My Mad Fat Diary (2012) s03e03 Episode Script
Voodoo
Surprise! And my current husband is being told he's going to be losing his job.
What's happening to you?! You're acting mental! You sound so surprised.
You are good enough.
You can do it.
But you have to take your chance.
Promise me you won't hurt yourself again.
I promise.
I just want to talk, if you'll let me.
No, no! No, Finn, move out of the Right.
Kester Gill doesn't work here any more.
He hasn't worked here since April.
Why are you doing this?! You have until five.
You may turn your papers over.
I need to come back.
I wanna move back in.
- I disagree.
- And I want the pills.
The ones I had last time.
- I won't recommend those.
- Well, they'll be in the file.
No, I'm sorry.
Not unless I deem them necessary.
I rang Dr Gill.
Told him you'd come in.
He said there was no need.
- No need? - For you to be here.
What else did he say? He said that you'd been working your way through your final few sessions but that, in his view, you were ready to finish therapy.
That's it, is it? He didn't mention the fact that he'd been lying to me this whole time? Rachel, what happened with Kester Gill was a huge disappointment.
You've clearly had real difficulties.
But the problems you're experiencing troubles with your partner, questions about your future, issues about how you look, your self-esteem these are found in the majority of people your age.
You just process them differently.
Kester thinks you're ready to end therapy here.
Well, then, we've got a problem, haven't we? Cos I'm not going anywhere.
She's recommending a short course only.
Take one at dinnertimes, and if you feel funny or a little over-sleepy, then you just let us know, OK? If I wasn't allowed to stay in hospital, then I'd just have to take a bit of the hospital with me.
Rae, shut the door.
Well, you'll have more time to yell at me that way, and I won't get kicked out so quickly.
Well, you won't get kicked out.
They don't want me here.
And you're just gonna try and convince me.
We've got two more sessions.
Oh! Let me see.
This one's because of Finn.
Before I found out he was cheating on me.
And this one Well, this one's because of you.
And it's worse.
It hurt more.
These are just setbacks.
Setbacks? Is that what you just called them, setbacks? And finding out my therapist isn't actually a therapist, what's that? Just another setback? - In March this year - Oh, what's this, Kester? Another story? - No, not a story.
- What is it, then? It's an explanation.
Of what's been happening.
Rae, in March, they put all the doctors in here under review.
I mean, you name it if you could make it into a form, it was sent my way.
Apparently, I became difficult to work with.
I was suspended, and even though I was banned from the building, I kept coming back.
Because of the duty of care I had to my patient.
To the patient I care about the most.
And, if I'm honest, to the person I care about the most.
But by that point, it didn't matter, Rae, because we did it.
You'd got there.
You were ready.
Yeah, and then all the bad stuff started happening.
Because of the work you did, it means you were prepared for the bad things.
Look, you might wish to continue with therapy, but you can go to Bristol, trust me.
Oh.
If you don't believe me, look in your diary.
- The diary doesn't work.
- I disagree.
It's all in there, Rae.
I mean, I've never read it myself, but I know the ending.
It's about this amazing girl who achieves all her dreams.
Well, this is stupid.
I'm scared.
You and the rest of the world.
You'd better be right about this.
I had no idea if I could make it to the end of the street, let alone Bristol.
I had no idea if things were going to be OK.
I just had to give it a go.
Oh, you're back, love.
I thought you were staying at the hospital.
Decided to give it a go.
Are you sure? Not really.
Karim got a new job.
It's in a factory.
That's great.
Isn't it? Yeah, it means he'll be going away for a little bit.
It's a bit too far to commute.
- Why, where is it? - Monastir.
- Where? - Tunisia.
He goes at the end of the week.
It's a six-month contract, but he's allowed to come home for a weekend in the middle of it, so it's not all bad.
Oh, Finn rang to say he was sorry.
I told him to shove his apology up his arse.
MUSIC: Catherine by PJ Harvey Kester said the answers were in the diary.
All I could see was page after page of cringeworthy bullshit.
I had to concentrate on the here and now.
I had to revise.
Rae, concentrate on your own stuff.
I needed to focus.
But how could I think about Lady Macbeth when my head was full of Finn fucking Nelson? And I couldn't start crying to Chloe about my problems.
She'd only just left hospital.
I had to act normal.
Um Guys, what what is the scene number, again, with the ghost in it? - So shiny - You know the one I mean? Do you know what the number is? Hello? Yeah, definitely, Rae.
Yeah.
Well, you're not even listening.
Oh, I'm picking my dress for the leavers' ball.
Um We are supposed to be studying for performing arts theory.
Performing arts theory's easy.
OK.
Got your dress yet, Rae? - Well, what about Finn? - What about Finn? - Is he wearing a tux? - I don't know.
- He would look fit in a tux.
- Definitely.
He doesn't have to wear one Chop's only wearing one cos he's borrowed it from his dad's mate Len, who's a magician.
All I wanna do is revise.
