See Dad Run (2012) s03e03 Episode Script

Daddy, what's up with Joe this morning? What? What do you mean? Hey, buddy.
You got a good night's Breakfast ready yet? Uh You okay? Yeah.
Never better.
Daddy, why is he winking at us? Joe, is there an inside joke that I forgot about? Because if there is, whatever it is Okay? There you go.
- Patties? - Yep.
Patties? Do you even know who I am? Yeah, uh, right now, no.
Links.
I prefer my sausage linked.
What is wrong with you? Since when did you ever care what shape your breakfast meat comes in? Sorry.
I'm two weeks away from breaking the school district record for consecutive days without an absence.
You've never missed a day of school? - Never.
Not even the time that you broke your little never! The stress is killing me.
Look, come on.
This much stress at your age is not healthy.
Neither are these patties.
Why don't you just take a day off? - "A day off?" - Yeah.
[Laughs maniacally.]
"A day off"? But Joe, you gotta forget about this school record thing.
Come on.
You know what, I'm gonna call the school to tell them you're sick.
We're gonna go to the beach.
We're gonna play hooky.
How about that? But dad, that's totally against the rules.
Joe, some rules are meant to be broken, right? And besides, it's called playing hooky.
If it was a bad thing, they'd call it committing hooky.
Okay? You in? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Okay, beautiful.
Great.
- If you think it's a good idea.
I think it's a great idea.
Come on, both of you.
Bathing suits on.
Let's go.
Totally, totally unacceptable.
- Mom, please.
Get inside.
- Rude.
Inconsiderate.
Selfish.
Another morning power walk ruined by dog poop.
This is the fourth time this week on our lawn.
And everybody knows, honey, if your dog releases, you gotta pick up the pieces.
Hmm, hmm.
Hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Really? Oh, yeah.
Better than yesterday's gem.
"If your dog makes a doody, I'm calling judge Judy.
" - Hmm.
You know what, I'm gonna find out who's doing it, and I'm gonna bring him to justice.
Yeah.
Sounds like a real "poo done it?" Right here.
Emily, don't leave me hanging.
Come on.
[Upbeat music.]
Joe, just wash off the boogie board.
Leave it outside, okay? Thank you.
David Towels? Flip-flops? Sand toys? Your bronze glow that even the gods would envy? You went to beach without me? That's our one rule.
Some rules are meant to be broken, Kevin.
In fact, I'm blowing my nap off and getting jacked up on sugar.
Don't make this a thing, Kevin.
It's your thing.
You're the one who said, "Kevin, never let me "go to beach without you because I forget to put sunscreen on the kids.
" No, that was the old David.
You'll be happy to know, Kevin, I used a bottle of spf 30 on Janie and on milky white Joe, I put on Steel shield.
Yeah, that's a bug spray, David.
I don't know if you noticed the dead mosquito lying on its back.
I thought it was just sunbathing.
It was the best day ever, dad.
[Gasps.]
What did you do to him? I don't know.
He wasn't that red in the car.
Whoo.
Hey, David.
I got great news, man.
I got a call from the "Dads Who Care" people.
And their charity would like to honor us, the creators of See Dad Run, as caring dads of the year.
We have a national radio interview this Saturday.
That's great.
Did you hear that? They think I care.
- Yeah.
Do they know that you use bug spray as sunscreen? Oh [whispers.]
That is the worst sunburn I've ever seen.
What did you do? It's just his face a little bit, u knyo and besides, it's just a reminder - [groans.]
Ah.
- Ooh.
[Pops lips.]
Let's see what we've got going on here, Joe.
Notice? No bug bites.
Dad, when the kids at school see my sunburn, they're gonna know we went to the beach.
Yeah, well, uh, you know, Joe, [stammers.]
I'm gonna take care of this.
I got an idea, okay? Kevin, can you run a bath? Ooh, a cool bath does sound good.
Yeah, run one for Joe too.
