NewsRadio (1995) s03e03 Episode Script

Yo, Joe? [DRILLING.]
Yeah? When you gonna fix my phone? In a minute.
I'm kinda busy.
Okay, it's an emergency though, because it rings, but every time I pick it up, the line is totally dead.
Yeah.
There's no incoming calls.
We're losing them all.
And I can't dial out.
Sounds like you should call the manufacturer.
You know, I would do that, Joe, but as per my previous remarks, [LIKE RECORDED VOICE.]
I can't even dial out.
Mm.
That sucks for you, huh? I'm busy.
I got a lotta stuff I gotta do, okay? What are you do--? Hey, Catherine.
How you doing? Look, I fixed your desk.
Yeah, great.
Thanks, Joe.
What was wrong with it? Well, you know how sometimes you wanna open up your drawer, but you just don't have time to reach over and do it by hand? Well, check this out.
[WHIRS.]
Well, that's very weird.
But thank you.
You're welcome.
You're fixing Catherine's desk because you like her.
Shut up.
Ha You have a crush on Catherine.
[GIGGLES.]
You love her.
[LAUGHS.]
You lo-o-ove her.
I don't lo-o-ove anybody.
Maybe if I fix Catherine's desk, she'll marry me.
And then we can have little Catherine and Joe babies, and they can run around fixing things.
Oh, you're a freak.
Oh, thanks again, Joe.
What do I owe you? Uh, depends on what you got.
What? Well, you know, I was just thinking, maybe sometime you and I could, uh, get together and, uh, have you know Dinner? Sex.
Then I'll take that as a maybe.
Hm.
Oh, thumbtacks.
Oh, oh, oh.
[.]
I'm sorry, Dave, but a budget is a budget is a budget, to paraphrase, uh-- Gertrude Stein.
What? Yeah-- "A rose is a rose is a rose.
" That's very pretty, Dave.
Can we get back to the budget? I mean, we are way, way over budget.
I know.
I know, sir.
Now, I gotta cut somewhere.
I know.
It seems to me the obvious cut-- I know, I know.
Cut out the free snacks for the break room.
The sad fact is, WNYX is the only division of Jimmy James, Inc.
that was in the red last year.
I know, but surely the other divisions earn enough money that it evens out.
No, that's not how it works.
No? Well, how does it work? Well Look at Disney.
You know, if Hunchback of Notre Dame was running a deficit, you think Mickey Mouse would jump in there and bail him out? Hell no.
Well, what about Scrooge McDuck? He's the one with all the money.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Ducks, uh Ducks hate hunchbacks.
So I assume they're just staying together for the kids.
What? Uh, never mind.
Yeah.
Sir, do you have any idea how it's gonna affect staff morale if I cut the snack budget? Oh, hell, Dave, if I raised the budget every time morale got low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving solid-gold Cadillacs by now.
All right, all right.
All right, snacks are gone.
Okay.
And I'm sorry, Dave.
You know I hate being the bad guy.
I know.
it's just part of your job.
No, it's part of your job.
Great.
So I get to be the bad guy again.
Okay.
Would you rather have me do it? Yes.
Too bad.
No dice.
What are you worried about here, son? Well, I don't know.
I guess, I-- I cut the snacks, the staff are angry with me.
They go to Bill.
Bill who whips them into a frenzy.
And because they're weak and lightheaded from the lack of snack food, that frenzy turns into a full-scale revolt-- Stop it.
Will you relax? You got more paranoid fantasies than Stephen King on crack.
These people-- These people love you, Dave.
And none more so than Bill.
What I'm talking about is a full-scale revolt.
Dave's gone too far this time.
Imagine an office without snacks.
Oh, my God.
You guys, I got something.
What is it? Uhit's piece of gum I left in the fridge.
I forgot about it.
A frozen piece of chewed-up gum How long has that been in there? [CRACK.]
I would say, like August '95.
People, we should be working, enjoying the free snacks provided by our employer.
Not foraging for frozen morsels, like the members of some icebound Brazilian soccer team.
Uh, in England, they call soccer football.
Good point.
This may come as a surprise today, but slavery was abolished in this country-- No offense, Catherine.
Why would I be offended by slavery being abolished? I don't know.
I just like to cover my bases.
And it's not just the snacks.
I meanlook what's happened to our smoking lounge.
