My Family (2000) s03e03 Episode Script

- I'm worried about Nick.
- Too late for Nick.
Perhaps you should worry about Michael.
I sent him out to buy some Brie for my strawberries au gratin.
Isn't that potatoes au gratin? That's a side dish.
This is dessert.
He should have been back hours ago.
Probably drinking the money at the pub.
He'll be back when it runs out.
I didn't give him cash.
I gave him your bank card.
What? What are you doing? I'm ringing to cancel my card before Nick can do any damage.
(Bleeping) What's this? Not now.
This is a text message.
I can't read these things.
What does it say? - You have to get used to the codes.
- Or maybe wear your glasses.
It's from Nick.
- "Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris.
" - Gn "Prices 2 high, so gn 2 Nice for chse.
"Don't worry about money.
I have Dad's bnk card.
" - Any reply? - Yup, yup.
"Dr Nk, u r f'd.
" Oh, come on.
Come on.
What the What is this? Nick! I see you found my flags of all nations.
- Classic but never stale.
- What are they doing in my drawer? - A good magician never reveals secrets.
- You're a magician? And you found my cabinet of mystery.
The only mystery in this house is why we allow you to stay here.
No, listen, Dad.
There could be big money in this.
If I make it, I'll buy you a house of your own.
Yeah, I used to have one of those.
Spent ages thinking what to call myself.
Really? Should have come to me.
Marvo the Mystifier.
The Baffling Sandoval.
The Great Confuso.
The Waste of Space.
Then it came to me, Dad, in a flash of light, a real winner.
Get this.
Brian Miles.
Brian Miles? That doesn't sound like a magician.
- Exactly.
Catch 'em on the wrong foot.
- Hell! Pretty good, but you have to work on the old patter.
Nick, I am just looking for a tape measure.
- What do you want that for? - Never mind.
Don't worry, Dad.
It's not the meat.
It's the motion.
Nick I am this close.
I see your problem.
Let me see if I can help.
Ah.
Here it is.
My collapsible wand.
- Oh? - You can hide it just about anywhere.
Really? Anywhere? I've got a few ideas.
Never mind, Dad.
You've got a lovely personality.
(Plays out of tune) Ben? Ben! Oh, it's stopped.
- What are you doing? - It's all right.
Pretend I'm not here.
Wasn't that one of your wedding vows? Just doing some measuring.
- Wallpaper? - Soundproofing.
Is there something wrong with how I play the cello? No, no, no, no.
You're very good at it.
So good, in fact, you can stop practising.
Please.
(Out of tune) I'm playing the cello because I'm sad.
Now I'm sad.
Oh, the power of music.
Aren't you going to ask me why I'm sad? No, cos it'll lead to a conversation.
I'm sad because somehow now Janey's gone, the house seems somehow Better? - Masculine.
- Ah.
The house is full of men doing their men things.
Michael with his computer, you with your soundproofing.
Nick with his Action Man repair business.
You're a little bit behind the times.
He's a magician now.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Well, you never know.
He might be good at it.
Well, he certainly made Mmm.
Sometimes I wish we'd had another girl.
What, like a spare, in case one of them gets mislaid? Yes.
But as it is, I'm left with this aching void within.
I know.
What? How about if I invite a nice female friend for dinner? - No.
- It would make me happy.
Mmm no.
Oh, well, I'll just have to remain sad.
Alone with my music.
(Plays out of tune) You know what's really pathetic about this, Susan? You've already invited someone to dinner and I know you've invited someone to dinner and you know I know.
That's what marriage is all about.
Not keeping secrets.
- Who is it? - Abi? - Abi? - Your cousin's daughter.
- She's three.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- She was the last time we met.
- She's in her 20s now.
Why can't people leave things be? She just arrived in London to start art college.
- Good.
When does she go back? - What's wrong? You don't know her.
Which is reason enough not to invite her round.
We know enough people.
I forget, Ben, to you, a stranger is just an enemy you haven't met.
(Plays out of tune) OK, pick a card, any card.
Not that one! For God's sake, they're all the same card anyway.
Ah, but I shuffled them.
- Ah, Michael.
- Oh, no.
This one or this one? - Now I know what Janey was for.
- Come on, Michael.
Well, either.
- Michael! - All right.
That one makes your eyes look red and the stripes on that make you look fat.
You haven't quite got the hang of this.
No, I'm useless at it.
Can I go? No.
We've got the lipsticks to look at next.
