Letterkenny (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

You were chorin' with your pals the other day.
(BLOWING NOSE) - Don't be a fuckin' degen, Dary.
- What? Well, every time you snot rocket Or farmer spit You lick your lips after, and it's fuckin' gross.
You act like yous got it all your damn self.
I'm not a fuckin' snot licker, that's for GD sure.
The last time I checked, nothin' up there that can't hurt me.
Incorrect, big shooters.
Snots is actually your body's garbage removal system.
When you breathe in, your nose hairs collects all sorts of dusts and debris, including bacterias and viruses.
That's your body's way of removing them from you.
That's what snots is.
Dust and debris and viruses and what? Figure it out.
You're getting rid of that dust and debris intranasallys and then you just takes it right back in orally.
Well, youse can both take it anally, that's all I give a care about.
You better settle down over there, or I'm gonna come talk to you.
- Speaking of taking things anallys - Moving on.
- I gots a question.
- Nope.
It's of the personal varietys.
There's such a thing as too much butt talk, and a fella oughta be fuckin' aware of it.
Well, youse guys are my friends.
I relys on you for counsel.
I gots a problem and I need my friends.
If a man asks for help, you help him.
Pitter-patter.
Youse guys remembers that gal - I took to the chip trucks last summer? - Fuck's sake.
(CHUCKLES )The one who put her finger in your bum? - Mind your fuckin' beeswax, Dary.
- That's the one, Dary.
It's impolite to kiss and tell, Dan.
Well, I knows it's impolites to kiss and tells, - but - No butts.
Actually, this involves a significant butt.
Hers or yours? I'm gonna take a fuckin' migraine here.
Anyways, she was askings me about Performings the anal sex on her.
Youse guys Youse guys ever do that? You ever Takes the dirt road home? - No.
- No.
Well, Professor Tricia from my women's studies group, she says it's quite commons to Enter through the back door.
Uh Mind you she didn't stress whethers that was naturals Well, but, like I've been told, that where vagina sex is like a total encasing of the penis, like Like sticking a hot dog inside a pogo, and then like, anal sex is a partial encasing of the penis, so it'd be more like putting a hot dog in a beer bottle.
- Waynes? - No.
- Dary? - The answer's still no.
But I have been told the same thing as Dary, that whereas vagina sex provides stimulation of the entire penis, like a sausage inside a burrito, but bum sex provides stimulation only from like Well, like the rim of the butt hole rather than inside the butt hole also.
So, what you're sayings is, it's less like going inside this Long John Silvers here, and more like going inside this honey cruller here.
Correct.
It's less like going inside this loaf of bread And more like going inside this bagel.
- Waynes? - No.
- Dary? - Answer's still no.
But I have been told that it's less like going inside this wheel of Brie cheese and more like going inside this piece of Swiss cheese.
Oh, I love Swiss cheese.
I love honey crullers.
You don't like bagels.
Nope.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (SIGHS) I need to borrow your truck, big brother.
- What for? - To take these two back to the city.
- For good? - Yeah.
(KEYS RATTLE) Why youse taking them back to the city, Katy? Why don't you ask them? Okay.
Shep.
Kingsley, why is Katy's taking you backs to the citys? Probably 'cause we're big fat tubs of lard.
It's 'cause we're too tubby.
Does that answer your question, Dan? Gotcha.
If I was a supporting character in a Tom Hanks movie, I'd be Tubba Gump.
Oh, sure, sure.
And if youse were an early Jake Gyllenhaal film, you'd be Tubble Boy.
If I was a career resurrecting Matthew McConaughey vehicle, - I'd be Dallas Buyers Tub.
- Exactly.
And if you were an Original NES two-player fighting game, you'd be Tubble-Dragon.
I knew youse were tubble when you walked in.
Let's go.
Don't forget to come back for the opening of MoDean's 2.
Let's get hammered, boys.
Those is acceptable terms, Ms.
Katy's.
'Bout time we had some sort of bar in this town.
Gail called.
She says she needs a hand getting set up.
Yeah.
We gotta go past Jivin' Pete's You-Brew-Too to pick up the kegs.
Youse can do that without me.
Mmm.
What's Jivin' to do now? Besides hangin' out with degens from up country? (GRUMBLES) Jivin's not really a goods guy anymore, is he? Mmm, no.
I wouldn't call Jivin' a good guy anymore.
Jivin' honked his horn at Katy when she was crossing the street uptown.
Jivin' shouldn't have done that.
Jivin' laughed at her, too, when she jumped.
