Paradise PD (2018) s03e03 Episode Script

1
Let me get this straight, gentlemen.
You want a loan?
Uh no shit, money nerd.
We're wearing our tuxedo, ain't we?
We only got one, so we split it.
Robby got the jacket,
William got the bow tie,
and I got the pants.
- Pretty spiffy, right?
- Whoa!
We don't loan money
to crack-addled rednecks
whose credit score
is literally the poop emoji.
At least that turd's smiling.
Please, sir.
I need this loan to make my daddy proud.
We wanna open our own carnival.
I have 85 dollars in my pocket.
I'll give it to you
if you leave and never come back.
Let me just check with our CFO.
Yep. Mm-hmm. Okay. Right. Mm-hmm.
- What did he say?
- Nothing. He just ate my ear.
But you got yourself a deal.
Oh!
Looks like I left
a little credit score on your chair.
Get out!
- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]
[criminal shouts]
[grunts]
[Gina shouts]
- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]
Oh, come on. The ice maker's broken.
Yuck! Karen, what's up with this ice?
It's all milky.
That's not ice. Remember?
You celebrated Y2K by getting drunk
and jerking off in the ice tray.
Drunk Chief rules!
Wait, do you know what this means?
Dad was right when he said you look
like you'd jerk off in an ice tray?
We can finally have another kid!
You know, I wanted more kids
before Kevin shot my balls off.
I never thought it'd be possible
until right now.
Oh, hell no, Randall!
You were a terrible father
the first time around.
What? Oh, name one example.
[baby crying]
Can I get some help over here?
Whoo! Drunk Chief rules!
Oh, I promise
it'll be different this time.
Come on, honey.
Let's pop this ice tray in the microwave
and load up Kevin's Super Soaker.
What do you say?
You're not getting those cum cubes near me
unless you can prove you've changed.
You have to show me
you can care for a baby
by yourself for 24 hours.
Deal. Slight snag, though.
Where am I gonna find a bald,
toothless, drooling, diaper-wearing
[doorbell rings]
Officer, this man sexually assaulted me.
Are you tired of the mundane
daily grind of life
with your shitty, unfuckable family?
Well, before you suck off a shotgun
bring 'em down
to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival.
We got all the best attractions, like
the bumper nards!
[grunts]
The Tilt-a-Earl!
[kids scream]
My name's Earl.
Don't worry.
I'm not a registered sex offender.
I mean, I'm a sex offender.
I just ain't registered yet.
And the spunk tank.
I want a new job, Robby.
So come on down
to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival,
located on the island of Twatemala.
[Delbert] Not responsible for death,
alligator dismemberment, lockjaw,
unwanted pregnancies, or Earl.
How dare those hicks
open a death trap carnival
without bribing me first!
I want you
to shut those redneck motherfuckers down.
Gina, we should go together as partners.
It'd be like a date, like I dream about.
Not dreams Wet dreams I mean
Not dreams [screams]
Shut up, Kevin!
A carnival? I've never been to a carnival.
I spent my entire childhood
in a coma after my
Can you take that away from him?
[crying]
I'm just gonna put that back.
Ooh! I love carnivals! They so fun!
Ooh, ooh! I gotta find
my funnel cake funnel
to funnel some fucking funnel cakes
into my fat fucking face!
Stand down, Admiral Alliteration.
You are on desk duty for shaking down
that doughnut shop last week.
You are not to leave that desk.
Do you hear me?
[grunts, shits]
Uh, excuse me. I gotta take care of this.
Stop shitting!
Hey, Fritz! Over here!
It's your best friend, Dusty.
Did you just call me Fritz?
You should hear what I call you
when you ain't in the room.
I need you to help me
get to that carnival.
I have a lot of work I need to do.
You know what?
I got a lot of work to do too
'cause I gotta call all them mutants up
and tell 'em you ain't in prison
and give them your address
so they can come and fuck you up
in front of your wife and kid.
You're resorting to blackmail?
Yes, I am. I'm resorting to a black male
to get my ass to the carnival.
How? Chief said you can't leave your desk.
Who says I'm leaving my desk?
Hey, vato! Sweet fat guy desk conversion.
["La Cucaracha" car horn plays]
[whimsical music playing]
[kids scream]
Dear God, this place is
Magical!
I know we're supposed to shut it down,
but can we please just hang out
for a little while and enjoy it together?
Sure, I'd love you.
I'd I'd love to
touch your jiggly butt
and show you my wiener.
