Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e03 Episode Script

How's your tea? Perfect.
Do you like your gift? [GREGORIAN CHANT.]
[SIGHS.]
It's beautiful.
Are you sure you want to give it away? Of course.
It's for you.
But I can't take credit.
It was like the Holy Spirit was just flowing through me.
About that I was talking to God yesterday.
Praise Him.
Totes.
Anyway, he thinks you're great.
He loves you.
I mean He loves everybody, but He really loves you.
Absolutely.
But, He also said that He wants to shake things up a bit.
Okay From now on, God wants us to work alone.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, Joel.
What? Actually, He meant He wants Joel and me to work alone.
Oh.
Really? Not to question his infinite wisdom, but Joel? - Okay.
- I don't understand.
What did I do wrong? Well, to be honest, He was a little annoyed that you told your church friends about me.
He mentioned that? Gosh, I'm sorry.
I was just excited.
Totally get it.
I'm exciting.
But, it would be great if you could just unwind that.
Yeah.
Tell everyone it was a lie.
Or a prank.
Or maybe you are on drugs or off drugs.
Maybe you're all just Fix it.
Oh I see what God is doing.
He doesn't want me to stop.
This is just a test of my devotion.
He said it's not.
That's what he'd say if it was a test.
He said you would say that, and it's not.
But your miracles in the desert and and the severed head brought to life.
I can't just deny those experiences to myself or to others.
What? No.
It's over.
You need to back off and talk to those church people.
With all due respect.
With all due respect, I don't answer to you, Joel.
- I need some time to think about this.
- Wait.
Anne.
Please.
Sheila.
Serving you has changed my life.
I'm just not sure I can give it up.
[SIGHS.]
I thank God every day that I met you.
Joel.
- That did not go well.
- No.
What if she keeps telling people about you? She's putting our whole family in jeopardy.
I'm sure she'll come around.
But, what if she doesn't? What do we do then? I don't know.
- I think you do know.
- No! I don't wanna think about that.
I just want to give her more time, okay? [SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay.
- What would you like to do with this? - Well, since we don't have a chapel, the basement.
Ooh, can you take it down there? I don't wanna see Gary.
He's just gonna ask me to kill him again.
We can't keep avoiding him.
You gave him the serum.
He's gonna be around forever.
Wait.
I didn't give him the serum.
- Yes, you did.
- I thought you gave it to him.
- No, you said you were doing it.
- Are you kidding me? Yes, it's one of my trademark "I didn't give him the serum" jokes.
Hey, buddy! Sorry, we haven't hung out lately.
We've been so busy, but we wanted to give you the shot so you don't Oh, my God! What have we done? So it's noticeable.
I felt like something was a little off.
Argh I haven't spoken in a few days.
Why does my voice sound different? There's that chunk of your throat that seems to have fallen into the face.
Could someone put it back in? Someone could, but not us.
Also, it's not your biggest issue.
There's a serum that stops the undead from deteriorating, which Sheila or I, it's not clear, forgot to give you.
[SIGHS.]
Keep in mind, - the lighting in here is terrible.
- Yeah.
It's just Oh, God! Oh! Are you going to be okay, buddy? I have to be honest.
This is not where I saw myself at 45.
Who's up for killing me? Whoa.
Pump those breaks.
It leaks when we give you this.
It won't get any worse.
Guys, even if I didn't look like the cover of an Iron Maiden album I wouldn't want to live like this.
Alone.
For all eternity.
Yeah, that does sound awful.
I'll visit you more.
Things have just been crazy.
An ancient order of medieval knights is after us.
People think Sheila's a god.
That shower head broke, so I've been taking baths which is nice, but once I'm in there, I'm in there.
We've been so busy that we haven't even had time to get our new realty company off the ground.
You're starting your own company? Hammond Realty.
We did get stationery and promotional pens.
Pens? Have you planned your launch party? Built the website, formed an LLC that shields your personal assets from litigation? They're fountain pens.
God, I always wanted to start my own company.
I have got a million ideas.
Give me some stationary and put one of your pens in what's left of my mouth.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- It's our Knight of Serbia friend.
- You should take it.
Oh Hey, Tommy.
I'm glad you called because we have a very promising lead on an undead realtor.
Her name is Rosemary Sinclair and Christa Caldwell? No, It's not Christa.