Do you want a hand with your stuff? Are you OK? Do you want a hand? Rae, are you all right? What the fuck was she doing here? Rae What? - Can I talk to you, please? - No.
- No, I just want to explain myself - Katie, what are you doing? Whoa, Rae, what's going on? Nothing.
Well, it doesn't look like nothing.
- I just came to pick Rae up.
- It's fine.
Rae, is there something you're not telling me? No.
Hiya, Katie, you OK? Just so you know, if I found out you've done something to my mate cry while I've been in hospital, I'm gonna do something to make you cry.
D'you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
- Right, I'll call you later.
- OK.
Come on.
Whatever happened between me and Finn and it was hardly anything it's over, OK? OK.
You were all he could think about.
- Doubt it.
- I'm telling the truth, Rae.
Fine, yeah.
Never mind.
- What? - Nothing, it doesn't matter.
No, Katie, it does, cos if you got something to say then now is a good time to say it.
Every time you see him, you bring you bring your problems onto him.
He cares about you so much that he just wants to take that burden, you know? I hate to be the one to say this, because, listen, if if you knew what you were doing, I'm sure you wouldn't do it.
Your problems are bringing him down, Rae.
He's just too nice a guy to say anything.
They all are.
All of your friends.
With you, it's like you're the one with all the injuries, but it's them that feel the pain.
What, like like I'm some kind of voodoo doll, is that what you're saying? They just think that you're always gonna be like this.
Dear Diary, I would always be a burden to my friends and family.
Katie could see it and, deep down, I knew it.
Wow.
Karim was leaving.
There was no way Mum was gonna cope.
How's your revision? You should go.
To Tunisia.
Oh, it's not as simple as that, Rae.
There's your sister to think about, for a start.
I mean, bless her little heart.
We can't go taking her over there, she'll fry like an egg.
Mum, they do have babies in Tunisia, you know.
That's how they end up with adults.
And you loved Tunisia when you went before.
You could go to the mosque.
There'll be loads of mosques.
- And Karim will be there.
You love Karim.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Why not? - I just don't.
You go on and on about me going off to uni and now you can't even leave Stamford.
I've got to work! You hate work.
I don't understand why you don't want to go.
I do wanna go to Tunisia.
It's my dream.
I wanna be a good Muslim wife.
But I'm not going.
I can't, because who's gonna look after my baby? We just spoke about that.
No.
You.
You're my baby.
Who's gonna look after you? I'm going off to uni.
Are you? Because we want you to go to uni, of course we do.
We even broke open the non-alcoholic bloody champagne.
But every day since then, things seem to be getting harder and harder for you.
I can't leave until you can.
And I don't think you're up to it.
My name is Rachel Earl, and I have a rare ability.
It's not just that my problems poison my mind.
That's a given.
My problems poison other people.
And the closer those people get, the worse it becomes.
So, what do you do when you harm the ones you love? You get out of their way.
No-one was coming to save me.
I'd have to do this on my own.
When Kester said the answers were in the diary, maybe he was right.
Maybe I had to look harder.
Maybe I had to read through the pain.
Now, being on your own that night was just a trigger.
What we need to figure out is why you don't like yourself.
We need to start digging deeper, looking at things in your past and seeing how you've made sense of them, things you might not have thought about for years.
You can't spend your life running away from stuff.
This is about being really honest.
Painfully so.
But being honest with yourself.
I don't get why he likes me.
It's embarrassing to be next to him.
I'm embarrassed for him.
You can't believe he likes you because you can't find anything - to like about yourself.
- It's like my mind-set is I just eat until it stops Getting into weird patterns We still make the same choices, because people can't change.
Something broke inside me.
Do you think perhaps your anger is borne out of frustration with yourself, that you're angry and frustrated with yourself for being ill? Maybe my illness wasn't a problem.
Maybe it was just something I needed to learn to live with.
Being brave isn't about never being afraid.
It's about what you do when you are.
Whether you can keep your head.
Whether you do the right thing.
In the spring, I was admitted to a mental home, because I kept trying to hurt myself.
If I was to ask one of your friends what they liked about you, - what do you think they would say? - Our group of friends was was nothing until you sprayed Rae all over it.
You're the one they always look to.
You're the glue.
You see yourself as a fragile thing, like a little broken bird, sloshing around in a bottle.
But, basically, I think you're a pretty tough cookie.
You don't think that people can change.
But I know that they can.
If I really was a voodoo doll, causing all that pain, then it was only because I'd been sticking the pins in myself.
And if I'd stuck them in then I could pull them out again.
How are the hands? A bit better.
Good.
So, without wishing to sound rude, Rachel, why are you here? Well I need your help.
I wanna go to Bristol.
Decided I can do it.
So, I was wondering if you would be able to write me a letter, in case I don't get the grades.
Saying what? Just saying that I would've got the grades if I hadn't have been in here.
I can write a letter, but I'm afraid I've no idea what grades you would've got.
Why the sudden turnaround? You seem so certain about things.
But not so long ago, you were just as certain you couldn't manage any of this.
