Portlandia (2011) s03e03 Episode Script

Isopropyl Myristate, Dioxin 5 & 6, Aluminum In deodorant? That stuff's toxic.
That's why we created mother's sun.
Personal hygiene without all the toxins.
We've removed the chemical ingredients that sanitize and deodorize and left in all the fun ingredients, like oatmeal, chamomile, lavender, honey.
You know, the stuff that doesn't do anything.
Good boy.
Other brands work.
Ours Are very natural.
It's natural! On all of our products, we make sure that the packaging is yellow, the cleaning agent is brown, and most of all That nothing works.
There's one thing I had to tell you guys.
I forgot.
Tell who? I forgot.
Most products have chemicals that block odor.
Not mother's sun.
We were just too nice.
We let everyone in.
Mother's sun! See? You just wanna go When it's gone, then you're done.
Other side-- 1, 2, 3, 4 It smells like you.
Now introducing mother's sun's second line of products-- Daddy's Has, named after my ex-husband, Jonah's father, Reginald.
Reginald.
That's right.
That was his name.
You can put daddy's hands all over every part of your body.
Mother's Sun family of products-- try them out.
They work--they work.
They do.
A little.
"Seattle.
Gem of the northwest.
" How do they get away with this? When are we going to be on the cover of Portland Monthly? They're making a mockery of us here.
I mean, look, look, this-- They're still talking about the space needle.
It's monument porn.
Wow.
Seattle comes here.
They pollute our countryside with their billboards.
They come in.
They're trying to pull our citizens away.
We need to fight fire with fire.
What are we going to do? I mean, do our own billboards, I guess, up there.
Well, they cost money.
Do you want to fight fire with fire literally? We could set it all on fire.
Might be a little extreme.
I think we should do a guerrilla move up to Seattle and pull some citizens out of Seattle.
Wait, we could put an add for Portland on Seattle's Craigslist.
I was thinking more of a personal touch.
I look at the two of you, and I say to myself, really, what better representatives of Portland are there-- Fred and Carrie.
That's nice of you to say.
If you were to go up there, say, and just ring a few doorbells knock on a few doors-- Oh, one by one? One by one.
We have to recruit them one by one.
We can go up to Wallingford and Freemont.
- Freemont.
I was going to say Wallingford and Freemont.
- Great.
Great.
Those are two good areas.
Crown Heights.
Crown Heights.
Yeah, and Green Lake.
Green Lake? We could totally go th-- I was going to say Gr-- We can do Green Lake, Crown Heights.
You know a lot about Seattle.
Fred knows a lot about Seattle.
I sure do.
Yeah.
Really.
Yeah.
Crown Heights.
I mean, come on.
We had a kid, Rick Cardone, when I was growing up, and he went door to door.
Doing what? Nothing.
Rick Cardone would just knock on doors.
They would open the door, and there he was.
You know.
Right, you pick a page from Rick Cardone's book, and-- but you would be saying something, of course.
Right.
Right.
I think we could do that.
How's my knock? Very good, very friendly.
Oh, I like that.
Yeah, it was a friendly knock.
'Cause it's not ominous, like It's not interrogation.
It's not that.
"Let me in!" Yeah.
No, no.
You don't want to do that.
It's not also like a tentative little, like And where are doorbells usually? They're here-- here-- is it-- this is It doesn't happen anymore, does it? It's more You're going to lure them in.
Bring them in.
Just tell people in Seattle about Portland.
Good.
All right, this is a great plan.
You're going to have many more people come in.
Yeah.
All right.
We're going to do this.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Good.
Love your enthusiasm.
Sam, shred this.
Pedicab! Pedicab! Pedicab.
Hey.
Where you going? Want a ride? Pedicab.
Come on.
Pedico.
Hey.
Where you going? No? Hey! No? Hi.
No? Pedicab? No? Pedicab.
Ah-ah.
Pedicab.
Pedicab.
