Mandy (2019) s03e03 Episode Script
Humandy Statue
1
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
# But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
And I need you today Oh, Mandy. ♪
20 Embassy, please, Abu.
Ta.
Do you still work at Asda?
No, I'm working as a living statue
now, Abu.
- Do you have long Covid?
- What?
- You look very grey. - It's make-up, Abu.
I'm doing living statue work.
- What is living statue?
- You just stand still looking like a statue.
- And this is a job?
- Yeah.
Where do you apply for this?
Just start doing it.
OK.
- Right, bye, then.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, shit. Is that the time?
Need to get changed for the theatre.
Mandy, I'm so excited.
I can't believe you bought tickets to
see Psychic Pauline.
Oh, I didn't pay. I thought we could
do the old high-vis jacket trick.
Here, put this on.
- What?
High-vis jacket gets you in
anywhere, no questions asked.
I've seen loads of stuff with a
high-vis.
I've been on Top Of The Pops.
Well, we have a terrific programme
for you.
We have Bon Jovi, Farley "Jackmaster"
Funk,
Frankie Goes To Hollywood and they're
all live in the studio.
I went to the Royal Variety
performance.
APPLAUSE
I saw Torvill and Dean.
[CHEERING]
And I saw the 1980 Embassy World
Snooker finals at the Crucible.
And Higgins will be disappointed
with that.
Muffed that up, didn't you, Alex?
Alex.
Alex!
Hurricane.
- What?
Couldn't give me a light, could you?
Ta.
Alex.
Alex, can I borrow your ashtray?
Sorry.
Oh, thanks.
Quite dishy, Thorburn, isn't he?
thought?
If you like that sort of thing.
That miss gives Higgins another
chance.
Cliff Thorburn, eight.
[APPLAUSE]
Alex, I love you!
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
Oh, and that's a terrible miss from
Higgins.
He'll be disappointed with that.
- Jesus fucking Christ. You fucking idiot.
- Oh!
Who let you in here?
- I carried the table in.
- You fucking moron!
[MANDY SHRIEKS]
Oh!
You're with the Hurricane now!
Now you've done it! I'm going to come
for you.
Alex "The Hurricane" Higgins must
have been furious, Mandy.
Hmm. I cost him the final. Said he'd
never forgive me.
Said if he ever saw me again, he'd
fucking kill me.
- Wasn't he a big drinker?
- Why do you think he turned to drink?
- And you never got to apologise?
- No. He died in 2010.
Anyway, the high-vis jacket pays for
itself in no time.
- But what do we do?
- That's the beauty of it, Lola - nothing.
You just walk in. They think you're
meant to be there.
I'm not sure, Mandy. What if we get
caught?
Thought you might say that. To make
you feel better,
we'll carry a table in.
- Carry a table? - Yeah.
Nobody questions you if you're
carrying a table.
[BELL RINGS]
- If you'd like to take your seats,
ladies and gentlemen, the show is
about to begin.
Let's leave it here, Lo.
We'll cover it in leaflets about
zip-wire experiences in old caves
to make it blend in.
Let's get some seats.
- I can't believe it worked.
- Never fails.
Oh, good seats!
Right, that's the earpiece in.
Ready to go?
- Of course.
So I've got all the information
submitted by the audience
to the website listed by seat number -
names, addresses, deceased loved ones.
Just in case the spirits are quiet
again tonight.
Oh, we don't want another
Nottingham, do we?
I've picked out a few juicy ones to
start with.
Don't give me all the info in one
go.
I like to eke it out,
so it sounds like they're coming
through in dribs and drabs -
put on a show!
You certainly do that.
Going to use the spirit
of the dead actress on stage routine?
Oh, it's a bit hammy.
But the crowd love it.
I'll do it if I need it.
[SHE GARGLES]
Excuse me, I think you're sitting in
our seats.
- Piss off, grandma, I was there first.
- Oh!
So rude!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Oh, good evening, ladies and
gentlemen.
So LOVELY to be here.
But, wow,
I'm already feeling some spirit
energy.
Woman in row B, seat 12.
You, my love.
Do you know anyone to have passed in
tragedy?
- Yes.
- She's recently lost her aunt.
Was it an auntie?
- Yes, yes. - Because I've got someone
saying "I'm her auntie".
I've got access to the will. She got
the necklace.
- You've got something of hers, haven't you?
- Yes, I have.
I've got a necklace.
She says you're to keep the
necklace.