He scared her.
- To be fair - To be fair ALL: (SING-SONG) To be fair Jivin's pals laughed, too.
Jivin's pals shouldn't have done that.
Jivin' and his pals thinks so much of themselves they probably suck each other off.
We'll go pick up the kegs from Jivin's.
You want us to tell Jivin' you're gonna come talk to him? You know how he feels about talkin's.
He'll hear it from me.
- 10-4, good buddy.
- Over and out.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - Hey, girl.
- Hey, boy.
- Superstar DJ.
ALL: Hey.
Here we go! - Who are you? - Gae.
So am I.
I didn't ask what you were, girl.
I didn't tell you what I am, boy.
Who are you? - I'm Gae.
- So am I.
No, you're not.
(QUIVERING) That's exactly what my father said to me.
So you're in the business of opening wounds, girl? Stop calling me girl, boy.
- And what shall I call you? - Gae.
I'm the only gay in this crew! And I was born this way, Stewart! I support you, remember? Let me get this straight.
He's a homosexual? That's exactly what my mother said to me.
(CRYING) The exact same way.
You will delete yourself from this dwelling, girl.
But not before you reveal your motive behind your vexations streak! - Fine.
- And after that, huh, you better bizzounce! My name is Gae.
That's your name? Wow.
And I thought Roald's parents never gave him a chance (SOBBING) They didn't My parents banished me to Letterkenny from the city to live with my aunt because of poor behavior.
- You're an outcast.
- I'm a deportee.
- You're a vagrant.
- (WHISPERS) I'm in exile.
(EXHALES) Arresting.
Everyone here is some form of derelict.
I will hear you out Gae.
ROALD: Dad Yup.
Still a homo But you're the one who named me after the author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! - Listen up, you pilons.
- Grab a knee, plugs.
All right.
Now, I know you guys may not want to hear this, but getting rid of that puck bunny is the first step towards getting a W, boys.
We'll introduce you to a couple of sporty little spices down the road, boys.
But I like that sporty little spice.
BOTH: Pardon? Sorry.
Sorry, man, my bad.
Boomtown! But I like that sporty little spice! Okay.
Well, you'd better learn to hate her because she's the reason we have zero W's on the season, boys.
- We need that W, boys.
- Gotta have that W, boys.
Gotta want that W, boys.
And the first step to getting it is Beating your opponent mentally.
Gotta get inside of his head, boys.
Hockey is 90% mental, 10% skill.
Unless you're a retired NHL tough guy Basil McRae, who says hockey is 50% mental, 50% being mental.
(SOFTLY) Still not sure that's PC, buddy.
No.
Baz makes his own rules, though, buddy.
- Love Baz, bro.
- Baz for life, yo.
(BOTH CLEAR THROAT) Now, the easiest way to get inside your opponent's head, boys, is by chirping from the bench.
Obviously, boys.
Talk is for Schmelts, you little bitch.
Do your talking on the scoreboard, schmelts.
- Oh.
Oh, okay.
- Hmm Have any of you guys been doing any talking on the scoreboards lately? - Hey? Hmm? - Nice stats, no stats.
Fine, you little bitch.
We'll try it your way, schmelts.
BOTH: Good.
Tonight, we will be taking you boys through chirping from the bench 101.
- We can get this W, boys.
- We will get this W, boys.
You're not gonna get this W, boys, not by yourselves.
But luckily for you pheasants, someone in this room has got some jam.
Ready to meet your new teammate? Come on! (WATER RUNNING) Look at this tour de force.
This piece de resistance.
This masterpiece.
- Huh? - (GRUNTING SOFTLY) Look at that hustle.
Look at that jam.
Multitasking, pheasants.
Maxing every single second! That's how you get the W, boys.
SHORESY: Well, fuck, boys, I was already down here ripping ass whilst figured I'd rip some raps.
What the fuck are you looking at, tit fucker? - Give your balls a tug.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Reily.
Fight me, see what happens.
Yeah, what's gonna happen, Shoresy? Three things, I hit you, you hit the pavement, ambulance hits 60.
That's the worst chirp I've ever heard in my entire life, Shoresy.
That's my slow-learning Mennonite uncle's favorite chirp.
SHORESY: Yeah, it's your mom's favorite chirp, too, buddy.
Ask her, see what happens.
Yeah? What's gonna happen, Shoresy? Three things, I hit you, you hit the pavement, I fuck your mom again.
Fuck you, Shoresy.
Fuck you, Jonesy.
