Melissa & Joey s03e03 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Full-day budget hearing.
Do you know how tiring it is to act like you're listening all day long? "Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Really? Oh.
" But by and large you like your job down at City Hall, right? Yeah, I mean, everyone holds the elevator door for me, and just like Batman, I get to say I'm friends with the mayor.
So it would even be a good place to work part-time, right? - I think I forgot my purse in the car.
- What's that on your arm? Oh, I think I forgot something else in the car.
Yeah, maybe you forgot to tell me that a part-time job opened up in the Toledo controller's office.
- It's not the right job for you, Joe.
- Aha! - So you did know about it.
- Are you looking for work behind my back? Apparently that's where the jobs are.
It's paper pushing.
You'd be looking for budget reductions and redundancies.
It's not sexy.
And hosing bird poop off your mailbox, that's sexy? It is when you do it.
Look, and besides you're happy here.
So very happy! Happiness requires personal fulfillment and a little self-respect.
- Mm-hmm mm-hmm.
- And I just, don't really think that I'm getting that here.
- Really? Oh.
- Will you knock that off?! All right, look.
It's true I didn't tell you, but, you know, if you apply for that job, all that Scanlon business is gonna come right back up.
I just didn't want to see you publicly embarrassed again.
Burke, I'm a male nanny who hoses bird poop off your mailbox.
I think I'm past the whole embarrassment thing.
All right, just get me in the room for the interview.
- Who makes the decision? - Well, there's a committee of seven people, - but really it comes down to two.
- Okay, who are they? - Give me their names.
- Well, there's Paul Wagner and some other person.
- Okay, who? - Uh, some lady.
I don't know Me.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
So you're one of two people that make the call on a job that I am unbelievably qualified for and yet you kept it from me.
How long are you gonna keep nursing this wound, Joe? It's been one minute.
Exactly.
It's time to move on.
Did you say dinner? No.
- Could you say dinner? - No.
But I will say this, your aunt could have put me up for this really great job and she didn't.
- What's up with that, Aunt Mel? - What? It's a part-time thingy.
And worse it'll take your tutor away from you.
Oh no.
My hard-ass teacher will be in my face a whole lot less.
Boo-freaking-hoo.
Well, the kids are on board.
Yeah, why are standing in Joe's way? Fine.
I'll get you the interview.
Thank you, and thank you, guys.
It's nice to know that you have my back.
Sure.
You deserve a crack at an important management-level job that fully utilizes your executive skill set.
Hm-mm, I totally agree.
Now can you manage some dinner? You know I start rehearsals tomorrow? Uh-huh.
It's the play where I'm kissing another boy.
So just making sure you don't freak out about it.
This guy-- not worried.
It's Archer Adams.
Not my type, but the school blog named him sexiest upperclassman, non-jock category.
Yeah, I just know you're doing the play to broaden yourself as a writer, not to kiss some guy.
Speaking of kissing a guy, what are we doing this weekend? I need to break in this new watermelon lip gloss.
Ooh.
Well, I don't know.
I've got a lot of work to do on my art-school portfolio.
Hey, do you remember that beautiful spot at Toledo Beach - we went for our first date? - Oh, how could I forget? I still haven't gotten all the sand out of my-- ear.
What were you thinking? I'm going back there to draw rocks.
Uh-oh.
No, I can't be the first one here.
It's gonna look like I'm on your side.
Aren't you on my side? Well yes, but secretly, which makes it even better.
Shh, yay Joe.
Relax, Burke, I'm gonna knock this interview out of the park.
I've already gone through five years of these city budgets and I've got a lot of ideas.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Really? What? That was totally sincere.
Uh thank you so much for joining us today, Mr.
Longow.
Am I pronouncing that correctly? Thank you for coming in today.
It's very nice to meet you.
I'm Joe Longo.
Yeah.
I can read.
Look, we need somebody with a sharp eye who can spot inefficiencies and waste.
Well, I've already isolated four areas of budget redundancy.
It's something I like to call the Longo Initiative for Cost Cutting, or "Lick.
" The problem I see with you is that there's no controller experience.
Nothing.
Zip.
Now where did we get this guy? You know if I can just counter that by saying that my vast experience in the private sector has more than qualified-- Wait a minute-- Joe Longo.
Aren't you the guy from that financial scandal? That was your crooked brother-in-law, right, Burke? Was it? Huh.
What do you know? I guess you're right.
Um, look, I I had nothing to do with that malfeasance that occurred.
W-w-- wait.
