Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e03 Episode Script

Lopez vs In-laws

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Mayan, I have one more
guest for the wedding list,
my dear friend Celeste.
The cashier from Ross?
We have to invite her.
She gives me a discount.
It's Ross. You don't need a discount.
There's too many people on this list.
We got to make some cuts.
I'm already eating Del
Flaco instead of Del Taco.
- What's "Del Flaco"?
- It's my usual Del Taco order,
just cut down to six burritos.
Well, we still need to add
guests from Quinten's side
once his parents get
here from North Dakota.
And I don't want to hear any more jokes
about them being related to bison.
I'm serious.
Quinten's always worried
about his parents' approval.
Ay, it's always so awkward with his mom.
We never know what to say to each other.
I wish we had that problem.
Please welcome Bismarck, North Dakota's,
most famous high school sweethearts,
Sam and Ruthie Van Bryan.
Aw.
We're not the most famous.
That would be Dave and Donna Prescott.
They own a Buca di Beppo.
By the way, we invited
them to the wedding.
Can they cater it?
Ha!
No, no, no. No, no, we don't
we don't need them to cater.
We are self-reliant.
I manage this house like
I manage the Apple Store.
Speaking of, my manager badge.
Hi, Rosie.
Oh, hi, Ruthie.
I got to go pee.
So that's Dave and
Donna and then you two.
Is there any more on your guest list?
No? That's great, thanks.
[LAUGHS]
George, we're going to invite
at least 120 people to this wedding.
120?
Why don't you invite half of Bismarck?
That is half of Bismarck.
Grandma! Grandpa!
- Oh, sweetie!
- Oh, Chancie-pants!
What did you bring me?
I told him not to expect gifts
every time you guys visit.
It's not cutesy, mindful, or demure.
We did bring you something,
but first, I need to know,
do you have your driver's license?
No, but neither does Grandpa,
and that doesn't stop him.
Well, buckle up, buttercup,
because we got you
A brand-new car.
Just like I sell at my dealership.
Thank you. I'm gonna use this
to pick up all the honeys
in my robotics class.
I never had a brand-new car.
It's just a toy, George.
I never had a brand-new toy.
Aw, Grandpa, I feel bad.
I'll let you wash and
wax this baby later.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

My parents are safely
checked into their hotel.
And the stairs are on the inside.
Where are they staying?
The Ritz.
Your parents are staying at the Ritz
while I'm sitting here
trying to trick my stomach
into believing this is three burritos?
Did you know they were rich?
If I did, I would have
married him sooner.
Hey, your parents are loaded, man.
How come they're not
chipping in for the wedding?
Because I told them
how much it meant to you
to be able to pay for the wedding
as father of the bride.
Why do you always have to
listen to everything I say?
Your wedding is getting expensive.
The Van Bryans should pay for half
if they're inviting everyone
in Bisquick, North Dakota.
So ask Mr. Monopoly
and his hot trophy wife
to back that truck up.
I can't.
When I moved out here
to make it on my own,
my dad said it was a big mistake.
So if I ask him for money,
he's gonna think he was right.
How touching.
Is that better than them squeezing
all the leche right out of me,
every dime, every lactose drop?
Mayan, a little help here.
I know how important
your father's approval is.
But my parents have a point.
For the last nine years,
we haven't asked your
parents for anything.
Meanwhile, my parents, who aren't rich,
have cooked, cleaned,
and even babysat for us.
Preach.
All that help is easily worth
$287,000.55 pre-tax.
So ask Mr. Monopoly
and his hot trophy wife
to back that truck up!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

Mother, Father.
I want to talk about the wedding.
Well, doesn't everybody?
Excuse my language,
but it is a big honkin' deal.
Yup, ever since I posted it on Facebook,
I got friends, I got
customers at the dealership,
can't stop talking about
the Van Lopez wedding.
You posted a picture of me on Facebook.
And I'm not even a Chevy Malibu
with zero down and 0.9 APR.
We're proud of you, tiger.
You moved across the
country without any help
and made a life for yourself.
I've I've never heard
you say you were proud,
or call me "tiger."
Better get used to it tiger.
I got something for you.
Oh, it's happening!
[LAUGHS GIDDILY]
Yeah. Uh, here we go.
Wh your Chevrolet Spring
Sales Event winner pin?
I thought you wanted
to be buried with it.
Yeah.
Well, now you don't have
to steal it from my corpse.
No, I I know you always wanted it,
but you had too much self-respect
to ask your ol' man for anything.
So, uh, what'd you want to
tell us about the wedding?
You know, that we picked our napkins,
and they're beige.
Strong choice.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

