Never Have I Ever (2020) s03e03 Episode Script
…had a valentine
1
[electro pop music playing]
[McEnroe] For as long
as Devi could remember,
Valentine's Day had been nothing
but a humbling annual reminder
that she was a stone-cold loser.
You will always be my Valentine, kanna.
[kisses]
[McEnroe] As far as she was concerned,
this holiday sucked a fat one.
[music continues]
Whoops, sorry, little boy.
I'm supposed to be next door.
[McEnroe] But today, Devi had a boyfriend,
and Valentine's Day
was gonna frickin' rule.
- Happy Valentine's Day.
- [Devi] Hey.
I've got a really romantic date
planned for us tonight.
- [Devi] Ooh.
- I Febrezed my futon and everything.
[both chuckle]
[McEnroe] Put that in your vape pen
and vape it, loser single girls.
All right. Well, I gotta grab some things
before class, but I'll see you later.
[Devi] Okay.
- [McEnroe] Nothing was gonna ruin today.
- [sighs]
- Hey, what's up?
- Yo, what up, dude?
[McEnroe] Not even the fear that Devi
may have inadvertently rekindled something
between Paxton and his smoking hot ex.
- Oh, Paxton, wait. Guess what?
- Yep.
You're my perfect match.
What are you talking about?
What is that? Oh!
Happy Valentine's.
Here's your results
from the student council's
compatibility quiz
you took yesterday at lunch.
["Run It Up Pt. II" by Spilt Milk playing]
[McEnroe] Oh God.
Maybe there's another Eric Perkins
at this school.
- [boy] No way, man.
- [girl] Walk much?
What?
Run it up, run it up
Run it up, run it up ♪
Run it up, run it up, run it ♪
Run it up, run it up ♪
[Devi] Valentine's Day sucks!
I just don't get how I, a person
who's dating the hottest boy in school,
is most compatible with Eric.
Are you more mad that you got Eric,
or that Haley got Paxton?
[sighs]
I'm happy that they're friends again.
I just wish
they weren't such good friends.
You don't have to worry about Haley.
Paxton is super into you.
I know, but he and Haley
have known each other forever,
and they have had sex.
And now I'm picturing them having sex and
Oh my God, I realized why the computer
said they were a perfect match.
Don't read into it that much.
It's just a dumb quiz made
by dumb teenagers in a dumb school.
Hey, guys.
[inhales deeply] Hi, Aneesa.
[McEnroe] This awkward hello is courtesy
of the following interaction
that has yet to be discussed.
Um, did you just call this quiz dumb?
It was actually developed
by Nobel prize-winning scientists at MIT.
Its accuracy is undisputed.
So, educate yourselves.
Sorry, Jonah.
I can't believe I got Gears Brosnan.
I didn't even know he filled out a quiz.
- Who'd you guys get?
- I got Trent.
Yeah, I got Ben.
Oh wow, Ben. That's so cool
since he's your boyfriend and all.
Hey, Fab, do you feel weird today?
Why? Do I seem weird? Does it seem
like something weird happened?
No, I was just wondering
'cause, you know, it's Valentine's Day,
and you must miss Eve.
Oh. Um [sighs]
Yeah, yeah, that's I do. I miss her.
Speaking of relationships,
I don't think all the couples here
are gonna make it through Valentine's.
- What?
- Why do you say that?
Because I need to dump Trent.
Wait, I thought things were going well.
I mean, it's been fun.
He's just not very deep.
Like, I'm a second away
from bursting into either song or tears
at every moment of the day.
Shouldn't I be with another artist
or at least another Sagittarius?
Got you, babe.
Oh, hey.
Yeah, I got you too.
[inhales deeply] Wow,
those MIT guys are good.
I guess.
But doesn't this quiz feel kind of creepy?
Like, real 1984 vibes.
The Taylor Swift album?
[snorts] No, Aneesa.
The book by George Orwell.
God, I've gotta get you
a little library card, huh?
I'd argue that 1989
has more literary relevance
than anything George Orwell ever wrote.
Is that true? I only listen to podcasts.
Dr. Vishwakumar,
your next patient is here.
[chuckling]
Hi. Rhyah, what brings you in today?
Oh, I just wanted to say hi.
Also, I have this tiny burning rash
going up my arm,
but I mostly just wanted to say hi.
Okay, let me take a look.
- [Rhyah] Okay.
- How are things with you?
- I'm good. How are you doing?
- Good. Good, good.
- Itchy?
- Yeah.
- [Nalini] Kind of flaky?
- Little bit.
Mmm. Looks like tinea corporis.
- Oh, what's that?
- It's basically athlete's foot.
Or in this case,
we can call it athlete's forearm.
[gasps] See, I knew my yoga studio
wasn't washing their mats properly.
I stayed late one time
and watched them flip 'em over.
Don't worry about it.
It's actually fairly common.
I'm just gonna write you a prescription
for anti-fungal cream.
It should clear up in a few weeks.
Fungal infection on Valentine's Day.
[chuckling] Very sexy.
Do you have any plans tonight?
[McEnroe] Nalini had completely forgotten
about Valentine's Day.
She had always considered it
a stupid holiday.
But now with Mohan gone,
it felt different.
No.
Mohan, no.
We agreed last year
no Valentine's Day gifts.
This is different. You'll like it.
I spent hardly any money.
[sentimental music playing]
You got me a bobblehead of you?
Yeah.
Now you can knock me around
when I'm being hardheaded.
Did you give yourself a stronger jaw?
Well
Maybe.
[Nalini chuckles]
[sighs] Nope.
No Valentine's Day plans
other than tending to the many
demanding people in my household
who drain me of my money and energy.
Well, you should still celebrate.
Hey, you need to carve out
some fun time for you.
Every day.
I already do that for six hours
every night when I'm asleep.
That's not what I mean.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
Let's have a gals hang.
Oh. Uh
I don't think I can.
Just really busy.
Sorry.
Okay, no worries.
But I'm gonna leave you my number
just in case you change your mind.
- [Tracey] Dr. Vishwakumar.
- [Nalini] Mm-hmm.
Your mother-in-law's on the phone.
She's accidentally locked herself
in the garage again.
She said it's no rush,
but the stove is on.
[Mr. Shapiro] Good morning, students.
Who knows what this is?
That's a 34C, front clasp, demi-cup.
