PhoneShop (2009) s03e03 Episode Script
Pay as You Grow
1 No, innit? Just no.
Nn-nn.
No.
Can you Nn-nn.
Can you do that? No, innit? No.
Nah.
Just no.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Innit.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! What?! It's for charity! What charity? The grow a moustache and look a dickhead charity?! No, not It's all right for you, yeah.
You ain't gotta look at it.
I spent the last month watchin' this bullshit grow, bruv.
Every day, sick! Every fucking day! Yeah, but it's for charity! Listen! It's called charity, not vanity, yeah? Charity ain't about you lookin' good.
Or what you THINK looks good, bruv.
Yeah, I'm jus' like bussin' this for the month, you know It's just like a bit of fun, really.
I fink it looks amazing on you! Oh? Really? I'm just messin' about wiv it, you know! It's just like getting all the money in for all the good causes, cos I'm such a good guy.
I just come so humble, you know! Oh, my god, I think you should keep it! Whoa, really?! You really think so? Yeah, I do! You think it looks good?! Yeah, it looks SO good on you.
Oh, safe, safe! Fuck that! Charity should 'urt bruv.
If it don't 'urt, it ain't charity! You shouldn't be rewarded just cos your hair grows.
It's like takin' a shit and then askin' all your mates for Ð5 sponsorship.
Why? Cos shit falls out your arsehole? "Can I have Ð5, please?! Will you sponsor my stool?" Be a man about your charity, yeah? I am.
Go old school for your charity.
SUFFER for your charity.
Shave your 'ead.
Give away a kidney.
Do a marathon dressed as a waste man.
Walk through the park at midnight in just your bra! But BE a man! I can't take you seriously.
I feel like I'm the one doin' the charity with you sat next to me! Do you know what, bruv? Just go and sit over there.
Just go sit over there, yeah? I can't bear to countenance you right now.
Please move! I will, if you sponsor me.
Really? Really? Right.
Bye.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Know yourself, man.
So, I typed "Please, someone, please, help me, please" into Google and bang! There it was! My life was changed there and then by a simple internet article.
It was The 67 Mistakes That Women Make That Make Them Want To Read Articles On The Internet About How To Change Their Lives and I realised that my problem is that I've been making some VERY bad decisions "viz-a-viz" and "approposs" my lifestyle choices.
Take last Saturday, I spent Ð60 in Maplin's.
Hmm? What's a woman doing in Maplin's? But, I swear, since reading that article, Lance, I haven't made a single bad decision.
Prawn cocktail on toast? For breakfast? Ooh! That'll be me! It's the bold and invigorating choice of a modern woman who knows exactly what she wants, yeah, and more importantly, how to go about getting it! OK.
Um, would you pass that on to your barista? Thank you.
Beautiful face, but a strangler's hands.
Still Lance, what is the matter with you? Yeah Sorry, Janine, I've got Sorry.
I'm worried about you.
You've not touched your Um Bongo.
Lukewarm water with a dash of fully skimmed milk? Thank you.
It's a drink I've created.
I can't stop having ideas.
I thought of this one in the bath.
It's my take on a flat white.
I call it the White Malcolm.
Mmm, body temperature.
I can't tell where my lips begin and the White Malcolm ends.
Comforting.
I don't think so.
Shelley! Oh, shit.
Bruv.
Shelley incomin'.
Bounce.
Sit down! Where is he? What? Who are you talkin' about? Who do you mean? I've had enough of this bullshit.
WHERE is he? Who? Do I look like Coco the fucking clown?! I'll give you a fucking clue.
The answer is no.
Do you mean Lance? Lance! I dunno.
I think he might be on a day off day today.
Is he on a day off day today? You're right, you know, I think you're right.
Yeah.
I looked on the rota and it says he's on a half day today.
I think he might have gone fishin', you know.
Yeah.
Shut up! Lance hasn't had a half day off since a pigeon flew into the shop and attacked him during the OJ trial.
Shelley! I'll move it in a minute.
Shell Mrs Crisp! Hi.
It's me.
It's Christopher.
From the shop.
I work with the lads.
Chris, innit! It's Chris from the shop! Wha'gwan, bro! Hey, Chris.
How you doin'? Y'all right? Oh! Ah! Ooh hey is that better? Is it me? Isn't it me? It is me! It's thrown a lot of people! What are you doing? I'm doing it for charity! The whole grow a moustache thing! Look good whilst you're giving! Would you like to sponsor me, Mrs Crisp? Why don't you sponsor him, Shell? Yeah, you could sponsor him.
