Keeping Up Appearances s03e03 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) ( glass clinks ) DO BE CAREFUL WITH MY CRYSTAL GLASSWARE, RICHARD.
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE WE TAKING ALL THIS STUFF.
THE PLACE IS FULLY EQUIPPED.
YOU KNOW I CAN' ENTERTAIN WITHOU MY CRYSTAL GLASSWARE.
THEY'VE PROBABLY GO CRYSTAL GLASSWARE.
AT BRUCE'S COTTAGE? YOU KNOW BRUCE THINKS THE HEIGHT OF TASTE IS GLASSWARE ENGRAVED WITH NAKED LADIES.
I'D SOONER BE STRUGGLING WITH A NAKED LADY THAN THIS CRATE.
OH! SHE RARELY LISTENS TO ANYTHING I SAY, I'VE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE THA OVER THE YEARS.
POST OFFICE? GOOD MORNING.
I WISH TO SPEAK TO YOUR HEAD POSTMASTER, PLEASE.
OF COURSE, IT'S IMPORTANT.
HMM? MY NAME IS "BOUQUET.
" SPELL IT? ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT JOB? IT'S B-U-C-K-E-T.
NO, IT'S "BOUQUET.
" THANK YOU.
YES, I'LL HOLD.
"IS IT IMPORTANT?" WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? GOOD MORNING, POSTMASTER.
OH, YOU'RE HIS DEPUTY.
HE'S IN CONFERENCE.
I SUPPOSE THAT MEANS HE'S NOT IN YET.
I WOULD LIKE MY MAIL REDIRECTED TO MY SISTER'S LUXURY HOLIDAY COTTAGE, COMPLETE WITH PATIO AND BUILT-IN BARBEQUE.
YES, SHE LIKES US TO HAVE THE RUN OF THE PLACE, WHICH IS DOUBLE-GLAZED WITH A FULLY FIREPROOF THATCH ROOF.
HOW LONG ARE WE GOING FOR? AT LEAST TWO DAYS.
HANG ON, RICHARD! OH! THANKS VERY MUCH, I WAS ON THE VERGE OF A HERNIA.
- GOING AWAY? - JUST TO THE COUNTRY.
YOUR WIFE GOING WITH YOU? YES, OF COURSE.
JOLLY GOOD, WELL DONE.
HOW LONG FOR? TWO OR THREE DAYS.
AH.
STILL, BETTER THAN NOTHING.
SHE'S GOING AWAY THEY WON' REDIRECT OUR MAIL.
NOT JUST FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
I FIND THA A VERY CASUAL ATTITUDE.
HOW DARE THEY PRESUME I RECEIVE THE KIND OF MAIL THAT CAN WAI FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS.
SPEAKING PERSONALLY, I RECEIVE THE KIND OF MAIL THAT CAN WAI FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS.
SUPPOSE THERE'S A LETTER FROM SHERIDAN.
HE NEVER WRITES, HE JUST RINGS UP WHEN HE'S BROKE.
IT COULD BE IN THE POST NOW.
A CRY FOR HELP.
HE'S HAD ENOUGH HELP THIS MONTH.
I MUST RING HIM WHEN WE ARRIVE AT THE COTTAGE.
LET HIM KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
IN CASE HE IS SUFFERING PSYCHICALLY.
HE MIGHT WAN TO CONFIDE IN HIS MOMMY.
HYACINTH, DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY SHERIDAN SHOWS NO INTEREST IN GIRLS? DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE ORNAMENTS? NO, NOT JUS FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
AH! THAT'S SOMETHING I MUST TAKE.
( mumbling ) WHY DO YOU KEEP READING STUFF LIKE THAT? BECAUSE IT'S MY LAST FOOTHOLD IN ROMANCE.
I GET VERY LITTLE PRACTICE.
AT LEAST I CAN KEEP ABREAST WITH THEORY.
I'M SORRY I ASKED.
THAT WAS HYACINTH ON THE PHONE.
TELL HER WE'VE MOVED.
THEY'VE BORROWED VIOLET'S COTTAGE FOR THE WEEKEND, AND THEY'RE HAVING A BARBEQUE.
- OOH, LOVELY! - OH, NO! DON'T WORRY, ONSLOW, I DON'T THINK WE'RE INVITED.
SHE JUST WANTS US TO TAKE DADDY DOWN.
SHE FEELS IT'S HER DUTY TO GIVE DADDY A DAY OUT.
BUT SHE DIDN' ACTUALLY SAY WE WEREN'T INVITED.
