Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e03 Episode Script

KRAFT: Well, I had a wonderful time this evening.
Me too.
He really is the lord of the dance, huh? He's not gonna kiss her good night, is he? I hope not.
His depth perception is terrible.
He was always getting his nose in my eye.
Why do you tell me things like that so close to my bedtime? Really, I'm fine.
You missed the cornea.
And may I ask what you are doing? Oh, I was just gonna use the drapes to make playsuits for the von Trapp children.
- That's your story? - Yeah.
I think it holds together.
We'll just see about that.
A lie detector? I can't believe you'd think I'd lie to you.
[MACHINE BEEPING.]
Are you open to a bribe? I'm really an actress.
Do you want fries with that? And so the assignment that Mrs.
Palotti has left for you while she's out sick, has you splitting up into couples so you can experience the "realities," "joys," and "responsibilities of marriage.
" Hm.
For some reason there's nothing here about the corresponding pain, torture and humiliation.
Everything is so p.
c.
these days.
Every day you will receive a different task.
"Make a budget.
" Ha, please.
"Set common goals.
" Yeah, I'm sure.
"Share your feelings.
" Right.
Share my feelings with a woman who spends all day I do.
[LIBBY CLEARS THROAT.]
- Yes, Libby.
- I was just wondering if you need help pairing up the couples, so you're free to focus on your bitterness.
Thank you, Libby.
You are a delightful throwback.
I'm really sorry we weren't paired up together.
I'm kind of surprised I got Libby.
Yeah, big surprise.
Right up there with snow in December.
You don't mind, do you? No, it's just an assignment.
It's not like you're really married.
Besides, you're always working on your car.
You won't even have time to see her.
I can't work on my car until I can afford that heater valve, remember? My afternoons are totally free.
Oh, well, it's never too soon to start preparing for your SATs.
You're always looking out for me, Sabrina.
I love it when you do that.
And it's even more fun now that it's so wrong.
In the future when you'd like to speak with my husband, you go through me.
Harvey, darling, wait.
It's just an assignment.
Make-believe.
You're not really married.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
Why won't you tell me what you and Willard talk about? Because it's none of your business.
He's tattooed my name to his arm, hasn't he? No, he hasn't.
Oh, so you've seen his arms.
SALEM: What's the matter with you? Somebody get their chocolate in your peanut butter? No.
Libby's trying to steal Harvey.
Oh.
You know, Sabrina, no one can be stolen unless they want to be.
Oh, so now Willard wanted to be stolen.
I trust Harvey.
It's Libby I don't trust.
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.
Zelda, we're not talking about dancing here.
We've got two people-- Oh.
Please continue.
SALEM: Oh, you poor, naive little thing.
- So innocent to the ways of love.
- I told you, I trust Harvey.
It doesn't matter what Libby does, Harvey would never cheat on me.
That's what I thought when I was dating Madame Curie.
Marie started spending a lot of time in the lab with Pierre.
They told me it was an experiment, but I knew better.
She kept saying the phrase.
"Stay away from me or I'll call the police"? No.
"Don't you trust me?" You knew she was cheating because she said, "Don't you trust me?" That, and I hired a detective from the Other Realm and got some pictures of them sharing more than radiation.
I'm not hiring a detective to spy on Harvey.
- For the last time, I trust him.
- Uh-huh.
Do you even know where he is? Yes.
He's at home.
I'll prove it to you.
HARVEY [ON PHONE.]
: Hello? - Hello, Harvey.
I knew you'd be home.
- Oh, hi, Sabrina.
- Hi, Sabrina.
Libby? What's Libby doing there? Proving my point.
She came over and brought me some homemade cookies.
I don't remember that being part of the assignment.
Goodbye, Sabrina.
I don't wanna keep you from your ice cream and romance novel.
Do you still have that detective's number? You've got ice cream? MAN: She blew into my office like a cool breeze on a hot summer day.
Who said that? But trouble clung to her like a cotton sheet to a wet dog.
Okay, I get it.
Is there anyone here who can help me? Depends on what kind of help you're looking for, sweetheart.
- Roland? - Sabrina.
You found me.
What happened to your job as an equalizer? Oh, they went totally digital.
So let me guess, trouble with farm boy? - Stepping out on you, huh? - No.
Maybe.
Hundred bucks a day plus expenses.
Sure, I make that a night, babysitting.
I don't have that kind of money.
This ain't no charity ward, baby.
The fog machine, the voice-over guy, they all cost money.
Forget it.
This was a bad idea.
Oh, wait, I just remembered.
I'm running a special this month.
"An hour of surveillance for one minute of hand-holding.
" Thanks.
I'll call you if I ever stop screaming.
MAN: Like peanut butter to the roof of yo-- Knock it off.
Hey, Sabrina.
Sorry about yesterday.
That's okay.
Now that Libby's been to your house, I guess the worst is over.
- Wow, Libby, did you do all this? - Me and Locker World.
There are separate places for your books, for your lunch, and an odour-proof, lead-lined compartment for your gym shoes.
Remember, I gave you a roach motel.
I just wanted to make sure I did a good job on today's assignment.
"Wives, do something nice for your husbands.
