Metalocalypse (2006) s03e03 Episode Script

REPORTER: We're here in Egypt, at the Great sphinx of Giza, where Dethklok is showing us a side of metal that we haven't seen before They're giving a concert in support of the health and care of household pets NATHAN: Most of you know that dogs have balls We just found out that cats have balls, too And we all know balls make more pets, right? so tonight we support taking away balls from living animals Let the ball removal begin [ shrieking .]
Holy shit! We almost died Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! I'llteach you torock taller than a tree Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee William Murderface Murderface Murderface Pickles the drummer doodily doo ding dong doodily doodily doo Nathan Explosion Yeah, but guys the thing is that you are safe now And that's the important thing Moving on yeah but we almost did I wanna speak on behalf of the band, right guys? We talked about this And I want to put it out there and say, we can't die Alright? Guys, you aren't gonna die You'll be fine stop saying "die" Use a different word Yeah, yeah use a different phrase like something like, uhh, something that's good lnstead of death, like uhh Hamburger time Hamburger time Perfect say "hamburger time" Hamburgers time Hamburger time, alright? Well as long as you guys are all worried about, "hamburger time", uh, maybe it'd help out a little bit if you guys all went to the doctor, just got a check up Uh yeah, I'd like to pass on that Uhhh, I don't know I'm busy's Hey look, my uncle had a big huge thing growing on his neck And fine Then he goes to the doctor Cancer Bing bang boom! Hair out, hamburger time Listen, you guys are going to a doctor, alright? And Nathan you gotta go to a dentist to get your teeth worked on Oh no, no, no, no, no Guys listen, you're closer to death if you don't see a doctor Hamburger time! Please use the word, "hamburger time" when speaking to us You're closer to "hamburger time" if you don't see a doctor Thank you Do you have a cat in your lap? Hey I gots a cat in my lap lt's really cool cat You have a cat now Yeah, he's gots a little bits of a cough ls there anything I can do to get you guys to the doctor? lf ok, if we go to the doctor, then give us a week to kind of prepare Let us go to like an island somewhere and you know, like drink wheatgrass Yeah, organic food Then you'll check us out and find out we're healthy 'cause we've been taking it easy so well Alright guys that's fine Take a vacation Take a weekend, dry out Enjoy yourselves that's fine with me Good Then we're doing it [ laughing .]
you guys, you uh binge drank and did drugs the entire time didn't you? Uhhhh whoops I'm going to need you to fill these cups lt's a urine test You want our urine? That's fuckin' sick You're a sick doctor Nathan, why you acting all weird? I just keep thinking about going to the dentist and I don't like it at all I've never liked going to the dentist Dentist's are weird people You know that they have the highest suicide rate of any profession? Dude, that's pretty fuck'd up I know! They're fuckin' with your mouth, and your teeth are right next to your brain I mean, if they start fuckin' with your teeth and then it starts going into your brain, if your tooth rots, then your brain rots, then you die Hamburger time! Hamburger time! What about doctors? Doctors are worse They're the weird ones They wanna check you for like hernias and stuff and then they start jacking you off That's what they do That's weird You got a hernia Let me feel your balls Think! I just don't want some guy with no reason to live fuckin' with my mouth You know what I mean? Why cant's it be like a lady's boob whats cleans your teeth? Haha usually usually you have really bad ideas, but that that's a billion dollar idea Cleaning your teeth with tits Dudes we partied too hard so now our bodies are in terrible shape so, we got to trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape And there is only one way to do that bleach Here drink this, Murderface Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, but whys dont's we just pours bleach into ours cups of urines? No! Drink the bleach Bleach is healthy lt's mostly water And we're mostly water Therefore, we are bleach Anyway, enough talking Let's start drinking Murderface, you go first Just a little bit, just a little drop Okie dokey! There you go Oh! Ah! Ah, that burns! Keep it down Keep it down, bro Keep it down [ retching .]
Oh Oh god! Oh, that was awful! [ panting .]
Who's next? Me I'll go Mr Explosion, you're next Won't you come on in, take a seat? Uh, eh, you know, I'd like to stand right here I don't think I'm ready to go beyond this uh, point, uh Oh, I get it You don't want to be around me What if we just took things slow and, you know, you just gave me, like, a cup of mouth wash or something touching your dick Just try not to think about a guy touching your dick I know, just pretend it's a chick Pretend it's a chick touching your dick, that's all Yeah, yeah, that's better A really hot chick Yeah, that's it Hello Just relax Um, wait, stop moving your hand! No, no, no! Wait, wait! Oh god Oohhhhhhhh!! Oh, no! [ moaning .]