Morning, guys.
Pedicab.
Who's good cop-- Pedicab.
Pedicab.
Who's bad cop? Pedicab! Pedicab.
Pedicab.
You will not have to listen to a radio station you do not like.
Pedicab? Yes? No? Pedicab.
Come on.
Hey, where you going? Come on.
You wanna walk? Come on.
Come on.
Pedicoo.
Pedicab.
Yeah? Pedicoo.
Come on in! Hi.
Don't ignore me.
Come on.
Want a ride? Forget it.
Come on.
You can't ignore me! Duh! Ladies.
You don't have 10 bucks for a ride across town? Forget it.
It's a joke.
Wow.
Pedicab! Ignoring me.
Good workout.
You straight up ignored me.
Have a good one.
Pedicab.
Wanna get in? Pedicab.
Pedicab.
Don't ignore me.
You're gonna walk? Pedicab.
Guys having a picnic? Pedicab.
Wanna take all your food and eat it in the cab? Pedicab.
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
Pedicab.
Where you going? Going to work? To your friend's house? Just meeting a friend.
Party? Dollar a block.
Come on, a dollar for seven blocks.
Aah! That's like a free ride.
I wish I could jump up on this curb.
Ignored.
Deed! Hey, can I get a ride? Yes, right away.
Where you off to? Uh, the airport.
Portland airport.
PDX.
All right.
All right.
PDX.
Dollar a block.
Come on.
What airline? What terminal? Virgin.
All right.
I'm Royce from the Portland Milk Advisory.
And I'm Alisha.
Royce is my boss.
Last week we recommended zucchini milk, which had harmful side effects.
High levels of magnesium causing hearing loss.
Research is hard, so you can't be mad at us.
It's the boss's responsibility to apologize and be contrite.
I offer a half-hearted apology.
I am sorry.
This week we're going to recommend-- Berry seed milk.
Berry seed milk contains 10 essential amino acids and iron.
That was good research.
Well, we are scientists.
Are we? I am.
I went to U.
C.
Davis.
Go-o-o-o Davis.
- Mwah.
Bye.
- Anytime.
Oh, thanks, we will be back.
You come visit us.
All right, lovely to see you.
Thank you.
Drive safe.
Anytime you want to stay here.
Thank you.
Well done.
You, too, hon.
I like having people at the house.
You are a natural.
You're a natural.
What a natural host you are.
I just feel like we're kind of knocking around this big house, and it would just feel more homey to have people in it.
How could we do that, just keep inviting people over? Well, one option would be Open up a b&b.
Open up a b&b, as a business.
A little bed and breakfast.
I was thinking the same thing.
We are the king and queen of cozy.
I-I-I-I think it would be-- I-I-I-it would be definitely worth it, I think.
Where do you start? I-I-I'm going to help you with all things doily, then.
How does this work? Do we just buy a box of doilies? No, no, no, no.
We special-- we tailor the doilies here to your needs.
Okay.
Now that I know about the bed and breakfast, I've got to know about how many you need and what you need.
I will say I would love for the doilies to be an expression of that love-- Really? That we'll have for our guests.
Really? I would love to tell a story with these doilies.
Are you familiar with doilies at all? No, I don't-- We'll take a hundred.
Well, everybody is a beginner.
I love the whole beginner mentality.
We're all little baby chicks pecking our ways out of-- out of our shells.
Okay, so here's what can happen with this.
As we come up with a whole plan for this doil-l-ly-scape.
Great.
If I may.
Definitely, as long as we can have something that we can-- Yeah, right? Becau-- as long as-- because we don't have a basement we're going to be using.
What do you mean a basement? You don't have-- you're not going to include a basement in the-- No, that'll be our Private area.
Oh, really? How so? You mean-- No, but we need some kind of place where we can sort of escape to.
I see.
Okay.
Let's go through some of these things.
I'm just going to read off to you some of this stuff.
That's called "I see a cat.
