In Living Color (1990) s03e03 Episode Script

- [No Audible Dialogue.]
- [Clears Throat.]
We have a very full agenda today.
Let's get started.
- Justice Thomas, take your seat, please.
- Uh, sure.
Just call me Clarence.
Just makin' sure everybody had a hot cup of coffee.
Just wanna make sure everyone's happy.
You know me.
Nothin' wrong with kissin' a little butt.
Thank you, Justice.
Okay.
Our first case is the State of Washington versus.
.
.
Kareem Johnson.
.
.
discrimination.
- Nay.
- Nay.
Double nay.
Don't you even want to discuss the case, Justice Thomas? Oh, come on.
The guy's a whiner.
You let one black guy complain about discrimination.
.
.
and the next thing you know you have the.
.
.
[Scoffing.]
State of Washington v.
Kool & The Gang.
[Laughing.]
Let 'em get a job the old-fashioned way.
Let 'em earn it.
Uh, you want another bran muffin? - I could use some more coffee, Clarence.
- Sure thing.
Okay.
Let's move on to the case of Springfield Police Department versus.
.
.
Hector Rodriguez Gonzales.
- [Clearing Throat.]
- Justice Thomas.
Uh, me? Uh, well, uh.
.
.
how are the rest of you guys gonna vote? - I'm voting for the police department.
- Oh, yeah.
Right, right.
Yeah, the police department.
I mean, come on.
They fired four warning shots.
Unfortunately, three of them hit the guy.
But, hey, if you're gonna jaywalk in front of Winchell's, don't come cryin' to us.
I say, uh, whatever the rest of you guys say.
Justice Thomas, I realize this is your first day.
.
.
but you've got to relax.
Take it easy.
You're going to be here for the rest of your life.
Uh, wait a minute.
Um, I have this job for the rest of my life? You're just like Daryl Gates.
They can't get rid of you.
So-So-So.
.
.
So, let me get this straight.
No matter what I do, no matter who I piss off, I'm here to stay? - More or less, yes.
- Oh, man! - Justice Thomas! - I'd love a refill on my coffee.
Yo, man, you better get out of my face.
This ain't no damn Denny's.
Get it yourself.
Excuse me, baby.
Now let's get back to this case involving my main man, Rodriguez.
Now this is clearly a case of"po-lice" brutality.
Five minutes ago, you were against him.
Yeah, well, five minutes ago, I was a black judge appointed by Bobo, the white president.
- Well, what are you now? - I'm your darkest nightmare.
.
.
a black judge with a powerful hung jury.
- Clarence! - [Imitating Sidney Poitier.]
You call me Mister Thomas.
This is a complete outrage! The unmitigated gall! You have betrayed everyone who worked to put you on this court.
Look here, man, I don't know what you said.
.
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but I am awfully sorry.
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.
I guess you thought you knew Clarence Thomas.
- [Soul.]
- I bet you all sittin' here right now sayin' to yourselves.
.
.
Who's the black Supreme Court judge Who's a rights machine for the brothers - Thomas - Clarence Thomas - They say this cat Thomas is a bad mother.
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.
- Shut your mouth! - But I'm just talkin' about Clarence.
- [All.]
We can dig it! He's a complicated man And nobody understands him but his woman - Court adjourned - [Justices.]
Right on! Now, see here! If you leave, don't come back! This is unacceptable! This is unacceptable! - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Adiós, señorita.
[Shouting, Indistinct.]
¡A y.
! ¡Dios mío.
! Thief! Stop! Those men.
.
.
they stole my fruit.
! If only El Rocketeer were here to save me.
[Dramatic.]
[Power Blast.]
[Both Laughing.]
[Groans.]
[Engine Fires.]
- [Gasps.]
- Who was that hombre? And where the hell did he come from? Gracias, Rocketeer.
Gracias.
[Announcer, Spanish Accent.]
He is the lawand order from the south of the border.
