Slow Horses (2022) s03e03 Episode Script

[PEOPLE AT HEADQUARTERS CHATTERING]
[KNOCKING]
Ingrid, how simply
delightful to see you.
I would offer you tea or coffee,
but I think what you really need
is a big slice of
humble pie. What's this?
My resignation. Let's
get this over with.
Oh, no need to go that far,
unless there's some personal
scandal I don't know about.
You set a tiger team on MI5.
What's that? I'm not
familiar with the jargon.
[INGRID SIGHS]
A tiger team is a unit employed
to test an organization's defenses.
So, sort of set a
thief to catch a thief.
Pay someone to check whether your
security systems are any good.
That's it.
In that case, yes, I did
do that. Guilty as charged.
But isn't it more to probe weaknesses,
test whether said organization
can pass muster under pressure?
Yes. All of that.
And how did MI5 fare?
One of our agents was blackmailed
into breaking into the Park
to steal the PM's vetting file.
So far, so bad. Did they get it?
- [INGRID] No.
- Shame. I'd love a gander.
Is it true he gets his
wife to piss on him,
or is that just a rumor
I started? I forget.
They got close enough
that this counts as a major
security breach on my watch,
which is why I have to go.
I don't want you to go, Ingrid.
Then what do you want?
[DOOR BUZZING]
Oh. Finally. [GROANS]
You made me look like a muppet
by bringing me a fake diamond
just so you could sneak into the Park.
Look, this has just been one
big misunderstanding. Okay?
Please. For the 1,000th time,
I believed that Catherine
Standish's life was in danger.
Relax. Chieftain are handing
her over now. Standish is fine.
I know she's fine.
[GRUNTS]
F God's [GROANS]
Come on! Fuck.
Well played, mate. Well
played. Mission accomplished.
Tiger team are a roaring
success. And the beers? On me.
I don't drink.
Okay, well, have a shandy then.
But a celebration is in order.
Chieftain beat the spooks. They're
supposed to be the professionals,
and we turned one of
them into our puppet.
This is great for business.
Gonna get a lot of
contracts out of this. A lot.
And you, my friend, can have first dibs.
I think I might have a rest after this.
Okay. Well, let me know. Well done, son.
Who is this? Am I going with him?
Maybe you don't know. You're
obviously not in charge.
Miss Standish, I'm here to take
you wherever you want to go.
- [HAMMER COCKS]
- She's not getting out, you're getting in.
[STURGES] What the fuck are you doing?
The operation is over.
This isn't part of
Hands on your head.
Don't.
Hands on head.
Have you lost your fucking mind?
[SEAN] Take his gun. Tie him up.
You move over, please.
[GRUNTING]
- [SEAN] Stop! [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS] No!
- Come on! Fucking come on!
- [ENGINE SPUTTERS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[STURGES] The fuck are you playing at?
[BREATHES HEAVILY, CHUCKLES]
Oh, perfect. Brilliant.
- [SEAN] Head down.
- All right. Fucking hell.
[STURGES GROANS]
- [SEAN] Yeah?
- [STURGES] Yeah.
So am I now an actual hostage?
[GROANS]
["STRANGE GAME" PLAYING]
MI5 has become rather stuck in its ways.
So I'll be bringing in advisers
from the private sector who can help
with streamlining and efficiency
so that the taxpayer
gets value for money.
I see. And am I to assume these
people will be from Chieftain?
Having just got the better
of your security systems,
I feel that they're more than qualified
to tell you where you
might be going wrong.
The CEO is an old friend of yours.
I happened to be at
school with Sly Monteith,
but I was at school
with a lot of people.
Do you have any financial
links to the firm?
That's a very impertinent
question, Ingrid,
As you know, all my financial assets
have been placed in a blind trust.
If you have any more questions,
I wonder if I should fish
that letter out of the bin
and give Diana Taverner a call.
No, that won't be necessary.
Good. I look forward to a new
phase in our relationship
in which I am the daddy.
Jesus. Elton John live bootlegs.
I'll have to borrow this.
Cure for my insomnia.
[MARCUS] God, you're ignorant.
The greatest songwriter of
the last 50 years, Elton John.
[PHONE CHIMING]
God, this is boring.
[MARCUS] Geez, it's like
being out with my kids.
What, you check gambling websites
when you're out with your kids?
Mmm. Looking after
their financial security.
