Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e03 Episode Script

MAYA: Hold the doors, please! Thank you.
(SIGHING) Good morning.
Happy Halloween.
I'm a fairy princess.
The whole office is dressing up in wild costumes.
(LAUGHS) Big tradition.
Crazy people.
We're having orange punch.
Finch! Why am I the only one dressed up? (STUTTERS) Attention people, listen up! Did anyone lose a tooth? The memo telling everyone to get dressed up.
I'm the only one who got it, aren't I? I have no idea what you're talking about.
But, this just came to you from corporate.
Next week is Topless Tuesday.
Oh, way to go, Nina.
See, I'm not the only one in the Halloween spirit.
Today's Halloween? I don't care.
I love Halloween.
Even if the whole office thinks I'm nuts, I'm going to have a good time today.
That's the attitude.
Thank you, Elliott.
No problem.
Now would you mind turning my little wooden friend into a real boy? So? So what? Did you watch it? Yeah, I watched it.
And? It wasn't that scary.
What? What do you mean it wasn't that scary? Psycho is the scariest movie of all time.
You've never seen home movies of my grandpa gumming an ear of corn.
Man, the first time I saw Psycho, I couldn't sleep for a week.
Yeah, well that's the difference between us.
You're a sniveling, little coward cry-baby, whereas I am more of a Dennis.
Hey! Don't do that! Sorry, I just wanted those checks to sign.
Here.
Put some bells on your shoes, will you? I knew it.
You're jumpy.
I am not.
And look at your hair.
It's greasy.
Jealous? You were afraid to take a shower this morning.
I took a European shower.
What's that? Splashed a little water on my face, put a little cologne in my hair It's all the rage in Prague.
NINA: You know, my friend Binnie was in Prague a few years ago.
Oh, good God.
She was having her navel centered.
What? You can't get that done.
It's thinking like that that's forced women to live with their original ribs.
Hey, you know her friend Binnie? What does she look like? What? You've never met her either? No, but I picture a woman with a face put together like a ransom note.
That's weird.
You've never seen her.
I've never seen her.
Maybe there is no Binnie.
What? Yeah.
Maybe it's just a creation in Nina's mind.
An alter-ego.
Yeah, like in Psycho.
Exactly! You see, you see, it freaked you out.
It did not.
Oh, come on, Finch, every time you see a scary flick, you get all jumpy and paranoid.
I do not.
Remember the one about the alligator in the sewer? I'm telling you, I sat down and something bit me.
It may not have been an alligator, okay! Item number eight, the new deadline for copy is noon on the 15th.
(ALL GROANING) And finally, item number nine, Maya, why are you dressed like a pink mosquito? I'm a fairy princess, and Finch tricked me.
Dennis, an explanation? It was a prank designed to bring joy to the entire office by humiliating Maya.
Fair enough.
Maya, rebuttal? I don't care, I love Halloween.
Doesn't everybody? Interesting.
Let's open it up.
When I was 21, I shaved my head and went as Mr.
Clean.
Seemed a lot funnier then.
I love costumes.
I was a dominatrix one year.
Well, it was more like a year and a half.
Quick, someone else talk.
My favorite Halloween of all was the one time you took me trick-or-treating.
He wore this amazing gorilla suit and I went as his little banana.
I called him "Mr.
Monkey-Dad.
" (LAUGHS) Monkey Dad! It's cute.
I like it.
And he stayed in character the whole night.
Remember, when you left, you jumped out the window, climbed down the fire escape.
You were so funny.
I'll never forget it.
Well, that's why they call them memories.
Dennis, I'm in that Halloween spirit.
Run out and get one of those cardboard skeletons to hang on my door.
Will you settle for an old poster of Nina in a bikini? That is so sweet.
Yeah.
Elliott, Elliott, Elliott.
Would you blow this picture up into an eight-by-ten for me? Is that Mr.
Monkey-Dad? Yeah, I want to give it to him as a present.
Yeah, I can do that.
Why's he carrying a yellow duffel bag? That's me in my little banana costume.
I made it myself.
Out of a duffel bag.
Hey, Elliott, do me a favor.
What do you need? Go talk to Nina for a minute while I check out something about Binnie.
Finch, I'm sure Binnie exists.
I'm gonna prove you wrong.
Now just don't let her come back till I get out of her office, okay? Hey, Nina.
Where you going? To my office.
Don't go there.
Stay out here with me.
We haven't talked in so long.
What's this about? What's this about? That we spend hours and hours together every day, and yet I know almost nothing about you.
Oh, okay, what do you want to know? Everything.
