Live at The Apollo (2004) s03e03 Episode Script
Jo Brand
This programme contains strong language.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jo Brand! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.
CHEERING CONTINUES Good evening.
I am indeed Jo Brand.
CHEERING More glamorous than you were expecting, I'm sure! WOLF-WHISTLE Yeah, thanks for that ironic whistle, knobhead! I do understand that since I did Trinny and Susannah a few years ago, I have become a fashion icon.
And many people will be surfing the net looking for where I got this outfit.
It's very exclusive.
If you want to know, I got it out of a skip in Ann Widdecombe's garden.
Sorich pickings! No, I am obliged, because of my contract, to make mention of the cornucopia of A-listers who are here with us tonight .
.
having foregone a little light supper at Joan Collins' council flat in Pinner.
So, Christine Hamilton Hello.
Are you all right? I'm very well.
I'm very impressed by something you did in the past.
Is this true, you were the face of British Sausage Week? I was.
Who did you have to sleep with to get that gig? Several people.
Oh, God, it's Neil, isn't it? Oh, all right then.
And Jon Culshaw is with us.
The master of impressions.
Hi.
You started your career on hospital radio, is that right? I did.
Me too.
I had my own show on hospital radio.
My record of the week was Girlfriend In A Coma.
Obviously didn't last very long.
Brendan Cole, where are you? Do you fancy me coming on Strictly Come with you? Yes.
I can't see your face.
Are you crying? Put your glasses on, Brendan.
It's more serious than you think.
Listen, everyone, don't forget to send your texts in.
Or cyber-bullying, as I like to think of it.
You can heckle me by text, but try and make it a bit more imaginative than "f off, you fat cow!" Or my favourite heckle ever which was, "Show us your knob!" One question I get asked all the time is if you could take a pill to make you thin, would you take it? Course I bleeding well would! I would like to take a pill that made me six stone.
Then I'd eat my way back up to ten.
What a bloody brilliant weekend that'd be, wouldn't it? I think there's two types of people in the world and it's all to do with how they eat biscuits, right? Cos the first type of person makes a cup of tea, gets a plate out LAUGHTER .
.
opens the packet of biscuits, takes one biscuit out, puts it on the plate and eats it very daintily off the plate, folds the packet back up, bit of Sellotape over the top to keep it fresh for next month Those sort of people should be executed, shouldn't they? The rest of us get a packet out and eat the whole fucking lot without taking the cover off! And consequently, end up looking like me.
I've always had a weight problem.
When I was a teenager, I went to see the careers mistress and she said, "What do you want to do?" I said, "I'd like to be a nurse or get married.
" She went, "Better be a nurse then.
" When I was a teenager, I wasn't frightened of teenage boys, but I'm terrified of them now.
They're a scary bunch, aren't they? I have teenage nephews and one has a sign on his door saying, "Keep out!" Like you're going in there without a flamethrower(!) "Lend me my crampons, dear.
I'm just popping in to tackle Tissue Mountain!" And of course, the worst thing I think you can do with teenagers is try and get down and speak their language.
They hate that.
Which is why I quite like doing it! I found this out to my cost last year cos I kept saying to people, "Look at that minger over there!" "That is a minger and a half!" And I found out that this was wrong, to my cost.
Outside my local park were two teenage boys and I went, "Lads, look at that minger! What a blinking minger that is!" And they went, "It's 'ming-er'! "And that's our mum.
" So, you know Do we have many politically active people in tonight? Yeah! One.
Well done, sir! I've been a Labour Party supporter all my life and at the last election, I was asked by Tony Blair to go and speak at a rally in Hove.
Oh, joy(!) But I thought, standing in the front row with all these Labour Party dignitaries, I've come a long way since fags behind the bike sheds.
I had Blunkett there, Cherie Blair there.
Tony Blair came along and said to me, "Thanks for doing this, Jo.
" He kissed me.
On the lips.
Tried to get his tongue in.
Got up to do me speech, Blunkett had undone me bra.
They're mad for it.
I was shocked.
I was brought up in a village.
The only thing we had to do at the weekend was bell-ringing.
It's much harder than it looks.
Which I believe is something John Prescott says to a lot of women that he meets.
People don't expect women to do political material, but there are some big questions.
What do you think of the NHS? Shit.
CHEERING "Shit.
" Well said there, Doctor! I think one of the big problems with the NHS is the cleanliness.
When I had my first child, the room I was in, there was blood on the walls and urine all over the floor.
That's cos me husband was pissed and we had a fight, but you know And this is absolutely true.
Whilst I was in labour, someone popped their head round the door and went, "Can I have your autograph?" I said, "Sorry, I haven't got a pen and I'm a bit busy.
Can you see the head yet? You might as well help.
" So I signed their arm in the end with a scalpel.
And the NHS is used by a lot of people that don't really need it.
Women, you are prime offenders here.
Cos women have had surgery to make themselves look more attractive.
Recently, they've finished with their faces and are having surgery on their downstairs furniture to make it look a bit more attractive.
Now, who's that for? Your partner and your GP, basically, isn't it? Unless you have a specially designed trolley to go round Sainsbury's in to show it off.
Cos the fact of the matter is most women's vaginas look pretty much the same, don't they? They all look like Sir Bernard Ingham on a good day.
Cos I read about this woman, this is true, she spent three grand having one of her labia altered, so it was the same size as the other one.
Two millimetres or something.
Three grand! Fair enough if one of them is dragging on the ground when you're running for the bus But three grand? I dunno We've got more serious problems.
Mainly Londoners in tonight? CHEERING What do you think about the change in the atmosphere since those awful terrorist incidents? Do we show more camaraderie towards each other? People outside London say, "What's it like driving round London now?" I say, "It's difficult to see out of my armoured personnel carrier.
I'll lift the flap and have a look.
" When I've had some surgery on it, obviously! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I thought it was important, when that happened, to show that we wouldn't be beaten, so I forced myself to get back on the tube, brothers and sisters! And something really weird happened two days later.
I got into the carriage and something unexpected happened.
This bloke offered me his seat.
It was fucking brilliant cos I've never driven a tube train before! Cos London has completely different laws for tubes and traffic and everything.
Traffic lights in London are different.
In London, a green traffic light means "go", amber means "go" and a red traffic light means, "Go on, just three more cars then.
" But we're a pretty unfit nation.
I woke up in a cold sweat recently and thought, "Christ, I haven't done any exercise since I was two!" And I went along to my GP and said, "I'm really worried.
Is there anything I can do?" He said, "Don't panic.
Things can change.
"Just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.
" So I started smoking again.
