Staged (2020) s03e03 Episode Script
Past
- DAVID: Sure.
- MICHAEL: Yep.
DAVID: Coffee, toast, a banana.
MICHAEL: Uh
nothing.
- You should have breakfast.
- Should I?
- I have breakfast.
- Well
But you're providing for a
whole family of tapeworms.
- Why?
-
Just helps with the segue, I think.
Well well, it was all pretty
straightforward, wasn't it?
Yep.
Um, we agreed to do Series 3.
Michael bought a pram.
We filmed Episode 1. Michael
filled his pram with toys.
Uh, we nearly filmed Episode 2,
and Michael threw his
toys out of the pram.
- And now we're here.
- Now we're here.
- Can I have a quick chat with you?
- Sure.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
- MICHAEL: Can we not say that?
- DAVID: What?
About the pram and the toys.
You don't want to talk
about storming off?
I didn't storm off.
- Well, I think you did.
- No.
Um, look, I'm happy to talk about
deciding to do a third series,
happy to talk about
filming two episodes.
I think we have to talk
about the storming off.
Why?
'Cause that's why the
whole thing fell apart.
- It's not the only reason.
- I mean, I think it is.
We didn't want to do it from the start.
- We didn't like the scripts.
- We could have fixed the scripts.
Well, I was tired of fixing
Simon's bullet points on the fly.
Well
I don't care.
Look, it's it was forgivable
when Simon only had days to write it,
but he'd had fuckin' months.
It's not our job to improvise
our way out of bad writing.
I think we still have to
we still have to deal
with the storming off.
Simon left! Because you stormed off.
Right, I don't I don't
want to talk about it, OK?
OK, we won't talk about it.
Look, there is there
is an image out there of me
as an angry person.
No! Yes. Yes, there is.
No. You're you're someone
in touch with your emotions.
Yeah, that's true.
Sometimes it seems like
you're angry at your emotions.
I'm not an angry person.
Maybe it's your diet. This
show makes me an angry person.
You should have
breakfast. I I meditate.
Hmm. I chant.
When things are really
bad, I make model ships.
I know. I've seen
them. They're not good.
Well, you use too much glue. I
want to quell the image, alright?
And
stories about me storming
off the set don't help,
and talking about stories
of me storming off the set
just make me angrier.
You're overreacting. It's fine. Am I?
Yeah. People do not think you're
angry because you stormed off.
No?
No, they think you're angry because
of who you are and the way you act.
You know, you can be really immature
Yeah.
when it comes to
conversational tact.
It's gonna be fine. I
don't want to talk about it.
We won't talk about it. Promise?
It's OK. We won't. Come on. It's OK.
(CHUCKLES)
Fine. Absolutely fine. Yes.
(BOTH CLEAR THROATS)
OK? Sorry for all that.
PRODUCER: Everything OK? Very good.
Ready to go.
Michael's anger management issues.
It it I'm supposed to be in Tokyo.
TY: Right. That's in English.
Yes.
That might be a problem.
Do you think anyone'll notice?
Um, I mean, when you
got it, did you notice?
I didn't know it was in Tokyo
'cause I hadn't read the script.
Right. Well, that's good.
Aren't you in charge
of, like, this stuff?
I mean, Mum just told
me to set the cameras.
I don't know if signs with
Japanese on them is my forte.
We we put cameras everywhere.
Shall I ?
I can show you some. I'll show you some.
We still have them in the, um
Hang on.
(GRUNTS) Yeah.
There's one in here.
There's in there.
Shed, and then trampoline.
I do accept the possibility
that I got a little carried away.
It was a small thing, at first.
A short 'Making Of'
to accompany Series 3.
Georgia was in charge.
We'd done two. Uh, there
was talk of a third.
And we knew we wouldn't do a fourth.
So
I wanted to memorialise it.
PRODUCER: So, you put
cameras everywhere?
Mm. David is unpredictable.
Chaotic, even.
Um, especially with Staged.
He he picks things up
and then he puts them down.
Um, sometimes, he cocoons.
I didn't want to miss anything.
ANNA: When production shut down,
it was decided to make something out
of Georgia's footage, to finish off.
PRODUCER: Were you disappointed?
Well, actually, I don't like who
Michael is when he makes the show.
Who is he?
Yes, I will. I'll get
them down now. Simon?
This whole thing of trying
to pretend it's Christmas
is just getting ridiculous.
It's the middle of bloody summer!
