Secret Diary of a Call Girl s03e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
My hands clasped his buttocks as he carried me across the room and pinned me against the wall.
I had one foot on the bed, the other wrapped round his hips as he lifted me by the waist so that my other foot was wedged against the dressing table.
Yeah.
There.
- What? - Well, it's that.
One on the bed, one wrapped round his hips, one on the dressing table.
- Three feet, Belle.
- I moved one.
In the next paragraph, you've got three hands each.
For the record, I do it better than I write it.
You've tied yourself up in technicalities.
Your readers don't want mechanics, they want sensation.
They have to think sex with you would be mind-blowing.
- Right.
- Good.
- Keep going.
- Ok.
"Erm so I'm against the wall.
Left foot here, right foot there.
Hands flying everywhere.
- And tell us how that felt.
- Ok.
"Erm moments later, he had me in a wheelbarrow.
His hands holding my thighs.
My hands on the floor as he ran his fingers down my back.
" - With both hands on your thighs? - Oh! I don't know! "Erm his foot moved forward on the floor as he grabbed my other hand and pushed my foot down as the other hand reached out for his foot.
" It's the worst "how to" manual ever.
Sorry! Stop worrying about what goes where.
We want to know about desire.
How it works, what's underneath it.
What's in your head, what's in his head.
You want me to explain the fundamental nature - of the subconscious? - Yes, please! - And while you're there, could I have the moon on a stick? - No problem.
Good.
Now, fuck off.
Oh, right, ok.
Erm Oh.
- Bambi? - Belle.
You will never guess what.
- No, I never will.
- Byron's taking me to the Gaveston.
He's so sweet! I said I'd never been and he remembered.
That's sweet.
Is this the client from last week? Yeah.
He's like a Duke or a lord or something.
He took me to a rave in a disused tube station.
Then we went to this kebab shop that had a jazz club in the basement.
Then we went for breakfast in an Italian cafe and ran out without paying.
- He's paying you, though, right? - Yeah, he's got loads of money.
It'll be so nice to see him again.
Bambi, this is work, not a date.
I know.
I was just saying.
Ok.
Just remember he's a client.
- A client.
- I know.
I know what I'm doing.
Oh, hang on.
- Hello.
- Simon Burford.
come on up.
Ok.
Just tell yourself he's this nice to all the other escorts too.
- Really? - Really.
- I'll see you soon, ok? Bye.
- Bye.
Simon.
Sorry.
I was just - Hello.
- Come in.
- Yes.
Simon Burford.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Er oh, shall I take these? Oh.
Yes, thank you.
Now, why don't you make yourself at home? Can I get you a glass of champagne? Well, if you've got a bottle open.
- Well, not yet, but - Well, then, don't worry.
So nice place.
How long have you been here? About four years.
And what do you do? I do everything.
So, what brings you here today, Simon? I haven't had sex since I was 22.
Ok.
Shall we erm sort the formalities out first? - It'll just make things easier.
- Yes, of course.
- It's all there.
-That's lovely of you.
Shall we pop you in the shower? - And I'll be in there when you're ready.
Shall I take this? - Right.
It's just through there.
It's so sad when they are like that.
But give me an hour with him, I'll give you a new man.
- Nice suit.
- Thanks.
- What do you do for a living? - I'm an actuary.
- An actuary? - Yes.
I evaluated the risks in coming here, put them on a spreadsheet.
- Risks? - It's an actuary joke.
Oh.
Sorry.
- Are you sure you're ok with this? - Yeah, of course.
- You must get some real perverts.
- If I'm lucky.
- You have to have sex with them.
- Yeah, but - It's not like that.
- No.
No.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Would you like to kiss me? Is that ok? It's all ok.
Why don't you tell me what you'd like to do? To have sex.
- How? - Just just ordinary.
Why don't you tell me what you'd really like? Er to fuck you.
- How, Simon? - I want to Say it.
I want to fuck you really hard.
- Sorry.
- I'd like that.
Yes, of course.
Sorry.
Ok.
Well, here goes.
Oh.
- Is that all right? - Yeah.
- Do you like that? - Yeah, it's good.
- You're so big.
- Am I? - Not too big? Am I hurting you? - No, no.
No, that was really good.
You know before when you told me what you wanted to do? - Why don't you tell me again? - Er really? Mm-hm.
- I want to fuck you.
- I want that too.