He is El Grande y Spectacular Muchacho Rocketeer.
Coming this summerto theaters everywhere.
And look for your El Muchacho Rocketeer glasses and mugs.
.
.
at your participatingTaco Bell and Del Taco.
- [Bullhorn Blares.]
- All right, people.
Freeze! Now, this is Al Macafee, your metal shop teacher.
Now, I got a dirty job to do, so listen up, kids.
The local school board has ordered me to distribute condoms to you students.
Personally, I don't get it.
You can't say a prayer in front of you kids.
.
.
but it's okay for me to teach you how to Saran Wrap your jolly parts.
Here, take 'em.
Take as many as you like.
See what I care.
But let me tell you somethin', missy.
You are drag racin' with a loaded gun.
I'm gonna call your parents and tell 'em what you're up to.
- Mr.
Macafee, I don't even want these.
- Yeah, I'm not fooled.
I was young once too.
I know what it's like to be a.
.
.
steaming cauldron of lust.
.
.
wantin' it.
.
.
burnin' for it.
Lying in bed at night.
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.
those cold sheets rubbin' against your.
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.
soft, hot, prepubescent flesh.
- You're sick! - You can't fool the Mac Man, baby! I know you're just a one-woman welcome wagon for the incoming freshmen.
What's this? Why don't you take a hike, you little trollop.
Now, how many times have I told you about fraternizing between classes, Hardison? - What the hell is this? - Geez, Mr.
Macafee.
Those are crib notes for my math class.
Yeah? I'll be the judge of this.
"The input of the square root into 'Y "'.
.
.
"The angle of the hypotenuse is equal to".
.
.
Why, this is smut, mister.
Mr.
Macafee, now I'll never figure out that problem.
This is the kind of problem you should be trying to figure out on your wedding night.
- Four eyes.
- You've ruined everything.
Well, maybe I'd better give you Mr.
Macafee's speech on "permiscuity.
" - [Whimpering, Crying.]
- When you think with your crotch, you're gonna end up crotchety.
Just remember that one of those nights when you got a party in your pants.
Get outta here.
[No Audible Dialogue.]
Now, this is what I like to see.
.
.
a couple of young, spirited bucks getting ready to play one of your boyish pranks.
- "Young Buck's" my middle name, Mr.
Macafee.
- I know what you're doin'.
Heck, I used to love to do a little bit of that myself when I was a lad.
You're gonna fill 'em up with water, take 'em on the roof, throw 'em off, huh, boys? Well, we was goin' to the roof.
There you go.
Take as many as you like.
Go ahead, boys.
Have a good time.
- Wow.
You're kind of firm.
You been workin' out, son? - [Both.]
Thank you, Mr.
Macafee.
Bye-bye now.
- Oh, stop right there, princess.
- Back off, Macafee.
You know, the combination of Al "Mac-a-licious" Macafee and fine American latex.
.
.
can be quite intoxicating.
What do you say we take a couple of these babies out and see what they can do.
Kind of push the envelope.
I got a bottle of baby oil in my locker.
[Snorting.]
I wouldn't be in a room with you and one of those things.
.
.
if I could watch you pull it over your big head and suffocate.
It's this, huh, baby? The old bum hip.
Well, let me tell you something.
When a man loses the use of one of his appendages.
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all the others work that much harder.
You know, they used to call me Lizard Tongue.
[Snaps.]
You didn't know that, did you? Oh, she wants me.
Excuse me, young lady.
What seems to be the problem? Don't you want any prophylactics, honey? Gee, Mr.
Macafee, I don't really have any use for them.
Yeah, I understand.
I guess you just aren't having much luck with the boys, huh, honey? I tell you what.
There's your problem, little lady.
You're out of shape.
A few hundred sit-ups in the morning will burn that beer belly right off.
You know, I think it's time you heard Mr.
Macafee's speech on courtship.
Boys don't make passes at girls with fat asses.
