Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e03 Episode Script
The Money Programme
GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO THE MONEY PROGRAMME.
TONIGHT ON THE MONEY PROGRAMME, WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT MONEY LOTS OF IT, ON FILM AND IN THE STUDIO SOME OF IT IN NICE PILES OTHERS IN LOVELY CLANKY BITS OF LOOSE CHANGE SOME OF IT NEATLY COUNTED INTO FAT LITTLE HUNDREDS DELICATE FIVERS STUFFED INTO BULGING WALLETS NICE, CRISP, CLEAN CHECKS PERT PIECES OF COPPER COINAGE THRUST DEEP INTO TROUSER POCKETS ROMANTIC FOREIGN MONEY ROLLING AGAINST THE THIGH WITH ROUGH FAMILIARITY BEAUTIFUL WAYWARD CURLICUED BANK NOTES FILIGREE COPPER-PLATING CHEEK BY JOWL WITH TUMBLING HEXAGONAL-MILLED EDGES RUBBING GENTLY AGAINST THE TERSE LEATHER OF BEAUTIFULLY BALANCED BANK BOOKS! I'M SORRY.
BUT I LOVE MONEY ALL MONEY.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MONEY TO HANDLE, TO TOUCH THE SMELL OF THE RAIN-WASHED FLORIN THE LURE OF THE LIRA THE GLITTER AND THE GLORY OF THE GUINEA THE ROMANCE OF THE RUBLE, THE FEEL OF THE FRANC THE HEEL OF THE DEUTSCHE MARK THE COLD ANTISEPTIC STING OF THE SWISS FRANC AND THE SUNBURNED SPLENDOR OF THE AUSTRALIAN DOLLAR.
NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
I BLING A DISPATCH FLOM PRYMOUTH.
"FLOM PRYMOUTH"? FLOM SIL FLANCIS DLAKE.
ENTEL AND APPLOACH THE THLONE.
WHAT NEWS FLOM PRYMOUTH? DLAKE HAS SIGHTED THE SPANISH FREET, YOUL MAJESTY.
SO! PHIRIP'S GARREONS ALE HELE.
HOW MANY? ONE HUNDLED AND THILTY-SIX MEN OF WAL BROODY HERR.
IS DLAKE PLEPALED? HE HAS OLDELED THE WHORE FREE INTO THE BLITISH CHANNER.
SO, WE MUST TO TIRBULY.
REICESTEL! SIL WARTEL LAREIGH! GROUCESTER! WE SHARR LIDE TO GROUCESTEL! GROUCESTEL! NOT "GROUCESTER!" COME ON.
RET'S GET ONE LIGHT.
REICESTEL! THAT WAS TELLIBER.
WHAT? TELLIBER.
WHEN YOU HAVE THE RINE LING YOUR BERR.
LING MY BERR? LING, LING.
RIKE THIS.
AND CUT THE BROODY HERR.
ERIZABETH! YES? YOU SHOULD BE ON A BICYCER.
WHY?! YOU ROOK ODD RIKE THAT.
I DO NOT LOOK ODD LIKE THIS.
IT'S THAT LO THAT LOOKS ODD.
IT'S BLEEDING WEIRD HAVING HALF THE TUDOR NOBILITY LIGGING AROUND ON MOTORIZED BICYCLES! IT'S VELY SULLEARIST.
HORSE FEATHERS! LISTEN, MATE, I'M BEGINNING TO HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT YOU.
WHAT YOU MEAN? I'M TELLING YOU STRAIGHT, MATE.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE LUCHINO VISCONTI AT ALL.
OH, OF COULSE, I AM.
ME VELY IMPOLTAN ITARIAN FIRM DILECTOL.
YOU ARE A NIP.
LUBBISH! ME GENUINE WOP! HE'S BLUFFING.
OH, IS THA THE TIME? I MUST FRY.
NOT SO FAST, YAKOMOTO.
SHUT UP! ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I AM INSPECTOR LEOPARD OF SCOTLAND YARD SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR SQUAD.
LEOPARD OF THE YARD?! THE SAME, ONLY MORE VIOLENT.
RIGHT, SLIT-EYES YAKOMOTO, I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR THE IMPERSONATION OF SIGNOR LUCHINO VISCONTI FAMOUS ITALIAN DIRECTOR OF SUCH MOVIE CLASSICS AS OBSESSIONE, 1942 LA TERRA TREMA, 1948 AND BELLISSIMA, 1951 A SATISFYINGLY IRONIC SLICE-OF-LIFE DRAMA.
1957 BROUGH TO THE SILVER SCREEN HIS I BIANCHE NOTTE, ADAPTED BY DOSTOYEVSKY A MANNERED AND ROMANTIC MELANCHOLY OF SNOW AND MISTS AND MOONLIT ENCOUNTERS ON CANAL BRIDGES.
BOCCACCIO 7O FOLLOWED FIVE YEARS LATER AND THE FOLLOWING YEAR SAW THE LEOPARD! SO IMPRESSED WAS I WITH THIS MOTION PICTURE TREATMENT OF THE RISORGIMENTO THAT I WENT ALONG TO SOMERSET HOUSE AND CHANGED ME OWN NAME TO "LEOPARD" PREFERRING IT TO ME ORIGINAL HANDLE, "PANTHER.
" I DIGRESS.
1969 SAW THE DAMNED, A GOTTERDAMMERUNG EPIC OF POLITICAL AND INDUSTRIAL SHENANIGANS IN GOOD OLD NAZI GERMANY STARRING HELMUT BERGER AS A STINKING TRANSVESTITE WHAT SHOULD HAVE HIS FACE SAWN OFF THE CURVACEOUS CHARLOTTE RAMPLING AS A BIT OF TAIL AND THE IMPECCABLE DIRK BOGARDE AS VON ESSEN.
THE ASSOCIATION OF THE LATTER WITH SIGNOR VISCONTI FRUCTIFIED WITH DIRK'S MAGNIFICENT PORTRAYAL OF THE ELDERLY POUF WHAT EXPIRES IN VENICE.
AND SO, YAKOMOTO BLIMEY! HE GONE! NEVER MIND.
I'LL HAVE YOU INSTEAD.
