Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s03e03 Episode Script

The defendant is accused of committing a heinous crime.
You gentlemen of the jury are facing a grave responsibility.
Thank you, gentlemen.
All right, please follow me to the jury room.
Supposed to be the hottest day of the year.
Yep.
Okay, gentlemen, everybody's here.
If there's anything you want, I'll be outside.
Just knock.
How'd you like it? I don't know.
It's pretty interesting.
I've never been on a jury before.
I was falling asleep but, uh It's a pretty open and shut case, so We should be out of here soon, I think.
All right, let's get started.
Okay, gentlemen Can we take our seats, please? Yeah, let's do this fast.
I got tickets to the Adam Levine, Blake Shelton concert.
They're touring together? Yeah, it's called the "Garbage Dick" tour.
Uh, okay, gentlemen We could do this, um, one of a couple ways.
We could discuss and then vote, or we could vote right now, see where we stand.
Or, you know we could, uh, get in a circle on the floor and give each other shoulder massages.
I'm a little tight.
I think it's customary to take a preliminary vote.
Yeah, let's vote.
Yeah, um, who knows? Maybe we can all go home.
Okay.
Uh, so it's got to be a 12 to nothing, vote, either way, that's the law.
So, gentlemen, raise your hands, please, if you think that Amy Schumer is not hot enough to be on television.
One Two, three, four, five Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven That's eleven votes for Amy Schumer Not hot enough for television.
And anybody voting the other way? Are you kidding me? I think she might be hot enough.
Boy, oh boy, there's always one.
Golly, that is unexpected.
And, and when's lunch? So, I guess I'm gonna miss that Shelton, "meet and greet" that I paid for.
You paid for that? Okay, so, so what do we do now? I guess we talk.
Ugh! You really think she's attractive? - I don't know.
- Let's be reasonable.
You sat in that courtroom and saw the same potato face we did for three months.
Come on.
This isn't complicated.
It's just another example of an average-looking chick who watched too much Top Model.
Now she thinks she belongs on the cover of Fuckable magazine.
I mean, I was convinced from the first day.
I'm I'm actually not familiar with Fuckable magazine.
- It's "metaphoral.
" - He just means she looks like a-an uncooked wiener.
I was convinced too.
Well, who wasn't? Look, what the heck do you want? I just want to talk.
I wanna ask you something.
- Would you bang her? - All I'm saying is, it's not easy for me to raise my hand and end a girl's life without talking about it first.
What do you mean, "End her life"? Well, her appearance - So, her life.
- It's an undisputed fact that a woman's value is mostly - determined by her looks.
- As it should be.
What do you think we'll get for lunch? - Hot dogs? - That's true.
Look at Susan Boyle, right? The voice of an angel, but because she looks like an 18th century paperboy, we treat her like toilet shoes.
Come on! Can we just vote and get this over with? Blake's probably in the middle of singing Hillbilly Bone right now.
All right, gentlemen, uh, we should probably remind ourselves at this point that today's vote decides if Amy Schumer is hot enough to be on the television.
If we decide that she is not bangable, then she's gonna lose her television show, or be put to immediate death.
Or both.
I'm I you know To be honest, I kind of I zoned out during that part.
Look, I'm just saying I'm undecided, is all.
I'm open to the idea, but I want to be convinced.
So maybe you all who seem so certain could try to convince me.
Oh, I don't know! When I was her age, girls felt lucky if you just winked at 'em and let them make you a tuna melt.
Hear, hear! Now they all think they deserve TV shows.
You got, uh Mindy Nightmare, and The Lena Girl Holocaust Hour.
Let me ask you a question, where's Megan Fox's talk show? I'd see a Kate Upton sitcom.
Okay, but are those girls funny? Well, no women are funny.
But, you know, if you have to hear them blab, they'd better at least be hot.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
But they're not gonna get shows.
You know why? There's no room left! All the slots have been taken by these manatees.
Now, this Amy Schumer's gonna be in a movie? I mean, we gotta stop this! A movie? That's too much.
She's starring in it? I definitely don't think she's protagonist hot.
But Kevin James is? I don't need to think about fucking him.
That's why they hire hot chicks to stand around him while he's talking.
I thoroughly enjoyed Here Comes the Boom.
Maybe she doesn't have to not be on TV at all.
You know, maybe she could play somebody like a wacky neighbor, or a divorced obese woman with a funny dog.
Look, the point is the more she's out there flaunting that chipmunk face, the more her type becomes acceptable.
Yeah.
People get confused.
It could throw the standard off for shows everywhere! Yeah, they'll be thinking that quirky-looking dump trucks are okay to broadcast all over the dial.
We can't let her do that.
Less Melissa McCarthy and more Jenny McCarthy.
Yeah, she is the funny one.
Remember when she convinced us not to vaccinate our kids against easily-preventable diseases? That was hilarious.