[COUGHS] By remortgaging?
Ho told me.
I'm remortgaging 'cause
we're getting the loft done.
Nothing to do with my gambling.
Not that it's any of your
fucking business, by the way.
You're the one that
wanted to partner up.
You're hardly selling
yourself as a prospect.
- At least I don't get high on the job.
- I never get high on the job.
[SCOFFS]
God, you're always here to
bring me right fucking down.
- Hey, where you going? Why?
- In there.
To see what we can learn about
the man that's got Standish.
We don't have a warrant.
We didn't have one for Catherine's flat.
That's different. We
knew her, and technically,
we shouldn't have done it.
Stay in the car then.
Shut up.
[SIGHING]
- [MARCUS] Come on.
- [SHIRLEY] Fuck's sake.
[MARCUS] God, you're so good at this.
Can you just wait a second?
- [LOCKPICK CLINKS]
- [MARCUS] Just leave it.
Seriously? [GRUMBLES]
[SHIRLEY] See? Easy.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
[JACKSON] Just in case you're
stupid enough to still be sitting
on Donovan's flat,
you can get back to the
office. It was a tiger team.
They took Standish to pressure
Cartwright to break into the Park.
Shit. Did he do it?
[SIGHS] Yep.
Lamb. Catherine was
taken by a tiger team.
What, so we staked this place
out and broke in for no reason?
Well, at least it got
us out of the office.
- We better get back there.
- I'm gonna take a piss before we leave.
[STAMMERS] Make it quick.
I'll take as long as I like, thanks.
Ugh.
[KNOCKING]
[SIGHS]
If you like listening to women pee,
I think there's websites for that.
[MARCUS] You need to come and see this.
[SIGHS]
So what? It's just the
planning for the tiger team op.
Knew they were watching us.
There's another wall.
[SHIRLEY] "Grey Books"?
Yeah. MI5 compendium
of conspiracy theories.
Yeah, I know what the
Grey Books are. Thanks.
[SHIRLEY] But what's this
bullshit got to do with Catherine?
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
[SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
- [JACKSON] Where are those from?
- Donovan's flat.
What are you doing in there?
I told you it was a tiger team.
Yeah. Well, we were
kind of already in here.
So Sean Donovan's a conspiracy
nut with a phase two?
Yeah. Phase two is the Grey Books,
MI5 compendium of conspiracy
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know
what the Grey Books are.
Right. Well, it looks like
he's gonna keep hold of Standish
till he gets a look at them.
Well, document everything
and get it to Ho. Right?
[STAMMERS] And do not let
anyone outside of Slough House
know about this until I've worked
out how much of a nut bag Donovan is.
[SIGHS]
[STURGES GROANS]
- You're fucking mad, you are.
- [SEAN] Yep.
Through there.
Stairs.
There's a similarity between
you and that other man.
- Is that a coincidence?
- Shut up.
Clearly a sore point, which makes
me think it's not a coincidence.
I said, "Shut up."
[CATHERINE] You didn't have
to look for the light switch,
so this is your house,
isn't it? Your family home.
And that other man must be Ben,
so you're either Sarah or Alison.
- [DOOR LOCK CLICKS]
- [SIGHS]
Stinking pile of dog shit.
- [STURGES GROANS]
- Smile.
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
Let's see what Chieftain make of this.
They'll rain blood and fire on you.
Oh, yeah. [SIGHS] Can't wait. Get in.
[SIGHS]
Sit tight. Wait it
out, and it'll be fine.
How long before Chieftain call?
No idea.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[SEAN BREATHES DEEPLY]
Now we've got one of
yours and one of MI5's.
If you want them both released unharmed,
you need to do exactly what we say.
Are you listening?
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- [DIANA] Lamb.
[JACKSON] Well, you got nerve.
First you turn Slough House
into a sorting office,
then you stand me up
Well, they're doing a total security
reset. It's mayhem down there.
Yeah, I can see that.
What's the fallout?
[DIANA] Remains to be seen.
Tearney's with Judd as we speak.
Well, what are you doing?
Measuring curtains for her office?
I have learned never to underestimate
Dame Ingrid. She is a survivor.
Yeah, she is, and Judd
may have crowed too soon.
Tiger team's gone rogue.
They won't let Standish go.
Why on earth not? Surely
the operation is completed.
Well, I thought they might
have already been in touch.
