Murder Most Horrid (1991) s03e03 Episode Script

Murder Most Horrid Dying Live People of Panador, the eyes of the world are upon us.
In two days' time, in front of an international television audience of millions, we the People's Republic of Panador shall present to the world a popular and charismatic rebel leader, who has captured the imaginations of men and women women everhere and we shall execute him.
So, let us try and make a good impression.
It's going to be bigger than OJ.
We're talking a worldwide audience in hundreds of millions.
We are talking video sales through the ceiling.
We are talking movie rights.
Mr Maddox and I are very excited.
I'm excited too, plenty.
-We too are excited.
It's our chance to show the world we are not just barbarians.
You will be executing this man live on air, General? Sure, but only at the end.
-Quite.
-Is it a bit of a human interest.
And we like this guy, a lot.
He's sexy, he gives great sound bites, he's been on every chat show worldwide, damning your regime.
Now a lot of people would like to tune in to see this guy croak.
Nice choice guys.
You've finall found someone we all like.
However, on a slightl less pleasant note, I believe you've had some difficulty in securing an executioner? He didn't know that.
-Yvonne! Well we're going to have to get out skates on, aren't we? I'm presenting this show.
I need someone I can banter with.
I need rapport.
-You must understand, there is still some support for this rebel scum in our country.
I know, he tested ver well in our focus groups.
So there is concern about becoming known as the man who put him to death.
We have arranged that Paul to bring us someone from abroad.
Benjamin Trethansis he's a good man.
Pity, we would have preferred a woman.
A woman? A woman executioner? Oh, that's great.
I like it.
It's sexy.
Although I don't think we should have anyone too attractive, do you? Mr Hoffmeyer, where would we find a woman executioner? Daisy! What is it? I'm in the middle of a cow! Franklin wants to see you.
-Oh, can't it wait? I've lost my watch in this one.
-Sorry.
Mr Franklin, Bill said -Oh Daisy, Daisy, come in, sit down.
Cheers, thanks a lot.
So Daisy, how's life in my slaughter house? Oh we've got rid of most of it, thanks.
I believe you're off on holiday tomorrow, right? Yeah I am, yeah, South America, couple of weeks.
But don't worry, I'll be back.
Daisy, may I ask you a personal question? Yeah.
-Why does someone like you want to work in a place like this? Aah well, err, well I love working with animals.
-So I've heard.
The other reason why I like it, well I love sausages, you know.
I've always wanted to work where sausages come from.
The reason I ask Daisy is that you do seem to have a how can I put this? A lower than average kill rate.
Right yeah well, I am a bit clumsy with the machiner, yeah.
You're just too sentimental about the animals.
I mean, it's not helping anyone to keep sending the cute ones to the back of the line.
And I've been looking through the records.
In the last fortnight, you have successfull slaughtered exactly no animals at all.
Well I'm sorry.
You're letting me go, aren't ya? I'm very fond of you, you know I am but I think you should be spending this holiday working out what you reall want to do.
Have the others been complaining about me then? They didn't need to.
I run this slaughter house, Daisy, I try and keep my finger on the pulse and I get ver upset whenever I find one.
I'm sorry.
Oh sweetheart.
It'll be quick, ok, it'll be quick.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, we are currentl travelling at a speed of 500 miles per hour.
Those of you on the left hand side of the aircraft will see the South American coastline.
We should be landing in Panador in two hours That's um, sorry that's probabl one of mine, that is.
I'm sorry? -No sorry just saying, that's probably one of mine.
Oh I see, you're the cook.
-No, no mate, no.
I work at the slaughter house.
It's just a lot of our stuff ends up on the airlines, that's all.
-Oh I see.
Isn't that nice.
-Yeah So what dya think then? Go on, be honest.
Well it's ver nice.
-Is it? Is it really? -Mmm it's fine, yeah.
Perhaps a little tough.
-You're telling me.
Something wrong? -No no no.
I'm sorry it's just a little difficult, what with you being Oh no, you don't need to worr about that.
They're ver humanel killed, they are.
Oh I'm sure, yes -Yeah they don't feel a thing.
It's very quick, ver humane.
-Oh I do understand but Well perhaps I could help you.
Right for instance, that piece there comes from the Please, I've just lost my appetite, it's not a problem.
Oh well sorry.
I know a lot of people have a problem coping with what I do for a living.
It's just the way it is.
I have to deal with a lot of prejudice.
I have just lost my job if it's any comfort.
Please I, I don't mean to offend.
Yeah well.
As a matter of fact, I um I happen to be in the same business myself, so to speak.
No, are you reall? -Afraid so.
God, that's a coincidence, isn't it.
I mean what with us sitting next to each other on the plane and everthing.
Absolutely.
-Oh well how comes you're so queasy about the meat then? Well sometimes I just don't like to think too much about my business, you know.
No, no I know what you mean, yeah.
Well look um, Daisy right.
Daisy Talwinning.
-Benjamin Trethansis.
Aah, cheers Benjamin.
You know, I think I could manage a little more of this.
Aah, could ya? Aah.
Professional courtesy.