I'm having to put blankets and
my dressing-gown is up
there, it's nailed to the wall,
to try and keep the incredibly
bright summer sunshine out.
Michael is not an angry person.
But when he has to play that character
and spend days with Simon
And let's cut there.
MICHAEL: (SHOUTS) Give me a sign, Lord!
Why do you blight me with this idiot?!
Is it something I've done?!
Is it me?!
It's not me, is it?!
It's not me! It's him!
- PRODUCER: That can't have been easy.
- It never has been. Never has been.
It had its challenges.
PRODUCER: But they agreed
to do a third series.
Why?
Well
DAVID: (ON PHONE) Episode
1 doesn't make any sense.
MICHAEL: (ON PHONE) Why
did he set it at Christmas?
Why am I in Japan?
- Are you going to Japan?
- Not as far as I know, no.
MICHAEL: Did he only send you 1 and 2?
- DAVID: He's only written 1 and 2.
- (MICHAEL SIGHS)
I mean, does he know where he's going?
DAVID: I mean, who the fuck knows?
MICHAEL: (GROWLS) I don't want to do it.
DAVID: I don't want to do it either.
(SIGHS) How can he be busy
and lifeless?
He told Georgia that he
wants to try something new.
Is the second episode a farce?
I mean, plot contrivance has
never been a missing ingredient.
(GROANS) I mean, there's there's
not enough room for us to play.
Exactly! Yes! Where's
all the rat-a-tat-tat?
Yeah, and the, uh,
"Knock-knock! Come on in!"
Yeah. And is there too much Simon?
Jesus There is WAY too much Simon.
- Oh, yes.
- (SIGHS)
Where are you supposed to get
a Christmas tree from in June?
Yeah. Where were you getting a kimono?
- I have a kimono, actually.
- Oh, do you?
It shrunk in the wash, though.
Hmm. Does your katana poke out?
- I don't want to do it.
- No, I don't want to do it either.
(SIGHS) We should tell Anna and Georgia.
Are you phoning from the lavatory?
I only did that once.
There's a certain acoustic.
- I'm in the car.
- Prove it.
I'm not in the toilet!
Sound the horn. My
neighbour has a weak heart.
- Put the radio on.
- Oh, for
- (BLUES GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS)
- There. Happy now.
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- Mm
They've set up cameras inside.
I know. I'm hiding
upstairs, in the loft.
- Yeah? There's no cameras in there?
- Georgia forgot about it.
Ah.
I come out here to read.
Ooh, I can't read in the car.
I can't drive in bookshops.
Didn't they put cameras in the car?
- No, Anna told them not to.
- Ah. Nice.
Nice to have a little privacy.
I don't like strangers
being in my house.
Haven't you got Ty coming over later
to finish installing the cameras?
Yeah, this afternoon.
Oh, I, uh I called Lily, too.
- From the car?
- Yeah, well, the seats are warm.
Uh, how is she?
I try not to give advice.
She did that big film
with Nicolas Cage, right?
Mm!
Is there a word for
jealousy mixed with pride?
- Parenthood.
- Mm.
DAVID: (ON RADIO) a better
interest rate for your mortgage,
or help you repay your current mortgage.
House Proud is the first choice
for expert, impartial advice
When did you do that?
(ON RADIO) So, check us out
Uh Oh.
A couple of weeks ago.
(ON RADIO) No! You
can't borrow my barbecue!
They asked us both.
But, uh, that You said
you didn't want to do it.
No, WE said WE didn't want to do it.
Well I approve of those mortgages.
Do you prefer working on your own?
- No
- Well, then, why did you do it?
I don't like to say no to people.
Hence your professional ubiquity.
It's an act of generosity.
And number of children.
Oh, Georgia's gonna be raging.
She's all set up downstairs
with a camera person.
Well, that is her fault.
You should have told her that
she shouldn't have jumped the gun.
No, I mean, I admire your courage,
saying that from 200 miles away.
- I'm not scared of her.
- You're literally in a getaway car.
Camera men intimidate me.
Well, any technician, actually.
- Really? Why?
- They know things I don't.
I undo screws with a butter
knife, and they can sense it.
- Mm.
- GEORGIA: David?
- Oh.
- Right. You should tell her now.
- What, now?
- Yes.
You tell Georgia, I'll tell Anna.
- Is Anna gonna be angry?
- No!
Then that's not a fair comparison.
Georgia's not a scary person.
Georgia has never once
asked for help opening a jar.