But it's not.
But it's not.
Okay, but it's not.
Tommy? Tommy's going to kill Christa today! - But it's not! - He thinks it is.
- But it's not! - I told him three times.
- But it's not.
- He saw the article Anne planted, and is now convinced that Christa is the undead blonde from the clam farm.
Fucking Anne! We have to stop Tommy.
I know.
Christa's such a horrible person, but we can't let her die.
No, we can't.
Damn.
How do we stop him? I don't know, he won't listen to me.
[INDISTINGUISHABLE SHOUTING.]
Wow, I'm sorry.
I tried to make a throat-clearing sound, but I think that's one of the parts that fell out of my neck.
Why don't you show Tommy Christa's alive? Get her to do something an undead person can never do, like eat food, and then send a video of it to him.
- That's a smart idea.
- Yeah, Gary.
Turns out you're not just a pretty face.
Too soon? You guys know what's going on? No.
Everyone from Environmental Club got pulled out of class.
Maybe all of our grandmothers died.
Sit, sit, sit.
Sit.
Good morning, Earth.
Yesterday I was approached by FBI Special Agent Tess Rogers.
She is investigating the recent fracking site explosion.
[MUMBLING.]
Silence! The FBI is investigating various individuals and groups as well as this Environmental Club, which is rightfully under suspicion as you have gone on record as being opposed to America's energy independence.
What is it, Leslie? We're for energy independence.
We're just opposed to poisoning Enough! You'll all have a chance to talk when the FBI interviews each and every one of you.
- What? - Uh-huh.
I thought that would get a murmur out of you.
Well, let me tell you this.
I encourage each of you to share whatever observations you have made, of suspicious behavior amongst your fellow environmentalists.
No detail is too small to leave out.
No bond is too strong to be violated.
And I know what you're thinking.
"Hey, Principal Novak.
I ain't no snitch.
" But let me tell you this.
There ain't no shame in telling the truth.
Don't worry, we'll be okay.
Nobody knows anything.
Yeah, actually Winter might know a little something.
Winter saw you getting rid of the backpack? - Why didn't you tell me? - I'm sorry.
It didn't seem like a big deal.
I didn't want you to freak out.
What if she tells the FBI? Well, that would be terrible.
No.
You're supposed to say "Don't worry, Eric.
Winter won't tell the FBI.
She saw me throw out the backpack we used to transport explosives.
" Don't worry, Eric.
Winter won't I forgot the rest.
- Oh, Jesus.
- We just need to give her a reason not to be suspicious about the backpack, so she doesn't mention it to the FBI.
That's all.
I can't believe this is happening.
Why did we even blow up that fracking site? It was so stupid.
We were so stupid.
It wasn't stupid.
It worked.
We broke the law, Abby.
And we're a nation of laws.
Law and order.
Order in the court.
- What's happening to you? - I'm fucking spiraling.
Well That's quite a potato you put together for yourself.
I love "SOUP 'N SALAD 'N SUCH".
You know what I'm gonna do today? I'm gonna start with such - and work my way back.
- Well, save some room, 'cause Chris and Christa's assistant said they're supposed to be here any minute.
Oh.
I was thinking about Gary.
Did you see how excited he got when he was coming up with ideas for our company? Yeah, I was thinking about him too.
I know it's crazy, but what if we make him our first employee? Hook him up with a headset and Alexa.
We wouldn't have to give him health insurance.
Or even a chair.
That'd be nice, but actually I was thinking about something else.
Mm-hmm When he said that he didn't want to live alone forever, I realized neither do I.
Sweetheart, that's not going to happen for a long time.
But it is going to happen.
Unless Unless? You let me bite you.
And we can spend eternity together.
Wow.
I did not expect to be offered immortality at the "SOUP 'N SALAD 'N SUCH".
We'd wait until Abby went off to college, of course.
Whoa, you've really been thinking about this.
I have.
So What do you say, Mr.
Hammond? Will you take this woman to be your wife for the next 1,000 years or so? Living forever is a lot to think about.
Take your time.
It's a big decision.
But, my darling, with all my heart I do hope you'll say yes.
Chris and Christa are here.
Great.
Let's go save her life so that she can die naturally one day in a tanning bed accident.
Oh, my God! It's Chris and Christa.
Joel, look.
It's Chris and Christa.