Yeaaaaaaah!!!!! Bad dick! Bad penis! Fuckin, stupid gay dick! He's a dude! Okay, you can put your pants back on CFO: Well guys it's time to get the results of your medical tests I'm sure there is no problem Dude I'm not worried at all We're totally healthy Because we drank that bleach right guys? Yes, the result of every test will be positive Well that's great to hear, guys Oh! Here comes the doctor so I have your results Pickles, you're dying Gentlemen, we have a major crisis on our hands lt appears Dethklok's drummer, Pickles, is dying from a rare illness And unfortunately, we don't have the ability to cure him Pickles dying is potentially a seismic event in the Dethklok world I agree, General Crozier lt could have a significant economic and sociologic impact so here to explain more is specialist on celebrity death, Dr Ninmiltrid Fmiltindryden Gentlemen, Pickles is not dead yet But when he does die, we have taken the precaution of making a prerecorded postcelebrity death video to control rioting throughout the world NARRATOR: He was known to the world as Pickles the Drummer His thunderous and punishing drum beats broughtjoy to millions most people knew Pickles as the most famous drummer alive, but few knew the warm and gentle side But at some point, every party has to end Now he's rocking the afterlife afterparty, doing double-kicks and blast beats with God We'll see you soon, Pickles Rock on forever I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'm dying You know? Ham hamburger time Pickles this is very difficult to do, but we have to start getting your affairs in order Alright, uh, let's go over the coffin You wanted a mahogany lid with a birch shell? Yeah Uh, mini bar inside? Yeah Gaspowered with a throttle so you can let me see what you wrote here, "ride to hell in style"? You still want all of this? Yeah Pickles, that sounds like a really cool coffin I'd likes to haves a coffins likes that too I want a coffin like that too Can I makes a suggestions? That yous has a quarterinch outs and xlr outs 'cause you can never know if it needs both sometimes I just think it would be cool if we had this that sounds like a really cool Pickles, that sounds like a really cool coffin Hey Pickles I got a great idea Why don't you pick your own replacement in the band? Too early? I just wish I had more time Can someone get some sandwiches or something? Hey, I just want to say something right now, uh, about how this is all affecting me Ummm, life is short And I realize that now so, I'm going to go to the dentist and take care of myself so I can live longer Hey, well alright A little piece of advice here, do not let them give you gas, those weird suicidal motherfuckers, 'cause they'll start fuckin' with you They gas you and then they take your ding dong out and start playing with it Then they fuckin' commit suicide and then you die with your dick hanging out ls that what you want?! Guys listen! I'm dying, alright? And I don't have the time to do the things that I love doing anymore like taking drugs! lf I could leave you with any wisdom it'd be black out more during the times that you are alive, so that you don't remember the life that you have There [ glass shatters .]
whoaaa Well there's that but, uh, guys, I got to direct this back to me for a second, okay? Whoopee! A doctor jacked me off in his face and the more I think about it, the less okay I am with it You know what I'm saying? Whoaaaa I got to go make this right I got to go make this right! Hey, make things right with this doctor Chill out, read magazines Make everything, just got to make it right Got to make it right He's a doctor What am I worried about? Oh try not to think about a guy touching your dick Just try not to think about a guy touching your dick Just pretend it's a chick Yeah Stupid dick Stupid gay dick I'm gay I'm gay Ahh Here comes the gas You know the gas takes all the pain away Gas takes pain away Gas takes pain away Uhhh Oh nurse, I won't be uh, making my appointments tomorrow lt's uh, well it's all in this note lt explains everything This, this long note Well, ready for gas, Mr Explosion? Uhhh Alright Gas Gas means that your wiener's played with by a suicidal weirdo Gas means you're gay Dude! Who cares if he plays with your dick? You'll totally be out Take the gas! No gas! Take the gas! No gas! Take the gas! No gas! Take the gas! Here comes the gas Uh, actually you know, uh, I'm probably not gonna do it, you know? I think it's best if I stay alert You know, keep an eye on you Make sure you don't do anything, uh, drastic [ pencil scribbling .]
Hey, hey uh doc? Excuse me? I got to be honest with ya I've been uh, I've been feeling kind of weird since that day I came in your face Oh I'm sorry There must be a terrible misunderstanding You know I think you jacked me off on purpose Why on earth would I do something like that? After all I'm a married man Oh, uh, ew, wait a minute I'm having a gay crisis and you're just sitting you're you're flirting with me! You're flirting with me! That means that you're a gay doctor! That means I'm not gay! You're gay! You're gay! Alright you sick piece of shit! Oh glory! Alright man! Okay lf you're sure no gas, let's get started Go ahead and uh, you know bring it on [ drill whirring .]
I do not like that sound Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!! Whoaaaa! [ phone rings .]
[ ring! .]
Whooopeee! [ ring! .]
Weeeee!!! Oooohhh!! Pickles? Yeeeahhh! Pickles? Pickles? Pickles? Ohhhhhh Pickles, I've got some very important news for you and l Yay! Pickles I'd like you to return to Mordhaus as soon as possible I've got some very important news for you That's all Alright guys we just got some tests back from the lab and uh, Pickles, you're not dying Oh I'm not dying? There's something wrong with your urine What happened? Uh oh! I switched my pee with Murderface! That's not my pee I switched with skwisgaar! lt's not me I switched mine with Nathan! Well it's not me I switched mine with Toki! I switched my pee with my cat's pees, and he's right oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! He's dead! Ah! Oh no!! The cat is the bestest friend I ever had! Ahh [ cat purring .]
Goodbyes my sweet little friends You will be missed I loves you so I loves the way your furs felt on my face You made me happy Let's go [ techno music .]
You brought some love in my life You know you made me feel fine made me feel fine I dig your kitty design You know you kept me in line And then you left us behind Now I'm alive You know it never was me because I poisoned my pee And now I'm finally free And now I've got so much time so I can drink and get high No more hamburger time No more hamburger time And I got anesthetized And my dentist friend is fine We hang out, he wants to live Not commit no hamburger time No, no I jacked off on a doctor's face I jacked off on a doctor's face He jacked off on a doctor's face He jacked off on a doctor's face I jacked off on a doctor's face I jacked off on a doctor's face He jacks off, he jacks off He jacks off, oh yeah it's one of the coolest hunting trips I've ever been on Yeah, I'm really glad we've become pals, Mr Explosion