Mad About You s03e03 Episode Script

Ah, looks like rain.
(THUNDER CLAPPING) (WHINING) Also looks very much like thunder.
Hey, hey, don't be scared.
Thunder can't hurt you.
Thunder's just--just clouds bumping into each other.
Thunder is when a large volume of moist air expands when it cools and rises.
Who told you that? My Natural Science professor at Yale.
No, thunder is clouds bumping into each other.
Where'd you get that? My parents.
(THUNDER CRASHING) Why would they lie to me about thunder? * Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! Oh, Mrs.
Buchman, you're trying to seduce me.
I want to find the guy who invented pantyhose and beat an apology out of him.
You know what? My guess is, he's not a very tough guy.
Do I look okay? You look really sexy.
We're going to a funeral.
I don't want to look sexy.
No, I'm saying sexy but, like, in a sad way.
Oh, what did I do here? Let's see.
Cold water.
Yikes.
Murray, you see how lucky you are? You never have to wear pantyhose your whole life.
Ow! What'd you do? I hate speaking in public.
You'll be fine.
Listen, the whole trick is you just You got to know what you're going to say.
I just want to say how much I love him and how much he loves me.
All right.
So that's all you gotta say.
Okay, don't worry I'm gonna get it together.
I'm not gonna pull an Aunt Rachel.
I promise.
Who are you talking to? Uncle Van.
(PANTYHOSE RIPPING) No.
What? Oh, no.
What'd you do? Oh, fine! Fine! You want to play like that? That's just fine! That's how we'll play.
'Cause you know something? You try my patience, you really, really do, you flimsy discount piece of crap! I got to tell you, I'm surprisingly aroused by that.
You know, Uncle Van was crazy about you from the minute he met you.
Hey, of course Uncle Van was crazy about me.
He needed a partner in crime.
You know, without me, he never could have gotten those golf balls in your mother's turkey.
That was like a classic Van moment.
JAMIE: I wish you would tell that story.
All right.
It was Thanksgiving, we're sitting around the table Not here.
At the service.
Oh, forget it.
I hate speaking in public.
I thought the key is to know what you're gonna say.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's just for you.
Come on, he would love it.
Who? Van.
Hey, Van is gone, and I ain't taking the rap for that turkey myself.
(DOORBELL BUZZING REPEATEDLY) Oh, finally.
Oh, good.
Your sister now buzzes in Morse code.
(SCOFFS) That's what you guys are wearing? Are you kidding me? He loved plaid.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's absolutely perfect.
Let's go.
All right, Murray, we're gonna be back later.
We're gonna go visit Uncle Van.
Remember Uncle Van, he used to throw you the tennis ball till you couldn't stand up? Yeah, well, no more playing catch with Uncle Van.
Why would you tell him that? Because it's the truth.
So what's to be gained? Either he doesn't understand you, or he does, and now he's sad.
You really give him too much credit.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is I really love Uncle Van and I know Uncle Van really loves me.
He really does.
And I really do, too.
I guess the reason I love him so much is because I know how much he loves me.
How much we love him.
All of us.
But especially me.
I really love Uncle Van.
A lot.
And I know he really loves me.
Okay, okay.
I think you covered that.
Would you please tell the turkey story? Um I think we all know that Jamie had a fondness for Uncle Van.
And as she suggested in her little story, he had a fondness for her as well.
Okay.
Um Van--Van was--was great.
He was-- He was a warm soul, a--a big heart.
He was just so sweet.
I used to tell Jamie it was like he was from another family.
Sorry.
No, I mean, you're This is a wonderful family.
But I Van was truly, and I said it, the only person I could have a conversation with.
I really love Uncle Van.
You alienated my entire family.
Well, it had to be done.
You know, why--why did you take your Uncle Van? Why did you take the pate? I like pate.
I like Uncle Van.
And I understand he likes you, but still.
I wanna make sure his ashes wind up in the right place.
I guarantee you it ain't there.
It's only for a day or two till I decide where he belongs.
South Dakota.
South Dakota? Yeah.
Why would we spread his ashes in South Dakota? Because he had that Desoto.
Huh? Okay, Lise, come here, I just wanna explain something to you.
All right, South Dakota, Desoto, no connection.
There's a similar sound and yet there's nothing there.
Fine.
You think of something.
How do they get a whole guy in here? (STUTTERING) What are you doing? They put a 230-pound man in a thermos.
You're not even curious? No! Have some respect.
You--You could be curious with respect.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, it's Sunday.