Okay, but mine first 'cause I got some sand in my nethers.
Makeup? I don't know about this, dad.
What are you talking about, Joe? Look, you can't even see the sunburn anymore.
Nice work, Blake.
Any time, David.
All right.
Yeah, thanks for touching me up too.
Dad, what if the whole school finds out the truth? Joe, I'm not embarrassed that I wear a tinted moisturizer.
I'm talking about me, dad.
Do you know what happens when I lie? I'll be farting up and down the hallways.
Price of freedom, Joe.
Price of freedom.
Okay.
Now it's personal.
I am going door to door until I identify who this belongs to.
Dad, please do something.
She's turning into the crazy poop lady.
Now I've narrowed the contents down to either the fazio's poodle or the Goldstein's bichon.
Honey, do these smell more like meatballs or matzoh balls to you? They smell like crazy balls.
I rest my case.
You know, we're living in a society where rules are meant to be followed.
Daddy says rules are meant to be broken.
That's only the stupid ones, honey.
Come on.
All right, Joe, go get in the car.
All right.
Oh, don't put the seat belt on.
I don't want to ruin your makeup.
Kidding.
It's a joke.
[Laughs.]
Come on.
Okay, honey.
Just to understand you, your solution to Joe's stress problem is to ditch school, go to the beach, and lie to cover it up.
You understand me completely.
It's why we make such a perfect team.
You don't think that's gonna screw things up even more? [Sighs.]
Honey, if I took the time to think about why I do things, I wouldn't have time to do anything.
I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
Anybody? Um, dude, I don't want to freak you out, but I think your face is, like, melting.
All: Eww! All right, that's enough, class.
I am concerned about Joe.
He has never missed a day of school.
Are you okay, Joe? Yeah.
I'm fine.
[Flatulence.]
Does anyone else smell sausage links? No, wait.
Patties.
Joe, unfortunately, I think I know what's going on here.
Well, you'll be happy to know that my teacher thinks I have a horrible skin disease.
Aw, Joe.
That's awful.
But? Nobody suspects me of playing hooky.
- So? - Thank you? You're welcome.
Ah, it's no wonder you're the dads who care co-chair co-caring dad of the year.
- Uh - Huh.
- Dad - Huh? I can't keep this up.
This is more pressure than the streak.
Oh.
Joe, take it easy.
Listen.
I'm I'm gonna go to school with you tomorrow, and I'll clear the whole thing up, okay? Thanks, dad.
Okay.
I just ate a big meal, and I'm not waiting to go swimming.
Let's see what happens.
[Sighs.]
I hope you don't mind, Mr.
Hobbs, but I mentioned Joe's condition to his classmates, and they really wanted to do something.
Oh, no.
Uh, all right.
Mrs.
Lee, there's something that you should know.
The [children chanting.]
Your skin can't win.
Your skin can't win.
Your skin can't win.
Your skin can't win.
You're waving? Oh, it's just a reflex, Joe.
Mr.
Hobbs, principal Templeman.
- Hey.
We're all pulling for your boy.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Just tell them.
I can't.
If we tell them the truth now, they're all gonna feel silly for caring.
[Children chanting.]
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! I'm sorry! I lied! I don't have a skidisen it's a miracle! He's cured! [All cheering.]
Oh, yeah, yes! Filing a false absence note, impersonating a false disease, accepting public sympathy for said false disease, and committing hooky.
Here's the thing.
We both know that my son Joe is a good kid.
He really is.
He's not to blame here.
If there's anybody to blame It's the school.
Really? And as the leader of that school, a lot of that blame lies with you, my friend.
I mean, look at the pressure you put these kids on.
You kn, my son developed a twitch.
There it is.
Look at that.
It's unsightly.
Is it any wonder he needed a day off? And I'll tell you something else.
He's not alone in all of this.
When we went to the beach, you know what we saw? We saw Lacey fisher and her mother hanging out on a boat.
