Lead Balloon (2006) s03e03 Episode Script

RICK: After walking all the way on my own, at the top of the hill I stopped when suddenly I (BELL RINGS) - Adverb.
- Yes! - (LAUGHTER) - I'm afraid so - "suddenly".
You do know what an adverb is, don't you, Rick? - Well, yeah.
Obviously I was - (BELL RINGS) Yes - another adverb - "obviously".
Well spotted, Douglas.
So, Audrey, can you pick up the story, and without? (BUZZER) Oh! And that familiar sound tells us that it is indeed the end of this week's Watch Your Language.
So, this week's sultan of syntax is Douglas, on a remarkable 54 points! (APPLAUSE) followed closely by those gurus of grammar, Audrey and Mark, on a very commendable 44 points.
(APPLAUSE) And I'm afraid, somewhat lagging behind (LAUGHTER) somewhat lagging behind is poor Rick, who managed to get himself a score of minus 1 2 points! (LAUGHTER) Thank you for listening.
I'm Jacob Langley, and please do remember - watch your language! (THEME MUSIC) Mark, wonderful as usual.
Fantastic.
Rick Thanks, anyway.
Yeah.
I enjoyed it.
I'll know the rules better next time.
ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct I mean, why are we giving her all this stuff, anyway? They're all things we should have chucked out years ago.
- These are useful.
- We've got hundreds upstairs.
- Oh, come on, not this.
- It's horrible.
- It's going.
Unwanted gift.
- Yeah, from me.
Was it? Oh, I'm sorry, but it's going.
Rick, it's hideous.
(SIGHS) - Oh, not the juicer, we want that! - We never use it.
That's not the point.
It's too good for a car-boot sale.
God, Magda's gonna make a bloody fortune! So if there's anything you want to get rid of, now's your chance.
You got a box big enough for Ben? Be the only way we'll get rid of him.
Oh, Mum rang.
She said she heard you on Watch Your Language.
You never told me it was going out last night.
Oh, was it last night? Damn, I missed it.
Did she enjoy it? Didn't really say.
You know what Mum's like.
I mean, she said you lost, but I said it wasn't about the score, it was about being amusing and witty.
Exactly.
- So, do they repeat it? - Oh, I can't remember.
- Oh, don't chuck that out, it's Ben's.
- Ah! The lodger.
- Hmph.
- I quite like having him here.
You're not here during the day, when the music starts.
It's like Glastonbury.
I should start a little stall selling those luminous necklaces, and samosas.
Well, count yourself lucky.
I'm having lunch with Jeffrey Holland.
(SHUDDERS) How is Jeffrey? Why do all your clients get divorced? Don't.
He's in a real state.
His wife's a nightmare.
So, if you fancy swapping jobs for the day No, I'm not sure I could face a retired newsreader crying into his soup.
(PRETENDS TO SOB) "And finally" (RICK SIGHS) ON LAPctOPct.
Hello, and welcome to Watch Your Why are you playing that? The radio show.
There's a "listen again" facility.
Who cares? Switch it oct.
You missed it.
I thought you'd like to hear it.
Well, I wouldn't! I know what happened.
So do I.
You got the lowest score in the history of the show.
- They don't give points for laughs.
- Rick, I heard the show go out.
It's a stupid show, anyway.
Won't be doing that again.
For once, a correct answer.
Bunch of Cambridge twats showing oct to their smug, elitist Bzzz! Two adjectives in a row! Can we get on with this, please? We've got a deadline here.
OK.
National Association of Garden Centres.
I'm not doing the gnome stuff.
Why not? It's funny, man.
(MUSIC BLARES OUT) (SIGHS) Chumbawamba have started up again.
- They're getting pretty good, though.
- (SIGHs) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Oh, I think Ben and Sam practice for band now.
You think so? Yeah, you're probably right.
So Mel has said I can take to car-boot sell.
Sale.
Yeah, I know.
You have been to car-boot sell? - Sale.
No, I haven't - Why? Because I don't want to trudge around a field buying Lionel Richie cassettes for Sp.
Is place where you take things in car boot I know what it is, Magda.
That's why I don't want to go.
My friend Eva made fct7 at car-boot sell.
Well, good for Eva.
And by the way, it's "sale" not "sell" because "sell" is a verb, and "sale"isn't.
Yes.
But I am worried I cannot go because car is not working.
Well, maybe Eva can give you a lift.
- Eva is not well.
- Oh, dear.
