Little Britain (UK) s03e03 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain.
There's so much to see and do here.
Why not get stuck in the one-way system in Birmingham, or get caught up in a fight in a pub car park in Swansea? Or why not get food poisoning from a motorway service caféŽ just outside Stoke? But our greatest attraction is the people of Britain.
Hip hop, don't stop! it's early late afternoon morning, and this is the office of PR guru Cliff Maxford.
Take a seat.
Now, l've spoken to the News Of The World and they are very interested in your story.
What 'appened? What happened was l met these footballers and got totally roasted.
A thousand hundred pounds, please.
Of course we need to establish this is a genuine story.
Now, let's start at the beginning.
We was all at this club, Chinese Whites There were famous people like Dean Gaffney and Jodie Marsh and thingy, that professor Stephen Hawkins and it was amazing, l was well the fittest girl there.
And the people came in from Coronation Street and they tried to do me.
Even that Chesney tried to stick his tongue down me.
l'm not a slag, or nuffin.
l wanna find a life partner, cos l've already had six kids by seven different blokes.
- Where did you meet the footballers? - l'm getting there! l was just about to say it, if you had just waited.
Then the footballers came in or somethin' or nuffin from the clubs Like Tottenham and Chelsea Park Rangers, They like really wanted to do me, but l was wearing this short skirt so they could all see my strawberry Mivvi.
Wh-what happened next? Then the footballers took me to this expensive hotel called Travelodge, and l thought it was to talk about football, but l ended up doing sex with them.
Afterwards l felt really used, cos l thought they loved me.
Have you got any photographic evidence? No, but, yeah, but, no, but yeah but l actually have actually so shut up! Because this is a actual photo from it.
There's me there actually doing it with all of 'em.
l'm so degraded.
l'm used.
l'm dirty.
lt was rubbish, anyway, cos they all had well tiny knobs.
Vicky, l'm not sure this story's gonna stick.
Oh my god! l so can't believe you just said that.
l'm like well gonna be the new Abby Titchmarsh.
- Please, Vicky, l'm a very busy man.
- Tsk.
Oooh.
Come back when you've got a better story.
- Yes? - l've done a gangbang with G4.
it's a quarter to Gino Gianelli and Lou has been out shopping for his friend Andy.
Oh, hello.
l've just been out shoppin'.
Oh dear, let me help you.
lt's not for me.
It's for a disabled man.
Come on, yellow truck.
- Mornin', Andy.
- Mornin', Len.
- Lou.
- Yeah, l know.
- l got all your shopping for ya.
- Did you get me Razzle? Yes l don't want you to spend the whole day looking at pictures of naked ladies.
l want that one and that one.
We'd all like a go on a nice naked lady, yes No, l want that one and that one.
- You want breasts? - Yeah.
- You want a breast enlargement operation? - Yeah.
- Why? - Something to play with.
l'm not sure that's a good idea.
l want tits.
lt'd be a right kerfuffle.
And anyway, l thought you were against plastic surgery.
You said that cosmetic enhancement was symptomatic of a sick society that worships the cult of youth and beauty, meanwhile seeking the quick fix of physical change was left morally wanting.
- Yeah, l know.
- Well, then - l want tits, though.
- Oh, God of Love.
l look a pillock.
Our next stop is at this charming restaurant just off the A27390938662 .
.
five.
The reason l've bought you here today, is because one of our patients, Anne Have you met Anne? Have you? Yes.
Well, she's got herself a job here as a pianist.
lt's just a part-time job but she does find playing the piano to be very calming.
lt must be one of her own compositions.
Oh, careful.
There's a slipper in your soup.
Thank you very much, you've been a wonderful audience.
Holidays can be booked at travel agents line this.
The word "holiday" is derived from the Greek word "holidius" which directly translates as, "sex with coach driver", Could l just finish my coffee? - Yes Yes.
- Sue, can you make me a cup of coffee? That was foul.
Do take a seat.
We We've got our golden wedding anniversary coming up.
Yes.
We'll have been married We've been saving up and we've always promised ourselves a cruise.
Er, maybe something with Saga.
- Computer says no.
- oh.
Gets booked up early, you see Old people.
l've got another option.
P&O.
- Ooh! - Where does that go? Dover to Calais.
No.
We're looking for a proper cruise.
- l've got a good deal here.
- Yes? The Russian cargo vessel taking nuclear waste to the Baltic.
Well l-l really don't fancy that.
All the pickled herring you can eat.
- No! - No Do you have to be in a cruise ship, or could you be in a canoe? We're not keen on canoeing.
Shame.
l've got some great deal here on adventure holidays Are you under 16? No.
- No.
- We'll leave it then.
- Thank you.
Can you put your hands over your mouth when you cough, please? That's disgusting.
- Sorry.
Trivial Pursuit is Britain's second most popular board game.