Wait a minute.
- You're working for Burke now? - Let me see that.
I didn't know you were gonna-- Yes indeedy.
He works for me.
I'm um I'm her executive director of, um household affairs.
So you do have experience with government, just indirectly.
Now do you trust this guy in your house? - Yeah, I do.
- Well, that's good enough for me.
You're hired, Longo.
In jobs like this it's all about trust.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
This here's our last three fiscal years.
You know, just go on and do your thing.
Lick it.
Happy to.
Did you see what I did there? My trusting you got you this job.
The job you weren't gonna tell me about? You've really got to learn to let things go, Joe.
Now get cracking on that mountain of paperwork.
Go suck it.
Lick it.
Whatever.
Oh, Alejandro, I shouldn't be here.
You shouldn't be here.
No stay.
Every moment apart from you is a thousand years.
Every step away from you is a thousand miles.
- Kiss me! - No.
My father's in the carriage house and will most certainly see us.
I don't care.
I must have your lips.
That was great.
- It was.
- Uh-huh.
This is looking very good.
The writer is very happy.
Thank you, Lizbeth.
Just making your words come alive.
Okay, well, let's run that again while it's still fresh.
I don't mind.
Me either.
And action.
The scene, Lennox, I meant the whole scene.
Oh, of course.
Yes, words.
Words are very good too.
So look what I had flown in just for Joe.
Mignona's Famous from Jersey City.
Yeah.
So we can fly in pizza from another state, but I can't buy new sneakers.
Well, it's his favorite.
A gift like this clearly says "I should have told you about the job.
I was worried about nothing.
And I'm glad you got hired.
" That's putting a lot of pressure on a pizza.
Yeah, but this way I don't actually have to apologize.
Hey, Lennox.
Lennox? Everything okay? Nothing happened.
It was just a rehearsal.
Who's to say it means anything.
Can we just drop it?! Sorry to badger you like that.
Surprise.
Look what I so thoughtfully got for you-- pizza.
Oh, Mignona's Famous.
I love this place.
She got it with extra cheese and double meaning.
Yeah, and grand expensive gesture - to celebrate your first week on the job.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Can I talk to you just real quick in the other room? - Mm-hmm.
So this nothing that didn't happen.
Did it not happen with Archer Adams? Oh shut up.
You're not even at school.
Yeah, but I read the play.
It's pretty hot.
You know a lot of romances start on set because of all the Rehearsing.
Just look at Brad and Angelina.
- You know nothing.
- I know that Zander's about to find out he's Jennifer Aniston.
So look, I wanted to talk to you about this first.
But I was going over the budgets for the city and the numbers are not adding up.
There's money missing.
Do you know anything about this? Okay.
About a month ago, I used petty cash to buy two dozen mini-bundt cakes for a staff meeting.
Nobody ate them so I brought them home.
The discrepancy is $1.
2 million.
Okay, that's not me.
Damn it.
Why am I always standing five feet away when other people steal money? It's like these scandals, they will just not leave me alone.
You know, neither will hot women, but that's like a whole 'nother 45 minutes.
Joe, this happened before you got there-- that means you've done a good job.
You were hired to find inefficiencies.
You found 1.
2 million of them.
No no, these are not inefficiencies, Mel.
This is a big pile of government money that grew legs and walked away.
Although for that kind of money it could have bought a Ferrari and driven itself away.
I'm gonna have to go tell Wagner tonight.
Joe, not every million dollars that's missing is a scandal.
It could just be some good old-fashioned government waste.
Have faith in the system.
Those are some pretty great-looking rocks.
Yeah, I was trying to capture the way the waves carve-- You know, I'm sorry.
I've been in my own head lately.
I should have asked you first thing.
How'd your rehearsal go? Oh, you know, the usual.
Nothing special.
Certainly nothing exciting.
Just, you know, talk talk kiss kiss.
Kiss kiss kiss.
But I'd prefer to kiss a guy I'm actually going out with.
Well, that can be arranged.
Don't be afraid to hold it a little longer.
And try turning your head into it.
You know? Is that what you were looking for? A little bit.
Maybe it'd be better if we stood up.
Now tell me you must have my lips.
What is that? A line from the play? No, just say it.
It's fun.
I thought the kissing was the fun part.
So why do I have to say that? Because you're swept away with your passion for me like the excitement when we first met and you can no longer control your-- Oh, my phone's buzzing.
Oh.
"I must have my phone!" Oh, it's the guy from the silk-screen shop.