Oh, God.
Dad, help.
Tell her she looks fantastic in both, but blue's her real colour.
No, Dad, she's turning me into a girl.
I hate this house.
Yup, seems to be working.
This is why it would be nice to have Abi for dinner.
An oestrogen fix for Mummy.
Hah! Damn hell fire, forgot.
Wednesday night, I've arranged to see some patients.
Sorry.
Oh, OK.
That's the night you've invited Abi and I can't make it.
- Any other night but Wednesday.
- That's all right.
Cos she's coming tonight.
You said Wednesday night.
I did, didn't I? Oh, that is so brilliant.
Thank you.
I need a drink.
Good evening, sir.
How are you today? Lovely jacket.
Have you come far? We've never met before, have we? If only.
Just a minute, sir, is this your watch? - Yes.
- Amazing, isn't it? Aren't you amazed? No.
I haven't worn that watch for three days since it disappeared from my bedside table.
Thank you very much, sir.
Lovely gentleman and a great sport.
- That's great.
So you call that magic? - Exactly.
You see, cos when you think the trick is happening, it's already been done.
Nick! - Give me the watch.
- Say the magic word.
Hospital.
- I thought you'd wear your white suit.
- I can't find it.
It's probably with your smile.
I hope you're going to make an effort.
Believe me, Susan, everything is an effort at the moment.
Anyway, she's obviously not coming, so let's go to a restaurant.
- She said eight.
Look at the time.
- It's four minutes past.
A deal's a deal.
She's blown it.
Chinese or Indian? What's your problem? You haven't seen her since she was three.
- That tells you something.
- You took against a three year old? She's not three any more.
She's bigger.
- How do you know? - That side of the family I can't stand.
- It's your side.
- I should know what I'm talking about.
- Look at her father.
- He's charming.
He's charming, all right.
He's charming.
Charmed his way through two marriages, three bankruptcies and Jennifer Boyd.
- Jennifer who? - My first girlfriend.
Lovely, but fickle.
Lured away by a Kit-Kat and a copy of Bunty.
Don't worry.
You'll get over her.
The only other time I see Richard is when he wants to borrow money.
Which reminds me of someone.
Hello, Dad.
- Can I borrow some money? - No.
Before you say no, wait till you hear what I want it for.
- Go on.
- Doves.
- No.
- Come on.
Every magician needs doves.
How else is Brian Miles gonna make a name for himself? As a murder victim.
Nick, darling, no doves.
You're not good with pets.
Remember the goldfish incident? - I was six.
- You put Alka-Seltzer in his bowl.
I thought he'd like a Jacuzzi.
Scooby-Dooby-Doo.
Nick, that, er suit.
Great, innit? I had to dye it obviously.
Give it a bit of the old Brian Miles mystery.
Shazam! Tell me, Nick, it wouldn't, by any chance, have been white? Yes.
- White white linen? - That's right.
- Where'd you get it from? - Oxfam shop, 90p.
- It's mine, isn't it? - Was, Dad.
- I donated it last week.
- Why didn't you just take it? Come on.
That would be stealing.
Plus now we're 90p closer to ending world hunger.
Nick, you are the most idiotic, exasperating Abi's late.
Why don't you two go out for a nice meal? He has a point.
The sooner we leave, the sooner we eat.
Don't blame Abi if you don't like her father.
You're nothing like any of your children.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
(Doorbell) - Say something else nice.
- Get the door.
No.
I was thinking more on the lines of, "You are the most amazing lover in the history of love.
" (Doorbell) Just get the door and if you behave tonight, perhaps we'll test your theory.
I'll get the door.
- (Knocking) - Coming.
All right, I'm coming.
- Hello.
- Are you all right? Yes.
Yes, I'm fine.
I'm Abi, by the way.
- God, we'd better get you to casualty.
- What about her? - Get the first-aid kit.
Abi, sit down.
- Thanks.
I almost forgot.
This is for you.
- Oh! - Don't just stand there, do something.
I'm all right.
I just need a handkerchief.
- It's OK.
Leave it to me.
Here, use this.
- Thank you.
I can't understand how it happened.
It's quite simple.
You put your fist through the window.
- The glass must be faulty.
- Yes, that must be it.
The glass must be faulty (!) - Why not? It happens.
- It never happens to me.
- It happens to me all the time.
- Does that say something? - You're spoiling a lovely evening.
- I'm sorry.