I want to fuck you really hard.
I want to make you come.
I want to make you scream.
Oh, God! Yeah! Let's do it.
- Let's do it like dirty dogs.
- Yeah! You love it like this, you dirty cow? - Yeah! - Yeah.
You great big cow! - Uh-huh.
Oh.
- Yeah, I'm gonna make you squeal.
Oh, make me squeal.
Oh, yeah.
- I'm going to fuck you hard, you little piggy.
- Fuck me! Fuck me hard! Yeah.
You dirty, dirty, dirty goat.
Tell me you're a dirty goat.
I'm so dirty! I'm a goat.
Oh, yeah! - Say you're a cock-hungry chicken.
- I'm a cock-hungry chicken.
- Say you're a dirty ewe.
- I'm a "you" a "you" what? - It's a female sheep.
- Oh, right.
Yeah.
Bleat like a sheep.
Bleat like a sheep! Sorry I'm late.
I woke up in hastings.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I didn't think I was going to see you again.
Really? Why? Hop on.
Whoo! Simon can I ask, did you grow up on a farm? - I'm sorry.
I didn't want to.
- Don't worry.
- I made you bleat.
- Yeah.
It was fun.
- It was funny.
It was sweet.
- No.
- No, it's not.
It demeans you.
- Well, whatever works.
Is that why it's been so long? My ex-girlfriend she told everyone.
I was the animal guy at college for three years.
Everyone has something they like.
It's ok.
Come here.
Come here! Mm.
Han? Hello.
- Who are you? - Aren't you supposed to be at work? - Tuesday, half day.
- You never told me that.
I'm really sorry.
I had no idea.
I'm her sister.
You've got a sister? Oh, God! He's er just a, sort of, boyfriend.
He's going through a bit of a difficult time.
- Simon! - Give me those back! I'm cooking.
Do you want some? - What? - I'm cooking.
Do you want some? - No, I've just had a sandwich.
- How about I cook for you tomorrow? I'm sorry I'm being such a nuisance.
How much longer do you think you're going to be here for? - I'm trying to be nice here, Hannah.
- Ok.
All right, tomorrow.
- This is about Ben, isn't it? - What? - No.
- I know he's your friend.
Yeah, he is.
He's my best friend.
Can't we be a bit more grown up than that? You're married.
That's how grown up you are.
- Married.
- And my husband is fucking a temp! I need something, Han.
And that something is Ben.
It's like the difference between a pushbike and a harley.
Yeah.
I'm sure I used to think that when he was my boyfriend.
Yeah.
Did he ever do that thing where he put his tongue - Urgh! I'm just - No! Dinner at seven tomorrow.
Lovely.
"They say you can take the boy out of rural lincolnshire, but you can't take the rural lincolnshire out of the boy.
" I can't send that.
"We want to know about desire.
How it works.
What's underneath it.
" "I always feel sorry for the nervous ones.
And Simon was as nervous as they get.
" - Hello.
- Hello.
Hi.
"Giving men like this a bit of confidence is a public service.
Once I'd encouraged him, Simon really took control.
" "Sex with you would be mind-blowing.
As he threw me back onto the bed, he firmly pushed my legs open.
I thought, 'I love my job.
' " What? Just whatever it takes to get it written.
Ok? You can't choose what's in your subconscious, can you? Attach.
"Love, Belle.
Kiss, kiss.
" No kiss.
Hello! - Why can't I come in there? - Because I am cooking for you.
What's going on? Hey.
Come up.
You haven't? Jackie? Hi.
Hey.
- You're here.
- Yeah.
- I live here.
- Yeah.
- How are you? - What, since yesterday? Fine.
You know, just doing what I do.
Dinner in ten minutes.
- Dinner? - What were you expecting? You know what? Don't answer that? - It was meant to be a surprise.
- Oh, it was.
Venison steaks with a red wine and blackberry reduction.
- It looks delicious.
- Thanks, Ben.
I can't do this.
- Han.
- I should go after her.
No, she just wants a reaction.
Besides, it gives us a bit more time together.
Well, yeah.
Good.
Some time together.
Alone again.
I should have shown them out of the flat, not myself.
It really is it really is very cold.
Hey, babes.
Are you checking up on me? No.
Erm are you in town? No, no, no.
I'm just with a client.
Are you ok? No, it's fine.
I was just wondering if you were around for a drink, dont' worry.
