Stan Against Evil (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

1 La la la la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la-a la-a la [Rumbling, creature growling.]
Holy sh [Creature growling.]
[All screaming.]
Aaaah! Aah! [Growling.]
All right, Lenny.
Move it along.
What's the charge? Disturbing the peace.
Peace? You call this peace?! It's hypnosis! These people aren't alive! They've been bought off with toaster ovens and push-button phones! Go home to your wife, Lenny.
All right.
Can you help me down? I-I tweaked my back the other day.
- Oh, no.
- Aah! - You okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
Thank You're very sweet.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Very sweet.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
- [Growls.]
- Ha-ha-ha ha.
I'm gonna go get some soup.
[Growls.]
All right.
I'll bite.
Oh, that is Leonard Walinsky, the town gorilla.
- Say what, now? - Leonard Walinsky was the number-one birthday-party gorilla in New Hampshire booked out years in advance.
So, what happened? One year, little Sally O'Brien nice girl, but she didn't want a gorilla at her birthday party.
She wanted a princess.
Everyone thought she was crazy, but she went ahead with it.
The party was a smash, and then everybody wanted a princess.
And that? That was the end of Leonard Walinsky.
It's a pretty sad story.
I'm surprised you haven't heard it by now.
I don't know.
I bet every town's got a gorilla, and every gorilla has the same story.
Tucker Fong's Curiosity Pagoda? What happened to the erotic bakery? Caligula's Fist? Ooh, they closed.
Aww.
I loved their sticky buns.
Let's check this out.
[Door bell jingles.]
[Door closes, bell jingles.]
[Eerie music plays.]
[Sniffs.]
Oh, man.
This is so cool.
I should get this for Grace.
[Shouts.]
You You must be Tucker.
Uh, how h-how much is, uh, is that? Is gift? For my daughter.
H-Her birthday is Sunday.
No, no.
This not for your daughter.
This for your friend.
Uh, f-for my friend? Angry man.
Always yelling.
Oh! How do you know Stan? Stan! Yes, Stan! Stan Miller! - Yeah.
- This for him.
- [Giggles.]
- Huh.
[Radio crackles.]
I find something else for your daughter.
I come back.
Yep, it's Lenny.
He's in front of the post office yelling about getting the band back together.
Well, nothing illegal about that.
He's also having sex with a mailbox.
Let's roll.
Isn't this a job for the feds? [Ominous music plays.]
[Door closes, bell jingles.]
So, let me get this straight.
In your America, a fake gorilla and a mailbox can't get together.
Good to know! Good to know! Man: Sheriff! Help! - Ohh! - Help! No, no, no, no.
- Help! - What are you doing here? Our daughter's birthday's on Sunday.
Yeah, that's why you're taking her to see her grandparents next weekend.
Right, which now I can't.
- Great.
- Don't.
Don't.
- Listen.
- Mm-hmm? [Whispering.]
I'm in love.
Ohh.
Congratulations! - Thank you.
- Okay, well No, I'm not There's not a hug happening.
She's in this band called The Indigo Girls, and I'm following them around this summer.
Wh Did you at least get her a gift? - We technically haven't met.
- Your daughter! - Did I get her a gift?! - Yeah! - W My God.
- You did?! - Yes.
Now - What'd ya get her? Okay, imagine the look on our daughter's face when I hand her the keys to her very own storage unit.
It's in Maine.
And they say you're not supposed to live there, but those people never check, so - She's 11.
Well, you know - I'm not good at this! All right.
You see that little gift shop? The shopkeeper is in the middle of picking something real nice out for her.
You go, get it.
Take the credit.
It's fine.
Where you staying? Well, the easiest thing would be just to - No.
Don't.
No wrestling.
- Please.
I love you! Stan: "Kumbhakarna.
" "Kum bha" [Doorbell rings.]
[Pen drops.]
Dude! I'm not home.
[Door closes.]
[Laughs.]
You got me.
Oh, man.
[Laughs.]
Hey.
L-L-Listen there there, Kenny.
A-After that whole thing in the bar Wait, wait.
Before you say anything else I've come to make amends.
- You got sober? - No.
But there's a new thing called Drunk Sobriety.
It's It's like being sober, but you can still drink.
I'm listening.
- Ah! - That ain't all bad.
[Slurring.]