" For a change.
Not just take, take, take.
Excellent work, Libby.
I'll see you at lunch, Harvey.
I packed us something special.
- You're having lunch with her now? - Thanks for being so understanding.
You're the best.
Hey.
My kiss.
- Hello, Roland? - I knew you'd call back.
- Dames are so predictable.
- I've gotta know what's going on between Harvey and Libby.
Can you start right away? As soon as we settle our fee.
One minute, payable immediately.
One hippopotamus.
Two hippopotamus.
Three hippopotamus.
[ZELDA GIGGLING.]
Oh, Willard, that's hilarious.
[WHISPERING.]
Do me a favour, put down the phone.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, ha, ha.
You're too much.
[BULLHORN BLARING.]
ROLAND: Psst.
I bet you didn't even recognise me, huh? - What are you supposed to be? - An exchange student.
Pretend like you don't know me.
Well, that shouldn't be hard.
It's my fantasy.
- Hello, fellow students.
- Aren't you Sabrina's cousin? Guess again, farm boy.
So you two are dating? GORDIE: Well? - Well, what? Our assignment.
"Wives, prepare a special treat for your husbands, and try not to bring it up resentfully years later during an argument.
" Right.
Oh, I got you a fruit cup.
How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not Sabrina's cousin.
I'm from Iceland.
My name is Bjorn.
Okay, Bjorn, and how many times do I have to tell you? Libby's not my girlfriend, Sabrina is.
What did you find out? Forget it.
Move on.
You and Harvey are history.
What? I can't believe it.
Well, that's just my preliminary report.
If you need more details Great lunch, Libby.
You're the best.
That's my kiss.
- You just kissed Libby.
- Just on the cheek.
Then you admit it? What's wrong, Sabrina? Don't you trust me? What did you say? Don't you trust me? Find out everything.
I want pictures, I want video.
Money's no object.
Tomorrow, 8:00.
See you then, Willard.
- I hope you've learned your lesson.
- What lesson? Is Willard trying to get you to teach me a lesson? - Is that what he's doing? - Hilda, you need to find a therapist, one who doesn't refer to you as caller number two.
He better not be taking you to the stockyard, because that was our special place.
I'm not telling you anything.
But I might, provided there's tuna.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, Sabrina, how's it going? - What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
Oh, so now you're hiding things from me? - What am I hiding from you? - How should I know? How should you know what? Oh, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Who's pretending? - Sorry.
I had to get my camera.
- I'm so glad you're here.
Harvey's acting totally weird.
[COUGHING.]
[STUDENTS SHOUTING.]
It ain't pretty, but the truth never is.
I never knew betrayal came wallet-sized.
Goodbye, farm boy.
Hello, Roland.
Harvey Kinkle, you've got a lot of explaining to do.
- About what? - You know about what.
Sabrina, I hate this game.
It makes my head hurt.
You and Libby.
You were all over her in the cafeteria.
- You were hugging her in the hallway.
- What are you talking about? - I thought you trusted me.
- But-- - Well, can we talk about this? - I have to meet Libby.
It's our anniversary tonight.
Oh, if you're really supposed to be her husband shouldn't you forget your anniversary? What do you mean you don't know where they are? What kind of mother are you? Hello? Mrs.
Kinkle? Hello? [LINE HUMMING.]
I found out where they're going.
Someplace called "the knoll.
" They're going to the knoll? But that's a big make-out-- Come on.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Quick, blend in.
- Happy anniversary.
- Is that your car? It will be in 53 payments.
What a funny-looking lamp.
Yeah, uh, fascinating.
Why don't we talk about it on the way to the knoll? GORDIE: It will break my mother's heart.
Let's go.
I'm leaving.
Oh, is your date tonight? Oh.
I'd completely forgotten.
Nothing more pathetic than a woman who clings to the past.
Unless it's one who sits around in a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers talking to her cat.
[SALEM CHUCKLING.]
Comfy.
Well, I'm glad to see you've made peace with my dating Willard.
You have fun now.
She's gone, let's tail her.
SALEM: Change me back.
No amount of tuna is worth this olfactory nightmare.
Ugh.
Thanks for driving, Libby.
I'm still waiting for that heater valve for my car.
Surprise.
- This isn't Bowl-A-Rama.
- I know.
I thought we should go someplace fun for our anniversary.
Me too, that's why we were going bowling.
Harvey, so many rough edges to grind.
Chocolate-covered strawberry? Wow, so this is the knoll.
I can't believe I'm really here.
Ahem, again.
Hey, do you think that's Libby's mom's car over there? Don't worry, nobody can see us.
Which reminds me, I'm gonna need documentation.
Do you have a camera on you? [KRAFT GRUNTS.]
Oh, my, how did you ever find this place? The quarterback on the football team told me about it during detention.
Here, feast your eyes on this, my lady fair.
Oh, look at all those stars.
You were right.
I can't believe they're here.
SALEM: Don't make me watch.
I'll have to scratch out my own eyes.
It will be fun.
Come on.
Like a horror film, only gorier.