They want the Grey Books.
They told you that?
No, uh, kidnapper's wall
planner. Name of Sean Donovan.
Well, I haven't heard anything.
And if they were
demanding the Grey Books,
I'd know 'cause they've been relocated
to the facility under my supervision.
Uh, yeah, which means they're
one up from toilet paper.
[CLEARS THROAT] In
return for the heads-up,
I would like Cartwright back.
As I'm sure you're aware,
I do not have command
of the Dogs right now.
Send him out, Diana, or I'm coming in.
[GRUNTS, COUGHS]
Get up.
Get up!
You know, I'm kinda
fine down here, you know?
- [COUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]
I'm not gonna ask you
again. River, get up.
Whatever, uh, issues you have
That you clearly have, that
you're working through
Maybe you should just talk to someone.
Because based on this, I just
I don't think violence
is making you happy.
[GROANING]
[GRUNTS, COUGHS]
Don't know why you're crying, son.
You got nothing between your legs.
[GRUNTS, GROANING]
[COUGHING, SIGHS]
Yeah, you need to get this
out of your system quickly
before Lamb comes to get me. [GROANS]
You think I give a fuck about Lamb?
I kinda do, actually. Yeah.
What is he, some sort of twisted
fucking father figure to you, eh?
Because you never knew your own dad,
and you'll never fucking be as
good as your grandfather, eh?
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
- You wanna hit me, don't you?
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
You want to have a fucking swing at me?
Come on, champ! Fucking
have at it! Come on.
[CHUCKLES, BREATHING HEAVILY]
Sorry. [BREATHING DEEPLY]
Attack a senior agent now?
A head Dog. Nah.
No, that would definitely
get me kicked out.
[SUCKS TEETH] So you have at it, champ.
[CHUCKLES]
Because any minute now,
that door is gonna open
and I'm just gonna
walk right out of here.
[CLEARS THROAT, GROANS]
And until then, I can take
whatever it is you've got.
- Are you feeling what
- [GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS, COUGHING]
[WHEEZING]
- [KNOCKING]
- [NICK] Come in!
Ah, right. Right on cue.
My ticket out of here.
- [DOOR BUZZES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[SNIFFS, SIGHS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Got his bollocks yet?
- Yeah, I've softened him up for ya.
- [HOBBS GRUNTS]
[RIVER COUGHS]
No, wait, listen
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[WHEEZES, GROANS]
- Look, I know we've had our differences
- [SHUSHES]
but I've just gotta warn you,
I do have very tough balls.
And I'm only saying
that because you're
- [HOBBS SCREAMING, GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]
[SHIRLEY] Okay, let's get this
to Ho, see what he can turn up.
He's just gonna read this
and agree with most of it.
Probably wrote some of it.
- [SIREN BLARES]
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [POLICE OFFICERS] Police!
- We're in here.
- [MARCUS] Did Lamb send you?
- Whoa.
- [OFFICER 2] Don't know a Lamb.
- [SHIRLEY, MARCUS GROANING]
Neighbor called. Said
he saw you creeping in.
- Wait. This is a crime scene.
- Idiots.
- [OFFICER 1] Yeah. You done a burglary.
- We're MI5.
Yeah. Check my pockets.
So I can get spiked by a
junkie needle? No, thanks.
Do I look like a junkie? Look,
I've got an MI5 ID in my pocket.
Check it now before it
gets really bad for you.
[SCOFFS]
[OFFICER 2] Check his. I'll check hers.
- Yeah, or you could make some calls.
- In the back pocket. Right there.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
[SIGHS]
- Okay, boss. Looks legit.
- Mmm.
[CLICKS TONGUE] What's this then?
Got to be fucking kidding me.
- I'm undercover. I've got it for a sting.
- Uh-huh.
- [SHIRLEY, MARCUS GROANING]
- [HANDCUFFS CLINKING]
- [RADIO CHATTER]
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
[POLICE OFFICER 2] Jackson Lamb?
- Maybe.
- This is Officer Moseley of the Met.
I'm calling 'cause I've arrested
Marcus Longridge and Shirley Dander
for breaking and entering, and
possession of class-A drugs.
Uh-huh.
Longridge says he had the go-ahead
from you to enter the flat,
and Dander says, uh, the
drugs were for a sting.
[SIGHS] All right, you can let
'em go and then give 'em a message.