Poor Eva(!) Hmm Perhaps I can take your car? Ah, no, I don't think so, Magda.
But it's all your things I am taking Well, they're yours now, because we've given them to you I would, Magda, but it's not the kind of car you have at a car-boot sale.
No? It'd be different if it was a Ford, or something.
- Hi, Dad.
- All right? What's all this stuff? It's for car-boot sell.
My friend Eva Yeah, never mind that.
Sam, does it have to be so loud? - We're laying some tracks down.
- Could you not? We have to get it finished for these people.
Can you do it a bit quieter? - Not really.
- Maybe headphones? - It's not really the same.
- That is sort of my point.
Has anyone seen my hat? - It's like a woolenhat.
- (Doorbell RINGS) No.
Sorry.
No? Hello, Rick, sorry to bother you.
Have you got a minute? Not really, I'm busy writing.
- It is rather important.
- Yeah, we've got a deadline I've just been to see my mother.
She's most upset.
- Is she? - It's about this noise - loud music, drums and suchlike.
Keeps stopping and starting? You must have heard it.
No.
Can't say I noticed.
I can't work out where it's coming from.
It's a terrible nuisance.
My mother's trying to get to sleep.
- It's not really night-time - She's 44, Rick.
Yeah, well, like I say, I haven't heard anything, so Yeah, well, if you do hear where it's coming from, um, you will let me know, won't you? Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, heard you on Watch Your Language, by the way.
- My mother and I, we love that show.
- Oh, thanks.
So, what went wrong there, then, eh? Nothing went wrong I mean, goodness me, minus 1 2 points! That's not what matters.
You do realise that's the lowest score they've ever had on that show? - Yeah, yeah, it was deliberate.
- How do you mean? I was deliberately subverting the whole idea of a panel show.
Didn't come across that way.
No? Well, there you go.
It'sit's a very funny show when it's when it's played properly.
- Well, it's a bit dated, if you ask me.
- Ah.
(CLEARS THROAT) So, anyway, if you do find out where the noise is coming from, you will notify me, won't you? Just so that we can sort it out without recourse to the relevant authorities.
Will do.
OK, I've got the lawnmower routine, the manure thing, cat buying a bird bath I'd say you still need another 1 0 minutes' material.
- Unless - I'm not doing the gnome stuff.
There you go - two Gruyère-and-mushroom risottos.
Looks great.
So how's it going, Michael? Good to be back? Oh, you know, just easing myself back into the flow, as Bryony would say.
Bryony? Do we know Bryony? Yeah, Mel put Michael onto her.
She's a psychiatrist.
Psychotherapist, if you don't mind.
I can't thank Mel enough.
Bryony's great.
She met her through work.
She's a shrink on the ressct Green Show.
She resigned.
She felt it was exploitative.
- She calms the chavs down.
- I've seen that! Bryony doesn't do that any more.
Yeah, well, it's good that you're seeing someone.
- Nothing wrong with asking for help.
- Yes, Bryony's helped me enormously.
She's encouraging me to re-focus, to stop turning the anger in on myself.
And she's recommended a very helpful book.
I can honestly say it has changed my life.
- What book is this? - I'm Sad, Not Mad.
- I can lend it to you, if you like.
- What? No, no, I'm all right.
Seriously, I think you should read it.
Why would I wanna read a book like that? - Might help you deal with your issues.
- I haven't got any issues.
I'm not sad.
Or mad, for that matter.
No, of course you're not.
That's your truth, and I respect it.
I just thought you might benefit from seeing someone like Bryony.
Well, that's very good of you, thank you, but I wouldn't, OK? She's very good with anger.
Main thing is, it works for you, Michael.
Hey! Did you hear Rick on Watch Your Language Oh, were you on? I wish I'd known, I love that show.
How did you get on? Yeah, not bad.
I wasI was subverting it, really.
- Catch it on Listen Again.
- Why didn't I think of that? - I wouldn't bother.
- Or just download it! - It takes ages, that.
- Great idea.
I'll look forward to that! Can you believe it? He actually thinks # need therapy! This risotto looks good.
He needed help, so I suggested he give Bryony a call.
I wish you hadn't.
It hasn't worked! I think these things take a bit longer than a week(!) In the old days, they'd just give him a bit of electric shock treatment You're right - ED! Why didn't I think of that(?) I can't help thinking it might be quicker than all this talking, banging on about this, that and the other You know, he actually suggested # needed therapy! (SCOFFS) - Feel free to disagree, by the way.