Your mom just liked my Instagram post from two years ago in Puerto Vallarta.
Tell her I'll put my swim trunks on for her anytime she likes.
Fuck you, Shoresy! Fuck you, Reilly.
Your mom keeps trying to slip a finger in my bum, but I keep telling her I only let Jonsey's mom do that, you fuckin' loser.
My mom would never put a finger in your bum! Mum's a fuckin' saint.
Fuck your entire fuckin' life, you piece of shit.
Gail, how're ya now? - Good, 'an you? - Not bad.
ALL: To MoDean's 2! Ah.
It's a hell of a space you got.
Thanks for the help, boys.
You're welcome, Gails.
Wasn't Jivin' Pete supposed to deliver those himself? - Yeah.
- What happened with that? My cousin said she seen him with some degens from up country.
(GROWLS) Anywho, Old Gail's all sorts of jazzed about MoDean's 2.
So are we, Gails.
I'm so jazzed I couldn't sleep last night.
I was up flickin' more bean than a Starbucks barista.
- Good enough, Gail.
- I mean it.
Handled more dime than a homeless man.
- Where do these go? - Back door Where you know you're always welcome, Wayne.
- Okay.
- (OBJECT THUDS) There someone else here? Yeah.
I hired a couple waitresses.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Oh Bonnie McMurray.
I thought you said there was two, uh, waitresses.
- Glen? - Wayne! (CHUCKLES) Well, I guess the kitten's out of the clutch, again.
Glen's back to waitressing.
Well, you look - Ordinary.
- (EXCLAIMS) Did you hear that? That's some hot praise coming from Mr.
Extraordinary.
(CHUCKLES) Gave him a little makeover.
Figured if you guys get some eye candy, old Gail is gonna help herself to a fistful too.
Mmm.
Gail got me the Lasik so (GROWLS) BOTH: Hi, Bonnie.
- Hi, Wayne.
- How're ya now? Bonnie, kegs are coming in, so make sure the lines are clean.
Glen, go throw some ice in the urinals.
I know it's like a little video game for you guys.
Can confirm.
BOTH: Bye, Bonnie.
BOTH: Bye, Wayne.
No, I was going to say it first.
You don't want to go toe-to-toe with me, darlin' Anyway, back to Jivin'.
He's turned into a bit of a tit, hasn't he? Yeah, his pals too.
Well, if you've got something to say about Jivin', you should say it to his face.
Bad gas travels fast in a small town.
You don't want him hearin' that from somebody else.
- It's dishonorable.
- It's a true story.
Saddle up to the bar when you're done.
I'll show my new Haitian taco.
Well, I don't know if that's foods or not, but if it is, I'm lookin' forward to it.
It's only for Wayne.
Well, then I guess it's not foods.
But I'm gonna pencil you in for a chats, Gail, 'cause Haitian tacos, that sounds like we got something there.
You guys remember when Jivin was pissing down the hay mow and Alexander was climbing up and he got a bit of pee in his mouth? Enough talk about Jivin' And then, you remember the same night Alexander fell face first into the cow paddy and got a bit of poop up nose? That's pretty much par for the course with Alexanders.
So, what would you rather have then, a bit of pee in your mouth or a bit of poop up your nose? Well Well, fuckin' neither.
Well, but it's hypothetical, it's a game.
It's called, "Would You Rather.
" So, you got to pick one or the other is what you're saying.
Yes.
It's hypothetical.
Kinda feels like you did pot.
Well, how much pee's are we talking about? Yeah, and how much poop? Okay, so if we're talking about, like an eyedropper, be like, mmm Four or five drops of pee, right in your mouth.
Or, let's call it like, the end of the pinkie fingernail, full poop, up your nose.
For the rest of your life.
Oh, so it's for the rest of your fuckin' life now? Yeah.
Would you rather have a bit of pee in your mouth, or a bit of poop up nose? And you You can't spits the pee's out your mouth or blows the poops out of your nose? Well, see, Dary would just lick it off his lips after blowin' it out anyway.
That's correct, Dan.
I think I'd take the poops in my nose.
But then you'd be smelling poop for the rest of your life.
And poop is potent, pal.
Yeah, but if you had pee's in your mouth and every time you takes a bites of food, you You're gonna be tasting pee's.
Yeah.
And you're gonna have to swallow a bit of that pee with every time you take a bite of food.
Do you wanna know what, I'd take the poop.
Yes, I would take the poop.
Well, there's no chance of ingesting's the poop? Well, I'm not a scientist or anything, that's not really my forte, but say you had the sniffles, right? And you honk one back, and you get a piece of that poop right in the back of your throat, that's down the hatch.