Yeah, go ahead.
[SIGHS]
Yeah. Uh-huh.
[SIGHS]
Sorry about that. You're free to go.
No hard feelings. Just doing your job.
[GROANING]
[GROANS, SIGHS]
Flush it.
[OFFICER 1] You don't
need it for your sting?
[SUCKS TEETH] Flush it.
Oh, uh, before you go,
Lamb had a message for you.
"You're fucking fired.
I got fucking hemorrhoids that
are more fucking use than you."
[TURNSTILE CLANKS]
[TURNSTILE BEEPS]
[DOOR BEEPS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
- [JACKSON CHUCKLES]
- Got some rubbish for you.
[JACKSON COUGHS]
What kept you?
Thanks for giving him a good
kicking. Saves me the bother.
[RIVER GROANS]
You're gonna bring me that diamond
and the name of the idiot fucking horse
that took it, or I'm
gonna come over there,
and I'm gonna open you up like
a tin of beans. Do you hear me?
[STAMMERS] I'm trying
to place you. You
[SCOFFS] You're the bloke that
walks around our local park
picking up dog shit.
We danced once.
Next time I'll put you down.
Dream on, sir.
I could take you down with an eyelash.
[SIGHS]
[RIVER] Right. Before you say anything,
what would you have done
if you'd been sent that?
Well, I'd done what they said.
Then once they let her go,
I'd have killed every
one of the bastards.
- [DRIVER] Yes, mate?
- Uh, Chelsea, please, mate.
If they threatened to kill
you, on the other hand,
I'd buy 'em a beer and the bullets.
[BOTH SIGHS]
Eh, hang on a minute, mate.
[RIVER SIGHS]
Wait, what are you doing?
Come on, out you get.
Why? Where are you going?
Chelsea. Did you not hear me?
- Where am I going?
- [SIGHS]
Go meet Louisa at Chieftain.
They're the twats behind all
of this. She'll fill you in.
But the headline is they hired a team
with a hidden agenda,
still holding Standish.
[SIGHING]
Is it not on the way? Can
I not just come with you?
Yes
and no.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS, GROANS]
[GROANS]
Ma'am.
- Afternoon, ma'am.
- I need to address the hub.
[AGENT] It seems Cartwright
got out through the car park.
Yeah.
So, I thought we could start
an interim report, ma'am.
[INGRID] Yeah.
I paused comms for your address.
[CHATTERING]
As many of you are aware, there
was an incursion this morning.
An uncleared agent acquired
access to a restricted area.
This was part of an exercise
that neither I nor anyone
else in MI5 was aware of.
An exercise we failed.
Pending this, there will be a
full review of security systems.
Back to work.
[DIANA] You're still here. Well done.
Do you mean that?
We've had our differences, Ingrid,
but I would hate to see you
forced out by someone like Judd.
My ultimate loyalty lies
with you and the Service.
I can't believe I'm
saying that out loud.
[SIGHS] Well, I'm not
sure how long I'll last.
Given he now has this failure
to use to push me around.
- What does he want?
- [SIGHS]
To bring in the private sector.
Specifically Chieftain.
Oh, he'll never get
that through. Not now.
There's been a holdup.
Lamb says the tiger team
have their own agenda.
Have they made contact
with him over Standish?
No, he found a flat with their prep.
Apparently they want
to see the Grey Books.
Well, that's never gonna happen.
Have you heard anything from
Chieftain about any of this?
Not a peep. Do you want me to ask?
No.
If there's any mess, it's theirs.
They can clean it up.
That's what I thought.
Thank you, Diana. We have to
limit the collateral damage here.
Oh. Poor Standish.
I wasn't meaning her, I was
talking about us. But yes.
Hopefully she'll come through unscathed.
[CHAUFFEUR] Good afternoon, sir.
Afternoon, Sly.
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Fuck me. This is bigger
than my flat. [SNIFFS]
Do you mind if I smoke?
- Yes.
- [SIGHS]
So, Sly.
Now, that is a that's a terrible
name. What's it short for? Slime?
[SLY] I don't know who you are,
but you should know that I
own a private security firm,
which means I have some very
dangerous people in my pay.
Yeah. Too fucking right
they're dangerous. [SNIFFS]
That Sean Donovan, one of your tiger
team, is an absolute fruit basket.
Catherine Standish.
One of my team, in case you're
wondering why I give a shit.