No, Trent. This is oppression.
Uh, they used to be made
of more flammable materials.
The point is,
we are starting our unit
on the women's rights movement,
and it will take us all the way
till the end of the year.
We're studying the women's rights movement
for the next four months?
What about Watergate?
What about Iran-Contra? What about 9/11?
Uh, would you like to tell
the women in this classroom
that those events mean more to you
than their rights?
We need to know other things
for the AP test.
Reclaiming my time.
The first assignment.
I need all of you to break up into groups
and rewrite the Bill of Rights
as if it were written,
not by Founding Fathers
but instead by Founding Mothers.
Can you believe this?
This is why we need real textbooks.
Well, according to you,
I don't read books.
So I guess I'm cool with it.
[students murmuring]
Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Yeah, actually.
My superhot boyfriend. Mm-hmm.
And he's a real psycho, so
- Damn. The cute ones are always taken.
- [Devi] Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
How's your Valentine's Day going?
It was good at the start,
and then I got Eric
on the compatibility quiz.
Mm. He's not so bad.
He's always the first to notice
when I get a new haircut.
I guess.
I just kind of wanted
to get my smokeshow boyfriend,
but apparently the computer feels
like he's out of my league.
Okay. First of all,
you're my smokeshow girlfriend.
And secondly,
the computer thinks
you're exactly in my league.
[McEnroe] Hallelujah.
Who cares if Devi's perfect match was Eric
as long as Paxton's perfect match was her?
According to Nobel scientists,
she was basically the only one
in the whole world for him.
So suck on that, Haley.
- [fire whooshes]
- [yelps]
Oh, it seems as if it is still flammable.
Everyone out!
Men and teachers last.
[students murmuring]
Yo, babe. [exhales]
I have an amazing Valentine's plan.
Picture this, candlelight dinner.
You, me, my Uncle Joe.
Wear something sexy.
Yeah. Um, Trent, I think we should talk.
Oh wow.
Anytime someone says that to me,
it always means great news.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Well, I don't think I can come
to Valentine's with your Uncle Joe.
Why? Is it because
he hogs the crescent rolls?
Or are you worried he's gonna try
to put you in one of his TV commercials?
One of his, 'scuse me, whats?
His commercials.
He owns a chain of blinds stores.
Chances are you've seen them
while pumping gas.
Wait. Is your Uncle Joe Captain Joe,
the pirate who makes high prices
walk the plank?
That's him. Yeah,
whenever we have dinner together,
he always ropes everyone at the table
into being in his next commercial.
Oh, wow.
But we could always
just go out to a restaurant.
No, I'll be there.
Valentine's Day is about family.
Thanks for reminding me of that.
[both chuckle]
[Ben] Hey.
Something wrong?
You kinda bit my head off back there.
Yeah. Well, I didn't love
the way you talked to me earlier.
That little library card remark
was messed up.
Aneesa, I was just teasing.
It was just a joke.
Was it a joke?
You seem genuinely embarrassed by me.
Of course, I'm not embarrassed of you.
You're amazing,
and pretty, and cool, and fun.
So what if you don't know
who some dumb author is.
I don't expect you
to know everything that I know.
There it is. Right there.
You're so condescending.
[inhales deeply] You know what?
Hmm. Think I'm gonna take
a rain check on Valentine's dinner.
What? Aneesa, wait.
Oh, come on. I didn't mean it like that.
[sighs]
- [door closes]
- [faucet running]
[smacks lips]
Here we are again
in the old bathroom. [chuckles]
Yeah. Um, Fabiola, about that.
I'm really sorry I kissed you.
Can we just forget about it?
Yeah. Yeah, no problem.
I'm I'm still getting over Eve, so
consider it forgotten.
Thank you.
Good talk.
- [somber music playing]
- [door opens, closes]
Whoa! Is that homemade rigatones with
[imitating Italian accent] mozzarella?
Yep, as long as you count
microwaving a Stouffer's as homemade.
I did cut that sprig of parsley
and put it on there.
[clicks tongue] Uh, I think that's mint.
Nice, refreshing. [chuckles]
[Devi] Hmm.
Look at us. You know, at first glance,
we probably seem like a real odd couple.
Because, you know,
you're Paxton Hall-Yoshida.
And I'm just, ugh,
nerdy little me with no abs.
What? Don't talk about yourself like that.
Come on, you're awesome.
You're beautiful. You're smart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying,
despite that, those MIT scientists
know what they're talking about.
- We're really good together.
- Totes. Just like marinara and mint.
Sure, or things that more classically
go together. [chuckles]
But anyway, we're a good team.
- Yeah, we are a good team.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, speaking of teams,
I'm gonna play paintball tomorrow
with a bunch of dudes. Wanna come?
I absolutely do not.
But yet again,
I love that we like different things,
because per the computer,
opposites attract.
They sure do.
Happy Valentine's Day, Devi.
Oh, shit.
I totally forgot.
I bought fancy Parm for this.
Not even the green can.
It's like a little brick I have to grate.
So, BRB. [chuckles]
[McEnroe] Devi was finally at peace
in her relationship.
And though the bar was low,
she was having
the most romantic meal of her life.
All she had to do now was lean back
and wait for her chiseled,
doting boyfriend
to bring her freshly grated cheese and
lie to her frickin' face.
- What the hell?
- [sighs]
Cheers to my most romantic
Valentine's Day dinner yet.
- Eye contact.
- Mmm. Sure.
Eye contact. Eleanor, eye contact.
Yep. [chuckles]
So, Captain Joe.
You know, I'm a big fan.
I love the commercial
where you slash prices and some blinds
with your hook hand.
Thanks. Actually, I didn't mean
to rip those blinds in half,
but we forgot to roll sound
on the other take, so
The performances are phenomenal.
Where do you find the actors?
Mmm Mostly family dinners.
Oh, hey, you know, Eleanor is an actor.
- [chuckles]
- A really good one.
Well, if you want,
you can play a salty sea wench.
In your next commercial?
Yeah, sure.
[inspirational music playing]
Oh my God.
I'm a working actor.
I'm a working actor. Thank you so much.
Yeah, anything for someone
who makes my nephew here so happy.
Oh, not even weed makes me this happy.
- [sighs]
- [chuckles sheepishly]
Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.
