Rumpole of the Bailey (1978) s03e03 Episode Script
Rumpole and the Old Boy Net
(Man) Who is it? Custard.
(Man) Oh, come in, old chap.
Shall we go inside, sir? I say, steady on, you chaps.
Got a warrant, I suppose? Don't argue, Napier.
Don't demean yourself.
(Napier) I say, KV, you fellows.
KV.
Officer, can't we be a little bit civilised? There's no need to forget Mr Manners, is there? (Screaming) You can have a nice cup of tea.
Get dressed, sir, and follow me.
Why can't we get a kettle put on? There you are, Susan.
Upsy-daisy, dear.
(Napier) Nothing.
Steady on, you chaps.
(Woman) All right, I'm going.
An Englishman's home is his castle, you know.
Does anyone know the? If you wouldn't mind waiting while we check Excuse me.
Name, sir? You have no right.
It's a question of national security.
Name, please.
Don't bother to make up nom de plume.
We'll need some sort of identification.
(Rumpole) "This be the verse you grave for me.
"Here he lies where he longed to be.
"Home is the sailor, home from sea.
And the hunter home from the hill.
" You're back then, Mr Rumpole? Back, yes, Henry.
No thanks to you.
Next time I'm in Africa, try not to send a cable saying, "The murder has been arranged.
" They were nearly ordering my execution.
- The murder went off.
- So did I nearly.
But Mr Bernard rang, sir.
He wants a con today in the bawdyhouse case.
R V Lee.
"Keep thy foot out of brothels," Henry.
Such places are far more entertaining to litigate about than to visit.
Tell Bernard I'm ready.
"On Her Majesty's Service.
" Has our gracious queen nothing better to do than to write to me about money I'm supposed to owe her wretched government? What's this? A letter from LAC.
L-A-C.
Lawyers as churchgoers.
"Moral Purpose In The Law.
"A call to witness for all believing barristers.
" The brothel case, eh? Not much danger of finding any moral cause in that.
Rumpole, great heavens! We thought you'd gone native! We pictured you ruling some primitive tribe under a bong tree! Oh, Erskine-Brown, you are a caution.
Well, I'd better take charge of the primitive tribe in these Chambers.
Is Guthrie Featherstone's old room empty? We're deciding the Head of Chambers problem at the Chambers' meeting.
Nobody in Guthrie's old room, is there, Henry? (Henry) No.
I don't think you ought to - Rumpole.
- Hmm? A word.
I think it only fair to let you know.
I've done it.
Then, plead guilty, Claude.
- I've applied for silk, Rumpole.
- Oh? I've got a reasonable chance.
Phylli's right behind me.
Claude Erskine-Brown, QC.
How do you think it sounds? Very promising, provided you're on the other side.
When is this QC business likely to take place? In about six weeks.
- After the Chambers' meeting? - Yes.
That's all right, then.
Best of British luck, old man.
(Sobs) What are you doing in here? I thought it was all right.
Doesn't this room belong to a judge who doesn't come here any more? Bare ruined choirs where late, sweet Guthrie sang.
Is it shoplifting? You're too young for divorce.
I I'm a barrister.
Oh, bad luck.
Here.
Thank you.
I'm Mrs Erskine-Brown's pupil.
Mrs Erskine-Brown? Phyllida Trant that was.
The Portia of our Chambers.
Miss Phyllida Trant now has a pupil.
Good Lord.
How time flies, hmm? She left me in a case after lunch at Tower Bridge.
There was an argument about the evidence.
I said I couldn't do it without Miss Trant, who was in a difficulty.
Oh, you should have charged in, taken your chance.
The magistrate said, "What sort of difficulty?" And I said, "I think she's still at the hairdresser's.
" Oh, Lord, yes.
Forgetting the first lesson for a pupil - protect the private life of your learned pupil master or mistress.
Now, Mrs Erskine-Brown says I'm wet behind the ears and I'd better get myself a job in the glove department at Harrods.
She says they probably won't want another woman in Chambers anyway.
You've got a name, have you, I suppose? Fiona Allways.
Oh.
Well, that's not your fault.
It's all I've ever wanted to be.
When girls wanted to ride showjumpers, I stood in front of the mirror and made speeches in murder cases.
Look, I'm doing a conference here shortly.
You can take a note of it, if you like.
Make yourself useful.
No objection to prostitution, have you? (Shrieks) What's the matter now? I suppose you think that's all I'm fit for! (Hilda) And those savoury bits that you do so well, Dodo.
- People do like those, don't they? - Mmm.
People do.
What exactly do you want them for? For Rumpole's first Chambers' party, as Head.
And as the Head's lady, I shall want to keep an eye on the catering.
That's why I'm nobbling you for your little cheesy bits, Dodo.
Is it such a thing, being Head of Chambers? Daddy, C H Wystan, was Head of our Chambers.
- That was how I met Rumpole.
- Oh, yes.
I think I remember.
The Head of Chambers is captain of the ship, Dodo.
Tremendously respected.
Oh, and I got this in the spring sales, at Debenhams' Cocktail Hour For The More Mature Woman.
Mmm.
Marigold Featherstone used to wear all kinds of things when Guthrie was Head.
- Most of them quite unsuitable.
- This will be quite a thing for you.
But I'm not at all nervous, Dodo, provided I know you're behind me with your little cheesy bits.
(Rumpole) It is not just a matter of a disorderly house.
The prosecution have aimed their big guns at you, loaded with a charge of blackmail.
Demanding money with menaces.
I've explained it to the clients.
Neither Napier nor I understand anyone saying that about us, can we, Nappy? All our clients are such awfully decent people.
Public school, of course.
We do think that makes such a difference.
'This madam would appear to be the most appalling snob.
' Napier was at Lawnhurst, Mr Rumpole.
Down for it from birth.
Weren't you, Nappy? The governor put me down for Lawnhurst at birth.
Mr Napier Lee, Mrs Lorraine Lee, it is very pleasant to be sitting here over a cup of tea, discussing the merits of the public-school system, but you have been charged with obtaining money by threats, and from a very distinguished gentleman by the name of - Please, Mr Rumpole.
- No need to name names, is there? (Mrs Lee) Not with a man in his position.
He was at Lawnhurst, then New College, Oxford, the Guards and now the Foreign Office.
The gentleman in question, it would appear, paid your gas bills from time to time.
When business was slack.
I'm not denying it.
He helped us out.
Did you threaten to publish his little secret, if he didn't? Oh, no! He knew we'd never do that.
Didn't he, Nappy? He knew.
He was in my house.
- Your disorderly house? - My house at Lawnhurst, sir.
Ah, yes.
It would have been sneaking.
One does not sneak.
It's against the code.
That's all we have to tell you.
No, no.
Please.
There is something else you can tell me.
Please sit down.
How on earth did you get into this business? I mean, looking at you, a small twinset and cardigan shop in Cheltenham Spa would seem more appropriate.
Napier had a bit of bad luck in the City.
Like my father before me.
Also, his health wasn't up to it, after the war.
Ticker a bit dicky, don't you know, after playing a long innings against brother Bosch.
Napier has a dicky ticker.
Back in Civvy Street, I happened to run into old Nappy! We discussed the possibilities of a business, like the one we've been running.
A friendly house.
For the very nicest type of customer.
The kind that Nappy got to know on the old-boy net.
He very decently came up with a spot of capital.
I see.
This helpful person was a friend you'd known for some time? Yes.
An old mate, you understand, from Ah, ah, ah.
From way back.
We'd drifted apart a bit over the years.
Was he perhaps an old school friend? Napier couldn't possibly tell you a thing like that.
- Ah, against the code? - That's right.
Against the code.
Like wearing suede shoes with a dark suit, what? Oh Yes.
I didn't go to Lawnhurst.
My public school was a poorly run penal colony on the Norfolk coast.
(Nasal accent) The only code I got there was a code of the dose! Yes, we at Linklaters never got to know the really top people.
Yes, Mr Rumpole.
We know.
Nappy looked you up, and we're both terribly sorry.
Conference over.
Night.
Mr Rumpole, I had your wife on the phone, sir.
She Who Must Be Obeyed.
Did she want to speak to me? She wanted to speak to me on the subject of snacks.
Snacks? You know, sausage rolls, little cheesy bits, she said, sir.
I told her we'd have no party until after the meeting.
Then we'd be able to welcome our new Head of Chambers.
Head of Chambers! She Who Must Be Obeyed has set her heart upon it.