I see.
No, I don't think you do.
[CLEARS THROAT] Donovan's gone rogue.
Won't let Standish go until he's
had a look at the Grey Books.
Standish should have
been released hours ago.
Oh, well, it hasn't happened.
And what the fuck are the Grey Books?
The Grey Books examine every conspiracy
theory from the last 100 years.
And, uh, you know, surprise, surprise,
decide that they're all bollocks.
But there are some nut cases out there
who think the Grey Books will prove that
Elvis shot JFK, and
Hitler built the pyramids.
I don't know anything about this.
Jesus Christ. This
is a fucking disaster.
Yeah, ain't it just. That's why
I thought I'd pay you a visit.
[INHALES DEEPLY] And
nothing's happening, you see.
No Standish, no request
for the Grey Books.
[SCOFFS] Nothing. [STAMMERS]
I need it all unblocked.
Yeah, speaking of which
- [FARTS]
- Ooh.
[SNIFFS] Anyway
[EXHALES SHARPLY, SNIFFS]
get it sorted.
I imagine neither of us
wanna see the other again.
Fucking hell. Oh, God, I hope
that don't go into the groundwater.
Here, you wanna keep
that? Mask the smell?
- No.
- [GRUNTS]
I advise you to leave quickly.
[SCOFFS] I'd advise you
to leave the windows open.
[RIVER CLEARS THROAT]
What the hell happened to you?
Oh, just Duffy.
[SNIFFS] Then Hobbs.
What? Did they beat you up?
Yes, obviously.
- Wow.
- [RIVER] So why are we here then?
Lamb wants us to get
Chieftain's file on the op,
background on Donovan and the team.
Seems that they have their own agenda.
- Are they gonna give that to us?
- Yeah, they are. We're MI5.
Who the fuck are they?
A multimillion-pound security firm
with connections to the Home Secretary.
Well, I don't give a shit.
Bankrupting myself having four coffees,
hanging out here watching these
cocks swan in and out. So, come on.
[GROANS]
[WEBB] Hey, listen, fuckers.
Yeah, you've kept me waiting there
for hours, and I want answers.
You people You can't put me
through the wringer like that, yeah,
and expect it to be all smoothed
over with a fucking phone call.
I want money. I want moola, moola.
You understand? I don't [STAMMERS]
- I know, actually
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, my God. River.
[SCOFFS] And the lovely Louisa.
Go fuck yourself.
Need to speak to whoever's in
charge of this morning's op.
- I'll see if they're free.
- [WEBB] Oh, what? Okay. What?
So you jump when MI5 ask, but
Joe Public can go whistle, can he?
- Fuck's sake.
- Shut up.
- [WEBB SIGHS]
- Listen.
- So, you you know it was a tiger team?
- [WEBB SIGHS]
I do now, yeah. I didn't when
I was standing on that bridge
with a fucking sniper sight on my chest.
These people They've been
They've been paid a fortune for this op.
And after what I've been
through, I want a taste.
- [SCOFFS]
- You should get some too.
Hey, do you wanna go in together?
Whatever they offer we ask for triple.
No, I'm fine, mate.
- Hey.
- I'm here to do a job.
- Hey, I know we've had our history, right?
- [SCOFFS]
But for once we're on the
same side. We both got played.
You always get played, Spider.
There's a good point.
Did you get the file?
- [PHONE RINGING]
- No. But I coulda done.
- Lamb pulled me out.
- [WEBB] Oh.
[RIVER] How's your
sister then? Is she okay?
[WEBB SIGHS] Oh, she's
fine, mate. Standish okay?
Well, there's been a bit of a holdup.
But of course, um,
can't go into that because
you're not in the Service anymore.
- [WEBB CHUCKLES] That's told me.
- So. Yeah.
[WEBB SIGHS]
Talking of which, um
I know we, um we never
had a chance to chat after
- that whole disaster with the Russians.
- No, save it.
- No, no, no, this is long overdue, and I
- [CLEARS THROAT]
I feel terrible that I didn't
reach out and say this earlier.
But
I forgive you.
[RIVER CLEARS THROAT]
- Excuse me?
- I got shot
while you were running
security, but I forgive you.
Okay. Okay.
- He's not worth it, is he?
- [RECEPTIONIST] You can go through now.
The Command and Control Executive
Officer is ready to speak to you.
