Porridge (1973) s03e03 Episode Script

JUDGE: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher, 'you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought, and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
'You are a habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, 'and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same, casual manner.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
'You will go to prison for 5 years.
' What are you reading, Fletch? A book.
What sort of book? A paperback book.
Bits of paper stuck together down the left-hand side - you know! Is it a good book? Dunno till I finish it.
Might turn out rotten.
And I SHAN'T finish it, with these interruptions.
I'd read books if I could read.
Is it a dirty book? Yeah, filthy.
I dropped it in a puddle.
Hello, Warren.
Reading a book, Fletch? No, I'm ironing.
Oh, Gawd! Don't do that! And don't read over my shoulder.
It's the height of bad manners.
"Mandingo.
" What's it about? Your lot.
Slaves in the deep South.
Scots, are they? No, blacks, Sonny Jock, your ancestors! Toiling in the cotton fields.
They were from the West Indies.
It's all the same.
Slaves an' that.
This lot picked cotton, YOUR lot picked bananas.
Load of blacks, picking SOMETHING.
Weren't slaves in Roman times? They were Roman galley slaves.
They was white! I know they was.
I've seen films, set in Roman times.
They had slavesand Rosanna Podestaand Steve Reeves.
Hey, have you seen "Jason And The Golden Fleas"? FLEECE, I think, is the word you had in mind.
If you had a mind! What was that other one I loved? "Jason And The Astronauts.
" You dim nurk! You mean "Jason And The Juggernauts.
" I saw that film.
Excuse me, Philip Jenkinson, this is where I come in.
Just before Rod Steiger hit Sidney Poitier with a mug of tea.
He couldn't finish HIS book in peace! Sorry.
Stay for the shoot-out.
With any luck, Jason will get his argonauts blown off! I didn't think they had guns then.
When? With Kirk Douglas.
Fletch Reading a book? Don't you start! Go on knitting your balaclava.
There might be another war.
An' there WILL be if I don't finish this book.
All right? HARRIS.
STAND WHERE YOU ARE! Me, Mr Mackay? Yes, YOU! DON'T MOVE! Been to Medical? Had me dressing changed.
Nick any pills? Me, sir(?) Aaargh! Not me.
YOU, Harris NASTY Harris Never a dull moment.
Where is it, Harris, where is it? Who did that? What? Bleedin' sparrows in our roof again.
Anything on my face? No.
Come with me, Harris! I'm clean.
You've no right.
This is harassment.
I'll harass you, Harris.
I'll strip you down.
Some girls have ALL the luck.
Harris.
Sir.
GET ON WITH IT! Oh, Gawd! He'd whip anything.
Why pills? Come on! You know the racket.
SOMEONE wants to be picked up or zonked out.
Same here as outside.
Can't see it meself.
Not my cup of tea, drugs.
Hello.
Gone, have they? Who? Warren and McLaren, the black and white minstrels.
Guess who made the lunches today.
Go on Did you? What was that pudding? Tapioca.
THAT'S what it was! Could you smuggle a dollop back for me? D'you like it that much? I want to stick the sole of my boot.
I'll ignore that.
You can't bait me.
Tapioca off a duck's back! That's cold.
Tapioca off a duck's back! What was that kerfuffle? I heard Mackay nabbed Harris.
He thought he'd been whipping pills.
Had he? Dunno.
Never found nothing.
Must have stashed 'em.
Where? Why? Wouldn't mind 'em myself.
You don't even know what they was.
Doesn't matter.
They're currency.
You'd sell 'em to Harry Grout? I'd have 'em meself.
Drug addict! Your generation is prejudiced about drugs.
It's fear through ignorance.
My generation knows that drugs don't do NO-one NO good NO-how.
They're anathema to me, drugs.
You can get drugs for THAT.
What? Anathema.
Anathema is NOT an ailment.
I was joking.
Listen, Godber, you used up your monthly joke with tapioca pudding.
'Ere, put me down! Oh, Mr Grout, sir! Thank you, Crusher.
Take the tray.
Yes, sir.
^ Like the tapioca? THAT'S what it was! Some crystallised fruits? I mustn't.
Mandarins? Didn't know we HAD any.
We hadn't, but young Tomkiss had a food parcel.
Didn't he? Yeah.
And he GAVE us some(?) In a manner of speaking.
I'll have 'em for tea.
On your way.
Mandarins, eh? A rare treat.
Harris.
Yes, sir? What did Mackay do to you? He frisked me.
Why? Dunno.
He must have had a reason.
He alleged I'd nicked these pills.
Had you? 'Course not.
Dangerous things, drugs.
Taken injudiciously, they can be harmful.
Leads to addiction.
I've seen it too often.
That's a good reason for me NOT to whip pills.
Yeah, I agree.
I didn't, honest! You're a born tea leaf.
Force of habit.
"Whip now, think later" is your motto.
I only went to get a new bandage.
I SEE! By the way, HOW is the arm? It's getting on nicely, tha YAAARGH! What was that? I dunno.
