It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e03 Episode Script

That's a greatlooking set of knives, pal.
Where'd you get those? This old magician was trying to unload 'em.
Oh, so they're like magical trick knives or Well, the knives are real.
Mm-hmm.
They're used for magical tricks.
But they're real.
You know what I mean? They're sharp too.
Oh, I'll show you.
Hey, Dee.
Can you get up against the wall? I'm just gonna Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
You're not throwing knives at me.
Let's just throw them at her regardless.
I'll tell you No! Yeah, you know what? Start running.
'Cause we're coming.
Oh, my God.
Don't you dare.
Ten, nine, eight No.
No, no, no.
No.
No.
Seven, six, five Okay! Listen up, everybody! In the middle of somethin'! Frank, we're in the middle of something very important! I got news! Your mother is dead! Yeah, right.
Nice try.
Very funny, Frank.
I'm serious this time.
She had a botched neck lift.
She's as dead as disco.
Who wants champagne? I am so sorry.
My apologies.
I am so busy today.
It's good to see all of you.
That's quite all right, sir.
Don't worry about it.
Listen.
Would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother? No.
Just, you know, get to the reading part.
Let's get on with it, man.
Let's go.
All right.
Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds? Yo.
Okay.
Uh, Frank, I have something here that I need to read to you from Barbara.
Hmm.
"Frank, if your "fat monkey heart is still beating "Then congratulations.
"I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children.
" What? What? Bruce Mathis? "A handsome man "with a beautiful soul And a nicer penis.
" You're giving all my money to that jerkoff? You know, Mr.
Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document, okay? Why are you giving it to him? I'm not giving She barely knew him! Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody.
You see? I'm just reading what's on a will.
Where is that rat bastard? Sir, I don't know.
Because I want to smash his face until he's dead! Killed dead! Killed dead! Frank, would you forget about Bruce? I wanna kill him! Mom just gave away all of our money! You know what? We should just move forward, okay? "For my darling son, Dennis" Hmm? Presumably.
Uh, "I give you my house.
" Yeah, okay.
Well Yeah.
Now it's startin' to make sense.
Read on.
"On the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in.
" I would never let him in.
What? "Deandra Yes? "You get nothing.
You were a disappointment and a mistake.
" A mistake? We're twins.
Yeah.
We were born at the same time.
What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense! Okay I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, okay? I don't know your mom.
Never met your mom.
In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now.
Because she's dead.
Yeah, we know she's dead! We're venting because we're frustrated.
You tell her she's a goddamn whore! Okay, I Always been a whore! What about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry? It does say something about the jewelry in here Okay.
In that, um, she wants to be buried in it.
Goddamn it! Oh! Oh! Oh, goddamn it! She's taking it into the grave! I tell you what, you son of a bitch.
I am very disappointed in you today.
Very upset with you.
You're angry.
You tell her for me that I will be in touch with her somehow.
Yeah! Tell her she's a bitch! These are awkward situations often.
And I know it can be difficult.
Hey.
Thanks for the house, dude.
You know You know, I didn't give you the house.
That's not how this whole situation works.
Yeah, you did! Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
Hey.
I got a plan to get back at your mother.
Too late.
I'm already full throttle over here.
I'm gonna dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.
That's insane! Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr.
T.
I gotta get to that body while the earth's still loose.
Deandra, I know how to get the money back from Bruce.
What's your plan? All right You call Brucie on the phone and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiancé.
Who's that? Me.
Oh, man.
This house sure brings back a lot of memories.
Guys! Look what I just found in Dee's old room! It's her middle school diary, dude.
Ooh, yeah! Who gives a shit? This is her diary, man.
It's got all her secrets and shit in here! D-Dude! It says "keep out.
There's a little lock that we can Well, we'll get it open later.
We are not reading Dee's middle school diary to you, bro! Look, we need to start the healing process.
Yeah Okay? I'm devastated over here.
We need to throw a big-ass party.
Because I need to be amongst my friends.
Let's call the crew.
Let's round the boys up! Round the crew up! And let's have a kickass party! We got the diary! And the crew! The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town! I have two numbers in my phone.