And do you know what? It's really done the trick! You'll be surprised that I managed to get a husband, but I did.
Once you've been married a couple of weeks, it gets a bit boring in the bedroom.
I said to my husband, "I can't remember the last time we had sex.
" And he went, "We're having it now!" David Cameron is desperate for married couples to stay together.
One of his possible policies will be that couples will get £20 a week for staying together.
Christ, that's not gonna cover the sedatives even! God knows what's gonna happen when my husband comes round! But it's hard cos we've got kids, the house is a mess, the kids are screaming all the time.
The other night he got pissed off and stormed off to the pub.
I said, "What are you doing here? You're looking after the kids!" All these programmes on telly about women being domestic goddesses are just not true! I'd like to have a programme on TV that truly represented how women actually approached the housework.
And if I did, my programme would be called Fuck It, That'll Do.
APPLAUSE I wonder, are we ever going to, as women, break the glass ceiling? I think when we can burp like men, that's when we'll be equal.
I do burp quite a lot.
Still, better out than in.
Like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat! I should at this point tell you a proper joke which I heard recently.
There's always a married couple in these jokes.
Married couple on the bed naked on their wedding night, husband says to wife, "There's this position I want to try, but I've been too scared to ask.
" She went, "Go on.
" Fed up already! "What's it called?" He said, "The wheelbarrow.
" She went, "What do I have to do?" He said, "You put your hands on the floor, I get your legs either side of my thighs and off we go.
" She said, "All right, but just promise me we won't go past my mum's house.
" I'm gonna introduce the act on tonight and you're in for a real treat here.
I want you to go absolutely mad and please welcome Michael McIntyre! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks, Jo.
Oh, yeah, baby! Oh, what do you know? Look at that! Hello! Yes, are you well? ALL SHOUT OU Here we are, London, my favourite town, my home town.
It's never enough to say you're from London.
People want to know exactly where you're from.
You say you're from London.
People go, "Where about, where about, where about exactly, where about?" "North London.
" If they know it, they get more excited, "Where about, where about, where about?" "Muswell Hill.
" "WHERE ABOUT, WHERE ABOUT?" "Do you know Sainsbury's?" "YES!" You're not driving me home! What the fuck is your problem? It's too busy! I've had enough.
There's too many people here.
I'm not happy.
You probably came here on public transport.
It's a nightmare! Recently, I had to do some work in central London.
People are so desperate to get home.
The trains come very regularly, but it means nothing to people.
As soon as you get on the platform, it's a level playing field.
I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.
Everyone thinks, "Where will the doors stop?" I feel good about here.
But other people are gathering over there.
Maybe they know.
No, I'm gonna stay here for no reason at all.
I feel lucky about this.
People are gathering around me.
They think I know.
I don't know! And you never get it right.
They always go And you're equidistant.
Which one do I go for? Let the passengers off the train first.
British people have the ability to let people off a train whilst at all times moving forwards.
APPLAUSE I'm on! When you're on, you don't care about other people.
"Move right down inside the carriage.
" "No!" Why would I do that? It'll be squashed in here.
You look at other people, "We're on, we don't need them.
" There's an understanding between you.
And everyone's reading.
You can't be on the tube without reading.
You get on in the morning and every single person is reading The Metro.
Everyone.
Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage? I remember in the old days with the broadsheets, you couldn't fold them.
You had to fold them like linen.
You take two corners.
It's amazing how you have to read.
People read in the most uncomfortable situations - turning the page with your mouth.
I was on the train the other day and it's the most busy it's ever been.
Everyone's been on public transport when it's been more busy than you can imagine.
Dangerous levels.
More people are squashing in, "Get in, get in, get in!" Everyone felt, "This is dramatic.
" We saw somebody running for the doors and there was a shared emotion, "Enjoy the run.
"You ain't getting on this train.
" He ran all the way to the doors and stopped right at the edge and then retreated.
I think we all felt, "Good decision.
" Or so we thought.
Run-up.
He was merely assessing it and then retreating.
He barged into the train and he made it on.
No-one could believe it.
His feet were on, but his head was still out.
Unbearable excitement.
Even the Metros came down.
"What the hell is going on here?" His head isn't in! What's he gonna do? Nobody said this, but you could feel the excitement.
One woman overflowed and just went, "Ah" That's the closest we got to a conversation.
His head was equidistant to either door.
They closed.
Boom! He took the hit! No-one could believe it, he took the hit! Nobody needs to go home this badly.
Get out, man, get out! But no, he took another Boom! Save yourself! And then with his ever-decreasing mind power being smashed repeatedly by the doors, he came to the conclusion he should move slightly to the right, use the door, accept another hit to smack his head into the train.
The doors closed, bang, and hit him right in and he made it, he's in! Then he reached into a pocket and got out a book.
APPLAUSE So hello! I'm good at "hello".
I'm not very good at "goodbye".
Especially on the phone.
Every time I say "goodbye", I sound like a fucking idiot.
You feel it coming.
It's a serious conversation.
"Yes, I'll be at the funeral.
I loved your father deeply.
" SQUEAKY VOICE: "Bye!" Why am I doing that? The word "hello" was invented to give people something to say at the beginning of a phone conversation.
The phone was invented and people would pick up the phone.
"I dunno" Someone on the other end is going, "No idea.
" So they gave them "hello".
It was either "hello" or "ahoy".
It could've been "ahoy"! Although "hello" was invented for this one moment in time, old people insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number.
What a complete waste of time! "07679-double 4!" "I know that.
I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on Earth.
"Do you open the door and say your address? It's the same principle!" "15C Crescent Road, London N8.
Oh, that's the phone! 07679-double 4?" Glasgow Airport, that was a mistake.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable thinking from Al-Qaeda.
"We must penetrate the West at their most vulnerable spot - Glasgow Airport!" I think the message was learnt - don't fuck with Scottish people .
.
who have a holiday booked, OK? SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'll get the trolley.
Youse put the bags on.
We'll get some newspapers.
"Have you got the tickets and the passports? What gate are we? 22? "Hold on while I just punch this burning man in the face.
Fuck off! Bastard! "Majorca, here we come! "Ten days.
I couldn't afford two weeks! "Have youse got a cigarette? Let me just get a light off his face! "Hold still, you Al-Qaeda bastard! "Where are you from?" "Afghan" "Where about?" You have to love the Scots.
They've got their own money.
It's still the pound, but they've got their own money.
"We don't need your English bastard pounds.
We have our own country.
We'll have our own bloody money!" In Wales, they don't give a shit.
They take what they're given.
You don't go to Wales, "Got a Tom Jones 20?" They're not interested.
