, sweet dreams.
I hope I'm in them.
Cup of coco, mylady Wellington! - Sir? - Have you seen Danburry? I'm afraid not, sir.
- I don't like him, Wellington.
- I understand sir.
I don't like the way he looks at my precious daughter.
I want to grab hold of that boys penis.
Hold it tight.
And then yank it from his groin.
And then I want to bend him over And insert aforementioned severed penis right up his backside! I'll teach him never to lay a finger on my angel.
It certainly would, sir.
Now if you don't mind, I have to attend to lady Ortensia.
Of course.
Here you go, mylady.
Now don't forget to take your pills at three am, five am and seven am.
I've left them here with some water.
Good to see you are peeing regulary, mylady.
- Have you seen Donald? - Is he the one running around in S and M gear? Oh god, I do hope dad doesn't find him.
He'll tear his penis off.
I'm being serious! He did it to my first boyfriend, tore his penis right off.
He's only thirteen.
Sorry.
I don't mind.
Please don't hurt me.
Please, I'll scream.
Mylady.
What is going on? Orty, you're okay? What happened? There you are.
I was right about you, wasn't I? What is going on? Penelope, shut your eyes at once, I don't want you to see this filth.
Donald! Have you got anything to do with this? Please angel, tell me you haven't.
No Of course not.
Donald what are you doing? You're rotten in the head.
I want you of my grounds this instant! How could you do this, Donald? Mylord, mylord.
- I have some splendid news.
- What is it, Wellington? Auntie Ortensia finaly has spoken again.
- What did she say? - She said He tried to penetrate her! And so I had to make my own way home.
I had to keep telling myself that the only reason Felicity didn't help me back there, was because she had no choice.
Her dad would of killed her! She was probably back at home, worrying about me.
It's chafing my balls.
Get in the bed.
Now!