- I've really got to take this.
- No hurry.
I bet you didn't know I was over here the whole time.
You were listening to us? Yeah, and watching you try and cast Zander in the new play of yours called "Kissing Archer Adams.
" All right, what I'm doing with Archer is acting that looks like kissing.
But when I kiss Zander, that means something because he's the only boy I truly care about.
Mm-hmm.
So in the play, is your acting gonna be more believable than it is right now? See, every month the Parks disbursement should be getting this $32,000.
And every month it just doesn't show up.
You know it's-- it's gone.
All All $1.
2 million worth.
Joe, with a government the size of Toledo a little money get's misplaced once in a while.
It's like when change falls between the cushions of a couch.
That would be a pretty big couch.
So you see why we had to meet tonight.
We're gonna have to do something.
Or we don't do anything.
I'm sorry.
What? Here's the thing.
You don't need another scandal in your life.
Wait a minute.
Wait, this-- this happened long before I started working here.
Well, who's to say really? And how would it look for your friend? You know, the councilwoman.
Something like this coming out, it could really-- it could really damage her future.
You know why you're here, don't you? You're here because I can trust you.
Yeah, you can trust me not to blow the whistle on your money-sucking couch.
Ah, it's very complicated, man.
But hasn't your reputation been through enough? Let me take you out to dinner sometime.
You know, I'm thinking steak.
Oh yeah.
I bet you are.
Big, greasy, slimy piece of steak.
It's him, Burke.
Wagner's the one who's been taking all the money - out of the budgets for the parks.
- Are you sure about this? Yes, I'm positive.
That's why he hired me.
See, he knew if I said anything, it was gonna blow up on me and you.
Crap, it's gonna look like I'm involved.
Like I brought you in to cover my tracks.
Oh, there goes my political future.
Ooh, I never should have recommended you for this job! You didn't.
You hid it from me.
Not well enough.
Wait a minute.
Wait, look-- there is one thing that we might be able to try, okay? When things started to go South at Scanlon, the FBI came to me and they asked me if I would help set up a sting on Lewis.
So you want to run a secret spy operation on Wagner? Maybe we could crawl through air ducts and lower ourselves through rotating fan blades.
- What do you think, you're Bruce Willis? - I could do what he does.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Look look.
All we have to do is get Wagner to say that he did it - while we record him.
- So you're gonna wear a wire? Well, no no no.
Not me.
My clothes are way too form-fitting.
There'd be nowhere to put it.
I know where I'd put it.
- No, you're gonna be the one wearing the wire.
- What? No.
I have a very specific look with clean lines and classic curves.
Burke, you know it's not a reel-to-reel tape deck, right? Why don't you just get a looser sport jacket and hide it in there? What? Me in baggy clothes?! No, that would put up so many red flags.
Okay, this is not that difficult.
Look, say this is our secret recording device.
What are you-- what are you-- it's gonna do that every time.
Just like grip it with your pecs or something.
What do you mean grip it with my-- like that.
Yeah, I think Wagner's gonna realize that I don't have a third rectangular boob.
Aunt Mel, can I ask you something woman to woman? Chica a' chica? Lay it on me.
Have you ever gotten an amazingly hot kiss from the totally wrong guy? Yes.
Once.
From 2001 to 2005.
You know the play that I'm in? I'm kissing this guy Archer and he's kissing me back and it's different from when I kiss Zander.
- It's-- - More exciting? Much more.
I'm thinking there might be a strong connection with Archer.
- Well, what about Zander? - I don't know.
Things have kind of lost their sizzle.
He spends all of his time drawing rocks.
Honey, serious relationships can't always be thrilling.
You know, eventually all guys draw rocks.
So it starts off exciting and then drops off to bleh? Nothing wrong with bleh.
Look, there's no fireworks on July I'm too young to settle for warm.
- I need hot.
- So are you saying you're ready to break up with Zander? Absolutely not, but don't you think I owe it to myself to find out if there's something there with Archer? I mean that kiss.
Okay, come back from the kiss.
The kiss is messing with your head.
Take it from someone with a little more experience.
Okay, a lot more experience.
You don't want to risk what you have with Zander.
You know what? I'm gonna call Archer.
Honey, you're playing with fire.
It's not worth it.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'd do the exact same thing.
I think this extra rehearsal time could really help us.
Good idea, Lennox.
Well, you learn so much in this process.
I'm really enjoying it.
I mean the acting.
You know, discovering the truth in every moment.