You go to Scotland.
"Would you like your own currency?" "It's complicated.
Let's just have yours with our photos.
I think that's the best way.
" I wonder, in Scotland, do they go, "And now the business news, it's £1to the pound"? "That's a pretty good rate, that, eh?" Have you ever tried to use Scottish money in England? There's nothing more tense in life.
You're standing in the queue in the supermarket and look in your wallet, "£10, Royal Bank of Oh, shit!" Act normal.
"Hello, hello, hello, hello.
" "Hello.
" Beep-beep.
"£7.
20.
" "Here is £10 STERLING!" They look at you like you've just handed them a dead baby.
"Aaagh! "Supervisor!" Luckily, a Scottish person always appears at this moment.
I don't know where they come from.
It's like they're hiding behind the fruit.
"Excuse me, I think there's a problem with the money!" "Excuse me, pal.
I'm not buying anything.
I've just got to sort this out.
Is there a problem here, eh?" Then they use this sentence that you only ever hear at this moment.
It was invented only for when using Scottish money in England.
"I think you'll find that's legal tender!" So I've just celebrated my anniversary.
Four years married, yeah? Eight years together.
You always have to add that.
Eight years together.
Four years, eight years! It's going very well.
It's hard to write the card though.
At the beginning, it's very easy to write essays, long pages, "I love you more than anything.
You've made my life complete.
You're the love of my life, darling.
"Please turn over" The page! "Just thinking about you, I fall in love for the millionth time!" And you have to come up with this shit every year.
Last week I wrote, "I still love you.
See last year's card for full details.
" We've been together long enough for her to think it's OK to say to me, "I want to try this thing, I've seen it on TV, it's just a bit of fun.
Will you agree?" "I don't know what you're talking about.
" "Say you'll do it.
" "OK.
" "We can write a list of five people that we're allowed to have sex with from outside of the marriage.
" "Are you serious?" "Yeah, I've already done my list.
" OK, I humoured her, so I compiled this list and I wanted to run her list by some girls here because I felt it was very predictable.
George Clooney was number one.
How do you feel about that? CHEERING Justin Timberlake was on the list.
So was Brad Pitt.
Anyway, I gave her my list.
Number one, your sister She's like, "Where are you going?" "I'm going to phone your sister.
"Try George Clooney's agent.
Good luck!" FAINT LAUGH You're laughing on your own, mate.
There's 3,500 people laughing at once and you're going, "Ha-ha-ha, I'm going my own way with this.
" Sometimes people laugh and nothing comes out of their face.
I can tell they're laughing, but they're silent laughers.
Get out! You only hear them when they need breath to fuel their shit non-laugh.
GRUNTING LAUGH You know what I love most is laugh-snorting.
It's very embarrassing for people.
Because the snort doesn't integrate itself with the rest of the laughter.
It waits till nobody else is laughing before popping up to give you maximum humiliation.
So you're laughing, other people are laughing with you, you feel confident.
"This is good, ha-ha!" You forget you're a laugh-snorter at all at this point.
As soon as it dies down to nothing SNORTS Oh! I double-snorted the other day.
LAUGHS AND SNORTS TWICE Bloody hell! I had to excuse myself.
"I'll never speak to any of you again.
I do apologise.
" It's just the human body letting you know you're human and at any moment you can malfunction and humiliate yourself.
Like the snot-sneeze.
You never know when that'll strike.
You can be in a run of sneezes.
"Atchoo!" "Bless you!" Strangers come over, "Bless you!" "Atchoo!" "Bless you!" "Thank you.
" "Atchoo!" "Bless you!" "Thank you.
" Then for no reason, shit flies out everywhere.
"I'm not blessing that.
You should be ashamed of yourself!" APPLAUSE You try and laugh it off LAUGHS AND SNORTS "My God, a laugh-snort-snot-sneeze, I've completely malfunctioned!" The worst bodily malfunction People don't know what it is.
It happens two or three times a year.
I'm referring to the mini-sick.
What the fuck is that? There are no other symptoms.
You're not ill in any way.
"Darling, I'm just popping to the kitchen.
Can I get you a?" And there's only one way, it's got to go back, it's got to go back! And the shock of it means you need to share it with the nearest person.
"Excuse me "Just got sick in my face.
"I swallowed my own sick.
How about that tea?" Atchoo! SNORTS Unbelievable.
I've got a little baby.
I made him.
Yeah! Yeah! He doesn't speak.
He's two.
He's a slow learner.
He's only got two words.
It's embarrassing.
"Car" and "map", that's all he can say.
"Car, map, car, car, map, car.
" Two years old, he should have more by now.
I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape.
If his next word is "passport", we're in serious trouble.
It's just embarrassing.
You find out about humans when you have a kid.
You realise that girls are so much more advanced than boys.
We're a mess, compared to you.
We're idiots and you see it.
I went to this birthday party of a one-year-old girl.
She's half his age! "Do come in, take a seat.
"I love your shoes.
Are they Baby Gap?" "Car, car, map, car, car.
"Car, map, car, car, car" I really think that girls are born in conversation.
They pop out of the womb going, "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a name to a face.
"You, nurse, weigh me.
Get it over with! "It's the best it's ever going to be.
Seven pounds one? It's downhill from here!" He can walk, though, which is good.
I'm trying to teach him.
You remember the book - A for apple, B for ball, C for cat, D for dog.
X was always my favourite - for xylophone.
When you're growing up, it's one of the first things you learn.
One of the 26 most important things! Two years old, here's a xylophone! You will never meet a xylophone player in your life, but here is a xylophone.
The only word invented to give me something to say when I get to X in the alphabet! All these words, apple, ball, cat, dog, get changed cos you get older and you think, "I can't use that.
"I'm an adult now.
" Suddenly, we deal with Alpha, Bravo, Tango, Foxtrot, Delta, yeah, Echo, Zulus! But nobody learns it.
Unless you're in the police force, you don't have access to this information.
I'll be on the phone giving my postcode.
"It's N10" "Is that M for Mike?" "No, it's N for" Then you forget every word beginning with N.
It should be quite an easy question.
"N for N-n-n-na-na-na "I know this.
Darling, any word? Knickers!" I panicked, I panicked! You end up thinking of the weirdest word ever.
You think, "I can't use this.
Can I use this? "It's all I've got.
Nougat.
" "N for Nougat, sir?" "Yes, nougat.
" It's the only one I can think of.
And it's amazing how much filth you have in your head.
I'll go, "S.
" They go, "Is that F for Foxtrot?" "No, S for Slut, Slag, Sex, Scrotum" "Aaagh! Supervisor!" "We'll use yours.