Kester says that I owe it to myself to try.
How are you going to do that? Well I've just gotta learn how to handle things on my own.
I'm gonna stop waiting for someone to come and save me.
So, do you need this letter? No.
What does that mean? I guess it means that we're done.
No offence.
I'm glad to hear it.
No offence.
MUSIC: The Medication Is Wearing Off by Eels Performing Arts Theory is two hours long.
It's also, for many of you, your final exam, so good luck.
Time now is two o'clock, which gives you until four o'clock.
You may turn over your papers.
I'd missed one exam already.
That meant this one mattered more than ever.
I had to make up the marks.
I didn't know if I'd pass or fail, let alone get into Bristol.
I just knew I had to try.
Bit by bit, question by question, for no-one else other than me.
But just because my exams were over didn't mean my problems suddenly were.
And some things will never let you go.
Not until you find the strength to deal with them.
It was time to tell the gang about Finn.
- No fucking way.
- That's what she told me.
- Are you serious, Rae? - That's disgusting.
Guys Guys before you kick off, just hear me out, yeah? I haven't been easy to go out with.
Trust me.
He's meant to be your plus-one for the leavers' ball.
He's supposed to be a plus-one for longer than that.
Forget about Finn.
Are you all right, Rae? Yeah, we've been worried about you.
Well that's why I wanted us to get together.
So I can explain why I've been feeling the way that I've been feeling.
OK, the only way that I can describe it is it's like I'm walking through a forest the whole time and, for the most part it's fine.
It can be beautiful.
Peaceful, even.
But you always know that at some point you're gonna come across these parts of the forest that you don't recognise.
Dark corners that you didn't know were there, but well, you always kind of knew they were coming.
- Does that make sense? - Yeah.
And that's when the world gets scary.
And that's when you can lose your way.
But because I've got great mates and people who make me strong and remind me that well, even when I hit those dark parts of the forest that I've just gotta keep walking.
Just keep walking, and I'll be OK.
I'll be scared.
But I'll be OK.
So you have to promise me that you're not gonna worry.
And you're not going to hate Finn.
Promise? - Promise.
- Promise? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's OK to hate Katie Springer, though, right? - Yeah.
- Definitely.
You're not talking about the woods in Burghley Park, are you? What? I go there on my bike all the time.
There's loads of dark pa You should cycle somewhere else, genius that you are.
Rae! Rae.
Look, I just wanted to say, if Finn doesn't take you to the leavers' ball, then I'd consider it an honour to step in and take you myself.
The only possible caveat is that I've made some inroads with Kelly who does the trolleys in the Safeway's car park.
So if she pages me back I'd have to renege on my offer.
I mean, I can't have blurred lines, Rae.
Understood.
Thanks, Danny.
- Chlo - I told her, Rae.
I warned her.
Shit.
Chlo! Chlo, wait up.
Chlo! - Chloe - What car is it? Is it one of these? Or is it this one? - It's this one, isn't it? - Chlo Chloe! Chloe, you've just got out of hospital.
What's she doing? Chloe? I told you, Katie.
I warned you.
- What are you doing? - I warned you.
You mess with my best mate, this is what happens.
Your shitty little car gets it.
Chloe, that's not my car.
That's my car.
- Oi, Katie.
- No, I get it, Rae, OK? Yeah, I get it, your mate's pissed off.
Can we just drop it, please? Yeah, OK, yeah, we can.
But this is the last time that we ever speak, even if I get into uni.
You're gonna to go to Bristol and you're gonna ignore the only person that you know? Yeah.
Yeah, I am, Katie.
Because there is no way you are anything like a proper mate, and if your life was so amazing, then you wouldn't be hanging around in a Lincolnshire cul-de-sac with the girls from the year below, would you? Chlo OK? Listen, you do know that you doing that makes me love you even more? Even more than if you'd have got the right car.
What made you go for the bins? The only thing I could think of! Chlo, can you do me a favour? Will you please try and stop worrying about me? I know it's hard, because I am literally the easiest person in the world to worry about, but You've gotta try.
Yeah? Yeah.
Got bin juice on my hand now.
- Whose car is that? - I don't know, but they're gonna be well pissed.
Come on, hurry up! A bit racy.
Racy? Yeah.
Well, racy.
As in racy.
Oh, OK.
Perfect.
That's the look I normally go for.
Oh! - OK.
- Oh, good.
- Here you are, then.
- Thanks.
The leavers' ball wasn't exactly top of my to-do list, especially without Finn Any good? but I had to show Mum I was on the mend.
Bought it when I was 30.
When I was, and don't bite my head off, I was a couple of sizes bigger.
I never quite had the confidence to wear it out.
Oh, Rae.
I'll wear it.
On one condition.
You go to Tunisia.
- No.
- Mum Karim will be missing you like crazy.
You're his life.
I will ring you constantly.
There's this thing called e-mail.
Everyone's getting them.
It's not about that.
Mum They still look sore.
Yeah.
They are.
But they'll heal.
I am learning how to handle things.