I HAVEN'T TIME TO GO CHASING AFTER HIM.
THERE'S VIOLENCE TO BE DONE.
OH, YES.
ALL RIGHT, BUSTER.
HANDS UP! I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler.
Gerald? Well, I'd, uh annex the Sudetenland and sign a nonaggression pact with Russia.
Norman? Well, I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand.
LIBERAL RUBBISH! KLAUS, WHAT YOU WAN WITH YOUR JUGGED FISH? HALIBUT.
THE JUGGED FISH IS HALIBUT.
WELL, WHAT FISH YOU GO THAT ISN'T JUGGED THEN? RABBIT.
WHAT? RABBIT FISH? YES.
IT'S GOT FINS.
IS IT DEAD? WELL, IT WAS COUGHING UP BLOOD LAST NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE THE DEAD UN JUGGED RABBIT FISH.
WELL, THAT WAS REALLY HORRIBLE.
OH, YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING.
WHAT'S FOR AFTERS? WELL, THERE'S RAT CAKE, RAT SORBE RAT PUDDING OR STRAWBERRY TART.
STRAWBERRY TART?! WELL, IT'S GOT SOME RAT IN IT.
HOW MUCH? THREE.
IT'S RATHER A LOT, REALLY.
WELL, I'LL HAVE A SLICE WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT.
APPALLING.
MOAN, MOAN, MOAN.
HELLO, MUM.
HELLO, DAD.
HELLO, SON.
THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING.
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT'S ITS DIOCESE? WELL, IT LOOKED A BIT BATH AND WELLSISH TO ME.
I'LL GO AND HAVE A LOOK.
I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS BRINGING THEM IN HERE.
WELL, IT'S NOT ME.
I PUT THREE OUT BY THE BIN AND THE DUSTMEN WON'T TOUCH 'EM.
LEICESTER.
HOW'D YOU KNOW? TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK.
I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE.
SHOULDN'T YOU CALL THE CHURCH? CALL THE CHURCH POLICE.
ALL RIGHT.
THE CHURCH POLICE! YES? THERE'S ANOTHER THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP SUFFRAGAN? THERE'S ANOTHER DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING.
SUFFRAGAN OR DIOCESAN? HOW SHOULD I KNOW? ITS TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF THEIR NECKS.
ERE! IS THAT RAT TART? YES.
DISGUSTING.
RIGHT! THE HUNT IS ON.
OH, LORD, WE BESEECH THEE TELL US WHO CROAKED LEICESTER.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FAIR COP BUT SOCIETY IS TO BLAME.
AGREED.
I WOULD LIKE THE THREE BY THE BIN TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION.
RIGHT.
AND NOW, I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE THIS ARRES WITH A HYMN.
OH, SHUT UP! THANK YOU.
WHAT? ERE.
OH, OOH.
OW! OH.
AH, OH OH! OH, OH, WHOA! OH.
OH! WHOA! OH.
OH-OH.
OH, OH, OH! OH! OOH! OH! WHEE-HEE-HEE! WHOA! YAHOO! YAY! WHEE! MEANWHILE, IN THE JUNGLE NEXT DOOR WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER LITTLE PLACE.
YES.
THEY'VE DONE WONDERS WITH IT.
YOU KNOW, THIS USED TO BE ONE OF THE MOST SWAMPY, DISEASE-INFESTED AREAS OF THE WHOLE JUNGLE AND THEY'VE TURNED IT INTO THIS SMASHING LITTLE RESTAURANT.
HERE YOU ARE, OMKAMI.
THANK YOU.
WELL, HELLO, MR.
AKWEKWE.
HELLO THERE, MR.
SPARE-BUTTONS- SUPPLIED-WITH-THE-SHIRT.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THESE ARE SOME OF MY FELLOW EXPLORERS.
SIR CHARLES FARQUARSON, BRIAN BAILEY, BETTY BAILEY AND THIS IS MR.
AKWEKWE WHO STARTED THE WHOLE PLACE.
IT REALLY IS SUPER.
OH, TERRIFIC IDEA.
THANK YOU ALL.
MAY I RECOMMEND THE ALLIGATOR PUREES? NOW THEN, HAVE YOU DECIDED? UH, YES.
WELL, THERE'S TWO AVOCADO VINAIGRETTE HERE AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE, BRIAN? UH, QUICHE LORRAINE FOR ME, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
SO THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE.
SO, THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE.
AND A SOUP OF THE DAY.
RIGHT.
AND TO FOLLOW? UH, TWO CHICKEN A LA REINE, PLEASE.
UH, WITH SAUCE PROVENCAL, PLEASE.
AND ONE SCAMPI DESIREE.
AND A BOEUF BOURGUIGNON WITH A GREEN SALAD.
RIGHT ON.
TWO CHICKEN, ONE SCAMPI ONE BOEUF WITH THE GREEN SALAD.
THERE MAY BE A LITTLE DELAY.
THAT'S FINE, BUT WE HAVE TO BE OUT BY 3:00.
YES, SIR.
YES.
WE'LL TRY.
WE'LL TRY.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE NEXT SCENE IS NOT CONSIDERED SUITABLE FOR FAMILY VIEWING.
IT CONTAINS SCENES OF VIOLENCE INVOLVING PEOPLE'S HEADS AND ARMS GETTING CHOPPED OFF THEIR EARS NAILED TO TREES AND THEIR TOENAILS PULLED OU IN SLOWMOTION.
THERE ARE ALSO SCENES OF NAKED WOMEN WITH FLOPPY BREASTS.
AND ALSO AT ONE POINT, YOU CAN SEE A PAIR OF BUTTOCKS AND THERE'S ANOTHER BIT WHERE I SWEAR YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING BUT MY FRIEND SAYS IT'S JUS THE WA Y HE'S HOLDING THE SPEAR.
BECAUSE OF THE UNSUITABILITY OF THE SCENE THE BBC WILL BE REPLACING I WITH A SCENE FROM A REPEA OF GARDENING CLUB FOR 1958.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
THAT WAS A NASTY BUSINESS BACK AT THE RESTAURANT.
YES.
I THOUGHT MOST PLACES TOOK BARCLAYCARD NOWADAYS.
WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY'RE TAKING US, BRIAN? GOD KNOWS.
LOOK! THE SACRED VOLCANO ANDU! WHICH NO MAN HAS SEEN BEFORE.
NO, NO, NO.
NEXT TO THAT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NEXT TO THAT.
THE FORBIDDEN PLATEAU OF ROIURAMA.
THE LOST WORLD.
THROWN UP BY MIGHTY EARTH MOVEMENTS THOUSANDS OF MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO.
WHERE STRANGE PRIMEVAL CREATURES DEFYING EVOLUTION LURK IN THE DARK, IMPENETRABLE FORESTS CUT OFF FOREVER FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
I STILL CAN'T SEE IT.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE TAKING US.
YES.
AND GOD KNOWS WHAT WE'LL FIND THERE.
WHAT PAGE, PLEASE? WHAT? WHAT PAGE IN THE SCRIPT? PAGE SEVEN.
"COME ON, YOU DOGS.
WE HAVE FAR TO GO.
WE MUST LOSE NO TIME.
" COME ON, YOU DOGS.
WE HAVE FAR TO GO.
WE MUST LOSE NO TIME.
COME ON, YOU COME ON, YOU DOGS.
WE HAVE TIME TO LOSE.
THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN LONDON AT THE BRITISH EXPLORERS CLUB IN THE MALL ANY NEWS OF BETTY BAILEY'S EXPEDITION, HARGREAVES? UH UH PAGE PAGE NINE.
OH, THANK YOU.
UH THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA.
THAT'S THAT'S MY LINE.
OH.
SORRY.
WHERE WERE THEY GOING, SIR? THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA.
YES, SIR.
WE'VE GOT A TELEGRAM.
OH.
"READS IT.
" "EXPEDITION SUPERB, WEATHER EXCELLENT.
EVERYTHING WONDERFUL.
" I WONDER WHAT'S GONE WRONG.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M GOING TO GO AFTER THEM.
OH! FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL.
MY GOD, BETTY, WE'RE DONE FOR.
WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE.
WE'RE COMPLETELY LOST.
LOST! EVEN THE NATIVES HAVE GONE.
GOOD-BYE, BETTY.
GOOD-BYE, FARQUARSON.
GOOD-BYE, BRIAN.
IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPEDITION.
GREAT EXPEDITION.
ALL THAT'LL BE LEFT OF US IS A MAP, A COMPASS AND A FEW FEET OF FILM RECORDING OUR LAST MOMENTS.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS IT? IF WE'RE ON FILM THERE MUST BE SOMEONE FILMING US.
MY GOD, BETTY! YOU'RE RIGHT! LOOK! HELLO! GREAT TO SEE YOU! SUPER TO SEE YOU.
SUPER! HOW ARE YOU, MATES? JOLLY GOOD! WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS IT AGAIN? IF THIS IS THE CREW WHO WERE FILMING US WHO'S FILMING US NOW? LOOK! CUT THERE, MAN.
CUT THERE.
NO NO GOOD.
HOW WE GOING TO GE THAT FEELING OF PERSONAL ALIENATION OF SELF FROM SOCIETY WITH THIS LOAD OF BULLDOG DRUMMOND CRAP? WHEN I WAS DOING LA NOTTE WITH THAT MONICA VITTI GAL SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME NONE OF THIS EMPIRE-BUILDING SHIT, MAN.
NOT SO FAST, AKARUMBA.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR BABOON OF SCOTLAND YARD'S SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR'S SQUAD.
JUNGLE DIVISION.
BABOON OF THE YARD! SHUT UP! RIGHT, AKARUMBA.
I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR IMPERSONATING SIGNOR MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI AN ITALIAN FILM DIRECTOR WHO CO-SCRIPTS ALL HIS OWN FILMS LARGELY JETTISONING NARRATIVE IN FAVOR OF VAGUE INCIDEN AND RELENTLESS CHARACTER STUDY.
IN HIS FIRST FILM CRONACA DI UN AMORE, 1915 THE COUPLE ARE BROUGHT TOGETHER BY A SHARED IRRATIONAL GUILT.
LE AMICHE FOLLOWED IN 1955 AND 1959 SAW THE FIRST OF ANTONIONI'S WORLD-FAMOUS TRILOGY L'A VVENTURA, AN ACUTE STUDY OF BOREDOM, RESTLESSNESS AND THE FUTILITIES AND AGONIES OF PURPOSELESS LIVING.
IN L'ECLISSE THREE YEARS LATER THIS ANALYSIS OF THE SENTIMENTS WAS TAKEN UP ONCE AGAIN.
"WE DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW EACH OTHER TO LOVE," SAYS THE HEROINE "AND PERHAPS, WE DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE.
" THE ECLIPSE OF THE EMOTIONS FINALLY CASTS ITS SHADOW WHEN DARKNESS DESCENDS SIGNOR ANTONIONI FIRST MAKES USE OF COLOR TO UNDERLINE AND NOW ON BBC 1 ANOTHER SIX MINUTES OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
YES, SIR.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE? NO.
THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.
I SEE.
DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THE FULL ARGUMEN OR WERE YOU THINKING OF TAKING A COURSE? WELL, WHAT WOULD BE THE COST? WELL, YES, IT'S FIVE IT'S ONE POUND FOR A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMEN BUT ONLY EIGHT POUNDS FOR A COURSE OF TEN.
MMM WELL, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY BES IF I START WITH THE ONE AND SEE HOW IT GOES FROM THERE, OKAY? FINE.
I'LL SEE WHO'S FREE AT THE MOMENT.
UH MR.
DU-BAKEY'S FREE BUT HE'S A LITTLE BI CONCILIATORY.
MMM.
YES, UH, TRY MR.
BARNARD ROOM 12.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?! WELL, I WAS TOLD OUTSIDE DON'T GIVE ME THA YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! WHAT? SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED, MALODOROUS PERVERT! WHAT?! I CAME IN HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT! OH! OH, I'M SORRY.
THIS IS ABUSE.
OH.
OH, I SEE.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
NO.
YOU WANT 12A NEXT DOOR.
I SEE.
SORRY.
NOT AT ALL.
YEAH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
STUPID GIT.
COME IN.