Thanks for bailing me out.
" Sometimes I like to throw them a curve ball for my own entertainment.
"G for Gnome.
" This is how you walk, by the way.
My son's got it now.
With your legs.
Yeah, baby.
And the arms get involved.
Isn't it odd? Your arms do this.
Your legs do most of the work, but your arms think, "I'm gonna do something.
" Cos it looks odd if you don't This is odd, isn't it? You're saving energy in your arms, just a bit, but it just hasn't caught on.
Why do we just conform to one way of walking? If you use the same amount of energy with the natural arm swing, but go together .
.
you actually propel yourself.
I'm moving twice as fast as the average walker.
People are walking normally and I go flying past.
"What are you doing?" "I'm winning, that's what I'm doing.
" And I've also felt, as I'm sure everyone in this room has as well, that skipping, although socially unacceptable .
.
for anyone above the age of six, is a remarkably easy way of moving.
We've all thought this.
You put in hardly any effort at all and you just start moving around very easily.
Cos running is difficult, but skipping is magnificent.
So what I'm doing now, by combining the two Woo-hoo! APPLAUSE I'm practically flying! I've just seen a sports person.
There you go, Matt Dawson.
World Cup-winning Matt Dawson! APPLAUSE Rugby's a real man's game, isn't it, Matt? Would you say? How about dancing? How's that? I like the refs in rugby cos you can hear them.
They're miked up.
It's hilarious cos they're very posh, rugby players.
Footballers and rugby players are complete opposites.
Footballers are very pretty and everything happens "at the end of the day".
"At the end of the day I got up at the end of the day.
"I had breakfast at the end of the day.
"The ball's come to me, I got me head on it, it's gone in, three points, one game at a time" Whereas rugby players look like they should be in cages.
You see them at the national anthem.
# God save our gracious Queen # Then they speak and they're so posh.
"Congratulations.
How do you think the game went?" "I thought the gents were superb.
" And the referees shout at them like they're children.
"You, come here, you, number 9.
Yes, you.
And you! "I want you here! Right "You say you're sorry to him!" POSH ACCENT: "Well, he bloody started it!" "Go to the sin bin!" What is the sin bin? Is it some kind of Catholic skip area? "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
" At the football, you don't know what referees are saying.
They're very dramatic and camp.
"You, come here! "You, come here.
I want you here! "Everyone else, fuck off.
It's you! "I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
"I'm booking you.
Now fuck off!" APPLAUSE Are you gonna try that next game? If you're one on one on the wing and some big Samoan is standing there going, "Arrrgh!" Are you just gonna go, "Ohhhh Woo-hoo!" That'll freak him out.
"Oh-oh-oh!" MIMICS HAKA So the winter's drawing in.
We never even had a summer.
It was depressing.
Nothing happened except there was a great deal of rain.
More rain ever, since records began! Not that we know what that means.
There was this strange period in history with no records at all.
People would go in fields slightly different to yesterday.
"Is anybody writing this down?" And after a period of time, somebody said, "Enough's enough, I will write this down! "I would like to announce that records have begun.
" That first day must've been a record-breaking day! "It's the hottest, wettest, windiest day since records beganthis morning.
I've only just started.
" Who cares about the wind? "It will be a stiff north-easterly breeze.
" I'm not sailing to work.
I don't give a shit! I'll leave later.
With a tail wind, I'll be there in half the time! Then the clocks are gonna change on a Saturday night.
Nobody knows it's gonna happen.
It's the same every year.
You only find out late on Saturday night.
You overhear somebody.
"What? The clocks have changed? Tonight? Which way, which way?" "They go back? Is that the good one, is that the good one? "Is that the good one?" How many years do we need to be alive before we know when they change? An extra hour, woo-hoo! The only thing we can look forward to this winter is snow.
The weather's terrible, but snow is the Holy Grail.
And normally, we get one day of snow and you've got to hope that it snows overnight, so you can be snowed in.
Earlier this year, it snowed in the middle of the day.
You don't want that.
I was waiting for my bus.
There's no tube.
The bus is already there.
It's even more frustrating.
I'm waiting for the driver.
We've got everything we need.
You're looking for people.
"Can you drive this thing?" That's when the snow came.
Amazing, instantly landing snow.
The best, most unbelievable snow.
Then I realised, "Oh, my God, I could get snowed OUT! This is not what I need.
" The driver shows up.
He says, "I regret to inform you, due to the chaos on the roads" It's been snowing eight seconds! "We're cancelling the bus.
There will be no running of this service.
" We're like, "How are we supposed to get home?" He said, "Don't shout at me.
I live at the other end of this bus route.
" We're like, "How are YOU gonna get home?" He says, "There's only one thing to do - walk.
It's the only way.
" I'm like, "Fine.
" So we walked the bus route, led by the driver.
We came to the first stop.
We had to tell the people waiting there's no bus.
And they joined our imaginary bus.
It was getting bigger and bigger.
I looked behind us.
I could see the next imaginary bus.
Not a bus, just people walking, and it was catching up fast.
They had no-one to pick up from the stops.
The driver said, "When we get to the next stop, don't tell them anything.
They can get on the next one.
" I said to the woman next to me, "This is hilarious.
We're on an imaginary bus.
This is funny, right?" I was doing most of the talking, then she said, "I'd love to chat, but this is my stop.
" She got off at an actual bus stop, then walked in the direction we had just come from.
I thought, "To hell with this! I'm walking.
Woo-hoo!" Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Woo-hoo! Thank you.
Well done.
Thank you.
Michael McIntyre, everyone! CHEERING I'm afraid now we have the dreaded moment where I have to do some technology.
Your texts Oh, here we go! "Jo, Pavarotti's mum has been in touch.
"Do you want any of his trousers?" "Marry me, Jo, and you need never leave the kitchen again.
" Now, you, whoever you are, have just put a little kiss at the end and not your name.
But the fact of the matter is a text is a legal document.
And I feel I have to hold you to that, wherever you are.
Where are you? Running like fuck out the back door.
Fair enough! Oh, dear, I think this might be from my five-year-old daughter.
"What bees produce milk? "Boo-bees.
" Yes Hilarious(!) Thank you for that.
"Jo, would you rather shag Bill Bailey or Phill Jupitus?" Redundant question, I've had them both.
"What's the difference between the Duke of Edinburgh and a kebab? "I don't know, but which one would you prefer to see roasting on a spike?" I think we all know that one.
Thank you, that's marvellous.
Please put your hands together for Michael McIntyre who was brilliant tonight.
I'm Jo Brand, thanks for listening.
Go and have a drink.