But how am I gonna know you're OK? You don't.
I'd have to hand my notice in at the hospital Do you need a little jacket? - How about a little jacket? - Mum I've got a jacket.
You look lovely.
So do you.
You just look a bit more pyjama-y than I expected.
I can't face it, Rae.
What are you on about? Well CHLOE SNIFFS W Well, what happens next? Business college.
I don't know.
I don't I only got that because my dad plays golf with the guy who runs it.
And if I don't do that, then then I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I just know that I won't get to do it with you.
Chlo Like when you told me to stop worrying about you.
Well, I knew then that you were leaving.
Yeah.
Everyone's leaving, aren't they? The gang'll stay in touch, for a bit, but Well It's just life, isn't it? But me and you, right we are Chloe and Rae.
We're not the gang.
And if I go to Bristol then you can just come and visit.
Yeah? Yeah, that'll be good.
It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing I promise we are always gonna be Chloe and Rae.
Yeah? Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Chloe What? I spent ages on this make-up and you've made me cry! No, you made me cry! No, I was fine.
It was you.
Are you gonna go get ready, then? Yeah.
And can I borrow some eyeliner or something? - Yeah, I'll do your make-up.
- Thank you.
Izzy, what's happened to your arm? Oh, it's better now.
I'll take it off in a minute.
It clashes with my dress.
Here he is.
My date.
- You all look gorgeous.
- Hello! Mwah! Look at him.
He's total lush.
Hurry up, knobhead.
Right, let's do this.
Er, wait.
Er, I know things have been a bit tricky lately, um but he wanted me to ask, so Uh, if Finn and you may be able to be mates in the future Archie, can we not do this now, please? To be honest, Raemundo, he kind of needs to know now.
Cab's cost him a right fortune.
MUSIC: Careless Whisper by Wham! _ Finn Nelson late, not invited, taking his life in his own hands just by being here and looking beyond sexy in a tuxedo, which, Dear Diary, is not the point.
- Izzy! - Sorry.
Archie! Well, this was awkward.
MUSIC: Never Ever by All Saints - Rae, I, um I I kissed Katie - Finn It's fine.
No, it's not.
I hurt you, and I'm sorry.
You spend all this time saying how how you're not good enough for me, but I'm not good enough for you.
I'm no better than any of the other Are you criticising my taste in men now, or what? I'm serious, Rae.
I let you down.
Listen I shouldn't have made out that you were Mr Perfect.
It wasn't fair.
But me and you we're going to be all right.
And you know why, don't you? Cos me and you, we we don't always have to be an "us".
And just because we're not together now, Finn Nelson doesn't mean that we'll never be.
OK? Yeah.
If it all goes tits-up in Bristol you know where to find me, don't you? Finn, if if it goes tits-up in Bristol then well, I'm just going to have to figure it out on my own.
Can I have one last kiss? Just to say goodbye.
No.
A kiss would be a backward step, wouldn't it? Shall we have a drink? Come on, it's meant to be a party.
- Cheers.
- M'dear.
- M'dear! - M'dear.
MUSIC: No Matter What by Boyzone I wasn't going to melt into his arms.
But I did want to be with him in that moment.
Even if Boyzone were playing.
I've got something to show you.
What?! Oh, Izzy! - Look what Izzy's got.
- It matches Chop's.
No! Are you joking me? - Izzy! - Do you love it? - Will you get one? - No! We should all get the same one.
Stan Ford forever! Here we go.
- Who's playing here tonight, then, Danny? - Go on, Uncle Archie, mate! I'd like to dedicate this song to my best mates.
Whoever they go on to be.
Happiness More or less It's just a change in me Something in my liberty Oh, my, my Happiness Coming and going I watch you look at me Watch my fever growing, I know Just where I am How many corners do I have to turn? How many times do I have to learn All the love I have is in my mind? But I'm a lucky man With fire in my hands But I'm a lucky man Fire in my hands I'm a lucky man None of us knew what was coming next, or who we would become.
Fire in my hands We just knew that being together was the best way of saying goodbye.
_ Happiness Something in my own place I'm stood here naked Smiling, I feel no disgrace With who I am Izzy got three Cs.
More than enough to go and do textiles at Peterborough College of Design.
Rachel Earl.
And Chloe did way better than anyone expected.
In her retakes, that is.
I didn't open mine straightaway.
I had more important things to do.
We've still got one session left.
As I was walking over here, a bird took a dump and just missed me.
Just missed my head.
So I like to think that, given what happened the very first time we met, that I've made some progress.
Well, maybe it's the pigeon that's changed.
So what did you need? To get into Bristol? Two As and a B.
Congratulations.
There you go.
- See ya.
- No, not if I see you first.
Karim asked me to make sure you didn't forget your chain.
Dear Diary That's the secret, I reckon.
You don't need fixed ideas about who you are or where you're headed.
You don't need offers or grades or stamps of approval.
You just need to be ready to cope with whatever crap comes your way.
And as for all the crazy shit the mental screw-ups and the madness well, that's mine, Dear Diary.