Oh! I got you something.
I almost forgot.
Huh.
Come he-r-r-r-re.
This is for you.
What in the hell is that? I made this for you.
I'm not gonna lie.
With these hands.
[Whispering.]
I have a porcelain tree.
[Whispering.]
What the hell is it? - What is this? - I don't want it.
- Really? - Eh.
C-Can I have it? Yeah, think, uh Think of it as my gift to you.
[Claps hands.]
[Voice breaking.]
Ohh.
Stan.
I know.
I know.
Well, like I said [Clears throat.]
I just I just dropped by to say hello.
Oh.
I-I don't I don't want to impose or anything.
No, you c Oh, for the love of God.
Oh, n [Sleepily.]
Don't shave my head and paint me.
Don't Don't shave my head and paint me.
[Creatures growling on TV.]
Japanese official: Soon they will destroy Tokyo! Cheryl: Like you destroyed us? Really, Cheryl? Now? [Creature growling, people screaming.]
Dad, why is there a man in my bed? Oh, yeah, that's, uh that's Evie's ex-husband.
Why is he covered in cobwebs? I beg your pardon? What in the hell? [Doorbell rings.]
Like Grand Central Station in this dump.
[Whimpers.]
[Eerie music playing.]
- Where is Stan? - Where is Stan? What? - Where is Stan? - Where is Stan? [Softly.]
I'm Stan! - Then who has the relic? - Then who has the relic? - Whee! - Whee! Kenny: Anybody know what's going on here? - The relic was for you.
- The relic was for you.
Yeah, well, I didn't want it.
What's with all the cobwebs? - They're not cobs.
- They're not cobs.
- Catty-pilly silkies.
- Catty-pilly silkies.
- He's transforming.
- He's transforming.
[Ominous music plays.]
Anyway, your ex-husband's here uninvited again, and he's turning into a caterpillar.
No, that's it.
Hasta luego.
[Receiver hangs up.]
I'm going out.
When I return, I assume I will have my room back.
- Where ya goin'? - I am taking these downtown to the miniature Willard's Mill display.
- Who's doing that? - Chamber of Commerce.
They want the town to be known for something other than, you know, people being burned alive.
Oh, I see, so being burned alive's not good enough for 'em, huh? Everybody liked it fine back in my day! Twins: Ken says you may leave, but leave now.
- [Sternly.]
You stay.
- Eww.
Kenny: Bibi! Fifi! I need you! - Whee! - Whee! I got here as fast as I could.
Kenny: Evie, is that you?! Come in here! [Evie groans.]
Hahh Evie: What did you do?! Why do you always assume it's something I did? - You're upsetting him! - You're upsetting him! Easy, girls.
It's okay.
It's okay.
[Chuckles.]
You must love this.
They are adorable, aren't they? They'll do anything I say.
Watch this.
And wrestle! No, no, no.
No, no, no, it's okay.
We don't need to see them wrestle.
I'm a big wrestling guy.
Twins: He who possesses the relic will transform into a caterpillar.
But it was not for Ken.
It was for Stan.
Evie: That's right! - The shopkeeper wanted you to have it.
- Oh.
And then Stan would transform and ingest you! - Ew.
- Twins: Pfft! Okay, so the shopkeeper is a demon sent by Eccles? [Twins chuckling.]
Oh.
What happens next? Well, I'll tell you what happens next.
I eat Stan, and then you and I merge as one.
Evie, together we are gonna make a gorgeous moth.
No, Kenny.
Together we are not going to make a gorgeous moth.
Evie, you are gonna love it in my cocoon.
Well, Kenny, I'm not getting in your cocoon.
[Chuckles.]
You're already in my cocoon.
This whole house is my cocoon! - [Laughs evilly.]
- [Twins giggling.]
[Laughing evilly, screeching.]
[Twins squeaking.]
Oh-ho-ho! Cocoon! Stan, the windows.
This whole house is my cocoon! Oh, run if you want! You're in my cocoon! - You can never escape! - You can never escape! Yeah, sure thing, gals.
- Whee! - Whee! Evie, let's go.
We should change that to "You can escape, but only if you want to!" Well, I guess we should tell him.
[Door closes.]
Or not.
- I don't really feel like it.
- Yeah, I'm not into it.
[Bell jingles.]
Here we go.