Good night! for Red Bee Media Ltd 2007
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jo Brand! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.
CHEERING CONTINUES Good evening.
I am indeed Jo Brand.
CHEERING More glamorous than you were expecting, I'm sure! WOLF-WHISTLE Yeah, thanks for that ironic whistle, knobhead! I do understand that since I did Trinny and Susannah a few years ago, I have become a fashion icon.
And many people will be surfing the net looking for where I got this outfit.
It's very exclusive.
If you want to know, I got it out of a skip in Ann Widdecombe's garden.
Sorich pickings! No, I am obliged, because of my contract, to make mention of the cornucopia of A-listers who are here with us tonight .
.
having foregone a little light supper at Joan Collins' council flat in Pinner.
So, Christine Hamilton Hello.
Are you all right? I'm very well.
I'm very impressed by something you did in the past.
Is this true, you were the face of British Sausage Week? I was.
Who did you have to sleep with to get that gig? Several people.
Oh, God, it's Neil, isn't it? Oh, all right then.
And Jon Culshaw is with us.
The master of impressions.
Hi.
You started your career on hospital radio, is that right? I did.
Me too.
I had my own show on hospital radio.
My record of the week was Girlfriend In A Coma.
Obviously didn't last very long.
Brendan Cole, where are you? Do you fancy me coming on Strictly Come with you? Yes.
I can't see your face.
Are you crying? Put your glasses on, Brendan.
It's more serious than you think.
Listen, everyone, don't forget to send your texts in.
Or cyber-bullying, as I like to think of it.
You can heckle me by text, but try and make it a bit more imaginative than "f off, you fat cow!" Or my favourite heckle ever which was, "Show us your knob!" One question I get asked all the time is if you could take a pill to make you thin, would you take it? Course I bleeding well would! I would like to take a pill that made me six stone.
Then I'd eat my way back up to ten.
What a bloody brilliant weekend that'd be, wouldn't it? I think there's two types of people in the world and it's all to do with how they eat biscuits, right? Cos the first type of person makes a cup of tea, gets a plate out LAUGHTER .
.
opens the packet of biscuits, takes one biscuit out, puts it on the plate and eats it very daintily off the plate, folds the packet back up, bit of Sellotape over the top to keep it fresh for next month Those sort of people should be executed, shouldn't they? The rest of us get a packet out and eat the whole fucking lot without taking the cover off! And consequently, end up looking like me.
I've always had a weight problem.
When I was a teenager, I went to see the careers mistress and she said, "What do you want to do?" I said, "I'd like to be a nurse or get married.
" She went, "Better be a nurse then.
" When I was a teenager, I wasn't frightened of teenage boys, but I'm terrified of them now.
They're a scary bunch, aren't they? I have teenage nephews and one has a sign on his door saying, "Keep out!" Like you're going in there without a flamethrower(!) "Lend me my crampons, dear.
I'm just popping in to tackle Tissue Mountain!" And of course, the worst thing I think you can do with teenagers is try and get down and speak their language.
They hate that.
Which is why I quite like doing it! I found this out to my cost last year cos I kept saying to people, "Look at that minger over there!" "That is a minger and a half!" And I found out that this was wrong, to my cost.
Outside my local park were two teenage boys and I went, "Lads, look at that minger! What a blinking minger that is!" And they went, "It's 'ming-er'! "And that's our mum.
" So, you know Do we have many politically active people in tonight? Yeah! One.
Well done, sir! I've been a Labour Party supporter all my life and at the last election, I was asked by Tony Blair to go and speak at a rally in Hove.
Oh, joy(!) But I thought, standing in the front row with all these Labour Party dignitaries, I've come a long way since fags behind the bike sheds.
I had Blunkett there, Cherie Blair there.
Tony Blair came along and said to me, "Thanks for doing this, Jo.
" He kissed me.
On the lips.
Tried to get his tongue in.
Got up to do me speech, Blunkett had undone me bra.
They're mad for it.
I was shocked.
I was brought up in a village.
The only thing we had to do at the weekend was bell-ringing.
It's much harder than it looks.
Which I believe is something John Prescott says to a lot of women that he meets.
People don't expect women to do political material, but there are some big questions.
What do you think of the NHS? Shit.
CHEERING "Shit.
" Well said there, Doctor! I think one of the big problems with the NHS is the cleanliness.
When I had my first child, the room I was in, there was blood on the walls and urine all over the floor.
That's cos me husband was pissed and we had a fight, but you know And this is absolutely true.
Whilst I was in labour, someone popped their head round the door and went, "Can I have your autograph?" I said, "Sorry, I haven't got a pen and I'm a bit busy.
Can you see the head yet? You might as well help.
" So I signed their arm in the end with a scalpel.
And the NHS is used by a lot of people that don't really need it.
Women, you are prime offenders here.
Cos women have had surgery to make themselves look more attractive.
Recently, they've finished with their faces and are having surgery on their downstairs furniture to make it look a bit more attractive.
Now, who's that for? Your partner and your GP, basically, isn't it? Unless you have a specially designed trolley to go round Sainsbury's in to show it off.
Cos the fact of the matter is most women's vaginas look pretty much the same, don't they? They all look like Sir Bernard Ingham on a good day.
Cos I read about this woman, this is true, she spent three grand having one of her labia altered, so it was the same size as the other one.
Two millimetres or something.
Three grand! Fair enough if one of them is dragging on the ground when you're running for the bus But three grand? I dunno We've got more serious problems.
Mainly Londoners in tonight? CHEERING What do you think about the change in the atmosphere since those awful terrorist incidents? Do we show more camaraderie towards each other? People outside London say, "What's it like driving round London now?" I say, "It's difficult to see out of my armoured personnel carrier.
I'll lift the flap and have a look.
" When I've had some surgery on it, obviously! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I thought it was important, when that happened, to show that we wouldn't be beaten, so I forced myself to get back on the tube, brothers and sisters! And something really weird happened two days later.
I got into the carriage and something unexpected happened.
This bloke offered me his seat.
It was fucking brilliant cos I've never driven a tube train before! Cos London has completely different laws for tubes and traffic and everything.
Traffic lights in London are different.
In London, a green traffic light means "go", amber means "go" and a red traffic light means, "Go on, just three more cars then.
" But we're a pretty unfit nation.
I woke up in a cold sweat recently and thought, "Christ, I haven't done any exercise since I was two!" And I went along to my GP and said, "I'm really worried.
Is there anything I can do?" He said, "Don't panic.
Things can change.
"Just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.
" So I started smoking again.
And do you know what? It's really done the trick! You'll be surprised that I managed to get a husband, but I did.