- Bryony's great.
I think she's just what Michael needs.
- I wish Jeffrey would go and see her.
- Hmm.
How was lunch? He's very down.
He was never that cheerful when he read the news.
No, I'm worried about him.
He seemed quite close to the edge, to be honest.
- (MUSIC BLARES OUT) - Oh, God! - They promised they'd turn it down.
- Is it always this loud? Yes, I told you.
I've had Clive round today complaining cos his mother can't get to sleep.
Oh, poor old Doris.
Did you apologise? No.
Luckily he didn't realise it's coming from here.
I'll go and have a word.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) RICK: Sorry - Sorry! - (music stops) This is way too loud! You're gonna have to use headphones.
- Yeah, OK, no worries.
- Only they're round at Spikey's house.
Well, you're gonna have to get them back from Spikey and start using them.
- Definitely.
- Good.
- (DRUMS CLAnER) - Maybe knock it on the head for tonight? - Yeah, good idea, yeah.
- Good, thank you.
Only we need to get this done.
We're getting loads of hassle.
- I'm sorry, it'll just have to wait.
- They're like, "Oh, where's this stuff?" We're like, "OK, chill!" It's really, really important, Dad.
At least turn the speakers ríght down.
Hmm? And start using the headphones tomorrow? - Definitely, definitely.
- Right.
(MUSIC BLARES OUT) No hard feelings (TUTS) Error ctct9? What the hell does that mean? Out all of the things that can't go wrong, thing number ctct9 went wrong! - Can you fix it? - Sure.
Got a screwdriver? I'll have it working in a jict(!) Yeah, all right.
We'll just have to fax it.
Does anyone have a fax machine nowadays? They've got one down the newsagent.
Let's go.
- At least we finished it.
- Yeah.
So now you're gonna do the gnome stuff, maybe we should get you a pointy hat and a fishing rod? Don't push it.
Thank you very much.
Why have a sign saying "fax service" when they don't do it any more? That's my point - there is no sign.
- There always been a sign.
- When they had a fax machine.
God, they must be mad.
Why would they get rid of it? They used to charge a pound a page I'm gonna get a fax machine, wait till it's the last one in the world, and then charge people an absolute fortune to use it.
Who would they fax? Let's try the library.
Lazy bastards.
- Can't we just go to Mel's office? - I'm not going all the way over there.
- Why not? It's not that far.
- Ssh.
Wait here.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Can I help you? Yeah.
Is this the one that's in the window? - Yeah.
It is currently under offer.
- Oh That's a shame, I really like that.
Um We do have a couple of very similar properties.
Please, take a seat.
(SIGHS) This one's really nice.
Yeah.
- Has it got a garden? - Yeah, south-facing.
- South? - Mm-hm.
Do sit down.
This is a gorgeous house.
Yeah, I know, it looks nice.
Um How many bedrooms? - Three.
- Three? - Yeah, that could work.
- But there's an office space in the loft, - and you could easily convert that.
- Yeah, I might do that.
That's By the way is that a fax machine? - Yeah.
- Thought so.
I couldn't possibly use it for a second, before I - You want to send a fax? - Yeah, just a few pages.
We're not really supposed to.
My boss says it's strictly I'll pay you.
SOp a page.
It's the going rate.
Oh, sorry, we've got a whole pile of stuff to send out.
- Um Oh, you could try the library.
- It's closed.
I really need to send it today.
- Haven't the newsagents got - Not any more, no, so (CLEARS HIS THROUGHT) Look, sorry, are you interested in a house or was it just a fax that you came in for? Oh, no, I do want a house.
It's just that I also need to send a fax, so it'syou know OK, what sort of house are you looking for? Well, I like this one.
That's perfect, really.
- I could show you some more pictures.
- Great.
Sodo you think I could just send the fax first? Just - I can't believe you did that.
- Why not? She sent the fax! Job done.
- You arranged to go view a house! - Yes, she wasn't taking me seriously.
- What happens when you don't show up? - I will, or she'll think I'm bluffing.
- You were bluffing.
- No.
One day I might want to move, so I am a potential house-buyer, not just a fax-sender.
See, that's how she was treating me, like I was some kind of nuisance! - You gonna take Mel to see this place? - What do you think? Of course not! You can't show up on your own.
It's a family home.
If you want her to take you seriously - You want me to go with you? - No.
If you show up by yourself, she'll think you're some kind of screwball.
- Sorry, bit of a backlog in the kitchen.
- That's fine.