No, sorry, babes.
- Ok.
Bye.
- Bye.
So this is me.
- Is this the whole flat? - No, there's a loo through there.
It's very nice.
I don't usually keep my knickers on the boiler.
Well, I usually keep mine on the fridge.
Champagne? - Ketchup? - You are properly mental, you are.
I've had more fun with you than with anyone.
- Am I your best client? - Not just with a client, with anyone.
Since ever.
That's a bit wrong, isn't it? Is it? See, the thing is, Bam-Bam you make me forget that this is your job.
- Hello.
Who's there? - Only me.
Hello.
Belle.
- Everything ok? - Yeah.
No, I was just passing.
- You got the new chapter? -Oh, this is something else I'm working on.
An autobiography.
- Very funny.
- I'm sorry, should ? No, I'm joking.
It is yours.
- Ok.
- It's really good.
Good! Are you going to stand there all evening? Have a seat.
- I like the new tone.
- Thanks.
It's very sexy.
Steamy even.
He grasped my hips and guided himself into position.
He pinned me to the bed and fucked me hard.
It's not that different, is it, the tone? Sounded like you had a real connection with the guy, no? Something like that.
- Would you like a drink? - You're not busy? Well, not since I was so rudely interrupted.
Er whisky? Er yeah, ok.
I'll just use Cheers.
Cheers.
As long as you don't mind mixing business with pleasure.
Well, that's what I do.
This is powerful stuff.
Daring too.
You're really unapologetic about your enjoyment of the job.
This third paragraph is lovely.
People don't normally think of sucking cock as lovely.
I do.
I should erm I should go.
Jackie will probably be asleep by now.
Well, next time you want to drop in uninvited, feel free to call first.
Sorry? Sorry, it was a erm joke.
A bad joke.
- I've enjoyed it.
- Me too.
Well, er good night.
- So, another chapter next week? - Sure.
I don't fancy him.
Ok? This is a professional relationship.
There are lines you just can't cross.
Looking for someone What? Ok, a bit.
I fancy him a bit, but, you know, like only in the same way that you fancy, say, one of your teachers.
Fancying him and doing something about it are very different things.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing can happen.
What is your idea of fun, Duncan? That dress? - How would you get into something like that? - It's got a zip.
Here.
I had one foot on the bed, the other wrapped round his hips as he lifted me by the waist so that my other foot was wedged against the dressing table.
Yeah.
There.
- What? - Well, it's that.
One on the bed, one wrapped round his hips, one on the dressing table.
- Three feet, Belle.
- I moved one.
In the next paragraph, you've got three hands each.
For the record, I do it better than I write it.
You've tied yourself up in technicalities.
Your readers don't want mechanics, they want sensation.
They have to think sex with you would be mind-blowing.
- Right.
- Good.
- Keep going.
- Ok.
"Erm so I'm against the wall.
Left foot here, right foot there.
Hands flying everywhere.
- And tell us how that felt.
- Ok.
"Erm moments later, he had me in a wheelbarrow.
His hands holding my thighs.
My hands on the floor as he ran his fingers down my back.
" - With both hands on your thighs? - Oh! I don't know! "Erm his foot moved forward on the floor as he grabbed my other hand and pushed my foot down as the other hand reached out for his foot.
" It's the worst "how to" manual ever.
Sorry! Stop worrying about what goes where.
We want to know about desire.
How it works, what's underneath it.
What's in your head, what's in his head.
You want me to explain the fundamental nature - of the subconscious? - Yes, please! - And while you're there, could I have the moon on a stick? - No problem.
Good.
Now, fuck off.
Oh, right, ok.
Erm Oh.
- Bambi? - Belle.
You will never guess what.
- No, I never will.
- Byron's taking me to the Gaveston.
He's so sweet! I said I'd never been and he remembered.
That's sweet.
Is this the client from last week? Yeah.
He's like a Duke or a lord or something.
He took me to a rave in a disused tube station.
Then we went to this kebab shop that had a jazz club in the basement.
Then we went for breakfast in an Italian cafe and ran out without paying.
- He's paying you, though, right? - Yeah, he's got loads of money.
It'll be so nice to see him again.
Bambi, this is work, not a date.
I know.
I was just saying.
Ok.
Just remember he's a client.
- A client.
- I know.
I know what I'm doing.
Oh, hang on.
- Hello.
- Simon Burford.
come on up.