- Now take a lesson! - [Crying.]
Hey, Macafee, man.
You know, I really dig what you're doin' with this condom thing.
Well, thanks, son.
You got quite a hell of a grip there.
Yeah, man.
A lot of teachers.
.
.
they make us feel weird about this kind of stuff.
But, see, you cool, man.
You down with the brothers.
Thanks a lot, my boy.
Yeah.
I think when the kids need somebody to talk to.
.
.
they know they can always turn to me, Al Macafee.
- [Bullhorn Blares.]
- All right.
Carry on, kids! - [Man Speaking.]
- [House.]
[Woman Singing.]
[Ends.]
I'll never forget the first time I kissed a girl.
It was in the backseat of my dad's old Impala.
Yeah, man.
Makin'outin your old man's car.
My dad had a Volkswagen.
I couldn't do much of anything in the backseat of that thing.
The first time I did it, I was in a little red Corvette.
.
.
with Sheena Easton and Vanity.
Or was that Morris? Ooh-ee - Butt out, man.
- [Squeal.]
The craziest thing I ever did was break up with my high school sweetheart.
[Chuckles.]
Man, when it comes to women,we're always doin'something crazy.
I know what you mean.
One time, I poured chocolate all over Sheila E.
Or was that Morris? [Squeal.]
- [Squeal.]
- Butt out, man.
[Low Yelp.]
Man, you really wanna turn a girl on, put on some Luther Vandross.
Oh, man.
That works with some girls.
But the guy who really gets 'em goin' is RickJames.
You're both wrong.
Whenever I want a woman to get wild.
.
.
all I have to do is.
.
.
[Funk.]
Bet your bottom dollar Ooh That I can make you feel all right And if I make ya holler Yeah-ooh Just grit your teeth and hold on tight I got a hole in my jeans Watch, you guys.
Yeah, yeah [Vocalizing.]
[Announcer.]
Butt OutJeans by Prince.
They're everythingthey're cracked up to be.
Salima! Salima Jones! Girl! I see you walkin' past my booth, Miss Thing.
You better come on over here and get some of Miss Benita's gumbo.
Salima! Hey! I'm glad you could make it.
We don't get to have too many carnivals here in the projects.
.
.
because they can't always get the metal detectors.
But when they do, you know Miss Benita's gonna be here with my famous gumbo.
'Cause everybody love my gumbo.
Mm! Mm! Look! There go Cletha Watkins.
She the one that organized the whole thing.
Cletha! Cletha! Ooh, that girl's deaf as the day is long.
Ain't been right since that curlin' iron set fire to the side of her head.
Cletha! Cletha! Ooh, girl! What's that I see on your finger? [Laughing.]
Don't tell me Tyrone finally proposed to you? Oh, girl, I'm so happy for you.
Now it's your turn to wait in line at the justice of peace.
She need to be waitin' in line at the free clinic.
Damn tramp had more men in her jeans than Calvin Klein.
I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard it from me.
No, you haven't.
Oh, look-a there! There go Luther, Luther Evans.
Luther! Luther! You lookin' for your little Thelma? She's sittin' right over there with the youth group all by herself.
Yeah, that girl know better than mess with them triflin' boys.
More like them boys know better than to mess with her.
Girl so ugly, her mama had to get drunk just to breast-feed her.
Hair all patchy.
Hair all patchy like some crows been pickin' at it.
And with that lazy eye, you can't tell if she lookin' at your head or your feet.
And you let keep eatin' them scooter pies.
Already take the girl three days to reach around and scratch her own ass.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard it from me.
No, you haven't.
Ooh, look, look! There go Loretha! Loretha! Mm! Mm! Loretha! Mm! Mm! Loretha! Girl! How you doin'? You got your little Tyrone with you.
Hey, Tee-Tee Ty-Tyroney.
How you doin', Tyrone? Oh! Loretha, girl, I hear you hit the number.