Someone on hunger strike being force-fed tapioca pudding.
It was a terrible scream, blood-curdling.
Maybe it's one of your drug addict friends having a cold chicken cure.
Cold turkey! They use chicken, it's cheaper.
It's fear through ignorance, Fletch.
Godber, I'M not ignorant.
I know more about drug abuses than you do.
I've seen it all.
Some of my comrades in arms got hooked on morphine, in the army.
Why did they have morphine? To ease the pain of gunshot wounds.
Were you on a rifle range? Don't be impudent! While YOU were in your crib, SOME of us was doing our bit for Queen and country in the Malayan jungle.
You told me you was in the stores.
In Kuala Lumpur.
There wasn't no fighting there.
There was in the stores.
I'm talking of lying in hospital.
I heard about your septic toenail.
It's easy to scoff.
Mind your head! You wasn't in the heat of it.
The screaming went on all night.
You should have left the nurses alone! I'll chuck this out Oh! Hello, Crusher.
Hello, Grouty.
Hello, Fletch.
Hello, Grouty.
Goodbye, Godber.
Four-nil.
Go on! To what do I owe the pleasure? I just had a word with Harris.
Oh, yes, I heard it.
He whipped some pills.
Well, it comes as no surprise.
Said he dropped 'em over the landing.
Really(!) Under which were two people.
Me and Lukewarm.
Lukewarm wouldn't, would he(?) Anything for a quiet life, with his knitting! Wouldn't what? Take advantage.
Take advantage? Of a windfall.
'Ave a chair, Fletch.
Thanks very much.
I want those pills back where they belong.
In your pocket? Dear me, no.
In the doc's office.
I see! You share my views on the evils of drugs! Not exactly.
But this despicable pilfering could mess up my pill-peddling operation.
I see.
I didn't know about that.
Very few people do.
Unless those pills are returned, Mackay will ask for an inventory.
More's missing than they imagine! Oh, dear, yeah.
Can't you replace them temporarily from stock? I HAVE no stock.
I don't KEEP 'em, I PEDDLE 'em.
Oh.
Wellwe've got an hour.
WE'VE got an hour, have we? I see, yeah.
Yeah.
The MO is in the Married Quarters lancing Mrs Barrowclough's boil.
Oh, dear! Here y'are.
Look, Grouty, you and me knows each other well.
I can give you my solemn word - you know that is sacrosanct - I have NOT got them pills.
But YOU are one of the few people in this nick who can acquire MORE.
How? You work in the Admin Block - Governor, secretaries, typists Doesn't matter WHAT pills, long as they're back in the doc's office.
I'll get word to Mackay it's OK.
That would solve it, I agree.
Suppose I can do as you ask, what sort of pills do we want? Pills is pills, Fletch.
Aspirin, allergy or slimming pills.
All them typists are on the Pill.
Yeah - lot of ravers over there! Steady on, Fletch, there's limits.
You whip those and the MO issues them for a bloke's toothache(!) Stop his teeth getting pregnant! Yes, it's serious.
I'll do what I can - I'll do what I can! I'm sure you will, Fletch.
By the way, if there's any codeine, get a couple for Harris, will you? His arm's playing him up.
Grouty wants me to whip some pills.
Why? To replace the pills Harris whipped.
Where are they? Where are the peppers Peter Piper picked?! If we knew, there'd be no problem.
Barrowclough has pills.
Has he? Yeah - nerve pills, indigestion pills, vitamins.
When he makes love, he rattles.
From what I hear, he won't rattle for some time! His wife's got a boil.
Depends where it is.
It's in a tricky place.
Where? In the Married Quarters.
Nasty! Yeah, and the MO is having a lance at it.
Which means we've 15 minutes left.
We(?) Come on, Godber, you're my mate.
I AM your mate.
Always will be.
So help me get some pills! I would, but What? You warned me off drugs! Gerrout Fletcher! Yes, sir? Raised arm! Raised arm - where? There! That's YOUR arm, sir.
This one here? That's a flexed arm, you see.
I've got muscular tension.
I can't do THAT, you see.
It's due to my nerves, actually.
I really need pills for my nerves.
I have pills for my nerves.
Do you? What a coincidence! Would they alleviate my suffering? I don't carry them around with me.
No.
I noticed you weren't rattling.
They're mild tranquillisers.
They help me cope with the horrors of life.
Yes, how is Mrs Barrowclough? Well, she's not too good.
She's not easy at the best of times, but now that she can't sit down We thought that was where it was.
What? The boil.
How did you know about my wife's boil? It leaked out.
A hot poultice should do the trick.
A dollop of his tapioca pudding would make her sit up and take notice! I'd like to see you lot do better.
I think blemishes and boils are caused by vitamin deficiency.
A boil's from the bloodstream.
Shut your face! I'll get an opinion from Harley Street.
I'm a great believer in vitamins.
Yes, I think my nervous tension is due to vitamin deficiency.
Got any to spare? I'll bring some in the morning.