Think of her when you wear it.
Don't lend it out or pawn it.
Was she quite a bossy woman
when she was alive, your auntie?
- Yes, she was.
- Yes.
She's still bossy!
[LAUGHTER]
She's laughing.
Son got the motorbike.
Who's got the motorbike?
- Oh, that'll be my son.
- Ah.
She's saying tell him to sloooow
doooown.
- Right.
- She says she feels much better now,
so you're not to worry.
Will you take her love, my darling?
- Yes. Thank you.
Yes.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH]
Goose bumps.
A5- daughter Elizabeth died in a
car crash.
I'm feeling some other energy now.
Making me move in this direction.
I think I'm coming to you, my love.
Blonde lady.
I'm getting a Oh, young lady.
Something about a car crash.
- No.
- Sure?
A lady called Elizabeth.
- No.
- It's definitely seat A5.
Car crashed on Ledbury Street.
It was a four car pile-up. She can't
have forgotten it.
Ledbury Street.
I want you to think about that.
Definitely for you.
- No, not for me.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
She must be sitting in the wrong
seta.
You're losing them!
Do the stage spirit.
I think the communication from the
spirit world
is being disturbed
by a strong, violent presence
here on this very stage.
Ah, ladies and gentlemen,
there is a spirit with me here now
who died 100 years ago when a piece of
scenery fell on her head
during a matinee performance
of the Importance Of Being Earnest
by Irish playwright and homosexual
Oscar Wilde.
She is trapped now
between Earth and heaven.
She wanders the stage.
She is tired now. So tired.
She wants me to see if I can help her
get into the spirit world.
I'll do my best, my love.
Spirits, if you can hear me,
please take this lady to her rest.
Please let her enter your porthole.
Spirits, take her!
Oh!
She's gone.
Thank you, spirits.
Thank you!
- Hey, maybe I should ask
if she can bring Alex Higgins through
so I can make amends.
That's a good idea, Mandy.
Um, excuse me.
Excuse me, Pauline.
Um, I don't know this Elizabeth woman,
but there is someone on the other side
I'd like to talk to.
Um, I've got some unfinished business
with Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.
- Oh! - The two-times world
champion snooker player?
Yeah. Yeah, could you bring him
through so I could apologise to him?
You want me to summon the ghost! of
Hurricane Higgins?
- Yeah. - You want me to summon
the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?
- Yes, please. - You want me to summon
the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?
I'm sorry, love, I don't do requests.
I'm not a DJ!
- Shame she didn't get Alex.
- Yeah.
Maybe she's losing her touch.
How's the human statue work going?
- It's all right.
Most people find the hours of
inactivity hard to cope with,
but, for me, it's the only perk of the job.
- Hmm.
When I performed here last night,
I was confronted by the spirit
of an actress
who died on this very stage 100 years
ago.
I wonder, will she make an appearance
again?
What the?
Oh, fucking hell.
I know that smell.
Embassy 100s.
Higgins, is that you?
Of course it's me.
I've come for you, Mandy.
You lost me the 1980 World Snooker
finals.
I said I'd track you down.
And I have.
- I'm sorry. It was an accident.
Please forgive me.
- I could have potted that blue,
come round for the final red,
leaving me on for the black.
But you distracted me.
You cost me the World Championship,
Mandy!
[SHE SHRIEKS]
[BBC SNOOKER THEME MUSIC
"DRAG RACER" PLAYS]
Here comes Hurricane!
Row A, seat six.
While I'm talking, I'm being drawn
over here
to this lady.
And I'm getting the name
Pauline Franklin.
..Franklin.
You're snookered now, Mandy!
This is your cue to die!
- No, means nothing to me.
- Come on, think.
- No. - People must be sitting
in different seats again.
Maybe it's the lady next to you.
No, mate, no. Not me, no.
Come on, let's get our money back.
The woman's a charlatan.
Pauline! Open your porthole!
Higgins is coming for me!
Help me!
- Fuck me, the Grey Lady's real.
Mandy Carter.
it's Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.
This is your reckoning.
Alex, I love you!
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
[SHE CHOKES]
Oh!
Oh
She didn't see that coming.
Typical Higgins - went for the shot,
should have played safety.
# There's a ghost in my house
# A ghost of your memories
# The ghost of the love that you took
from me
# Where our love used to be
# Only shadows from the past I see
# Time can't seem to erase
# The vision of your smiling face
# Though you found someone new
# I can't get over you
There's a ghost in my house. ♪
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
# But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
And I need you today Oh, Mandy. ♪
20 Embassy, please, Abu.
Ta.