- NO, WELL - WELL! WE OUGHT TO STAY WITH DADDY THEN, DADDY IS NOT USED TO BARBEQUES.
HE MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE WITH HIS NEW TEETH.
EXACTLY! ONSLOW, WE'RE GOING TO A BARBEQUE.
THAT'S VERY INCONVENIENT.
ANYWAY, I CAN' POSSIBLY TODAY.
WHY? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ALONG THAT'S SO IMPORTANT? THERE'S RACING ON THE TELLY.
IF I WORE A SADDLE PERHAPS, YOU MIGHT PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME.
I NEVER GO FOR THE REAL OUTSIDERS.
YOU CAN WATCH RACING AT BRUCE'S COTTAGE.
IT'S NO THE SAME THOUGH, IS IT? OUTSIDE OF YOUR OWN COZY ENVIRONMENT.
WE'RE NOT COZY WE'RE NEARLY DERELICT.
I LIKE DERELICT.
I'M INTO DERELICT.
- RICHARD, HAVE WE RUN FOR MY-- - NO! SHE IS, SHE'S GOING AWAY! I CAN FEEL IT.
OH, I CAN FEEL MY EARS RELAXING.
IT'S ONLY FOR TWO DAYS.
I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT IT WILL BE LIKE A HOLIDAY! OH, I'LL BE ABLE TO SI IN THE GARDEN WITHOUT HER SINGING AT ME.
YIPPIE! - ( singing "The Blue Danube") - OH, EMMET! HA, AND WHAT ABOUT YOU! TWO DAYS WITHOUT HAVING TO GO NEXT DOOR FOR COFFEE.
- ( laughs ) - NOT QUITE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOT QUITE?" WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, LIZ? WHY ARE YOU SO SUBDUED? HYACINTH-FREE! NOT QUITE.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME.
YES! WELL, GO ON, TELL ME.
HYACINTH WANTS US TO VISIT THEM THIS EVENING, AT THE COTTAGE, FOR A BARBEQUE.
YOU DIDN'T SAY "YES"? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, WHEN DOES ONE EVER SAY ANYTHING? WE'RE JUST EXPECTED.
OH, DON'T CRY EMMET.
I HATE I WHEN YOU CRY.
THERE YOU ARE! I TOLD YOU, THEY'RE GOING AWAY.
YOU SAID "PUT I SOMEWHERE SAFE," I THOUGH YOU COULD HOLD IT.
THAT WAS QUITE A SEND-OFF.
WE MUST NEVER MOVE, DEAR, WE'D BE GREATLY MISSED.
IT'S RATHER HUMBLING TO REALIZE HOW MANY FRIENDS WE HAVE.
I THOUGH MR.
RIDLEY LOOKED RATHER SHABBY.
HE WAS JUST GARDENING.
I EXPEC HE'S LOST HEART, POOR MAN.
HIS WIFE CAN' BE AN EASY PERSON TO BE MARRIED TO.
I NEVER HEARD HER SPEAK TO HIM UNLESS TO GIVE AN ORDER.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
TAKE THE NEX RIGHT, DEAR.
'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW THE SECRET OF MARRIAGE IS GIVE AND TAKE, KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING, TOLERANCE.
RICHARD, YOU SHOULD HAVE TURNED RIGHT THERE, DEAR.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED TO BARBEQUE.
DONE BY YOUR HYACINTH? SHE'D BE POLISHING THE HOT-DOGS.
THING.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TAKE MRS.
THING.
- I GO AND TELL HIM.
- OH! WELL, IF WE ARE GOING, WE BETTER TAKE A BOTTLE OF SAUCE.
YOUR HYACINTH IS FAR TOO POSH TO HAVE ANY DECENT SAUCE.
STOP PLAYING ABOU WITH THE CAR, RICHARD, AND BRING MY ORNAMENTS IN.
( gun fires ) RICHARD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? DO GIVE ME A HAND, DEAR.
LOOK, THE TIMING OF THE BARBEQUE IS ALL IMPORTANT.
I WANT TO FEED DADDY FIRST, AND GET RID OF THEM ALL BEFORE OUR OTHER GUESTS ARRIVE.
YOU CAN'T JUST THROW PEOPLE OUT, THEY MAY OVERLAP A LITTLE.
IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF THROWING PEOPLE OUT, DEAR, I SHOULD JUST INSIS THEY LEAVE EARLY BECAUSE OF DADDY'S BEDTIME.
DOES HE GO TO BED AT TEATIME? HMM? THEY'LL HAVE THE JOURNEY, AND HE'LL PROBABLY BE EXCITED.