It's for our favourite charity, actually! Yeah, so would you like to sponsor me, Mrs Crisp? What is the matter with you? You creepy little cunt.
I haven't seen Lance! I wouldn't know where he I couldn't tell you where he was I haven't asked you.
That's true.
Ha! You look lovely, Shelley.
I know.
Shelley! Look at you.
You look lovely.
I think that's most of it out.
Oh, pop yourself away, Lance.
Lance, man, we can't keep on makin' excuses for you, bruv.
She's been vexting me.
Four times last night.
Vexting? Vexacious texting, innit.
Oh, gawd.
If you don't tell us what it is, we can't help you.
Shelley's decided that it's time we Are you splittin' up? Is she leavin' you? Is she movin' in with Adrian the Rockabilly mechanic? No! He just did her exhaust.
Shelley's decided it's time we we had a baby.
Nah, man! Bruv, I don't mean to be rude, but, can she still, you know Oh, yeah.
She reckons if I supply enough of it, she's good for quads.
Right.
OK.
A problem is only a problem if you call it a problem.
So, since I turned my life around last night by seeing problems as opportunities, I haven't looked back.
This is a great opportunity for you to sit down with Shelley and have a full and frank conversation about how you feel.
OK, then! No? What?! OK.
It's no problem - opportunity.
It's fine.
Lance, Lance, Lance, listen, all you gotta say, yeah, is cos you work in a phone shop, yeah, all the radiation off the phones has mashed up your ballbag And as a result, you got really weak sperm Errgh! Yeah? Even doctors know that you can't catch belly off low cal juice, innit? Shelley won't get no belly, bruv.
I'm finished.
Wait! Shelley wants a baby, right? And we know she's not going to stop until she gets what she wants? Then Janine's right.
This is an opportunity.
An opportunity for you to give Shelley exactly what she wants.
All you've got to do is borrow a baby for a couple of days.
Oh, that's very good.
That is pretty BLOODY brilliant! Stealing a baby? That's how we got my first sister.
Aw! How exciting! No.
Not stealing a baby.
Get in touch with a friend or a relative who's got a baby.
Offer to babysit for the weekend.
Give them a break.
You'll be helping one person in order to help another person.
A little bit like charity.
Are you deaf, blud?! The man don't want no baby.
So why you got man borrowing the next man's baby for?! That's what man don't want! Newsflash.
Newman got the cure for AIDS, yeah? Basically you just give people AIDS.
You eeeediott.
Dickhead! This is not good.
I'm finished.
How can I be a Dad when I'm not even a man? No, no, no.
You want to BORROW a baby in order to show Shelley just how hard it is.
Shelley is in love with the idea of a baby, not the reality of it.
All that you're doing is letting her find out for herself just how much work it would be.
So, no babynapping from outside the Morrison's? No.
No.
No.
It's still brilliant.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be a dad I'm gonna be a dad! I'm gonna be a dad! I'm going to have all of the benefits of fatherhood with none of the responsibilities.
Right! Let's get on that shop floor and get selling.
I don't know about you, but I'm going to have an extra mouth to feed.
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.
Something different about you, isn't there? Yeah, I've got Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'll figure it out.
Go on.
I like what you did up there, Christopher.
You took that situation and you turned it around.
Me and you, we're the same.
Creative visionaries, big picture thinkers.
We see opportunities before they happen.
You know what it is? No? The moustache.
No! Seriously.
Do you think so? I was going to get rid of it What? You've got to keep it.
Yeah, I was only doing it for the charity thing, and that's not really going very well.
It looks great.
It makes you look handsome.
It gives you gravity.
People listen to you.
For the first time in your life, Christopher, people are taking you seriously.
Really? Trust me.
What do you think of the White Malcolm? It's really nice, isn't it? It is, isn't it?! And would you describe it as sassy? Yes.
Mm-hm! What else? Sophisti Sophisticated? Opposite of complex.
Simple.
Complexity.
Simplicity.
You're right.
It's sassy, sophisticated, simplicity for the over sixties.
They LOVE their milk! Errrgh! Yeah.
Thank you, Christopher.
What for? You've made my mind up.
Can I? OK? I'll treasure that.
Apparently, it's called a White Malcolm It tastes like bullshit.
Sounds like you're having a lovely time.
Yeah.
Hang on a sec.
Shelley's gone for it! What? She's got someone lined up! Little Terry from the estate.