I get to keep that.
That travels with me.
What's happening to you?! You're acting mental! You sound so surprised.
You are good enough.
You can do it.
But you have to take your chance.
Promise me you won't hurt yourself again.
I promise.
I just want to talk, if you'll let me.
No, no! No, Finn, move out of the Right.
Kester Gill doesn't work here any more.
He hasn't worked here since April.
Why are you doing this?! You have until five.
You may turn your papers over.
I need to come back.
I wanna move back in.
- I disagree.
- And I want the pills.
The ones I had last time.
- I won't recommend those.
- Well, they'll be in the file.
No, I'm sorry.
Not unless I deem them necessary.
I rang Dr Gill.
Told him you'd come in.
He said there was no need.
- No need? - For you to be here.
What else did he say? He said that you'd been working your way through your final few sessions but that, in his view, you were ready to finish therapy.
That's it, is it? He didn't mention the fact that he'd been lying to me this whole time? Rachel, what happened with Kester Gill was a huge disappointment.
You've clearly had real difficulties.
But the problems you're experiencing troubles with your partner, questions about your future, issues about how you look, your self-esteem these are found in the majority of people your age.
You just process them differently.
Kester thinks you're ready to end therapy here.
Well, then, we've got a problem, haven't we? Cos I'm not going anywhere.
She's recommending a short course only.
Take one at dinnertimes, and if you feel funny or a little over-sleepy, then you just let us know, OK? If I wasn't allowed to stay in hospital, then I'd just have to take a bit of the hospital with me.
Rae, shut the door.
Well, you'll have more time to yell at me that way, and I won't get kicked out so quickly.
Well, you won't get kicked out.
They don't want me here.
And you're just gonna try and convince me.
We've got two more sessions.
Oh! Let me see.
This one's because of Finn.
Before I found out he was cheating on me.
And this one Well, this one's because of you.
And it's worse.
It hurt more.
These are just setbacks.
Setbacks? Is that what you just called them, setbacks? And finding out my therapist isn't actually a therapist, what's that? Just another setback? - In March this year - Oh, what's this, Kester? Another story? - No, not a story.
- What is it, then? It's an explanation.
Of what's been happening.
Rae, in March, they put all the doctors in here under review.
I mean, you name it if you could make it into a form, it was sent my way.
Apparently, I became difficult to work with.
I was suspended, and even though I was banned from the building, I kept coming back.
Because of the duty of care I had to my patient.
To the patient I care about the most.
And, if I'm honest, to the person I care about the most.
But by that point, it didn't matter, Rae, because we did it.
You'd got there.
You were ready.
Yeah, and then all the bad stuff started happening.
Because of the work you did, it means you were prepared for the bad things.
Look, you might wish to continue with therapy, but you can go to Bristol, trust me.
Oh.
If you don't believe me, look in your diary.
- The diary doesn't work.
- I disagree.
It's all in there, Rae.
I mean, I've never read it myself, but I know the ending.
It's about this amazing girl who achieves all her dreams.
Well, this is stupid.
I'm scared.
You and the rest of the world.
You'd better be right about this.
I had no idea if I could make it to the end of the street, let alone Bristol.
I had no idea if things were going to be OK.
I just had to give it a go.
Oh, you're back, love.
I thought you were staying at the hospital.
Decided to give it a go.
Are you sure? Not really.
Karim got a new job.
It's in a factory.
That's great.
Isn't it? Yeah, it means he'll be going away for a little bit.
It's a bit too far to commute.
- Why, where is it? - Monastir.
- Where? - Tunisia.
He goes at the end of the week.
It's a six-month contract, but he's allowed to come home for a weekend in the middle of it, so it's not all bad.
Oh, Finn rang to say he was sorry.
I told him to shove his apology up his arse.
MUSIC: Catherine by PJ Harvey Kester said the answers were in the diary.
All I could see was page after page of cringeworthy bullshit.
I had to concentrate on the here and now.
I had to revise.
Rae, concentrate on your own stuff.
I needed to focus.
But how could I think about Lady Macbeth when my head was full of Finn fucking Nelson? And I couldn't start crying to Chloe about my problems.
She'd only just left hospital.
I had to act normal.
Um Guys, what what is the scene number, again, with the ghost in it? - So shiny - You know the one I mean? Do you know what the number is? Hello? Yeah, definitely, Rae.
Yeah.
Well, you're not even listening.
Oh, I'm picking my dress for the leavers' ball.
Um We are supposed to be studying for performing arts theory.
Performing arts theory's easy.
OK.
Got your dress yet, Rae? - Well, what about Finn? - What about Finn? - Is he wearing a tux? - I don't know.
- He would look fit in a tux.
- Definitely.
He doesn't have to wear one Chop's only wearing one cos he's borrowed it from his dad's mate Len, who's a magician.
All I wanna do is revise.
Do you want a hand with your stuff? Are you OK? Do you want a hand? Rae, are you all right? What the fuck was she doing here? Rae What? - Can I talk to you, please? - No.