Oh, that's your smoking lounge, Bill.
I'm still very against that.
Whatever.
I can remember when there were comfortable chairs out there.
Maybe you shouldn't have stolen the comfortable chairs for your den at home.
Whatever.
The point is we can't let Dave get away with this.
Revolution? Yes.
Um Oh, I'm-- What am I--? I mean-- I actually-- I just got here.
What's up, guys? Look, Dave is just doing his job.
So was Genghis Khan.
The Wrath of Khan.
BILL: Right.
LISA: All right, I know you guys are upset, but I think my personal relationship with Dave ethically precludes me from further involvement in this conversation.
Sorry.
Aha.
That's what Captain Kirk would have said.
What? I mean, I agree with you all in principle.
It's just that seeing as-- As Dave and I-- Do it? Are romantically-- Doing it? Sleeping together I don't think I can take either side in this mini-revolution.
Hm.
Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington.
Bill, you've really gotta stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.
Okay, people, I don't see what the kings of England have to do with the fact that we are virtually gumless.
You know, I just-- I really want-- Save it.
Hey.
Well Now that Mata Hari is gone, what's it going to be, people? Are we gonna sit here and do nothing? Or are we going to confront Dave and win back the dignity and snacks we so richly deserve? BETH: I know what we can do.
We give him a list of demands, like those guys in that movie.
That doesn't work unless you shoot a hostage every hour to let him know you're serious.
Um, I'm not willing to do that.
It's better if we pick one specific issue and not back down.
Like Custer, we will make our last stand.
Wasn't Custer massacred? Big Chief Custer? No.
He killed many paleface that day.
I'll tell you what I'm willing to be the one to lay my ass on the line and go down to Pharaoh's Cave and tell him what's what.
I only ask that when the time comes, you all stand behind me.
MATTHEW: Yes.
Well, I never thought I'd be standing behind you, Bill, but I'm in.
I'm in.
Yeah, me too.
Me three.
Your show of faith touches me deeply.
I swear to you, I will not let you down.
I will not rest until the revolution is complete.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have a traffic and weather update to do.
Uh, Catherine, I just wanna apologize for what I said earlier.
So I took the liberty of installing these.
What are these, anyway? TV monitors.
Oh, so I can watch TV on this.
No.
You know how sometimes you wanna know what's in your drawer, but you don't feel like opening them? Well, I put little cameras in each drawer.
Now, if you want to know what's in there, you just look up at the monitor.
Paper clips.
I have those.
Well, what do you think, huh? Useless.
But sweet.
Apology accepted.
Thanks.
And I was thinking, maybe we could, uh, get together sometime and have dinner.
No thanks, Joe.
All right, then we'll just cut straight to the sex.
Someone pass the salt? Okay.
I saw this coming.
Bill's organized a bit of a rebellion, hasn't he? Now he's gonna burst out of the booth, come down here and say Dave, speaking on behalf of the rest of the staff, I've got to tell you, this crisis has reached its saturation point.
CATHERINE: That's right.
I completely agree with you, Bill, and I intend to keep fighting this with Mr.
James.
Yay.
Oh.
We are really fed up with this kind of treatment, and we're not going to let you get away with it.
I just said I agree with you.
We know what you said, Mr.
Company Man.
We're just not going to buy your jive anymore.
We have certain demands.
That's it.
That's right.
Uh-huh.
So Spartacus here speaks for everyone? Yes, Dave, I am Spartacus.
And so is Matthew.
Right, Matthew? [URGENTLY.]
Matthew! [SIGHS.]
I am Spartacus.
BILL: Beth! I am "Sparcatus" too.
BILL: There are certain bare necessities we require-- Nay, demand.
--in order to continue functioning as productive workers.
BETH: That's right.
Such as? A reclining chair for our smoking area.
Excuse me? You heard us.
We demand a fully reclining, electronic leather massage chair for the smoking area.
Okay.
And all of you support him in this? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I'll consider it.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Yeah.
Man, are you crazy? This was supposed to be about snacks, Bill.
And gum.
We didn't do this for some stupid chair.
It's symbolic.
Do you think the Pilgrims really cared about all the tea they dumped into Baltimore Harbor? He is right, you guys.
He's right.
Well, sir, are you going to pay for our chair or not? Of course not.
Fine.