Little Terry from the estate? Who calls a baby Terry? She couldn't get a baby! What? Would you trust Shelley with a baby? What is it then, a toddler? Yeah, yeah! He's 17.
He's over there now.
They're havin' a whale of a time.
She's giving him a bath.
Come on, Terry.
Let's give it a proper wash Mmmmm.
What? I must say you've been very helpful, Christopher.
I shall certainly be recommending you to all of my friends.
Why, thank you.
I do like your moustache.
Oh, merci, Madame.
It makes you look like a black and white movie idol.
Oh, a young Dirk Bogarde.
Of course, you're far too young to remember him.
Oh, I don't know.
"Here's lookin' at you, kid.
" It's just brilliant, isn't it? He's growing it for charity.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, really? And is there anything else you might consider GROWING for charity, Christopher? Ah Because, given the right project, I and my many friends have a lot to give.
Aha, I Um, I'm gonna I've got Gonna go and put that in a box for bag for you.
Won't be a sec.
Jennifer might we have a quick word about the current charity partnering opportunities we're in a position to offer? Just take a couple of minutes of your time.
Janine, listen to yourself.
You can't leave your job cos you've read an article on the internet.
I don't expect you to understand, Lance.
I've been empowered.
I now know the true value of my potential.
What's that? What? It's an opportunity.
Where's it gone? I don't know.
I know you don't.
It's in my pocket.
I've taken it.
"Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
" Who said that? Was it me? No.
Gary Barlow.
If I put my mind to it, I could be the new Karren Brady.
Scary, isn't it? But what are you going to do if you leave here? You've got nothing to go to.
No.
Because, when you've got the fire of the entrepreneur in your belly, Lance, the question is, what is it that you're NOT going to do? Yeah? So, cheers.
Cheers.
Mmmm.
Nice.
Excuse me, dear, are you in charge? Ahh.
If your question is, am I the fearless visionary who identified a business opportunity, then confidently created a luxury product for said market, then daringly distributed said product to the core demographic in order to secure a handsome amount of private equity start-up funding, then, hi, yeah, it's me.
Hello.
Well, the ladies and I were just wondering, at what point do we get to see his pickle? What's up, bro? How's your day today? Anything you need, you just let me know, innit? Mi casa, mi casa, you get me? Is that how you talk to a customer? Excuse me? Is that the best way to welcome a customer? Because you see, I come in here and I don't expect to be greeted in such a casual manner, you know? I ain't your mate.
I don't even know you.
Oh, man! This guy, you know? Wow! How are you doing? Hello, sir.
I just want to apologise for my colleague's off-kilter approach No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Nah! I'm sorry, bruv.
I'm so sorry.
He's sorry.
I'm sorry.
We're sorry, innit? Might I politely suggest to you that, unless your dad's a police, or you're a mystery shopper working on behalf of the PhoneShop group, you get the fuck out of this shop before we rip your little Bieber head off, you cheeky little Terry? Dad! What you doing here? I come out to give Mum a bit of a break.
I think she needs a bit of a rest.
I can be quite a handful, you know.
Real fucking handful.
Yeah, bet you can, bruv.
I bet you can.
Here, Terry, you ever tried a White Malcolm? Very moreish.
Do you want one? No.
What's he like? What am I like?! What is he like, man?! He knows what I'm like.
Does he? Yeah.
He does.
He knows.
Janine.
Janine! This lot are turning nasty, I can feel it.
I'm sure that one tried to spit at me earlier.
Don't be ridiculous, Christopher.
Look I think you should be a bit more grateful Grateful?! Because I've identified you a very viable sponsorship opportunity, and it's up to you, eh, to exploit it.
Exploit it?! I'm the one being exploi! Look at me! I've got grapes dangled over my hole.
I could get hurt here.
Christopher, you are doing this for charity, and, as we all know, if it doesn't hurt then it's not charity.
Watch him, you.
This way, madam.
Right.
See, the problem with this place, yeah I'm gonna Bruce Lee man in his face, you know.
Look at him, look at him.
He's rinsing Lance for handsets, innit? Look at him eating like a grateful tramp.
Grateful little tramp, that's what he is.
I swear to God You got a problem, mate? Have you got a problem? Cos I can see you talking about me and looking at me, so I can only assume you must have some sort of problem.
But seriously, if you do have such a massive problem with me then you've got a problem with me AND my dad, and we don't like that.
Do we, Dad? Do we? Don't we? I don't know.