Charlie and Dennis.
Huh.
Well, what about all our friends, dude? Yeah, what about, uh Dooley! Call Dooley.
Dooley! Let's call Dooley! Dooley loves a good party! Dooley! Dooley in the house! Dooley's in the house! Yeah.
Dooley killed himself.
Uh oh Yeah.
About two years back now.
Yeah.
It's a real sad, sad, sad thing for him and his family.
That's That's terrible.
I knew he was, uh Depressed.
Very sad.
Very depressed.
And, uh How about, uh Let's call Stash! Let's get the Stash man! Uh Stash? Stash man? What did you do? I set him on fire.
Son of a bitch.
All right, forget him.
Forget Stash.
I don't like him anyway.
Let's get Z-man.
I banged his sister.
Oh Sully! No, but Sully! I got Sully.
He's got a restraining order against me.
I can't go within 500 feet of him.
Plus, you know what? I banged his sister too.
Did you really? She was gross.
Yeah.
Oh, I remember that.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
What are we saying? We got no friends? Looks like it, right? Wow, that hits home.
Boom.
That's terrible.
Guys, guys.
That's sad.
Do you realize what that means? I mean, if we were to all die suddenly just like my mom did we would have nobody left to mourn us.
Oh, shit.
You know, we would have no one left behind us to tell of our great adventures and our glorious triumphs.
Oh, dude.
We gotta We gotta make friends.
All our triumphs.
All our triumphs and our tales and We need to preserve our legacy.
That's what I'm saying, bro! Our legacy! Our whole legacy here! So let's go out and make some friends, right? Okay, let's do that.
But first Who wants to burn through a quick chapter of this diary? How's the ponytail look? It's ridiculous.
Why I don't understand why you're wearing this whole getup.
Bruce has never even seen you.
Deandra, if we're gonna pull this thing off I gotta turn into a liberal yahoo just like Bruce.
Now, when he gets here, I want you to hold my hand through the whole thing.
I won't do that.
Look.
You've gotta stop thinking of me as your dad and start thinking of me as your fiancé, Seamus.
Gross.
Could we please try and think of a less creepy angle? But this is a grift.
I mean, that's the way it is.
You gotta stay in character all the time.
As soon as you break character, you blow the grift.
Hand, hand.
No, I don't wanna touch you.
Holding hands.
Ah, damn it.
Deandra.
Ah, my little girl.
How are you doing? Are you okay? Well, no, no.
I'm I'm very broken up inside.
Bruce, this is Seamus, my fiancé.
I am also broken up.
Mm-hmm.
What say we all bring it on in for a hug? Mm.
We're doing hugs.
Oh, I'm so sorry I missed the funeral.
Mm-hmm.
We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the Al DS crisis there and Al DS? You touch anybody? Well, sure.
Hey, man! What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that? Seamus is joking.
He's got a He's got a very dry sense of humor.
I'm not joking! That shit is serious! I gotta take a shower now! Hmm.
That's kind of odd.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's my guy.
You know? He's a Yeah.
He's got a little bit of a germ problem.
It's I'll get him some books for that.
He's He's grieving and and Yeah.
Sure.
But you seem to be holding up okay.
It's funny that I seem like that.
Because I'm not holding up okay.
I'm very sad.
I'm devastated.
Well, there's nothing tougher than losing a parent.
Oh, it's the worst! It is.
And it's the So she gave you all of our money, huh? All of All of Yeah.
Yeah.
All of our fortune.
She gave it to you.
Weird, right? Yeah.
Good news is it's all gonna go to help the less fortunate.
Every penny.
Oh, well, that is good news.
It's a done deal.
Oh, well, that's actually why we brought you here.
Oh, see, Seamus and I have a plan.
We want to adopt a ton of kids.
Oh, Deandra.
Isn't that wonderful that we'll need to use our fortune that my mother gave you to shove at these kids! You know what I think? Huh? I think I know exactly what you and Seamus need.
Can you sit tight? You just sit tight.
Sit tight.