Waiter, champagne, please.
So, Abi, how's your mum and dad? Mum ran off, Dad's a bastard and my stepmum's a whore.
That's nice.
And your little sister? Much better.
They're letting her out soon.
Things are looking up, then.
Yeah.
That's what I thought when I came down here.
Get away from the family, college, new life, new people.
Same old crap.
- So how's the course going? - Crap.
You must have met some nice people your age.
No, they're crap.
- And the teachers? - Crap.
Surely you're enjoying the wild parties, the clubbing - Not really.
They're all a bit - Would you like to borrow a thesaurus? Look, I'm just a bit depressed, all right? We understand.
No.
You invited me out to dinner and I've ruined your whole evening.
There's still three hours to go.
Who knows what might happen next? Avalanche, tsunami? - Divorce.
- You must think I'm a right cow.
What a way to thank you for all the things you've done for me.
Yeah What things? You never forget my birthday.
- Don't we? - No, Ben.
We always send a card, every year.
- Oh, right.
- There's all the wonderful presents.
Christmas and birthday.
I don't remember sending presents.
Do we send presents? - The usual stuff.
- Pop socks, Just Seventeen Annual? - That sort of thing.
- I wouldn't call L500 "That sort of thing".
- L500? - She was speaking metaphorically.
Oh, right.
A metaphor in which L500 means L500.
That cheque you sent me when my dad embezzled my student loan.
- I was amazed.
- Yeah, so would I have been.
Even more amazing was the second time it happened.
You sent me another L500.
I was speechless.
- L1,000! - You weren't using it.
- That's how it works.
- It was lying there.
In a high interest account earning me money.
- For the kids.
- Look on the bright side.
Your relationship with your cousin's daughter.
It was a good distant acquaintance and you turned it into a relationship.
There's no going back.
We've been in Casualty together.
I'm sure you'll find your way back to cold indifference.
You've got to help me.
No more cards, no more presents, no more L500.
But you saw the look on her face when we dropped her off.
So alone.
Well, let's keep it that way, OK? Safer for all.
Nick, how many times have we asked you not to barge into our room? Ah, you can see me.
Yes, that is the tragedy of your existence.
- Yes.
What do you want? - I need a woman.
Have you tried washing your armpits? No, I need a woman for a trick.
Your mum's busy.
I'm giving her an earful.
Whatever floats your boat.
I only need her for a moment.
- Is it dangerous? - Dangerous dangerous? Could be.
Try Michael.
It has to be a woman.
- Why? - It is called sawing a woman in half.
- She'll be down in a second.
- Great.
And, Mum, I think you'll like the new twist.
- Listen - I wonder how Janey is.
It can't be very nice being at college in a strange town away from your parents.
- Cold and alone.
- This isn't about Janey, is it? - Who else would I be talking about? - Abi.
- You're worried, too.
That's sweet.
- She'll be down in a second.
- I should call and see if she's all right.
- Leave her.
She's not your concern.
- You're right.
You call her.
- No.
- She's your niece.
- She is not my niece.
She's my cousin's daughter.
There's not even a name for what she is.
All right.
Stop it.
We've done our duty.
We gave her meal.
A packet of Quavers from the hospital vending machine.
We took her home.
We walked her to the door.
What do you want us to do? - Read her a bed-time story? - There's no answer.
- It's past midnight.
- She could be unconscious.
So could I, if you just shut up.
We should drive over and see if she's OK.
- No.
Susan, go to sleep.
- I can't.
I'm too tense.
You are not driving over to Abi's place.
No.
I'm going to play my cello.
All right, I'll drive.
- The house seems very quiet.
- Yes, good.
Let's go.
- All the lights are off.
- That's because she's asleep.
How do you know she's not drowning in her own blood? Because she left most of it on my favourite shirt.
- Poor Abi.
- Yeah, shame, isn't it? - (Starts engine) - (Stops engine) Any man would get out, go over there and check.
I think you know by now, Susan, I am not any man.
No, You're her uncle ish.
It won't take a minute just to wander over there and ring the doorbell.
Great.
And wake up the whole house.
She's had an accident.
- She needs her sleep.
- All right.
Just wander over and see if you can see her.
OK.
Oh, dear.
I seem to have forgotten my X-ray goggles.
If you can't get a boy to do a man's job, get a woman.
OK.
Bye, then.
Abi! Hello? Are you sleeping? (Mobile rings) - Hello? - 'Hi, it's Abi.