You don't fuck about people's families, bruv.
That's the last thing you want to do.
Lance I beg you, tell your idiot youth to shut his mouth, yeah? Are you telling my dad what to? Are you telling my dad what to? Dad, Dad, is he telling you what to? Are you seriously gonna let him get away with telling you what to do in our own shop? Kids, eh? Don't worry, just a phase he's going through.
Doesn't really mean it.
I fucking do.
Language, Terry.
What can you do? Lance, man, I'll tell you what you can do What's that, mate? What are you tellin' my Dad to do? Bruv, I'm sitting on my hands So, this is where you've been hiding, is it? You know I work here, Shelley.
Not you.
Him.
Oh, for fuck's You're not still banging on about this, are you? I was doin' his washin' when I found his phone, didn't I? Take no notice of her, Dad.
Yeah, I found some very interesting texes.
What are you doin' goin' through my stuff? Brenda, Marge, Eileen Do I need to go on? I don't even know what you're talking about.
I couldn't believe that my son would cheat on his own Mum.
That's a whole episode of Kyle right there, boy.
Do you know what your son's doin', Lance? He's only been seein' other mothers behind my back.
God knows what he's got up to.
Scratch that, bruv! That's an hour-long Kyle special! You don't own me.
I'll do what I like.
You live under my roof, you live under my rules! Dad! Tell her, man! Him?! He's never told anybody anything.
Yeah.
She's right.
Oh, well, I ain't havin' this What? What ain't you havin'? You jumped up little shit.
You fucking banging on all the time Why ain't you helpin', bruv? Why ain't you helpin', bruv? So, what did you think of the White Malcolm? This? Tastes like bullshit, dear.
Absolutely awful.
What is it? Tepid water with a dash of skimmed milk? But they liked it.
The ladies loved it It's a drink designed for ladies of a certain age who love a milky beverage That lot would drink anything that's free, dear.
You should see them in Waitrose on a Saturday morning when they're giving out the free samples.
Bloody animals.
Shit-house! Arsehole! It's for It's for charity! Clarke Gable would've done it.
And Cary Grant.
Rat! Pig! Clever pig! For the record, no, they wouldn't, either of them.
And second record thing is, it's very cold in here.
It's actually much It's usually bigger than that.
I'm a grower, not a shower.
Oh, you disgust me.
Of course you can have your job back, Janine.
Thanks, Dad.
Chief.
Guv.
Skipper? Dad's fine.
Shall I put the kettle on? Yeah, let's have a couple of lovely White Malcolms, eh? Yeah! I tell you what, Janine, if nobody else likes 'em, so what? Fuck 'em! We'll keep 'em for ourselves, eh? So what did them turkey eggs taste like? Like chicken eggs, really, just drier, innit? Oi, oi! Is that you? Yeah, it is me.
Look almost human, innit? Do you know what, boys, I think you might have been right.
Maybe I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
Although, you've got to admit, man did look pretty ping, innit? What? With that? No.
It's never that.
It's never been that.
Which is why I've decided to be a man about my charity.
And so this man has signed up for the London Marathon! I'm running for prostate cancer! Yes, bruv! Well done.
I'm proud of you, boy! Thank you.
My man's a marathon man, innit? Well done, Newms.
Charity should hurt, bruv.
Exactly.
That's how we schooled you.
Oh, er, and I'm doing it in fancy dress.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Put me down for ten.
Fuck it.
Make it a 20, cos you'll be dressed as a mug.
Bruv, what? Confirmation form? What the f? What is this? What? You didn't think I was going to run a marathon dressed like a wasteman on my own, is it? I can't be running no marathon.
I got, like, conditions an' that My knees! You know about my knees, innit? Ah, your poor little weak knees.
He should be registered disabled.
Yeah.
He don't claim.
I should be claiming.
He don't claim.
But I'm not claiming.
Oh, God, that's terrible.
And then you with the, um Oh, man, my foot.
I was in the shower, like, this was two weeks ago, bruv, and my foot looked a bit webby, and I ain't had it checked out yet.
Webbed feet? Man can't run on that.
What a burden.
It's the 17th.
It's the 17th of April.
I can't That's when your mum's .
.
getting baptized.
He's gonna be I gotta wash his mum.
He's got to wash your mum.
What a fucking gent.
Sorry that we can't do it.
You know what I mean? BOYS! Boys be a MAN about your charity, yeah? I've got it, Christopher! You've got a moustache Shit! 'Retort is a FremantleMedia company.