Well, see that's changing the fuckin' rules, Dary.
Before you said you're either taste the pee or smell the poop.
Now you're saying you're tasting and smelling poop.
Well, the pee is in your mouth and the poop is in your nose.
What happens after that is beyond my control.
Well, he's right there, Wayne.
DARYL: So? 'Kay, just 'Kay, you wanna know what 'Kay, let's all answer at the exact same time.
And a one and a two and a one, two, three - ALL: Poop Pee.
- What the fuck was that shit? - That is shameful, Dary.
- That is Shame on you.
(ALL ARGUING) Know what? I'd have a fuckin' spit! Now before we proceed, dost thou knoweth where Devon is? - Who? - Devon.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes? - No! - (WHIMPERS) You appear Felonious.
You appear erroneous.
How are we to know that you are not responsible for Devon's disappearance? I don't know, how are you? Still a little hurt and fragile from speaking with my father.
But thank you for asking.
That's not what she's saying, Roald.
- (WHIMPERS) - What are you saying, Stewart? I'm just saying, as Devon fades, you materialize.
Simple math.
Child's play.
Cool movie.
Though I prefer Problem Child.
Same.
(WHISPERS) What's with the clown costume? Sit.
Stay.
Speak.
What's with the clown costume? Don't you watch the news? There are clowns inflicting apprehension on the general public via sheer terrorism, or petty vandalism all over North America.
So, you've coalesced with some sort of continental, inter-colonial clown posse? I'm a bad seed.
Staying out late, missing curfew, you know I know.
- Kissing boys.
- (SOFTLY) Hmm.
I know.
- What is it you seek, Gae? - Asylum.
Remember Soul Asylum? Cool band.
Though I prefer Soulfly.
Same.
- Collective Soul? - Or Soulwax.
- Wondrous.
- soulDecision? - Asylum granted! - Domo.
- Arigato.
- I'm here to rebel.
Give me three good reasons why you feel you must rebel.
I hate the world.
I hate my parents.
I hate myself.
As you were.
My parents banished me here for poor behavior.
It is my goal to behave even worse in Letterkenny, so they have no choice but to bring me back.
Formidable.
Jocular.
Allow us to assist.
To aid.
To be your asset.
- Oui.
- C'est bon.
- Prodigious.
- First rate.
- Boss.
- Incroyable.
Hooray.
But first Our wardrobe craves alteration.
What (MOUTHS) What does that - (GROWLS) - (WHIMPERS) Okay, boys let's keep it simple, ferda.
KISF principle, buddy.
Keep it simple, ferda.
Repetition is the key.
Pick a topic.
Beat the shit out of it, ferda.
Topic is "ugly.
" BOTH: The tip of the tongue, the teeth and lips.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth and lips.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth and lips.
(BOTH EXCLAIM) (BOTH CLEAR THROAT) - Fuck, are you ugly, 2-2.
- You're fuckin' ugly, 2's.
Your ugly requires a sign, 22.
"Caution.
Fuckin' ugly.
" Your ugly requires a disclaimer, 2-2.
"Parental Advisory.
Explicit ugly.
" - You're up.
- Hey.
Ugly.
You little bitch.
Yorkie.
Look at you, ugly.
Scholtzy.
You're ugly.
Pussy.
Fisky.
Wow.
Ugly.
Boomtown! Oh, man Ugly.
Keep practicing, boys.
Dig deep.
Bare down, boys.
That was a piss-poor start, buddy.
Delicious pun, buddy, since we're pissing.
- That was ugly.
- (URINATING) Well, you gotta work through adversity, find a way to win.
Fore check.
Back check.
Pay check, buddy.
Cross check.
- Hip check.
- Stick check? No, waving your stick's a free ticket to sit.
Hate sittin' buddy.
The boys'll figure it out in no time.
The boys'll get the mental W, we'll get the scoreboard W.
- Ferda.
- Ferda.
- (VOCALIZING) - (BOTH GROANING) SHORESY: What are you pissing so close to the urinals for, you piece of shit? This is how a real man rocks a piss.
Give your balls a tug, tit fucker.
I'm coming, Shoresy! I heard the same thing from your mum last night five to seven times.
And that's not even my record, you fuckin' loser.
What the fuck, man! Sorry you had to do this, fellas.
Jivin' Pete was supposed to be around with the sidewalk plow.
Jivin's full of shits.
Yeah, him and his pals are probably suckin' each other off right now.