Once you've been married a couple of weeks, it gets a bit boring in the bedroom.
I said to my husband, "I can't remember the last time we had sex.
" And he went, "We're having it now!" David Cameron is desperate for married couples to stay together.
One of his possible policies will be that couples will get £20 a week for staying together.
Christ, that's not gonna cover the sedatives even! God knows what's gonna happen when my husband comes round! But it's hard cos we've got kids, the house is a mess, the kids are screaming all the time.
The other night he got pissed off and stormed off to the pub.
I said, "What are you doing here? You're looking after the kids!" All these programmes on telly about women being domestic goddesses are just not true! I'd like to have a programme on TV that truly represented how women actually approached the housework.
And if I did, my programme would be called Fuck It, That'll Do.
APPLAUSE I wonder, are we ever going to, as women, break the glass ceiling? I think when we can burp like men, that's when we'll be equal.
I do burp quite a lot.
Still, better out than in.
Like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat! I should at this point tell you a proper joke which I heard recently.
There's always a married couple in these jokes.
Married couple on the bed naked on their wedding night, husband says to wife, "There's this position I want to try, but I've been too scared to ask.
" She went, "Go on.
" Fed up already! "What's it called?" He said, "The wheelbarrow.
" She went, "What do I have to do?" He said, "You put your hands on the floor, I get your legs either side of my thighs and off we go.
" She said, "All right, but just promise me we won't go past my mum's house.
" I'm gonna introduce the act on tonight and you're in for a real treat here.
I want you to go absolutely mad and please welcome Michael McIntyre! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks, Jo.
Oh, yeah, baby! Oh, what do you know? Look at that! Hello! Yes, are you well? ALL SHOUT OU Here we are, London, my favourite town, my home town.
It's never enough to say you're from London.
People want to know exactly where you're from.
You say you're from London.
People go, "Where about, where about, where about exactly, where about?" "North London.
" If they know it, they get more excited, "Where about, where about, where about?" "Muswell Hill.
" "WHERE ABOUT, WHERE ABOUT?" "Do you know Sainsbury's?" "YES!" You're not driving me home! What the fuck is your problem? It's too busy! I've had enough.
There's too many people here.
I'm not happy.
You probably came here on public transport.
It's a nightmare! Recently, I had to do some work in central London.
People are so desperate to get home.
The trains come very regularly, but it means nothing to people.
As soon as you get on the platform, it's a level playing field.
I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.
Everyone thinks, "Where will the doors stop?" I feel good about here.
But other people are gathering over there.
Maybe they know.
No, I'm gonna stay here for no reason at all.
I feel lucky about this.
People are gathering around me.
They think I know.
I don't know! And you never get it right.
They always go And you're equidistant.
Which one do I go for? Let the passengers off the train first.
British people have the ability to let people off a train whilst at all times moving forwards.
APPLAUSE I'm on! When you're on, you don't care about other people.
"Move right down inside the carriage.
" "No!" Why would I do that? It'll be squashed in here.
You look at other people, "We're on, we don't need them.
" There's an understanding between you.
And everyone's reading.
You can't be on the tube without reading.
You get on in the morning and every single person is reading The Metro.
Everyone.
Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage? I remember in the old days with the broadsheets, you couldn't fold them.
You had to fold them like linen.
You take two corners.
It's amazing how you have to read.
People read in the most uncomfortable situations - turning the page with your mouth.
I was on the train the other day and it's the most busy it's ever been.
Everyone's been on public transport when it's been more busy than you can imagine.
Dangerous levels.
More people are squashing in, "Get in, get in, get in!" Everyone felt, "This is dramatic.
" We saw somebody running for the doors and there was a shared emotion, "Enjoy the run.
"You ain't getting on this train.
" He ran all the way to the doors and stopped right at the edge and then retreated.
I think we all felt, "Good decision.
" Or so we thought.
Run-up.
He was merely assessing it and then retreating.
He barged into the train and he made it on.
No-one could believe it.
His feet were on, but his head was still out.
Unbearable excitement.
Even the Metros came down.
"What the hell is going on here?" His head isn't in! What's he gonna do? Nobody said this, but you could feel the excitement.
One woman overflowed and just went, "Ah" That's the closest we got to a conversation.
His head was equidistant to either door.
They closed.
Boom! He took the hit! No-one could believe it, he took the hit! Nobody needs to go home this badly.
Get out, man, get out! But no, he took another Boom! Save yourself! And then with his ever-decreasing mind power being smashed repeatedly by the doors, he came to the conclusion he should move slightly to the right, use the door, accept another hit to smack his head into the train.
The doors closed, bang, and hit him right in and he made it, he's in! Then he reached into a pocket and got out a book.
APPLAUSE So hello! I'm good at "hello".
I'm not very good at "goodbye".
Especially on the phone.
Every time I say "goodbye", I sound like a fucking idiot.
You feel it coming.
It's a serious conversation.
"Yes, I'll be at the funeral.
I loved your father deeply.
" SQUEAKY VOICE: "Bye!" Why am I doing that? The word "hello" was invented to give people something to say at the beginning of a phone conversation.
The phone was invented and people would pick up the phone.
"I dunno" Someone on the other end is going, "No idea.
" So they gave them "hello".
It was either "hello" or "ahoy".
It could've been "ahoy"! Although "hello" was invented for this one moment in time, old people insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number.
What a complete waste of time! "07679-double 4!" "I know that.
I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on Earth.
"Do you open the door and say your address? It's the same principle!" "15C Crescent Road, London N8.
Oh, that's the phone! 07679-double 4?" Glasgow Airport, that was a mistake.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable thinking from Al-Qaeda.
"We must penetrate the West at their most vulnerable spot - Glasgow Airport!" I think the message was learnt - don't fuck with Scottish people .
.
who have a holiday booked, OK? SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'll get the trolley.
Youse put the bags on.
We'll get some newspapers.
"Have you got the tickets and the passports? What gate are we? 22? "Hold on while I just punch this burning man in the face.
Fuck off! Bastard! "Majorca, here we come! "Ten days.
I couldn't afford two weeks! "Have youse got a cigarette? Let me just get a light off his face! "Hold still, you Al-Qaeda bastard! "Where are you from?" "Afghan" "Where about?" You have to love the Scots.
They've got their own money.
It's still the pound, but they've got their own money.
"We don't need your English bastard pounds.
We have our own country.
We'll have our own bloody money!" In Wales, they don't give a shit.
They take what they're given.
You don't go to Wales, "Got a Tom Jones 20?" They're not interested.
You go to Scotland.
"Would you like your own currency?" "It's complicated.