[sighs]
[door opens]
Oh, Devi. Hi. Hey, do you want
to have a little bit of dinner with me?
Your grandmother's having Galentine's
with one of her cliques,
and believe I saw your cousin sneak
into your teacher's crappy little Honda.
Uh, no, thanks. I already ate.
I'm just gonna go up to my room.
Uh, I have a big test tomorrow.
[McEnroe] As Nalini envisioned her night
watching a Hallmark movie
with an inanimate object,
she started to entertain the possibility
that she might need
to broaden her social horizons.
[Nalini] Hi, Rhyah! Still free tomorrow?
This is Nalini Vishwakumar.
[McEnroe] Devi hadn't mentioned the card
to Paxton,
instead she had spent
the rest of dinner pretending to be happy,
like I did when I got runner-up
at Wimbledon in 1980.
Not doing a great job there, bud.
Wow, you really weren't lying
about the Parmesan.
- It's delicious.
- I know, right?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
I sure can trust you
when it comes to cheese.
[sighs]
[McEnroe] But obviously
Devi was spiraling.
Why did Paxton lie to her?
And, more importantly,
was his perfect match
who she thought it was?
[sighs]
[upbeat music playing]
Eric, we need to talk about
the compatibility quiz. I know you got me.
Shh! Keep it down.
You trying to ruin my rep, dork?
Excuse me, nerd?
I've spent the last two years
trying to date someone who's hot
and become popular,
so that I'm not just the kid
who lost his dad
[McEnroe] Damn. Maybe they were alike.
at Disneyland.
I had to wait for him
near the security desk.
Oh my God.
[McEnroe] Ugh. This kid.
Well, I know Paxton made you trade cards
with him. So tell me who he got.
- Hmm. Interesting. What's it worth to ya?
- Just give me the card, Eric.
Oh, you mean this card?
Well, it is gonna cost you big time.
Haley.
Damn it.
No, I don't. No! I never said that.
- Is she laughing? That's five bucks then.
- [Haley] I'm not laughing.
[scoffs]
How'd the rest of your Valentine's go?
Did you break up with
Ah! My boyfriend.
I'm gonna take that as a no.
No, I didn't break up with him.
Instead, I used him to get to his uncle.
I'm gonna need you to elaborate on that.
His uncle's Captain Joe.
The blinds guy?
Yep, and I weaseled my way
into one of his commercials.
Oh my God, Eleanor,
you're gonna be in a commercial?
Yeah, but I feel really gross about it.
So what are you gonna do?
I think I have
to let both Trent and the commercial go.
Maybe one of these days
I'll meet someone who's right for me,
whose uncle also makes commercials.
And so Eric shows me Paxton's card,
and it's frigging Haley.
Are you worried that something
is going on between them?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
It's just Why else would he lie?
Well, it was wrong for Paxton
to be dishonest.
But why do you care so much
about this test?
It's just
when I see him talking to Haley,
I feel really jealous.
They look so good together.
Like, no one would bat an eye
if you said that they were a couple.
And you think you and Paxton
are getting tons of eye bats?
I can't help but worry
that this is some weird phase for him
where he dates a quirky, smart girl.
And at any moment, he's gonna be like,
"Yo, you know what I miss?"
"Superhot models with six-pack abs
and, like, symmetrical boobs."
[laughs]
First of all, girl,
nobody has symmetrical boobs.
Everybody's got a Biggie and a Smalls.
And secondly, that way of thinking
is selling you both short.
- Like, look at this girl.
- Do I have to?
[Devi] Yes. Look at her stories.
Here she is doing
a cool dance, ironically. [scoffs]
And here she is doing Pilates.
Probably without even queefing.
- And here she is playing paintball.
- [Haley laughing]
Wait, she's playing paintball?
Doc, I gotta go.
Devi, don't. Let's work through this.
Devi, don't go
[sighs]
Shit.
[mouth full] Mmm, an açaí bowl.
I never had one of these before.
- Really?
- [Nalini] Mm-mm.
Oh, açaí bowls are great.
They're loaded with antioxidants, fiber.
They boost brain function.
But really, they're just a way to eat tons
of sugar and pretend it's healthy for you.
- [Nalini chuckles]
- [Rhyah laughs]
You sound like my husband.
He had a huge sweet tooth.
One time he had three Pizookies.
That's a cookie the size of a pie.
Got very sick to the stomach.
But even in severe abdominal pain,
he was still able to make me laugh.
[chuckles]
I'm sorry, Nalini.
Must be really difficult without him.
Yesterday was harder
than I expected, you know.
I always thought Valentine's Day
was stupid, but last night
[inhales deeply]
I would've given anything for him
to walk through the door
with a $5 teddy bear from the gas station.
I wish you could've had that too.
Saw a picture of him in your office.
Good for you, girl.
[both laugh]
- He was nice to look at, wasn't he?
- [Rhyah] Mmm.
But that's not what I miss most about him.
I truly just miss having
my best friend around.
Well, it sounds like a new friend
is just what's needed.
Let's do something fun.
Have you ever had a blowout?
I fear this açaí bowl may lead to one.
[laughs]
No. No, no. I meant your hair.
There's a blow-dry bar over there.
- No, please. [chuckles]
- [Rhyah laughs]
- I'm so embarrassed.
- [laughs]
Sounds like fun.
What up? Let's get our P-ball on.
Hey, I didn't think you wanted to play.
I changed my mind.
As I always say,
a couple that shoots guns together
has funs together
- [paintball gun fires]
- Ah!
Wow, that is a sensitive trigger.
[chuckles] Dope.
Well, we already picked teams,
but Trent's team is down a person.
Oh. Yeah. Sure. I'll be on Trent's team.
All right, cool. Let's go!
Welcome to the squad, Crazy Devi.
Okay, I've given it some thought,
and here's our strategy.
If you see someone on the other team,
shoot paintballs at them,
and then the second part
of that strategy is
don't let them shoot paintballs
that hit you.
Oh, and be careful
'cause Haley's a sick shot.
[scoffs] How good could she be?
- Jesus.
- Yeah, she and Paxton are gonna smoke us.
Oh, which reminds me.
I'm gonna get high before we do this.
[McEnroe] As Devi looked over
at the so-called perfect match
of Haley and Paxton,
she realized she had let this dumb
compatibility test mess with her head,
and the only way to go forward
was to let the test go.