- No, I just want to explain myself - Katie, what are you doing? Whoa, Rae, what's going on? Nothing.
Well, it doesn't look like nothing.
- I just came to pick Rae up.
- It's fine.
Rae, is there something you're not telling me? No.
Hiya, Katie, you OK? Just so you know, if I found out you've done something to my mate cry while I've been in hospital, I'm gonna do something to make you cry.
D'you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
- Right, I'll call you later.
- OK.
Come on.
Whatever happened between me and Finn and it was hardly anything it's over, OK? OK.
You were all he could think about.
- Doubt it.
- I'm telling the truth, Rae.
Fine, yeah.
Never mind.
- What? - Nothing, it doesn't matter.
No, Katie, it does, cos if you got something to say then now is a good time to say it.
Every time you see him, you bring you bring your problems onto him.
He cares about you so much that he just wants to take that burden, you know? I hate to be the one to say this, because, listen, if if you knew what you were doing, I'm sure you wouldn't do it.
Your problems are bringing him down, Rae.
He's just too nice a guy to say anything.
They all are.
All of your friends.
With you, it's like you're the one with all the injuries, but it's them that feel the pain.
What, like like I'm some kind of voodoo doll, is that what you're saying? They just think that you're always gonna be like this.
Dear Diary, I would always be a burden to my friends and family.
Katie could see it and, deep down, I knew it.
Wow.
Karim was leaving.
There was no way Mum was gonna cope.
How's your revision? You should go.
To Tunisia.
Oh, it's not as simple as that, Rae.
There's your sister to think about, for a start.
I mean, bless her little heart.
We can't go taking her over there, she'll fry like an egg.
Mum, they do have babies in Tunisia, you know.
That's how they end up with adults.
And you loved Tunisia when you went before.
You could go to the mosque.
There'll be loads of mosques.
- And Karim will be there.
You love Karim.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Why not? - I just don't.
You go on and on about me going off to uni and now you can't even leave Stamford.
I've got to work! You hate work.
I don't understand why you don't want to go.
I do wanna go to Tunisia.
It's my dream.
I wanna be a good Muslim wife.
But I'm not going.
I can't, because who's gonna look after my baby? We just spoke about that.
No.
You.
You're my baby.
Who's gonna look after you? I'm going off to uni.
Are you? Because we want you to go to uni, of course we do.
We even broke open the non-alcoholic bloody champagne.
But every day since then, things seem to be getting harder and harder for you.
I can't leave until you can.
And I don't think you're up to it.
My name is Rachel Earl, and I have a rare ability.
It's not just that my problems poison my mind.
That's a given.
My problems poison other people.
And the closer those people get, the worse it becomes.
So, what do you do when you harm the ones you love? You get out of their way.
No-one was coming to save me.
I'd have to do this on my own.
When Kester said the answers were in the diary, maybe he was right.
Maybe I had to look harder.
Maybe I had to read through the pain.
Now, being on your own that night was just a trigger.
What we need to figure out is why you don't like yourself.
We need to start digging deeper, looking at things in your past and seeing how you've made sense of them, things you might not have thought about for years.
You can't spend your life running away from stuff.
This is about being really honest.
Painfully so.
But being honest with yourself.
I don't get why he likes me.
It's embarrassing to be next to him.
I'm embarrassed for him.
You can't believe he likes you because you can't find anything - to like about yourself.
- It's like my mind-set is I just eat until it stops Getting into weird patterns We still make the same choices, because people can't change.
Something broke inside me.
Do you think perhaps your anger is borne out of frustration with yourself, that you're angry and frustrated with yourself for being ill? Maybe my illness wasn't a problem.
Maybe it was just something I needed to learn to live with.
Being brave isn't about never being afraid.
It's about what you do when you are.
Whether you can keep your head.
Whether you do the right thing.
In the spring, I was admitted to a mental home, because I kept trying to hurt myself.
If I was to ask one of your friends what they liked about you, - what do you think they would say? - Our group of friends was was nothing until you sprayed Rae all over it.
You're the one they always look to.
You're the glue.
You see yourself as a fragile thing, like a little broken bird, sloshing around in a bottle.
But, basically, I think you're a pretty tough cookie.
You don't think that people can change.
But I know that they can.
If I really was a voodoo doll, causing all that pain, then it was only because I'd been sticking the pins in myself.
And if I'd stuck them in then I could pull them out again.
How are the hands? A bit better.
Good.
So, without wishing to sound rude, Rachel, why are you here? Well I need your help.
I wanna go to Bristol.
Decided I can do it.
So, I was wondering if you would be able to write me a letter, in case I don't get the grades.
Saying what? Just saying that I would've got the grades if I hadn't have been in here.
I can write a letter, but I'm afraid I've no idea what grades you would've got.
Why the sudden turnaround? You seem so certain about things.
But not so long ago, you were just as certain you couldn't manage any of this.
Kester says that I owe it to myself to try.
How are you going to do that? Well I've just gotta learn how to handle things on my own.