She will not take "no" for an answer.
Do you follow me? Yes, Mr Rumpole, I follow you.
- It's Rumpole, isn't it? - A piece of him.
Ballard.
Sam Ballard.
I'm leading in Lee for the Crown.
Ah.
'Not a terribly cheering prospect.
'This character might have passed as reasonably good-Iooking.
'When he was alive.
' I passed Chambers this morning.
In fact, I dropped something in your tray.
Really? I can't say I noticed, Bollard.
- Ballard.
- Oh, Ballard.
Sorry.
About a meeting of lawyers as churchgoers.
Can you join us? We should value your contribution.
Ah, well, my doctor has warned me against all undue excitement.
This get-together of yours may place considerable strain on the old ticker.
Henry warned me about you.
He said you had a sense of humour.
Oh, only a mild one, Bollard.
Nothing fatal.
Have you managed to keep free of it? What do you do? Jog a lot, I imagine.
(Giggles) Some of our keenest members scoffed at the outset.
Really? Well, I never! I certainly hope that this little prosecution will be conducted in a thoroughly Christian spirit.
You can rely on me for that.
I hope to see a certain reluctance on your part about casting the first stone.
Decent men, family men, men who had earned the respect of the community and were placed in positions of trust, found themselves tempted by this house, 66, Barnadine Square, Victoria.
Men left that house, members of the Jury, with their consciences burdened with guilt, and their wallets lightened.
Among the many respectable figures that fell victim to the temptations of 66, Barnadine Square 'Among the many respectable figures? Who, I wonder? 'Doctors? Politicians? Police officers? Lawyers? 'Judges? 'Oh, I must ask my clients.
'They'd never tell me.
Far too discreet.
Against the code.
'The thought is too good to be true.
'A bull in a knocking shop.
' Over the door of 66, Barnadine Square was that which Dante chose for his inferno.
"Abandon hope, all ye" He's wasting his time, this fellow Bollard.
The Bull probably thinks that Dante is somebody who does conjuring tricks on television.
find out the fly was trapped.
He couldn't get away.
If he was a man who enjoyed important position in public life, he would pay anything you may think to buy the silence of this brazen woman and her procuring husband.
What did he say? I think the gentleman is talking about us, Nappy.
I looked him up.
Marlborough.
Then I wonder they didn't teach him better manners.
in bringing this couple to justice.
Thank you.
My Lord, I will call my first witness.
Please do, Mr Ballard.
Who is it, old love? Don't be coy about it.
They're ready for you, sir.
I swear by Almighty God the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Name, please.
My Lord, I would make the usual application in a blackmail case.
I would ask the witness be known simply as Mr X, and that Your Lordship should direct the press not to repeat the name under any circumstances.
That seems a very proper order, in view of this gentleman's position.
You have no objection, Mr Rumpole? I do object.
Yes, My Lord.
British justice is meant to take place in public, and the ladies and gentlemen of the press have a right to report the witnesses' names.
There is an exception to this rule in blackmail cases, as you well know.
In that case, I would have no objection, provided a similar concession had been made for the benefit of my clients.
My Lord.
My Lord, we should continue with this in the absence of the Jury, - if there is to be an argument.
- You can bet your shirt there will be.
Very well.
Members of the Jury! Members of the Jury, legal matters arise from time to time that have to be resolved.
Would you go to your room? We shan't have to detain you long.
Mr Rumpole, did I hear an unusual argument with regard to the defendants? That they should be known as Mr and Mrs Y.
Why not? My learned friend has talked about embarrassment.
Mr and Mrs Lee have been plastered over the front pages of every newspaper in the United Kingdom! "Darby and Joan house of shame.
" "Charged with being top people's madam," and so forth.
They've had to submit to a barrage of prejudicial publicity, while their client can creep into court under a letter of the alphabet, and preserve his precious respectability intact.
Mr Rumpole, there is no charge against this gentleman.
He is innocent of any crime.
So are my clients innocent.
Innocent until proven guilty.
Or doesn't that rule apply in Your Lordship's court? Rumpole, this court is entitled to some respect! I have so much respect for this court that I give it the credit for applying the law of England.
Unless that's been changed.
I merely ask for information.
Your application that your clients' name should not be published is refused.
The case may be reported in full as far as they are concerned.
They'll be delighted to contribute to the entertainment of the great British breakfast.
If Your Lordship pleases.
(Judge) Now, Mr Ballard.
I suppose your argument would be that if this witness's secrets were exposed to the public, then, in effect, the blackmail threat would have been successful.
- That is your argument? - It is now you've told him.
Yes, it is, My Lord.
Your Lordship puts it so much better than I can.
'Soapy Sam Ballard, 'your religious beliefs don't prevent a little grovelling on occasion.
' It's nearly one o'clock, but I will give judgement on this point now, so the witness may enjoy his lunch with a degree of peace of mind.
Oh, how nice! The defendants, through their counsel, seem particularly anxious this gentleman's patronage of their house of ill repute - should become widely known.
- (Mouthing) If that were allowed, it would be a blackmailer's charter.
No victim would ever dare to go to the police.
I am determined that this witness's high reputation shall be protected.
He will give his evidence to the jury as Mr X after lunch.
Coming, Miss Allways? That was absolutely splendid, Mr Rumpole.
Your fight for press freedom.
I thought I was rather shot down in flames.
The judge really wants a protection society for the punters.
- Bye bye, Fifi.
- See you.
Bye.
- Who's that? - Isobel Vincent.
She was a prefect when I was at Benenden.
I hero-worshipped her.
Do girls have an old-boy network, too? Isobel works for Home Counties News, tremendously into Women's Liberation.
- So am I.
- You? All for it.
Especially the liberation of Mrs Lorraine Lee.
Thank you.
I think it's unfair, keeping his name a secret.
Oh, do you, Fiona? Thank you.
Rumpole and Miss Allways to see Mr and Mrs Lee.
- Thank you, sir.
Number three.
- Thank you.
Those places wouldn't exist if it weren't for Mr Xs.
- I suppose you know what his name is.
- Yes.
He signed his deposition.
- So you could tell anybody.
- Ah! Contempt of court is a silent exercise, Fiona, like meditation.
- I've never been to the cells before.
- Have you not? For me, the cells have become a sort of home from home.
We don't want his name splashed all over the papers, Mr Rumpole.
We wouldn't want that.
(Mr Lee) Damn painful, a man in his position.
The old-boy net.
He sneaked on you! Why not return the compliment? Whatever he's done, we've got to do the decent thing.
We think the judge is a perfect gentleman.
What? - Don't we, Nappy? - Absolutely.
He didn't want the poor fellow's name all over the papers.
(Mrs Lee) It would be terribly embarrassing.
It would be terribly embarrassing, Mrs Lorraine Lee, if you and your husband spent five years in prison for blackmail.
What about me? You may be snug as a bug in the nick.
I cannot afford to lose cases at this point in my career.
I am about to be elevated to high office.
- Why just gas? - What? You used a lot of gas at Barnadine Square? No, not particularly.
The bills used to lie out on the hall table.
He offered to pay one or two, out of kindness, really.
Yes.
He used to give us a little cheque.
A cheque? In a house of ill repute, a cheque? Mr X is either very naive or Or what? Yes, indeed.
Or what? I don't know.
We may never have a chance to find out.
We don't like it being called a house of ill repute, Mr Rumpole.
That isn't nice.
We call it a friendly house.
(Inaudible) Hello, Ballard.
I enjoyed the sermon.
Did you, Rumpole? Haven't had so much fun since the school parson gave us 45 minutes of hellfire.
You You always eat here, do you? Yes, of course.
Don't you use the Bar mess? As a matter of fact, I prefer the pub across the road.
More chance of rubbing shoulders with a few respectable criminals.
Awful lot of barristers here.
You must take me to your pub sometime.
We should get rather better acquainted.
I might drop in on one of your churchgoers' meeting.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
I think there's a great deal to be said for introducing more Christian spirit into the law.
- I'm so glad you think so.
- Oh, I do, I do.
As I understand it, "There's more joy in heaven, "if one sinner repenteth," all that sort of thing.
All that sort of thing, yes.
If two sinners repenteth to the tune of pleading guilty to keeping a disorderly house, wilt thou not drop the blackmailing charge, old cock? No! No.
They could get five years for blackmail.
Keeping a disorderly house is a mere six months.
Is that the reason behind your appeal to Christian principles? You have a cynical attitude for a churchgoer.