Where? Oh, my God! It is.
Hey, guys.
Having some salad? - Oh, Christ.
These idiots.
- Look what they're wearing.
It's like they've never been in public before.
Nice shirt, loser.
This is a nice shirt.
Let's not do that.
Why don't we eat together instead? Oh.
I love it.
Why don't you suck our dicks? I love it.
Seriously, I know we haven't always gotten along.
But, maybe it's time to put that behind us.
We could video each other eating.
That'd be fun.
Oh, that's a great way to reconnect.
- Christa, you eat first.
- Guys! We know it was your Sheriff friend who planted that story in the Valley Journal, about our fraud conviction.
It turns out we have our own friends who have friends who know friends who have friends who work at the Journal and tell us what's what.
That was a crazy misunderstanding.
We can explain it over lunch.
Oh, we are not eating with you.
In fact, we've lost our appetites.
We have? We have.
Despite already paying.
At least, have a roll.
No! We're out of here.
This isn't over.
We're going to make it our business to destroy your new business.
That's right.
We're gonna scold fuck Hammon Realty till it's dead, grind our heels into its balls, and take a shit on its face.
Well, we tried.
Yeah, we really did.
So I guess Christa's gonna die.
She did not want to be a part of the solution.
And it's not like we're killing her.
That's true.
We're just not preventing her from getting killed.
Yeah.
We let people die every day.
We don't run around checking everyone's seatbelts.
Or pull cigarettes out of their mouths.
On the other hand, if we saw a plane hurtling towards someone's house, - wouldn't we warn the people inside? - What if when we knock on their door, they threaten to make non-consensual love to our skulls? If it's non-consensual, it wouldn't be love.
Good point, sweetie.
It just seemed important to say.
Well, I guess we just go on with our lives and whatever happens, happens.
I guess so.
- What do you wanna do now? - I don't know.
Wanna have sex? Might seem a little disrespectful.
Yeah.
Hand stuff? Okay.
Let me just grab a coconut water and a power bar.
Can you believe this is the way Anne sees me.
Yeah.
[GREGORIAN CHANT.]
We can't let Tommy kill Christa.
No.
We have to try to stop him.
Unless he's already killed her.
[HISS.]
I don't know about this.
We need to give Winter a reason to think throwing the backpack away wasn't suspicious.
Do you have a better idea? Yeah.
Go back in time and don't blow up a fracking site that could send us to jail for 20 years.
- Thirty.
I looked it up.
- Fuck! How did I let this happen? He just found out his dog's pregnant, doesn't like the father.
This whole thing was a huge mistake.
One stupid decision, and now I'm a terrorist.
You didn't have to do it with me.
You volunteered.
If I had let you go alone, you would have blown yourself up.
And for what? It's not like you were gonna end fracking.
I wanted to try.
I thought you did too.
I'm sorry if you just did it out of obligation.
So am I.
There's Winter.
Remember, we're just best friends having fun.
Luckily, my mom forced me to go to acting camp when I was eight and then I went back electively for five more years.
Don't tell Abby.
What are you doing? - Hey, guys.
- Hi, Abby.
Wait a minute.
Weren't you wearing a sweater earlier? I wonder where it is.
Eric did you throw it away? I did.
That's payback for my backpack.
Oh, my God.
When did you even take it? Earlier.
Yeah.
What is happening? Abby and I are in the middle of a pretty epic war.
Yesterday, I threw out Eric's backpack.
Oh, that's right, you were there.
That was a prank? We've been throwing each other's stuff away for years.
It started in seventh grade.
Eric tossed my soda before I finished it, and then I threw away his soda.
Then we got into non-soda stuff.
Now we're in clothing and accessories.
I don't get it.
Is the joke that is so not funny that it's funny? No.
It's funnier than that.
- Oh! - Whoa! You got me! Stay weird, weirdos.
- I think it works.
- Yeah.
Now you don't have to do anything stupid or reckless with me ever again.
[PHONE RINGS.]
You got Tommy.
Tommy! It's Belle and Sebastian.
Have you killed Christa yet? No.
Traffic was terrible.
So I stopped for a sandwich.
Great.
Don't kill her.
She's not undead.
Yeah, she is.
My brother ID'ed her from her picture in the paper.
- What if he's wrong? - Don't worry.
I'm gonna test her first.