' 'Bit of childishness, innit?'
Nn-nn.
No.
Can you Nn-nn.
Can you do that? No, innit? No.
Nah.
Just no.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Innit.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! What?! It's for charity! What charity? The grow a moustache and look a dickhead charity?! No, not It's all right for you, yeah.
You ain't gotta look at it.
I spent the last month watchin' this bullshit grow, bruv.
Every day, sick! Every fucking day! Yeah, but it's for charity! Listen! It's called charity, not vanity, yeah? Charity ain't about you lookin' good.
Or what you THINK looks good, bruv.
Yeah, I'm jus' like bussin' this for the month, you know It's just like a bit of fun, really.
I fink it looks amazing on you! Oh? Really? I'm just messin' about wiv it, you know! It's just like getting all the money in for all the good causes, cos I'm such a good guy.
I just come so humble, you know! Oh, my god, I think you should keep it! Whoa, really?! You really think so? Yeah, I do! You think it looks good?! Yeah, it looks SO good on you.
Oh, safe, safe! Fuck that! Charity should 'urt bruv.
If it don't 'urt, it ain't charity! You shouldn't be rewarded just cos your hair grows.
It's like takin' a shit and then askin' all your mates for Ð5 sponsorship.
Why? Cos shit falls out your arsehole? "Can I have Ð5, please?! Will you sponsor my stool?" Be a man about your charity, yeah? I am.
Go old school for your charity.
SUFFER for your charity.
Shave your 'ead.
Give away a kidney.
Do a marathon dressed as a waste man.
Walk through the park at midnight in just your bra! But BE a man! I can't take you seriously.
I feel like I'm the one doin' the charity with you sat next to me! Do you know what, bruv? Just go and sit over there.
Just go sit over there, yeah? I can't bear to countenance you right now.
Please move! I will, if you sponsor me.
Really? Really? Right.
Bye.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Know yourself, man.
So, I typed "Please, someone, please, help me, please" into Google and bang! There it was! My life was changed there and then by a simple internet article.
It was The 67 Mistakes That Women Make That Make Them Want To Read Articles On The Internet About How To Change Their Lives and I realised that my problem is that I've been making some VERY bad decisions "viz-a-viz" and "approposs" my lifestyle choices.
Take last Saturday, I spent Ð60 in Maplin's.
Hmm? What's a woman doing in Maplin's? But, I swear, since reading that article, Lance, I haven't made a single bad decision.
Prawn cocktail on toast? For breakfast? Ooh! That'll be me! It's the bold and invigorating choice of a modern woman who knows exactly what she wants, yeah, and more importantly, how to go about getting it! OK.
Um, would you pass that on to your barista? Thank you.
Beautiful face, but a strangler's hands.
Still Lance, what is the matter with you? Yeah Sorry, Janine, I've got Sorry.
I'm worried about you.
You've not touched your Um Bongo.
Lukewarm water with a dash of fully skimmed milk? Thank you.
It's a drink I've created.
I can't stop having ideas.
I thought of this one in the bath.
It's my take on a flat white.
I call it the White Malcolm.
Mmm, body temperature.
I can't tell where my lips begin and the White Malcolm ends.
Comforting.
I don't think so.
Shelley! Oh, shit.
Bruv.
Shelley incomin'.
Bounce.
Sit down! Where is he? What? Who are you talkin' about? Who do you mean? I've had enough of this bullshit.
WHERE is he? Who? Do I look like Coco the fucking clown?! I'll give you a fucking clue.
The answer is no.
Do you mean Lance? Lance! I dunno.
I think he might be on a day off day today.
Is he on a day off day today? You're right, you know, I think you're right.
Yeah.
I looked on the rota and it says he's on a half day today.
I think he might have gone fishin', you know.
Yeah.
Shut up! Lance hasn't had a half day off since a pigeon flew into the shop and attacked him during the OJ trial.
Shelley! I'll move it in a minute.
Shell Mrs Crisp! Hi.
It's me.
It's Christopher.
From the shop.
I work with the lads.
Chris, innit! It's Chris from the shop! Wha'gwan, bro! Hey, Chris.
How you doin'? Y'all right? Oh! Ah! Ooh hey is that better? Is it me? Isn't it me? It is me! It's thrown a lot of people! What are you doing? I'm doing it for charity! The whole grow a moustache thing! Look good whilst you're giving! Would you like to sponsor me, Mrs Crisp? Why don't you sponsor him, Shell? Yeah, you could sponsor him.