Shut up, Kevin!
Are all carnivals this wonderful?
Uh, this one's extra special.
I've never seen a Ferris wheel
made of cardboard liquor boxes before.
Whoops! I spilled my dri [screams]
I really want to win a stuffed animal
because I just broke up with my boyfriend,
and I need something
to rub against my body.
Also, I sleep in the nude,
not even underwear.
What's wrong with my face?
Goddamn carny drugs.
Psst. Hey, gross old carny lady.
I have a name tag, you know.
Roseanne Barr. [shudders]
Hey, how about you let
that pretty little lady win?
Holy shit! Five dollars?
I can finally afford to get
this parasite removed.
Hi. I'm Tom Arnold. Got any coke?
[grunts]
Well, at least I get a lunch break.
Congratulations, you fucking win.
Cool. It comes with cherry ChapStick.
Ain't my carnival great, Daddy?
Well, well, well.
Look who's a highfalutin carny now.
You too good to be a shitpicker
like your old man?
Oh, no, Daddy. It ain't like that.
Every day I break my back
picking through people's shit,
looking for buttons, marbles,
and if God's feeling generous,
maybe even a penny.
My shitpicking put food on the table.
And I love brown corn, Daddy, but
I always assumed
you'd follow in my footsteps.
[flashback music plays]
Ooh-wee, boy. Jackpot.
Half a paper clip.
I can finally finish your braces.
Daddy, look!
I found a diamond ring on the floor.
You put that back. Now, we live by a code.
If they don't shit it, we don't get it.
[grunting]
Ha! Oh, well,
we missed the last paddleboat.
Guess we should pack it in.
I ain't having sex with you.
We are getting me to that carnival,
and I know just how.
Do I really need to wear
this Italian Hamburglar-looking shit?
Yeah, so you look like a real gondolier
when you serenade me.
Ha! Dusty, believe me. I ain't gonna
Hello, Fitz-hating mutants
that want to fuck him up.
[singing "La donna è mobile" in Italian]
That is beautiful.
You know, I was wondering,
what's making us buoyant enough to float?
[farts]
Oh! It was just my belly
full of Arby farts.
Come on, Hopson. Eat the fucking peas.
[whines]
Okay, Hopson. Here comes the airplane
pilot's dick.
[gulps]
[snoring]
Yeah, that was easy.
[lullaby music playing]
Upsy-daisy. [shushes]
There. Hey, this isn't so bad.
Now if I can just make it out
without waking him up.
I can't touch where you poop from,
Mickey Rooney!
Ah!
[moans, lip smacks]
[sighs]
[Hopson grunts]
What the fuck?
Oh, I didn't tell you?
Yeah, I kinda have an ancient blood feud
with a clan of ninjas.
What? If you want him,
you ninjas will have to go through
[screams]
[grunts]
Hey, Carlo, did you happen to see
any ninjas run by?
Oh, shit.
[whimsical music playing]
Maybe it's the oxycotton candy,
but I'm having the best time
with you, Kevin.
I don't know when I last felt this happy.
Hey, look! A house of mirrors!
Look at me. I'm skinny Kevin.
Eeehh!
Check this out.
I'm Chief Crawford.
Blah, blah, blah. My son's a queer.
[chuckles]
Yeah, he does say that.
Gross! I'm almost as fat as Dusty.
Whoa, Kevin! Mama likey. Mama likey mucho.
Mucho in the cucho.
Are you okay, Gina?
You're speaking gibberish.
[grunts]
Sorry. I don't know what came over me.
I should go,
otherwise I might take your clothes off
and smash you so hard,
I break that pelvis.
Wait. No, it's okay! Smash me!
I hate my pelvis!
[Fat Kevin] Way to blow it, bro.
She was juiced and loose, brah.
Fat Kevin would've closed the deal.
Eh. If she wanted it,
she wouldn't have run off like that.
Well, Fat Kevin would have slipped her
a four-inch meat missile.
Four inches? Wow.
This mirror makes everything bigger.
[door opens]
Dude, she's coming back.
That means she wants you. Whip it out.
My junk?
Yes, you butt-nuts. Trust me.
This happens to Fat Kevin all the time.
[shrieks]
Oh no! No, no, no!
You said it was Gina!
[scoffs] I'm not real, you dumb pedo.
Hey, everyone!
This guy wagged his little dingus
at a kid.
Kevin's a queer.
Hey, look at you, Mr. Great Dad.
Yeah, I know. I'm killing it.