IS THIS THE RIGHT ROOM FOR AN ARGUMENT? I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YES, I HAVE.
WHEN? JUST NOW.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YES, I DID.
DIDN'T.
DID.
DIDN'T.
I'M TELLING YOU I DID.
YOU DID NOT.
I'M SORRY, IS THIS A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMEN OR THE FULL HALF HOUR? OH! OH.
JUS THE FIVE-MINUTE ONE.
FINE.
THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, I DID.
YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.
NOW, LET'S GET ONE THING QUITE CLEAR.
I MOST DEFINITELY TOLD YOU.
YOU DID NOT.
YES, I DID.
YOU DID NOT.
YES, I DID.
DIDN'T.
YES, I DID.
DIDN'T.
YES, I DID.
LOOK, THIS ISN'T AN ARGUMENT.
YES, IT IS.
NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S JUST CONTRADICTION.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
IT IS NOT.
IT IS! YOU JUST CONTRADICTED ME.
NO, I DIDN'T.
OH, YOU DID.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU DID JUST THEN.
NO, NO, NONSENSE.
OH, WELL, THIS IS FUTILE.
NO, IT ISN'T.
I CAME HERE FOR A GOOD ARGUMENT.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT.
WELL, ARGUE IS NOT THE SAME AS CONTRADICTION.
IT CAN BE.
NO, IT CAN'T.
AN ARGUMENT'S A COLLECTED SERIES OF STATEMENTS TO ESTABLISH A DEFINITE PROPOSITION.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
IT ISN'T JUST CONTRADICTION.
LOOK, IF I ARGUE WITH YOU I MUST TAKE UP A CONTRARY POSITION.
BUT IT ISN'T JUST SAYING, "NO, IT ISN'T.
" YES, IT IS.
NO, IT ISN'T.
ARGUMENT'S AN INTELLECTUAL PROCESS.
CONTRADICTION IS JUS THE AUTOMATIC GAINSAYING OF ANYTHING THE OTHER PERSON SAYS.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
NOT AT ALL.
NOW, LOOK THANK YOU.
GOOD MORNING.
WHAT? THAT'S IT.
GOOD MORNING.
BUT I WAS JUST GETTING INTERESTED.
SORRY.
THE FIVE MINUTES IS UP.
THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
AFRAID IT WAS.
NO, IT WASN'T.
SORRY, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE ANYMORE.
WHAT?! IF YOU WANT ME TO GO ON ARGUING YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES.
BUT THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
OH, COME ON! THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I TOLD YOU I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
WELL? WELL WHAT? THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY.
I JUST PAID.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
I DID.
I DID! I DID! LOOK, I DON'T WAN TO ARGUE ABOUT THAT.
WELL, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT YOU DIDN'T PAY.
AHA! WELL, IF I DIDN'T PAY, WHY ARE YOU ARGUING? GOT YOU.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YES, I HAVE.
IF YOU'RE ARGUING, I MUST'VE PAID.
NOT NECESSARILY.
I COULD BE ARGUING IN MY SPARE TIME.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
OH, SHUT UP.
I WANT TO COMPLAIN.
YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN? LOOK AT THESE SHOES.
I'VE ONLY HAD THEM THREE WEEKS AND THE HEELS ARE WORN RIGHT THROUGH.
NO, I WAN TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IF YOU COMPLAIN, NOTHING HAPPENS YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL NOT BOTHER AND MY BACK HURTS I WANT TO COM OW! NO, NO.
HOLD YOUR HEAD LIKE THIS AND THEN GO, "WAH!" TRY IT AGAIN.
WHOA! BETTER, BETTER, BUT, "WAH! WAH!" HOLD YOUR HANDS HERE.
NO.
NOW NO, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT! GOOD! STOP HITTING ME! WHAT? STOP HITTING ME.
STOP HITTING YOU? YES.
WELL, UH, WHAT DID YOU COME IN HERE FOR? I CAME HERE TO COMPLAIN.
OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S NEXT DOOR.
IT'S BEING HIT ON THE HEAD LESSONS IN HERE.
WHAT A STUPID CONCEPT.
RIGHT.
HOLD IT THERE.
WHAT? WHAT? ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR FOX OF THE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT POLICE COMEDY DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD.
FLYING FOX OF THE YARD?! SHUT UP! OH! NO, NO, NO, NO.
"WAH!" AND YOU! HE'S GOOD.
YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM HIM.
RIGHT, NOW YOU TWO, ME OLD BEAUTIES, YOU ARE NICKED.
WHAT FOR? I'M CHARGING YOU UNDER SECTION 21 OF THE STRANGE SKETCH ACT.
THE WHAT? YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED THAT YOU DID WILLFULLY TAKE PAR IN A STRANGE SKETCH.
THAT IS A SKIT, SPOOF OR HUMOROUS VIGNETTE OF AN UNCONVENTIONAL NATURE WITH INTENT TO CAUSE GRIEVOUS MENTAL CONFUSION TO THE GREA BRITISH PUBLIC.
EVENING, ALL.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
AND YOU TOSH! WAH! THAT'S EXCELLENT! RIGHT, COME ON DOWN TO THE YARD.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR THOMPSON'S GAZELLE OF THE PROGRAMME PLANNING POLICE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD.
FLYING THOMPSON'S GAZELLLE OF THE YARD? SHUT UP! AHH! HE HE'S GOOD.
SHUT UP.
WOW! ROTTEN.
AHH! GOOD.
RIGHT.
I'M ARRESTING THIS ENTIRE SHOW ONE, ACTS OF SELF- CONSCIOUS BEHAVIOR CONTRARY TO THE "NOT IN FRON OF THE CHILDREN" AC TWO, ALWAYS SAYING, "IT'S SO AND SO OF THE YARD" EVERY TIME THE FUZZ ARRIVES AND THREE AND THIS IS THE CRUNCHER OFFENSES AGAINS THE "GETTING OUT OF SKETCHES WITHOUT USING A PROPER PUNCH LINE ACT.