If you won't pay, we'll pay for it ourselves.
Good for you all.
I'll be in my office.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Are you insane? No.
He is.
And we'll make him even crazier when we buy that chair.
Come on, people, it's only 400 bucks each.
Oh, God, what? Four hundred dollars? Bill, if I spend $400 on a chair, I would have to eat it.
You can't sell out the revolution.
A terrible wrong must be righted.
Man, I just wanted some Fritos.
You're nuts.
You traitors.
Dave is the oppressor.
Havana fell because of people like you.
I'll pitch in for the revolution, Bill.
Thank heaven there's still someone willing to fight injustice in this world.
No kidding.
[SIGHS.]
Now, let's see The chair costs $2,000.
Since there's only two of us, that makes your share $1,200.
No, it-- It should be a thousand, right? You'd better get yourself a calculator, my friend.
Well, anyways, I've only got 80, so I guess I-- I'll take it.
Yo, Catherine.
Check it out.
I got a new thing for you.
You ready? You're gonna love it.
You ready? Check this out.
Desk, turn on lamp.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pretty cool, huh? Huh? But wait, there's more.
Ready for this? Desk, open drawers.
Is that cool? Is that cool? Is that cool? Okay.
Yeah, that's cool.
Huh? Yeah, that is.
Okay, that is actually cool.
Yeah.
Pretty cool? [LAUGHS.]
And this thing will open all the drawers? All of them, except the ones you're wearing, unfortunately.
She digs me.
What? What are you doing? What's going on? What? What? Joe, sit down.
[SIGHS.]
Joe, if you like Catherine, why don't you just tell her? I am, in my own way.
Can you just--? Can you think of something more simple and honest to say? I thought I was.
No, why don't you just say: "Catherine, I think you're really special, and I want to spend some time with you.
" Okay, that sounds like a Barry White album, but the thing is-- Do you get Lisa's point? "I'd like to spend some time with you"? Yeah.
Are you kidding me? If my buddies heard me say that, I'd never hear the end of it.
Your buddies aren't here.
That must be what's throwing me off.
Because I've never really hit on a girl without my buddies around.
Right.
The other thing is, it's not just what you say, or the words or anything, it's how you treat a woman.
I treat them great.
You know how many girls I've hooked up with free cable? Free cable, no charge, all right.
Fix their stereo, rewire their car I mean, a lot of ladies dig a guy who knows how to use a set of alligator clamps.
Who told you about that? LISA: What? What? What? What did he say? What are you talking about? No.
I'll tell you-- I'll tell you later.
Okay.
So you guys think I have a shot? LISA & BETH: No.
So why are you trying to help me out? I don't know, Joe.
I guess we care about you.
That's true.
Well, if you cared about me, then you'd really help me out.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What? Oh, right.
Thank you, boys.
Here you go.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Here it is, The personal shiatsu massager chair.
Observe.
It can pinpoint any part of the back.
It can seek out and soothe over 16 tension-easing pressure points.
It has shiatsu mode.
Swedish mode.
And weekend in Thailand.
Ho-ho-ha.
Oh, yeah.
That looks like fun.
That looks like fun.
Can I try? I'm glad you asked, Catherine, because, no.
None of you ingrates will ever set butt in this chair.
So get out! Go back to your non-smoking area, you traitors.
You can sit on the floor, for all I care.
Bill, it is completely-- Begone! [LAUGHS.]
Mm.
Ah The two most exquisite pleasures known to modern man Tobacco and whatever it is this thing is doing to my pelvis.
Bill, you know, I was, uh I was faithful to the revolution, right? Yes, you were.
So I get to sit in the chair, right? No, you can't.
It can be dangerous for the uninitiated.
I think you better watch me for a while first.
Oh.
That's a good idea.
So, what's it like? I can't even tell you.
You're not ready.
Well, we sure showed Dave though, didn't we? Next we're gonna force him to give us back those free snacks, huh? What? Free snacks.
I'm not hungry right now, thanks.
Now, partial ownership of the chair carries with it certain responsibilities.
For example, you'll have to guard it when I'm not sitting in it.
To make sure no one else uses it.
Oh, can do, can do.
Oh, when I'm guarding it, then-- I ca-- I can sit in it then, right? [CHAIR HUMMING.]
I mean-- I'll be the-- Oh, Bill? [SNORING.]