You know, I was in my prime in the '70s, when everybody had a shit body.
Every woman looked fuckable.
We were all hairy, and sweaty, and we screwed all the time.
It wasn't so bad.
I will say this, when I was a child in my country watching Facts of Life, sometimes I would pleasure myself off to the not-hot one.
I didn't even like the hot one.
What was her name? Blair.
Natalie.
- Blair.
- Blair.
Blair.
- Blair.
- Blair.
Wait, did you say Natalie? Obviously Not Natalie.
Natalie? Come on.
Fuck you guys! I always thought Miss Garrett had a certain je ne sais quois.
Clearly, it's subjective.
I'm a Jo guy.
Ooh.
I forgot about Jo.
She would break you in two.
Look, we've all at some point in our lives gotten a semi for a girl with a pillowy stomach or muppet tits.
And that's all the system demands for us to acquit Amy.
Does she give us a reasonable chub? Not me.
I want to call for a vote by secret ballot.
I'll abstain.
If there are still 11 votes against her, then we'll make it a guilty verdict and call it a day.
If anyone votes "hot enough" We'll stay and talk this thing out.
I like the sound of that.
Uh, here.
Pad, pad take one, pass these around.
Uh, thank you very much, thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Um Let's see what we got here.
That's "wouldn't bang.
" "Not hot.
" "No.
" Uh, "no.
Also, fuck you guys.
"Natalie is hot.
" Mmm, I think this is just a picture of Blake Shelton? Oh, that's a That's a "no.
" And finally "Hot enough.
" Somebody's changed their vote to "Amy Schumer is hot enough.
" "Adam Levine just sang Moves Like Jagger with his shirt off.
" Come on! So, somebody's changed their vote to "Amy Schumer is hot enough for TV.
" All right, who is it? Come on! I wanna know who's wasting our time! Hey, hey, we agreed to a secret ballot, okay? It was you, wasn't it? Makes sense! Where you come from, they worship elephants! We don't worship elephants.
One of our gods has an elephant face.
And a human body! His body is human, okay? It's on a human body! Ah, bologna! Bologna! He's got a human body! It was me! Would you like to know why? I think she'd be grateful to get a slip of the old prosciutto.
Might be a turn-on.
You get a tight little number like Angela Lansbury, she'd just lay there entitled.
Schumer'd probably work for it.
The dying man is right.
A desperate girl like that will just beg you for it.
I see his point.
What plumps my frank is when a girl can't do better than me.
Right, like when they're accessible.
Like, uh, Rosario Dawson.
Or Jennifer Aniston.
She would shatter you in half.
Can we talk about facts, please? You're all talking about opinions, but there are facts that tell us definitively that this woman is objectively not appealing.
Yes, let's talk about facts.
I'll give you a fact.
She's a filthy whore-mouth! Just look at her stand-up set list.
When a woman talks like a sailor, that's not hot! That's unnatural! Just look at the words she uses to remember her so-called "jokes.
" Look at this, "reversible condoms.
" "Boner soufflé.
" "Pinecone pussy.
" Yeah, that's only three.
But there are about 30 words on here that have nothing to do with sex.
Uh, "first dates, airports, Obama Muslim," see? Plus, just because she talks about sex doesn't mean she sleeps around.
Well, then she's worse than a whore.
She's a tease! Clowning around up on stage, yapping about her clam without using it.
Exactly! Why else would she have that dildo they found in her green room? - Yes! - Hmm? You tell me that! That supposedly hot and fuckable girl, huh? The one she bought that was the size of a midget's fist! Why do you need one of those if guys wanna fuck you, hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Let's talk about that! All right, let's talk about it.
Let's get it in here and take a look at it.
You wanna see the dildo? You wanna see the dildo, - he's gonna see the dildo.
- We all know what it looks like, but what are we gonna get from seeing it again? I'm sick of it.
I've seen it 10 times! - I'm sick of it! - The gentleman has a right to see the exhibits in evidence.
A dildo is pretty good evidence no one will pork her.
God, it looks like a femur.
I mean, why even make those things? Women don't need orgasms.
That's science.
Lots of people have them.
I have one.
- Hey, what's the big idea! - Whoa! - What are you playing at? - Oh, bother.
It's my wife's.
She doesn't use it because she's alone.
Quite the opposite, actually.
We use it, and we love it.
He must be hung like a hamster.
I am perfectly average.
And I have a donkey dick.
Hey, let's take another vote.
If anybody thinks that Amy Schumer shouldn't be on the TV 'cause she's not hot enough for whatever reason Raise your hands.
And those who think that she is hot enough? You're on board with the toad now? I wanted to fuck Natalie, from Facts of Life.
I did.
I wanted to fuck her, and I wanted to fall asleep with my head on her stomach.
And Amy is hotter than Natalie, so I'm sorry But I'd fuck both of 'em! And I wanna fuck Blake Shelton.