See if she'll eat real food.
Got a little potato salad that came with my sandwich.
Um, she's not gonna eat potato salad from a stranger.
Then she's gonna die in 30 minutes.
Ah Google Maps is saying 38 now.
Shit.
We gotta get to Christa's before Tommy does, and make sure she eats his potato salad.
This is gonna suck.
I still wanna save Christa's life, but I hate that they have such a nice house.
You know, if we were both immortal, our prime earning years could go on forever.
We can own this whole block.
I thought you said immortality was a big decision, and you'd be patient with me.
Did I? That doesn't sound like me.
What if Christa's not home? What if she's in there right now, being murdered? Ding dong! What the hell? You can't just walk into my house! Well, we said ding dong.
It's a realtor thing.
No, it's my thing.
And I didn't answer the door because I was meditating in my serenity room and didn't want to deal with poorly dressed a-holes like you.
Wow.
This is with a serenity room.
We're sorry to barge in like this, but it's kind of important and we'd love to loop Chris in.
Is he around? He's at his swim lesson.
We don't have time to explore it.
Here's the deal.
We have this wonderful new assistant Tommy, and he knows has been bad blood between us, so he came up with this idea to bring you a peace offering.
And he's gonna be delivering it any minute.
Really? Like a bottle of wine or a spa day? Actually, it's potato salad.
And it'd be great, if you'd eat it in front of him.
- Get out.
- We hear you.
Not everybody likes potato salad.
Although, those who do, love it.
I'm not eating your fucking assistant's fucking potato salad.
Damn it.
Shit.
He's here.
Which is great, because he is so sweet.
Also, Tommy's super sensitive.
And since we ruined your lunch, he's invested in the idea of food as a peace offering.
I don't care about my assistant's feelings, why would I care about yours? Because Tommy bravely served our country and we all owe him a debt of gratitude.
That's right! - He was in Operation Desert Thunder.
- Storm.
He was in Operation Desert Thunderstorm.
- Drop the "Thunder".
- Operation Drop the Thunder.
Desert Storm.
Operation Desert Thunderstorm.
Goddamn it! Jesus Christ, who cares? Belle and Sebastian, what are you doing here? - Peaches and Herb, we came to help you.
- Oh.
Great.
Christa Caldwell.
I brought you some potato salad.
I suggest you eat it, if you can.
[SIGHS.]
I mean if it's that important to you.
Oops! I dropped it.
I guess you two can lick my ass.
Argh! What the fuck? Look! She's bleeding.
She's bleeding real blood.
Yeah, because you stabbed me, you psycho! Argh God damn it! She's alive? Scatter! Hey, what the hell? You can't be nice to a guy for one second, we claimed was a veteran? Is yours throbbing? Mine's throbbing.
I don't know what kind of gangster intimidation shit you guys are trying to pull, but Sherry Singleton once poisoned our cat, and we still stayed in the duplex market.
Chris and Christa Caldwell, of Principal Residential, do not back down.
Well, don't fuck with us, because I will eat your son.
What? Uh, it's an Irish expression.
It means "Block the sun from shining on your crops.
" This is a win.
Let's go.
I almost killed a woman.
A live woman.
Because your brother was wrong.
There's no undead in Santa Clarita and I got stabbed.
Three inches over and six inches deeper, - it would have gone into my heart.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
I know.
I fucked up.
- Do you want me to take a look at it? - No, don't touch it.
Just go.
Go! - I got a text from Anne.
- Yeah, what did she say? She said she's sorry, but she can't deny her faith.
Oh, man.
That means she's gonna keep telling people about you.
She's a good person.
She's my friend.
I know, I know.
You want me to go with you? No, it should be me.
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm Special Agent Tess Rogers with the FBI.
I know Principal Novak spoke to you earlier today and told you your environmental club is under investigation and that all of you are under suspicion.
All of you.
Just to be clear none of what he said is true, and I specifically told him not to talk to you at all.
[PRINCIPAL NOVAK SCOFFS.]
I'm sorry.
You want me to leave? That would be great, thank you.
You're welcome.
That, children, is a lesson in manners.
So, we're not under investigation? No, not at all.
I'm just part of a team of agents who are trying to get some information about what happened.
I'll be speaking to each of you individually to see if you've heard anything in a larger environmental community, that could be helpful.