Thanks.
Yes, Rick UmI've listened to you on Watch Your Language now.
Oh, cheers, yeah.
I have to say, I thought you were awful.
- Sorry, I - You were very poor.
As a panellist on Watch Your Language.
Hey, Michael, don't spare his feelings(!) - I was subverting it, really.
- I'm afraid it didn't work.
That's a matter of opinion.
If I'm honest, you sounded like an idiot.
But not in a funny way.
Ooh.
There.
Said it.
Sorry if I offended.
It's just Bryony thought I should try being a bit more honest.
- There's a happy medium.
- I've got to work on assertiveness.
She thought it'd be a good exercise to start with you.
Oh, did she? Hang on, you've been talking about me to this Bryony woman? Yes.
You come up quite a lot, actually.
- Oh! So, what have you been saying? - Sorry, confidential.
It's me you're talking about.
I have a right to know.
Afraid not.
No, it has to stay in the room.
I'll get you some mayonnaise.
That's right, you do that, you psycho.
(MARTY CHUCKLES) (MUSIC BOOMS OUT) Oh, right, I've had enough of this.
It's good, though.
I think they got something.
No, they haven't.
It's a bloody racket and it's gonna stop.
Sam Ben, can you stop that? (VOLUME IS LOWERED) - No, can you turn it om - Oh, sorry, yeah.
(MUSIC STOPS) We need to talk about this noise thing.
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
We're just, like, celebrating.
Now look Celebrating what? Well, they want to use one of our songs in an ad.
- Yeah, like, on TV, and whatever.
- What? Yeah.
That's why they wanted to hear more of our stuff.
- Sorry, who did? - Some ad agency.
Yeah, they saw us on YouTube and they want to use one of our songs in an ad campaign.
You know, show it all over Europe and, you know, stuff.
Hang on, they want to use one of your songs in a TV advert? Yeah, yeah, looks like it.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, they want to talk about money and all that stuff.
So, what was it you wanted to say? I was just gonna say how much I've been enjoying all this music you've been making.
- Oh! - Well done.
- Cheers.
- Cool.
- Carry on.
- (TrmG) Wow! (LAUGHS) (DRUMSTICKS ctLE) (MUSIC BLARES) - It's incredible.
- Isn't it? I rang the advertising agency today, had a long chat with them.
- Did you? - Yeah.
They're really serious about it! Oh, that's great, I'm so pleased for them.
Yeah, me too, I knew something like this would happen.
I must say, it's nice to have some good news.
- Hm? - ctctrey.
Oh! Is he still going on about his wife leaving him? Well, yeah She's a nasty piece of work.
She's after everything she can get.
She won't be happy till he's bankrupt.
Oh, great.
You know this ad is gonna be shown all over Europe? Obviously, I'm sorry about Jeffrey.
That's, you know They're gonna end up making a packet! They really need a manager! I know.
I'll have to ask around, see who's good.
Someone who knows the industry, bit musical Izzy might have some idea.
people skills Suppose the rest I can just pick up as I go along.
I'll get onto it tomorrow.
Yeah Yeah, might as well.
I'm actually quite busy tomorrow.
Right, so, this is it.
- So, this is a nice open-plan room.
- Yeah.
Plenty of light.
It's beautiful.
It's got a really nice feel, I think.
- Very nice.
- Hmm.
You could extend out there if you wanted to give yourself some extra space.
- Yeah, that's quite a lot of work.
- Lots of people have done it.
Trouble is, it takes up a lot of valuable garden space.
- Well, it is quite a big garden.
- Yeah, but, umI might want to buy a horse No.
Obviously, I'm joking.
OK, well, I'll show you the kitchen.
ct To bear the weight and push into the sky ct It's easier to lie, easier to lie ct and honestly To look you in the eye ct It's easier to lie, easier ct Easier to lie ct nh ct - So, what do you think? - It'svery nice house.
Yeah, it's got a nice feel to it.
- So you're interested? - Would love to live in a house like this.
It's got a lot going for it, but - I think we should probably go and - Do you know, I owe you an apology.
- Sorry? - It's a terrible thing to say, but I had you down as a time-waster.
Me? No! I thought all this was about the fax, and that you were too embarrassed to admit it.
What? No No, I do want to buy a house.
In fact, my boss said, "Don't even give him the time of day.
" Did he? But I said, "No, no, I think he might be genuine.
" Well, I am.
So you can tell your boss that I amgenuine.
- Not a time-waster.