I still feel like the kiss could use more - Definition.
- Oh, I totally agree.
What do you mean? Let's just let the characters guide us.
When Alejandro leans into Clara, he's really hoping that Stop! That's not how you do it.
When you kiss a girl, you've got to mean it.
Let me show you how it's done.
- How was that? - Pretty much perfect.
I'm taking you to Toledo Beach right now.
Just the two of us.
We'll watch the sunset.
Go get your books.
You don't have to work on your portfolio? Screw that.
Besides I already turned it in.
Hey, man.
Thanks for the heads up.
She really was feeling unappreciated.
I'm telling you, a little passion goes a long way.
And anyway I did it as much for me as for you guys.
Kevin was really upset about all this kissing.
The last thing I need is a jealous boyfriend.
You're a talented actor.
Oh, no doubt I am fabulous.
All right, let's go, babe.
I'm sorry to skip out on rehearsals, but when your man kisses you like that I get it-- trust me.
You're gonna like the rib eye here.
It's not cheap, but-- - we can afford it, right? - Yes, we can.
Are you two gonna tell me what this is about? Or are you gonna keep shooting each other looks like a couple of bad poker players? Here's the deal.
We both know the money is missing.
"Missing.
" We promise not to say anything about the money as long as we get a piece of the pie.
Yeah, and a nice piece too, you know, with fruit in it.
Made with lots of "dough.
" I'm sure we can speak candidly because no one here is wearing a wire.
Right? Clearly, Longo, with the way you dress, there's nowhere to put one on you.
So I'm guessing it's the esteemed councilwoman.
Now is that a recording device tucked underneath there or are you just happy to see me? Oh! Total amateurs.
I expected a little more ingenuity.
Did you get the extended warranty? - No, I just-- - Oh, too bad.
You told me you couldn't see it.
Well, I'm sorry for not staring down your shirt all night.
Lovely, Anthony, as always.
I think we should just drop the whole matter and enjoy ourselves.
Let's just relax.
Savor the good life.
While the city of Toledo foots the bill? I'm-a lick it.
What are you-- You're actually gonna eat? What? Wasting a perfectly good rib eye won't prove anything.
- Oh my God, let me just-- - No no no.
Wait wait wait.
Hold-- hold-- just hold on a second, Mel.
He's fine.
Don't worry.
I got it, really.
Eat, enjoy it, okay.
That was a pretty big bite there, Paul.
So look, here's my proposal, all right? I'm gonna come over there and save your life as long as you admit that you stole the money.
Would you do that little thing for me? Yeah? You will? Okay.
So you did in fact steal the money? You did? Okay.
All right, great.
Ready? Here we go.
One.
Two.
Three.
Thar she blows.
Okay.
You know, I made him learn how to do that when he took the nanny job.
- So I just technically saved your life too.
- Uh-huh.
That's very cute, Longo.
But your proof is in a glass of water.
- So you got nothing.
- But you did take the money? Yeah, I took the money.
But no one's gonna believe the two of you-- a Wall Street con man and his naive co-conspirator.
You guys say anything and you both go down.
You know what's great, Paul? At that little store where they sell you recording devices, they also sell ones that Look just like salt shakers.
That way amateurs like us can lull professionals like you into a false sense of security with a decoy.
You double-crossing snake! Oh, let the record show that the councilman was looking at me when he made that unkind remark.
Let the record also show the councilman is a douchebag.
You wanna get that food to go? 'Cause we should probably just head down to the police station like right now.
Oh yeah, let's stop off at Channel Six on the way.
- You know, they'll eat this up.
- And you know what? - I bet they won't choke on it.
- Yeah, it'll probably go down smooth and easy.
You guys think you're cute, don't you? - Yeah, we do.
- We do.
We got a thing.
We just kinda-- What are you doing? - It's a $60 steak! - Let's go! Hurry! It's on, it's on.
Two-term councilman Paul Wagner was arrested tonight for embezzlement of city funds.
And who set up the sting that exposed the massive theft? - None other than - You're welcome.
Councilwoman Mel Burke.
No mention of me? I think I said your name.
I'm almost positive.
And who was on Paul Wagner's staff when the news broke? Disgraced financial wizard Joseph Longo.
- Oh, there you go, Joe.
- And they called you a wizard.
And being wrapped up in this new scandal is probably gonna cost Longo his job.
- What?! - Oh, come on.
Like you didn't see that coming? Hey, I did my job! All right? I found waste! I found corruption! Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Would you knock that off?