But also, she decided the only way
she could let the test go
is if she kicked Haley's ass at paintball
proving that she was
Paxton's true perfect match.
What? You thought
she was gonna be mature about this?
- ["Not About You" by Haiku Hands playing]
- [paintball guns firing]
It's not about you ♪
All talk, hold court
Oh Lord, I understood ♪
[groans]
[gasps] Wow. Am I amazing at this?
[paintball gun firing]
Shut up ♪
It's not about me either ♪
- [paintball gun firing]
- Ow.
Chill ♪
It's not about you, shut up ♪
It's not about me either ♪
It's us versus the grim reaper ♪
- [paintball gun firing]
- [groans]
Oh, I bruise so easily. [exhales]
I'm gonna ♪
I'm gonna ♪
It's not about you ♪
I'ma kick your arse ♪
I'ma kick your arse ♪
I'ma kick your arse ♪
If you don't drop the facade
I said I'll hit the mark on the head ♪
I said
I'll bring you back from the dead ♪
I did all that while you were in bed ♪
And still had time
To set the next trend ♪
It's not about you ♪
- On your knees.
- What?
Bet you thought you could beat me, huh?
I might not be as cute as you
or as limber as you,
and my hair might not be
as shiny as yours,
but I do have determination and grit
like the noble cockroach.
I don't know what's happening.
But could you shoot me so I can be out
of the game and get a soda?
Okay, I'm gonna shoot you
when I'm good and ready to [groans]
[paintball gun firing]
- Yes! Blue team wins. Let's go!
- [Haley] Whoo!
- Whoo!
- [laughs, claps]
Yeah!
Aneesa. Neese, wait.
You have to talk to me.
I know that I messed up,
and I was a dick. I'm really sorry.
Yeah, I don't think this is working out.
What? No. Why?
I don't think you respect me.
And you make me feel stupid,
and I'm not stupid.
I deserve someone who's excited
to be with me just as I am
and who doesn't wish I was someone else.
[somber music playing]
Shit. Why are you in every room I enter?
I don't know the answer to that.
Um, I can go, though.
[sniffling]
- [sobbing softly]
- Wait. Are you okay?
[sighs]
Ben and I just broke up.
Oh.
I I'm really sorry, Aneesa.
[sighs] It was for the best.
He wasn't really right for me.
So I guess the test was wrong for you.
[chuckles] No. No.
I lied about getting Ben.
- I actually got a random freshman.
- [chuckles]
[chuckles]
Listen, I am sure
you will find another great guy soon.
Or, you know, a great girl
if kissing me wasn't a fluke.
I'm sure the right person is out there.
[chuckles gently]
[McEnroe] Even though the conversation
had some mixed signals,
Fabiola felt good about it.
It was a start.
Well, in the meantime,
I'm here if you want to talk.
Thanks, Fabiola.
You're a good friend.
[boy] Watch it, dude.
[Paxton] Nice job, Haley.
I can't believe you shot me.
You saw Haley and I sitting there,
and you shot me, and I'm your girlfriend.
She was on my team.
And I thought we were a team.
- What is going on with you?
- I know you lied.
I know you got Haley on the test,
and you lied to me. Why?
I don't know. Maybe because
I thought you might take it badly
if you knew I got Haley.
Why would you think that?
Well, because of how you're acting
right now.
And also you've been really weird
since Haley and I became friends again,
even though you're the one
who made me apologize.
Sorry, but she's so beautiful
and good with guns,
and could be Lara Croft for Halloween.
How am I supposed to compete with that?
You don't.
Haley and I are just friends.
I'm with you.
I know, but I don't understand why.
Why what?
Why I'm with you? Because I like you.
Yeah, but why?
No one else thinks we make any sense.
No, you don't think we make any sense.
[sighs] Because when we walk
down the halls,
I know what everyone's thinking.
"Oh, why is he with her?
He's too good for her."
Who cares what people think?
I think you're good enough for me.
But I can't keep trying
to convince you of that.
What does that mean?
Look, Devi, I-I really like you, but
I-I don't think
we can have a real relationship
until you like yourself.
[somber song playing]
I'm sorry.
I'll burn down ♪
And sleep in the warm ashes
On the ground ♪
Whoa, Eleanor!
Are you here to play paintball too?
Weird. I wouldn't have pegged that
as one of your interests.
It's not, Trent. I wanted to talk to you.
- Well, then it's good I was here also.
- Uh-huh.
Let me just dive in. There's something
I have to confess to you.
I used you
to get into your uncle's commercial.
I was gonna break up with you,
and then you told me about it,
and I deployed my incredible acting skills
to manipulate you.
But I won't take the commercial,
and you'll never have to see me again.
We have a lot of classes together.
Okay, well, yeah, you'll see me in those.
But I can wear my veil if that would help.
Eleanor, I knew you were gonna dump me.
I'm not a great boyfriend.
I've been told by many guidance counselors
that I'm clinically immature.
- I actually manipulated you.
- What?
I dangled Uncle Joe in front of you
like a carrot in front of a person
who really likes carrots.
I knew his Hollywood connections
would make you stay with me.
Wait, so we deceived each other
to get what we wanted?
Oh my God.
We're like a real celebrity couple.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
I really like you, Eleanor.
I know it seems like I'm knee-deep
in tang twenty-four-sevskies, but
you're actually my first girlfriend,
and I'm a little insecure about that.
[redeeming music playing]
Devi. Guess what?
I did a gal pal hang today.
Please check out my blowout.
I look like a newswoman.
Yeah. That That's great, Mom.
Is everything okay?
Y-Yeah. Um, I just didn't do well
on that test I told you about earlier.
[stomping foot]
Devi.
What actually happened?
Is this about a boy?
Even though I won't let you date,
I do care if you're heartbroken.
[sniffling]
Yeah. It's about a boy.
And I really, really liked him.
Come here.
[sobbing]
["Before the Fall" by Afternoon Bike Ride
and Ryan Hemsworth]
[sniffling]
Once upon a time
A songbird flew away for good ♪
Every melody went unheard
In a concrete world ♪
Now her joyful hum
Echoes through trees ♪
That used to grow
Where they've paved in the street ♪
Winter's cloak covered
The tracks of the tyrants ♪
Spring couldn't bring on
The promise of June ♪
With no voice to sing
And nothing to bloom ♪
[electro pop music playing]
[McEnroe] For as long
as Devi could remember,
Valentine's Day had been nothing
but a humbling annual reminder
that she was a stone-cold loser.