Let's just have yours with our photos.
I think that's the best way.
" I wonder, in Scotland, do they go, "And now the business news, it's £1to the pound"? "That's a pretty good rate, that, eh?" Have you ever tried to use Scottish money in England? There's nothing more tense in life.
You're standing in the queue in the supermarket and look in your wallet, "£10, Royal Bank of Oh, shit!" Act normal.
"Hello, hello, hello, hello.
" "Hello.
" Beep-beep.
"£7.
20.
" "Here is £10 STERLING!" They look at you like you've just handed them a dead baby.
"Aaagh! "Supervisor!" Luckily, a Scottish person always appears at this moment.
I don't know where they come from.
It's like they're hiding behind the fruit.
"Excuse me, I think there's a problem with the money!" "Excuse me, pal.
I'm not buying anything.
I've just got to sort this out.
Is there a problem here, eh?" Then they use this sentence that you only ever hear at this moment.
It was invented only for when using Scottish money in England.
"I think you'll find that's legal tender!" So I've just celebrated my anniversary.
Four years married, yeah? Eight years together.
You always have to add that.
Eight years together.
Four years, eight years! It's going very well.
It's hard to write the card though.
At the beginning, it's very easy to write essays, long pages, "I love you more than anything.
You've made my life complete.
You're the love of my life, darling.
"Please turn over" The page! "Just thinking about you, I fall in love for the millionth time!" And you have to come up with this shit every year.
Last week I wrote, "I still love you.
See last year's card for full details.
" We've been together long enough for her to think it's OK to say to me, "I want to try this thing, I've seen it on TV, it's just a bit of fun.
Will you agree?" "I don't know what you're talking about.
" "Say you'll do it.
" "OK.
" "We can write a list of five people that we're allowed to have sex with from outside of the marriage.
" "Are you serious?" "Yeah, I've already done my list.
" OK, I humoured her, so I compiled this list and I wanted to run her list by some girls here because I felt it was very predictable.
George Clooney was number one.
How do you feel about that? CHEERING Justin Timberlake was on the list.
So was Brad Pitt.
Anyway, I gave her my list.
Number one, your sister She's like, "Where are you going?" "I'm going to phone your sister.
"Try George Clooney's agent.
Good luck!" FAINT LAUGH You're laughing on your own, mate.
There's 3,500 people laughing at once and you're going, "Ha-ha-ha, I'm going my own way with this.
" Sometimes people laugh and nothing comes out of their face.
I can tell they're laughing, but they're silent laughers.
Get out! You only hear them when they need breath to fuel their shit non-laugh.
GRUNTING LAUGH You know what I love most is laugh-snorting.
It's very embarrassing for people.
Because the snort doesn't integrate itself with the rest of the laughter.
It waits till nobody else is laughing before popping up to give you maximum humiliation.
So you're laughing, other people are laughing with you, you feel confident.
"This is good, ha-ha!" You forget you're a laugh-snorter at all at this point.
As soon as it dies down to nothing SNORTS Oh! I double-snorted the other day.
LAUGHS AND SNORTS TWICE Bloody hell! I had to excuse myself.
"I'll never speak to any of you again.
I do apologise.
" It's just the human body letting you know you're human and at any moment you can malfunction and humiliate yourself.
Like the snot-sneeze.
You never know when that'll strike.
You can be in a run of sneezes.
"Atchoo!" "Bless you!" Strangers come over, "Bless you!" "Atchoo!" "Bless you!" "Thank you.
" "Atchoo!" "Bless you!" "Thank you.
" Then for no reason, shit flies out everywhere.
"I'm not blessing that.
You should be ashamed of yourself!" APPLAUSE You try and laugh it off LAUGHS AND SNORTS "My God, a laugh-snort-snot-sneeze, I've completely malfunctioned!" The worst bodily malfunction People don't know what it is.
It happens two or three times a year.
I'm referring to the mini-sick.
What the fuck is that? There are no other symptoms.
You're not ill in any way.
"Darling, I'm just popping to the kitchen.
Can I get you a?" And there's only one way, it's got to go back, it's got to go back! And the shock of it means you need to share it with the nearest person.
"Excuse me "Just got sick in my face.
"I swallowed my own sick.
How about that tea?" Atchoo! SNORTS Unbelievable.
I've got a little baby.
I made him.
Yeah! Yeah! He doesn't speak.
He's two.
He's a slow learner.
He's only got two words.
It's embarrassing.
"Car" and "map", that's all he can say.
"Car, map, car, car, map, car.
" Two years old, he should have more by now.
I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape.
If his next word is "passport", we're in serious trouble.
It's just embarrassing.
You find out about humans when you have a kid.
You realise that girls are so much more advanced than boys.
We're a mess, compared to you.
We're idiots and you see it.
I went to this birthday party of a one-year-old girl.
She's half his age! "Do come in, take a seat.
"I love your shoes.
Are they Baby Gap?" "Car, car, map, car, car.
"Car, map, car, car, car" I really think that girls are born in conversation.
They pop out of the womb going, "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a name to a face.
"You, nurse, weigh me.
Get it over with! "It's the best it's ever going to be.
Seven pounds one? It's downhill from here!" He can walk, though, which is good.
I'm trying to teach him.
You remember the book - A for apple, B for ball, C for cat, D for dog.
X was always my favourite - for xylophone.
When you're growing up, it's one of the first things you learn.
One of the 26 most important things! Two years old, here's a xylophone! You will never meet a xylophone player in your life, but here is a xylophone.
The only word invented to give me something to say when I get to X in the alphabet! All these words, apple, ball, cat, dog, get changed cos you get older and you think, "I can't use that.
"I'm an adult now.
" Suddenly, we deal with Alpha, Bravo, Tango, Foxtrot, Delta, yeah, Echo, Zulus! But nobody learns it.
Unless you're in the police force, you don't have access to this information.
I'll be on the phone giving my postcode.
"It's N10" "Is that M for Mike?" "No, it's N for" Then you forget every word beginning with N.
It should be quite an easy question.
"N for N-n-n-na-na-na "I know this.
Darling, any word? Knickers!" I panicked, I panicked! You end up thinking of the weirdest word ever.
You think, "I can't use this.
Can I use this? "It's all I've got.
Nougat.
" "N for Nougat, sir?" "Yes, nougat.
" It's the only one I can think of.
And it's amazing how much filth you have in your head.
I'll go, "S.
" They go, "Is that F for Foxtrot?" "No, S for Slut, Slag, Sex, Scrotum" "Aaagh! Supervisor!" "We'll use yours.
Thanks for bailing me out.