" NAMELY SIMPLY ENDING EVERY BLEEDING SKETCH BY JUST HAVING A POLICEMAN COME IN AND WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD IT.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
AND NOW ON BBC 1 ONE MORE MINUTE OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
TONIGHT ON THE MONEY PROGRAMME, WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT MONEY LOTS OF IT, ON FILM AND IN THE STUDIO SOME OF IT IN NICE PILES OTHERS IN LOVELY CLANKY BITS OF LOOSE CHANGE SOME OF IT NEATLY COUNTED INTO FAT LITTLE HUNDREDS DELICATE FIVERS STUFFED INTO BULGING WALLETS NICE, CRISP, CLEAN CHECKS PERT PIECES OF COPPER COINAGE THRUST DEEP INTO TROUSER POCKETS ROMANTIC FOREIGN MONEY ROLLING AGAINST THE THIGH WITH ROUGH FAMILIARITY BEAUTIFUL WAYWARD CURLICUED BANK NOTES FILIGREE COPPER-PLATING CHEEK BY JOWL WITH TUMBLING HEXAGONAL-MILLED EDGES RUBBING GENTLY AGAINST THE TERSE LEATHER OF BEAUTIFULLY BALANCED BANK BOOKS! I'M SORRY.
BUT I LOVE MONEY ALL MONEY.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MONEY TO HANDLE, TO TOUCH THE SMELL OF THE RAIN-WASHED FLORIN THE LURE OF THE LIRA THE GLITTER AND THE GLORY OF THE GUINEA THE ROMANCE OF THE RUBLE, THE FEEL OF THE FRANC THE HEEL OF THE DEUTSCHE MARK THE COLD ANTISEPTIC STING OF THE SWISS FRANC AND THE SUNBURNED SPLENDOR OF THE AUSTRALIAN DOLLAR.
NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
I BLING A DISPATCH FLOM PRYMOUTH.
"FLOM PRYMOUTH"? FLOM SIL FLANCIS DLAKE.
ENTEL AND APPLOACH THE THLONE.
WHAT NEWS FLOM PRYMOUTH? DLAKE HAS SIGHTED THE SPANISH FREET, YOUL MAJESTY.
SO! PHIRIP'S GARREONS ALE HELE.
HOW MANY? ONE HUNDLED AND THILTY-SIX MEN OF WAL BROODY HERR.
IS DLAKE PLEPALED? HE HAS OLDELED THE WHORE FREE INTO THE BLITISH CHANNER.
SO, WE MUST TO TIRBULY.
REICESTEL! SIL WARTEL LAREIGH! GROUCESTER! WE SHARR LIDE TO GROUCESTEL! GROUCESTEL! NOT "GROUCESTER!" COME ON.
RET'S GET ONE LIGHT.
REICESTEL! THAT WAS TELLIBER.
WHAT? TELLIBER.
WHEN YOU HAVE THE RINE LING YOUR BERR.
LING MY BERR? LING, LING.
RIKE THIS.
AND CUT THE BROODY HERR.
ERIZABETH! YES? YOU SHOULD BE ON A BICYCER.
WHY?! YOU ROOK ODD RIKE THAT.
I DO NOT LOOK ODD LIKE THIS.
IT'S THAT LO THAT LOOKS ODD.
IT'S BLEEDING WEIRD HAVING HALF THE TUDOR NOBILITY LIGGING AROUND ON MOTORIZED BICYCLES! IT'S VELY SULLEARIST.
HORSE FEATHERS! LISTEN, MATE, I'M BEGINNING TO HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT YOU.
WHAT YOU MEAN? I'M TELLING YOU STRAIGHT, MATE.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE LUCHINO VISCONTI AT ALL.
OH, OF COULSE, I AM.
ME VELY IMPOLTAN ITARIAN FIRM DILECTOL.
YOU ARE A NIP.
LUBBISH! ME GENUINE WOP! HE'S BLUFFING.
OH, IS THA THE TIME? I MUST FRY.
NOT SO FAST, YAKOMOTO.
SHUT UP! ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I AM INSPECTOR LEOPARD OF SCOTLAND YARD SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR SQUAD.
LEOPARD OF THE YARD?! THE SAME, ONLY MORE VIOLENT.
RIGHT, SLIT-EYES YAKOMOTO, I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR THE IMPERSONATION OF SIGNOR LUCHINO VISCONTI FAMOUS ITALIAN DIRECTOR OF SUCH MOVIE CLASSICS AS OBSESSIONE, 1942 LA TERRA TREMA, 1948 AND BELLISSIMA, 1951 A SATISFYINGLY IRONIC SLICE-OF-LIFE DRAMA.
1957 BROUGH TO THE SILVER SCREEN HIS I BIANCHE NOTTE, ADAPTED BY DOSTOYEVSKY A MANNERED AND ROMANTIC MELANCHOLY OF SNOW AND MISTS AND MOONLIT ENCOUNTERS ON CANAL BRIDGES.
BOCCACCIO 7O FOLLOWED FIVE YEARS LATER AND THE FOLLOWING YEAR SAW THE LEOPARD! SO IMPRESSED WAS I WITH THIS MOTION PICTURE TREATMENT OF THE RISORGIMENTO THAT I WENT ALONG TO SOMERSET HOUSE AND CHANGED ME OWN NAME TO "LEOPARD" PREFERRING IT TO ME ORIGINAL HANDLE, "PANTHER.
" I DIGRESS.
1969 SAW THE DAMNED, A GOTTERDAMMERUNG EPIC OF POLITICAL AND INDUSTRIAL SHENANIGANS IN GOOD OLD NAZI GERMANY STARRING HELMUT BERGER AS A STINKING TRANSVESTITE WHAT SHOULD HAVE HIS FACE SAWN OFF THE CURVACEOUS CHARLOTTE RAMPLING AS A BIT OF TAIL AND THE IMPECCABLE DIRK BOGARDE AS VON ESSEN.
THE ASSOCIATION OF THE LATTER WITH SIGNOR VISCONTI FRUCTIFIED WITH DIRK'S MAGNIFICENT PORTRAYAL OF THE ELDERLY POUF WHAT EXPIRES IN VENICE.
AND SO, YAKOMOTO BLIMEY! HE GONE! NEVER MIND.
I'LL HAVE YOU INSTEAD.
I HAVEN'T TIME TO GO CHASING AFTER HIM.