Has the world gone mad? This girl thinks she deserves to be on camera? She's not a 10! Maybe you're not a 10 either.
- Fuck you, man! - Hey, hey, hey! Fuck you, man! Fuck you! Do you really mean that? Do you really want to fuck me? Or are you just being a tease? So, you just carry that around wherever you go? In case a dildo-based argument breaks out? So, we've now voted 16 more times, and the vote now stands at 9 to 3 in favor of Amy Schumer is hot enough.
So we're kind of in a In a pickle here.
I'm willing to listen to your arguments, I just still don't have a reasonable chub.
And honestly, I'm losing faith that you're gonna be able to convince me to have one.
Do you wear your glasses when you watch television at night? Like, when you're in bed before you go to sleep? Not always.
Why? Do we really need to look at her again? She's built like a lineman, and she has Cabbage Patch-like features.
Her ass makes me furious! I mean, it's just sitting there, like an asshole.
And her mouth! It's so small.
How does a girl get so big with a mouth that small? How far away is your TV from your bed? - I'd say about 10 feet.
- Okay.
I'm gonna measure out 10 feet.
Oh, for crying out loud! - This is a circus! - Nine 10.
Take a look at her now.
What do you think? Pass.
Okay, fine.
Take your glasses off.
When you're in bed, do you drink? Every night until I black out.
- What of it? - Yeah, what of it? So, you're laying in bed drunk.
You don't have your glasses on, so some of her flaws are softened.
- Correct.
- So, you're just seeing a general blondeness.
And legs, and boobs, and, presumably, a vagina.
Presumably.
If you left your glasses off Isn't it possible you would consider at least a few exploratory tugs? I would.
I have a reasonable chub.
Excuse me.
This doesn't mean anything.
I got perfect eyesight.
She never stops looking like John C.
Reilly to me.
Why can't we have Marilyn Monroe back, huh? Do you know what size Marilyn Monroe was? - She was an eight! - So? - Amy's a six.
- I don't give a damn! Do you have a reasonable chub? - Get out of my face! - Do you have a reasonable chub? - No! - Let's see it! Prove it! - He does.
- That's a chub.
It's a full chub.
God help me.
Am I the only one thinking with his dick? Just look at her! This isn't someone I wanna see come out of a bathroom at Penn Station, let alone on my TV in my home! What, 'cause they can tell a joke they think that's gonna make you forget they have an ass on 'em like a mom on disability, huh? Oh, 'cause she's a little charming, and insightful? And her, her hair smells like apple pie You're gonna secretly fall in love with her? And ask her to prom.
And you're gonna turn me down? You fucking bitch, Tonya! Why didn't you like me back? Why? You All right.
She can be on TV.
I'd bang her! Basic cable.
Okay, gentlemen Gather your coats and come along with me.
Oh, Your Honor! Oh, Amy.
I didn't see you there.
I thought you were a garden gnome.
Well, the verdict is in.
The jury agreed that they would bang you.
Yes! You're hot enough for basic cable television.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you so much! Oh, wait a minute, where are you going? They've all left.
I'm going to get my dildo.
I'd give that ass a four.
- Did you ever see 12 Angry Men? - No.
- Have you heard of it? - Yes.
Good enough.
- Did you ever see 12 Angry Men? - Yeah, I read the play.
Do you think people wanna see a remake of a '50s play, um, because we told Comedy Central that the answer was "yes.
" - Did you ever see 12 Angry Men? - Yeah.
Wouldn't you love to see, like a remake of that? - No.
- Shut up! Who's your favorite girl on Facts of Life? Natalie? All right.
A man who stands in his power.
Do you think that you have to be hot to be on TV? - Kind of, yeah.
- Yeah.
Who's the hottest woman on TV? Sofia Vergata? Sofia Vergata? Vergara? Modern Family woman.
Sofia Vergara and her accent, her boobs.
Do you think she's funny? Uh, not entirely, no.
Okay, okay.
But you're happy when you see her come on-screen? Yes.
Would you watch a talk show if it were hosted by Kate Upton? I mean, yeah, for Kate Upton.
- Kate Middleton? - Yeah.
- Mary-Kate Olsen? - No.
"Kate Plus 8.
" I have no idea what that is.
What are we gonna get Can we see the dildo, please? Cut.
Let's get that one more time.
He frightened me.
It's my - Mmm-hmm.
- Pork her.
You're hot enough for basic cable television.
But I was on trial for vehicular manslaughter.
Uh Let's-let's, uh Let's talk about it.
Now, you give me one of those.
Oh, right! Um What about the fuck? She's built like a lineman, and she has Cabbage Patch-like features.
Her ass makes me furious! It's just Sitting there like an assho And then there's her mouth! Keep going, I'm fine.
He's still in the So easy! Mmm, magic! So, what is the average in America? Is it that, or That's bigger than average, right? Hmm-mmm? I'll google it.