After Poke Mummy.
People and places.
Ooh! This is an 'ard one for you.
Who replaced Lord Carrington as Britain's foreign secretary during the Falklands War? Fwancis Pimm.
Correct.
How did you know that? ln my little village of Pong Pong, we do have plenty newspaper.
Yes, well, a piece of pie for you.
- Pink.
- Ooh.
You'll never get this one.
What was BBC Breakfast fitness queen, Diana Moran, better known as? - l used to have a thing for her.
- The Gween Goddess.
- Another go.
- Hang on a sec.
lf you only lived in Pong Pong, Ting Tong, how did you know about The Green Goddess? Um Well Where exactly are you from, Ting Tong? Ting Tong from Tooting.
Tooting, Ting Tong? Not Pong Pong? Tooting, not Pong Pong for Ting Tong.
Lies Lies upon lies upon deceit upon lies.
- l'm sorry, Mr Dudwee.
- Come on, get out.
Get out of my flat.
- But Mr Dudwee - That's it.
Pack your bags.
l want you out! Is that it, then? Six wonderful days over just like that? - Yes.
Over.
- Is there nothing l can do? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Hello.
l Gween Goddess.
l here to get you up in the mornin'.
Oh, God.
- Youstill want me go? - Not just yet.
First Let's go do warm-up.
It's half-past Top Cat, the indisputable boss cat, and MP Sir Norman Fry is once again facing the press.
l have a statement l would like to read.
''On Monday night, following a long meeting with the Chancellor, ''l needed to go to the toilet, so l went to one l knew would be open at three in the morning.
''On Hampstead Heath.
''Upon my arrival, l met two men, Carlos and Eduardo, ''who invited me into their cubicle to talk to them about government policy.
''Unfortunately, l slipped on the wet floor ''and became sandwiched between the two men.
''ln a position that the arresting officer informed me is known as a spit roast.
'' As far as l am concerned that is the end of the matter.
Oh, and by the way, Carlos, if you've had the X-ray and found my watch, please do return it to me.
lt belonged to my late father.
Thank you.
lt was a special birthday These are amongst the few fat people left in Britain after her Majesty the Queen ordered a cull in her jubilee year.
God bless you, ma'am, .
.
try something new, dust on a stick.
Now, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our midssst.
He is a new member and he is actually a very famous act-or.
Now, we've had a word, he wants to lose a few pounds but he don't wanna be treated different.
So, will you please welcome from EastEnders, Charlie Slater.
Thank you.
Oh, sorry.
l called you Charlie, didn't l? What's your real name, my sweet? - Derek.
Derek Martin.
- So, Charlie, welcome to the group.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Stop bothering him.
Honestly, he's not even one of the main ones.
So, Charlie, what we do with all new members is we weigh them.
Do you just wanna pop on the scales for me, my love? Yeah.
(Sings EastEnders theme tune) No, don't.
Cos he's not here cos of that.
He's here cos he's very fat.
So let's not embarrass him.
No.
So, you are Actually, l must just ask you l never watch it myself But what's gonna happen with Kat and Alfie? ls their marriage gonna survive the affair? Is he gonna leave? l'm just here really to try and lose some weight.
Yeah, cor! He's on telly.
Get over it! l know what it's like being famous.
l've actually been in the audience on The Wright Stuff.
So, we are 16 stone 5.
You know, that surprises me, because you're fat but on telly you look really fat.
- Really grotesque.
- Thanks very much.
My pleasure.
Off you pop.
Give 'im room.
Now, today, we are gonna be looking at calorie hotsp l must ask.
Have you got Nigel Harman's phone number for me? l don't think Nigel would want me to give it.
Cor, Nigel Harman, eh, girl? Hey? Phwoar! We like a bit of Nigel, don't we? Phwoar! l would let him do some really grim stuff to me.
Eh? Nigel Harman, yeah? Nigel, yeah? We like a bit of Nigel, don't we?! Yeah! Nigel! Nigel! Yeah! Nigel! Meera probably doesn't have a clue what l'm talking about.
Yes.
EastEnders.
l love it.
No, l can't Do it again.
- l love it.
- Nah, do it again.
- l love it.
- Do it again.
- l love it! - Oh, ri No.
Do it again.
- l love it! - Who hasn't heard of it? EastEnders, Meera.
It's like the Mahabharat, only shorter.
So, the thing about Actually, l must just ask.
What happens to Mo in the end? - l don't know what you mean.
- What happens in the end? - l don't know.
We're not told that.
- Oh.
What happens to Pauline in the end? - l don't know.
- What happens to Phil? - l don't know.
- What happens to Dot in the end? Look, these things haven't been decided yet.
No, but what happens to lan in the end.
There isn't really an end.
It just kinda carries on.