You will always be my Valentine, kanna.
[kisses]
[McEnroe] As far as she was concerned,
this holiday sucked a fat one.
[music continues]
Whoops, sorry, little boy.
I'm supposed to be next door.
[McEnroe] But today, Devi had a boyfriend,
and Valentine's Day
was gonna frickin' rule.
- Happy Valentine's Day.
- [Devi] Hey.
I've got a really romantic date
planned for us tonight.
- [Devi] Ooh.
- I Febrezed my futon and everything.
[both chuckle]
[McEnroe] Put that in your vape pen
and vape it, loser single girls.
All right. Well, I gotta grab some things
before class, but I'll see you later.
[Devi] Okay.
- [McEnroe] Nothing was gonna ruin today.
- [sighs]
- Hey, what's up?
- Yo, what up, dude?
[McEnroe] Not even the fear that Devi
may have inadvertently rekindled something
between Paxton and his smoking hot ex.
- Oh, Paxton, wait. Guess what?
- Yep.
You're my perfect match.
What are you talking about?
What is that? Oh!
Happy Valentine's.
Here's your results
from the student council's
compatibility quiz
you took yesterday at lunch.
["Run It Up Pt. II" by Spilt Milk playing]
[McEnroe] Oh God.
Maybe there's another Eric Perkins
at this school.
- [boy] No way, man.
- [girl] Walk much?
What?
Run it up, run it up
Run it up, run it up ♪
Run it up, run it up, run it ♪
Run it up, run it up ♪
[Devi] Valentine's Day sucks!
I just don't get how I, a person
who's dating the hottest boy in school,
is most compatible with Eric.
Are you more mad that you got Eric,
or that Haley got Paxton?
[sighs]
I'm happy that they're friends again.
I just wish
they weren't such good friends.
You don't have to worry about Haley.
Paxton is super into you.
I know, but he and Haley
have known each other forever,
and they have had sex.
And now I'm picturing them having sex and
Oh my God, I realized why the computer
said they were a perfect match.
Don't read into it that much.
It's just a dumb quiz made
by dumb teenagers in a dumb school.
Hey, guys.
[inhales deeply] Hi, Aneesa.
[McEnroe] This awkward hello is courtesy
of the following interaction
that has yet to be discussed.
Um, did you just call this quiz dumb?
It was actually developed
by Nobel prize-winning scientists at MIT.
Its accuracy is undisputed.
So, educate yourselves.
Sorry, Jonah.
I can't believe I got Gears Brosnan.
I didn't even know he filled out a quiz.
- Who'd you guys get?
- I got Trent.
Yeah, I got Ben.
Oh wow, Ben. That's so cool
since he's your boyfriend and all.
Hey, Fab, do you feel weird today?
Why? Do I seem weird? Does it seem
like something weird happened?
No, I was just wondering
'cause, you know, it's Valentine's Day,
and you must miss Eve.
Oh. Um [sighs]
Yeah, yeah, that's I do. I miss her.
Speaking of relationships,
I don't think all the couples here
are gonna make it through Valentine's.
- What?
- Why do you say that?
Because I need to dump Trent.
Wait, I thought things were going well.
I mean, it's been fun.
He's just not very deep.
Like, I'm a second away
from bursting into either song or tears
at every moment of the day.
Shouldn't I be with another artist
or at least another Sagittarius?
Got you, babe.
Oh, hey.
Yeah, I got you too.
[inhales deeply] Wow,
those MIT guys are good.
I guess.
But doesn't this quiz feel kind of creepy?
Like, real 1984 vibes.
The Taylor Swift album?
[snorts] No, Aneesa.
The book by George Orwell.
God, I've gotta get you
a little library card, huh?
I'd argue that 1989
has more literary relevance
than anything George Orwell ever wrote.
Is that true? I only listen to podcasts.
Dr. Vishwakumar,
your next patient is here.
[chuckling]
Hi. Rhyah, what brings you in today?
Oh, I just wanted to say hi.
Also, I have this tiny burning rash
going up my arm,
but I mostly just wanted to say hi.
Okay, let me take a look.
- [Rhyah] Okay.
- How are things with you?
- I'm good. How are you doing?
- Good. Good, good.
- Itchy?
- Yeah.
- [Nalini] Kind of flaky?
- Little bit.
Mmm. Looks like tinea corporis.
- Oh, what's that?
- It's basically athlete's foot.
Or in this case,
we can call it athlete's forearm.
[gasps] See, I knew my yoga studio
wasn't washing their mats properly.
I stayed late one time
and watched them flip 'em over.
Don't worry about it.
It's actually fairly common.
I'm just gonna write you a prescription
for anti-fungal cream.
It should clear up in a few weeks.
Fungal infection on Valentine's Day.
[chuckling] Very sexy.
Do you have any plans tonight?
[McEnroe] Nalini had completely forgotten
about Valentine's Day.
She had always considered it
a stupid holiday.
But now with Mohan gone,
it felt different.
No.
Mohan, no.
We agreed last year
no Valentine's Day gifts.
This is different. You'll like it.
I spent hardly any money.
[sentimental music playing]
You got me a bobblehead of you?
Yeah.
Now you can knock me around
when I'm being hardheaded.
Did you give yourself a stronger jaw?
Well
Maybe.
[Nalini chuckles]
[sighs] Nope.
No Valentine's Day plans
other than tending to the many
demanding people in my household
who drain me of my money and energy.
Well, you should still celebrate.
Hey, you need to carve out
some fun time for you.
Every day.
I already do that for six hours
every night when I'm asleep.
That's not what I mean.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
Let's have a gals hang.
Oh. Uh
I don't think I can.
Just really busy.
Sorry.
Okay, no worries.
But I'm gonna leave you my number
just in case you change your mind.
- [Tracey] Dr. Vishwakumar.
- [Nalini] Mm-hmm.
Your mother-in-law's on the phone.
She's accidentally locked herself
in the garage again.
She said it's no rush,
but the stove is on.
[Mr. Shapiro] Good morning, students.
Who knows what this is?
That's a 34C, front clasp, demi-cup.
No, Trent. This is oppression.