I betcha you played [Laughing.]
Girl, you always said those were your lucky numbers.
[Laughing, Gasping.]
Her unlucky numbers is more like it.
Mm-hmm.
"Ten" for how many years her husband been in prison.
"Thirty-four" for how old she says she is.
"Forty-three" for how old she really is.
And "six," that's how many years that dumb-ass Tyrone been in the third grade.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
No, you haven't.
No, you haven't.
Look like everybody's packin' up to leave this carnival.
Do you think this gumbo gonna keep overnight? 'Cause, you know, I got the recipe from Mrs.
Jenkins.
[Crying.]
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord.
Mrs.
Jenkins.
Don't nobody better say nothin' bad about Mrs.
Jenkins, honey.
'Cause that's when Miss Benita go off! I loves me some Miss Jenkins, honey.
She like a second mother to me.
Mm-hmm.
She said, "Miss Benita".
.
.
She said, " This recipe has been passed down.
.
.
"from my mother to me to you.
I'm passin' history.
" That ain't all she passin'.
Woman's gas so stink, it'll peel the skin off a potato.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard it from me.
No, you haven't.
Well, I guess I got to be goin'.
Ladies and gentlemen.
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.
Shakespeare in the Park is proud to present.
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Romeo and Juliet.
[Renaissance.]
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
O Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo? - Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? - [Man.]
Hey.
! Hey, what's goin' on? What's all this racket about? Can't a man use the bathroom in privacy? You know, these leaves ain't too good for the skin.
They got thorns in it.
Just keep going.
Improvise.
Improvise.
Um, Hark.
I see thou hast brought forth a friend.
Hark.
I see thou has brought forth two friends.
If you bend any lower, I'm gonna revert back to childhood.
[Cackling.]
Get off the stage.
This is a play, you idiot.
Oh.
Well, y'all in luck.
.
.
'cause I just happen to be an actor.
But what soft wind breaks through yonder buttocks? It is I, the Aroma from Verona.
.
.
or maybe those Vienna sausages I had.
Go away.
My bounty is as boundless as the sea.
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my love as deep, the more I give to thee.
Well, I can't see your bounty from here.
.
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but if it's anything like that cleavage, I'm in love.
Juliet, I know not this man.
.
.
- nor do I understand of what he speaks.
- Ah! Oh, well, maybe I should speak more Shakespearean then.
To pee, or not to pee? That is the question.
Oops.
There's the answer.
"Get thee to a nunnery!" Hamlet.
1613.
Oh, well.
"Kiss my black ass.
" Richard Pryor.
1978.
That's it! This is balderdash! I just cannot work like this.
I swear to God, I could just strangle you.
[Juliet.]
Oh! I bet you'd prefer to choke my chicken.
[Cackling.]
Ladies and gentlemen.
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the part of Romeo shall be played by moi.
.
.
Anton Jackson.
Excuse me.
Let me get into costume.
Friends, Romans, countrymen.
Lend me a dollar.
[Cackling.]
O Romeo, Romeo.
Up here, Romeo.
Oh, Juliet.
Juliet, you are the queen of my heart.
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the flower of my garden.
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the booger in my eye.
Ah, sir, this is one shrew you shall not tame.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Yeah, you better part, bitch.
That bitch.
That bitch.
My kingdom for a bitch.
Come, bitter conduct.
Come, unsavory guide.
Thou desperate pilot.
Here's to my love.
O true apothecary.
[Audience Laughing.]
Shakespeare always made my mouth moist.
Thy drugs are quick.
Thus with a kiss I die.
Or get high.
[Cackling.]
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
No, no, no, no.
- [Audience Cheering.]
- I got my eye on you.
Thank you very much.
You know, ultimately, I'd like to direct.
[Theme.]
Hey, yo! Thanks for the laughs.
Yo, Twist, tell 'em what to do.
- Tune in next week.
- Peace out, y'all.
- You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color You for me and me.
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.