I finally figured out
the secret to being a good dad.
Old Spice. Knocked him right out.
- Where's Hopson?
- Hopson?
Oh! Yeah, yeah, he was abducted by ninjas,
so I replaced him with another old weirdo.
NBD. Now if you'll excuse me, Karen,
I have a little parenting to do.
Stop shitting!
I didn't shit till you shook it loose.
[grunts]
Randall, the deal was
you would take care of Hopson.
Parents can't pick and choose
which problems they deal with.
How is a ninja attack any different
than if our new child had an argument
with a classmate?
Well, how is a ripe, juicy peach
different than my asshole?
I mean, yeah, they're both fuzzy, mushy,
and have been explored
by a boy named James.
Okay, bad example.
Sounds like someone doesn't want to cram
frozen cubes of semen into my vagina.
Oh, fine, I'll go rescue Hopson.
But it's gonna mean that I die.
But okay, fucking whatever.
All right, Dusty.
We're right over the island.
Carnival, here I come!
Yes! We almost there!
Whoa! What? No, no, no!
Ain't that some shit?
Oh, Kevin, thank God you're here.
Get this.
Some pervert poked his pants pickle
at poor Petey here.
I I think I'm scarred for life.
Don't you worry.
We are gonna catch this sicko.
Petey didn't see his face,
but he did see his junk.
Luckily,
I am trained as a police sketch artist.
- So, what did it look like?
- It was small.
No, it was way smaller.
Less symmetrical.
Hmm. Still seems too proud.
This pee-pee was hunched over,
like its spirit's been broken.
Are you sure it was that bad?
Yeah.
It was like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Dull and creepy,
with an unnecessary twist at the end.
I I think we got everything
we need on the penis.
You're right. Let's talk about the balls.
If you can even call them that.
Now to take a shower and,
like, clean my body all over.
And then snuggle time.
[door closes]
Holy shit. This is almost too easy.
Ho! Rin Tin! Where the hell you going?
Motherfucker!
You're pretending to be
a stuffed animal too?
Not just me.
We're doing the same shit you are, man.
Did you know she sleeps naked?
Not even underwear.
[chuckles] Yeah, she kinda leads
with that, doesn't she?
You guys hang out in here
all night and day?
Hell yeah, we do.
It's just like Toy Story,
except if all the toys
wanted to fuck Andy in the ass.
So, exactly like Toy Story.
All right, scumbags.
No one leaves this island until I find
the owner of this uniquely weird
and unappealing dick.
I don't know, Gina.
I don't think guys will drop their pants
Not a match, alligator dick, not a match.
Hmm, oh. Okay, okay. That Here we go.
That's a pretty weird wiener.
Narrow at the base, hangs way off-center.
But the head has too many red bumps.
I got bird mites.
We're looking for a flat-out troll penis.
Way more fucked up
than any we've seen so far.
See the sketch? It's like 90% slit.
Oh! Wait, that's not normal?
Hurry up, Fitz. You got one more chance
to get me to that island,
or I'm calling them mutants.
[Fitz] Don't worry. This is foolproof.
Godspeed, Dusty.
[Dusty screams]
Ah, problem solved.
Try calling those mutants from space,
jive-ass motherfucker.
Oh shit. A goddamn ninja army.
If only I could find some way to blend in.
Ooh. Hello.
Cowabunga, dudes.
Say, buddy, where did we stash that
creepy old man-baby weirdo we kidnapped?
Oh shit. Turtle power!
Ha! Suckers!
[gasps] Hopson.
Mitch McConnell?
It's me, asshole.
I'm gonna get you outta here.
[rumbling]
Oh shit.
You shall die a thousand deaths!
[shogun sobbing]
Uh, what's happening?
I have a tale to tell
of honor and heartbreak.
Yeah, I'm kind of in a hurry.
[shogun] I was the greatest samurai
in the empire.
I cut off the heads of 131 enemy lords.
Then I met the most beautiful geisha
I'd ever seen.
[giggling]
That was the night everything changed.
Wait a minute. You're not a woman!
You got a ding-a-ling!
Don't knock it till you try it.
[shogun] And so I did try it.
Many different ways.
Hopson-san taught me so many things.
Many, many dirty things.
Um, please, please stop
telling me this story.
Then Hopson-san left me
and broke my heart.
He never told me why.
Let's just say that egg roll of yours
never quite filled me up.
That's Chinese food. You racist!
You shall pay, Hopson!
[roars]
I'll handle this.