' - Abi? - Listen, I'm really scared.
There's a weird man creeping around outside.
No.
Abi, it's OK.
It's all right.
It's Susan.
But you sound like Ben.
Yes, it is Ben.
No, it's Susan who I haven't got time.
He's outside the window.
I'll deal with it.
- Abi.
- Don't worry.
That pervert is gonna get one hell of a surprise.
Abi! Abi! No, no.
Oh, God.
Susan? Su Susan? Susan? There you are.
Scared to be on your own.
- No.
Listen, this isn't a good idea.
- Why? Abi's just called up on your mobile and she's about to do something Oh, look, Cat Deeley's got our cushions.
(Cooing) What's that noise? My doves.
They're hungry.
(Cooing) Give us that shirt.
I need to wash it.
- It's my favourite.
- You've worn it for three days.
- That's because it's my favourite.
- Don't worry.
Leave it to me.
Sim Salabim! Thank you.
Michael, put on your second favourite shirt.
We're going shopping.
- Oh, no, not more dresses.
- Even better.
I need more shoes.
Is my life gonna be like this forever? Not forever.
She's got to die one day.
Chill out, little man.
I'd give my right arm to go on a shopping trip.
- Not to Dolcis.
- Think of all those women's naked feet.
- Eh? - Maybe it's just me.
- What happened to you? - I married your mother.
Well, it only proves my point.
I said Abi lived in a dangerous area.
- It wasn't dangerous till you got there.
- Of course it was.
Why else would a girl keep a cricket bat under her bed? Because she's a walking catastrophe.
She's a vulnerable and lonely girl.
That spiky exterior is hiding a delicate and beautiful heart.
Like a conker.
Yes, like a conker.
- She's damaged, Ben.
- She's damaged? Hah! Thanks to her I've got a broken window, a ruined shirt, a battered head and I've spent six hours in Casualty and you wonder why I never want to see her again.
(Doorbell) Hello.
- Who was that? - Wrong house.
Hello, darling.
What a nice surprise.
Come in.
- Wrong house, eh? - Not her, me.
I just wanted to say thank you for last night.
It was lovely.
Oh, yes, it was lovely having my head whacked by a cricket bat.
You see? Things like that happen all the time.
Anyway, let's not dwell on the past.
Is your landlady still grumpy? - She threw me out.
- For causing a disturbance? She's pretty strict.
She's got this stupid rule.
"Ten strikes and you're out.
" I suppose I'll find somewhere else.
I wouldn't worry.
There'll always be a place for you in Casualty.
Ignore him.
He's got concussion.
Anyway, I just came to say you know.
What, goodbye forever? No.
Thank you.
And I brought you this.
(Glass rattles) I wouldn't shake it.
It's breakable.
- Isn't that sweet, Ben? - Yes.
When I chuck it in the bin, I'll think of you.
Well, you were so kind to me.
It's nice having a family.
Families are great.
And what's best about a family is being altogether in a family.
Tell me, Abi, something's really bothering me and, er Did, by any chance, Susan ring you this morning to invite you over? - I'm not allowed to say.
- It's all right.
- It's all right.
I won't be angry.
- Yes, she did.
- Bloody hell! Susan, what's going on? - It's only for a couple of months.
- Till I find my feet.
- She can have Janey's room.
- What for? - Ben, really, you're not that concussed.
- (Mutters angrily) - Ben, please, can we keep her? - No! - I'll get my suitcase.
I said no.
Susan said you'd say no before you'd say yes.
It's only a matter of time.
(Cooing) Hey, Nick, you'll never guess what.
- Mum's French.
- No.
- Dad's French? - No.
- Dad's gay? - No.
Abi's coming to live with us.
Really? How interesting.
Yes, it's great.
She'll be the ideal buffer between me and Mum.
Yes.
And I do need a woman.
Sim Salabim.
Tell me, this idea of asking Abi to move in, when did it first occur to you? - Well - Was it when you saw her lodgings? - No.
- Was it last night in Casualty? - Of course not.
- Was it when she broke the window or maybe it was before you even mentioned Abi to me at all? You know what they say.
When you think the trick is happening, it's already been done.
(Crash) Honestly, what stupid idiot left this cello on the floor? Yup, perhaps there's an upside to this after all.
Nick, where's Michael? I'm sure he'd like to keep me company at the hairdresser's.
Sorry, haven't seen him.
(Michael) Ow!