Uh, they used to be made
of more flammable materials.
The point is,
we are starting our unit
on the women's rights movement,
and it will take us all the way
till the end of the year.
We're studying the women's rights movement
for the next four months?
What about Watergate?
What about Iran-Contra? What about 9/11?
Uh, would you like to tell
the women in this classroom
that those events mean more to you
than their rights?
We need to know other things
for the AP test.
Reclaiming my time.
The first assignment.
I need all of you to break up into groups
and rewrite the Bill of Rights
as if it were written,
not by Founding Fathers
but instead by Founding Mothers.
Can you believe this?
This is why we need real textbooks.
Well, according to you,
I don't read books.
So I guess I'm cool with it.
[students murmuring]
Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Yeah, actually.
My superhot boyfriend. Mm-hmm.
And he's a real psycho, so
- Damn. The cute ones are always taken.
- [Devi] Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
How's your Valentine's Day going?
It was good at the start,
and then I got Eric
on the compatibility quiz.
Mm. He's not so bad.
He's always the first to notice
when I get a new haircut.
I guess.
I just kind of wanted
to get my smokeshow boyfriend,
but apparently the computer feels
like he's out of my league.
Okay. First of all,
you're my smokeshow girlfriend.
And secondly,
the computer thinks
you're exactly in my league.
[McEnroe] Hallelujah.
Who cares if Devi's perfect match was Eric
as long as Paxton's perfect match was her?
According to Nobel scientists,
she was basically the only one
in the whole world for him.
So suck on that, Haley.
- [fire whooshes]
- [yelps]
Oh, it seems as if it is still flammable.
Everyone out!
Men and teachers last.
[students murmuring]
Yo, babe. [exhales]
I have an amazing Valentine's plan.
Picture this, candlelight dinner.
You, me, my Uncle Joe.
Wear something sexy.
Yeah. Um, Trent, I think we should talk.
Oh wow.
Anytime someone says that to me,
it always means great news.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Well, I don't think I can come
to Valentine's with your Uncle Joe.
Why? Is it because
he hogs the crescent rolls?
Or are you worried he's gonna try
to put you in one of his TV commercials?
One of his, 'scuse me, whats?
His commercials.
He owns a chain of blinds stores.
Chances are you've seen them
while pumping gas.
Wait. Is your Uncle Joe Captain Joe,
the pirate who makes high prices
walk the plank?
That's him. Yeah,
whenever we have dinner together,
he always ropes everyone at the table
into being in his next commercial.
Oh, wow.
But we could always
just go out to a restaurant.
No, I'll be there.
Valentine's Day is about family.
Thanks for reminding me of that.
[both chuckle]
[Ben] Hey.
Something wrong?
You kinda bit my head off back there.
Yeah. Well, I didn't love
the way you talked to me earlier.
That little library card remark
was messed up.
Aneesa, I was just teasing.
It was just a joke.
Was it a joke?
You seem genuinely embarrassed by me.
Of course, I'm not embarrassed of you.
You're amazing,
and pretty, and cool, and fun.
So what if you don't know
who some dumb author is.
I don't expect you
to know everything that I know.
There it is. Right there.
You're so condescending.
[inhales deeply] You know what?
Hmm. Think I'm gonna take
a rain check on Valentine's dinner.
What? Aneesa, wait.
Oh, come on. I didn't mean it like that.
[sighs]
- [door closes]
- [faucet running]
[smacks lips]
Here we are again
in the old bathroom. [chuckles]
Yeah. Um, Fabiola, about that.
I'm really sorry I kissed you.
Can we just forget about it?
Yeah. Yeah, no problem.
I'm I'm still getting over Eve, so
consider it forgotten.
Thank you.
Good talk.
- [somber music playing]
- [door opens, closes]
Whoa! Is that homemade rigatones with
[imitating Italian accent] mozzarella?
Yep, as long as you count
microwaving a Stouffer's as homemade.
I did cut that sprig of parsley
and put it on there.
[clicks tongue] Uh, I think that's mint.
Nice, refreshing. [chuckles]
[Devi] Hmm.
Look at us. You know, at first glance,
we probably seem like a real odd couple.
Because, you know,
you're Paxton Hall-Yoshida.
And I'm just, ugh,
nerdy little me with no abs.
What? Don't talk about yourself like that.
Come on, you're awesome.
You're beautiful. You're smart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying,
despite that, those MIT scientists
know what they're talking about.
- We're really good together.
- Totes. Just like marinara and mint.
Sure, or things that more classically
go together. [chuckles]
But anyway, we're a good team.
- Yeah, we are a good team.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, speaking of teams,
I'm gonna play paintball tomorrow
with a bunch of dudes. Wanna come?
I absolutely do not.
But yet again,
I love that we like different things,
because per the computer,
opposites attract.
They sure do.
Happy Valentine's Day, Devi.
Oh, shit.
I totally forgot.
I bought fancy Parm for this.
Not even the green can.
It's like a little brick I have to grate.
So, BRB. [chuckles]
[McEnroe] Devi was finally at peace
in her relationship.
And though the bar was low,
she was having
the most romantic meal of her life.
All she had to do now was lean back
and wait for her chiseled,
doting boyfriend
to bring her freshly grated cheese and
lie to her frickin' face.
- What the hell?
- [sighs]
Cheers to my most romantic
Valentine's Day dinner yet.
- Eye contact.
- Mmm. Sure.
Eye contact. Eleanor, eye contact.
Yep. [chuckles]
So, Captain Joe.
You know, I'm a big fan.
I love the commercial
where you slash prices and some blinds
with your hook hand.
Thanks. Actually, I didn't mean
to rip those blinds in half,
but we forgot to roll sound
on the other take, so
The performances are phenomenal.
Where do you find the actors?
Mmm Mostly family dinners.
Oh, hey, you know, Eleanor is an actor.
- [chuckles]
- A really good one.
Well, if you want,
you can play a salty sea wench.
In your next commercial?
Yeah, sure.
[inspirational music playing]
Oh my God.
I'm a working actor.
I'm a working actor. Thank you so much.
Yeah, anything for someone
who makes my nephew here so happy.
Oh, not even weed makes me this happy.
- [sighs]
- [chuckles sheepishly]
Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.
[sighs]
[door opens]
Oh, Devi. Hi. Hey, do you want
to have a little bit of dinner with me?