Now, as America's number one dad, I'd like to think that you'd like to act as America's number one principal and apologize.
Wow.
Joe, would you step outside, so I can talk to your father? Ooh, this isn't gonna end well.
[Laughs.]
I'll be out in a second.
He just wants to apologize to me in private.
I get it.
Did I say "wow" already? 'Cause if I did, I should have added this to it.
Mr.
Hobbs, you've inspired me.
I've just decided to institute a parent/student detention session on Saturdays.
- Oh.
One that will hold parents equally accountable for their children's behavior.
Ooh.
Yeah.
You know, the wife loves her Saturdays.
But if you think it's the right thing to do, she'll be here.
And we're back to "wow.
" Come on, guys.
You're gonna be late to detention.
I don't want to go to stupid detention.
Well, sweetie, your dad's going with you.
You should follow his example.
I don't want to go to stupid detention.
So were you and Marcus at least able to reschedule the "dads who care" interview? No.
It's live radio, so we're locked in.
- Oh.
Gonna have to do the interview from stupid detention.
I'm going back to bed.
I stayed up late watching Titanic.
Spoiler alert: The ship sinks.
It's not a total loss.
The fishers couldn't outrun the law either.
Hey, Lacey.
I see we both got detention.
Apparently, the principal got an anonymous tip that we were on a boat the other day.
Yeah, well, it's like I tell if you gonna do the crime, you gotta do the time.
What crime? I lost my mother recently.
We were on that boat scattering her ashes into the sea.
They were still on a boat.
Good morning.
Looks like we're all principal templeman, if I may.
I noticed that there wasn't any coffee to go with those doughnuts so I'd like to treat.
I know Mrs.
fisher could usea ttle pick-me-up.
So if you'll just let me call my assistant there will be no cell phones, everyone.
Add theirs to the box.
Thank u.
Thank you.
They'll be in my office at the end of the day.
Nicely played.
Very nice.
Very nice.
I get it.
Okay, listen.
Here's the thing.
When you're done with your little show, I have a very important live interview I have to do, so if you would slip me back that phone without anybody seeing, that'd be great.
Mr.
Hobbs seems to think this is all fun and games.
Well, it's not.
Is that clear? Yes, sir.
- Stop that.
- Absolutely.
I'm not kidding.
Do you and your son want to be here again next week? Oh, no, sir.
That's another week.
Oh, I'm in big trouble.
- And another.
- Dad, you're killing me.
Wait a minute, he's serious? And another! [Groans.]
This stupid detention! This stakeout's the only way we're gonna sniff out the poop-a-traitor.
What if they're already gone and on the runs? [Laughs.]
Okay, the fact that we're out here is bad enough, but do we really have to keep making poop puns? - Yes, we do - Do.
All right, people.
I have to make a few business calls.
But I'll be right out in the hallway.
So if any of you were thinking about jumping ship, Mrs.
fisher [Sobs.]
Don't.
Dad? What are you doing? It's better you don't know, Joe.
But I do like people knowing where I am at all times so they don't worry about me.
I'm gonna go get my phone, I'm gonna do the interview, okay? Forget about me.
Go back with the other students.
Okay.
I don't want you here.
Go on, now get.
Go.
- Fine.
- This ain't no life for you.
No argument here.
I'll see you later.
Are you really not gonna help me? I'm your dad.
Fine.
I can't get in any more trouble, so Before you make that call, we're about to crawl into a vent.
So let's see how it plays out.
Fantasia, would you hurry up, fantasia? The crazy poop lady is on to us.
Look, she's even got flyers out in the neighborhood.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Don't give me that shy look.
Do your business.
I do it in front of you.
- Okay, you guys.
Lunch break is over.
Let's get back into position.
They're coming.
Come on.
Let's go, girl.
Come on.
Let's go.
This is worse than when we had to wait for Joe after he swallowed the quarter from his 50-state collection.
Yeah, the weird thing was that he swallowed a Colorado, but pooped out a Hawaii.