Blessed are the blackmailers for they shall have no stain on their characters.
Is that your version of the Sermon on the Mount? "Prisons are built with stones of law.
"Brothels with bricks of religion.
" That's William Blake.
The William Blake version.
I'll give you another quotation.
"For I come not to call the righteous but the sinners to repentance.
" Matthew 9.
Verse 13.
You rely heavily on the scriptures.
You really must join us at LAC.
My old father was a cleric.
I'll tell you something.
He hated Bible classes.
The judge will be back soon.
Five years.
They'd really get five years? You know what we want in this case, Fiona, old lad? A witness or two.
A witness who knows something about Mr X.
Who will come galloping to our aid while no one knows who the hell he is? (Rumpole) You won't mind me calling you Mr X? - No.
- Thought you wouldn't.
How long were you an habituary of this house of ill repute? Mr Rumpole, does that make the slightest difference? Please answer, unless My Lord rules against it on a point of law.
I'd been visiting for five years.
Five years.
On your way home from directing the nation's affairs - Mr Rumpole.
- Yes, very well.
On your way home from work, before you got lost in the bosom of your family, it was your practice to pop into 66, Barnadine Square? Yes.
Tell me, how did you find out about this place? - Find out about it? - Gossip at the club, was it? Or perhaps an advertisement in "The Times" personal columns? (Laughter) - I heard about it from an old friend.
- An old friend.
Was it by any chance someone you knew at school? I'd known him nearly all my life.
- You had kept up with him? - No.
We met again after many years.
- Where? - In a public house.
- In the Victoria area? - Near there.
How long ago was this meeting in a pub in Victoria? - About five years ago.
- Five years ago.
The old school friend in question wasn't by any chance Mr Napier Lee, defendant in this case? 'First rule of cross-examination: Never ask unless you know the answer.
' - Yes.
- Speak up, Mr X.
Yes, My Lord.
It was Mr Napier Lee.
'A miracle! How did I get God on my side? ' - What did he tell you? - He told me that he'd been ill.
He said he had a house near Victoria station, and he and his wife were starting a business there.
- A business in agreeable ladies? - Yes.
Did you offer to put some capital into that business? The court had kept your name secret, because you're so respectable.
Are you not in fact an investor in a bawdyhouse? - The witness should be warned.
- I do know my job, Mr Ballard.
You are not bound to answer questions that might incriminate you.
Now, do you wish to answer Mr Rumpole's question, or would you rather not? I would prefer not to.
You would prefer not to.
So you had an arrangement with Mr and Mrs Lee over five years.
They had five years to blackmail you, if they wanted to.
I suppose so.
Yet there wasn't the slightest suggestion until six months ago? That is right.
When you say you were asked by them to pay a couple of trivial gas bills.
Bills for £145.
00 and £137.
53.
And you paid these bills for the Lees by cheque? - Yes.
- Why? Because as I have told you, Mr Rumpole, they threatened to tell my employers about my visits unless I did so.
I don't mean that.
Why did you pay by cheque? Oh, I don't know exactly.
Did you ever pay by cheque when you visited on previous occasions? - No.
- Always in cash? - Of course.
- Yes.
You did not want your name left in connection with the Lees' business.
On the occasion of this alleged blackmail, you did want a record.
I told you, I don't know why I paid by cheque.
Those occasions Was it because you needed evidence on which to base this allegation of blackmail against my clients? No! Well, I suppose I just didn't think about it.
Thank you, Mr X.
Mr X, when you paid in cash, I presume you paid the girls in the establishment? Yes, My Lord.
Did it strike you as a different matter when you were paying the gas bills for them? - Yes, My Lord.
- But you saw no particular harm in paying that great public authority by cheque? No harm at all.
No! We'll rise now.
10:30 tomorrow morning, members of the Jury.
(Rumpole sighs) Well, Rumpole, how did it go? I suppose it could be described as a nightmare.
- You mean it's not going well? - Well? We have a prosecutor who wears a hair shirt, and seems to have done his pupillage under the Inquisition.
The mad Bull is madder than ever.
Our chief witness has this in common with Lohengrin - no one must ever ask him his name.
My clients think it's in the best public-school tradition to be found guilty of blackmail.
There we all are, down the Old Bailey.
"Rolled round in earth's diurnal course "With rocks and stone and trees.
" It's giving me a headache.
I mean in Chambers, Rumpole.
The Headship.
Is it going to be ours? You have a remarkable legal ambition, Hilda.
Sorry I can't bring you the Lord Chief Justice's chain of office, with a bottle of Château de Plonkenheim.
- Not the Lord Chancellor.
- He'll be very relieved to hear it.
Just Head of Daddy's old Chambers.
There's no one more senior than you? No one longer in bottle as a legal hack, no.
- And no silks? - No.
Not so far.
Erskine-Brown's application doesn't come up until after the Chambers' meeting.
Then it's in the bag.
Fear nothing, Hilda.
As far as I'm concerned, your election is assured.
Dodo's agreed to help out at the party.
She does all sorts of dips.
Oh, damned versatile, Dodo.
She paints, too, doesn't she? Oh, look, it's Ms Thing.
'There have been revelations in the Top People's Disorderly House case.
'Home Counties News can reveal that Mr X 'is the senior civil servant 'at the Foreign Office, Sir Cuthbert Pericles.
'He is only one of the men highly placed in public life 'who are believed to have visited the house.
'This is Isobel Vincent, Home Counties News ' - My God.
- Whatever's the matter, Rumpole? You're nearest the window.
Did you hear a noise coming from Kensington? What sort of noise? His Honour, Judge Bullingham, blowing up! Almost 50 years of experience at the Bar and on the Bench, I have never known a more flagrant, wicked and inexcusable contempt of court! The order of this court was clear.
- How long will it take him? - I told him 10:30.
- He's late.
- I promised we'd call him first.
We'll call him first, all right.
But the contempt here was committed by a person who is neither a gentleman nor from the press.
The person is female and from television.
Any person who has been in this court, any person at all who had a hand in this matter, they will be sort out and punished.
I will send the papers to the Director of Public Prosecutions.
Bernie, look for him.
The Bull's running out of steam.
what action shall be taken against this most foolish, wicked young woman.
- Mr Lucas? - Yes.
I'm Bernard.
Could we have a moment to check over what you've told me? Yes.
Now, when did you say this meeting first took place? Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, in opening for the defence, it is my duty to outline the evidence that we shall be calling.
I will be calling a witness 'I hope to God I'll call a witness.
' who may be able to penetrate the pall of secrecy that has fallen over this case, who may have the bad manners and the rotten taste to actually tell us the truth about the evidence who may be able to penetrate for us the old-boy net Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, I will now call - Who? - Mr Stephen Lucas.
Simon - Stephen! - Stephen Lucas.
Very well, Mr Rumpole.
Take the book in your right hand and repeat the oath from the card.
the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Mr Stephen Lucas, you are a member of the Foreign Office Legal Department? Yes, I am.
Do you know the witness we call Mr X? I have asked him to come back to court so that you may identify him.
- Yes, I do.
- Is he a friend of yours? We meet in the Foreign Office, of course.
I know him fairly well and over a long period.
Yes, of course.
Do you remember lunching with him a year ago at his club - and was that at his invitation? - Yes, it was.
What did you discuss? Do you remember? A number of things.
The work of my department and so on.
He asked me questions about the Contempt of Court Act.
The Contempt of Court Act.
What particular aspect of that act was Mr X interested in? In the court's power to order that the name of a witness in a blackmail case should be kept secret, perhaps for ever.
I remember his observing that, therefore, if you wanted your name kept out of a particular scandal, all you would have to do would be to accuse someone of blackmail.
I see.
Mr Lucas, what made you remember this conversation? It was last night when I heard Mr X's name on the television news.
I thought it might have some bearing.
You may well be right.
And you no doubt felt that it was your public duty to come forward.
Mr Lucas, you say that you know Mr X very well.
You didn't by any chance go to school together? No, I wasn't at Lawnhurst.
Thank you, Mr Lucas.
Thank the Lord he wasn't.
We wouldn't have got a word out of him.
So, so, so.
You wouldn't have given evidence, if there hadn't been a contempt of court and Mr X's name hadn't been mentioned on the television news? That's right.
I agree.
It is all very unfortunate, but what can I do about it? I can't exclude this evidence.
No, no, no.
No, My Lord.
No, but it is most unfortunate.
It is indeed, but then the harm has been done.
'Or the good.