" Sometimes I like to throw them a curve ball for my own entertainment.
"G for Gnome.
" This is how you walk, by the way.
My son's got it now.
With your legs.
Yeah, baby.
And the arms get involved.
Isn't it odd? Your arms do this.
Your legs do most of the work, but your arms think, "I'm gonna do something.
" Cos it looks odd if you don't This is odd, isn't it? You're saving energy in your arms, just a bit, but it just hasn't caught on.
Why do we just conform to one way of walking? If you use the same amount of energy with the natural arm swing, but go together .
.
you actually propel yourself.
I'm moving twice as fast as the average walker.
People are walking normally and I go flying past.
"What are you doing?" "I'm winning, that's what I'm doing.
" And I've also felt, as I'm sure everyone in this room has as well, that skipping, although socially unacceptable .
.
for anyone above the age of six, is a remarkably easy way of moving.
We've all thought this.
You put in hardly any effort at all and you just start moving around very easily.
Cos running is difficult, but skipping is magnificent.
So what I'm doing now, by combining the two Woo-hoo! APPLAUSE I'm practically flying! I've just seen a sports person.
There you go, Matt Dawson.
World Cup-winning Matt Dawson! APPLAUSE Rugby's a real man's game, isn't it, Matt? Would you say? How about dancing? How's that? I like the refs in rugby cos you can hear them.
They're miked up.
It's hilarious cos they're very posh, rugby players.
Footballers and rugby players are complete opposites.
Footballers are very pretty and everything happens "at the end of the day".
"At the end of the day I got up at the end of the day.
"I had breakfast at the end of the day.
"The ball's come to me, I got me head on it, it's gone in, three points, one game at a time" Whereas rugby players look like they should be in cages.
You see them at the national anthem.
# God save our gracious Queen # Then they speak and they're so posh.
"Congratulations.
How do you think the game went?" "I thought the gents were superb.
" And the referees shout at them like they're children.
"You, come here, you, number 9.
Yes, you.
And you! "I want you here! Right "You say you're sorry to him!" POSH ACCENT: "Well, he bloody started it!" "Go to the sin bin!" What is the sin bin? Is it some kind of Catholic skip area? "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
" At the football, you don't know what referees are saying.
They're very dramatic and camp.
"You, come here! "You, come here.
I want you here! "Everyone else, fuck off.
It's you! "I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
"I'm booking you.
Now fuck off!" APPLAUSE Are you gonna try that next game? If you're one on one on the wing and some big Samoan is standing there going, "Arrrgh!" Are you just gonna go, "Ohhhh Woo-hoo!" That'll freak him out.
"Oh-oh-oh!" MIMICS HAKA So the winter's drawing in.
We never even had a summer.
It was depressing.
Nothing happened except there was a great deal of rain.
More rain ever, since records began! Not that we know what that means.
There was this strange period in history with no records at all.
People would go in fields slightly different to yesterday.
"Is anybody writing this down?" And after a period of time, somebody said, "Enough's enough, I will write this down! "I would like to announce that records have begun.
" That first day must've been a record-breaking day! "It's the hottest, wettest, windiest day since records beganthis morning.
I've only just started.
" Who cares about the wind? "It will be a stiff north-easterly breeze.
" I'm not sailing to work.
I don't give a shit! I'll leave later.
With a tail wind, I'll be there in half the time! Then the clocks are gonna change on a Saturday night.
Nobody knows it's gonna happen.
It's the same every year.
You only find out late on Saturday night.
You overhear somebody.
"What? The clocks have changed? Tonight? Which way, which way?" "They go back? Is that the good one, is that the good one? "Is that the good one?" How many years do we need to be alive before we know when they change? An extra hour, woo-hoo! The only thing we can look forward to this winter is snow.
The weather's terrible, but snow is the Holy Grail.
And normally, we get one day of snow and you've got to hope that it snows overnight, so you can be snowed in.
Earlier this year, it snowed in the middle of the day.
You don't want that.
I was waiting for my bus.
There's no tube.
The bus is already there.
It's even more frustrating.
I'm waiting for the driver.
We've got everything we need.
You're looking for people.
"Can you drive this thing?" That's when the snow came.
Amazing, instantly landing snow.
The best, most unbelievable snow.
Then I realised, "Oh, my God, I could get snowed OUT! This is not what I need.
" The driver shows up.
He says, "I regret to inform you, due to the chaos on the roads" It's been snowing eight seconds! "We're cancelling the bus.
There will be no running of this service.
" We're like, "How are we supposed to get home?" He said, "Don't shout at me.
I live at the other end of this bus route.
" We're like, "How are YOU gonna get home?" He says, "There's only one thing to do - walk.
It's the only way.
" I'm like, "Fine.
" So we walked the bus route, led by the driver.
We came to the first stop.
We had to tell the people waiting there's no bus.
And they joined our imaginary bus.
It was getting bigger and bigger.
I looked behind us.
I could see the next imaginary bus.
Not a bus, just people walking, and it was catching up fast.
They had no-one to pick up from the stops.
The driver said, "When we get to the next stop, don't tell them anything.
They can get on the next one.
" I said to the woman next to me, "This is hilarious.
We're on an imaginary bus.
This is funny, right?" I was doing most of the talking, then she said, "I'd love to chat, but this is my stop.
" She got off at an actual bus stop, then walked in the direction we had just come from.
I thought, "To hell with this! I'm walking.
Woo-hoo!" Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Woo-hoo! Thank you.
Well done.
Thank you.
Michael McIntyre, everyone! CHEERING I'm afraid now we have the dreaded moment where I have to do some technology.
Your texts Oh, here we go! "Jo, Pavarotti's mum has been in touch.
"Do you want any of his trousers?" "Marry me, Jo, and you need never leave the kitchen again.
" Now, you, whoever you are, have just put a little kiss at the end and not your name.
But the fact of the matter is a text is a legal document.
And I feel I have to hold you to that, wherever you are.
Where are you? Running like fuck out the back door.
Fair enough! Oh, dear, I think this might be from my five-year-old daughter.
"What bees produce milk? "Boo-bees.
" Yes Hilarious(!) Thank you for that.
"Jo, would you rather shag Bill Bailey or Phill Jupitus?" Redundant question, I've had them both.
"What's the difference between the Duke of Edinburgh and a kebab? "I don't know, but which one would you prefer to see roasting on a spike?" I think we all know that one.
Thank you, that's marvellous.
Please put your hands together for Michael McIntyre who was brilliant tonight.
I'm Jo Brand, thanks for listening.
Go and have a drink.
Good night! for Red Bee Media Ltd 2007