Only magic trick he ever pulled off.
Great.
Now we're stuck here.
How come I couldn't fall in love with a manly dog that I wasn't afraid to be seen with? [Babbles.]
How you doing back there, dad? Yeah, I'm good.
I'm no stranger to climbing through vents.
Season two we did an episode called see dad vent his frustration.
- Oh, I love that one.
- Yeah.
America loves climbing through vents.
Do you have any idea where you're going? Okay.
We're right above the principal's office.
Okay.
Let's push this down.
[Clanging.]
Almost there.
Ooh! It's okay, dad.
The floor broke my fall.
Oh, good.
Now go grab the phone.
I got it.
Dear, I promise I'll be home by 4:00.
Yes, I'm having the yogurt that you packed me.
It's templeman! - Oh! - Save yourself.
D do anhe interview, dad.
Do it for America.
No, Margaret.
I did not stop for doughnuts, and I resent the accusation.
Well, apology accepted.
Yes, I love you too.
Ah, Saturdays.
It's bear claw time.
Margaret said I shouldn't eat you.
[Growling.]
[Cell phone rings.]
Hello? This is he.
Well, yeah.
I just want to tell you that I'm honored to have been chosen.
Am I whispering? I don't think so.
Marcus, are theryou maybe they can hear you better.
Yes, I'm here.
What? No, I'm not whispering either.
What we're trying to say is we are not whispering.
And we both care.
Yes, and we both want to be good role models and set a good example for our children.
Exactly.
Being stand-up citizens and walking proudly in the community.
Principal templeman.
Joe, how long have you been there? Since the bear claw fight.
You care to explain yourself, young man? I wanted to get my dad's phone back so he could do his interview.
You see, he's a role model for so many people.
I just didn't want him to let them down.
So I crawled through the vent and I was gonna give him his phone back.
The whole thing was my idea.
Well, Joe, I thought you were a role model for a lot of people as well.
I guess I was wrong.
You were wrong.
About being wrong.
Joe is a role model.
How long have you been there? Since the bear claw fight.
We both saw it.
Principal templeman, Joe is not the guilty one.
And neither is the school.
And neither are you.
I am.
And if Joe was feeling any pressure at all, he's feeling way more now because of me.
And here he is still trying to take the fall for me.
Well, I'm not gonna let that happen this time.
I'm gonna take the fall for him.
A little on the nose, but okay.
Yes, that's the type of father we used to depict on the show.
Someone ugh.
Who wouldn't hide from responsibility.
Tazey, come back here.
You know we're supposed to be hiding.
Tazey.
[Gasps.]
Somebody's dog, look like a skunk dog ran through there.
I've been trying to get a picture of it.
Marcus? Look, I gotta go.
It's been honor.
Bye.
When did you get a dog? Oh, look at her.
It's been two weeks.
Look, my cigar shop is right next to a dog rescue.
So I was up to six cigars a day just so I could see her in the window.
Finally, I had to take my little tazey home.
Then why didn't you pick up after tazey? [Sighs.]
I just couldn't do it.
I felt like every time I threw her poop away, look at this face.
Do you blame me? [Gasps.]
Who's a little schmootzie wootzie bear? Who's got the cutest little face? [Laughs.]
Why didn't you tell us you got a doggy-woggy? That's why.
Did he scare you? It's okay.
Let's go home and cuddle and watch basketball.
"Dear Kevin, " we accept the fact that you get a little upset "when we leave for the beach without you.
But you have to accept this family for who we are.
" [Don't you (Forget about me) By simple minds.]
"A crazy poop lady.
" "The embarrassed daughter of a crazy poop lady.
" "A rule breaker.
" "An attendance junkie.
" "A little doggy lover.
" "And America's number one dad.
"But one thing we know for sure "we're better when we're all together.
"Which includes you, Kevin.
"So no, we didn't forget about you.
Now hurry up, we're in the car.
" Yes!