He ain't the only one who learned
ancient Japanese magic, you know.
[screams]
That's your fucking magic?
You turn into a goddamn bonsai tree? I
[scoffs]
Fine.
A father's duty is to protect his child.
If I die, tell my wife
she's a bitch for making me do this.
[Crawford yells]
- [dragon growls]
- [Crawford] Uh-oh. [shrieks]
[Dusty screams]
Dusty, you saved my life!
But you also left your desk.
Three more months of desk duty,
you fat asshole!
Hey, Chief. I soiled myself. You get it?
Stop shitting!
You don't just get to go on the bed
with Krystal, okay?
You gotta wait your turn.
I don't think you understand.
I paid Roseanne Barr five bucks
to get here.
So what? I've been here eight years,
and I still haven't gotten on the bed.
I left my wife and kids
in a rest stop at Albuquerque.
I was
the Republican Senate majority leader.
[bear] Fuck off, McConnell.
You didn't even have to dress up.
Guys, guys, guys, hey, I think
there's an easy way to settle this.
[grunts]
[all grunting]
Huh, I don't remember this room
being such a mess.
Oh well. Time to take off my towel
and be completely naked.
Not even underwear.
Krystal! I'm sorry, baby.
I made a mistake.
I promise to never get a rim job
from a male prostitute
at your mom's funeral again.
Oh, Jammer. You're so good to me.
['70s porn music playing]
[Krystal] Oh! Oh, Jammer! Jam! Oh!
- [Krystal] Jammer! Jam!
- Oh! Ugh!
Did your stuffed animal say something?
No, silly. Come here.
[groans, whimpers]
[Jammer pants] Volcano's rumbling, baby.
It's gonna erupt.
Here comes the hot lava.
[Jammer groans]
Whoo! Whoa! That's messy.
I'ma use this stuffed dog
to clean up my Jammer juice.
Nope. I'm out. Mm-mmm.
Nope. I will not be a cum rag.
[grunts]
Nice job, moron.
Way to fuck it up for all of us.
Well, I guess now
I can go to my daughter's graduation.
[zips up pants]
Well, that's everybody.
None of these penises match the sketch,
which means we know exactly
who the guilty party is.
Petey. Must have made it all up
to get attention.
I guess Fox News was right about victims.
Hey, wait a minute.
You didn't check your partner's pee-pee.
[crowd] Yeah!
Are you insane? Kevin's a cop.
Cops don't commit crimes.
Check his pee-pee! Check his pee-pee!
[crowd] Check his pee-pee!
I will kill
every one of you cop-hating assholes!
No, Gina, don't. It It was my pee-pee.
I made a mistake.
I was in the house of mirrors,
and Petey's reflection looked like like
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm sorry, everybody. I'll turn myself in.
It was a simple house of mirrors mishap.
It wasn't your fault at all.
Exactly?
It was the house of mirrors' fault.
Let's get that sumbitch!
[crowd yells]
Hey! Lumpy Larry just grabbed my ass.
Uh The Ferris wheel made me do it.
[crowd] Kill the Ferris wheel!
That funnel cake stand made me
finger a cat. Mm-hmm.
[crowd] Get that funnel cake stand!
Uh, if I killed my wife,
the whack-a-mole made me do it. [chuckles]
[crowd] Smash it!
Fuck! They know we set up OJ!
Oh! I was really starting to enjoy
that spunk tank too.
I'm sorry, son.
I know how much
that carnival meant to you.
Daddy, don't you see?
It was never about the carnival. Look.
Porta-Potties?
Used Porta-Potties.
So I can be a shitpicker, just like you.
Really? Oh my stars.
I've only seen this much brown gold
in my dreams.
See, Daddy,
I never gave a shit about that carnival.
I gave a carnival about that shit.
I am so proud of you, son.
We're gonna be
the most successful shitpickers on earth!
Really? Are we talking six figures?
No, I'm talking seven figures, Son.
Somebody shit out a whole He-Man play set.
I can't believe it, Randall.
The house is clean. You're baking cookies.
Dare I ask if Hopson is still alive?
Yep. I solved his blood feud,
and the little bugger's
having a playdate right now.
[Karen] Oh, he looks so happy.
You really stepped up, Randall.
Ooh! So does that mean
Let's crack that ice and make a baby.
Where's my ice babies?
Mm. Man, this margarita hits the spot.
I'm loving this pre-salted ice.
Mm. Tastes like Mom's kisses.
Kevin!
- [audience laughs]
- [sit-com music playing]