I bet he's somewhere playing golf.
Well, I don't really think that's true.
You think when someone dies, that's it, their life just stops? I certainly think it hinders their golf swing.
'Cause you know, a lot of it's in the legs, you know, and if you're dead Standing? A little tough.
You're very naive.
I'm naive? I'm naive and yet you have a dead uncle with a tee-off time.
All right.
(MURRAY BARKS) All right, but don't tell anybody.
There you go.
Get your elbows off the table.
PAUL: Baby.
In here.
Hi.
Hey, how'd it go? It went good.
There's that dog of mine.
I know what you want.
Don't feed him up there.
All right.
What happened? I thought we were having hamburgers.
This is hamburgers.
I know, but they're so wide.
I had my heart set on, like, a regulation.
It's Salisbury steak.
Grab some silverware.
What made you go fancy? It's the same as hamburgers.
Actually, only in Salisbury is that the same.
Reminds me of Uncle Van, he used to love it.
Uncle van loved the Salisbury steak.
You know, it's-- it's really It's so typical.
What? Your relatives, they come for, like, one night and they stay a week.
Only until I can find someplace where he'll be happy.
May I make a suggestion? How about not here? It's a lovely area, and it's easy to find.
Do you remember when he took us on the Circle Line up the Hudson? Hey, that was fun.
Hey, how about that? We take a boat up the Hudson, we scatter his ashes into the river? No, it's so filthy.
It's polluted.
Sweetie, with all due respect, he's ashes, you know what I mean? Ashes don't really mind filth.
In fact, technically they are filth.
You know, the whole ashes to ashes, dust to dust thing.
Yeah, well, he's still not going in the Hudson.
All right.
Well, he loved-- he loved the city, right? What if we scatter his ashes just into the wind and then he'll settle in whatever neighborhood he enjoys.
I wanna find the perfect place.
I don't really think he's gonna be that picky.
You really believe when someone dies, it's all over? I really do.
You know what, do we have a bun? How can you think that? I think that because Listen, I question the little things, but the big things, you know, like thunder and death, I do what I'm told.
So when we die, that's it? It's-- It's over? We're just no longer a couple? We're certainly not a fun couple.
Know what I think? Still not right.
Why can't you just eat like a grownup? See, this is why they came up with death.
To give nice people like you and me a little break from each other.
I don't want a break from you.
You know what I think? What? I think, you can't get hamburger from Salisbury steak.
It's just too late in the game.
'Cause everywhere you look, uncooked edge.
Do you not want to be together forever? No, I do, absolutely.
So? So Ketchup.
Ketchup would be the thing, 'cause ketchup, if I may say, would suggest to this, in its heart, that it's a burger.
It could be a burger.
Hey, Uncle Van, no kidding, I've asked you once already.
You know, forever doesn't mean till you die.
Forever means forever.
Do you remember that play we saw on Jane Street? (EXCLAIMS) The two women in the garage? That was the whole point.
Can't get out of it that easy.
Would tomato help? Yeah, tomato would be good.
What are you doing? Huh? Nothing.
Did you open that? No.
Just moving it over here, though.
Just leave it here.
Why? Because, to be honest with you, I'm uneasy dining with a dead guy on the table.
Where's the cheese? What cheese? Did you not offer to bring me cheese? Cheese for the man who calls my uncle "The dead guy".
My pleasure.
Thank you.
Hey, didn't Uncle Van used to take you and Lisa to the track? Yeah, all the time.
I remember, one time he took you down to the winner's circle, right? That's right.
I can't believe you remember that.
Yeah, I remember, 'cause you told me Lisa had this crazy blue dress on or something.
I told you that? Yeah.
I pay attention.
That little sweater with Dalmatians you were wearing? That's amazing.
A little barrette you had What the hell's behind your back? Okay.
I knew it.
I pushed it with the barrette, that was my big mistake, right there.
Look at him.
He loved the racetrack.
He'd always be yelling, "Tell me it's true, baby! "Tell me it's true!" Again, a little aroused.
Look at that.
That's the happiest I've ever seen him, right there.
Looks very happy.
Hey! That's a thought.
We take his ashes, we scatter them in the winner's circle.
That's perfect.
Oh, the winner's circle, that's perfect.
Yeah.
Who thought of it? Me.
Okay, call Ira.
Why am I calling Ira? Because they don't just let people into the winner's circle, you have to know someone who owns the horse that wins.
Yeah, so? So Ira's at the track all the time.
Maybe he knows owners.
(MURRAY BARKING) Aha! Aha, aha.