How did you become a model? Was it fun? Do you miss it? Did you meet any interesting people? Well, it all started when I was 10 Wow.
See? I feel so much closer to you.
Are you happy? Now can I get on with my life? Check this out.
I went through her Rolodex.
And you know what's missing? A working knowledge of the alphabet? No, "Binnie Belmont.
" She's not there.
It goes directly from "Bail Bondsman" to "Brothers comma Baldwin.
" Finch, that proves nothing.
You've got Psycho on the brain.
I mean, come on, why would she make up Binnie? It's simple.
She doesn't want to look pathetic, going out to bars by herself and drinking every night.
So she made up a best friend.
That's crazy.
It's just like when guys pretend they have fraternity brothers so everyone at home doesn't think they were rejected from every house on campus, even Kappa Zeta, the so-called Christian frat.
Tell me where in the Bible it says you can give a guy a purple-nurple.
It doesn't! (SNEEZES) Bless you.
Glenn, hey, great floods.
I'm so glad to see someone else get into the spirit.
All hail, King of the Geeks! What do you mean? Nothing, sexy.
Hey, Maya, could I ask you a favor? Sure.
Absolutely.
Anything.
My girlfriend wrote this article for her journalism class.
Could you take a look at it and maybe make a few notes in the margins? Or wherever you make notes.
Just try to be nice to her.
She's a bit of an underachiever.
Although she had no problem landing me.
Bless you.
Hey, you know, it's no problem.
Oh, and about my pants.
Do you really think they're too short? No! No, no.
Looking sharp, man.
Good.
I wouldn't want to be "uncool.
" Anyway, Na-nu Na-nu.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm not Tinker Bell.
And I'm not gay.
Maya Gallo.
Nice to meet you.
Pete Hamilton.
I'm the victim of office prank.
What's your excuse? I just love Halloween.
Well, you make a very nice What exactly are you? Prince Charming.
Okay, I got your picture.
Huh? Oh! Thanks! Oh, thank you so much.
Don't lick it, it's still wet.
It's adorable.
Yeah, it came out pretty well, huh? I think he's going to love this.
Why would I lick it? People do.
Hey, Dad! Happy Halloween! Oh, my God.
Will you look at that? Isn't it great? Don't lick it.
Don't have to tell me twice.
Look at us.
You in the gorilla suit Boy, that thing was itchy! And me, as the little banana, clutching your paw.
What a night! Hey, who's this in the background hailing a cab? Probably some guy.
That looks like you, Jack.
Well, it ain't.
Let me see.
Oh, my God, it is you! I thought you were in the gorilla suit.
So did I! Well thanks, pumpkin.
I'm going to put this in a very special place.
Halt! Or here's good.
Now let me get this straight, 'cause this may be the crowning moment of your negligent parenting career.
You got someone to pose as you to take me trick-or-treating? Well, you had your little heart set on it.
A lot of fathers wouldn't have gone to the trouble.
Who was in the gorilla suit? Uncle Harry? No! Uncle Mike? Certainly not.
The doorman? Look, what difference does it make? I can't believe you paid someone to take me trick-or-treating! What do you want me to say? Dad, Halloween was my favorite holiday.
Congratulations.
You've managed to ruin that, too.
Hey, can I say something here? Every time I come in here, you're either slamming your dad or turning on the waterworks.
Could you tell me, what did he do that was so bad? Thank you, Dennis.
When I was five, he paid our doorman to pose as him to take me trick-or-treating.
You're not my pretend Dad anymore.
Huh.
A shower curtain in the kitchenette.
I don't see where this is going.
Come on out, Elliott.
Okay, I'll play along.
Gosh, I really need to take a shower right now.
I hope there's no one behind there with a knife.
(SQUEALING) (HEARTBEAT DECREASING) Finch? Finch, are you okay? Man, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Yeah, dude.
I'm fine.
Why? You had no pulse for close to a minute.
It's a defense mechanism.
Like a possum.
Just admit it, that movie freaked you out.
All right, it was a tad unsettling.
But that doesn't change the fact that there's no Binnie.
(EXPRESSES DISGUST) I checked.
There's no record of her anywhere.
Not even a Social Security Number.
So, she's never had a job.
She's lived off alimony.
No driver's license.
Lots of people in Manhattan don't drive.
No arrests for public drunkenness.
Go on.
Hey, Nina, I thought maybe we could have a drink.
I'll get some cups.
No.
No, I meant after work.
NINA: Oh.
In fact, why don't you call Binnie and we'll make it a foursome? Yeah, you, Binnie, me, Finch.