'It depends on which way you look at it, old love.
' So it would seem to be clear, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, that Mr X could not bring himself to give up his visits to the friendly house at 66, Barnadine Square.
Yet he was terrified that one day the place may be raided and his name would come out in the scandal.
So, he hit upon this over-elaborate insurance device.
Two cheques - sure proof that he had paid money on the Lees' behalf - would lay the foundation for a trumped-up charge which would keep his name a secret for ever.
It was a devious plan, cunning, complicated, expensive and absolutely futile.
A plan that would occur to somebody in our country's government.
And why was it futile? Because Mr X need never have worried.
He had nothing to fear.
The Lees would never have betrayed his pathetic little secret.
It would have been against their code.
For it was for them, as it never was for Mr X, a question of morality.
Well Six months for the disorderly house, I'm afraid.
A first-class result on the blackmail, Mr Rumpole.
Wasn't it, Mr Bernard? Thank you.
I just hope Custard didn't think we sneaked on him.
He knows we'd never do a thing like that, Nappy.
Custard? Why Custard? His name was Cuthbert, so we called him Custard at school.
I suppose that follows.
Well, even if Custard didn't behave very well, we didn't break the code.
Something to comforting us.
It won't be too bad.
They'll send you to an open prison.
When a chap's been to Lawnhurst, prison should be a piece of cake.
You never know, you might meet some old boys.
- I didn't go to Lawnhurst.
- By Jove, that's a point.
- (Rumpole) Yes.
- I didn't go to Roedean either.
It's boys-only where I'm going, I suppose? Yes, I'm afraid so.
No coeducation.
I'm awfully sorry, old girl.
We're going to be separated.
Not for long, Nappy.
We've had a marvellous offer for the freehold.
Yes.
Not to mention the goodwill.
It was a marvellous win.
One thing you'll have to learn very quickly if you want to be a barrister, keep the rules.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Don't you? Oh, don't worry.
I don't imagine Ms Isobel Vincent is going to reveal her sources.
She's all out for martyrdom but you must keep the rules.
You can swear at them, argue your way round them, do your damnedest to change them, but if you break them, how the hell are you going to help the other poor idiot in trouble? I'll never get a place in Chambers now.
I don't know.
Perhaps you will, perhaps you won't.
There is another little cause or matter you can help me with.
- Can I? - Oh, yes.
The defence of Ms Vincent.
Look up the contempt-of-court cases, why don't you? Oh, yes.
We've got to keep the good Ms out of the nick.
I don't know about you but martyrs make me nervous.
He will be busy up until the middle of next week.
- Mr Rumpole.
- Yes? - The Chambers' meeting has started.
- Meeting? In Mr Justice Featherstone's old room, sir.
The Judge's clerk came round with a letter for you, sir.
A billet-doux from a judge? How very most unusual.
(Chattering) Bollard! Bollard! What's going on? Is this a prayer meeting? What are you doing here? Hasn't anyone told you? Featherstone J said he'd written as soon as you were back.
(Guthrie) 'Dear old Horace, old boy, 'just a brief note to introduce Sam Ballard, 'who was in fact, my fag master at Marlborough.
'Sam came to me looking for a London home.
'AII the others agreed.
As you were off in the jungle, 'we knew you'd have no objection.
'Someone will have to take over as Head of Chambers 'as I'm detained during Her Majesty's pleasure, 'and Sam Ballard is clearly a likely candidate.
'Marigold joins me in sending all our best wishes to you and Hilda.
' - Glad you could make it, Rumpole.
- Are you? We thought Bullingham might have put you in chokey on contempt of court! Oh, Erskine-Brown, you're so amusing! Yes.
Well, now we're all assembled, perhaps "Dearly beloved brethren" Let's decide who will approach the Inn as the Head of Chambers.
Speaking for myself, I have been in these Chambers for many years.
- Not half as long as Rumpole.
- Thank you, Uncle Tom.
Rumpole's been here since the year dot, as far as I can remember Although I haven't yet been able to put on the knee breeches and silk gown, my application is in the Lord Chancellor's office.
There will be no difficulty.
There's many a slip 'twixt knee breeches and hip.
What is it? Has Rumpole made a joke? Of course, I'm a complete newcomer here.
Yes.
They just dropped you in with today's "Times".
Whoever heads these Chambers will, I hope, take the position seriously.
"Here endeth the first lesson.
" It's also important that whoever heads us should be a barrister entirely sans rapproche.
Oh, absolument, Claude.
We must cherish our high reputation.
It would be most unfortunate if we had a Head who could possibly be even accused of sharp practice.
Just what do you mean by that? Now, now, now, now, now.
There shouldn't be any speculation arising out of the recent case at the Old Bailey.
Though it is true.
A question of contempt of court did arise.
- You're delighted to say.
- That issue still has to be decided.
There has been no finding as to how the information was leaked.
One hopes, of course, the information was not leaked by any member of the legal profession.
So I think we should put the regrettable matter of a flagrant contempt of court out of our minds for the purposes of this decision.
Wouldn't you agree that that is fair? 'Oh, soapy Sam, how very clever.
'What can I say? ' Well, now, Rumpole, as an old member of this set Of course he's old.
Rumpole can't help being old.
(Ballard) Yes.
Have you anything to say? ' why sentence of death should not be passed against me.
' Only this.
I would just like to remind you all of the claims of someone who has been associated with these Chambers for far longer than any of you, who grew up in these fly-blown rooms and on this dusty staircase, who has never aspired to silk, nor to judicial office, nor even to appearing before the Uxbridge magistrates, but someone whose whole ambition is centred on that meaningless title, Head of Chambers.
What's Rumpole talking about? He means himself.
No, Erskine-Brown.
I do not mean me.
(Sings) (Door closes) Is that you, Rumpole? Er, yes, Hilda.
Has it been decided yet, hmm? Er well, not finally.
But in principle.
It has been decided in principle, hasn't it? Well, they're having the Chambers' party on the 29th.
They'll announce their decision then.
Look, Hilda, I really wouldn't bother going.
They can be pretty grizzly occasions.
This won't be grizzly, Rumpole.
It will be a triumph! Nothing on earth is going to keep me away! (Sings) Those are cheese and oniony.
Those are the sausage arrangements, if that's what you prefer.
Of course, I shall be running these parties now.
Marigold Featherstone was a sweet person, but I don't think she had a great interest in the canapés.
That's a little prawny sort of vol au vent arrangement.
Frightfully light, isn't it? I do want these parties to be a success for Rumpole.
(Henry) Everybody, Uncle Tom! Oh, yes.
Thank you.
It falls to me as the oldest in Chambers to do the honours here tonight.
- Uncle Tom! - Mrs Rumpole? Oh, no, carry on, Uncle Tom.
Yes.
I was going to.
I remember 3, Equity Court many years ago when dear old C H Wystan was Head of Chambers.
- Uncle Tom remembers Daddy! - Exactly.
Horace Rumpole and I used to wait for work in the clerk's room.
Plus ça change.
I used to while away the time practising chip shots with a mashie niblick.
My one legal ambition was to get my balls into the wastepaper basket.
Fiona! Then the present Mr Justice Featherstone came to head us.
Of course, at the time, he was plain Guthrie Featherstone, albeit QC, MP.
Now a new chapter opens in our history.
- Hear! Hear! - Thank you.
The man I'll introduce as our new Head of Chambers, voted on by a comfortable majority, I may say, is a man well known and respected not only in legal circles, but in the church.
Rumpole? He is a man deeply concerned with the problems of morality.
I had dinner with old Tuppy Thompson, ex-canon of the Southwark Cathedral, and he said to me, "A little bird told me about your new Head of Chambers.
" "You've got a sound man there," he said.
"One who walketh in the ways of righteousness, "yea even through the valley of the Central Criminal Court.
" The ways of righteousness! They ought to see him at breakfast when he's in a bad temper! Not much righteousness then! So ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to raise a glass to our new Head of Chambers.
I give you our dear old Chambers, 3, Equity Court, coupled with the name - Rumpole.
- Of Sam Ballard.
One of Her Majesty's Counsel.
Long may he reign over us.
(AII cheer) Amen.
You never told me.
No, Hilda.
I funked it.
Passed over again.
Never mind, old girl.
It's not the end of the world.
You're still a wonderful advocate, Hilda, terrific in argument.
You're a failure, Rumpole.
Well, let's have another slurp of bubbly, shall we? Why not drink to failure? After all, champagne tastes just as good.