NO, THEY MUS LEAVE EARLY.
I SHALL RING THEM NOW AND MAKE THAT QUITE CLEAR.
TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP ALONG THE HIGHWAY NO ROSE, IT'S NOT BORIS, IT'S HYACINTH.
NO, I WILL NO GET OFF THE PHONE, DEAR, I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE EXPECTING A CALL FROM BORIS.
I WOULD LIKE A BRIEF WORD WITH DAISY.
BORIS! DAISY, DEAR, HOW ARE YOU? YES, WE'RE HERE, SAFE AND SOUND.
NOT AS SAFE AS YOU MIGHT THINK-- SOMEBODY'S SHOOTING.
SHH-SHH! I SUGGES THAT YOU ALL ARRIVE HERE FOR THREE O'CLOCK.
IT'S A TEATIME BARBEQUE.
WE DON'T WAN TO KEEP DADDY LATE, YOU SEE.
- DID YOU HEAR WHAT I-- - SHUT! MRS.
WHO? WHO ON EARTH IS MRS.
THING? POLISH?! "POLISH.
" WE'LL FIND OU HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT, DEAR.
YOU CAN'T KEEP CALLING HER "MRS.
THING.
" IF YOU'VE GOT IT WRITTEN ON A PIECE OF PAPER, FETCH IT, I MEAN SPELL IT TO ME.
IT CAN'T BE ALL THAT DIFFICULT.
SHH! YES, I'M HERE.
I HAVE A PENCIL, YES.
NOW, "ZED B,Y G,N.
" WELL, I WOULD SAY ZABAGEDEGEU! ZABEU.
ZABAGEU-ZABAGEU-ZABAGEUGEU ZEUBEUGEU! VERY WELL, IF HE WANTS TO BRING MRS.
THING, I SUPPOSE HE CAN BRING MRS.
THING.
OOH! - I SAY - ( groans ) GOOD GOD, MAN, YOU'RE IN A STATE! ARE YOU A DRINKER? - NO! - WITH NERVES LIKE THAT, YOU DAMN WELL OUGHT TO BE! HAVE YOU SEEN A BITCH AROUND HERE? SPRINGER SPANIEL, LIVER AND WHITE? NO, I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T SEEN HER.
CAME THIS WAY BUT I FIRED THE SHOT.
THE DAMN THING'S GUN-SHY! YOU'RE NO THE USUAL ONE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? QUAINT CHAP, OWNS THE PLACE.
- OH, BRUCE! - THAT'S THE FELLOW! HE'S QUAIN AS A £4 NOTE! HE'S MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
HE'S WEIRDER THAN MY SPANIEL BITCH.
( humming ) WHAT'S HE DOING TALKING TO SOMEBODY WITH A GUN? I WONDER IF IT'S THE LADY FROM THE MANOR HOUSE? THE ONE VIOLE TOLD ME ABOUT.
"ECCENTRIC BUT VERY WELL CONNECTED.
" HMM, I THINK THAT'S HER.
IF YOU DO SEE THE STUPID BITCH, WE'RE UP AT THE HOUSE, PERHAPS YOU'LL GIVE US A CALL.
CERTAINLY, OF COURSE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, NOW? YOU'RE HAVING A FIT? NO, I'M FINE.
YOU DON'T LOOK FINE, THE WAY YOU'RE TWITCHING.
- I HAD A COUSIN WITH A TWITCH LIKE THAT.
- I'M NOT TWITCHING.
HAD TO HAUL HIM OFF, FINALLY, TO THE FRUIT FARM.
COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED TO A NICER CHAP.
YOU ARE.
YOU ARE HAVING A FIT! ( chuckling ) BRING THE LADY IN, RICHARD.
SHE'S COMING IN.
I DO BELIEVE SHE'S COMING IN.
- AH! - IS THIS YOUR FELLOW OUT HERE? - MY HUSBAND, YES! - GO HAVE A LOOK OF HIM.
HE IS NOT AS YOUNG AS HE USED TO BE.
HE'S HAVING A TIME! HE SAYS HE'S NOT, BUT HE IS.
AND I KNOW THE SIGNS.
I'M FINE, I'M PERFECTLY FINE.
THEY ALL SAY THAT.
MY COUSIN WAS STILL SAYING THA WHEN THEY HAULED HIM AWAY.
REALLY? ARE YOU THE LADY FROM THE MANOR HOUSE? - THAT'S RIGHT, I'M BUNTY.
- I'M HYACINTH.