" Okay, one, please.
Wha-what? We'll take one.
Okay, you can if you want, but I think-- Oh, now, this does have a little smell.
You smell that.
See if you-- And we'll say it together, what we think that evokes.
Candy.
Grapefruit juice.
You were so loud.
Boy, he's got a good set of pipes.
What did you say? Peter.
Do you sing? You've got a Yes.
Really? It gets me every time.
Beautiful.
That's the classic scale.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There we go.
I think you are set.
We didn't talk about this, but take a look at these.
That's kind of a surprise in there when you get there.
Thank you so much.
Lovely.
Thank you.
This is great.
Let me ask you a question.
What-what-what-what What are your summer hours? We were wondering if you were interested in accepting Portland into your life.
It can change your life.
It sure changed mine.
Consider joining us in Portland.
Have you considered raising your children under the gospel of Portland? Please join us.
And men, bring your bass guitars.
Trees, parks-- it's here in Portland.
Please, don't turn away.
A clean airport.
Hello.
Come in.
Let's go.
You can come in.
We're just having a house meeting.
It's almost over.
I'm tired of cleaning up after everybody.
The bathroom has been filthy for two weeks.
There's toothpaste everywhere, and there's this-- I'm the only one who ever cleans the bathroom.
You're not the only one that ever cleans the bathroom.
Oh, really? Are you the boss? Who made you the boss of the house? I'm the boss.
I'm the queen.
Can we-- can we say something? Excuse us, brothers and sisters, but-- we might have a solution for you.
We're here on behalf of Portland, Oregon.
Have you guys heard of the chore wheel? See, you put your name in here.
Your name there.
And then you just turn it every day and then your name goes to whatever-- What's your name? Alexandra.
You do the living room, and then the next day-- This way there's never any argument.
That seems like exactly what we need.
It's going to solve all of our problems.
Why are you so eager to jump in? We don't know these guys.
Anyway, it comes from the city of Portland.
This is a good city to go to.
We feel this room is drenched in a certain amount of cynicism, and if you'd like to convert to a way of harmony-- let me ask you something.
Do you know who Kurt Cobain is? I do.
Do you know where he lived? I do know where he lived.
Okay, that's called Seattle, not Portland.
Okay, I hear that people drive really slow in Oregon.
Rather be in a slow car in Portland then a car just barreling down a dumb, old hill in some city that looks like all the others.
As far as I understand, Kurt Cobain never had a chore wheel, so I don't see why we need one.
I'm open to it.
Yeah.
You should come.
Yeah.
Go with them.
Did you hear? He wants you to come with us.
No, no, no You should definitely come go with them.
They seem really cool and nice.
I won't mind.
I'm not saying that.
That's not me.
I wasn't doing anything.
We have all the answers here.
We have Kurt Cobain.
We have the space needle, seahawks.
We're doing fine.
We have the answers here in Seattle.
We'll let you guys discuss.
Yeah, please.
Very nice to meet you.
You're all very, very nice, and read this or don't read it.
Thank you so much.
It's really inspiring.
And use the chore wheel.
You'll be surprised.
Bye.
Do you think we're on the correct path to righteousness? I'm gonna tell you a story.
It's a funny story.
It's an old story.
A traveler.
And he came from the east, and he had so many fancy things, and he came to Portland.
All of a sudden he stripped away everything.
He eschewed the 60-hour work week.
He shed himself-- Of expensive clothing.
Expensive clothing.
That man was Me.
That man was you.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Go timbers.
Is this a good wine? Oh, this is the best.
I read the review.
It's the best ever on planet earth.
That's what the review said.
The guy at New Seasons said it was great.
Oh, we watched Breaking Bad last night.
Did you see it? Oh, my God, no spoilers.
No, no.
We haven't watched it yet.
We tevo'd it.
We just finished the first season.
The best television I've ever seen.
The way they do it, and Gus-- No, we haven't seen it.
Spoiler alert.
