Ideal (2005) s03e03 Episode Script

I just like working with the dead.
Is that really so weird? I'm in love.
Praise be COLIN: I've been searching for Carmel.
She's with that Enrique.
Will you marry me? Oh, yes! This is completely pure.
- It's strong, then? - Strong? Blow the roof of your mind off.
So, I heard you're getting married, Moz.
It's not official yet.
It's It's like when your bird's pregnant.
You don't tell everybody straight away, just in case it's Someone else's? Look, this stuff ain't cheap, man, it's about 45 quid a quarter.
We're recording our new album, aren't we? Got to spend the advance somehow.
And that's 50.
Treat yourself.
We're changing direction.
- You gonna go backwards? - No.
The record company told us to make sure the new album's a lot more poppy.
Not poppy, accessible.
- There's a difference.
- Okay.
We're writing more accessible songs, anyway.
We're Not Puppets.
I never said you are.
That's the new single.
We're Not Puppets.
So, uh, if you're not puppets, why do you look exactly like puppets? Do you not think your wooden faces and your strings are gonna confuse the issue? - It's an ironic statement.
- Ah.
It's what the record company wanted.
- Just - What Got to get back to the studio.
Don't forget your Muppet song.
Puppets, we're puppet.
We're not puppets, whatever.
It's yours.
I think you'll find it's a limited edition.
Ta, I'll put it in my safe later.
- Morris.
- Mum.
This is a spot check I mean, a surprise.
Hello, love.
My little Morris getting married.
Oh, congrats, love.
Congrats.
Well, I proposed to Nicki, and then she said, "Yeah.
" - It's not definite.
- Of course it is.
There's no going back now.
So, what do you think to the new me? Soz.
Thought it were the old you in a track suit.
No, I've reinvented myself.
Getting healthy, eh, and I can help you reinvent yourself.
Sounds like a lot of hard work, don't it? Couldn't I just reimagine myself? No! Come on.
Where's Nicki and baby? Brian's driven them to Gorton to get the buggy mended.
Why, what's happened to it? Well, I've been using it as a wheelchair.
They just don't make things that last today.
Nutrigulp is a synergetic, vita-mineral compound shake.
And it comes in four healthy flavours.
Chocolate, coffee, cola and Scotch.
Mum, are you pyramid selling? No, love, it's a drink.
Nutrigulp is scientifically stuffed with a perfect mix of vitamins and minerals to help you reach your target weight.
But I am my target weight.
It's a big target, but I'm happy as I am.
But with Nutrigulp, your weight comes off and stays off.
Leaving you free to enjoy your new life.
I don't want a new life.
That's the old you talking.
Where's your friend Cartoon Head? He'll want to try Nutrigulp.
Have you listened to your gob recently? - Listened to meself all last week.
- You what? I taped meself reading out the Nutrigulp sales pitch.
That's how I learnt it.
Must have played it over a hundred times, even when I were asleep.
Mum, you could have learnt a foreign language, like Spanish or German.
Or American.
But instead, you choose to become fluent in bullshit.
Temper.
Nutrigulp would help you control your mood swings.
Mum, I've met Trekkies with more varied conversation.
Hello, the old me speaking.
NICKl: Moz, it's me.
Listen, we've had a crash.
Shit.
Nicki, are you all right? Don't worry, we're all fine.
You've not forgot my NCTget-together, have you? No of course not.
When is it? In about 10 minutes.
Right, right.
And, uh, what is it? All the mums who were pregnant same time as me having a get-together.
Well, that'd be nice.
Where is it? At ours! They'll be arriving in 10 minutes.
Yust be yourself.
Actually, no, don't.
Make them feel welcome.
I can't, I've got a bad leg.
I've got to go, I'll ring you later.
- Morning, Jenny.
- Sorry, me and Jenny are late.
You're not, you're early.
So, should I be sorry or not? It's your decision.
There's only one woman here already, but she has got the power to reinvent you.
Hey! Congratulations on getting engaged.
Thanks ever so.
You see, this is completely pure.
I know you've explained it and written it down.
But tell me again.
Right.