- OH-- OOH! - OOPS! MY SISTER VIOLE TOLD ME ABOUT YOU.
DO GO THROUGH.
AH! WILL HE BE ALL RIGHT, OUT THERE? OH, YES, I OFTEN LEAVE HIM OUTSIDE.
- OOH! - OH.
MAY I HANG THAT UP FOR YOU? - OOPS! - THERE YOU ARE.
- I'LL JUST HANG I HERE FOR YOU.
- YES.
HELLO?! YOUR SISTER, IS IT? SHE'S MARRIED TO THE WEIRDO.
THE WEIRDO? OH, NO.
MY SISTER IS MARRIED TO BRUCE.
- BRUCE, THAT'S THE FELLA! - MAY I OFFER YOU A DRINK? WELL, NORMALLY, I'D BE GLAD TO, BUT I'VE GOT TO FIND MY GUN-SHY BITCH.
MY RICHARD WILL FIND YOUR DOG FOR YOU, HE IS VERY GOOD AT THINGS LIKE THAT.
WELL, PERHAPS JUS A SMALL ONE.
OH, BY THE WAY STOP FIDDLING WITH THAT, RICHARD, AND FIND BUNTY'S DOG.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND BUNTY'S DOG? I WANT YOU TO FIND IT, RICHARD.
IT'S QUITE IMPORTANT SOCIALLY.
THE DOG? THE DOG IS IMPORTANT SOCIALLY? I DOUBT IT, IF HE IS GUN-SHY.
DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.
JUST RUN ALONG AND FIND THE DOG.
I HAVE INVITED BUNTY TO THE BARBEQUE THIS EVENING, ONLY I'VE GOT TO GE RID OF HER QUICKLY NOW, BEFORE ONSLOW ARRIVES.
RUN ALONG, DEAR, AND FIND THE DOG.
HER NAME'S ZOE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING IN THE COUNTRY.
YES, ISN'T IT, DEAR? AND WHEN YOU'VE FOUND IT, DON'T STOP PLAYING ABOU WITH IT, BRING I STRAIGHT BACK HERE.
THIS MUST BE WHAT THEY CALL "A WORKING HOLIDAY.
" NOW, WHAT WAS HER NAME? ZOE! ( police sirens blaring on TV ) COME ON, ONSLOW! WE HAVE TO GET READY.
YOU KNOW WHAT OUR HYACINTH'S LIKE ABOUT BEING ON TIME.
( knocking on door ) THERE'S MRS.
THING! MOVE YOURSELF, ONSLOW! ONSLOW! THIS IS MRS.
PFFLAP-- THING! SHE DOESN'T SPEAK HOW MUCH IS "MUCH?" NONE! AND THIS IS WHA YOUR FATHER FANCIES? HE SAYS THERE'S SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS ABOUT FOREIGN WOMEN.
THERE'S CERTAINLY SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE! MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME MRS.
PSTPSTLAP! WELL, HERE'S TO IT! THAT TOUCHED THE SPOT, I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.
I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO COME TO MY SELEC LITTLE BARBEQUE THIS EVENING.
- DO BRING YOUR HUSBAND.
- MY DORIAN? I WONDER IF HE'S AWAKE.
HE NODS OFF A LOT THESE DAYS.
JUST LIKE MY DADDY! POOR OLD DORIAN! HE WEN FROM RAMPANT TO STAGNAN PRACTICALLY OVERNIGHT.
- HOW TERRIBLE! - IT CHANGED HIS ENTIRE PERSONALITY! DADDY'S THE SAME.
ONCE, SUCH A BRILLIANT MIND! GOOD OLD DORIAN USED TO HAVE A BAG FULL OF SHADY HABITS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX.
NOW HE'S STRICTLY A HOMEBOD, GOOD AS GOLD.
BORING AS HELL.
AHH! WELL, NEVER MIND.
YOU BRING HIM ALONG.
POOR OLD DORIAN, AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE HE IS THESE DAYS.
IT'S THE DAMN DOG I CAN NEVER FIND! ZOE! WHERE ARE YOU, ZOE? IT'S ALL RIGHT, ZOE, I HAVEN'T GOT A GUN.
COME ON, GIRL.
BE A GOOD DOG.
HOW DOES ONE TRACK AN ANIMAL? OH, FOOTPRINTS! ONE LOOKS FOR FOOTPRINTS.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE MY OWN FOOTPRINTS IN THIS GRASS.
ZOE! ZOE! I SHOULD KEEP OUT OF THOSE NETTLES IF I WERE YOU.
I'M TRYING TO, BUT-- THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE.