Your grandmother's having Galentine's
with one of her cliques,
and believe I saw your cousin sneak
into your teacher's crappy little Honda.
Uh, no, thanks. I already ate.
I'm just gonna go up to my room.
Uh, I have a big test tomorrow.
[McEnroe] As Nalini envisioned her night
watching a Hallmark movie
with an inanimate object,
she started to entertain the possibility
that she might need
to broaden her social horizons.
[Nalini] Hi, Rhyah! Still free tomorrow?
This is Nalini Vishwakumar.
[McEnroe] Devi hadn't mentioned the card
to Paxton,
instead she had spent
the rest of dinner pretending to be happy,
like I did when I got runner-up
at Wimbledon in 1980.
Not doing a great job there, bud.
Wow, you really weren't lying
about the Parmesan.
- It's delicious.
- I know, right?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
I sure can trust you
when it comes to cheese.
[sighs]
[McEnroe] But obviously
Devi was spiraling.
Why did Paxton lie to her?
And, more importantly,
was his perfect match
who she thought it was?
[sighs]
[upbeat music playing]
Eric, we need to talk about
the compatibility quiz. I know you got me.
Shh! Keep it down.
You trying to ruin my rep, dork?
Excuse me, nerd?
I've spent the last two years
trying to date someone who's hot
and become popular,
so that I'm not just the kid
who lost his dad
[McEnroe] Damn. Maybe they were alike.
at Disneyland.
I had to wait for him
near the security desk.
Oh my God.
[McEnroe] Ugh. This kid.
Well, I know Paxton made you trade cards
with him. So tell me who he got.
- Hmm. Interesting. What's it worth to ya?
- Just give me the card, Eric.
Oh, you mean this card?
Well, it is gonna cost you big time.
Haley.
Damn it.
No, I don't. No! I never said that.
- Is she laughing? That's five bucks then.
- [Haley] I'm not laughing.
[scoffs]
How'd the rest of your Valentine's go?
Did you break up with
Ah! My boyfriend.
I'm gonna take that as a no.
No, I didn't break up with him.
Instead, I used him to get to his uncle.
I'm gonna need you to elaborate on that.
His uncle's Captain Joe.
The blinds guy?
Yep, and I weaseled my way
into one of his commercials.
Oh my God, Eleanor,
you're gonna be in a commercial?
Yeah, but I feel really gross about it.
So what are you gonna do?
I think I have
to let both Trent and the commercial go.
Maybe one of these days
I'll meet someone who's right for me,
whose uncle also makes commercials.
And so Eric shows me Paxton's card,
and it's frigging Haley.
Are you worried that something
is going on between them?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
It's just Why else would he lie?
Well, it was wrong for Paxton
to be dishonest.
But why do you care so much
about this test?
It's just
when I see him talking to Haley,
I feel really jealous.
They look so good together.
Like, no one would bat an eye
if you said that they were a couple.
And you think you and Paxton
are getting tons of eye bats?
I can't help but worry
that this is some weird phase for him
where he dates a quirky, smart girl.
And at any moment, he's gonna be like,
"Yo, you know what I miss?"
"Superhot models with six-pack abs
and, like, symmetrical boobs."
[laughs]
First of all, girl,
nobody has symmetrical boobs.
Everybody's got a Biggie and a Smalls.
And secondly, that way of thinking
is selling you both short.
- Like, look at this girl.
- Do I have to?
[Devi] Yes. Look at her stories.
Here she is doing
a cool dance, ironically. [scoffs]
And here she is doing Pilates.
Probably without even queefing.
- And here she is playing paintball.
- [Haley laughing]
Wait, she's playing paintball?
Doc, I gotta go.
Devi, don't. Let's work through this.
Devi, don't go
[sighs]
Shit.
[mouth full] Mmm, an açaí bowl.
I never had one of these before.
- Really?
- [Nalini] Mm-mm.
Oh, açaí bowls are great.
They're loaded with antioxidants, fiber.
They boost brain function.
But really, they're just a way to eat tons
of sugar and pretend it's healthy for you.
- [Nalini chuckles]
- [Rhyah laughs]
You sound like my husband.
He had a huge sweet tooth.
One time he had three Pizookies.
That's a cookie the size of a pie.
Got very sick to the stomach.
But even in severe abdominal pain,
he was still able to make me laugh.
[chuckles]
I'm sorry, Nalini.
Must be really difficult without him.
Yesterday was harder
than I expected, you know.
I always thought Valentine's Day
was stupid, but last night
[inhales deeply]
I would've given anything for him
to walk through the door
with a $5 teddy bear from the gas station.
I wish you could've had that too.
Saw a picture of him in your office.
Good for you, girl.
[both laugh]
- He was nice to look at, wasn't he?
- [Rhyah] Mmm.
But that's not what I miss most about him.
I truly just miss having
my best friend around.
Well, it sounds like a new friend
is just what's needed.
Let's do something fun.
Have you ever had a blowout?
I fear this açaí bowl may lead to one.
[laughs]
No. No, no. I meant your hair.
There's a blow-dry bar over there.
- No, please. [chuckles]
- [Rhyah laughs]
- I'm so embarrassed.
- [laughs]
Sounds like fun.
What up? Let's get our P-ball on.
Hey, I didn't think you wanted to play.
I changed my mind.
As I always say,
a couple that shoots guns together
has funs together
- [paintball gun fires]
- Ah!
Wow, that is a sensitive trigger.
[chuckles] Dope.
Well, we already picked teams,
but Trent's team is down a person.
Oh. Yeah. Sure. I'll be on Trent's team.
All right, cool. Let's go!
Welcome to the squad, Crazy Devi.
Okay, I've given it some thought,
and here's our strategy.
If you see someone on the other team,
shoot paintballs at them,
and then the second part
of that strategy is
don't let them shoot paintballs
that hit you.
Oh, and be careful
'cause Haley's a sick shot.
[scoffs] How good could she be?
- Jesus.
- Yeah, she and Paxton are gonna smoke us.
Oh, which reminds me.
I'm gonna get high before we do this.
[McEnroe] As Devi looked over
at the so-called perfect match
of Haley and Paxton,
she realized she had let this dumb
compatibility test mess with her head,
and the only way to go forward
was to let the test go.