Too late.
Forget it.
It's never too late for health.
Tomorrow, it'll be worse! Got anything for broken kneecaps? I don't follow.
Nor will I, with broken kneecaps.
Chef said my raspberry blancmange was the best he'd tasted.
You see, I think the big problem with my vitamin deficiency is the terrible indigestion.
Really! I can help you there.
Have you a mug? Yes, over there.
Ohhh! Forget it.
These are too big.
What do you mean? I can't take pills like these.
I get indigestion if I eat Rennies too fast.
You do seem in poor physical shape.
I can put up with it.
Except for the blinding headaches.
See the MO in the morning, go on sick parade, get some codeine.
Codeine? B-But Fat lot of good that was! Fat lot of good YOU was! I'm not talking to you.
Pardon? I'm not talking to you.
Wrong! Why were you not talking? I've had enough derogatory remarks about my culinary prowess.
That's nothing to do with the matter in hand.
When Grouty asks a favour, it has to be done, or he takes it as a personal affront.
He sends his henchman to mete out retribution.
"From Crusher with Love.
" You'll end in hospital, with pills! ^ Hello, Fletch.
You've a nerve, Harris! What? Showing your face here.
YOU caused the trouble.
I took 'em but I've not got 'em now.
Why are you here? I heard you need some pills.
I know where to get some.
Naffing 'eck! Why didn't you tell Grouty in the first place? I wouldn't dare.
It's not the first time I've taken some.
If he knew I had before(!) It's too dire to contemplate.
What sort of pills? There's always a market for ANYTHING.
Let me get this straight.
You have a previous theft intact? Could be.
You'll give them to me, for Grouty, pretending they're from somewhere else? Yeah.
I think it's a noble gesture, don't you? It is.
Very nice.
Hand 'em over! Hold your horses.
What? It depends.
On what? How much? HOW MUCH?! A fair price.
Words fail me! Harris, isn't there more to life than a quick quid? Comradeship, honour and chivalry? No.
Don't appeal to his better nature.
He hasn't got one! There's only ONE language Harris understands The one I intend to use during the following negotiations.
What? Fletch? N-Non-n-no! BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAMS CHEERFUL CHAT CONTINUES KNOCK ON DOOR Come in! RATTLING PILLS Oh, it's you, Fletch.
Here we are! Already? You said it was urgent.
Those aren't the original pills.
I didn't TAKE them.
I got them by using ALL my ingenuity! I heard! Does this put me at the bottom of your "favours" list? Certainly.
What a lunch-hour! I didn't even finish my mug of tea.
Now it's back to work! No peace for the wicked.
Don't you have no work, Grouty? I'm in charge of the swimming pool.
Nice.
We haven't got one.
I know.
Clerical error, was it? Something like that, which is why time hangs so heavy on my hands.
Yeah I'll trundle off, then.
Don't want to interrupt your boredom.
Are they crystallised fruits? Yes.
My favourite! Really? Mine too.
Pass them over.
Any idea what these pills are? Well, a pill is a pill.
Gotta be careful.
Could be dangerous.
Be on the safe side.
Try 'em out.
Slip one in the Governor's tea.
Why are you on my bunk, Godber? More light.
To read MY book by.
Give it 'ere! Only borrowed it.
You lost my place.
The plantation owner gets hold of the slave girl Shuddup! I haven't got that far.
Blimey, you got THAT far! You've had a hard afternoon(!) I fried 500 eggs at dawn.
You want to make ONE vast omelette.
Look at this place! Why don't you clean up while I'm out? It's your turn to empty the mugs.
'Ere, what's that? What's what? Look at this.
Where was that? In my tea.
Open it up.
Know what this is? The original pills that Harris lost.
What are they? Dunno.
They could be amphetamines or bennies.
Whose? Benzedrine.
How did they get in your tea? Dropped from above.
Bennies from heaven! A joke.
What? Joke? Oh, a joke! Do me a favour(!) They were under your nose all the time! A storm in a teacup, eh? What? A joke, and better than yours! Move along! Mackay! Get rid of these! How? Where? Naffin' hell! Swallow them.
What's wrong with you two? Nothing, sir.
I know when a man's acting suspiciously.
Something to hide! Fletcher? No, sir.
Godber? No, sir.
All right, Fletcher What is this? What? I repeat What - is - this? It's a thing, sir.
A thing? A thing that looks like a container for pills.
For Fletcher's nerves.
Indigestion.
Indigestion.
Nerves.
I get nervous indigestion, you see.
And vice versa.
Pills are a dirty word.
I nearly caught Harris this morning.
Well, Harris! Yes.
Since the MO told me what's missing, I hope the wretched man ate the whole lot of them! Just out of idle curiosity, Mr Mackay, what was they? The MO's own pills.
Well, not exactly HIS.
They were for his dog's bad breath.
Carry on, Fletcher.
How do you feel, Fletch? Rough! Ruff! Rough! Ruff! Rough! by Elizabeth Ogilvie - BBC