I THINK MAYBE WE COULD DO THA ONCE MORE.
OH! ( chuckles ) CERTAINLY! I DON' NORMALLY DRINK.
UNLESS THAT DAMN DOG MAKES ME ANGRY.
- DO SIT DOWN.
- YEAH, I THINK I'D BETTER BEFORE I FALL DOWN.
I DO HOPE RICHARD FINDS YOUR DOG.
OH, SHE'LL COME HOME WHEN SHE'S READY! MORE THAN I USED TO BE ABLE TO SAY ABOUT OLD DORIAN.
( laughing ) - EXCUSE ME.
- OH YEAH.
MY HUBBIE WANTS A WORD WITH ME.
I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
HMM, WE'LL CARRY ON.
ALL RIGHT.
- HAVE YOU FOUND THE DOG? - NO.
WELL, WHAT IS IT, THEN? I AM MAKING GREAT STRIDES HERE, SOCIALLY.
THERE'S A CHAP OUTSIDE SAYS HE IS A FRIEND OF BRUCE.
A FRIEND OF BRUCE, ARE YOU SURE? YOU KNOW HOW GULLIBLE YOU ARE.
HE SAYS HE'S A FRIEND OF BRUCE.
HE'S NO A FRIEND OF BRUCE.
THAT'S SOME OLD TRAMP.
GET RID OF HIM! HE WAS VERY NICE TO ME.
HE WARNED ME OFF A BED OF NETTLES.
RICHARD, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU DISCUSSING NETTLE BEDS WITH TOTAL STRANGERS.
NOW GET RID OF HIM BEFORE HE HELPS HIMSELF TO MY CRYSTAL GLASSWARE.
- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT-- - OH, RICHARD, I'LL GET RID OF HIM! BRUCE ISN'T HERE.
WELL, YOU'LL DO! WHY DON'T I VISIT YOU? I BEG YOUR PARDON? YOU ARE A STEADY CREATURE! WE DON'T GE MANY OF THOSE AROUND HERE.
BRUCE COMES WITH THAT SKINNY THING.
THAT "SKINNY THING," HAPPENS TO BE MY SISTER VIOLET.
SWIMMING POOL, SAUNA, ROOM FOR A PONY.
NOT AS BIG AROUND THE VERANDA AS YOU THOUGH.
WAIT A MINUTE! WE'RE JUST GETTING ACQUAINTED.
- WHATEVER IS THE MATTER? - HE INSULTED ME.
WHO DID? A SUSPICIOUSLY SCRUFFY FELLOW IN AN OLD HAT.
SOUNDS LIKE MY DORIAN! OH, IT IS MY DORIAN! - HE INSULTED YOU? - WELL, NOT INSULTED-- HE'S NOT DONE THA FOR AGES! HE MUST BE FEELING HIS OATS AGAIN.
WELL DONE, OLD THING! THIS CALLS FOR A DRINK.
GO ON, POUR ME ANOTHER.
GO AND GET OLD DORIAN.
BRING HIM IN! DO AS BUNTY SAYS, DEAR.
FETCH DORIAN, DON'T KEEP HIM WAITING.
THEY'RE AWFULLY WELL CONNECTED.
( slurring ) WELL, OFF I GO, TALLY HO! WAS THAT LADY, YOUR WIFE? - YES! - LOTS OF FUN, IS SHE? I CAN'T SAY I EVER THOUGH OF HER IN TERMS OF FUN.
WON'T YOU COME IN? YOUR WIFE'S HERE.
IS SHE? - HER DOG'S MISSING.
- AHHH! SHE'S GUN-SHY, YOU KNOW.
YOUR WIFE?! IS SHE? I DON'T THINK SO.
NOT BUNTY.
AND THIS IS A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE FIRST CERTIFICATE OBTAINED BY SHERIDAN FOR PENMANSHIP.
- HMM.
- HE HAD A BEAUTIFUL ITALIC HAND! AND HERE HE IS WITH HIS FAVORITE TEDDY, SAYING GOODBYE TO IT, AS HE LEFT FOR UNIVERSITY.
-Both: OHH! THAT MUST BE MY RICHARD AND YOUR DORIAN.
OH! OH, DAMN LEGS! ALWAYS THE FIRST THING TO GO.
HELP BUNTY, WILL YOU, RICHARD? YES, RICHARD.
HELP BUNTY! I'LL ENTERTAIN THIS FASCINATING CREATURE, HERE.
- OH! - AH-AH! GOOD OLD DORIAN IS BACK ON FORM!