It's for our favourite charity, actually! Yeah, so would you like to sponsor me, Mrs Crisp? What is the matter with you? You creepy little cunt.
I haven't seen Lance! I wouldn't know where he I couldn't tell you where he was I haven't asked you.
That's true.
Ha! You look lovely, Shelley.
I know.
Shelley! Look at you.
You look lovely.
I think that's most of it out.
Oh, pop yourself away, Lance.
Lance, man, we can't keep on makin' excuses for you, bruv.
She's been vexting me.
Four times last night.
Vexting? Vexacious texting, innit.
Oh, gawd.
If you don't tell us what it is, we can't help you.
Shelley's decided that it's time we Are you splittin' up? Is she leavin' you? Is she movin' in with Adrian the Rockabilly mechanic? No! He just did her exhaust.
Shelley's decided it's time we we had a baby.
Nah, man! Bruv, I don't mean to be rude, but, can she still, you know Oh, yeah.
She reckons if I supply enough of it, she's good for quads.
Right.
OK.
A problem is only a problem if you call it a problem.
So, since I turned my life around last night by seeing problems as opportunities, I haven't looked back.
This is a great opportunity for you to sit down with Shelley and have a full and frank conversation about how you feel.
OK, then! No? What?! OK.
It's no problem - opportunity.
It's fine.
Lance, Lance, Lance, listen, all you gotta say, yeah, is cos you work in a phone shop, yeah, all the radiation off the phones has mashed up your ballbag And as a result, you got really weak sperm Errgh! Yeah? Even doctors know that you can't catch belly off low cal juice, innit? Shelley won't get no belly, bruv.
I'm finished.
Wait! Shelley wants a baby, right? And we know she's not going to stop until she gets what she wants? Then Janine's right.
This is an opportunity.
An opportunity for you to give Shelley exactly what she wants.
All you've got to do is borrow a baby for a couple of days.
Oh, that's very good.
That is pretty BLOODY brilliant! Stealing a baby? That's how we got my first sister.
Aw! How exciting! No.
Not stealing a baby.
Get in touch with a friend or a relative who's got a baby.
Offer to babysit for the weekend.
Give them a break.
You'll be helping one person in order to help another person.
A little bit like charity.
Are you deaf, blud?! The man don't want no baby.
So why you got man borrowing the next man's baby for?! That's what man don't want! Newsflash.
Newman got the cure for AIDS, yeah? Basically you just give people AIDS.
You eeeediott.
Dickhead! This is not good.
I'm finished.
How can I be a Dad when I'm not even a man? No, no, no.
You want to BORROW a baby in order to show Shelley just how hard it is.
Shelley is in love with the idea of a baby, not the reality of it.
All that you're doing is letting her find out for herself just how much work it would be.
So, no babynapping from outside the Morrison's? No.
No.
No.
It's still brilliant.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be a dad I'm gonna be a dad! I'm gonna be a dad! I'm going to have all of the benefits of fatherhood with none of the responsibilities.
Right! Let's get on that shop floor and get selling.
I don't know about you, but I'm going to have an extra mouth to feed.
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.
Something different about you, isn't there? Yeah, I've got Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'll figure it out.
Go on.
I like what you did up there, Christopher.
You took that situation and you turned it around.
Me and you, we're the same.
Creative visionaries, big picture thinkers.
We see opportunities before they happen.
You know what it is? No? The moustache.
No! Seriously.
Do you think so? I was going to get rid of it What? You've got to keep it.
Yeah, I was only doing it for the charity thing, and that's not really going very well.
It looks great.
It makes you look handsome.
It gives you gravity.
People listen to you.
For the first time in your life, Christopher, people are taking you seriously.
Really? Trust me.
What do you think of the White Malcolm? It's really nice, isn't it? It is, isn't it?! And would you describe it as sassy? Yes.
Mm-hm! What else? Sophisti Sophisticated? Opposite of complex.
Simple.
Complexity.
Simplicity.
You're right.
It's sassy, sophisticated, simplicity for the over sixties.
They LOVE their milk! Errrgh! Yeah.
Thank you, Christopher.
What for? You've made my mind up.
Can I? OK? I'll treasure that.
Apparently, it's called a White Malcolm It tastes like bullshit.
Sounds like you're having a lovely time.
Yeah.
Hang on a sec.
Shelley's gone for it! What? She's got someone lined up! Little Terry from the estate.