Hm.
DAVE: Well, sir Yeah.
As I predicted, we have something of a mutiny on our hands.
Oh, yeah.
You are completely under siege.
It's like that guy in that, uh-- That movie.
What's it called? Under Siege? No.
Under Siege 2? Uh-uh.
Under Siege 3? That's the one.
You know, I don't think they made Under Siege 3.
Hey, I can dream, can't I? Look, I think what these people really need is some free snacks.
Yeah, I thought you said it was important that ducks not bail out hunchbacks.
I swear to God, I have no idea what he's talking about.
Me neither.
Well, then let me distill my thesis to its essence: I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
Okay.
Okay.
That is beside the point.
What is important now is that, you know, I go give these people their snacks back.
No-- No you don't.
What? No, I am gonna give them back their snacks.
LISA: He's right, Mr.
James.
I mean, everybody hates Dave now, and if you waltz in-- What? Figure of speech.
And if you waltz in there like some kind of snack hero, they're just gonna love you and hate him even more.
Yeah.
Hate's an exaggeration, right? Okay, fine.
DAVE: I mean, for me.
Fine, fine.
You want me to be the hard-ass? That's fine.
You know, for this time-- This time only, you can be the hero, and I'll pretend to be the bad guy.
No, you are the bad guy.
It's wonderful when perception meets reality, isn't it? Beth, call a staff meeting.
Sound good to you? Oh, sir, despite my earlier remarks, I really cannot get involved.
The ethical dilemmas in general-- Thanks, college.
No one really cares.
Let's go.
All right, um I know that everyone is upset about losing the free snacks.
So I've called this meeting so we can talk to Mr.
James directly about it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, but Uh, I'm gonna warn you [ACTING ANGRY.]
I'm gonna be a real hard-ass about this, Dave.
Sir, I-I really do think we should increase the budget so that we can provide free snacks for the staff.
[ACTING ANGRY.]
No! No way! You are insane! Sir I really do believe that they deserve-- Uh-uh! Forget it, buddy! I am out of here! [SLAMS DOOR.]
Excuse me.
So how was I? You were great.
It's the pictures that got small.
Think I ought to tone it down a little, huh? Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Now, you-- You ready? Yeah.
No, wait.
Hold on.
What? What? What? What's wrong? I'm getting my character.
Okay, I got it.
Let's go.
[EXAGGERATING.]
Jesus, Dave! You didn't have to be so rough with me in there, gosh.
BETH: Dave, did you hit Mr.
James? CATHERINE: Jimmy, are you all right? Look, no, I did not hit Mr.
James.
I just made my point clearer.
[EXAGGERATING.]
So you're really making a stand on this thing, Dave? Yes, sir.
I believe my staff deserves it.
Okay, then You win.
Snacks for everybody.
And gum too.
No way! Now, sir-- [ACTING SCARED.]
Okay! Okay! Gum too! Dave.
Dave.
[MURMURING.]
Well, Dave, it's all good fun for you to play the hero.
What, with your little snack thing and all.
But I have an announcement that will really make people happy.
I've decided to let all of you sit in my massage chair.
Bill.
Bill.
Bill.
Bill.
Now, I've drawn up a chair-sitting schedule, so if any of you would like to choose your 10-minute slots, and Hey, come back here! [MOANING.]
[GIGGLING.]
Be careful with her.
[POPPING.]
[GASPS.]
[ECHOING.]
No! Get away from my desk.
And get all this crap off here.
I don't want you touching my desk ever again.
You got it? I have had it with you, Joe.
[SIGHS.]
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Catherine? Who's that? Your desk.
And what do you want? Joe likes you.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah! That is the saddest pickup artist I have ever seen.
I know.
I tried to coach him, but it didn't do any good.
No? I'll just try to give him the hint, he should give up.
Well, I didn't say that.
Oh, my God.
You like him.
[LAUGHS.]
You love him.
[GIGGLES.]
You lo-o-ove [LAUGHS.]
DESK: Beth? Yeah.
Leave Catherine alone.
[WHINES.]
We got Swedish mode, shiatsu mode, and, of course, Batmobile mode.
[LAUGHS.]
Mm-hm.
MAN: Cut.
MAN 2: Perfect.
You got it.
MAN 1: Can we try it again, please? JOE: That was tight, man.