- So you're definitely interested? Yep, very interested.
Yeah, definitely.
Great, so in that case, can I take it that you want to put an offer in? Um Yeah! Why not? I mean, you love it, don't you babe? So, how much would you like to offer? Ahlet's just I think just go in low, a bit under the asking price - So, that would be - That would be Oh, you know what, let's not mess around.
I'll give the asking price - cos, look, she loves it.
- Well, that's brilliant.
OK, do you have any property to sell? No, no.
I'm a cash buyer cos I'm in the music business.
I manage this band called Ben And Sam, they're gonna be massive.
Right, well, that's fantastic.
Um I'm sure you'll both be very happy here.
- So you have bought house? - No.
No, I haven't, no.
But you have said, "I will buy.
" No.
No, you've misunderstood.
You have shaked hands with the lady.
I haven't bought a house, so Lady thinks you have She's misunderstood as well, I think.
She's not very experienced.
In my country, if you say, "I will buy," and you shake the hands - It's not how it works here.
- then you have to buy You can say you'll buy a house and then just pull out.
Yes? Yes.
People do it all the time.
Anyway, what's it matter? No-one gets hurt.
So you will telephone lady and say now that you don't want the house? - Yeah.
- She will not mind that you do this? No, i-i-it'll all be forgotten.
It's probably better you don't mention it to Mel.
Or Marty.
Or anyone, for that matter.
When was it you wanted to borrow the car? No, it's not important.
It can wait.
I'll ring back tomorrow.
Yeah, bye.
- Still not there? - Oh, she's gone home for the day.
Bloody estate agents! They have an easy life, don't they? What is it you want to talk to her about, anyway? Oh, it's just something I want to clear up.
Cos if you need to send another fax, there's got to be an easier way.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Maybe that's her now.
- Hello, Rick, sorry to bother you.
- I was in the middle of a phone call.
- I think you know what this is about.
- No.
- The noise we discussed the other day.
- Oh, yeah, that.
It's coming from your house, Rick.
Oh, the music? Sorry, I didn't realise you meant that noise.
Well, you must've done.
I specifically mentioned loud music and drums.
- I don't remember you saying - Those were my very words.
Well, that's your truth, and I respect it.
Eh? Look, what it is, is my daughter's band.
They're doing really well.
They've just been offered a big record deal.
Why didn't you say that in the first place? I asked you to your face.
I know, but Why did you lie? There were quite a number of record companies after them, so we had to keep their location secret, and that's why You see, to me, that just sounds like another lie, Rick.
Well, it's not.
Anyway, the point is, from now on, they'll be in a recording studio.
Good.
Well, I'll leave it at that, then.
Just so long as you can guarantee that my mother won't hear them again.
She won't.
Not unless she watches the Brit awards.
Where is Orpington? - It's sort of there.
- Is for car-boot sell.
Is it? So, how's it all going? - Yeah, it's all cool.
- Good.
Have you heard back from them? About the contract? Er, yeah.
Ben spoke to them this morning.
Great! So, is it just your music they wanna use, or are you gonna be in it? Yeah, well, we decided we're not gonna do it.
What? - We told them they can't use our music.
- Uh? Yeah, it's all a bit fact, really, innit? Oh, Sam, you can't just pull out.
- We haven't signed anything, Dad.
- But you gave them your word.
You can't go back on your word.
Yeah, but, you know, it's like Ben was saying - it's not really us.
Yeah, but it could be.
Hmm, it was an advert for an air freshener, so What's wrong with air fresheners? Air fresheners are good.
I was in a building society commercial Once.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe they've got a point.
Oh, what point? This was their big break and they've thrown it away.
That's not what's important to them.
Should be! They might never get another chance like this.
That song would've been played everywhere.
- In an air freshener ad? - What is wrong with that?! I admire them for it.
It's a brave decision.
It's a stupid decision.
And I bet it was Ben's.
Well, anyway, on a happier note, it looks like Jeffrey's financial problems are over.
Oh, are they? Well, let's hope that cheers him up.
He's ecstatic.
He sold his house today.
Really? Someone just walked in and offered the asking price.
Cash buyer! He's in the music business, apparently.
Oh.
ct I wanna get high ct But I really can't take the pain ct Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane ct Hi, Magda.
So, how was the car-boot sale? Was good.
I made fS9! - Well done! - But I could not sell this And I find this in box.
It's Ben's? Oh.
Oh I wonder how that got in there (SIGHS) ct Now you're gonna be in summer time ct