I'm gonna stop waiting for someone to come and save me.
So, do you need this letter? No.
What does that mean? I guess it means that we're done.
No offence.
I'm glad to hear it.
No offence.
MUSIC: The Medication Is Wearing Off by Eels Performing Arts Theory is two hours long.
It's also, for many of you, your final exam, so good luck.
Time now is two o'clock, which gives you until four o'clock.
You may turn over your papers.
I'd missed one exam already.
That meant this one mattered more than ever.
I had to make up the marks.
I didn't know if I'd pass or fail, let alone get into Bristol.
I just knew I had to try.
Bit by bit, question by question, for no-one else other than me.
But just because my exams were over didn't mean my problems suddenly were.
And some things will never let you go.
Not until you find the strength to deal with them.
It was time to tell the gang about Finn.
- No fucking way.
- That's what she told me.
- Are you serious, Rae? - That's disgusting.
Guys Guys before you kick off, just hear me out, yeah? I haven't been easy to go out with.
Trust me.
He's meant to be your plus-one for the leavers' ball.
He's supposed to be a plus-one for longer than that.
Forget about Finn.
Are you all right, Rae? Yeah, we've been worried about you.
Well that's why I wanted us to get together.
So I can explain why I've been feeling the way that I've been feeling.
OK, the only way that I can describe it is it's like I'm walking through a forest the whole time and, for the most part it's fine.
It can be beautiful.
Peaceful, even.
But you always know that at some point you're gonna come across these parts of the forest that you don't recognise.
Dark corners that you didn't know were there, but well, you always kind of knew they were coming.
- Does that make sense? - Yeah.
And that's when the world gets scary.
And that's when you can lose your way.
But because I've got great mates and people who make me strong and remind me that well, even when I hit those dark parts of the forest that I've just gotta keep walking.
Just keep walking, and I'll be OK.
I'll be scared.
But I'll be OK.
So you have to promise me that you're not gonna worry.
And you're not going to hate Finn.
Promise? - Promise.
- Promise? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's OK to hate Katie Springer, though, right? - Yeah.
- Definitely.
You're not talking about the woods in Burghley Park, are you? What? I go there on my bike all the time.
There's loads of dark pa You should cycle somewhere else, genius that you are.
Rae! Rae.
Look, I just wanted to say, if Finn doesn't take you to the leavers' ball, then I'd consider it an honour to step in and take you myself.
The only possible caveat is that I've made some inroads with Kelly who does the trolleys in the Safeway's car park.
So if she pages me back I'd have to renege on my offer.
I mean, I can't have blurred lines, Rae.
Understood.
Thanks, Danny.
- Chlo - I told her, Rae.
I warned her.
Shit.
Chlo! Chlo, wait up.
Chlo! - Chloe - What car is it? Is it one of these? Or is it this one? - It's this one, isn't it? - Chlo Chloe! Chloe, you've just got out of hospital.
What's she doing? Chloe? I told you, Katie.
I warned you.
- What are you doing? - I warned you.
You mess with my best mate, this is what happens.
Your shitty little car gets it.
Chloe, that's not my car.
That's my car.
- Oi, Katie.
- No, I get it, Rae, OK? Yeah, I get it, your mate's pissed off.
Can we just drop it, please? Yeah, OK, yeah, we can.
But this is the last time that we ever speak, even if I get into uni.
You're gonna to go to Bristol and you're gonna ignore the only person that you know? Yeah.
Yeah, I am, Katie.
Because there is no way you are anything like a proper mate, and if your life was so amazing, then you wouldn't be hanging around in a Lincolnshire cul-de-sac with the girls from the year below, would you? Chlo OK? Listen, you do know that you doing that makes me love you even more? Even more than if you'd have got the right car.
What made you go for the bins? The only thing I could think of! Chlo, can you do me a favour? Will you please try and stop worrying about me? I know it's hard, because I am literally the easiest person in the world to worry about, but You've gotta try.
Yeah? Yeah.
Got bin juice on my hand now.
- Whose car is that? - I don't know, but they're gonna be well pissed.
Come on, hurry up! A bit racy.
Racy? Yeah.
Well, racy.
As in racy.
Oh, OK.
Perfect.
That's the look I normally go for.
Oh! - OK.
- Oh, good.
- Here you are, then.
- Thanks.
The leavers' ball wasn't exactly top of my to-do list, especially without Finn Any good? but I had to show Mum I was on the mend.
Bought it when I was 30.
When I was, and don't bite my head off, I was a couple of sizes bigger.
I never quite had the confidence to wear it out.
Oh, Rae.
I'll wear it.
On one condition.
You go to Tunisia.
- No.
- Mum Karim will be missing you like crazy.
You're his life.
I will ring you constantly.
There's this thing called e-mail.
Everyone's getting them.
It's not about that.
Mum They still look sore.
Yeah.
They are.
But they'll heal.
I am learning how to handle things.
But how am I gonna know you're OK? You don't.