Who knows? Maybe we'll catch a terrorist together.
And fun fact I am never ever without Skittles.
I saw something.
Really? What was that? I saw some giant company coming to my town and inject toxic chemicals into our groundwater.
Chemicals they don't legally even have to tell us about.
Then I saw nobody in charge giving a single fuck, until someone finally said, "Enough is enough, this shit ends now.
" I don't know who blew up that fracking site, but even if I did, I wouldn't help you find them.
Because whoever did it isn't a terrorist.
They're a freaking hero.
[CLAPPING.]
Somebody's not getting Skittles.
I look forward to talking to all of you over the next few days.
Hey.
Um I was wrong when I said it was a stupid idea.
You're not reckless.
You just don't turn away.
It's one of the best things about you.
Thanks.
What are the other things? You never settle for a perfectly fine apology.
- And? - You're relentless.
- And? - Annoying.
- And? - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Hey, Sheila.
You wanted to talk to me? [DOOR CLOSES.]
Hi, Anne.
Whoa.
What's with all the tarps? We're painting.
Oh, yeah, I was going to say.
You're gonna do the kitchen too.
Okay.
Anne, listen.
I know that you believe spreading the word about me is your calling, but I'm begging you to stop.
I can't.
I've been praying on it and the world deserves to know.
Anne, please.
You have a gift.
And I have to share it.
You don't know what you're doing.
Something awful is going to happen.
I'm not worried, Sheila.
I have faith.
You've been touched by God.
No, I haven't! Okay? I don't talk to God.
I made it all up.
That's not true.
I know what I saw.
It's a virus, from a clam I ate at Japopo's.
I don't kill bad people to serve God.
I killed them to eat them.
- What? - Yes, there it is.
I'm not an angel.
I'm just hungry.
And I wish that I hadn't involved you in all of this and I am so sorry I'm not the miracle you want me to be.
But, you are.
God doesn't make mistakes, Sheila.
I know that you think that you just woke up one morning and this random thing happened to you, but that is exactly what a miracle is.
I'll tell my church group that I was wrong, and I will give you the space that you want.
Not because I don't believe in you anymore.
Because you don't believe in yourself yet.
Hey, Gary.
How was your day, Chief? Uh, not bad.
Two stabbings, but no fatalities.
So, Sheila and I were thinking, we might need an employee.
Maybe a head of sales? You can't see it, but right now, I am straightening my tie.
Welcome to the team, buddy.
I'll bring you a cigar later to celebrate.
We can see where the smoke comes out.
I bet you I can blow rings out of my cheek hole.
[LAUGHS.]
I brought you an Alexa and Try this bad boy on for size.
Oh, my God.
Hammond Realty.
This is Johnny Dollar.
I'd like to help you sell your home.
You're not gonna be Johnny Dollar.
My heart's pretty set on it.
- Um.
Still.
- So, now that I'm hooked up, I'm going to build you a sick website.
I'm going to plan your launch party.
God, I love selling houses.
I could do this forever.
Really? You'd be fine like this forever.
Something bothering you, Boss? Sheila wants to bite me so we'll always be together.
Whoa.
Do you want to be undead? I want to be with her, but killing people and eating them Like, even their butts and stuff? Oh, but don't worry.
When you're undead, butts will taste like Well, they'll taste like butts, but you'll be way into it.
But you're gonna change in all sorts of ways.
You know, ways that you couldn't even imagine.
That's what I'm worried about.
Your "Id" taking over? Yeah.
Sheila used to be timid.
Now she's fearless.
Ed Thune was a distinguished colonel who became a crazed killer.
Who knows what I'd become.
It's a tough choice.
If you don't like what you turn into, there's no going back.
So, what are you gonna tell Sheila? I don't know.
That man with the crossbow is named Tommy.
He's the Knight of Serbia in this area.
Why is Roy Eastman Kodak there? We believe he is the one in charge.
See how he is screaming and pointing and being mean? Like a boss.
Not a boss like you.
- You're great.
- The best.
- We're so lucky.
- So lucky.
Where did Roy Eastman Kodak go next? We followed Tommy.
You follow the one not in charge, whose address you already knew? I should never have killed Vlado.
What? My former assistant.
I killed him.
It's nothing.
Where were we? Oh, yeah.
Find me Roy Eastman Kodak.