You have one Nutrigulp shake for your breakfast, one for your lunch, and you can have whatever you want for your tea.
Okay.
- Yeah? - Can I have quiche? - I love quiche.
- Quiche is fine.
- Yeah? - With potatoes or with chips? It's up to you, love.
Whatever you fancy.
- Yeah? - Okay.
I'll have potatoes.
Shouldn't have chips if you are slimming.
Yeah, I'll No.
No, chips.
Yeah.
I will have chips.
Yeah.
I love chips.
Or What about rice? As long as you have one shake for breakfast, one shake for lunch, you can have whatever you fancy for your tea.
Mmm, tastes good.
- It's really nice, is that.
- Mmm-hmm.
Can I have a quick look at the quiche? Moz: What you mean at least another hour? NICKl: We've still got to give statements to the police.
God.
Put Brian on, will you? Moz, it is carnage here.
There's bits of me Fiat Punto scattered all across Gorton High Street.
Listen, Brian, I've just seen Judith dragging another sack into the flat.
I'm sure it had a body in it.
Now by my reckoning, she's flatsharing with at least two corpses.
Get in there and investigate.
I've got to go.
I'll see you later.
Hi, I'm Helena, this is zack.
He's got cradle cap.
Moz, don't really wear a hat.
The other mums are through there, Nicki will be back soon.
Just leave your buggy at the landing.
Let's go chill with them other babies, eh? Bloody NCT.
What's in it for me? Hello, darling, I'm Rainbow.
Welcome to my NCT get-together.
Rainbow? Oh, I know, I know, it's a mad name.
My parents were hippies.
- What can you do? - What's your middle name? Sparrowhawk.
Fair dos.
Oh, would you be a darling and just hold him a sec.
Hello, son of Rainbow.
- What's your name? - Kevin.
Why don't you just fuck right off, you stupid, stupid twat? It's my ex, Kevin's dad, he's - He's a stupid twat.
- Sort of picked that up.
Oh, would you be a darling and make up his bottle? Put two scoops in 20 mils of cooled boiled water, stir well, top up with hot boiling water and shake for 20 seconds, thank you.
What could be simpler? Apart from breast-feeding.
Ready! All right, lads.
Look, I don't really think this is the best time.
Heard you're getting married, Morris.
That's a bit gay, innit? Look, what do you want? I'm busy with me mum.
And Helena and zack and Rainbow and Kevin and Jenny and little baby Jenny.
Today is the day we shoot our first porno.
- Eh? - It's all arranged.
You said we could use your flat.
No, I didn't.
I said you couldn't use it.
Think back.
No.
Oh, not in there, Paul.
I'm having it renovated by born-again builders.
They could be here any minute.
This is gonna be sick.
I mean, you can't make a porno with three fellows.
Unless it's bent enough.
Aren't you gonna need a lass? Carmel? All right.
- Looking for Colin? - Colin? No, Enrique is looking after me now.
Why would I be interested in Colin? Colin lied to me.
He used me.
And no one is ever gonna use me again.
I'm here to make a porn film.
Okay, sweetheart.
- You're up for it? - Sure.
- No problem.
- Nice.
Let's wait for the other señorita to turn up, and we're off.
It's a bathroom, Paul, not Pinewood Studios.
You gonna fit a cast of thousands in there? Oh, we have to have another lass, Moz.
It's gonna be FFM.
- FFM? - Female, female, male.
Or in this case, female, female, mouse.
Hi, Moz.
Hi, Paul.
- C.
H.
- Hi China, please tell me you're not gonna be FFM-ing.
Yeah! I'm gonna be a porn star.
Oh, what? You've never watched porn, then? Of course.
Look, one thin arm, one thick arm.
But have you thought through all this? Once you've made this film, it's gonna be on the Internet forever.
Come on, Moz, chill.
It's not like being a prostitute, is it? No, no, no.
Apart from the having-sex-for-money bit.
Well, what do you reckon to Nutrigulp? I said fuck off, you bastard! It's very flavoursome.
- Mmm.
- RAINBOW: Mmm.
Be good for when I've got the munchies.
Yes.
I think they're delicious.
And there's still quiche to come.
What about your boyfriend? What's Constable Knapweed gonna have to say? It'll be a surprise for him.
Yeah, not half.
He'll be surprised to tears.
Come on, then, let's get diddling.
See you later, Moz.
- I decided not to stay.
- Uh-huh.
Oh The other mums are through there.
Nicki will be back soon, just leave your buggy on the landing Hello, Moz.
What are you up to? There's an NCT meeting going on.
Toilet's out of order.
So, obviously, I shouldn't really let you be here.
NCT? Isn't that some fascist organisation? What? No! NCT! You know the Natural Children Team.
It's a post-natal support group, innit? Women sat around talking about their nipples.
No, in a good way.
- Is your bog shagged? - Hardcore.
- I'll take a look for you.
- No! Don't! Don't matter.
You know my dad's a plumber.
Specialised in toilets.
Yeah, I don't want to invalidate me guarantee, though, do I? Somebody in there? So it's not out of order.
It'll be one of the mums changing baby's nappy.
WOMAN: Oh, baby! By the way, congratulations.
Getting married, eh? Nicki been out with a megaphone or what? - Guess what? - You're leaving.
I'm thinking of asking China to marry us.
We could have a double wedding.
You sure you're not rushing into it? Don't you think you should find out a bit more about her first? Maybe I should Google her.
No.
So, time for a bong? OFFICER ON RADIO: Fire in progress at three properties on Marsden Road.
That'll be nowt.
Now spreading to adjacent fireworks warehouse.
Maybe I should show me face.
Have that bong first? Might seem a shade lax.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
I know.
I'll have a single skinner in the Panda on the way there.
See you, fellow.
Light a sparkler for me.
Moz, have you got a cloth or something? Jenny's been sick on your bed.
Well, never mind.
Not be a big stain.
Yeah, it is.
I had 10 Bacardi and blacks last night.
All right.
All right, Col.
- On probation? - What? Yeah.
Carmel's not here.
Yeah, I didn't think she would be.
You going to let us in then or what? Look, I'm very busy.
I just need to buy a big load of weed.
Soz, Col, I'm out of stock.
Buy some weed? - You? - Yeah.
You do know I'm not accepting loUs, payments in kind or painted rocks.
No cash, no hash.
Eighty quid.
My life savings.
I got to smoke myself moronic.
I got to switch me brain off.
Yeah.
It's a pity they're not still showing Watercolour Challenge, innit? Without Carmel, everything's turned to crud.
It was going so well and all.
I was really enjoying watching her spread her wings.
- Spread her what? - I just wish I could see Carmel now.
No, you don't.
It'd make me feel better.
Wouldn't bank on it.
No, you don't understand.
I could be completely honest with Carmel.
Col, she was an amnesiac.
And you told her you were in a long-term relationship together.
Now that's not exactly what you'd call weapons-grade honesty, is it? Love means never having to tell the truth.
Look, Col.
Soz, I've got to go.
I'll sell you some weed tomorrow, yeah? At least I've still got my probation.
Right, we're done.
That were quick.
Not nearly quick enough, mind.
Cartoon Head.
Looking pleased with yourself.
Where'd you snatch her? Until next time, Morris.
There ain't gonna be a next time.
We'll see.
Bye, Moz.
Thanks for having us.
I'm the only one who hasn't had you.
So, uh, you all right? Sure, I'm all right.
- Why wouldn't I be? - I don't know.
Just been filmed having a threesome in a toilet with a girl you've never met and a mouse-masked man.
When you see Colin, are you gonna tell him about this? I don't think this is the sort of thing that necessarily sticks in me mind.
You all right? What do you want? I'm Enrique.
I've come to collect Carmel.
- Did you get the money? - Yeah, sure.
Blimey! You Spanish are pretty chilled.
Most British boyfriends would go mental if their bird appeared in a bluie.
I'm not Spanish.
I'm Catalan, you fuck dick.
And I'm not her boyfriend.
I'm her manager.
Yeah? Well, I'm not a fuck dick.
I'm a fuck wit.
I like to be insulted correctly in me own house.
Goodbye, Moz.
Ciao, bella.
I'm just nipping to the loo.
Eh, I reckon I got three new recruits in there.
Be careful.
Floor might be slippery.
I should have bungee roped myself to that door today.
- Afternoon, chief.
- It's us.
Now, you're probably wondering why we haven't turned up here to work today.
It has been preying on my mind.
Flooded kitchen at one of Rupani's flats in Swinton.
Nightmare.
But we're back here in the morning, God willing.
I've been looking after me children's group anyway.
Born-again mums and just born-the-once babies.
But, eh, not a word to Mrs Rupani.
You can count on me, Moz.
Now, Mrs Rupani's given me a key to your flat.
But I don't just like letting meself in, so I'll leave it with you.
And we'll borrow it if we need to nip out for stuff, okay? What's the other key for? It's for that flat, doing that one next.
Let yourself in, have a snoop round if you fancy.
That'd be mad, won't it? Imagine God Bless You.
See you tomorrow.
I sprayed your Glade about, but I'd still give it a few more minutes.
That's the only trouble with Nutrigulp.
It does take you way beyond regular.
- Does it? - Hmm.
Well, it's good catching up with all your news.
Oh, and when you've got a houseful of kiddies, should you be leaving this about? Yeah.
It's a Black and Decker help-mate.
You know, for unblocking your U-bend.
God, what a mental day.
You know me, I hate drama.
Sorry, Moz, I forgot my keys.
How come everybody knows we're getting married? 'Cause I've been telling them.
That's what you do with good news.
You tell people.
Have you told anyone? There's nobody left to tell.
Looks like you've got the Greater Manchester area covered.
I can make up some flash cards for the deaf community.
Don't, I'm not in the mood.
All I want is a cup of tea.
Make us one, will you? It's been a nightmare.
It still is.
Oh, hi, Moz, Brian.
Just going to town, sorry.
Hi, hi.
Hear you're back working at the body shop.
Plenty of perks for you there, eh? What? Soz, Judith.
We're all a bit on edge today, 'cause flat's full of cute little babies.
Lots of dribbling and moaning in the living room.
And in t'bathroom.
You gonna be gone long? I mean, going far? Um, just into town.
I'm buying some satsumas.
Sorry.
Smashing.
- See you.
- Bye.
- Just try one.
- No, Sheila.
I'm sorry, but this is wrong.
Women shouldn't be on a diet when they are breast-feeding.
Even if you're trying to lose weight? That is my point.
You shouldn't be trying to lose weight right now.
It's not good for your health, is it? It's obvious.
Yeah, but what about your mental health? 'Cause the thinner you are, the happier you are.
Hmm? A skinny Biafran.
There's nowt on the packet about not having it when you're breast-feeding.
That's because it's all in Chinese! Give it here.
Mmm! Is that whisky flavour? Yeah, 10-year-old malt.
Sheila, this is supposed to be a post-natal group.
Not bloody Weight Watchers.
I've still had a really lovely time.
Except when I vomited.
You've got this far.
Come on.
It's gonna be fine.
It's a synergetic, vita-mineral compound shake that's scientifically stuffed with a perfect mix of vitamins and minerals to help you reach your target weight.
How do you know that? Can you read Mandarin? Can any of you? Why did Moz let you do this? Moz! I'll take 10 boxes, ta.
Okey-dokey.
Brian! What, I'm not breast-feeding, am I? You don't do a Malibu one, do you? It's not gonna be a corpse.
It's not gonna be a corpse.
No! God, no! It's awful.
Jesus, I would've preferred a corpse.
Hello, gorgeous.
How do? Moz! I thought you were out searching for satsumas.
I forgot my purse, sorry.
Um How did you get in? Love will find a way.
Love? I assumed it were mutual.
'Cause I couldn't help noticing that big clay head in the alcove.
It's not Lionel Richie's.
Oh oh, right.
Um I haven't finished you off yet.
There's still time.
Um, he needs some ears.
What? How did you get in? Let's not worry about that right now.
Come on.
It's time.
Would you like your tea in bed? I am cocking furious! Isn't he scrawny? Judith, what a surprise.
Great to see you.
I'm gonna turn China into a porn star.