-Right and I'll just shut up, shall I? Yeah right.
Something wrong? You're not choking are you? God how embarrassing.
Ecuse me, excuse me, he's choking.
Do you know the Heimlich manoeuvre? I've onl ever done it on a cow! Oh my god, is there a doctor? -You alright, mate? Don't panic.
-Is there a doctor? Just breathe in, you're going to be alright, don't worry.
You're going to be alright.
Ms Talwinning? Oh Ms Talwinning you mustn't blame yourself.
You did do everthing you could.
He choked, on the meat, he chocked.
Actuall, actuall he didn't.
He didn't choke on his food.
Are you sure? -Don't tell anyone I told you this.
And god knows how it happened but apparentl he choked on a piece of wristwatch! Oh, excuse me.
Ain't you been told? Ain't you been listening to the tannoy? Don't you speak any English? It's just, I'm sorry but, he won't, he won't be coming.
He won't be coming.
'Cause he's dead.
Yeah that's right, Trethansis.
He died on the plane.
Yeah he's completel you know.
You do understand me, don't you? Trethansis choked on the plane.
Where dyou think you're going with that? No it was the food, honest.
Is something wrong? No it wasn't my fault, he choked on his food.
Oh please don't hurt me.
Please, please.
I'll come quietl.
What's happening now then? Mr Hoffmeyer.
-Can you hold, please? Don't ask me how we did it, but we found a woman executioner.
That's great, that's excellent.
Get the bitch here.
Mr Maddox, great news.
Don't ask me how I've done it but I've found a woman executioner.
Book the bitch.
I did it.
ha ha ha ha.
Welcome to Panador.
She's much more suitable for the job.
-Job? This, obviously, is General Alberto, President of Panador.
No, is it? Look well um, well Daisy Talwinning.
It is a pleasure to be working with you on this most exciting project.
Please, please sit.
Cheers, cheers yeah.
Look I think we might have our wires crossed about this because, although I am in the same line of work as Mr Trethansis -Of course you are.
And a much better choice if I may say.
-Oh thanks babe, great 'cause back in England no-one cares what I do at all.
But obviousl over here, it's much more popular my line of work, innit.
I'm Daniel Hoffmeyer, hi.
Right.
-I'll be coordinating the live broadcast.
This is Yvonne Quail.
She'll be presenting the satellite link up.
Obviousl we'll have simultaneous translation for all the non-English speaking countries.
Hi.
-Right, hi, cheers, great.
It's reall great you're showing so much interest.
This, of course, is a press pack with some clippings we've compiled.
Right.
Oh that's nice, innit.
-Can I just say, I really love your plane look.
I think we should keep that.
-Oh, right, cheers, yeah, great, thanks.
Do you mind if I ask like, exactly what kind of animal I will be dealing with? Exactly, what kinds of an animal.
-Yeah what kind? A pig.
-Oh great, pigs are my favourite.
No I'm best with pigs, that's great.
Would you mind if we got straight down to business 'cause time is short.
-Yeah, alright, yeah.
It's good here isn't it.
It's important to all of us that this matter be dealt with in a civilised, tasteful and humane manner.
Oh absolutely, I'm right with you there, yeah.
You'd be surprised how few people that matters to.
We are not barbarians.
-No right.
Civilised, tasteful and humane, yeah.
D'you know what? I'm going to like it here.
-Ecellent.
Well just a few outstanding points of protocol that you may be able to help us with.
-Yeah.
-First of all, disposal of the remains? Right well, um I was thinking how about sausages? Well I mean that is like the traditional thing, isn't it.
Well back where I come from it is anyway.
No? I mean we usuall have a big sausage barbecue after we've done the first batch.
-Yeah maybe we could have a recipe feature.
Yeah.
-I, don't think we know where you're going with this Ms Talwinning.
Right, well no.
All I'm saying is oh, oh sorry, hang on.
Um, hello there.
Is there a problem? -Um, no, no.
What is this talk of sausages? Oh that.
Oh, ha ha ha ha that's just a little joke.
Ha ha ha.
Ms Talwinning, is there a problem? No I was just That's him, yeah.
Right, right well, great.
Right well cheers, thanks a lot.
And um obviousl I'll be getting back to you with an estimate.
What is going on here? Estimates, sausages Ms Talwinning, these matters must be resolved now.
There is some urgency.
Right, yeah, fair enough, yeah, get your drift.
Well, um in that case, um, I can't do it.
What do you mean you can't do it? You are an executioner? Erm, obviousl, yes, um but I Ms Talwinning, we have less than 24 hours to go.
Are you telling me you have a problem? Well?! Panadorian rebel leader Raul Menandez said he wanted to bring the plight of his people to the attention of the world media if it was the last thing he did.
Well today he's finall made it.
Hello.
-Hello.
I'll be your executioner for today.
I see.
It's nice here, isn't it? A bit damp.
So is this like, is this your first live TV? Yes, yes it is, yes.
You um, you nervous? I'm certainl not planning on making it a career.
Look, this is not an ideal situation for you, I know that, but you play fair by me and I, I'll Gas me to death.
-Yeah.