Ok.
Just tell yourself he's this nice to all the other escorts too.
- Really? - Really.
- I'll see you soon, ok? Bye.
- Bye.
Simon.
Sorry.
I was just - Hello.
- Come in.
- Yes.
Simon Burford.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Er oh, shall I take these? Oh.
Yes, thank you.
Now, why don't you make yourself at home? Can I get you a glass of champagne? Well, if you've got a bottle open.
- Well, not yet, but - Well, then, don't worry.
So nice place.
How long have you been here? About four years.
And what do you do? I do everything.
So, what brings you here today, Simon? I haven't had sex since I was 22.
Ok.
Shall we erm sort the formalities out first? - It'll just make things easier.
- Yes, of course.
- It's all there.
-That's lovely of you.
Shall we pop you in the shower? - And I'll be in there when you're ready.
Shall I take this? - Right.
It's just through there.
It's so sad when they are like that.
But give me an hour with him, I'll give you a new man.
- Nice suit.
- Thanks.
- What do you do for a living? - I'm an actuary.
- An actuary? - Yes.
I evaluated the risks in coming here, put them on a spreadsheet.
- Risks? - It's an actuary joke.
Oh.
Sorry.
- Are you sure you're ok with this? - Yeah, of course.
- You must get some real perverts.
- If I'm lucky.
- You have to have sex with them.
- Yeah, but - It's not like that.
- No.
No.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Would you like to kiss me? Is that ok? It's all ok.
Why don't you tell me what you'd like to do? To have sex.
- How? - Just just ordinary.
Why don't you tell me what you'd really like? Er to fuck you.
- How, Simon? - I want to Say it.
I want to fuck you really hard.
- Sorry.
- I'd like that.
Yes, of course.
Sorry.
Ok.
Well, here goes.
Oh.
- Is that all right? - Yeah.
- Do you like that? - Yeah, it's good.
- You're so big.
- Am I? - Not too big? Am I hurting you? - No, no.
No, that was really good.
You know before when you told me what you wanted to do? - Why don't you tell me again? - Er really? Mm-hm.
- I want to fuck you.
- I want that too.
I want to fuck you really hard.
I want to make you come.
I want to make you scream.
Oh, God! Yeah! Let's do it.
- Let's do it like dirty dogs.
- Yeah! You love it like this, you dirty cow? - Yeah! - Yeah.
You great big cow! - Uh-huh.
Oh.
- Yeah, I'm gonna make you squeal.
Oh, make me squeal.
Oh, yeah.
- I'm going to fuck you hard, you little piggy.
- Fuck me! Fuck me hard! Yeah.
You dirty, dirty, dirty goat.
Tell me you're a dirty goat.
I'm so dirty! I'm a goat.
Oh, yeah! - Say you're a cock-hungry chicken.
- I'm a cock-hungry chicken.
- Say you're a dirty ewe.
- I'm a "you" a "you" what? - It's a female sheep.
- Oh, right.
Yeah.
Bleat like a sheep.
Bleat like a sheep! Sorry I'm late.
I woke up in hastings.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I didn't think I was going to see you again.
Really? Why? Hop on.
Whoo! Simon can I ask, did you grow up on a farm? - I'm sorry.
I didn't want to.
- Don't worry.
- I made you bleat.
- Yeah.
It was fun.
- It was funny.
It was sweet.
- No.
- No, it's not.
It demeans you.
- Well, whatever works.
Is that why it's been so long? My ex-girlfriend she told everyone.
I was the animal guy at college for three years.
Everyone has something they like.
It's ok.
Come here.
Come here! Mm.
Han? Hello.
- Who are you? - Aren't you supposed to be at work? - Tuesday, half day.
- You never told me that.
I'm really sorry.
I had no idea.
I'm her sister.
You've got a sister? Oh, God! He's er just a, sort of, boyfriend.
He's going through a bit of a difficult time.
- Simon! - Give me those back! I'm cooking.
Do you want some? - What? - I'm cooking.
Do you want some? - No, I've just had a sandwich.
- How about I cook for you tomorrow? I'm sorry I'm being such a nuisance.
How much longer do you think you're going to be here for? - I'm trying to be nice here, Hannah.
- Ok.
All right, tomorrow.
- This is about Ben, isn't it? - What? - No.
- I know he's your friend.
Yeah, he is.
He's my best friend.