What did I say? Bad gas travels fast in a small town.
You don't want him hearin' this from somebody else.
It's dishonorable.
Okay.
Would you rather have a penis for a nose, or a vagina for a mouth? Hand me another horn 100% of the time (SOFTLY) all the time.
Well, can you use them as functioning sex organs or are they just sorts of there? Mmm.
No, they are not functional, so you can't have an orgasm through 'em and you can't take a piss through 'em.
So then you're eatin' from a vagina mouth or sniffin' through a penis nose? Correct.
All this vagina eating talk is getting this old goat all sorts of fired up, Wayne.
- Fair warning.
- 'Kay.
I think I'd just have to say the vagina's mouth.
It's just less intrusives.
Well, it's gotta be the vagina mouth.
Who wants a dink hangin' down bouncing off their lips all fuckin' day? Mmm.
You're just walking me right into it at this point, cowboy.
'Kay.
Let's 'Kay, you know what? 'Kay.
Let's all answer at the same time.
And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three - ALL: Vagina mouth - DAN: Penis nose.
Oh, that's fuckin' gross, Dan.
That's fuckin' disgusting, Dan.
Walking around with a mouthful of roast beef all day.
Youse have never had a dick bouncing off your lips.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Fuck's sake From this moment forward, we are a collective.
A confab.
- A conclave.
- A clambake.
- (SCOFFS) - We are FAK-U.
Freaks Acting Krayzee ALL: United.
Roald.
Have you prepared the final accessory? FAK-U! (MUSIC PLAYING) One Gino tonight, but no W, ferda.
One Gino too, ferda, but no W tonight, boys.
Gotta focus on the small victories, boys.
Size matters, bro.
All right boys, two seconds left.
Let's show us what you got.
Remember what we taught you, boys.
Talk is for schmelts, you little bitch.
We ain't schmelts.
Schmelts.
Okay, boys, we're running out of time on the scoreboard to do any talking.
Try it our way, boys.
Pick a topic.
Beat the shit out of it.
Yorkie? Topic is "skate"! Scholtzy.
Fuckin' skate, 2-7.
Pussy.
Fisky.
Skate, you fuckin' pylon.
Boomtown! Come on, you fuckin' plug, skate! All right boys, now add a little English on it.
Add a little hot sauce, boys.
Add a little habanero pepper, ferda.
Add a little ghost pepper, ferda! Come on, 2-7, you fuckin' sea salt sprinkling sally, skate! Yorkie? You think you're Chuck Galchenyuk? Nice microns, you fuckin' hipster dandy.
Skate! Scholtzy.
Skate! Pussy! Fisky.
What's wrong with you, you fuckin' cement boot, no legs, cupcake cocksman? Skate! Boomtown! I hate you like I hate puck bunnies, bitch.
Skate! - (BANGING ON TABLE) - (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh! Yeah, fuckin' loved that move when I was in the third grade.
What else can you do, you ugly fuck? Can you suck my knob? You're a knob sucker, 27.
- (VOCALIZING) - (BUZZER SOUNDING) (ALL CHEERING) - (RATTLING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Whoo! DARYL: Would you guys rather be surrounded by three bed bugs every night of your life, or three mosquitoes every day of your life? KATY: You're an idiot, Daryl.
Are you allowed to kill the bed bugs or the skeeters? No.
So, they're immortal bed bugs or skeeters? Would you rather be surrounded by three bed bugs every night of your life, or three mosquitoes every day of your life? No ostrich fuckers here, hicks.
I hear you're going around town saying I'm full of shit.
- Jivin' Pete.
- (KATY SIGHS) Bad gas travels fast in a small town.
Yes, I did say that.
And that my friends and I are so into ourselves we probably suck each other off? Yes, I did say that too.
Would you say it to my face? I'm embarrassed this got to you before you heard it from me.
You should be.
I'm not the type of prick to take the side door.
I'll come right up front and knock.
Good.
- Knock-knock.
- Who's You're at Jivin' Pete's.
I think you're full of shit and you and your pals think so much of yourselves you probably suck each other off.
JIVIN' PETE: Are you fuckin' serious? What's anybody gonna do about it? Say you're sorry.
JIVIN' PETE: I'm sorry.
Don't honk at girls, and don't holler at girls.
And don't talk to them when they're not interested in talking to you.
And don't talk to 'em unless they're interested in talking to you.
10-4? Over and out.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) (INAUDIBLE) (INAUDIBLE) (INAUDIBLE) Subtitle by peritta