SALEM: Look, there is no way that-- Oh, is that real butter? Sorry the stockyards were closed, but it's-- It's kind of pretty here too, isn't it? - Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
Maybe a little music to set the mood? [MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[SINGING.]
Hey! Little girl Fix your hair, do your makeup SABRINA: What's with all these stupid trees? You can't see anyone else.
That's the point.
Sabrina, I think we have a serious problem.
- You see Harvey and Libby? - Not with them.
With us.
Our marriage is on the rocks.
I just keep giving and giving-- The cops.
My dad's gonna kill me.
Is there a problem, officer? Listen, punk, I need to see some ID and registration now, or it's the business end of big Ed here.
What are you waiting for? They're over there.
- I'm trying.
- I'm gonna need you to step out of the car, miss.
What about me? Face forward.
Both hands on the wheel.
Ah, and Orionis, of course, is your typical M-class star, known for its presence of metallic oxide molecules.
- Notably, those with titanium oxide.
- Yes.
SALEM: Let's go.
I've never been so bored in my entire life, and I stare off into space Come on.
Let's say five more minutes.
This can't be all they talk about.
- Oh, I know.
- Okay.
Let's try and name all the moons of Jupiter by mass.
- Oh, boy.
- Europa.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
So you pop in, take a quick look-see, dump Harvey, cry on my shoulder, and we'll live happily ever after.
Plus, I have some long-term plans.
It's true.
I can't believe they're really here.
Yep.
I wouldn't lie to you.
I can't do it.
I thought I could, but I can't.
So I guess this is gonna take some tough love.
Metis, Ganymede, and don't help me, Callisto.
[LAUGHING.]
- Oh, excellent.
- Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Now by carbon content.
Can't stay awake.
Too boring.
[SNORING.]
Now that we're all alone, is there anything you'd like to say to me? Yeah, if you get any closer, I'm gonna fall out of the car.
Then you'd better hold on to something.
You point it, I break it.
Libby, cut it out.
I've got a girlfriend.
But the other day at school you kissed me.
I know.
It was weird.
I don't even know why I did it.
I bet I do.
Sabrina's my girlfriend.
I'm not gonna cheat on her.
- I won't tell if you won't.
- "No" means no, Libby.
I think you should take me home now.
But I bought you dinner.
[KNOCKING ON GLASS.]
Sabrina, this is the last straw.
I don't care how it affects my final grade, I want a divorce.
- Sabrina? - Bjorn? Now you're spying on me? I can't believe you don't trust me.
Harvey, wait.
[SCREAMING.]
[HILDA & SALEM SNORING.]
- Hilda? - Hilda? Oh.
I can't believe you were so jealous that you had to spy on us.
Oh, I have never been so mad at you in my entire life.
KRAFT: Hilda.
- That's not true.
Remember when we were kids and I broke your collarbone? Oh, Zelda, wait.
Ha, wow.
Sisters fighting over me.
Hey, when you got it, [SINGING.]
You got it.
SABRINA: Harvey.
ROLAND: Sabrina.
HILDA: Oh, Zelda.
None of this would have happened if you had learned to control your primitive urges, if all of you hadn't been overcome with jealousy.
I wasn't jealous.
I was hungry.
I was jealous and I was hungry.
Once again, I'm the only mature responsible one in the entire group.
That must make you all incredibly jealous.
Well, thanks for the lecture, toots, but I gotta run.
So I'll be collecting the rest of my fee-- I'm not paying you any more.
This was all your fault.
Oh, yeah? Well, who came to whose office? ZELDA: You were both at fault, but if it'll get rid of you any faster, I will cover the rest of your fee.
There.
Paid in full.
I usually get time and a half after 5.
- It's a union thing.
- Out.
I also do general contracting.
So to sum it up, our marriage was a complete and total failure.
Thank you.
Beautiful.
Come on.
Beautiful.
Oh, the memories.
You know, it is so great to see a young couple on the right track.
A.
Gordie, I just want to apologise.
You were a great husband, and I'm sorry that I treated you so badly.
Are you kidding? You're a genius.
We're the only two who passed.
Thanks.
No running.
Hey, can you believe we got an A? I know you're mad at me, but can't you be the kind of mad - where you still talk to me? - I'm not mad.
I'm disappointed.
The kind of disappointed where you still talk to me? You know, my behaviour kind of shows how much I care about you in some weird, twisted, demented, stalker kind of way.
I know you care.
I just want you to trust me, and believe me when I say you're the only girl for me.
I do.
Now.
Not that I didn't before, because I did, sort of, but not in the same way I do now.
Let me know if I make a point.
- What's this? - You don't know? The guy at the junkyard said it was a heater valve.
- I knew he was gonna rip me off.
- This is so great.
- This is just the kind of thing that-- - Libby would do.
No.
This is just the kind of thing that only Sabrina would do.
I love it when you do that.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was really nice of Gordie to let us use his car.
He had no choice, it was part of our divorce agreement.
He got the house.
Libby and I are only talking through our lawyers.
You know, at first I thought this assignment was kind of stupid, but then it made me realise how hard relationships can be.
I know.
But I'm sure it gets easier as you get older.
[HORN HONKING.]
I hope they don't take the freeway.
[SCREAMS.]