What? Look at Murray.
I'm looking.
I don't see "aha".
So if there's no such thing as forever, why did Murray bring the ball to Uncle Van? 'Cause he's a dog.
Last week he brought my socks to the toaster.
He don't care.
He just brings things Sweetie, do you know why he's doing that? He's doing that 'cause he smells No, you're right.
Aha! You definitely know this guy? Yeah.
And he owns the horse? Yeah.
So how do you know him? Paulie, from the track.
I can't talk about this right now.
So just give me the guy's name.
Why can't this wait? 'Cause I got a guy in my living room.
What guy? Jamie's uncle.
In the urn? In the urn.
(CHUCKLING) When are you going to the track next? I'm not.
So fine.
Give me the guy's number, I'll call him.
And say what? Next time one of your horses wins, I'd like to bury my wife's uncle's ashes in the winner's circle? What's wrong with that? It's never gonna happen, my friend.
Where are they running now, Aqueduct? Everyone, let's get started.
Belmont.
All right.
Ira.
Hi.
Uh, I'm Ira, and I'm a compulsive gambler.
Hi, Ira.
I thought that's what you do here.
I've got Racing Form, Racing Digest.
I've got Green Sheet, Yellow Sheet, Red Sheet.
Everybody's got an opinion.
"Duke says, Ed picks 'em, "and Bill knows.
" I can't believe your sister paid admission for your uncle.
Meanwhile, where did she go? Maybe your uncle wanted a beer.
I kid you.
So what, this Paulie guy, he's a big horse guy? Oh, yeah, he's the biggest.
'Cause I don't let just anyone in my box.
Hey, Maurice, would I bring a guy to your box who can't sit with you? He can sit with me? Sure.
He can sit with you.
She's already disappeared.
I like Valenzuela's horse.
I told Tommy.
What's that? I told Tommy.
You told Tommy? Go ask him.
We believe you.
How do I know this guy? Why do you talk to these people? He talked to me first.
All righty, all righty, all righty.
Who wants programs? Programs.
Is that different than what I got here? No, Paulie, you gotta have a program.
Give me the program.
I remember these.
Yeah, so do I.
Where's your guy who owns the horse? It's Maurice.
Maurice.
Yeah.
He's gonna be here any minute.
He'll get us into the winner's circle? If his horse wins.
Do you think it'll win? If I knew that, I'd be too happy to live.
You know, that three horse will never take the trip.
Did you tell Tommy? Right now.
Who is Tommy? I don't know.
Man, I love this place.
Are you sure you should be here? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
You're not gonna be tempted? Paulie, there's more to do at the track than bet on the horses.
There's the fresh air, there's the excitement, the people.
They got delicious food.
And they got ducks in the infield.
Give me your wallet.
No, no, no.
Give me your wallet.
It's okay, I'm cured.
You're not cured.
I'm not gonna bet.
I swear.
For how much? Ten bucks.
Now, is it me, or is the air pressure in here unusually low? Where did you go? Oh, look.
Wow, a Secretariat barometer.
Really needed it.
(TRUMPET BLOWING) Hear that, Uncle Van? ANNOUNCER: The horses for today's first race are on the track.
Ira.
Maurice.
What do you think? Hey, I want you to meet my cousin Paulie.
I hear you know a few things.
Oh, a few.
This is his wife Jamie and Lisa.
My pleasure.
They're both good.
Yeah.
So, uh, who we rooting for today? First race, I own the six horse.
Six horse? Six horse.
The name would be "About To Be Glue.
" About To Be Glue.
Yeah, that's not a good sign.
Look, Uncle Van, horses.
(IN A HUSKY VOICE) Tell me it's true, baby.
Tell me it's true.
Look at this.
About To Be Glue is 50 to 1.
He's a long shot.
He's About To Be Glue.
Uncle Van loved long shots.
Which is why he left you a pair of mukluks and a cheese wheel.
We're going to get hot dogs.
I'll give you a hand.
Hey, hey, hey, you're going nowhere.
What? Wait a second.
Wait a second.
What? All right, you can go.
Don't anyone touch my barometer.
All righty.
You know what, sweetie? I'm not sure this horse is gonna get your Uncle Van into the winner's circle.
Look at this.
It says, "About To Be Glue "doesn't figure.
" You hear that? "Doesn't figure.
" I like that.
What does the other one say? The other one, here Belmont, six horse.
"About To Be Glue figures to be last.
" Well, what do they know? ANNOUNCER: The horses are approaching the starting gate.