He's eating all of Dodo's little cheesy bits! Oh! The cheek of it!
(Man) Oh, come in, old chap.
Shall we go inside, sir? I say, steady on, you chaps.
Got a warrant, I suppose? Don't argue, Napier.
Don't demean yourself.
(Napier) I say, KV, you fellows.
KV.
Officer, can't we be a little bit civilised? There's no need to forget Mr Manners, is there? (Screaming) You can have a nice cup of tea.
Get dressed, sir, and follow me.
Why can't we get a kettle put on? There you are, Susan.
Upsy-daisy, dear.
(Napier) Nothing.
Steady on, you chaps.
(Woman) All right, I'm going.
An Englishman's home is his castle, you know.
Does anyone know the? If you wouldn't mind waiting while we check Excuse me.
Name, sir? You have no right.
It's a question of national security.
Name, please.
Don't bother to make up nom de plume.
We'll need some sort of identification.
(Rumpole) "This be the verse you grave for me.
"Here he lies where he longed to be.
"Home is the sailor, home from sea.
And the hunter home from the hill.
" You're back then, Mr Rumpole? Back, yes, Henry.
No thanks to you.
Next time I'm in Africa, try not to send a cable saying, "The murder has been arranged.
" They were nearly ordering my execution.
- The murder went off.
- So did I nearly.
But Mr Bernard rang, sir.
He wants a con today in the bawdyhouse case.
R V Lee.
"Keep thy foot out of brothels," Henry.
Such places are far more entertaining to litigate about than to visit.
Tell Bernard I'm ready.
"On Her Majesty's Service.
" Has our gracious queen nothing better to do than to write to me about money I'm supposed to owe her wretched government? What's this? A letter from LAC.
L-A-C.
Lawyers as churchgoers.
"Moral Purpose In The Law.
"A call to witness for all believing barristers.
" The brothel case, eh? Not much danger of finding any moral cause in that.
Rumpole, great heavens! We thought you'd gone native! We pictured you ruling some primitive tribe under a bong tree! Oh, Erskine-Brown, you are a caution.
Well, I'd better take charge of the primitive tribe in these Chambers.
Is Guthrie Featherstone's old room empty? We're deciding the Head of Chambers problem at the Chambers' meeting.
Nobody in Guthrie's old room, is there, Henry? (Henry) No.
I don't think you ought to - Rumpole.
- Hmm? A word.
I think it only fair to let you know.
I've done it.
Then, plead guilty, Claude.
- I've applied for silk, Rumpole.
- Oh? I've got a reasonable chance.
Phylli's right behind me.
Claude Erskine-Brown, QC.
How do you think it sounds? Very promising, provided you're on the other side.
When is this QC business likely to take place? In about six weeks.
- After the Chambers' meeting? - Yes.
That's all right, then.
Best of British luck, old man.
(Sobs) What are you doing in here? I thought it was all right.
Doesn't this room belong to a judge who doesn't come here any more? Bare ruined choirs where late, sweet Guthrie sang.
Is it shoplifting? You're too young for divorce.
I I'm a barrister.
Oh, bad luck.
Here.
Thank you.
I'm Mrs Erskine-Brown's pupil.
Mrs Erskine-Brown? Phyllida Trant that was.
The Portia of our Chambers.
Miss Phyllida Trant now has a pupil.
Good Lord.
How time flies, hmm? She left me in a case after lunch at Tower Bridge.
There was an argument about the evidence.
I said I couldn't do it without Miss Trant, who was in a difficulty.
Oh, you should have charged in, taken your chance.
The magistrate said, "What sort of difficulty?" And I said, "I think she's still at the hairdresser's.
" Oh, Lord, yes.
Forgetting the first lesson for a pupil - protect the private life of your learned pupil master or mistress.
Now, Mrs Erskine-Brown says I'm wet behind the ears and I'd better get myself a job in the glove department at Harrods.
She says they probably won't want another woman in Chambers anyway.
You've got a name, have you, I suppose? Fiona Allways.
Oh.
Well, that's not your fault.
It's all I've ever wanted to be.
When girls wanted to ride showjumpers, I stood in front of the mirror and made speeches in murder cases.
Look, I'm doing a conference here shortly.
You can take a note of it, if you like.
Make yourself useful.
No objection to prostitution, have you? (Shrieks) What's the matter now? I suppose you think that's all I'm fit for! (Hilda) And those savoury bits that you do so well, Dodo.
- People do like those, don't they? - Mmm.
People do.
What exactly do you want them for? For Rumpole's first Chambers' party, as Head.
And as the Head's lady, I shall want to keep an eye on the catering.
That's why I'm nobbling you for your little cheesy bits, Dodo.
Is it such a thing, being Head of Chambers? Daddy, C H Wystan, was Head of our Chambers.
- That was how I met Rumpole.
- Oh, yes.
I think I remember.
The Head of Chambers is captain of the ship, Dodo.
Tremendously respected.
Oh, and I got this in the spring sales, at Debenhams' Cocktail Hour For The More Mature Woman.
Mmm.
Marigold Featherstone used to wear all kinds of things when Guthrie was Head.
- Most of them quite unsuitable.
- This will be quite a thing for you.
But I'm not at all nervous, Dodo, provided I know you're behind me with your little cheesy bits.
(Rumpole) It is not just a matter of a disorderly house.
The prosecution have aimed their big guns at you, loaded with a charge of blackmail.
Demanding money with menaces.
I've explained it to the clients.
Neither Napier nor I understand anyone saying that about us, can we, Nappy? All our clients are such awfully decent people.
Public school, of course.
We do think that makes such a difference.
'This madam would appear to be the most appalling snob.
' Napier was at Lawnhurst, Mr Rumpole.
Down for it from birth.
Weren't you, Nappy? The governor put me down for Lawnhurst at birth.
Mr Napier Lee, Mrs Lorraine Lee, it is very pleasant to be sitting here over a cup of tea, discussing the merits of the public-school system, but you have been charged with obtaining money by threats, and from a very distinguished gentleman by the name of - Please, Mr Rumpole.
- No need to name names, is there? (Mrs Lee) Not with a man in his position.
He was at Lawnhurst, then New College, Oxford, the Guards and now the Foreign Office.
The gentleman in question, it would appear, paid your gas bills from time to time.
When business was slack.
I'm not denying it.
He helped us out.
Did you threaten to publish his little secret, if he didn't? Oh, no! He knew we'd never do that.
Didn't he, Nappy? He knew.
He was in my house.
- Your disorderly house? - My house at Lawnhurst, sir.
Ah, yes.
It would have been sneaking.
One does not sneak.
It's against the code.
That's all we have to tell you.
No, no.
Please.
There is something else you can tell me.
Please sit down.
How on earth did you get into this business? I mean, looking at you, a small twinset and cardigan shop in Cheltenham Spa would seem more appropriate.
Napier had a bit of bad luck in the City.
Like my father before me.
Also, his health wasn't up to it, after the war.
Ticker a bit dicky, don't you know, after playing a long innings against brother Bosch.
Napier has a dicky ticker.
Back in Civvy Street, I happened to run into old Nappy! We discussed the possibilities of a business, like the one we've been running.
A friendly house.
For the very nicest type of customer.
The kind that Nappy got to know on the old-boy net.
He very decently came up with a spot of capital.
I see.
This helpful person was a friend you'd known for some time? Yes.
An old mate, you understand, from Ah, ah, ah.
From way back.
We'd drifted apart a bit over the years.
Was he perhaps an old school friend? Napier couldn't possibly tell you a thing like that.
- Ah, against the code? - That's right.
Against the code.
Like wearing suede shoes with a dark suit, what? Oh Yes.
I didn't go to Lawnhurst.
My public school was a poorly run penal colony on the Norfolk coast.
(Nasal accent) The only code I got there was a code of the dose! Yes, we at Linklaters never got to know the really top people.
Yes, Mr Rumpole.
We know.
Nappy looked you up, and we're both terribly sorry.
Conference over.
Night.
Mr Rumpole, I had your wife on the phone, sir.
She Who Must Be Obeyed.
Did she want to speak to me? She wanted to speak to me on the subject of snacks.
Snacks? You know, sausage rolls, little cheesy bits, she said, sir.
I told her we'd have no party until after the meeting.
Then we'd be able to welcome our new Head of Chambers.
Head of Chambers! She Who Must Be Obeyed has set her heart upon it.
She will not take "no" for an answer.
Do you follow me? Yes, Mr Rumpole, I follow you.