What happens to Sonia in the end? l don't know.
l don't know what happens to any of these people.
Stop asking me what happens to them in the end! - What happens to Pat in the end? - Look, l'm sorry.
l've just come here to lose weight.
l didn't mean it to be a whole thing about being in EastEnders.
l've obviously made a mistake.
l'm sorry.
All right? - (Mimics EastEnders drums at end of episode) - Give it a rest.
Shame on you.
# Happy birthday to you # in Slut, Letty Bell is celebrating her birthday.
Loon at them.
What d lot of old trouts.
Ah, lovely froggy cake, as well.
Shame to cut it, really.
We know you love your froggies.
Ooh, l love me froggies, me.
l don't know why but l do.
Actually, all of us clubbed together to get something special.
Ooh, something special.
Special something.
What's that then? Ohhh, that's a big one! What is it? Open it and find out.
Yeah, l'll find out when l open it.
Yeah.
- What's that? - It's a real frog! It won't hurt you.
- There's nothing to be scared of.
Look, he's lovely.
Go on, give him a stroke.
Argh! It bit me! It bit me with its sharp frog teeth! Get it out! Get it out of the house! We have to take it back.
l thought she liked them.
Keep back! Help yourself to cake.
Still, lovely froggy wrapping paper.
l can use that again.
At Hill Grange Health Spa former Miss Botswana Desiree Devere is relaxing after her fried onion foot scrub.
Oh, hasn't that Victoria Beckham put on weight? She looks grotesque! What l'm using is a green algae mask, because your skin is quite sensitive.
Yeah, that's lovely.
It's revery soothing.
Everythin' all right, Gita? (Fake Korean accent) Oh, yes! Everything's fine, darling l mean, Mr Devere.
And now, l give you massage.
No, thanks, Gita.
l'll just have the facial today.
Oooh.
That's very intimate.
Do you like? Yeah Oooh.
Very pleasurable.
Oooh, yeah.
The best.
Do l have to pay extra for this? No, no.
It's all part of the service.
Ooh.
You're bigger than you look, Gita.
You always liked me on top, didn't you, darling? Yeah, l Ooh.
- Bubbles! - Hello, darling.
Bubbles, you gotta stop! Quite soon - Bubby, what are you doing, bubby? - Hello, darling.
- It's not what it looks like.
- Get off him, you Jezebel! Oh, don't worry.
l'm going.
Hope l haven't spoiled your honeymoon, darlings.
How could you do this to me, bubby, with your ex wife? l was tricked into it.
l'm completely innocent.
ls that what you want? To get back with that harlot? No, no, honestly.
l hated every minute of it.
Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di! Naughty! Our next stop on our journey is this supermarket, situated in the ancient Roman city of Break Dance II, Electric Boogaloo.
Excuse me Yeah? - Are you Orville? - Yeah.
Can l have your autograph, please? - Er, yeah Um Have you got a pen? - Yeah.
- Sorry, who's it to? - It's me.
John.
- So, we, where's Keith Harris, then? - l don't know.
lt'd be funny if he was here.
Yeah, it's work.
We don't spend every minute of the day together.
We have our own lives too.
- He's very funny.
- Yeah, yeah.
He's a really funny guy You working on anything together at the moment? No.
We're sort of having a sabbatical at the moment.
l'm tying to concentrate on straight acting.
l'm actually going up for a part in The Bill next week.
- Oh right.
- Yeah.
It's a one-off.
A racist copper.
- Oh, good luck with that.
- Cheers.
Sorry, before l go You must get this all the time.
Could you do Keith's voice for me? l'm just out shopping today.
l don't really want to sort of draw attention to myself.
Yeah, l'm sorry.
l'll let you get on.
OK.
Cheers.
Oik, Orville! Where's Keith? Oh, for God's sake.
At this restaurant in Upper Gonad, couple Pat and Don are ordering a meal.
An onion bhaji, please.
That is quite mild, isn't it? - Yes.
And for sir? - l'll have a pint of curry powder, please.
- Don, no.
- All right.
l'll have the chicken Jalfrezi.
But can you have it spicy, please? l do like it spicy.
- Service is slow today.
- Yeah.
l'm not coming here again.
- Ah, here he is.
- About time.
Sorry for the delay.
Mmm.
Mine's lovely.
How's yours? # Godzilla do doodle do Goodwill do doodle do, Goodwill do'doodle do # and Godzooky # (French accent) The Fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
Monkey! (American accent) Run the reins! Now! Mr Spencer! Very flat, Norfolk.
What do you take me for? A fool? Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Barbara Dickson.
# Whoah, Body-form, Body-form for comfort # Body-form for comfiness, Bodyform for you # lt's not spicy at all.
# Oh, Macarena # The current Prime Minister, Michael Stevens, is proving very popular the polls.
Almost as popular as our previous leader, General Udo Mbego.