Quinten, welcome to my home.
Mi casa is parked outside of su casa.
I'm hiding from my parents
and Mayan's parents
and Mayan
and the truth.
From that Spring Sales
Event pin on your shirt,
I'm gonna say this is
about your relationship
with your father.
Wow. That is insightful.
Clearly, you killed
him and took his pin.
Less insightful.
The Lopezes want me to ask my parents
to help pay for the wedding,
but I am scared of disappointing my dad,
who is finally proud of me.
I'm scared I'll die alone in this truck.
But I guess your dad
thing is important too.
Let me give you the best
advice I've ever received:
always lie.
Through your teeth, on
the stand, out ya ass.
I'm I'm not a very good liar.
But I don't know if I
have any other choice.
You'll be fine.
I have complete faith in you.
See? Lying's not that hard.
The key is to keep it simple
so you don't have to
remember a lot of details.
It was 6:58.
The low evening sun cast long
shadows across the kitchen.
The dew outside
Shut up about the dew!
What did your parents say
about chipping in some money?
They said no.
And they got really
mad, so we should just
not ever speak about money again.
What's that thing on your shirt?
Oh, this? Uh, it's a pin
that my dad stabbed me
with for bringing up money.
But I just saw your
parents a few minutes ago
and they were all smiles.
Oh oh, th-that's how
you know they're upset.
Because the madder they
are, the bigger they smile.
Really? Is that a North Dakota thing?
Yeah, let's go with that.
Yeah, it's called
"North Dakota nice."
I'm so sorry that
they got so mad at you.
The fact that you were willing
to ask is all we could want.
I still want the money.
I'll ask. People like me.
They really like me.
Nobody likes you.
I'll ask.
Now I have something to
finally talk to your mom about.
No.
Please, nobody bring up
money with my parents.
We'll just cut costs.
We can consider getting
married at the courthouse.
We have a nice dinner at Outback after.
Ay.
We'll do whatever we have to do.
I do like the Outback.
Those onions are a-bloomin'
this time of year.
There is no way
that I am getting
married at the courthouse.
I want to walk down the aisle,
not through a metal detector.
That's my girl.
I thought you were gonna
support Quinten because of your
"healthy relationship that
leaves ego at the door."
Blah, blah, blah, barf.
You know, it took a lot for
me to decide to get married.
I want my wedding to be special.
Oh, I never thought
I'd hear you say that.
Quinten said that we can't
ask the Van Bryans for money,
but we can manipulate them.
That's my girl.
Thinking like a Lopez!
Manipulation comes from
my side of the family.
You can take credit for
the excess facial hair.
Uh.

Oh.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Don't mind me, just getting
a little preview of the food
I'm gonna be picking out
of your garbage later.
Yeah, for the wedding, I'm
preparing a tasting menu
of Latin American and
North Dakotan cuisine.
Two great tastes that
taste great together.
Thanks again for your advice, Oscar.
I feel bad for lying to everybody,
but it worked. [CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
It always works and never
blows up in your face.
Is that a lie?
No.

Look at them, being
all North Dakota nice.
All that anger, it's ugly.
Well, we'll beat them at their own game.
We'll be so nice that
they'll assume we're mad,
ask what's wrong, and
then we'll hit them
with the bill for the wedding.
Then we're not the ones bringing it up.
Mm-hmm.
First you act all nice,
and then you get the money,
and then you get the power.
When are we gonna start the tasting?
Well, I think we're ready.
Would you like to help
carry the plates, Gordo?
I would, but I'm late
to this important thing
in the living room.