Stop.
That's not a giveaway.
We'll talk about it behind your back.
Season one, you're like, what kind of a show is this? Season two-- Stop.
Stop! Hold on a second.
I'm not saying anything.
All I'm saying, wasn't it cool the way it went down? So you guys watching Game of Thrones? Who isn't? So who's king? Is it Joffrey? We just started.
It's so good.
Are you guys watching Mad Men? Damn it! No! No, stop, stop.
Don with Megan are-- I had no idea.
Wait till you see the new season of Dexter.
Michael C.
Hall in the van? Spoiler alert.
True Blood? So you've seen when Tara turns into a vampire.
Change subject.
Okay, what about Downtown-- the Christmas special was wonderful.
Oh, shut up.
Homeland.
Stop it.
Sergeant Brody and Claire Danes hooked up.
Stop it.
Okay, what's something we've all seen? Six Feet Under.
We can all talk about that.
Do not tell me.
Michael C.
Hall in the van.
Spoiler alert.
Now we don't even have to watch it.
Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze.
He's what? Luke's father is actually Darth Vader.
He's what? She's the sister and the daughter.
She's what? Kill off Dumbledore.
He's dead? will die eventually, like Christopher on The Sopranos.
He's dead? It's not a spoiler.
Only watched the first episode.
Did you go see Sixth Sense? Shut up! Seinfeld? Golden Girls? Boy Meets World? Nothing past season eight.
Is that before or after Corey marries Topanga? You know that pisses me off-- you guys have seen The Wire, right? I've only watched the first three episodes.
Omar? He gets killed by the little kid? Did you see that coming? If you haven't gotten to it yet, Omar getting killed by a little kid on The Wire, it's not even a spoiler, because the way they do it Best.
They shoot him! LA LA LA LA LA How are you guys with this right now? Like this moment in time.
You wanna know what happens next? Don't spoil it.
Stop it.
You don't wanna know how this ends? No.
No.
It's pretty cool.
Please stop.
Don't spoil it.
Listen, li-- Damn.
Apparently that whole thing was just a dream.
I had that dream again, about those white people giving a dinner party.
I didn't mean to spoil it for you.
Candice, we got a review on yelp.
Oh, wow.
One star-- is that good or bad? It's the lowest rating.
"Women and women worst"? "Women and women first feminist bookstore is not worth even looking at from across the street"? That is the best angle of our store.
Oh! I wonder if it's that woman over there.
We can never be sure.
Hi.
Enjoying looking around? Did you ever go on a computer? And write review-zuh? If you don't like our store, tell us to our face-zez.
Yes, next, hi, hello.
Thank you for coming to women and women first.
Or not thank you.
Well, we don't know, but if it's you, let me tell you something.
I will hold your hand and go out into the street and make us both get hit by a car that'll push us into another car, and we'll go back and forth all day, being hit by cars, holding hands real tight, and I will not let go.
Have a nice yelp.
I don't trust anybody anymore.
Toni, I think I feel like hitting you about it.
What? I won't, but I want to hit you.
Look, she's written other reviews.
She gave this place a five-star-- "Tavin's Pub.
I order a burn-your-face-off margarita "with a splash of tabasco and lemon instead of lime.
" I'd like to burn your face off.
I don't think she can hear you.
Who would go to a sports bar and also come here? It's a very specific kind of person.
Oh! I think what we should do is confront this woman.
Let's go now.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Whoo! I can't even remember the last time I was in a sports bar, maybe never.
I feel like we're in a war zone or combat zone.
I'll have a burn-your-face margarita with a little splash of tabasco and lemon, not lime.
Thanks.
That's-- that's the drink.
Hi, how are you? I'm good, thanks.
Do you write reviews for yelp at all? Oh, maybe once or twice.
We have a store called women and women first.
It's a book store.
And someone was very rude about the way that the store is, and the way the service is, and it sounds very much like you might be the person.