- It's just so humiliating for me.
- l know, darling.
l'm so sorry.
Well, l suppose it was going to come out sooner or later.
Look, tomorrow it'll just be old news.
Let's put a statement through the press secretary, saying it's private.
Sarah, we're gonna get through this together.
- Morning, Prime Minister.
- Ooh.
Hi, Sebastian.
Just a little upset here.
Your car's here.
l'd better dash.
l'm due in court.
Yes.
Good luck, darling.
So, er, Sebastian.
l suppose you've heard the news.
Yeah, and l bought the book.
l mean, as if you'd have an affair with the old education secretary.
Look at her.
She's a right dawg.
- Sebastian.
- This is my favourite bit.
''Michael gazed at me from across the room at the party conference.
" ''20 minutes later, our bodies were united in passionate, political union.
'' Lying cow! - It's true.
We were both young MPs, both far away from home.
Sarah and l had had our problems and one thing led to another.
What? lt finished a long time ago.
Sarah's known about it for years.
We've accepted it and moved on.
Just when did you think you were gonna tell me? - Sebastian, it's none of your business.
- You're still seeing her.
Oh, don't be silly.
l can smell her.
You wait till l'm gone and then you have her.
You have her on this couch.
Like this, is it? Oooh! Give it to me! Hey? Or is it like this? Oooh! That's deep! Do you laugh about me when you are together, do you? Ha ha ha? lt finished 15 years ago.
Prove it.
Have her killed.
You're the Prime Minister.
One call will do it.
lt's the only way l'll know she means nothing to you.
MI5, Sue speaking, - l'm so sorry, l've got the wrong number.
- No bother.
Goodbye.
- Come now, Sebastian.
- Just tell me why.
What did l do wrong? What can't l give you? Now, look.
This book's gonna give me a rough ride for the next week.
l need people around me who can help me through it.
Now, if you can't, l'll find someone who can.
- OK? - Yeah, fine.
The German Chancellor is here.
- Thank you.
Would you like to show him in, Sebastian? Hi.
Slut's over there.
Donkey hospice? Our next stop is the southern town of Aching Balls.
Donkey hospice.
Money for the donkey hospice.
- Thank you.
- My father had a donkey.
Oh, did he? Some stickers for you.
There we are And one for you.
The donkeys will be very pleased.
Thank you.
Donkey hospice! in the village of Pox, Maggie is delivering the parish newsletter.
- Hello, Maggie.
- Hello, Judy.
- l've got the new parish newsletter for you.
- Oh, thank you very much.
l would ask you in, but l'm a little busy at the moment.
My daughter's here with her fiancŽ.
- Oh! Well l'd love to meet him.
- Yes.
l'm not sure that's a good idea.
But he sounds so wonderful.
You told me he went to Cambridge and he's now a barrister.
- Yes Um Well, come in, then.
- Oh, thank you.
We're just in the drawing room.
Er Olivia, you know.
- Hello.
- Hello! Pleased to meet you.
l'm James.
Yes.
Lovely to meet you.
Did Mummy tell you? We're getting married in August.
l really must deliver the he's-black newsletters, so - Do stay for a cup of tea.
- And you must have one of these.
- They're delicious.
- Oh, thank you.
Mmm.
Your mother's fruit cake is legendary.
Actually, my mother made it.
Let me get you some tea.
- You all right? Oh, no, Maggie.
Please.
We've just had the carpet shampooed.
Now, do you take - sugar? - Actually, l really must deliver these.
Lovely to have met you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Good-bye! Meanwhile, Lou has pawned his shoes to take Andy on a day trip.
Did you enjoy our little trip to Legoland? Nah.
It was all just Lego.
Oh, well.
l'm sorry.
l did say.
- What time is it? - It's 4:30.
We're gonna miss Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.
There's not a lot l can do.
l don't want to break the speed limit.
Faster! l thought you didn't like Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.
l thought you said the Dumas's classic characters and their canine counterparts - were decidedly lacklustre.
- Yeah, l know.
Well, l promise l'll get you home in time for Josh's Giants.
- Dogtanian! - Oh, dear.
- Faster! Faster! l'm going faster.
l'm doing 80.
- Oh, no! PC Plod.
Oh, no!.
Yes.
l will pull over, sir.
Yes.
He doesn't look happy.
He's got a right cob on.
Step out of the vehicle, please, sir.
l'm very sorry, Mr Policeman, sir.
Right.
l'd like your full name, please.
lt's Louis Bob Todd.
You have any idea how fast you were driving, sir? l'm very sorry, Mr Policeman.
l've got a friend here who's in a wheelchair Tonight's episode of Little Britain was a tribute to Matt Lucas and David Williams.
Who are sadly still with us.
Our thoughts are with their friends and family at this difficult time.
Goodbye.
by somix 2007