THERE'S VIOLENCE TO BE DONE.
OH, YES.
ALL RIGHT, BUSTER.
HANDS UP! I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler.
Gerald? Well, I'd, uh annex the Sudetenland and sign a nonaggression pact with Russia.
Norman? Well, I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand.
LIBERAL RUBBISH! KLAUS, WHAT YOU WAN WITH YOUR JUGGED FISH? HALIBUT.
THE JUGGED FISH IS HALIBUT.
WELL, WHAT FISH YOU GO THAT ISN'T JUGGED THEN? RABBIT.
WHAT? RABBIT FISH? YES.
IT'S GOT FINS.
IS IT DEAD? WELL, IT WAS COUGHING UP BLOOD LAST NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE THE DEAD UN JUGGED RABBIT FISH.
WELL, THAT WAS REALLY HORRIBLE.
OH, YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING.
WHAT'S FOR AFTERS? WELL, THERE'S RAT CAKE, RAT SORBE RAT PUDDING OR STRAWBERRY TART.
STRAWBERRY TART?! WELL, IT'S GOT SOME RAT IN IT.
HOW MUCH? THREE.
IT'S RATHER A LOT, REALLY.
WELL, I'LL HAVE A SLICE WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT.
APPALLING.
MOAN, MOAN, MOAN.
HELLO, MUM.
HELLO, DAD.
HELLO, SON.
THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING.
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT'S ITS DIOCESE? WELL, IT LOOKED A BIT BATH AND WELLSISH TO ME.
I'LL GO AND HAVE A LOOK.
I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS BRINGING THEM IN HERE.
WELL, IT'S NOT ME.
I PUT THREE OUT BY THE BIN AND THE DUSTMEN WON'T TOUCH 'EM.
LEICESTER.
HOW'D YOU KNOW? TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK.
I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE.
SHOULDN'T YOU CALL THE CHURCH? CALL THE CHURCH POLICE.
ALL RIGHT.
THE CHURCH POLICE! YES? THERE'S ANOTHER THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP SUFFRAGAN? THERE'S ANOTHER DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING.
SUFFRAGAN OR DIOCESAN? HOW SHOULD I KNOW? ITS TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF THEIR NECKS.
ERE! IS THAT RAT TART? YES.
DISGUSTING.
RIGHT! THE HUNT IS ON.
OH, LORD, WE BESEECH THEE TELL US WHO CROAKED LEICESTER.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FAIR COP BUT SOCIETY IS TO BLAME.
AGREED.
I WOULD LIKE THE THREE BY THE BIN TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION.
RIGHT.
AND NOW, I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE THIS ARRES WITH A HYMN.
OH, SHUT UP! THANK YOU.
WHAT? ERE.
OH, OOH.
OW! OH.
AH, OH OH! OH, OH, WHOA! OH.
OH! WHOA! OH.
OH-OH.
OH, OH, OH! OH! OOH! OH! WHEE-HEE-HEE! WHOA! YAHOO! YAY! WHEE! MEANWHILE, IN THE JUNGLE NEXT DOOR WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER LITTLE PLACE.
YES.
THEY'VE DONE WONDERS WITH IT.
YOU KNOW, THIS USED TO BE ONE OF THE MOST SWAMPY, DISEASE-INFESTED AREAS OF THE WHOLE JUNGLE AND THEY'VE TURNED IT INTO THIS SMASHING LITTLE RESTAURANT.
HERE YOU ARE, OMKAMI.
THANK YOU.
WELL, HELLO, MR.
AKWEKWE.
HELLO THERE, MR.
SPARE-BUTTONS- SUPPLIED-WITH-THE-SHIRT.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THESE ARE SOME OF MY FELLOW EXPLORERS.
SIR CHARLES FARQUARSON, BRIAN BAILEY, BETTY BAILEY AND THIS IS MR.
AKWEKWE WHO STARTED THE WHOLE PLACE.
IT REALLY IS SUPER.
OH, TERRIFIC IDEA.
THANK YOU ALL.
MAY I RECOMMEND THE ALLIGATOR PUREES? NOW THEN, HAVE YOU DECIDED? UH, YES.
WELL, THERE'S TWO AVOCADO VINAIGRETTE HERE AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE, BRIAN? UH, QUICHE LORRAINE FOR ME, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
SO THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE.
SO, THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE.
AND A SOUP OF THE DAY.
RIGHT.
AND TO FOLLOW? UH, TWO CHICKEN A LA REINE, PLEASE.
UH, WITH SAUCE PROVENCAL, PLEASE.
AND ONE SCAMPI DESIREE.
AND A BOEUF BOURGUIGNON WITH A GREEN SALAD.
RIGHT ON.
TWO CHICKEN, ONE SCAMPI ONE BOEUF WITH THE GREEN SALAD.
THERE MAY BE A LITTLE DELAY.
THAT'S FINE, BUT WE HAVE TO BE OUT BY 3:00.
YES, SIR.
YES.
WE'LL TRY.
WE'LL TRY.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE NEXT SCENE IS NOT CONSIDERED SUITABLE FOR FAMILY VIEWING.
IT CONTAINS SCENES OF VIOLENCE INVOLVING PEOPLE'S HEADS AND ARMS GETTING CHOPPED OFF THEIR EARS NAILED TO TREES AND THEIR TOENAILS PULLED OU IN SLOWMOTION.
THERE ARE ALSO SCENES OF NAKED WOMEN WITH FLOPPY BREASTS.
AND ALSO AT ONE POINT, YOU CAN SEE A PAIR OF BUTTOCKS AND THERE'S ANOTHER BIT WHERE I SWEAR YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING BUT MY FRIEND SAYS IT'S JUS THE WA Y HE'S HOLDING THE SPEAR.
BECAUSE OF THE UNSUITABILITY OF THE SCENE THE BBC WILL BE REPLACING I WITH A SCENE FROM A REPEA OF GARDENING CLUB FOR 1958.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
THAT WAS A NASTY BUSINESS BACK AT THE RESTAURANT.
YES.
I THOUGHT MOST PLACES TOOK BARCLAYCARD NOWADAYS.
WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY'RE TAKING US, BRIAN? GOD KNOWS.