I didn't get very good service, so.
We pride ourselves on giving good service.
So I don't understand what the problem was.
You didn't say anything then.
I wanted, like, three books, and you couldn't find any of them.
Why is that so important, finding a book? Well, that's-- that's why you go to a bookstore? So you're telling me the book store is not supposed to sell books? Oh, my God, that's Martina Navratilova.
Yeah? And? That's Martina.
Are you Martina Navratilova? You finally figured it out.
Hallelujah.
Is this good form? Perhaps it would be helpful if you just kept your eyes open? But, Martina, we see you as a feminist.
Why would you ever do something against another woman? I believe I got bad service.
So that's all I could write.
Whether the store is owned by two women or two men is irrelevant.
That's what feminism is about, is good reviews.
Is that a fact? The suffragette movement was women wanted the right to vote.
That's giving a good review to the president.
I mean, if you're not going to give us a good review, could you at least sign a copy of your book? We're big fans.
Can you sign it? For us? You walk around with my book in your purse? Okay.
"To Toni and Candice.
" To Toni and Candice.
"Pretty cool running into you guys.
You seem like you have a lot going on.
" Wait a minute.
Slow down.
"Guess I didn't really mean to write a bad review, but--" You really want me to write this in here? Yeah.
"But people get into moods, and, well, I guess I stand corrected.
" Can you also sign it from Chris Evert? You want me to fake Chris Evert's signature? Mm-hmm, and Stephanie Graf.
Try the burn-your-face-off margarita.
It's actually not that bad.
As the mayor of Portland, I wish to welcome you.
I hereby initiate you into our city.
Feel free to use the fire hydrants and the sidewalks as your own.
Brian and Joseph, you are welcome here.
Mr.
mayor.
Fred.
Hi, where are the people? Carrie, meet our newest citizens.
These guys? Oh, they're the best.
Brian and Joseph, the newest members of our community.
Yeah, but where are the people, the new population? Well, I don't know.
Were you able to make contact? We tried.
We really tried.
But I really thought people would come out.
Brian and Joseph came.
Hey, guys.
And they're very happy here.
I know.
Yeah.
We have so many fire hydrants and so many sidewalks and trees for them to enjoy.
Seems like the dog missionary did so much better than we did.
You know, it's a long way from Seattle down here.
Maybe the buses are late.
You never know what could've happened.
It's just weird that no one came.
This is empty as can be.
Yeah, but Brian and Joseph are here.
Like I said, they're here.
Sorry, yeah, hey.
There's all this set up and all these chairs and the table-- We didn't need chairs.
I don't know.
I mean, just nobody.
Except Brian and Joseph.
But, I mean, like a human being.
So you're saying genetically humans and dogs are fairly close.
Well, yeah, but Brian and Joseph.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey, it's you.
I made it.
I remember you.
Yeah, in Seattle.
From that group house.
Yeah, I just got off the bus.
Are you visiting? What's the story? I decided to move to Portland.
Yay! Oh, my God, I'm so psyched.
This is going to be so great.
The trees and the bike lanes and the recycling.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays.
What's your name again? Alexandra.
Alexandra, welcome to Portland.
Hi, hi.
I'm going to move here, to Portland.
Perfect.
Yay! Welcome.
Yes.
So where are you going to live? Well, I didn't really work that out yet.
I mean Do you You could stay with us, yeah, big house.
There's plenty of room.
Just make yourself at home.
Okay.
Yay! Whoo-hoo! Yay.
Even though we just met you.
Roommates.
Yep.
I'm just going to put these down.
Oh, and you have to meet Brian and Joseph.
Do you have some place where I can urinate? But it's going to be a pretty heavy, strong one.
Maybe like something out back that you use for dumping out mop water? I'm saying this for your own good, for your own bar.
We appreciate it.
I don't really care, but it's for you guys, so something I'm gonna be there a while.
This is gonna be loud Do you got like a horse bucket or something?