Do you still work at Asda?
No, I'm working as a living statue
now, Abu.
- Do you have long Covid?
- What?
- You look very grey. - It's make-up, Abu.
I'm doing living statue work.
- What is living statue?
- You just stand still looking like a statue.
- And this is a job?
- Yeah.
Where do you apply for this?
Just start doing it.
OK.
- Right, bye, then.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, shit. Is that the time?
Need to get changed for the theatre.
Mandy, I'm so excited.
I can't believe you bought tickets to
see Psychic Pauline.
Oh, I didn't pay. I thought we could
do the old high-vis jacket trick.
Here, put this on.
- What?
High-vis jacket gets you in
anywhere, no questions asked.
I've seen loads of stuff with a
high-vis.
I've been on Top Of The Pops.
Well, we have a terrific programme
for you.
We have Bon Jovi, Farley "Jackmaster"
Funk,
Frankie Goes To Hollywood and they're
all live in the studio.
I went to the Royal Variety
performance.
APPLAUSE
I saw Torvill and Dean.
[CHEERING]
And I saw the 1980 Embassy World
Snooker finals at the Crucible.
And Higgins will be disappointed
with that.
Muffed that up, didn't you, Alex?
Alex.
Alex!
Hurricane.
- What?
Couldn't give me a light, could you?
Ta.
Alex.
Alex, can I borrow your ashtray?
Sorry.
Oh, thanks.
Quite dishy, Thorburn, isn't he?
thought?
If you like that sort of thing.
That miss gives Higgins another
chance.
Cliff Thorburn, eight.
[APPLAUSE]
Alex, I love you!
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
Oh, and that's a terrible miss from
Higgins.
He'll be disappointed with that.
- Jesus fucking Christ. You fucking idiot.
- Oh!
Who let you in here?
- I carried the table in.
- You fucking moron!
[MANDY SHRIEKS]
Oh!
You're with the Hurricane now!
Now you've done it! I'm going to come
for you.
Alex "The Hurricane" Higgins must
have been furious, Mandy.
Hmm. I cost him the final. Said he'd
never forgive me.
Said if he ever saw me again, he'd
fucking kill me.
- Wasn't he a big drinker?
- Why do you think he turned to drink?
- And you never got to apologise?
- No. He died in 2010.
Anyway, the high-vis jacket pays for
itself in no time.
- But what do we do?
- That's the beauty of it, Lola - nothing.
You just walk in. They think you're
meant to be there.
I'm not sure, Mandy. What if we get
caught?
Thought you might say that. To make
you feel better,
we'll carry a table in.
- Carry a table? - Yeah.
Nobody questions you if you're
carrying a table.
[BELL RINGS]
- If you'd like to take your seats,
ladies and gentlemen, the show is
about to begin.
Let's leave it here, Lo.
We'll cover it in leaflets about
zip-wire experiences in old caves
to make it blend in.
Let's get some seats.
- I can't believe it worked.
- Never fails.
Oh, good seats!
Right, that's the earpiece in.
Ready to go?
- Of course.
So I've got all the information
submitted by the audience
to the website listed by seat number -
names, addresses, deceased loved ones.
Just in case the spirits are quiet
again tonight.
Oh, we don't want another
Nottingham, do we?
I've picked out a few juicy ones to
start with.
Don't give me all the info in one
go.
I like to eke it out,
so it sounds like they're coming
through in dribs and drabs -
put on a show!
You certainly do that.
Going to use the spirit
of the dead actress on stage routine?
Oh, it's a bit hammy.
But the crowd love it.
I'll do it if I need it.
[SHE GARGLES]
Excuse me, I think you're sitting in
our seats.
- Piss off, grandma, I was there first.
- Oh!
So rude!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Oh, good evening, ladies and
gentlemen.
So LOVELY to be here.
But, wow,
I'm already feeling some spirit
energy.
Woman in row B, seat 12.
You, my love.
Do you know anyone to have passed in
tragedy?
- Yes.
- She's recently lost her aunt.
Was it an auntie?
- Yes, yes. - Because I've got someone
saying "I'm her auntie".
I've got access to the will. She got
the necklace.
- You've got something of hers, haven't you?
- Yes, I have.
I've got a necklace.
She says you're to keep the
necklace.
Think of her when you wear it.