I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Is he gone? Yeah, he's gone.
Burn these clothes.
Tracy, cancel all my appointments.
L It's time for my daughter and that idiot who raised her to learn a lesson.
Guys, I don't know if I'm feeling this flyer idea.
Really? It's perfect, dude.
How else are three guys in their late 20s supposed to make friends? There's no system in place.
A flyer does all the work.
It does the work for us, man.
All right, read back what we got so far because I don't Okay.
"What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna hang out in our party mansion.
" It sounds a little gay.
Yeah.
It does sound gay.
Right? You know what? Write, um, "nothing sexual.
" Good.
Okay.
"We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna hang out in our party mansion.
" "Nothing sexual.
" Good, good.
And add, "Fighters welcome.
" 'Cause, you know, we want some tough dudes and some big dudes.
I don't want a bunch of tough guys in here wanting to fight me.
No, I didn't mean that.
But it would be good to have extra protection.
Yeah.
Extra protection and All right.
Well, uh, put "fitness encouraged.
" Beautiful.
That sounds confusing.
Do you think so? I'll put, "Dudes in good shape.
" Oh, there you go! That solves it.
Nice.
I like dudes in good shape.
There we go.
Okay.
But we also need a guy who's funny and fat.
We need a funny fat guy.
We need a funny fat guy.
Because every crew has a funny fat guy.
Well, no.
I'm the funny fat guy.
So don't worry about that.
You're not fat, dude.
Yeah.
You're also not funny.
I want somebody who does observational humor.
Oh, you know what? That would be good.
Observational humor is cool.
You know what, guys? I'm just gonna put "nothing sexual" again just to reiterate.
Underline that.
Please, please.
Okay, clarity.
Smart.
Be very clear with that.
And I'm thinking that the flyer should be in the shape of a beer mug.
Hmm Too complicated.
I don't like that.
Yeah.
Uh What about a bicep? Bicep.
Yeah! A bicep.
Bicep's good.
A bicep would really do it.
All right, let's go with a bicep.
Okay.
Yeah, what do we got? Here we go.
"What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys "who wanna hang out in our party mansion.
"Nothing sexual.
Dudes in good shape encouraged.
"If you're fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things.
Again, nothing sexual.
" Underlined.
Underlined.
Okay.
Great.
I have no problem with that.
No.
Let's go meet some men.
Lookin' good, bro.
Lookin' very good.
I'm sorry? Oh, your pants.
Nice cut.
You know, that vertical line on the side gives your body good length.
Do you work here? What Nah.
I'm just looking to meet some some new guys.
I saw you from across the way.
And I thought, yeah.
This guy's got a good sense of style.
He's about the same age.
Got a nice crop of blond hair.
We could definitely use a blond in the crew.
Mix things up a little bit.
Here.
Why don't you just, uh take a look at that flyer there.
Is this a penis? A penis? No.
It's a It's a bicep.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, right.
"Party mansion.
" Exactly.
Yeah.
Cool.
Yeah, I'll swing by.
You'll swing by? Yeah, sure.
Okay, yeah.
Just come by the address.
We'll be there partying.
Sure.
Yeah, at the party mansion.
You're gonna be perfect, man.
Yeah.
Nice.
See ya there.
I should give him more for his friends.
Yeah.
Oh, son of a bitch! Penis? No.
It's a a bicep.
Bro.
I just had the most perfect blond guy slip right through my fingers.
I mean, I had him in the palm of my hand, and then he was gone.
You know what I mean? I mean, this guy would've been perfect for you.
What's up with this beefcake? Is he coming to the party or what? Big time.
Great.
Nah, he didn't read the flyer.
No, I read the flyer.
He didn't understand it.
I understood it perfectly.
Oh! Okay.
Okay, we need to take a second look at this flyer.
Uh, yeah, dude.
Guys! Check out who I just met buying a crossbow.
This dude is the shit.
I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart.
Yeah.
All right, dude.
Dude, isn't that guy awesome or what? He's like a poet.
That guy's not awesome.
No.
Dude, do you know how hard it is to find a passionate guy like that these days they don't make 'em anymore.