God, that's a twat-y title.
- That's the private sector for you.
- If you'd like to follow me.
Uh, Mr. Webb, you can
come through now as well.
So you were a while in hospital then?
Couple of months. [SIGHS]
Lucky for some.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I heard you quit before
they could fire you.
Not quite in that order.
They gave me the option.
Slough House or leave
the Service. So I left.
- No offense.
- Literally none taken.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- [DOORS OPEN]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[RIVER SIGHS]
So where are you working now then?
Well [SIGHS]
here.
Say hello to your Command
and Control Executive Officer.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHEERING]
[CHUCKLING]
You fucking Fuck off.
I weren't lying.
I am here for compensation.
A big, fat fucking bonus.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
[CHUCKLES]
I should split it with ya, but I won't.
How'd you know we were coming?
Didn't. Saw you outside
staking the place out,
told everyone to play along
if you came in and you did
[INHALES SHARPLY] with
Cart-wrong. [CHUCKLES]
- The gods are smiling on me today.
- Oh, my God, you're so pathetic.
- Am I?
- Yeah.
With my six-figure
private sector salary,
company car, and massive penis.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
Thank you, River. Thank
you. You were magnificent.
Judd wanted Chieftain to
run a tiger team on the Park.
They reached out to me as an ex-employee
and set me the task of selecting
the biggest sucker on the books.
I got to say, it didn't take long.
- R to the I to the V-E-R.
- [LAUGHING]
God, you know what?
I almost feel guilty about
accepting that huge consultancy fee
for literally a minute's work.
I knew you'd take the bait again.
Tear off and try and be a hero.
[BLOWS, BREATHES SHAKILY]
River, please believe
me. Please believe me.
They're gonna kill my sister and
her her her kids. [MOCK CRYING]
[CHUCKLING] Rafer, you fucker.
Come here, mate. Come here.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, mate.
[LAUGHING] Rafer was the
sniper. Show 'em your rifle.
- [IMITATING GUNSHOTS, GROANS]
- [IMITATING GUNSHOTS]
- [LAUGHING] Nice one, mate.
- [LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES] Oh, God.
You don't even have a sister, do you?
No, I do. But we haven't spoken
in years. She's a total bitch.
Are you gonna give us your
files on Donovan and the team?
[INHALES SHARPLY, BLOWS]
Nah. You can kiss my unwashed anus.
Je They're not
letting her go, Spider.
All under control.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
the boss and I have a lunch with the
[CLEARS THROAT] Home Secretary.
I'm gonna be part of
an advisory committee
on improving MI5's efficiency.
Do you wanna know my first
recommendation? It's a good one.
Shut down Slough House.
[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna fucking
break your neck you f
- [CLAMORING]
- [LOUISA] All right. Let's go.
[CHUCKLES] You should be thanking me.
You don't want to be there, River, mate.
Time to move on to your true calling.
Shoving fruit up your arse on OnlyFans.
[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]
If you ever want a job,
Guy, just drop me a line.
You'll at least get an
interview. Microphone drop.
It's mic drop you
- [PEOPLE LAUGHING, CHEERING]
- [EXCLAIMS]
Yeah! Ah, yes, mate. Love it.
- [RIVER] Fucking Spider.
- Fucking you.
- [RIVER] What?
- It was Spider, again.
- You should have known.
- What do you mean I should've known?
- So fucking humiliating.
- How did
[WEBB] Literally the number of times
I wanted to punch him in the face
and that It was just better.
It was better than a punch in the face.
It was better than a dart in the face.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Oh, you just missed Cartwright.
It was butane.
I have just been threatened
by a Jackson fucking Lamb
because Standish is still being held.
- Oh, that?
- What do you mean, "Oh, that"?
You told me it had all
gone like clockwork.
It has and it will.
Nothing is gonna happen to
Standish [INHALES SHARPLY]
or our guy that they're holding.
What guy?
Jesus. This gets worse and worse.
Tell me where we're at. No bullshit.
[CHUCKLES] It's actually quite
Anyway, they demanded a meet
with me, due to begin shortly,
from where I will escort them
to have a look at something
- called the Grey Books.
- Yes. Lamb told me about the Grey Books.
How does Lamb know?
Oh, God knows. He seems
to know everything.
What are you going to do?
Well, not show, obviously.
[CHUCKLES] They have
two fucking hostages,
and you propose to stand them up?