- It's Rumpole, isn't it? - A piece of him.
Ballard.
Sam Ballard.
I'm leading in Lee for the Crown.
Ah.
'Not a terribly cheering prospect.
'This character might have passed as reasonably good-Iooking.
'When he was alive.
' I passed Chambers this morning.
In fact, I dropped something in your tray.
Really? I can't say I noticed, Bollard.
- Ballard.
- Oh, Ballard.
Sorry.
About a meeting of lawyers as churchgoers.
Can you join us? We should value your contribution.
Ah, well, my doctor has warned me against all undue excitement.
This get-together of yours may place considerable strain on the old ticker.
Henry warned me about you.
He said you had a sense of humour.
Oh, only a mild one, Bollard.
Nothing fatal.
Have you managed to keep free of it? What do you do? Jog a lot, I imagine.
(Giggles) Some of our keenest members scoffed at the outset.
Really? Well, I never! I certainly hope that this little prosecution will be conducted in a thoroughly Christian spirit.
You can rely on me for that.
I hope to see a certain reluctance on your part about casting the first stone.
Decent men, family men, men who had earned the respect of the community and were placed in positions of trust, found themselves tempted by this house, 66, Barnadine Square, Victoria.
Men left that house, members of the Jury, with their consciences burdened with guilt, and their wallets lightened.
Among the many respectable figures that fell victim to the temptations of 66, Barnadine Square 'Among the many respectable figures? Who, I wonder? 'Doctors? Politicians? Police officers? Lawyers? 'Judges? 'Oh, I must ask my clients.
'They'd never tell me.
Far too discreet.
Against the code.
'The thought is too good to be true.
'A bull in a knocking shop.
' Over the door of 66, Barnadine Square was that which Dante chose for his inferno.
"Abandon hope, all ye" He's wasting his time, this fellow Bollard.
The Bull probably thinks that Dante is somebody who does conjuring tricks on television.
find out the fly was trapped.
He couldn't get away.
If he was a man who enjoyed important position in public life, he would pay anything you may think to buy the silence of this brazen woman and her procuring husband.
What did he say? I think the gentleman is talking about us, Nappy.
I looked him up.
Marlborough.
Then I wonder they didn't teach him better manners.
in bringing this couple to justice.
Thank you.
My Lord, I will call my first witness.
Please do, Mr Ballard.
Who is it, old love? Don't be coy about it.
They're ready for you, sir.
I swear by Almighty God the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Name, please.
My Lord, I would make the usual application in a blackmail case.
I would ask the witness be known simply as Mr X, and that Your Lordship should direct the press not to repeat the name under any circumstances.
That seems a very proper order, in view of this gentleman's position.
You have no objection, Mr Rumpole? I do object.
Yes, My Lord.
British justice is meant to take place in public, and the ladies and gentlemen of the press have a right to report the witnesses' names.
There is an exception to this rule in blackmail cases, as you well know.
In that case, I would have no objection, provided a similar concession had been made for the benefit of my clients.
My Lord.
My Lord, we should continue with this in the absence of the Jury, - if there is to be an argument.
- You can bet your shirt there will be.
Very well.
Members of the Jury! Members of the Jury, legal matters arise from time to time that have to be resolved.
Would you go to your room? We shan't have to detain you long.
Mr Rumpole, did I hear an unusual argument with regard to the defendants? That they should be known as Mr and Mrs Y.
Why not? My learned friend has talked about embarrassment.
Mr and Mrs Lee have been plastered over the front pages of every newspaper in the United Kingdom! "Darby and Joan house of shame.
" "Charged with being top people's madam," and so forth.
They've had to submit to a barrage of prejudicial publicity, while their client can creep into court under a letter of the alphabet, and preserve his precious respectability intact.
Mr Rumpole, there is no charge against this gentleman.
He is innocent of any crime.
So are my clients innocent.
Innocent until proven guilty.
Or doesn't that rule apply in Your Lordship's court? Rumpole, this court is entitled to some respect! I have so much respect for this court that I give it the credit for applying the law of England.
Unless that's been changed.
I merely ask for information.
Your application that your clients' name should not be published is refused.
The case may be reported in full as far as they are concerned.
They'll be delighted to contribute to the entertainment of the great British breakfast.
If Your Lordship pleases.
(Judge) Now, Mr Ballard.
I suppose your argument would be that if this witness's secrets were exposed to the public, then, in effect, the blackmail threat would have been successful.
- That is your argument? - It is now you've told him.
Yes, it is, My Lord.
Your Lordship puts it so much better than I can.
'Soapy Sam Ballard, 'your religious beliefs don't prevent a little grovelling on occasion.
' It's nearly one o'clock, but I will give judgement on this point now, so the witness may enjoy his lunch with a degree of peace of mind.
Oh, how nice! The defendants, through their counsel, seem particularly anxious this gentleman's patronage of their house of ill repute - should become widely known.
- (Mouthing) If that were allowed, it would be a blackmailer's charter.
No victim would ever dare to go to the police.
I am determined that this witness's high reputation shall be protected.
He will give his evidence to the jury as Mr X after lunch.
Coming, Miss Allways? That was absolutely splendid, Mr Rumpole.
Your fight for press freedom.
I thought I was rather shot down in flames.
The judge really wants a protection society for the punters.
- Bye bye, Fifi.
- See you.
Bye.
- Who's that? - Isobel Vincent.
She was a prefect when I was at Benenden.
I hero-worshipped her.
Do girls have an old-boy network, too? Isobel works for Home Counties News, tremendously into Women's Liberation.
- So am I.
- You? All for it.
Especially the liberation of Mrs Lorraine Lee.
Thank you.
I think it's unfair, keeping his name a secret.
Oh, do you, Fiona? Thank you.
Rumpole and Miss Allways to see Mr and Mrs Lee.
- Thank you, sir.
Number three.
- Thank you.
Those places wouldn't exist if it weren't for Mr Xs.
- I suppose you know what his name is.
- Yes.
He signed his deposition.
- So you could tell anybody.
- Ah! Contempt of court is a silent exercise, Fiona, like meditation.
- I've never been to the cells before.
- Have you not? For me, the cells have become a sort of home from home.
We don't want his name splashed all over the papers, Mr Rumpole.
We wouldn't want that.
(Mr Lee) Damn painful, a man in his position.
The old-boy net.
He sneaked on you! Why not return the compliment? Whatever he's done, we've got to do the decent thing.
We think the judge is a perfect gentleman.
What? - Don't we, Nappy? - Absolutely.
He didn't want the poor fellow's name all over the papers.
(Mrs Lee) It would be terribly embarrassing.
It would be terribly embarrassing, Mrs Lorraine Lee, if you and your husband spent five years in prison for blackmail.
What about me? You may be snug as a bug in the nick.
I cannot afford to lose cases at this point in my career.
I am about to be elevated to high office.
- Why just gas? - What? You used a lot of gas at Barnadine Square? No, not particularly.
The bills used to lie out on the hall table.
He offered to pay one or two, out of kindness, really.
Yes.
He used to give us a little cheque.
A cheque? In a house of ill repute, a cheque? Mr X is either very naive or Or what? Yes, indeed.
Or what? I don't know.
We may never have a chance to find out.
We don't like it being called a house of ill repute, Mr Rumpole.
That isn't nice.
We call it a friendly house.
(Inaudible) Hello, Ballard.
I enjoyed the sermon.
Did you, Rumpole? Haven't had so much fun since the school parson gave us 45 minutes of hellfire.
You You always eat here, do you? Yes, of course.
Don't you use the Bar mess? As a matter of fact, I prefer the pub across the road.
More chance of rubbing shoulders with a few respectable criminals.
Awful lot of barristers here.
You must take me to your pub sometime.
We should get rather better acquainted.
I might drop in on one of your churchgoers' meeting.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
I think there's a great deal to be said for introducing more Christian spirit into the law.
- I'm so glad you think so.
- Oh, I do, I do.
As I understand it, "There's more joy in heaven, "if one sinner repenteth," all that sort of thing.
All that sort of thing, yes.
If two sinners repenteth to the tune of pleading guilty to keeping a disorderly house, wilt thou not drop the blackmailing charge, old cock? No! No.
They could get five years for blackmail.
Keeping a disorderly house is a mere six months.
Is that the reason behind your appeal to Christian principles? You have a cynical attitude for a churchgoer.
Blessed are the blackmailers for they shall have no stain on their characters.