Binnie.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't think Binnie can make it tonight.
She has a cold.
Oh, what's her address? I'll bring her some soup.
She won't be there.
I thought you said she had a cold.
She's recuperating at my place.
Fine.
Then I'll bring it by your place.
You can't! She's allergic.
DENNIS: To soup? Yes, soup, broth.
Essentially any liquid without ice cubes.
Well then, let's get together this weekend.
We'll make it a foursome.
Yeah, you, Binnie, me, Finch.
Binnie.
Good God, aren't you listening? The woman's at death's door.
I thought you said she had a cold.
Look, just because I have my own prescription pad, doesn't mean I'm a doctor, okay? (SNORING) Hello? Dad.
Maya, where have you been? I've been waiting in this stupid thing for an hour and a half.
I went to lunch.
We are trying to run a business here.
Boy, it's hot in this thing.
I don't know how those monkeys stand it.
What are you doing? You want to go to a Halloween party with me? Oh.
What did you think, you could put on a silly costume and everything would be all right? (SIGHING) You know what drives me crazy? Poachers? What drives me crazy is we never seem to get past the past.
Missing Halloween, or not being there when you had your tonsils out That wasn't you holding my hand? The point is I just wish we could start afresh and make the rest go away.
It's not that easy, Dad.
Look, I can't go back and change what I did.
But I like to think that I'm doing better now.
Yes, I know you're trying I am trying.
I just (STUTTERING) I think I've evolved, Maya.
Ooh, ooh (LAUGHS) I forgot your surprise.
Damn thing.
Ta-da! (LAUGHS) A banana costume? Come on.
Big bash at Gracie Mansion.
Politicians, movie stars.
Come on, what do you say? You and me, banana and gorilla, together again? Again? Okay, together for the first time.
That's even more exciting.
So, you'll go? Yes, I will.
Oh, really? Yes.
That's the difference between you and me.
Once I say I'll do something, I do it.
You good, me bad.
Got it.
Hey, Maya.
Hi, Glenn.
Gesundheit.
Thanks.
I'm glad I caught you before you split.
Yeah, yeah.
Very funny.
How so? Anyway, I came by for those notes for my girlfriend.
Oh, yeah.
I got them right here.
She did a really nice job.
Oh, good.
Oh, this is great, she'll be very happy.
And when she gets happy, she gets affectionate.
Excuse the rough language.
Well, have a great night.
Thanks again, Maya.
I really owe you one.
It was no problem.
No, really.
If you ever need a favor, just give me a call, or email me at Glennfiles.
mulder.
scully.
smokingman/ thetruthisoutthere, one word with no spaces I'll just call you.
Okay.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, there.
Hey, yourself.
You know, I'm glad I found you.
Me too.
How you doing? Great.
Big surprise.
So So, darndest thing.
I was supposed to go to a party with some friends tonight, but me being a prince, and you being a princess, I was kind of hoping you'd go to dinner with me tonight instead.
What do you have in mind? White Castle? Burger King? Maybe for dessert, Dairy Queen and we can meet Mom.
Oh, what am I thinking? I have plans tonight.
Isn't there any way I can get you to change your mind? Trick-or-treat! What are you doing here? Well, we got to thinking about you and Binnie all alone on Halloween.
So we thought we'd stop by.
Oh, well Binnie doesn't want to be disturbed.
Oh come on, why don't you ask her? Yeah.
Why don't you ask Binnie? Wait here.
NINA: Binnie, I didn't invite them.
They just stopped by.
(MUFFLED VOICE) NINA: Oh, don't be silly.
I am not trying to put you on display.
(SHOUTING IN MUFFLED VOICE) Is that Binnie? No, it's Nina doing Binnie.
I'm sorry.
Binnie doesn't feel like seeing anyone.
Oh, really? That's right.
Well, thanks for coming by.
Nina, could I get a glass of water from you? (CLEARS THROAT) Got a little tickle.
Please? Stay right there.
And a piece of cheese.
What? I like cheese.
Don't move.
What now? Go in.
Come on.
(WHISPERING) Is that Binnie? I don't know.
Go check.
(BOTH SCREAM) Oh, my God! She's dead! Nina stuffed her.
I'm not dead! You shouldn't have come! (SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY) Run! She had a face lift, a nose job and a chemical peel! I swore I wouldn't tell! BINNIE: Nina! Yes, Binnie? I think my lip just fell off.
Oh, not again.
(GUESTS APPLAUDING) Maya, you're a much better dancer than I remember.
(SNEEZES) Bless you.
* Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's gotta mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *