Solar Opposites (2020) s03e03 Episode Script

This is stupid.
How are we still in the same line
from last episode?
This could take forever.
It's why it's great.
Have we moved at all?
Not me. I limit my movements each day
to save energy
in case I run into Tim Burton
so I can punch him in the face
for plagiarizing my whole tone.
Luckily, we can't stay in line
much longer.
We have to get back to watch the video
I show every morning
about the whole world exploding.
No, dawg. I got it loaded on my phone.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect
utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults were issued a Pupa
Are we really making one episode
go into another
as if we're some kind of acclaimed
television program like 24?
stranding us
on an overpopulated planet.
I've been talking.
I'm holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is my show.
I dropped the Pupa.
Are we really doing this?
We're still in line, baby.
My God, a lazy bottle episode.
They have so many emotions,
they don't know they can
set their mood rings to peaceful
and get on with their lives.
You always say something different.
I do?
God damn it, Terry, this sucks.
When do we do something interesting?
[STUTTERS] Wait for it.
We're about to do something awesome.
Ooh!
How fucking dope was that, Chumba?
I refuse to view shuffling forward
as an achievement.
You don't understand.
This line is rare.
It's what us pro-standers
call a "Category 5."
You rank them like hurricanes?
Yeah, technically,
this one's named Linda.
She's a handsome lady,
a combination of three lines:
for an iPhone,
a sneaker release,
and a sandwich
branded with the Supreme logo.
This is getting stupider.
A Cat 5 is not to be missed.
All the famous standers are here.
Andrew was front of the line
for the first Xbox back in '01.
Sarah served 3-5 for knifing
someone who cut in line
on a Black Friday at Ann Taylor Loft.
And Kyle Von Titsenburg,
dude with the pointy hat,
once held a pee for 72 hours.
Plus, great name.
So many motionless celebrities.
I feel like I'm at a wax museum.
I do like what the pros are wearing.
I can't resist the siren song
of hyper-specific gear.
I got my New Balance shuffles on,
my touch-the-wall-for-leverage
Asics gloves,
and my uncle hat
so my spots don't get burned.
Okay. I'll give it a chance.
[SLURPING]
Where's the Pupa going?
Look, he's getting biggie-size.
He's gonna do something awesome.
We should check it out.
The Pupa does love him
some wacky hijinks.
Let's see what he's up to.
It could be our whole story.
We can't leave line.
You promised.
For a second,
so we can see why he got so big.
He had a devilish grin.
He'll do something Pupa-y.
Don't tell me you aren't curious.
If you leave line for a second,
you lose your place.
Fighting temptation is the whole game.
Like edging,
but you do it around other people.
Look at that line there.
It's moving faster.
Rookie mistake.
If a line looks like it's moving,
it's an illusion.
As Kyle Von Titsenburg likes to say,
"Any line worth standing in
doesn't move."
That's stupid. Fuck you.
I'm joining the faster line, and I'm
gonna get my sneakers before you.
Later, losers. Suck my mound.
I knew you were the smart one.
Stick with me, okay?
- Jesse?
- Hello?
You doing that scary, teenage-girl,
silent-treatment thing?
That freaks me out. Stop it!
Look at the back of that guy's head.
[TRILLS]
Ew. Looks like
a melting stick of butter.
His hair is riding that nape.
He has a cowlick and a wallet chain?
Mama like.
Oh, boy, here we go.
Every time we're in line,
Jesse falls in love
with the back of some guy's head.
Nuh-uh. I'm thinking about what
the back of those arms would look like
outside the back of that shirt.
Keep it in your dress, Jesse.
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
[SNORING]
[GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION]
Stop fidgeting? I'm in the zone,
you're messing me up.
To focus, I count the number
of Kardashians over and over.
You're making me trip up
after the obese brother.
If we have to stand,
I'm doing something.
Like what?
Use that ray
that turns everyone into cigarettes.
- Then we'll walk over everyone.
- No!
Oh, fuck! Justin, the space station
turned into cigarettes!
Just like the fortune cookie
said it would!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Stop. Turning them into anything
would ruin it.
The point of the line
is to be in the line.
- The rays.
- No. No sci-fi of any kind.
Be in the moment.
I was trying a hobby you love,
but you love stupid stuff that sucks.
- I'm going to take off.
- See if I care.
Not everyone has what it takes.
We have a couple of Howlin' Rays rays
on the ship.
I'll shoot some carbon
into a chicken sandwich.
Linus, what's up, my dawg?
I was hoping I'd see you
standing around.
Ter-bear! The Ter-inator!
Terry and the Jets!
Oh, ah!
What the f-u-c-k?
Did you give him a smooch?
It's my thing.
Don't hang a light on it.
Thanks for holding my place.
Hired a hold-my-place stander
so I wouldn't miss a spot next to T-dog.
He's my line husband.
I'm sure you've heard all about me.
Korvo. I'm Terry's actual husband
slash unmarried team leader.
Korvo? Korv
No, he's never mentioned you.
Yes, I have. Remember?
I hate the way his eyes cartoonishly
bulge out when he's angry.
- They do not!
- There they are.
I would have remembered.
Terry and I go way back.
We started to fall in line together
when we were waiting to get
Mr. Wonderful's new set of sponges.
That was a day.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Remember
- My God.
- All the sponges.
Korvo was just about to take off.
He's not a line guy.
No, I wasn't about to take off.
- This line is just getting good.
- Really?
Yes. I look forward to continuing
to stand with my teammate
slash work husband in crime
slash life Terry
and this person named Lameus.
It's Linus with an "N."
Oh, what did I say?
Okay.
Well, welcome, compadre.
I only brought two bags
of DayQuil Blast Cheez-Its,
so you'll have to share.
They're Terrys favorite.
Now with extra quil?
Goodbye, thoughts.
I thought Terry
was a Mai Tai Goldfish man.
That was so 2019.
But who can keep track?
Terry is always yammering on
about snack foods.
You know me, I'm always Bugles this
and Twizzlers that. Such a yambone.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, God.
Huh, I knew it. It's always better
to switch to the fastest line.
Wow, okay, we're running now.
My line rules!
Fuck you, Terry!
[PANTING]
Man, we've been
in some crazy lines together.
Remember we pretended
we lost our driver's licenses
just to hit up the DMV?
It took forever.
It's hard to find
a great line these days.
I wish we could go back in time
and stand in some bread lines together.
I'd go through
a Great Depression in a second
to be poor, facing the same direction
on the street with you.
I say that all the time.
I once waited in line
at the grocery store.
I had too many items
for the express checkout,
so I had to stand in another line.
Wow, great story.
We all got to start somewhere.
Thank you, Linus.
You aren't the only ones
who stood in line.
Remember when we were in line
for the Broadway adaptation of Tenet
and that homeless guy
threw a bag of shit at you?
We watched him shit into it
and were like,
"Wonder who's gonna get that bag."
And it was you.
Oh, yeah. I think I have photos of it
on my phone.
Hey, what do you think
of this Linus guy?
Jesse, you still hot and bothered
by Neck Douche?
I can't help it.
I can just picture our life together.
I can't believe you won
this giant bear for me.
It's almost as cute as you are.
Can I have some of that cotton candy?
But you're already the sweetest girl
in the world.
Swoon.
Mwah!
Let's ride the Ferris wheel
and dry-hump at the top until it breaks
- so we have to get rescued.
- Yes, please.
But there's something
I have to ask you first.
Jessica Opposites, I've loved you
since you saw
the back of my head in line.
You're beautiful. You're smart.
You rock the fuck out of a polka-dot.
Would you do me the honor
of marrying me?
You had me at Jessica Opposites.
[BOTH MOANING]
Mmm!
Oh, look,
the Pupa's a giant or something.
I wish you could see
more than the top of his head.
- [ROARING]
- Shit. Is that a fucking Godzilla, too?
I wonder if it's the same one
that came to a book tour last year.
- [CRASHING]
- My God, did you hear that?
The Pupa is in an epic battle
with a Godzilla.
I bet they're stomping cars,
pushing over skyscrapers and shit.
We could be doing that.
Can we please go see what's happening?
You can go,
but you'll lose your spot.
Ugh, I hate not being in line.
- Might as well cut my dick off.
- Right?
Argh! Fine. I'll stay.
I'm loving this hat, T-rex.
It's nothing compared to yours.
Here's a trick of the trade.
You get a cap that covers your neck.
That helps collect your neck sweat.
It's pretty cool, huh?
Such a good call.
My cap only covers my head
like a loser.
You're not a loser.
You're the coolest guy I know.
You're also the coolest guy I know.
You told me I should die in a fire.
I was joking.
All those hot coins I swallowed
for breakfast are not sitting right.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- We don't have butt holes.
I just sit on the seat
and calm down.
Plus, it lets me chew gum.
The way I chew is so disgusting,
I can't in front of people.
Fine. I'll save your spot in line
while you go.
Okay. Who we laughing at?
Did I accidentally quote
a TokTik again?
No, it's just, "save your spot"
is what a line virgin would say.
You're green. Let me explain.
On the professional line circuit,
what Terry needs is called a line check.
If you're cool,
you say it like a quarterback
making an audible.
"Line check! Omaha. Hut-hut, green 8!"
I say "line check"
and the other pros honor it
because we adhere
to an ancient and noble code.
If you don't line check,
you lose your spot.
But worse, your dignity.
All these arbitrary rules
are hard to keep track of.
Isn't it great? Line check!
Hey. Have fun, Terry-Dactyl.
Thanks for the heads-up
on that line check thing.
Listen to me,
you worthless little blue bitch.
Terry is mine. This line is mine.
You are a piece of aardvark shit.
Your behavior is completely different
from a moment ago.
Were you bitten by a spider?
I've stood in hundreds of lines
with Terry.
I'm not gonna let you slime in here
and ruin what we have.
So fuck all the way off.
Wait, wait. You're being two-faced.
I heard humans do that.
I've never seen it.
- Fascinating.
- Leave now or pay the price.
Don't say I didn't warn you, fuckhead.
Uh-oh! Speak of the devil.
Welcome back, Terry-cloth.
You won't guess what happened.
Linus was completely different.
He was very mean
and said lots of insult.
- Before I left, he was nice.
- I know. Linus.
Show Terry your other face.
Get all mean and nasty.
Not sure what you're talking about.
We didn't speak a word.
You stared at the ground like a real
Like, you're so dumb.
You don't have to make stuff up.
Why would I do that?
Maybe you're jealous of my relationship
with Linus.
I have a robe and sweet-ass crystal
that can make me levitate.
I'll never be jealous of some nerd
who jerks off to lines.
You're embarrassing me.
Remember when we waited in that line
to get into the first ever Jimmy Buffett
Buffet and Urgent Care center
and I almost coded out 'cause I ate
that shrimp I'm allergic to?
Oh, my God, so many fat fatties.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- Mmm! Mwah!
[PANTING]
[CHUCKLES]
This line is unstoppable.
Shit, a lake? Oh, my God.
We're getting in the water?
That's genius.
We're going faster than those idiots
standing on the street.
[PANTING]
Hell yeah! Let's steal these bikes.
Sick! [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
[BIKE BELLS RINGING]
Come on, Korvo.
Do squats with us.
We work our muscles
to keep them from atrophying.
He won't understand.
Look at his tiny legs.
They're like matchsticks,
except they'll never be lit.
See, that's that two-faced shit.
It's called wordplay, Mr. Sensitive.
Ohh, I got to take this.
It's my best friend, Jeff.
You would love him.
We met in a wedding line for the valet.
What the fuck is the dealio
with you and Linus?
What, Korvo? He's my line husband.
Like how I have Gerard,
my spin-class husband
and Billy Jr.,
my Sunday afternoon Costco husband.
- Why do you care so much?
- I don't, okay?
He touches your waist a lot.
It's how we keep each other steady
in line.
Did you see that alien do ancient
martial arts on that Godzilla?
I think he's also gonna fight
that giant robot that came into town.
Pupa is fighting a giant lizard
and a robot?
It sounds awesome.
I wish I could see better.
This is so frustrating!
I can't see the robot.
I bet it does all sorts of cool stuff
like Chappie.
How does this not frustrate you?
I don't know. 'Cause I'm smart?
[CHUCKLING] All right. Buh-bye.
Jeff wanted tips on smoking
a fucking rad pork shoulder.
I consider myself
a grill master of sorts.
- What did I miss?
- Hold it. You can't get back in line.
"You can't get back in line."
What are you talking about?
I'm king of this line.
- You didn't call line check.
- I didn't leave.
I stepped five feet away.
That's called leaving.
How do you like those wordplay apples?
Oh, no. I'm sorry, but he's right.
Calling line check is part of the rules.
Without rules,
a line is just people standing around.
You know who said that?
Gandhi, I think, or Kyle Von Titsenburg.
Either way, you're outtie-200, Linus.
Find an easier line to stand in.
Maybe at the park for the baby swing?
You shut your fucking mouth!
You're a line loser!
You should never be allowed
to stand next to a pro like me.
There's the other face.
He really does have two faces.
- I thought that was just on TV.
- Right?
I hope you both get gonorrhea,
go to hell,
and there's no line to get in.
Don't be like this.
After the waiting we've done?
I'm starting a better line.
That's against the ancient codes.
Fuck the codes.
I'm Linus.
- "Line" is in my name.
- [BOTH GASP]
Hey, everyone!
- Is that Linus?
- Linus!
He won the Standee three years in a row.
I see a lot of familiar faces in line,
and if you're a pro,
and not a loser with blue or green skin
and no butthole,
then follow me to a better way to stand,
right over here.
- We better follow.
- He knows what he's doing.
But Come on, guys. The code.
You ruined the greatest line
of my lifetime.
It wasn't my fault. Linus
I can't talk to you right now.
You wanted to share my hobby with me,
and you made it my nightmare.
Dur!
Son of a bitch.
Wow. Business is exhausting.
Whoa, babe,
you look like a million bucks.
I mean, you look like
you make a million
- being a kick-ass businesswoman.
- I am.
The markets went wild.
You know how it is.
Ups and downs, stocks and bonds,
charts and pie.
I made of veal parmesan
without the Veal. Your fave.
Kick off those heels
and enjoy a nice meal.
This looks amazing.
But the only thing I want for dinner
is your hair-mouth
on my mouth-mouth, mister.
- Mmm!
- Mwah!
I cannot believe,
after ten years of marriage,
we still have so much passion.
Now, flip me over
like you flipped that not-veal parmesan
Fingerling me like your potatoes.
Gravy me!
I love it when you mix food and sex,
just like my hero, Ina Garten.
Wait, what are you looking at?
[CHUCKLING]
That hussy. No one steals my man.
How could you,
after all our years of marriage,
after I work all day
to pay for your sailboat?
- She's a friend.
- I can't believe this!
The one thing we promised each other
was that we would never cheat.
You're being crazy.
He's playing you, ho.
He fingers me on the reg.
- I knew it.
- She's lying.
- Don't listen to her.
- I can't live like this.
We're through. I want a divorce!
Terry, talk to me.
You ruined a Cat 5 line.
It's like interrupting the path
of a strong hurricane.
Who'd stop an awesome,
powerful hurricane?
Probably Storm, the X-Men.
She can control the weather.
It would prevent property damage.
You're rubbing it in my face
you're smarter?
- Great. Keep the hits coming.
- Sorry about Linus.
I thought I was respecting line rules
like you taught me.
I guess I am pretty proud of you
for using the rules.
I'm very good at rules.
I cannot believe
Linus created a new line.
That's the worst thing you can do.
We should just leave and go home.
Why? We've been here hours.
I'm starting to like the feeling
of hard sidewalk beneath me.
But we're fucked.
There are now
two legitimate-looking lines.
When employees start letting people in,
they won't know which is real.
The new line is all pros.
Look at the way they stand.
They are standing pretty excellently.
Their posture is impeccable.
We got stuck with a bunch of slouchers.
The store is gonna choose that line.
Look at me.
This is hard for me to say.
I don't like to compliment.
- You're lazy and annoying
- Continue.
But you're the best line-stander
I've ever seen.
You make it look easy.
You could stand here hours
staring straight ahead,
and you'd have the time of your life.
It's being in the zone.
Remember what you loved about lines.
Think back,
before all the gear, magazines,
and lifestyle of lines took over.
Yeah, I loved how peaceful it was.
Exactly, you don't need Linus
or any of those pros.
The line isn't out here.
It's inside you.
Has been all along.
You're right, God damn it!
I can do this.
Hey, Linus, you little nose picker.
It's on like Ping-Pong.
You're going down
like a clown with a frown
who's about to get shot
- ['80
- S MUSIC PLAYING]
What are you doing?
I don't need this.
I'm going back to the basics.
Back to who I was
when I first fell in love with lines.
[LAUGHS] What a sucker.
Who would ever pick your line?
Terry Opposites would.
And now, we dance.
Metaphorically.
Or we lose our place in line.
Duh!
[GRUNTING]
Hell yeah. Mud crawling.
This line is playing.
Ow!
Paint balls?
Ha! I feel like
I'm in the military video games I play
so I can bully humans in their 30s.
- [PANTING]
- [HORN BLOWS]
Congratulations.
You completed a Tough Fadder Run.
It's a violent,
millennial version of a marathon.
So the line is over?
Good work completing
the course today, son.
Oh, my God.
All day, I thought I was in a line,
but really, I was in the best line ever!
It wasn't a line!
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]
[GASPS] Wait a minute.
She was just asking if he had a tampon.
And he carries tampons with him
to be helpful.
Ohh, he's such a great guy.
I'm so sorry.
I never should have doubted you.
I love you. I'll love you forever!
Jesse, I would never betray you.
I like to have some super-sized tampons
on me for emergencies.
Let's adopt up to 28 rescue dogs
and call each other "babe" forever.
Mmm!
Yes, I love you.
No, I love you more.
Fine. You do love me more.
[GASPS]
A Microsoft Zune face tattoo?
Did he do that for a contest?
Ugh, I'm out.
[DISTANT ROARING]
Look, it's the Pupa, Godzilla,
and the giant robot.
But they're not fighting anymore?
Are they kissing?
What is the story over there?
Dude, this giant robot
was just handing out PS5s over there.
I got, like, ten!
Get back here,
tell me how that makes sense!
What's happening there with the Pupa?
Oh, man, I wish I could get a PS5.
Who's giving out PS5s?
We gotta stay strong, defeat Linus.
Of all the days not to be able
to leave a particular area!
They're opening the store. This is it.
I'm nervous.
Which line will they pick?
How's my standing?
I'm engaging my core
and doing a Kegel.
You hot as hell.
Why does Linus look so sure?
Wait a hot minute.
What does he know?
[GASPS] That's the guy who called Linus.
He has an inside man.
What a cheating fuck!
If he's gonna cheat,
we cheat, too.
- I'm using sci-fi.
- No.
I need to get back to line basics.
No gear, no tricks, no sci-fi.
If I'm gonna lose,
I'll lose the old-fashioned way.
You're really showing
a lot of growth.
I'm proud of you
for doing the right thing.
Time for the ultimate focus,
to get into the zone,
become one with the line force.
You've got this. Close your eyes
and think about winning this line.
[ALL STRAINING]
Wait a minute.
They're letting our line in.
I'm winning without cheating.
I beat him with honor.
Indeed you did.
I did it. I can't believe it.
I love being honorable.
I'm gonna have integrity forever.
That's the Terry I've never known.
Argh! I'm gonna get you fuckers back
for this someday.
Oh, and, Terry? You and me, we're done.
Get yourself a line divorce lawyer
because I am headed to the path
of a line separation
that is definitely leading
to a costly line divorce.
Ah, you can really taste
the Supreme branding.
The flavor of being too cool for me.
Ohh, I love a new iPhone.
Paying for a new one every year
really makes me feel
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, these sneakers
Oh, yeah, my feet are gonna cum.
[GROANS]
Terry, I get it now.
Lines are a metaphor
for the human experience.
It's not about the destination,
it's the journey.
You have to believe in yourself
to believe in your line.
I just like being
the first with new stuff.
Got damn it, Terry, that's so stupid!
Why do you like such dumb shit?
I hate to see his face,
but I love to watch that neck walk away.
I was in the coolest line ever.
I got this T-shirt
and this medal that says,
"I finally bested my Tough Fadder."
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I'm the T-shirt guy, hand it over.
I could be the T-shirt guy
if you let me keep one.
Hello, Terry.
This is my new line husband, James.
We're gonna wait
for the midnight release
of the new Dan Brown novel.
It's about how Noah solved murders
at night on his ark.
Two at a time.
Eat shit and die, Linus.
I got all the husband I need right here.
[BURPS]
Pupa, there you are. What happened?
Horseradish!
What? Jesus, his receptive language
is great,
but we need to work
on his expressive.
Glad somebody said it.
We better not be sitting here
in the next episode.
I expect us to be
in a whole other place.
- I think it's kind of
- No, shut up.
No more connecting episodes
or any other streaming bullshit.
If this sentence
connects to the next episode,
I'll be really