- The longer you leave it
- OK, I'll do it now.
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
He wrote you snarky.
- Simon?
- In Episodes 1 and 2.
Didn't he? He wrote us not getting on.
- We never get on!
- Oh, come on.
We disagree about things
but we always get on.
He wrote you sad.
- Well, we're not doing it.
- Simon writes what he sees.
You tell Georgia. I'll tell Anna.
Promise?
OK. Promise.
Right. Good.
- GEORGIA: All of it?
- Yeah.
(PHONE BUZZES)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, it's Michael.
What has he got to ?
"Has David told you we're
not doing Series 3 yet?"
Oh
Episode 1 doesn't make any sense.
Well, that's ridiculous. Why
has he set it at Christmas?
Because it's a Christmas special.
- Is it?
- What, have you ?
Michael goes to buy a Christmas tree.
Yeah, but he's idiosyncratic.
You're flying home for Christmas.
Oh! Oh, I didn't get that at all.
We finish on A Christmas Carol.
Right. Yeah. No, it makes sense now.
Episode 2 is a farce.
- So?
- It doesn't give us any room to play.
Well, you'll just have to learn
your lines, then, won't you?
Michael doesn't want to do it.
Right, OK.
And wha what about you?
Yeah, I don't want to do it either.
We said we would do it if
it was different and/or good,
and it's neither, so
OK.
Is it OK? Well, can't
make you do it, can I?
Ty?
-
- Stand down.
-
- Not going to Wales.
- Great. Sorry, everyone.
- It's fine.
SIMON:
Ty?
- Yeah.
- You're going to Wales.
David?
You need to come and listen to this.
And this is what you
need to tell Michael.
Usually, you want to
catch any mix-ups early,
otherwise it spirals out of control.
Like a forest fire.
Everything's fine and then you
take your eyes off for a second,
and it's racing between the
trees and scaring squirrels.
I'm not proud of what I did, but
sometimes, it can
help to fan the flames.
Let the squirrels burn.
(COW BELLOWS)
MICHAEL: Anna?
- TY: Michael
- Jesus!
Ty
- When did you ?
- Just now.
Oh, right. You setting up, are you?
Yeah, uh, Mum wanted a few options.
So, got one here,
one behind you,
- and one over there.
- Right.
Well, uh, thanks for coming.
I know it's a bit of a
um, schlep.
It's fine.
Camera men intimidate me.
Well, all technicians, actually.
- They know things I don't.
- Like what?
Uh
Types of screwdriver.
I use a butter knife.
Well, that's a cheese knife.
Can can I ask your advice?
- Sure.
- It's about David.
Uh, Dad your dad. Your David.
- Just Dad.
- Dad.
SIMON: (ON RECORDING)
Michael, just in the car
(STATIC) talking to Josh
He doesn't need you (STATIC)
David He'd be
happy just one of you.
Do you want to do it
without David? My dad?
- I think he might do it without me.
- Why?
- It's what he does.
- When?
Uh, radio adverts for mortgages.
Do you want to be doing
radio adverts for mortgages?
Fuck, no.
Do you want to do Series 3?
Will Dad do it without me?
You know Dad.
Hello. Uh, it's Michael
Sheen here for Josh Drury.
Um, could you give me a
call when you get a minute?
Thanks so much. Bye!
- Feel better?
- No.
- Can I get a cup of tea?
- Yeah.
(KETTLE BUBBLES)
DAVID: Do you really think
they'd do it with just one of us?
GEORGIA: No.
No?
- But
- What?
What if he got sent the same message?
What did Michael's message say?
It said (CLEARS THROAT)
"Has David told you yet
that we are not doing Series 3?"
He's checking WE'RE not doing
it, so he can do it on his own.
- No!
- No?
Although
- What?
- No, you said he didn't want to do it.
- Yeah, but that was before.
- Before what?
Before he found out I
did that mortgage advert.
What, and he got envious?
He thinks I do things without him.
- Well, you DO do things without him.
- So, he wants to do this without me.
Do you really think they'd be
able to do it with just one of you?
- No.
- No.
- Maybe.
- Why would they pick Michael?
He's got a child to feed?
Well, you've got 700 of them.
- His is newer?
- Hmm.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Shit! It's the broadcaster.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Hi, Josh. Hi.
- JOSH: Hi.
Um, you're on with David and I.
- Hello, Josh.
- Hi.
I-I know that we owe you an update.
JOSH: Have you had
the scripts from Simon?
I had a missed call from Michael.
Was he calling to confirm?
- DAVID: Did you call him back?
- He didn't pick up.
- Is there news?
- (PHONE BEEPS)
- What are you doing?
- That's it, that's it. Michael wants
That Michael wants
to do it without me.
But you still don't want to do it.
- I don't want him doing it, either.
- OK, right, just let's calm down.
We'll just take a breather and
we will play it out in your head.
- When has that ever worked out for me?!
- That's an excellent point.
We're calling Michael right
now. Let's do it in the bath.
- Come on.
- OK.
(RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS)
- You OK out here?
- Fine.
I don't know if this is the
best place for solvent glues.
Well, I'm waiting for
the broadcasters to call.
- They haven't phoned back.
- Uh
I missed the call.
- Why?
- I had glue on my hand!
Georgia's on the phone.
Do you know how many adverts
David has done without me?
No. Are you gonna come out of this car?
Not for a bit.
Hi, Georgia.
Do you know how many adverts
your husband has done without me?
GEORGIA: Um no.
Are you planning on doing
a third series without him?
I don't want to do a third series.
DAVID: I don't want to do it either.
Well, I don't believe you!
- Why would I want to do it?
- Because, A
you're pathologically
incapable of saying no.
B: it's the only thing you've
done in years that's any good.
And, C: Georgia doesn't
need you to open jars.
What have jars got to do with it?
MICHAEL: He's afraid
that you'll be angry
when he loses you a
Best Documentary Oscar.
Are you in the car again?
- Are you in the airing cupboard?
- GEORGIA: No.
We're hiding in the shower.
Why did you call the BBC?
How did you hear about that?
DAVID: From Josh.
And why were you talking to Josh?
- Why were YOU talking to Josh?
- That's the question.
That's the question I'm putting to you.
No, that's my question to YOU.
Were you telling him that you
wanted to do Series 3 without me?
I don't want to do it!
I don't believe you.
Episode 1 makes no sense.
DAVID: It's a Christmas special.
- It's June!
- It's June.
Well, it won't be when it goes out.
Well, it won't be when it goes out.
Yeah, well, the second
episode is a farce.
And, yet, you're the one just checking
- that we're not doing Series 3 together?
- Yes.
And that's so that you can
do it on your own? Really?
Is there ? What ? I
mean, what is it, Michael?
Is it envy?
- What do you think I'm envious of?
- Well, me, obviously.
And one tiny little mortgage commercial
- that I dared to do without you.
- One mortgage commercial?!
- Yep.
- ONE mortgage commercial?!
There's no need to be so angry.
Yeah, well, there's
a lot of glue in here.
DAVID: I was me before we were us.
I was me before you were you.
- What's that mean?
- That I'm older.
DAVID: (ON ADVERTISEMENT)
I'm not a coffee person. No
Growing family Annoying neighbour
Do you want to make
your own Easter eggs?
Are you thinking of moving house?
Looking for second-hand pets?
Do your bones need some
In a world where bees are big
Janet and Russell Evans Dental Care.
Smile. It's not that bad.
I approve of all those products.
Well guess what?
- I've had enough.
- DAVID: Enough of what?
- I don't want to do Series 3.
- I don't want to do it either.
And I'm sure as hell not
gonna let YOU do something
- without me in it.
- I am not gonna do it.
I can't take that risk.
What, so, you're gonna do it?
- Yep.
- Well, then, so am I.
- I'm not happy about it.
- I'm furious!
Look forward to collaborating!
Let's make something really special!
Well, it's good to
know we don't need Simon
to bring chaos into our lives.
Georgia can do that, too.
And get the results she needs from it.
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
(GROANS)
I mean I mean
DAVID: I think I have
abandonment issues.
Is this the story about your
summer as a pantomime horse?
I've been abandoned many
times professionally.
Is this the story about your
summer as a pantomime horse?
It always winds up heralding great
good fortune for the abandoner.
Oh, well, that sounds promising.
Billie Piper leaves, goes
on, wins an Olivier Award.
I don't have an Olivier Award.
Olivia Coleman leaves,
goes on, wins an Oscar.
Yeah, that is compelling evidence.
What are you gonna get when you leave?
- A Nobel Prize.
- About time.
I was left in the supermarket
when I was younger.
Well, I've tried to abandon you in
dozens of supermarkets, many times.
- You have.
- PRODUCER: So, you agreed to do Series 3?
Uh, that's right.
That's right.
Well, it got rockier.
PRODUCER: What happened?
Simon left.
- MICHAEL: Yep.
DAVID: Coffee, toast, a banana.
MICHAEL: Uh
nothing.
- You should have breakfast.
- Should I?
- I have breakfast.
- Well
But you're providing for a
whole family of tapeworms.
- Why?
-
Just helps with the segue, I think.
Well well, it was all pretty
straightforward, wasn't it?
Yep.
Um, we agreed to do Series 3.
Michael bought a pram.
We filmed Episode 1. Michael
filled his pram with toys.
Uh, we nearly filmed Episode 2,
and Michael threw his
toys out of the pram.
- And now we're here.
- Now we're here.
- Can I have a quick chat with you?
- Sure.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
- MICHAEL: Can we not say that?
- DAVID: What?
About the pram and the toys.
You don't want to talk
about storming off?
I didn't storm off.
- Well, I think you did.
- No.
Um, look, I'm happy to talk about
deciding to do a third series,
happy to talk about
filming two episodes.
I think we have to talk
about the storming off.
Why?
'Cause that's why the
whole thing fell apart.
- It's not the only reason.
- I mean, I think it is.
We didn't want to do it from the start.
- We didn't like the scripts.
- We could have fixed the scripts.
Well, I was tired of fixing
Simon's bullet points on the fly.
Well
I don't care.
Look, it's it was forgivable
when Simon only had days to write it,
but he'd had fuckin' months.
It's not our job to improvise
our way out of bad writing.
I think we still have to
we still have to deal
with the storming off.
Simon left! Because you stormed off.
Right, I don't I don't
want to talk about it, OK?
OK, we won't talk about it.
Look, there is there
is an image out there of me
as an angry person.
No! Yes. Yes, there is.
No. You're you're someone
in touch with your emotions.
Yeah, that's true.
Sometimes it seems like
you're angry at your emotions.
I'm not an angry person.
Maybe it's your diet. This
show makes me an angry person.
You should have
breakfast. I I meditate.
Hmm. I chant.
When things are really
bad, I make model ships.
I know. I've seen
them. They're not good.
Well, you use too much glue. I
want to quell the image, alright?
And
stories about me storming
off the set don't help,
and talking about stories
of me storming off the set
just make me angrier.
You're overreacting. It's fine. Am I?
Yeah. People do not think you're
angry because you stormed off.
No?
No, they think you're angry because
of who you are and the way you act.
You know, you can be really immature
Yeah.
when it comes to
conversational tact.
It's gonna be fine. I
don't want to talk about it.
We won't talk about it. Promise?
It's OK. We won't. Come on. It's OK.
(CHUCKLES)
Fine. Absolutely fine. Yes.
(BOTH CLEAR THROATS)
OK? Sorry for all that.
PRODUCER: Everything OK? Very good.
Ready to go.
Michael's anger management issues.
It it I'm supposed to be in Tokyo.
TY: Right. That's in English.
Yes.
That might be a problem.
Do you think anyone'll notice?
Um, I mean, when you
got it, did you notice?
I didn't know it was in Tokyo
'cause I hadn't read the script.
Right. Well, that's good.
Aren't you in charge
of, like, this stuff?
I mean, Mum just told
me to set the cameras.
I don't know if signs with
Japanese on them is my forte.
We we put cameras everywhere.
Shall I ?
I can show you some. I'll show you some.
We still have them in the, um
Hang on.
(GRUNTS) Yeah.
There's one in here.
There's in there.
Shed, and then trampoline.
I do accept the possibility
that I got a little carried away.
It was a small thing, at first.
A short 'Making Of'
to accompany Series 3.
Georgia was in charge.
We'd done two. Uh, there
was talk of a third.
And we knew we wouldn't do a fourth.
So
I wanted to memorialise it.
PRODUCER: So, you put
cameras everywhere?
Mm. David is unpredictable.
Chaotic, even.
Um, especially with Staged.
He he picks things up
and then he puts them down.
Um, sometimes, he cocoons.
I didn't want to miss anything.
ANNA: When production shut down,
it was decided to make something out
of Georgia's footage, to finish off.
PRODUCER: Were you disappointed?
Well, actually, I don't like who
Michael is when he makes the show.
Who is he?
Yes, I will. I'll get
them down now. Simon?
This whole thing of trying
to pretend it's Christmas
is just getting ridiculous.
It's the middle of bloody summer!
I'm having to put blankets and
my dressing-gown is up
there, it's nailed to the wall,
to try and keep the incredibly
bright summer sunshine out.
Michael is not an angry person.
But when he has to play that character
and spend days with Simon
And let's cut there.
MICHAEL: (SHOUTS) Give me a sign, Lord!
Why do you blight me with this idiot?!
Is it something I've done?!
Is it me?!
It's not me, is it?!
It's not me! It's him!
- PRODUCER: That can't have been easy.
- It never has been. Never has been.
It had its challenges.
PRODUCER: But they agreed
to do a third series.
Why?
Well
DAVID: (ON PHONE) Episode
1 doesn't make any sense.
MICHAEL: (ON PHONE) Why
did he set it at Christmas?
Why am I in Japan?
- Are you going to Japan?
- Not as far as I know, no.
MICHAEL: Did he only send you 1 and 2?
- DAVID: He's only written 1 and 2.
- (MICHAEL SIGHS)
I mean, does he know where he's going?
DAVID: I mean, who the fuck knows?
MICHAEL: (GROWLS) I don't want to do it.
DAVID: I don't want to do it either.
(SIGHS) How can he be busy
and lifeless?
He told Georgia that he
wants to try something new.
Is the second episode a farce?
I mean, plot contrivance has
never been a missing ingredient.
(GROANS) I mean, there's there's
not enough room for us to play.
Exactly! Yes! Where's
all the rat-a-tat-tat?
Yeah, and the, uh,
"Knock-knock! Come on in!"
Yeah. And is there too much Simon?
Jesus There is WAY too much Simon.
- Oh, yes.
- (SIGHS)
Where are you supposed to get
a Christmas tree from in June?
Yeah. Where were you getting a kimono?
- I have a kimono, actually.
- Oh, do you?
It shrunk in the wash, though.
Hmm. Does your katana poke out?
- I don't want to do it.
- No, I don't want to do it either.
(SIGHS) We should tell Anna and Georgia.
Are you phoning from the lavatory?
I only did that once.
There's a certain acoustic.
- I'm in the car.
- Prove it.
I'm not in the toilet!
Sound the horn. My
neighbour has a weak heart.
- Put the radio on.
- Oh, for
- (BLUES GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS)
- There. Happy now.
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- Mm
They've set up cameras inside.
I know. I'm hiding
upstairs, in the loft.
- Yeah? There's no cameras in there?
- Georgia forgot about it.
Ah.
I come out here to read.
Ooh, I can't read in the car.
I can't drive in bookshops.
Didn't they put cameras in the car?
- No, Anna told them not to.
- Ah. Nice.
Nice to have a little privacy.
I don't like strangers
being in my house.
Haven't you got Ty coming over later
to finish installing the cameras?
Yeah, this afternoon.
Oh, I, uh I called Lily, too.
- From the car?
- Yeah, well, the seats are warm.
Uh, how is she?
I try not to give advice.
She did that big film
with Nicolas Cage, right?
Mm!
Is there a word for
jealousy mixed with pride?
- Parenthood.
- Mm.
DAVID: (ON RADIO) a better
interest rate for your mortgage,
or help you repay your current mortgage.
House Proud is the first choice
for expert, impartial advice
When did you do that?
(ON RADIO) So, check us out
Uh Oh.
A couple of weeks ago.
(ON RADIO) No! You
can't borrow my barbecue!
They asked us both.
But, uh, that You said
you didn't want to do it.
No, WE said WE didn't want to do it.
Well I approve of those mortgages.
Do you prefer working on your own?
- No
- Well, then, why did you do it?
I don't like to say no to people.
Hence your professional ubiquity.
It's an act of generosity.
And number of children.
Oh, Georgia's gonna be raging.
She's all set up downstairs
with a camera person.
Well, that is her fault.
You should have told her that
she shouldn't have jumped the gun.
No, I mean, I admire your courage,
saying that from 200 miles away.
- I'm not scared of her.
- You're literally in a getaway car.
Camera men intimidate me.
Well, any technician, actually.
- Really? Why?
- They know things I don't.
I undo screws with a butter
knife, and they can sense it.
- Mm.
- GEORGIA: David?
- Oh.
- Right. You should tell her now.
- What, now?
- Yes.
You tell Georgia, I'll tell Anna.
- Is Anna gonna be angry?
- No!
Then that's not a fair comparison.
Georgia's not a scary person.
Georgia has never once
asked for help opening a jar.
- The longer you leave it
- OK, I'll do it now.