You should've seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.
You knew? You knew that it was a dick? Well, yeah.
I thought we changed it.
I thought you guys were changing it.
It was always It was always meant to be a bicep.
It was a bicep, bro.
Well, then why did you cut it like 'Cause it looks totally like a dick.
I thought, all right, let's go with the dick thing.
It's more masculine anyway.
Good point.
I mean, shit If you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins.
I can't wear this.
I gotta go home and get another costume.
Come on.
There's no time.
Just sit down and shut up.
And wait for Bruce to get back with the money.
All right.
But I can't promise that I'm not gonna go berserk if he tries to give me Al DS again.
He wasn't trying to give you Al DS.
Jesus Christ! You're the one who's goin' on and on about staying in character.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
Look, we can do this, okay? We just have to go along with whatever he throws at us.
We're so close to that money.
Yeah.
Yeah? I'm not gonna blow the cover.
Good.
Pull your shit together, Seamus.
All right.
Surprise! These are some of my adopted children.
Go ahead, guys.
This is your new home.
Ooh, Mac.
Here come our guests.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
How did you get these guys again? Oh, they're college kids.
I just went down to Penn.
I reeled them in with a couple of white lies.
Put your game face on, buddy.
We got a legacy to preserve.
Okay.
Here we go.
Welcome to the party mansion, bitches! Get your asses in here! Look at that shit, huh? Yeah! Where is everybody? Where are all the chicks? Guess what.
It's just you and us.
That's right! We got the party mansion to ourselves! There ain't no rules in the party mansion! That's right.
Check this out, bitches! Whoo! Oh, yeah, baby! Nice one! Let's stop being pussies, and let's funnel some beers! Let's funnel some beers! I don't really drink.
Wrong answer, bitch! You're a drinker tonight! That's right.
You guys are gonna be telling stories for the rest of your lives about how crazy we are! Oh, yeah.
You're gonna tell everybody how we're like those guys from Jackass.
How we like to smash stuff and shove shit up our asses.
That's right! You are gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, four eyes! Yeah! You're gonna be talking about this night for the rest of your lives! "Dear Diary, the dance was a total disaster.
"I cried myself to sleep again last night.
Oh! "Mom forced me to wear the back brace.
And all the school chanted "aluminum monster!"' Oh Oh, man! "Aluminum monster.
" That is hilarious.
No! Oh, it's not hilarious! I share this little girl's pain.
Have you ever been scorned, Charlie? Uh, like all day, every day, dude.
Then you should think of this little girl as your soul mate of pain.
Oh, shit, bro.
Babysitting a bunch of orphans was not part of our grift.
Yeah.
Well, it's either that or digging up Mom which, for the record, I am still very into.
But I'm willing to do whatever we need to do to get this money, Frank.
Okay? If we need to adopt a couple of orphans, fine.
We'll get the money, and we'll take them back.
Oh Can you do that? Is that possible? I don't know.
I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy.
That sounds good.
Great.
Now this one's sad.
Give Give her some money.
What? Frank, give her some money.
I'm not giving her shit! What are you talking about? May I speak to you two in the kitchen? Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You two have such a great vibe! I'm ready to write a check right now.
But I just want to make sure that I'm helping you to have, like, the best relationship that you can so that these kids have a loving, stable home.
And I know that this may sound a little weird.
But I have a lot of training in family therapy.
And I think for me to help you I need to observe you at your most intimate.
I need to observe you two making love.
Uh Uh How long's your boy been passed out, bro? I don't know.
A couple of minutes.
I'm just worried he's gonna wake up before we throw him down those stairs.
You kidding me? Look at him.
He's gone.
Man, he's out.
You're kidding, right? You're not really gonna throw him down the stairs.
Oh! We should throw him off the roof! Right? Great idea, dude.
I'm the thrower.
That's fine.
Why are you guys doing this? That's what friends do to each other, bro.
No, it isn't! Guy, his mom just died.
Can you have a little compassion? My mom just died, all right? The least you could do is let us throw your buddy off the roof! "I'm totally gonna tell Eric how much I like him tonight.