Is that your version of the Sermon on the Mount? "Prisons are built with stones of law.
"Brothels with bricks of religion.
" That's William Blake.
The William Blake version.
I'll give you another quotation.
"For I come not to call the righteous but the sinners to repentance.
" Matthew 9.
Verse 13.
You rely heavily on the scriptures.
You really must join us at LAC.
My old father was a cleric.
I'll tell you something.
He hated Bible classes.
The judge will be back soon.
Five years.
They'd really get five years? You know what we want in this case, Fiona, old lad? A witness or two.
A witness who knows something about Mr X.
Who will come galloping to our aid while no one knows who the hell he is? (Rumpole) You won't mind me calling you Mr X? - No.
- Thought you wouldn't.
How long were you an habituary of this house of ill repute? Mr Rumpole, does that make the slightest difference? Please answer, unless My Lord rules against it on a point of law.
I'd been visiting for five years.
Five years.
On your way home from directing the nation's affairs - Mr Rumpole.
- Yes, very well.
On your way home from work, before you got lost in the bosom of your family, it was your practice to pop into 66, Barnadine Square? Yes.
Tell me, how did you find out about this place? - Find out about it? - Gossip at the club, was it? Or perhaps an advertisement in "The Times" personal columns? (Laughter) - I heard about it from an old friend.
- An old friend.
Was it by any chance someone you knew at school? I'd known him nearly all my life.
- You had kept up with him? - No.
We met again after many years.
- Where? - In a public house.
- In the Victoria area? - Near there.
How long ago was this meeting in a pub in Victoria? - About five years ago.
- Five years ago.
The old school friend in question wasn't by any chance Mr Napier Lee, defendant in this case? 'First rule of cross-examination: Never ask unless you know the answer.
' - Yes.
- Speak up, Mr X.
Yes, My Lord.
It was Mr Napier Lee.
'A miracle! How did I get God on my side? ' - What did he tell you? - He told me that he'd been ill.
He said he had a house near Victoria station, and he and his wife were starting a business there.
- A business in agreeable ladies? - Yes.
Did you offer to put some capital into that business? The court had kept your name secret, because you're so respectable.
Are you not in fact an investor in a bawdyhouse? - The witness should be warned.
- I do know my job, Mr Ballard.
You are not bound to answer questions that might incriminate you.
Now, do you wish to answer Mr Rumpole's question, or would you rather not? I would prefer not to.
You would prefer not to.
So you had an arrangement with Mr and Mrs Lee over five years.
They had five years to blackmail you, if they wanted to.
I suppose so.
Yet there wasn't the slightest suggestion until six months ago? That is right.
When you say you were asked by them to pay a couple of trivial gas bills.
Bills for £145.
00 and £137.
53.
And you paid these bills for the Lees by cheque? - Yes.
- Why? Because as I have told you, Mr Rumpole, they threatened to tell my employers about my visits unless I did so.
I don't mean that.
Why did you pay by cheque? Oh, I don't know exactly.
Did you ever pay by cheque when you visited on previous occasions? - No.
- Always in cash? - Of course.
- Yes.
You did not want your name left in connection with the Lees' business.
On the occasion of this alleged blackmail, you did want a record.
I told you, I don't know why I paid by cheque.
Those occasions Was it because you needed evidence on which to base this allegation of blackmail against my clients? No! Well, I suppose I just didn't think about it.
Thank you, Mr X.
Mr X, when you paid in cash, I presume you paid the girls in the establishment? Yes, My Lord.
Did it strike you as a different matter when you were paying the gas bills for them? - Yes, My Lord.
- But you saw no particular harm in paying that great public authority by cheque? No harm at all.
No! We'll rise now.
10:30 tomorrow morning, members of the Jury.
(Rumpole sighs) Well, Rumpole, how did it go? I suppose it could be described as a nightmare.
- You mean it's not going well? - Well? We have a prosecutor who wears a hair shirt, and seems to have done his pupillage under the Inquisition.
The mad Bull is madder than ever.
Our chief witness has this in common with Lohengrin - no one must ever ask him his name.
My clients think it's in the best public-school tradition to be found guilty of blackmail.
There we all are, down the Old Bailey.
"Rolled round in earth's diurnal course "With rocks and stone and trees.
" It's giving me a headache.
I mean in Chambers, Rumpole.
The Headship.
Is it going to be ours? You have a remarkable legal ambition, Hilda.
Sorry I can't bring you the Lord Chief Justice's chain of office, with a bottle of Château de Plonkenheim.
- Not the Lord Chancellor.
- He'll be very relieved to hear it.
Just Head of Daddy's old Chambers.
There's no one more senior than you? No one longer in bottle as a legal hack, no.
- And no silks? - No.
Not so far.
Erskine-Brown's application doesn't come up until after the Chambers' meeting.
Then it's in the bag.
Fear nothing, Hilda.
As far as I'm concerned, your election is assured.
Dodo's agreed to help out at the party.
She does all sorts of dips.
Oh, damned versatile, Dodo.
She paints, too, doesn't she? Oh, look, it's Ms Thing.
'There have been revelations in the Top People's Disorderly House case.
'Home Counties News can reveal that Mr X 'is the senior civil servant 'at the Foreign Office, Sir Cuthbert Pericles.
'He is only one of the men highly placed in public life 'who are believed to have visited the house.
'This is Isobel Vincent, Home Counties News ' - My God.
- Whatever's the matter, Rumpole? You're nearest the window.
Did you hear a noise coming from Kensington? What sort of noise? His Honour, Judge Bullingham, blowing up! Almost 50 years of experience at the Bar and on the Bench, I have never known a more flagrant, wicked and inexcusable contempt of court! The order of this court was clear.
- How long will it take him? - I told him 10:30.
- He's late.
- I promised we'd call him first.
We'll call him first, all right.
But the contempt here was committed by a person who is neither a gentleman nor from the press.
The person is female and from television.
Any person who has been in this court, any person at all who had a hand in this matter, they will be sort out and punished.
I will send the papers to the Director of Public Prosecutions.
Bernie, look for him.
The Bull's running out of steam.
what action shall be taken against this most foolish, wicked young woman.
- Mr Lucas? - Yes.
I'm Bernard.
Could we have a moment to check over what you've told me? Yes.
Now, when did you say this meeting first took place? Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, in opening for the defence, it is my duty to outline the evidence that we shall be calling.
I will be calling a witness 'I hope to God I'll call a witness.
' who may be able to penetrate the pall of secrecy that has fallen over this case, who may have the bad manners and the rotten taste to actually tell us the truth about the evidence who may be able to penetrate for us the old-boy net Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, I will now call - Who? - Mr Stephen Lucas.
Simon - Stephen! - Stephen Lucas.
Very well, Mr Rumpole.
Take the book in your right hand and repeat the oath from the card.
the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Mr Stephen Lucas, you are a member of the Foreign Office Legal Department? Yes, I am.
Do you know the witness we call Mr X? I have asked him to come back to court so that you may identify him.
- Yes, I do.
- Is he a friend of yours? We meet in the Foreign Office, of course.
I know him fairly well and over a long period.
Yes, of course.
Do you remember lunching with him a year ago at his club - and was that at his invitation? - Yes, it was.
What did you discuss? Do you remember? A number of things.
The work of my department and so on.
He asked me questions about the Contempt of Court Act.
The Contempt of Court Act.
What particular aspect of that act was Mr X interested in? In the court's power to order that the name of a witness in a blackmail case should be kept secret, perhaps for ever.
I remember his observing that, therefore, if you wanted your name kept out of a particular scandal, all you would have to do would be to accuse someone of blackmail.
I see.
Mr Lucas, what made you remember this conversation? It was last night when I heard Mr X's name on the television news.
I thought it might have some bearing.
You may well be right.
And you no doubt felt that it was your public duty to come forward.
Mr Lucas, you say that you know Mr X very well.
You didn't by any chance go to school together? No, I wasn't at Lawnhurst.
Thank you, Mr Lucas.
Thank the Lord he wasn't.
We wouldn't have got a word out of him.
So, so, so.
You wouldn't have given evidence, if there hadn't been a contempt of court and Mr X's name hadn't been mentioned on the television news? That's right.
I agree.
It is all very unfortunate, but what can I do about it? I can't exclude this evidence.
No, no, no.
No, My Lord.
No, but it is most unfortunate.
It is indeed, but then the harm has been done.
'Or the good.
'It depends on which way you look at it, old love.