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
He wrote you snarky.
- Simon?
- In Episodes 1 and 2.
Didn't he? He wrote us not getting on.
- We never get on!
- Oh, come on.
We disagree about things
but we always get on.
He wrote you sad.
- Well, we're not doing it.
- Simon writes what he sees.
You tell Georgia. I'll tell Anna.
Promise?
OK. Promise.
Right. Good.
- GEORGIA: All of it?
- Yeah.
(PHONE BUZZES)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, it's Michael.
What has he got to ?
"Has David told you we're
not doing Series 3 yet?"
Oh
Episode 1 doesn't make any sense.
Well, that's ridiculous. Why
has he set it at Christmas?
Because it's a Christmas special.
- Is it?
- What, have you ?
Michael goes to buy a Christmas tree.
Yeah, but he's idiosyncratic.
You're flying home for Christmas.
Oh! Oh, I didn't get that at all.
We finish on A Christmas Carol.
Right. Yeah. No, it makes sense now.
Episode 2 is a farce.
- So?
- It doesn't give us any room to play.
Well, you'll just have to learn
your lines, then, won't you?
Michael doesn't want to do it.
Right, OK.
And wha what about you?
Yeah, I don't want to do it either.
We said we would do it if
it was different and/or good,
and it's neither, so
OK.
Is it OK? Well, can't
make you do it, can I?
Ty?
-
- Stand down.
-
- Not going to Wales.
- Great. Sorry, everyone.
- It's fine.
SIMON:
Ty?
- Yeah.
- You're going to Wales.
David?
You need to come and listen to this.
And this is what you
need to tell Michael.
Usually, you want to
catch any mix-ups early,
otherwise it spirals out of control.
Like a forest fire.
Everything's fine and then you
take your eyes off for a second,
and it's racing between the
trees and scaring squirrels.
I'm not proud of what I did, but
sometimes, it can
help to fan the flames.
Let the squirrels burn.
(COW BELLOWS)
MICHAEL: Anna?
- TY: Michael
- Jesus!
Ty
- When did you ?
- Just now.
Oh, right. You setting up, are you?
Yeah, uh, Mum wanted a few options.
So, got one here,
one behind you,
- and one over there.
- Right.
Well, uh, thanks for coming.
I know it's a bit of a
um, schlep.
It's fine.
Camera men intimidate me.
Well, all technicians, actually.
- They know things I don't.
- Like what?
Uh
Types of screwdriver.
I use a butter knife.
Well, that's a cheese knife.
Can can I ask your advice?
- Sure.
- It's about David.
Uh, Dad your dad. Your David.
- Just Dad.
- Dad.
SIMON: (ON RECORDING)
Michael, just in the car
(STATIC) talking to Josh
He doesn't need you (STATIC)
David He'd be
happy just one of you.
Do you want to do it
without David? My dad?
- I think he might do it without me.
- Why?
- It's what he does.
- When?
Uh, radio adverts for mortgages.
Do you want to be doing
radio adverts for mortgages?
Fuck, no.
Do you want to do Series 3?
Will Dad do it without me?
You know Dad.
Hello. Uh, it's Michael
Sheen here for Josh Drury.
Um, could you give me a
call when you get a minute?
Thanks so much. Bye!
- Feel better?
- No.
- Can I get a cup of tea?
- Yeah.
(KETTLE BUBBLES)
DAVID: Do you really think
they'd do it with just one of us?
GEORGIA: No.
No?
- But
- What?
What if he got sent the same message?
What did Michael's message say?
It said (CLEARS THROAT)
"Has David told you yet
that we are not doing Series 3?"
He's checking WE'RE not doing
it, so he can do it on his own.
- No!
- No?
Although
- What?
- No, you said he didn't want to do it.
- Yeah, but that was before.
- Before what?
Before he found out I
did that mortgage advert.
What, and he got envious?
He thinks I do things without him.
- Well, you DO do things without him.
- So, he wants to do this without me.
Do you really think they'd be
able to do it with just one of you?
- No.
- No.
- Maybe.
- Why would they pick Michael?
He's got a child to feed?
Well, you've got 700 of them.
- His is newer?
- Hmm.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Shit! It's the broadcaster.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Hi, Josh. Hi.
- JOSH: Hi.
Um, you're on with David and I.
- Hello, Josh.
- Hi.
I-I know that we owe you an update.
JOSH: Have you had
the scripts from Simon?
I had a missed call from Michael.
Was he calling to confirm?