Can't we be a bit more grown up than that? You're married.
That's how grown up you are.
- Married.
- And my husband is fucking a temp! I need something, Han.
And that something is Ben.
It's like the difference between a pushbike and a harley.
Yeah.
I'm sure I used to think that when he was my boyfriend.
Yeah.
Did he ever do that thing where he put his tongue - Urgh! I'm just - No! Dinner at seven tomorrow.
Lovely.
"They say you can take the boy out of rural lincolnshire, but you can't take the rural lincolnshire out of the boy.
" I can't send that.
"We want to know about desire.
How it works.
What's underneath it.
" "I always feel sorry for the nervous ones.
And Simon was as nervous as they get.
" - Hello.
- Hello.
Hi.
"Giving men like this a bit of confidence is a public service.
Once I'd encouraged him, Simon really took control.
" "Sex with you would be mind-blowing.
As he threw me back onto the bed, he firmly pushed my legs open.
I thought, 'I love my job.
' " What? Just whatever it takes to get it written.
Ok? You can't choose what's in your subconscious, can you? Attach.
"Love, Belle.
Kiss, kiss.
" No kiss.
Hello! - Why can't I come in there? - Because I am cooking for you.
What's going on? Hey.
Come up.
You haven't? Jackie? Hi.
Hey.
- You're here.
- Yeah.
- I live here.
- Yeah.
- How are you? - What, since yesterday? Fine.
You know, just doing what I do.
Dinner in ten minutes.
- Dinner? - What were you expecting? You know what? Don't answer that? - It was meant to be a surprise.
- Oh, it was.
Venison steaks with a red wine and blackberry reduction.
- It looks delicious.
- Thanks, Ben.
I can't do this.
- Han.
- I should go after her.
No, she just wants a reaction.
Besides, it gives us a bit more time together.
Well, yeah.
Good.
Some time together.
Alone again.
I should have shown them out of the flat, not myself.
It really is it really is very cold.
Hey, babes.
Are you checking up on me? No.
Erm are you in town? No, no, no.
I'm just with a client.
Are you ok? No, it's fine.
I was just wondering if you were around for a drink, dont' worry.
No, sorry, babes.
- Ok.
Bye.
- Bye.
So this is me.
- Is this the whole flat? - No, there's a loo through there.
It's very nice.
I don't usually keep my knickers on the boiler.
Well, I usually keep mine on the fridge.
Champagne? - Ketchup? - You are properly mental, you are.
I've had more fun with you than with anyone.
- Am I your best client? - Not just with a client, with anyone.
Since ever.
That's a bit wrong, isn't it? Is it? See, the thing is, Bam-Bam you make me forget that this is your job.
- Hello.
Who's there? - Only me.
Hello.
Belle.
- Everything ok? - Yeah.
No, I was just passing.
- You got the new chapter? -Oh, this is something else I'm working on.
An autobiography.
- Very funny.
- I'm sorry, should ? No, I'm joking.
It is yours.
- Ok.
- It's really good.
Good! Are you going to stand there all evening? Have a seat.
- I like the new tone.
- Thanks.
It's very sexy.
Steamy even.
He grasped my hips and guided himself into position.
He pinned me to the bed and fucked me hard.
It's not that different, is it, the tone? Sounded like you had a real connection with the guy, no? Something like that.
- Would you like a drink? - You're not busy? Well, not since I was so rudely interrupted.
Er whisky? Er yeah, ok.
I'll just use Cheers.
Cheers.
As long as you don't mind mixing business with pleasure.
Well, that's what I do.
This is powerful stuff.
Daring too.
You're really unapologetic about your enjoyment of the job.
This third paragraph is lovely.
People don't normally think of sucking cock as lovely.
I do.
I should erm I should go.
Jackie will probably be asleep by now.
Well, next time you want to drop in uninvited, feel free to call first.
Sorry? Sorry, it was a erm joke.
A bad joke.
- I've enjoyed it.
- Me too.
Well, er good night.
- So, another chapter next week? - Sure.
I don't fancy him.
Ok? This is a professional relationship.
There are lines you just can't cross.
Looking for someone What? Ok, a bit.
I fancy him a bit, but, you know, like only in the same way that you fancy, say, one of your teachers.
Fancying him and doing something about it are very different things.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing can happen.
What is your idea of fun, Duncan? That dress? - How would you get into something like that? - It's got a zip.
Here.