' So it would seem to be clear, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, that Mr X could not bring himself to give up his visits to the friendly house at 66, Barnadine Square.
Yet he was terrified that one day the place may be raided and his name would come out in the scandal.
So, he hit upon this over-elaborate insurance device.
Two cheques - sure proof that he had paid money on the Lees' behalf - would lay the foundation for a trumped-up charge which would keep his name a secret for ever.
It was a devious plan, cunning, complicated, expensive and absolutely futile.
A plan that would occur to somebody in our country's government.
And why was it futile? Because Mr X need never have worried.
He had nothing to fear.
The Lees would never have betrayed his pathetic little secret.
It would have been against their code.
For it was for them, as it never was for Mr X, a question of morality.
Well Six months for the disorderly house, I'm afraid.
A first-class result on the blackmail, Mr Rumpole.
Wasn't it, Mr Bernard? Thank you.
I just hope Custard didn't think we sneaked on him.
He knows we'd never do a thing like that, Nappy.
Custard? Why Custard? His name was Cuthbert, so we called him Custard at school.
I suppose that follows.
Well, even if Custard didn't behave very well, we didn't break the code.
Something to comforting us.
It won't be too bad.
They'll send you to an open prison.
When a chap's been to Lawnhurst, prison should be a piece of cake.
You never know, you might meet some old boys.
- I didn't go to Lawnhurst.
- By Jove, that's a point.
- (Rumpole) Yes.
- I didn't go to Roedean either.
It's boys-only where I'm going, I suppose? Yes, I'm afraid so.
No coeducation.
I'm awfully sorry, old girl.
We're going to be separated.
Not for long, Nappy.
We've had a marvellous offer for the freehold.
Yes.
Not to mention the goodwill.
It was a marvellous win.
One thing you'll have to learn very quickly if you want to be a barrister, keep the rules.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Don't you? Oh, don't worry.
I don't imagine Ms Isobel Vincent is going to reveal her sources.
She's all out for martyrdom but you must keep the rules.
You can swear at them, argue your way round them, do your damnedest to change them, but if you break them, how the hell are you going to help the other poor idiot in trouble? I'll never get a place in Chambers now.
I don't know.
Perhaps you will, perhaps you won't.
There is another little cause or matter you can help me with.
- Can I? - Oh, yes.
The defence of Ms Vincent.
Look up the contempt-of-court cases, why don't you? Oh, yes.
We've got to keep the good Ms out of the nick.
I don't know about you but martyrs make me nervous.
He will be busy up until the middle of next week.
- Mr Rumpole.
- Yes? - The Chambers' meeting has started.
- Meeting? In Mr Justice Featherstone's old room, sir.
The Judge's clerk came round with a letter for you, sir.
A billet-doux from a judge? How very most unusual.
(Chattering) Bollard! Bollard! What's going on? Is this a prayer meeting? What are you doing here? Hasn't anyone told you? Featherstone J said he'd written as soon as you were back.
(Guthrie) 'Dear old Horace, old boy, 'just a brief note to introduce Sam Ballard, 'who was in fact, my fag master at Marlborough.
'Sam came to me looking for a London home.
'AII the others agreed.
As you were off in the jungle, 'we knew you'd have no objection.
'Someone will have to take over as Head of Chambers 'as I'm detained during Her Majesty's pleasure, 'and Sam Ballard is clearly a likely candidate.
'Marigold joins me in sending all our best wishes to you and Hilda.
' - Glad you could make it, Rumpole.
- Are you? We thought Bullingham might have put you in chokey on contempt of court! Oh, Erskine-Brown, you're so amusing! Yes.
Well, now we're all assembled, perhaps "Dearly beloved brethren" Let's decide who will approach the Inn as the Head of Chambers.
Speaking for myself, I have been in these Chambers for many years.
- Not half as long as Rumpole.
- Thank you, Uncle Tom.
Rumpole's been here since the year dot, as far as I can remember Although I haven't yet been able to put on the knee breeches and silk gown, my application is in the Lord Chancellor's office.
There will be no difficulty.
There's many a slip 'twixt knee breeches and hip.
What is it? Has Rumpole made a joke? Of course, I'm a complete newcomer here.
Yes.
They just dropped you in with today's "Times".
Whoever heads these Chambers will, I hope, take the position seriously.
"Here endeth the first lesson.
" It's also important that whoever heads us should be a barrister entirely sans rapproche.
Oh, absolument, Claude.
We must cherish our high reputation.
It would be most unfortunate if we had a Head who could possibly be even accused of sharp practice.
Just what do you mean by that? Now, now, now, now, now.
There shouldn't be any speculation arising out of the recent case at the Old Bailey.
Though it is true.
A question of contempt of court did arise.
- You're delighted to say.
- That issue still has to be decided.
There has been no finding as to how the information was leaked.
One hopes, of course, the information was not leaked by any member of the legal profession.
So I think we should put the regrettable matter of a flagrant contempt of court out of our minds for the purposes of this decision.
Wouldn't you agree that that is fair? 'Oh, soapy Sam, how very clever.
'What can I say? ' Well, now, Rumpole, as an old member of this set Of course he's old.
Rumpole can't help being old.
(Ballard) Yes.
Have you anything to say? ' why sentence of death should not be passed against me.
' Only this.
I would just like to remind you all of the claims of someone who has been associated with these Chambers for far longer than any of you, who grew up in these fly-blown rooms and on this dusty staircase, who has never aspired to silk, nor to judicial office, nor even to appearing before the Uxbridge magistrates, but someone whose whole ambition is centred on that meaningless title, Head of Chambers.
What's Rumpole talking about? He means himself.
No, Erskine-Brown.
I do not mean me.
(Sings) (Door closes) Is that you, Rumpole? Er, yes, Hilda.
Has it been decided yet, hmm? Er well, not finally.
But in principle.
It has been decided in principle, hasn't it? Well, they're having the Chambers' party on the 29th.
They'll announce their decision then.
Look, Hilda, I really wouldn't bother going.
They can be pretty grizzly occasions.
This won't be grizzly, Rumpole.
It will be a triumph! Nothing on earth is going to keep me away! (Sings) Those are cheese and oniony.
Those are the sausage arrangements, if that's what you prefer.
Of course, I shall be running these parties now.
Marigold Featherstone was a sweet person, but I don't think she had a great interest in the canapés.
That's a little prawny sort of vol au vent arrangement.
Frightfully light, isn't it? I do want these parties to be a success for Rumpole.
(Henry) Everybody, Uncle Tom! Oh, yes.
Thank you.
It falls to me as the oldest in Chambers to do the honours here tonight.
- Uncle Tom! - Mrs Rumpole? Oh, no, carry on, Uncle Tom.
Yes.
I was going to.
I remember 3, Equity Court many years ago when dear old C H Wystan was Head of Chambers.
- Uncle Tom remembers Daddy! - Exactly.
Horace Rumpole and I used to wait for work in the clerk's room.
Plus ça change.
I used to while away the time practising chip shots with a mashie niblick.
My one legal ambition was to get my balls into the wastepaper basket.
Fiona! Then the present Mr Justice Featherstone came to head us.
Of course, at the time, he was plain Guthrie Featherstone, albeit QC, MP.
Now a new chapter opens in our history.
- Hear! Hear! - Thank you.
The man I'll introduce as our new Head of Chambers, voted on by a comfortable majority, I may say, is a man well known and respected not only in legal circles, but in the church.
Rumpole? He is a man deeply concerned with the problems of morality.
I had dinner with old Tuppy Thompson, ex-canon of the Southwark Cathedral, and he said to me, "A little bird told me about your new Head of Chambers.
" "You've got a sound man there," he said.
"One who walketh in the ways of righteousness, "yea even through the valley of the Central Criminal Court.
" The ways of righteousness! They ought to see him at breakfast when he's in a bad temper! Not much righteousness then! So ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to raise a glass to our new Head of Chambers.
I give you our dear old Chambers, 3, Equity Court, coupled with the name - Rumpole.
- Of Sam Ballard.
One of Her Majesty's Counsel.
Long may he reign over us.
(AII cheer) Amen.
You never told me.
No, Hilda.
I funked it.
Passed over again.
Never mind, old girl.
It's not the end of the world.
You're still a wonderful advocate, Hilda, terrific in argument.
You're a failure, Rumpole.
Well, let's have another slurp of bubbly, shall we? Why not drink to failure? After all, champagne tastes just as good.
He's eating all of Dodo's little cheesy bits! Oh! The cheek of it!