Little Terry from the estate? Who calls a baby Terry? She couldn't get a baby! What? Would you trust Shelley with a baby? What is it then, a toddler? Yeah, yeah! He's 17.
He's over there now.
They're havin' a whale of a time.
She's giving him a bath.
Come on, Terry.
Let's give it a proper wash Mmmmm.
What? I must say you've been very helpful, Christopher.
I shall certainly be recommending you to all of my friends.
Why, thank you.
I do like your moustache.
Oh, merci, Madame.
It makes you look like a black and white movie idol.
Oh, a young Dirk Bogarde.
Of course, you're far too young to remember him.
Oh, I don't know.
"Here's lookin' at you, kid.
" It's just brilliant, isn't it? He's growing it for charity.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, really? And is there anything else you might consider GROWING for charity, Christopher? Ah Because, given the right project, I and my many friends have a lot to give.
Aha, I Um, I'm gonna I've got Gonna go and put that in a box for bag for you.
Won't be a sec.
Jennifer might we have a quick word about the current charity partnering opportunities we're in a position to offer? Just take a couple of minutes of your time.
Janine, listen to yourself.
You can't leave your job cos you've read an article on the internet.
I don't expect you to understand, Lance.
I've been empowered.
I now know the true value of my potential.
What's that? What? It's an opportunity.
Where's it gone? I don't know.
I know you don't.
It's in my pocket.
I've taken it.
"Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
" Who said that? Was it me? No.
Gary Barlow.
If I put my mind to it, I could be the new Karren Brady.
Scary, isn't it? But what are you going to do if you leave here? You've got nothing to go to.
No.
Because, when you've got the fire of the entrepreneur in your belly, Lance, the question is, what is it that you're NOT going to do? Yeah? So, cheers.
Cheers.
Mmmm.
Nice.
Excuse me, dear, are you in charge? Ahh.
If your question is, am I the fearless visionary who identified a business opportunity, then confidently created a luxury product for said market, then daringly distributed said product to the core demographic in order to secure a handsome amount of private equity start-up funding, then, hi, yeah, it's me.
Hello.
Well, the ladies and I were just wondering, at what point do we get to see his pickle? What's up, bro? How's your day today? Anything you need, you just let me know, innit? Mi casa, mi casa, you get me? Is that how you talk to a customer? Excuse me? Is that the best way to welcome a customer? Because you see, I come in here and I don't expect to be greeted in such a casual manner, you know? I ain't your mate.
I don't even know you.
Oh, man! This guy, you know? Wow! How are you doing? Hello, sir.
I just want to apologise for my colleague's off-kilter approach No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Nah! I'm sorry, bruv.
I'm so sorry.
He's sorry.
I'm sorry.
We're sorry, innit? Might I politely suggest to you that, unless your dad's a police, or you're a mystery shopper working on behalf of the PhoneShop group, you get the fuck out of this shop before we rip your little Bieber head off, you cheeky little Terry? Dad! What you doing here? I come out to give Mum a bit of a break.
I think she needs a bit of a rest.
I can be quite a handful, you know.
Real fucking handful.
Yeah, bet you can, bruv.
I bet you can.
Here, Terry, you ever tried a White Malcolm? Very moreish.
Do you want one? No.
What's he like? What am I like?! What is he like, man?! He knows what I'm like.
Does he? Yeah.
He does.
He knows.
Janine.
Janine! This lot are turning nasty, I can feel it.
I'm sure that one tried to spit at me earlier.
Don't be ridiculous, Christopher.
Look I think you should be a bit more grateful Grateful?! Because I've identified you a very viable sponsorship opportunity, and it's up to you, eh, to exploit it.
Exploit it?! I'm the one being exploi! Look at me! I've got grapes dangled over my hole.
I could get hurt here.
Christopher, you are doing this for charity, and, as we all know, if it doesn't hurt then it's not charity.
Watch him, you.
This way, madam.
Right.
See, the problem with this place, yeah I'm gonna Bruce Lee man in his face, you know.
Look at him, look at him.
He's rinsing Lance for handsets, innit? Look at him eating like a grateful tramp.
Grateful little tramp, that's what he is.
I swear to God You got a problem, mate? Have you got a problem? Cos I can see you talking about me and looking at me, so I can only assume you must have some sort of problem.
But seriously, if you do have such a massive problem with me then you've got a problem with me AND my dad, and we don't like that.
Do we, Dad? Do we? Don't we? I don't know.
You don't fuck about people's families, bruv.
That's the last thing you want to do.