- DAVID: Did you call him back?
- He didn't pick up.
- Is there news?
- (PHONE BEEPS)
- What are you doing?
- That's it, that's it. Michael wants
That Michael wants
to do it without me.
But you still don't want to do it.
- I don't want him doing it, either.
- OK, right, just let's calm down.
We'll just take a breather and
we will play it out in your head.
- When has that ever worked out for me?!
- That's an excellent point.
We're calling Michael right
now. Let's do it in the bath.
- Come on.
- OK.
(RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS)
- You OK out here?
- Fine.
I don't know if this is the
best place for solvent glues.
Well, I'm waiting for
the broadcasters to call.
- They haven't phoned back.
- Uh
I missed the call.
- Why?
- I had glue on my hand!
Georgia's on the phone.
Do you know how many adverts
David has done without me?
No. Are you gonna come out of this car?
Not for a bit.
Hi, Georgia.
Do you know how many adverts
your husband has done without me?
GEORGIA: Um no.
Are you planning on doing
a third series without him?
I don't want to do a third series.
DAVID: I don't want to do it either.
Well, I don't believe you!
- Why would I want to do it?
- Because, A
you're pathologically
incapable of saying no.
B: it's the only thing you've
done in years that's any good.
And, C: Georgia doesn't
need you to open jars.
What have jars got to do with it?
MICHAEL: He's afraid
that you'll be angry
when he loses you a
Best Documentary Oscar.
Are you in the car again?
- Are you in the airing cupboard?
- GEORGIA: No.
We're hiding in the shower.
Why did you call the BBC?
How did you hear about that?
DAVID: From Josh.
And why were you talking to Josh?
- Why were YOU talking to Josh?
- That's the question.
That's the question I'm putting to you.
No, that's my question to YOU.
Were you telling him that you
wanted to do Series 3 without me?
I don't want to do it!
I don't believe you.
Episode 1 makes no sense.
DAVID: It's a Christmas special.
- It's June!
- It's June.
Well, it won't be when it goes out.
Well, it won't be when it goes out.
Yeah, well, the second
episode is a farce.
And, yet, you're the one just checking
- that we're not doing Series 3 together?
- Yes.
And that's so that you can
do it on your own? Really?
Is there ? What ? I
mean, what is it, Michael?
Is it envy?
- What do you think I'm envious of?
- Well, me, obviously.
And one tiny little mortgage commercial
- that I dared to do without you.
- One mortgage commercial?!
- Yep.
- ONE mortgage commercial?!
There's no need to be so angry.
Yeah, well, there's
a lot of glue in here.
DAVID: I was me before we were us.
I was me before you were you.
- What's that mean?
- That I'm older.
DAVID: (ON ADVERTISEMENT)
I'm not a coffee person. No
Growing family Annoying neighbour
Do you want to make
your own Easter eggs?
Are you thinking of moving house?
Looking for second-hand pets?
Do your bones need some
In a world where bees are big
Janet and Russell Evans Dental Care.
Smile. It's not that bad.
I approve of all those products.
Well guess what?
- I've had enough.
- DAVID: Enough of what?
- I don't want to do Series 3.
- I don't want to do it either.
And I'm sure as hell not
gonna let YOU do something
- without me in it.
- I am not gonna do it.
I can't take that risk.
What, so, you're gonna do it?
- Yep.
- Well, then, so am I.
- I'm not happy about it.
- I'm furious!
Look forward to collaborating!
Let's make something really special!
Well, it's good to
know we don't need Simon
to bring chaos into our lives.
Georgia can do that, too.
And get the results she needs from it.
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
(GROANS)
I mean I mean
DAVID: I think I have
abandonment issues.
Is this the story about your
summer as a pantomime horse?
I've been abandoned many
times professionally.
Is this the story about your
summer as a pantomime horse?
It always winds up heralding great
good fortune for the abandoner.
Oh, well, that sounds promising.
Billie Piper leaves, goes
on, wins an Olivier Award.
I don't have an Olivier Award.
Olivia Coleman leaves,
goes on, wins an Oscar.
Yeah, that is compelling evidence.
What are you gonna get when you leave?
- A Nobel Prize.
- About time.
I was left in the supermarket
when I was younger.
Well, I've tried to abandon you in
dozens of supermarkets, many times.
- You have.
- PRODUCER: So, you agreed to do Series 3?
Uh, that's right.
That's right.
Well, it got rockier.
PRODUCER: What happened?
Simon left.