LOOK! THE SACRED VOLCANO ANDU! WHICH NO MAN HAS SEEN BEFORE.
NO, NO, NO.
NEXT TO THAT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NEXT TO THAT.
THE FORBIDDEN PLATEAU OF ROIURAMA.
THE LOST WORLD.
THROWN UP BY MIGHTY EARTH MOVEMENTS THOUSANDS OF MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO.
WHERE STRANGE PRIMEVAL CREATURES DEFYING EVOLUTION LURK IN THE DARK, IMPENETRABLE FORESTS CUT OFF FOREVER FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
I STILL CAN'T SEE IT.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE TAKING US.
YES.
AND GOD KNOWS WHAT WE'LL FIND THERE.
WHAT PAGE, PLEASE? WHAT? WHAT PAGE IN THE SCRIPT? PAGE SEVEN.
"COME ON, YOU DOGS.
WE HAVE FAR TO GO.
WE MUST LOSE NO TIME.
" COME ON, YOU DOGS.
WE HAVE FAR TO GO.
WE MUST LOSE NO TIME.
COME ON, YOU COME ON, YOU DOGS.
WE HAVE TIME TO LOSE.
THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN LONDON AT THE BRITISH EXPLORERS CLUB IN THE MALL ANY NEWS OF BETTY BAILEY'S EXPEDITION, HARGREAVES? UH UH PAGE PAGE NINE.
OH, THANK YOU.
UH THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA.
THAT'S THAT'S MY LINE.
OH.
SORRY.
WHERE WERE THEY GOING, SIR? THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA.
YES, SIR.
WE'VE GOT A TELEGRAM.
OH.
"READS IT.
" "EXPEDITION SUPERB, WEATHER EXCELLENT.
EVERYTHING WONDERFUL.
" I WONDER WHAT'S GONE WRONG.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M GOING TO GO AFTER THEM.
OH! FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL.
MY GOD, BETTY, WE'RE DONE FOR.
WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE.
WE'RE COMPLETELY LOST.
LOST! EVEN THE NATIVES HAVE GONE.
GOOD-BYE, BETTY.
GOOD-BYE, FARQUARSON.
GOOD-BYE, BRIAN.
IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPEDITION.
GREAT EXPEDITION.
ALL THAT'LL BE LEFT OF US IS A MAP, A COMPASS AND A FEW FEET OF FILM RECORDING OUR LAST MOMENTS.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS IT? IF WE'RE ON FILM THERE MUST BE SOMEONE FILMING US.
MY GOD, BETTY! YOU'RE RIGHT! LOOK! HELLO! GREAT TO SEE YOU! SUPER TO SEE YOU.
SUPER! HOW ARE YOU, MATES? JOLLY GOOD! WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS IT AGAIN? IF THIS IS THE CREW WHO WERE FILMING US WHO'S FILMING US NOW? LOOK! CUT THERE, MAN.
CUT THERE.
NO NO GOOD.
HOW WE GOING TO GE THAT FEELING OF PERSONAL ALIENATION OF SELF FROM SOCIETY WITH THIS LOAD OF BULLDOG DRUMMOND CRAP? WHEN I WAS DOING LA NOTTE WITH THAT MONICA VITTI GAL SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME NONE OF THIS EMPIRE-BUILDING SHIT, MAN.
NOT SO FAST, AKARUMBA.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR BABOON OF SCOTLAND YARD'S SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR'S SQUAD.
JUNGLE DIVISION.
BABOON OF THE YARD! SHUT UP! RIGHT, AKARUMBA.
I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR IMPERSONATING SIGNOR MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI AN ITALIAN FILM DIRECTOR WHO CO-SCRIPTS ALL HIS OWN FILMS LARGELY JETTISONING NARRATIVE IN FAVOR OF VAGUE INCIDEN AND RELENTLESS CHARACTER STUDY.
IN HIS FIRST FILM CRONACA DI UN AMORE, 1915 THE COUPLE ARE BROUGHT TOGETHER BY A SHARED IRRATIONAL GUILT.
LE AMICHE FOLLOWED IN 1955 AND 1959 SAW THE FIRST OF ANTONIONI'S WORLD-FAMOUS TRILOGY L'A VVENTURA, AN ACUTE STUDY OF BOREDOM, RESTLESSNESS AND THE FUTILITIES AND AGONIES OF PURPOSELESS LIVING.
IN L'ECLISSE THREE YEARS LATER THIS ANALYSIS OF THE SENTIMENTS WAS TAKEN UP ONCE AGAIN.
"WE DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW EACH OTHER TO LOVE," SAYS THE HEROINE "AND PERHAPS, WE DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE.
" THE ECLIPSE OF THE EMOTIONS FINALLY CASTS ITS SHADOW WHEN DARKNESS DESCENDS SIGNOR ANTONIONI FIRST MAKES USE OF COLOR TO UNDERLINE AND NOW ON BBC 1 ANOTHER SIX MINUTES OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
YES, SIR.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE? NO.
THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.
I SEE.
DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THE FULL ARGUMEN OR WERE YOU THINKING OF TAKING A COURSE? WELL, WHAT WOULD BE THE COST? WELL, YES, IT'S FIVE IT'S ONE POUND FOR A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMEN BUT ONLY EIGHT POUNDS FOR A COURSE OF TEN.
MMM WELL, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY BES IF I START WITH THE ONE AND SEE HOW IT GOES FROM THERE, OKAY? FINE.
I'LL SEE WHO'S FREE AT THE MOMENT.
UH MR.
DU-BAKEY'S FREE BUT HE'S A LITTLE BI CONCILIATORY.
MMM.
YES, UH, TRY MR.
BARNARD ROOM 12.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?! WELL, I WAS TOLD OUTSIDE DON'T GIVE ME THA YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! WHAT? SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED, MALODOROUS PERVERT! WHAT?! I CAME IN HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT! OH! OH, I'M SORRY.
THIS IS ABUSE.
OH.
OH, I SEE.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
NO.
YOU WANT 12A NEXT DOOR.
I SEE.
SORRY.
NOT AT ALL.
YEAH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
STUPID GIT.
COME IN.
IS THIS THE RIGHT ROOM FOR AN ARGUMENT? I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YES, I HAVE.