Don't lend it out or pawn it.
Was she quite a bossy woman
when she was alive, your auntie?
- Yes, she was.
- Yes.
She's still bossy!
[LAUGHTER]
She's laughing.
Son got the motorbike.
Who's got the motorbike?
- Oh, that'll be my son.
- Ah.
She's saying tell him to sloooow
doooown.
- Right.
- She says she feels much better now,
so you're not to worry.
Will you take her love, my darling?
- Yes. Thank you.
Yes.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH]
Goose bumps.
A5- daughter Elizabeth died in a
car crash.
I'm feeling some other energy now.
Making me move in this direction.
I think I'm coming to you, my love.
Blonde lady.
I'm getting a Oh, young lady.
Something about a car crash.
- No.
- Sure?
A lady called Elizabeth.
- No.
- It's definitely seat A5.
Car crashed on Ledbury Street.
It was a four car pile-up. She can't
have forgotten it.
Ledbury Street.
I want you to think about that.
Definitely for you.
- No, not for me.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
She must be sitting in the wrong
seta.
You're losing them!
Do the stage spirit.
I think the communication from the
spirit world
is being disturbed
by a strong, violent presence
here on this very stage.
Ah, ladies and gentlemen,
there is a spirit with me here now
who died 100 years ago when a piece of
scenery fell on her head
during a matinee performance
of the Importance Of Being Earnest
by Irish playwright and homosexual
Oscar Wilde.
She is trapped now
between Earth and heaven.
She wanders the stage.
She is tired now. So tired.
She wants me to see if I can help her
get into the spirit world.
I'll do my best, my love.
Spirits, if you can hear me,
please take this lady to her rest.
Please let her enter your porthole.
Spirits, take her!
Oh!
She's gone.
Thank you, spirits.
Thank you!
- Hey, maybe I should ask
if she can bring Alex Higgins through
so I can make amends.
That's a good idea, Mandy.
Um, excuse me.
Excuse me, Pauline.
Um, I don't know this Elizabeth woman,
but there is someone on the other side
I'd like to talk to.
Um, I've got some unfinished business
with Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.
- Oh! - The two-times world
champion snooker player?
Yeah. Yeah, could you bring him
through so I could apologise to him?
You want me to summon the ghost! of
Hurricane Higgins?
- Yeah. - You want me to summon
the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?
- Yes, please. - You want me to summon
the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?
I'm sorry, love, I don't do requests.
I'm not a DJ!
- Shame she didn't get Alex.
- Yeah.
Maybe she's losing her touch.
How's the human statue work going?
- It's all right.
Most people find the hours of
inactivity hard to cope with,
but, for me, it's the only perk of the job.
- Hmm.
When I performed here last night,
I was confronted by the spirit
of an actress
who died on this very stage 100 years
ago.
I wonder, will she make an appearance
again?
What the?
Oh, fucking hell.
I know that smell.
Embassy 100s.
Higgins, is that you?
Of course it's me.
I've come for you, Mandy.
You lost me the 1980 World Snooker
finals.
I said I'd track you down.
And I have.
- I'm sorry. It was an accident.
Please forgive me.
- I could have potted that blue,
come round for the final red,
leaving me on for the black.
But you distracted me.
You cost me the World Championship,
Mandy!
[SHE SHRIEKS]
[BBC SNOOKER THEME MUSIC
"DRAG RACER" PLAYS]
Here comes Hurricane!
Row A, seat six.
While I'm talking, I'm being drawn
over here
to this lady.
And I'm getting the name
Pauline Franklin.
..Franklin.
You're snookered now, Mandy!
This is your cue to die!
- No, means nothing to me.
- Come on, think.
- No. - People must be sitting
in different seats again.
Maybe it's the lady next to you.
No, mate, no. Not me, no.
Come on, let's get our money back.
The woman's a charlatan.
Pauline! Open your porthole!
Higgins is coming for me!
Help me!
- Fuck me, the Grey Lady's real.
Mandy Carter.
it's Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.
This is your reckoning.
Alex, I love you!
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
[SHE CHOKES]
Oh!
Oh
She didn't see that coming.
Typical Higgins - went for the shot,
should have played safety.
# There's a ghost in my house
# A ghost of your memories
# The ghost of the love that you took
from me
# Where our love used to be
# Only shadows from the past I see
# Time can't seem to erase
# The vision of your smiling face
# Though you found someone new
# I can't get over you
There's a ghost in my house. ♪