OK, first,
from the North Dakota
side of the family,
sour cream and raisin pie.
Oh.
This is my Grammie-Gram's recipe.
She's at the great
potluck in the sky now,
serving this to the angels.
I'm sure my tummy-tum is
about to say yummy-yum.
[POLITE LAUGHTER]
Mmm!
Mmm.
[STRAINED] Mmm.
You're so chatty tonight, Rosie.
Mouths are for three things
chatting, chewing, and smiling.
[POLITE LAUGHTER]
Well, by gum [CHUCKLES]
This is delicious.
Wow. You really love the pie.
OK, I'll mark that down as
a winner for the wedding.
Are we eating the same pie?
This is nasty.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
Even Churro won't eat it,
and she eats her own poop.
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
Kids say the darndest things.
Next up, from Rosie's Cuban side,
ropa vieja.
Ooh.
Mmm.
Whoa!
Whoa.
That's got some kick.
What kind of spice do you use?
It's salt.
Mm-mm-mm.
I mean, it's salt!
I use it on all of my dishes.
Isn't it delicious?
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
We're just loving
this cultural exchange.
[HUSHED] It's not working.
They can't tell that we're mad at them.
We got to turn up the nice.
I'm on it. Sam?
Ah. Yes, George?
I love you.
Wow. [LAUGHS]
What is this, the Moose Lodge?
[LAUGHTER]
What what's happening?
We're just being nice,
like we always are.
You're never nice.
Yes, we are.
In fact, there's a name
for this kind of nice.
North Dakota nice.
- Eh?
- Ah, Dios mío.
What is North Dakota nice?
Don't act dumb, Ruthie.
Quinten told us that
you pretend to be nice
when you're actually angry.
I don't think we know
what you're talking about.
No, we're not angry
wait.
Are you angry?
Of course we are.
Oscar, now would be a
great time to interrupt
with some fruitcake cookies!
You refuse to pay for my dream wedding.
I mean, Quinten and
Mayan's dream wedding.
We haven't refused to pay for anything.
Quinten, what are they talking about?
It was 6:59.
A lone coyote howled in the distance
Let me give you the best
advice I've ever gotten, man:
always tell the truth.
Mom, Dad, um,
the Lopezes asked me to get
you to help pay for the wedding,
but I lied.
I-I never asked them.
So I've been North
Dakota nice for nothing?
I'm going back to
being California cranky!

[BLUESY SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
What is going on?
Why were you so afraid to
ask us for money, pumpkin?
[SIGHS] It j
it just meant so much
to me when you guys said
that you were proud
of me that I-I worried
that if I asked for help,
you would think less of me.
Valid concern.
Quinten, you are so
gosh darn independent.
But can I let you in on a little secret?
As your parents, we would like to think
that you still need us.
Right, Sam?
I'm good.
Samuel Rudolph Van Bryan,
you make like a coupon and cut that out.
This is all your doing.
Me?
You don't tell Quinten that
you're proud of him enough.
And to make up for that,
we would like to pay
for half of this wedding.
And I don't want to hear
a bug's burp about it.
Yes, dear.
That means a lot to me.
So thank you.
You are welcome.
And since we're paying,
use that money to get a caterer.
Yeah, one that doesn't
use all those crazy spices.
Salt?
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
Oh, look, it's the little white guy
who tells the little white lies.
Deserved. I'm sorry.
OK? I
I know it was wrong,
but I-I couldn't disappoint my parents.
What about disappointing us?
I don't care about that.
Because I know you'd forgive me.
You guys let me make mistakes,
and you don't judge me for it.
So you treated us worse
because we're better?
Pretty much.
Ay, Quinten, I forgive you.
Not me.
It'll be a cold day in
hell before I forgive you.
My parents are gonna
pay for half the wedding.
Ooh, is anybody else cold?
Ay, Quinten, I forgive you too, mijo.
Mayan?
Yes, I forgive you too,
but only because I feel really bad
that you had to watch our dads kiss.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

Wat are we doing here, Dad?
We had an idea for the wedding.
Why don't you do your first dance
to the same song your mother and I did?
That's so romantic.
What was it?
Polka!
[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]
5, 6, 7, 8.
Roll out the barrel ♪
We'll have a barrel of fun ♪
That's so sweet, but
I-I don't want to impose
our cultural traditions
onto the Lopezes.
What are you talking about?
This sounds like norteño.
[NORTEÑO MUSIC PLAYING]
Ooh! This is like spicy polka!
Hey, Sam, forget that Chevy.
Take this Cadillac for a spin.
What is this, the Moose Lodge?
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