There is no way MI5 are gonna
open up the Grey Books for them.
And they're not actually
gonna kill anyone.
They'll realize they're
making twats of themselves
- and release her soon enough.
- You're going to the meet. I want this sorted.
We have our lunch with Judd.
No. [CHUCKLES] I have a lunch with Judd.
You're not going unless our guy
and Standish are both released.
[SCOFFS] How am I supposed to do that?
You're ex-MI5. Pull some
strings or pay them off.
- Uh, w with what?
- Your fucking fee. I don't give a shit.
Donovan really believes
some of this shit.
- As do I, by the way. [CHUCKLES]
- [TYPING]
There's no way we've
been to the Moon. [SCOFFS]
He posts on conspiracy sites
under a handle, obviously.
I might have even interacted with him.
Where would a twat like
Peter Judd have lunch?
[TYPING]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[WEBB SIGHS]
What's that?
That's my beautiful bonus,
which I'm giving you.
It's not about money.
Oh, fuck off. It's always about money.
By the way, did you bribe Taverner
to ring me with that reference?
She got me the job at Chieftain.
Christ knows why she wanted you.
- I want to see the Grey Books.
- Not gonna happen.
- Then we have a problem.
- Okay. I've tried the carrot.
- Do you want me to get out the stick?
- I'm the one with the stick.
We have two hostages. If
you wanna see them again,
you know what you have to do.
Sorry. Can we just
cut the bullshit, okay?
They're not hostages, and you're
not gonna do anything to them.
It's just a game, mate.
A big fucking stupid game.
Now, I don't know why you're doing this,
and I don't care, but I want it to stop.
Don't walk away from me, dickhead. Stop.
I command you to stop.
[SIGHS] I'm late for a lunch at
Anna Livia's with the Home Secretary.
I can't show my face
until Standish is released.
Now stop fucking around
and tell me where she is.
Go to your lunch.
Enjoy your hors d'oeuvres.
But don't play the big
man, you slick twat.
I'm not gonna take
lessons on being a man
from someone who
couldn't hold it together
when their secret fuck
buddy killed herself.
Yeah, I read your file, twat.
Now listen to me. I
[SHOUTS, GRUNTS]
And I'd advise you to stay down.
Hey.
[SIGHS]
Hey.
[SLY] You sure it makes
sense to keep Tearney?
[PETER] Well, for the time being.
We need to make sure
the cultural changes
you propose are bedded in enough
that her successor cannot reverse them.
Your guest, Mr. Webb, is here.
[PETER] Mmm. Send him over.
I reminded him the dress
code is smart-casual,
but he was quite curt and dismissive.
I will allow it because he's your guest,
but if you could have a word
What the fuck are you doing here?
I have to keep going higher
up to get this sorted out.
Fuck me. Every ponce and his brother.
I thought the tiger team operation
was successfully concluded.
It is. Small hiccup.
Webb is dealing with it.
[SIGHS] Well, once
you've delivered her back,
I'll leave you be. Give us a chip.
I'm not sure we've ever properly met.
Yeah, well [CHEWING]
it feels like we have.
I've met plenty of your
sort before. [GRUNTS]
If you've come to tell
me what you think of me,
I should warn you, I have
an incredibly thick skin.
So your barbs might not
wound as much as you hope.
Oh, I'm sorry to disappoint.
I don't think of you at all.
[CHUCKLES]
Christ, that's good. [SNIFFS]
How much does that cost?
More than your monthly salary.
What do you want? Other than Standish.
I just wanna be left
alone. [INHALES SHARPLY]
But then you came along
and fucked with my chi.
You see, Standish runs my diary.
Now, without her, I don't really
know what I'm supposed to be doing.
So I've got all this spare time
[SUCKS TEETH]
to come and fuck with you.
[HORNS HONKING]
[HORN HONKING]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]
- [WITNESS 1] Check his pulse.
I can't find a pulse.
His airways are clear,
but he's not breathing.
Jesus Christ. That's Webb.
[SCOFFS] Who was it who said, uh,
"You cannot reason with a tiger
when your head is in its mouth"?
Churchill.
[BUZZING]
Oh, but that won't be Webb calling,
seeing as he's now outside
impersonating roadkill.
[SUCKS TEETH] No, that'll be your
tiger team, looking for your head.
["STRANGE GAME" PLAYING]