I'd have to hand my notice in at the hospital Do you need a little jacket? - How about a little jacket? - Mum I've got a jacket.
You look lovely.
So do you.
You just look a bit more pyjama-y than I expected.
I can't face it, Rae.
What are you on about? Well CHLOE SNIFFS W Well, what happens next? Business college.
I don't know.
I don't I only got that because my dad plays golf with the guy who runs it.
And if I don't do that, then then I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I just know that I won't get to do it with you.
Chlo Like when you told me to stop worrying about you.
Well, I knew then that you were leaving.
Yeah.
Everyone's leaving, aren't they? The gang'll stay in touch, for a bit, but Well It's just life, isn't it? But me and you, right we are Chloe and Rae.
We're not the gang.
And if I go to Bristol then you can just come and visit.
Yeah? Yeah, that'll be good.
It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing I promise we are always gonna be Chloe and Rae.
Yeah? Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Chloe What? I spent ages on this make-up and you've made me cry! No, you made me cry! No, I was fine.
It was you.
Are you gonna go get ready, then? Yeah.
And can I borrow some eyeliner or something? - Yeah, I'll do your make-up.
- Thank you.
Izzy, what's happened to your arm? Oh, it's better now.
I'll take it off in a minute.
It clashes with my dress.
Here he is.
My date.
- You all look gorgeous.
- Hello! Mwah! Look at him.
He's total lush.
Hurry up, knobhead.
Right, let's do this.
Er, wait.
Er, I know things have been a bit tricky lately, um but he wanted me to ask, so Uh, if Finn and you may be able to be mates in the future Archie, can we not do this now, please? To be honest, Raemundo, he kind of needs to know now.
Cab's cost him a right fortune.
MUSIC: Careless Whisper by Wham! _ Finn Nelson late, not invited, taking his life in his own hands just by being here and looking beyond sexy in a tuxedo, which, Dear Diary, is not the point.
- Izzy! - Sorry.
Archie! Well, this was awkward.
MUSIC: Never Ever by All Saints - Rae, I, um I I kissed Katie - Finn It's fine.
No, it's not.
I hurt you, and I'm sorry.
You spend all this time saying how how you're not good enough for me, but I'm not good enough for you.
I'm no better than any of the other Are you criticising my taste in men now, or what? I'm serious, Rae.
I let you down.
Listen I shouldn't have made out that you were Mr Perfect.
It wasn't fair.
But me and you we're going to be all right.
And you know why, don't you? Cos me and you, we we don't always have to be an "us".
And just because we're not together now, Finn Nelson doesn't mean that we'll never be.
OK? Yeah.
If it all goes tits-up in Bristol you know where to find me, don't you? Finn, if if it goes tits-up in Bristol then well, I'm just going to have to figure it out on my own.
Can I have one last kiss? Just to say goodbye.
No.
A kiss would be a backward step, wouldn't it? Shall we have a drink? Come on, it's meant to be a party.
- Cheers.
- M'dear.
- M'dear! - M'dear.
MUSIC: No Matter What by Boyzone I wasn't going to melt into his arms.
But I did want to be with him in that moment.
Even if Boyzone were playing.
I've got something to show you.
What?! Oh, Izzy! - Look what Izzy's got.
- It matches Chop's.
No! Are you joking me? - Izzy! - Do you love it? - Will you get one? - No! We should all get the same one.
Stan Ford forever! Here we go.
- Who's playing here tonight, then, Danny? - Go on, Uncle Archie, mate! I'd like to dedicate this song to my best mates.
Whoever they go on to be.
Happiness More or less It's just a change in me Something in my liberty Oh, my, my Happiness Coming and going I watch you look at me Watch my fever growing, I know Just where I am How many corners do I have to turn? How many times do I have to learn All the love I have is in my mind? But I'm a lucky man With fire in my hands But I'm a lucky man Fire in my hands I'm a lucky man None of us knew what was coming next, or who we would become.
Fire in my hands We just knew that being together was the best way of saying goodbye.
_ Happiness Something in my own place I'm stood here naked Smiling, I feel no disgrace With who I am Izzy got three Cs.
More than enough to go and do textiles at Peterborough College of Design.
Rachel Earl.
And Chloe did way better than anyone expected.
In her retakes, that is.
I didn't open mine straightaway.
I had more important things to do.
We've still got one session left.
As I was walking over here, a bird took a dump and just missed me.
Just missed my head.
So I like to think that, given what happened the very first time we met, that I've made some progress.
Well, maybe it's the pigeon that's changed.
So what did you need? To get into Bristol? Two As and a B.
Congratulations.
There you go.
- See ya.
- No, not if I see you first.
Karim asked me to make sure you didn't forget your chain.
Dear Diary That's the secret, I reckon.
You don't need fixed ideas about who you are or where you're headed.
You don't need offers or grades or stamps of approval.
You just need to be ready to cope with whatever crap comes your way.
And as for all the crazy shit the mental screw-ups and the madness well, that's mine, Dear Diary.
I get to keep that.
That travels with me.