About To Be Glue.
About To Be Glue.
Atta girl! I bet the ass off that animal.
Sorry, lady.
Come on, About To Be Glue! Honey, come on, we have to make a bet for good luck.
Am I going or you going? Do you wanna go? I'm sitting.
I'm going.
How much? Do what you got to do.
Ira says you can sit with me.
Yeah, whatever.
When he gets back here I'll sit back with Jamie.
Whatever.
What do you think of my horse? Well, I'll tell you this, he's naked.
You're telling me what? I'm saying he's got nothing on him but a small guy with a hat.
You don't like my jockey? I don't know.
It's okay, it's okay.
You don't want to say anything, you don't want to say anything.
I don't know anything.
Come on, tell me.
Where did you hear it? Ask Tommy.
You talked to Tommy? I don't even know who Tommy is.
Oh, I hear that.
He hasn't been right in weeks.
Come on, tell me what you know.
Well, I'll tell you this.
You can't get hamburger from Salisbury steak.
Say no more.
Hey, Lise, listen.
Why don't you order me something? I got to hit the head.
No betting.
Betting? With what? I'll meet you back at the seats.
Yeah, we're probably gonna split something.
Give me a $5 wheel on the six horse, front and back, and give me a six, three, one box.
Give me a $30 baseball, one, three, six.
Also on the six, let me have we have $10 across the board.
Slap me! Okay.
Give me $20 to win, $20 to place and $20 to show.
Come on! Here we go.
Wow.
Tell me! I can't believe LaGuardia's so close.
Forget about LaGuardia.
Tell me about my horse.
What? Can he win? How do I know? I'm here for a funeral.
Oh, do you think he'll die in the stretch? What are you asking me I been to the track once in my whole life.
Just like me.
One long day, and it lasts forever.
Yeah, well, there's no such thing as forever.
So in other words, you think he can't go the distance.
Yeah.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
You make a quinella? That wasn't me, babe.
I miss you, Uncle Van.
You were always so nice to me.
I wish I could share this with you.
In fact, you know what? I can't believe you already ate.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
That's it.
(BEEPING) Here, I got $500 to win and $500 to place on the six horse.
Cancel it.
ANNOUNCER: The horses for today's first race are approaching the starting gate.
All right, here we go.
How you doing, Ira? Good.
Mike.
(CHUCKLES) Hey.
Did you see that they have, uh, ducks in the infield? My wife likes the number six horse, too.
Do I know you? No.
So why you talking to me? I thought that was done here.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Hey, where you been? Come on.
Look what I did.
Wow! How much did you bet? You said I should.
All right, so, you know what, our kids will work with their hands.
ANNOUNCER: The horses for the first race have now reached the starting gate.
I've really got a feeling.
I feel like Van is here and this horse is gonna win and he's gonna wind up where he belongs.
Hey, honey, I so want to believe that.
Really? Really.
'Cause we need forever.
'Cause getting our money back would be good.
Did you hear about Salisbury steak? I heard.
Where'd you hear it, Tommy? Nah, Tommy's out.
There's a new guy.
ANNOUNCER: They're all in line.
Here, I got the food.
Where's Uncle Van? He's with Ira.
Hey, where is Ira? With Uncle Van? ANNOUNCER: About To Be Glue stumbled at the start.
(PEOPLE CHEERING) Has anybody seen a bronze urn? Guys, hey! Quit watching television.
(ALL YELLING) ANNOUNCER: Jim Schtickington still in front by two.
Jen's Hope on the far side second, Kenny Lane can't go with him, and in-between horses is About To Be Glue.
and three horses across the track chasing Schtickington on the inside, Jen's Hope outside, and About To Be Glue this long shot coming on.
About To Be Glue, About To Be Glue.
Uncle Van? Come on, you had your little fun.
Uncle Van? Olly olly oxen free.
ANNOUNCER: Coming on, About To Be Glue is running a huge one out here.
About To Be Glue.
About To Be Glue.
VAN: Tell me it's true, baby! Tell me it's true! ANNOUNCER: About To Be Glue has suddenly sprouted wings out here and About To Be Glue is going to go on and win it by three.
We just won.
We won.
Did you hear that? What? Nothing.
What did you hear? What did you hear? I didn't hear anything.
All right.
Let's go to the winner's circle.
Yeah.
Okay, great.
How did you not hear that? Aha! All right! Fifty to one and I didn't bet on him.
How stupid am I? I had $1,000 on him, and your cousin talked me off the horse.
How stupid are you?