Look, here's how it is, right.
We executioners like to regard you like, condemned prisoners as part of a big team, you know, albeit a temp admittedly.
See that bloke there, that's Dr Juarez.
It's spelt with a J but the say H here, I don't know why.
Anyway he's going to be there all the way through the execution in case anything goes wrong.
Goes wrong? Yeah.
You're killing me! -Don't say that, please Excuse me, are you alright? Oh God sorry.
I'm sorry.
What is your name? It's Daisy.
I'm really sorry about this.
Daisy, please believe me, I am very happy to die for the cause that I believe in and the country I love.
-Are you? -Yes.
Oh, God, you're so brave.
-Thank you.
I think we'd better be going.
-Yeah, alright, yeah.
I can't do it, I can't do it I can't kill you.
-Will it help if we use a blindfold? Yeah it would, thanks so much.
Oh that's brilliant, yeah.
No I think that plan is that I wear it.
Yeah course.
Course sorry, that's stupid, embarrassing.
No I'm very much afraid it's time that we were going.
Alright yeah.
Oh no I'm going again, I'm going Um, Daisy, I'll be with you ever step of the way.
Alright, you promise? -Cross my heart and hope to die.
Oh no no no, don't say that.
You know, this is the first time I've ever executed anyone.
Really? It's the first time I've ever been executed.
You'd never have guessed.
You're really, really good at it.
Come on Daisy, come on.
We are making a statement to the whole world.
This regime means business.
-Well that's great isn't it? And in fact you have your entire military government with you in the studio today, isn't that right? Yes indeedy, these are my boys.
Well don't you all look handsome in your super uniforms.
Now that you're all here, there just one little question that I've got to ask, because a lot of people want to know General Alberto, about your human rights CD.
-What? Record! -Record, sorry a human rights record.
When's that being released? General, I think I hear the main party arriving.
Let's see.
Yes here they come.
That's Raul Menandez, the rebel leader who's at the centre of today's proceedings and of course our executioner, Daisy Talwinning.
We were originall hoping to have a quick word with Raul before the execution but GeneralAlberto feels that it would be distressing to some of our viewers to hear the rebel leader's views on the situation.
But I think that I can confidently say that Raul is feeling very sorry about his behaviour.
And now we're going to have a quick word with Daisy Talwinning, executioner.
Hello Daisy.
So, feeling confident? Yeah I think so yeah.
-Think you can handle him? Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
-Great.
So, Daisy tell me, have you every executed anybody famous? -No, no I work with animals normall.
Animals? -Yeah, farm animals, yeah farm animals.
Is there much demand for that? -Oh God, yeah, yeah.
Well you must know some very strict farmers.
Yeah I do actuall, yeah I do.
We're just about ready back there.
But before we go on, I just want to add one word of warning to our viewers all over the world.
Don't tr this at home.
Okay, Daisy, if you'd just like to talk us through it.
Right well um, right in this dish, there's some sort of acid Come on, Daisy, you can do it.
And there's one of these in Raul's chamber isn't there? Yeah that's right, yeah.
And when I release the lever, then one of those pellets is going to drop into the dish.
Releasing the fumes of death.
-Fumes of death, yeah.
Can we have a look at one of those? -Well yeah alright it's a They're a bit horrible I'm afraid.
Hang on, I've got to be careful.
Get on with the demo.
-I think a lot of our viewers would like to know what sort of ingredients are involved in making one of those.
Um I don't know the ingredients, sorry I don't know how they make them.
I said I'm wearing my watch.
Oh shit! Seal the studio.
For God's sake seal it all up.
She's going to kill everyone in the room.
Of course.
You want me to cut? -No way.
-Gallery? -Can you hear me in here? Excuse me, excuse me, but he'll have to come to the front.
Camera's can't see him and we promised the sponsors! But there's no room at the front.
We can make him stand on the chair We could just about get him in there.
If we use the gun won't it break the glass The gas will get in.
Then we'll throw him out.
Let him die out there No no no it's alright, look breathe, breathe.
You see, it's alright.
There's nothing.
You're free you see.
That's funny, they both look like they're still breathing.
Oh of course, the pellets were only props.
What? -Last minute decision, they said it might be too dangerous.
I mean, as if.
-You mean the entire Panadorian government has just humiliated itself in front of the whole world for no reason? Cut! Cut, cut the camera! Cut the camera! Darling, darling, darling, wonderful news, we have seized the last of GeneralAlberto's supporters, now trul his evil regime is at an end.
Aww that's great, isn't it? Do you think you might execute them all? Yes, of course.
-Oh that'd be lovely.
'Cause there hasn't be anything on the telly worth watching recentl has there? Well there is a lot of them to do but fortunatel our new minister of state execution is so efficient.
Wherever did you find him, my darling? So how is life at the new ministr there Mr Franklin? Oh we've got rid of most of it thanks.
I've taken the libert of inviting our guest to dinner.
I hope you don't mind.
-Oh, not at all, no.
Two of my ver favourite blokes at once, great.
D'you know what? I think this calls for sausages.
Ha ha ha ha! The End Edit by