Lance I beg you, tell your idiot youth to shut his mouth, yeah? Are you telling my dad what to? Are you telling my dad what to? Dad, Dad, is he telling you what to? Are you seriously gonna let him get away with telling you what to do in our own shop? Kids, eh? Don't worry, just a phase he's going through.
Doesn't really mean it.
I fucking do.
Language, Terry.
What can you do? Lance, man, I'll tell you what you can do What's that, mate? What are you tellin' my Dad to do? Bruv, I'm sitting on my hands So, this is where you've been hiding, is it? You know I work here, Shelley.
Not you.
Him.
Oh, for fuck's You're not still banging on about this, are you? I was doin' his washin' when I found his phone, didn't I? Take no notice of her, Dad.
Yeah, I found some very interesting texes.
What are you doin' goin' through my stuff? Brenda, Marge, Eileen Do I need to go on? I don't even know what you're talking about.
I couldn't believe that my son would cheat on his own Mum.
That's a whole episode of Kyle right there, boy.
Do you know what your son's doin', Lance? He's only been seein' other mothers behind my back.
God knows what he's got up to.
Scratch that, bruv! That's an hour-long Kyle special! You don't own me.
I'll do what I like.
You live under my roof, you live under my rules! Dad! Tell her, man! Him?! He's never told anybody anything.
Yeah.
She's right.
Oh, well, I ain't havin' this What? What ain't you havin'? You jumped up little shit.
You fucking banging on all the time Why ain't you helpin', bruv? Why ain't you helpin', bruv? So, what did you think of the White Malcolm? This? Tastes like bullshit, dear.
Absolutely awful.
What is it? Tepid water with a dash of skimmed milk? But they liked it.
The ladies loved it It's a drink designed for ladies of a certain age who love a milky beverage That lot would drink anything that's free, dear.
You should see them in Waitrose on a Saturday morning when they're giving out the free samples.
Bloody animals.
Shit-house! Arsehole! It's for It's for charity! Clarke Gable would've done it.
And Cary Grant.
Rat! Pig! Clever pig! For the record, no, they wouldn't, either of them.
And second record thing is, it's very cold in here.
It's actually much It's usually bigger than that.
I'm a grower, not a shower.
Oh, you disgust me.
Of course you can have your job back, Janine.
Thanks, Dad.
Chief.
Guv.
Skipper? Dad's fine.
Shall I put the kettle on? Yeah, let's have a couple of lovely White Malcolms, eh? Yeah! I tell you what, Janine, if nobody else likes 'em, so what? Fuck 'em! We'll keep 'em for ourselves, eh? So what did them turkey eggs taste like? Like chicken eggs, really, just drier, innit? Oi, oi! Is that you? Yeah, it is me.
Look almost human, innit? Do you know what, boys, I think you might have been right.
Maybe I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
Although, you've got to admit, man did look pretty ping, innit? What? With that? No.
It's never that.
It's never been that.
Which is why I've decided to be a man about my charity.
And so this man has signed up for the London Marathon! I'm running for prostate cancer! Yes, bruv! Well done.
I'm proud of you, boy! Thank you.
My man's a marathon man, innit? Well done, Newms.
Charity should hurt, bruv.
Exactly.
That's how we schooled you.
Oh, er, and I'm doing it in fancy dress.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Put me down for ten.
Fuck it.
Make it a 20, cos you'll be dressed as a mug.
Bruv, what? Confirmation form? What the f? What is this? What? You didn't think I was going to run a marathon dressed like a wasteman on my own, is it? I can't be running no marathon.
I got, like, conditions an' that My knees! You know about my knees, innit? Ah, your poor little weak knees.
He should be registered disabled.
Yeah.
He don't claim.
I should be claiming.
He don't claim.
But I'm not claiming.
Oh, God, that's terrible.
And then you with the, um Oh, man, my foot.
I was in the shower, like, this was two weeks ago, bruv, and my foot looked a bit webby, and I ain't had it checked out yet.
Webbed feet? Man can't run on that.
What a burden.
It's the 17th.
It's the 17th of April.
I can't That's when your mum's .
.
getting baptized.
He's gonna be I gotta wash his mum.
He's got to wash your mum.
What a fucking gent.
Sorry that we can't do it.
You know what I mean? BOYS! Boys be a MAN about your charity, yeah? I've got it, Christopher! You've got a moustache Shit! 'Retort is a FremantleMedia company.
' 'Bit of childishness, innit?'