"Even though Danielle "was like all over him today in school.
"Mother said, "Don't bother.
He wants a pretty girl instead.
"' I can't stop crying, Ernesto.
Hey, me neither, Charlie.
Oh, but don't fight it, Charlie! No! It is all part of the healing process.
So tell me, how do you two usually begin your lovemaking sessions? That's hard to say, you know? Because we start it in so many ways.
Seamus, perhaps perhaps you should start by, uh, kissing her neck lightly.
Uh, no.
No, because, uh, we don't kiss.
We don't kiss.
At all.
No kissing.
Mmmmm.
That's unusual, but okay.
Okay.
Just tell me w Just tell me what you are into.
I like to watch.
So I'm gonna bounce off the bed and observe.
Okay.
Okay.
See You see what just happened, Dee? Seamus has just communicated what turns him on in a healthy way.
Heh.
So Yeah.
Perhaps now would be a good time for you to pleasure yourself for him.
Hmm.
Then eventually Seamus will mount you.
Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna have to stop this.
Really? Uh, yeah.
Yeah? I'm gonna come clean here because we've been lying to you.
Deandra Deandra, just No.
Think about what you're doing.
No.
You know what? I'm sorry.
We've been lying.
And the reason is Think we haven't had sex yet because we're waiting until we get married.
We're waiting.
We're saving ourselves.
We're saving ourselves! Saving ourselves.
It's so important to me and to him Yeah, we couldn't do it.
To do that.
Yeah.
Right.
And I And I And I think that maybe that's what the tension is that you're feeling.
It's all sexual.
Oh, it's so sexual.
You know, I'm also a licensed minister.
So why don't we just do a wedding? Like do it tomorrow? Hmm! Because I've been thinking about it.
And I should never give the money to an unmarried couple anyway.
Okay.
Okay.
Family and friends, we're gathered here to to share in the declaration of a lifelong commitment between this man and this woman.
Deandra, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
Seamus do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? You bet ya.
Well, then by the authority of God and the laws of the great state of Pennsylvania I now pronounce you man and wife.
Congratulations, Deandra! You made me so happy.
Yeah.
And you just married your daughter, Frank.
You know who I am? Of course I know who you are.
You're the little asswipe who raised my children and turned them into animals, into monsters who who lie and steal and take advantage of people and contribute absolutely nothing to society.
Make sure you're getting this.
Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe Ernesto's missing this! He's gotta see it.
Go get him.
If you knew who he was, then why did you do the whole ceremony? I was just trying to push you two to your limit.
But apparently you you have none.
So I I hate to interrupt.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Uh, Bruce? Can you Can you just pronounce them man and wife again? I wanna get that in a close-up.
Again? You wanna Do the thing where you're like, "And, yes, of course I know who you are.
" And you were getting so angry, Bruce.
Oh, yeah! Bruce, can you make 'em kiss this time, though? Yes.
Uh, sure.
May I May I see the camera for just a second from this side maybe? Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh I'm gonna take this and give it to the lawyer, and you're gonna lose the house because, uh, you violated the conditions of the will.
Frank was not to set foot in the house! Bruce, come on, man.
D Dad, be cool, man.
Like, let that slide.
You are acting like a real bastard, Bruce.
That's ridiculous.
You're the most horrible people alive.
Oh, come on.
Oh, that's a little bit going overboard.
That's a lot.
That's a lot to say.
Come on.
Don't be like that.
Now I'm gonna lose the party mansion.
Thanks a lot, Frank! Whoa, guys! Guys, where you going? Whoa, whoa! Hey! How did they get free? Oh, come on! We were just having a little fun! You guys still wanna be in our crew? I don't think so.
I don't think they're gonna go off and tell about our great adventures and our glorious triumphs.
It doesn't seem like it.
No.
Well, at least we still have Ernesto.
Yeah, whoops.
No, no.
He robbed your house.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Yeah.
Ah, I'm sorry that the grift didn't work out, sweetie.
We could still go get Mom's jewelry.
I'll get the shovel.