But also, she decided the only way
she could let the test go
is if she kicked Haley's ass at paintball
proving that she was
Paxton's true perfect match.
What? You thought
she was gonna be mature about this?
- ["Not About You" by Haiku Hands playing]
- [paintball guns firing]
It's not about you ♪
All talk, hold court
Oh Lord, I understood ♪
[groans]
[gasps] Wow. Am I amazing at this?
[paintball gun firing]
Shut up ♪
It's not about me either ♪
- [paintball gun firing]
- Ow.
Chill ♪
It's not about you, shut up ♪
It's not about me either ♪
It's us versus the grim reaper ♪
- [paintball gun firing]
- [groans]
Oh, I bruise so easily. [exhales]
I'm gonna ♪
I'm gonna ♪
It's not about you ♪
I'ma kick your arse ♪
I'ma kick your arse ♪
I'ma kick your arse ♪
If you don't drop the facade
I said I'll hit the mark on the head ♪
I said
I'll bring you back from the dead ♪
I did all that while you were in bed ♪
And still had time
To set the next trend ♪
It's not about you ♪
- On your knees.
- What?
Bet you thought you could beat me, huh?
I might not be as cute as you
or as limber as you,
and my hair might not be
as shiny as yours,
but I do have determination and grit
like the noble cockroach.
I don't know what's happening.
But could you shoot me so I can be out
of the game and get a soda?
Okay, I'm gonna shoot you
when I'm good and ready to [groans]
[paintball gun firing]
- Yes! Blue team wins. Let's go!
- [Haley] Whoo!
- Whoo!
- [laughs, claps]
Yeah!
Aneesa. Neese, wait.
You have to talk to me.
I know that I messed up,
and I was a dick. I'm really sorry.
Yeah, I don't think this is working out.
What? No. Why?
I don't think you respect me.
And you make me feel stupid,
and I'm not stupid.
I deserve someone who's excited
to be with me just as I am
and who doesn't wish I was someone else.
[somber music playing]
Shit. Why are you in every room I enter?
I don't know the answer to that.
Um, I can go, though.
[sniffling]
- [sobbing softly]
- Wait. Are you okay?
[sighs]
Ben and I just broke up.
Oh.
I I'm really sorry, Aneesa.
[sighs] It was for the best.
He wasn't really right for me.
So I guess the test was wrong for you.
[chuckles] No. No.
I lied about getting Ben.
- I actually got a random freshman.
- [chuckles]
[chuckles]
Listen, I am sure
you will find another great guy soon.
Or, you know, a great girl
if kissing me wasn't a fluke.
I'm sure the right person is out there.
[chuckles gently]
[McEnroe] Even though the conversation
had some mixed signals,
Fabiola felt good about it.
It was a start.
Well, in the meantime,
I'm here if you want to talk.
Thanks, Fabiola.
You're a good friend.
[boy] Watch it, dude.
[Paxton] Nice job, Haley.
I can't believe you shot me.
You saw Haley and I sitting there,
and you shot me, and I'm your girlfriend.
She was on my team.
And I thought we were a team.
- What is going on with you?
- I know you lied.
I know you got Haley on the test,
and you lied to me. Why?
I don't know. Maybe because
I thought you might take it badly
if you knew I got Haley.
Why would you think that?
Well, because of how you're acting
right now.
And also you've been really weird
since Haley and I became friends again,
even though you're the one
who made me apologize.
Sorry, but she's so beautiful
and good with guns,
and could be Lara Croft for Halloween.
How am I supposed to compete with that?
You don't.
Haley and I are just friends.
I'm with you.
I know, but I don't understand why.
Why what?
Why I'm with you? Because I like you.
Yeah, but why?
No one else thinks we make any sense.
No, you don't think we make any sense.
[sighs] Because when we walk
down the halls,
I know what everyone's thinking.
"Oh, why is he with her?
He's too good for her."
Who cares what people think?
I think you're good enough for me.
But I can't keep trying
to convince you of that.
What does that mean?
Look, Devi, I-I really like you, but
I-I don't think
we can have a real relationship
until you like yourself.
[somber song playing]
I'm sorry.
I'll burn down ♪
And sleep in the warm ashes
On the ground ♪
Whoa, Eleanor!
Are you here to play paintball too?
Weird. I wouldn't have pegged that
as one of your interests.
It's not, Trent. I wanted to talk to you.
- Well, then it's good I was here also.
- Uh-huh.
Let me just dive in. There's something
I have to confess to you.
I used you
to get into your uncle's commercial.
I was gonna break up with you,
and then you told me about it,
and I deployed my incredible acting skills
to manipulate you.
But I won't take the commercial,
and you'll never have to see me again.
We have a lot of classes together.
Okay, well, yeah, you'll see me in those.
But I can wear my veil if that would help.
Eleanor, I knew you were gonna dump me.
I'm not a great boyfriend.
I've been told by many guidance counselors
that I'm clinically immature.
- I actually manipulated you.
- What?
I dangled Uncle Joe in front of you
like a carrot in front of a person
who really likes carrots.
I knew his Hollywood connections
would make you stay with me.
Wait, so we deceived each other
to get what we wanted?
Oh my God.
We're like a real celebrity couple.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
I really like you, Eleanor.
I know it seems like I'm knee-deep
in tang twenty-four-sevskies, but
you're actually my first girlfriend,
and I'm a little insecure about that.
[redeeming music playing]
Devi. Guess what?
I did a gal pal hang today.
Please check out my blowout.
I look like a newswoman.
Yeah. That That's great, Mom.
Is everything okay?
Y-Yeah. Um, I just didn't do well
on that test I told you about earlier.
[stomping foot]
Devi.
What actually happened?
Is this about a boy?
Even though I won't let you date,
I do care if you're heartbroken.
[sniffling]
Yeah. It's about a boy.
And I really, really liked him.
Come here.
[sobbing]
["Before the Fall" by Afternoon Bike Ride
and Ryan Hemsworth]
[sniffling]
Once upon a time
A songbird flew away for good ♪
Every melody went unheard
In a concrete world ♪
Now her joyful hum
Echoes through trees ♪
That used to grow
Where they've paved in the street ♪
Winter's cloak covered
The tracks of the tyrants ♪
Spring couldn't bring on
The promise of June ♪
With no voice to sing
And nothing to bloom ♪