WHEN? JUST NOW.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YES, I DID.
DIDN'T.
DID.
DIDN'T.
I'M TELLING YOU I DID.
YOU DID NOT.
I'M SORRY, IS THIS A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMEN OR THE FULL HALF HOUR? OH! OH.
JUS THE FIVE-MINUTE ONE.
FINE.
THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, I DID.
YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.
NOW, LET'S GET ONE THING QUITE CLEAR.
I MOST DEFINITELY TOLD YOU.
YOU DID NOT.
YES, I DID.
YOU DID NOT.
YES, I DID.
DIDN'T.
YES, I DID.
DIDN'T.
YES, I DID.
LOOK, THIS ISN'T AN ARGUMENT.
YES, IT IS.
NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S JUST CONTRADICTION.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
IT IS NOT.
IT IS! YOU JUST CONTRADICTED ME.
NO, I DIDN'T.
OH, YOU DID.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU DID JUST THEN.
NO, NO, NONSENSE.
OH, WELL, THIS IS FUTILE.
NO, IT ISN'T.
I CAME HERE FOR A GOOD ARGUMENT.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT.
WELL, ARGUE IS NOT THE SAME AS CONTRADICTION.
IT CAN BE.
NO, IT CAN'T.
AN ARGUMENT'S A COLLECTED SERIES OF STATEMENTS TO ESTABLISH A DEFINITE PROPOSITION.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
IT ISN'T JUST CONTRADICTION.
LOOK, IF I ARGUE WITH YOU I MUST TAKE UP A CONTRARY POSITION.
BUT IT ISN'T JUST SAYING, "NO, IT ISN'T.
" YES, IT IS.
NO, IT ISN'T.
ARGUMENT'S AN INTELLECTUAL PROCESS.
CONTRADICTION IS JUS THE AUTOMATIC GAINSAYING OF ANYTHING THE OTHER PERSON SAYS.
NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS.
NOT AT ALL.
NOW, LOOK THANK YOU.
GOOD MORNING.
WHAT? THAT'S IT.
GOOD MORNING.
BUT I WAS JUST GETTING INTERESTED.
SORRY.
THE FIVE MINUTES IS UP.
THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
AFRAID IT WAS.
NO, IT WASN'T.
SORRY, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE ANYMORE.
WHAT?! IF YOU WANT ME TO GO ON ARGUING YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES.
BUT THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
OH, COME ON! THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I TOLD YOU I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
WELL? WELL WHAT? THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY.
I JUST PAID.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
I DID.
I DID! I DID! LOOK, I DON'T WAN TO ARGUE ABOUT THAT.
WELL, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT YOU DIDN'T PAY.
AHA! WELL, IF I DIDN'T PAY, WHY ARE YOU ARGUING? GOT YOU.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YES, I HAVE.
IF YOU'RE ARGUING, I MUST'VE PAID.
NOT NECESSARILY.
I COULD BE ARGUING IN MY SPARE TIME.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
OH, SHUT UP.
I WANT TO COMPLAIN.
YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN? LOOK AT THESE SHOES.
I'VE ONLY HAD THEM THREE WEEKS AND THE HEELS ARE WORN RIGHT THROUGH.
NO, I WAN TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IF YOU COMPLAIN, NOTHING HAPPENS YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL NOT BOTHER AND MY BACK HURTS I WANT TO COM OW! NO, NO.
HOLD YOUR HEAD LIKE THIS AND THEN GO, "WAH!" TRY IT AGAIN.
WHOA! BETTER, BETTER, BUT, "WAH! WAH!" HOLD YOUR HANDS HERE.
NO.
NOW NO, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT! GOOD! STOP HITTING ME! WHAT? STOP HITTING ME.
STOP HITTING YOU? YES.
WELL, UH, WHAT DID YOU COME IN HERE FOR? I CAME HERE TO COMPLAIN.
OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S NEXT DOOR.
IT'S BEING HIT ON THE HEAD LESSONS IN HERE.
WHAT A STUPID CONCEPT.
RIGHT.
HOLD IT THERE.
WHAT? WHAT? ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR FOX OF THE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT POLICE COMEDY DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD.
FLYING FOX OF THE YARD?! SHUT UP! OH! NO, NO, NO, NO.
"WAH!" AND YOU! HE'S GOOD.
YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM HIM.
RIGHT, NOW YOU TWO, ME OLD BEAUTIES, YOU ARE NICKED.
WHAT FOR? I'M CHARGING YOU UNDER SECTION 21 OF THE STRANGE SKETCH ACT.
THE WHAT? YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED THAT YOU DID WILLFULLY TAKE PAR IN A STRANGE SKETCH.
THAT IS A SKIT, SPOOF OR HUMOROUS VIGNETTE OF AN UNCONVENTIONAL NATURE WITH INTENT TO CAUSE GRIEVOUS MENTAL CONFUSION TO THE GREA BRITISH PUBLIC.
EVENING, ALL.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
AND YOU TOSH! WAH! THAT'S EXCELLENT! RIGHT, COME ON DOWN TO THE YARD.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR THOMPSON'S GAZELLE OF THE PROGRAMME PLANNING POLICE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD.
FLYING THOMPSON'S GAZELLLE OF THE YARD? SHUT UP! AHH! HE HE'S GOOD.
SHUT UP.
WOW! ROTTEN.
AHH! GOOD.
RIGHT.
I'M ARRESTING THIS ENTIRE SHOW ONE, ACTS OF SELF- CONSCIOUS BEHAVIOR CONTRARY TO THE "NOT IN FRON OF THE CHILDREN" AC TWO, ALWAYS SAYING, "IT'S SO AND SO OF THE YARD" EVERY TIME THE FUZZ ARRIVES AND THREE AND THIS IS THE CRUNCHER OFFENSES AGAINS THE "GETTING OUT OF SKETCHES WITHOUT USING A PROPER PUNCH LINE ACT.
" NAMELY SIMPLY ENDING EVERY BLEEDING SKETCH BY JUST HAVING A POLICEMAN COME IN AND WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD IT.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
AND NOW ON BBC 1 ONE MORE MINUTE OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.