[Door closes, bell jingles.]
- Where is he? - Where is who? The other shopkeeper.
There is no other shopkeeper.
Yeah, the guy in the silk robe with the long, white beard.
Oh, that's our sister store, Tired Asian Stereotypes.
It's just down the block.
Wow! What?! What did he try to do, sell you a gremlin? - Okay.
I beg your pardon? - Well, Evie, he's got a point.
You Same old Japanese guy from those Kung Fu movies, huh? - Kung fu is Chinese.
- Eh, same thing.
- It really isn't.
- No, it's not.
Ah, d I know that! Just tryin' to make him lose his cool so that he'll reveal whether or not he's a demon.
Ohh! - I'm not a demon.
- Oh, yeah, huh? Only one way to figure out whether you're a demon or not, 'cause a demon would never let me do this.
Well, he ain't a demon.
That's for damn sure.
Would you like to press charges against Mr.
Miller? Yes, I would.
Evie: Eh.
Okay.
So he's not a demon, but we know now that there was one.
If the answer's not in there, it's gotta be in Claire's library, right? Let's go.
Hold on! I need to file a report.
Ah, no, no, Leon, you don't need to file a report.
This gentleman has done absolutely nothing wrong.
I know that! He's filing a report against you! Well, if he's willing to apologize, I'll forget the whole thing.
- Why should I apologize? - Fair enough.
I'll be the bigger man and just walk away.
So, what happened to the erotic bakery? [ "My Thoughts Get Caught In My Mouth" plays.]
There's a radio inside of me It wants to play a song if I can think of one I find I have so much to say And music starts to play But words there come none Because my thoughts get caught in my mouth My thoughts get caught in my mouth I can swallow them back down But they'll only turn around when I'm thinking of you 'Cause when I'm thinking of you My thoughts get caught In my m-o-o-outh [Screeching.]
In my m-o-o-outh [Creatures screeching.]
[All screaming.]
[Engine shuts off.]
Ohh Okay.
I'm gonna go straight for Claire's library.
You just buy me as much time as you can.
Got it.
Ugh.
Fifi: So I said, "You have got to get insurance.
" Bibi: Oh, I know.
Okay.
Four kids, a cat, and a skateboard? - Hello? - He's too old for skateboarding.
[Laughs.]
Try telling him that.
Twins: Hiii Mary-Kate, Ashley.
Twins: Ken is no longer here.
Evie: Stan! He's not here.
I just talked to Leon.
We gotta get back downtown.
Hi, guys Ken has achieved perfection and left the cocoon.
Is there a way to break the curse, uh, without hurting Ken? All his power is held in the relic.
Destroy the relic, and you end the curse.
Ohh! Fantastic! Where's the relic? He ate it.
Nothing was ever easy with him.
[People screaming, siren wailing.]
- Woman: Run! - Man: Here! Take my hand! Man: Keep moving! This way! This way! [People screaming, siren wailing.]
Oh, good God! Miniature Willard's Mill! Ken, no! [People screaming.]
We've got to figure out how to get that relic out! Ah, you could hold him down, and I could cut open his stomach.
- That's your solution to everything.
- Yeah.
No, we need What's that stuff that makes you throw up? - That guy on Bravo? - No! The liquid! [Snaps fingers.]
Ipecac! We need a lot of that.
Oh, I have two Super Soakers full of spoilt milk in my car.
- I'll go get 'em.
- Make it quick! It won't be long before all of miniature Willard's Mill is destroyed! [Screeching.]
[All screaming.]
Look sharp! Okay, try to get as much liquid in his mouth as you can.
[Screeching.]
Ready aim fire! [Growling.]
Lenny! No! [Growling.]
[Screeching.]
Evie: Ugh.
I've seen Kenny when he's like this.
Well, not like this.
Panicked male: We got to evacuate the city! Whose shoes are these?! [Growling and screeching.]
Stan: Oof! [Car horn honking.]
Panicked female: I can't find my harmonica! Damn it! I can't get a clear shot! Young shopkeeper: Nature finds a balance.
Let them fight.
[Glass shatters.]
Ohh! Panicked male: This is like a nightmare.
- Honey, let's go.
- Is it dead?! Let's just go to the park! Leon: The kids worked so hard on that! Ohh.
[Snarling.]
Evie: Why is he afraid of the cross? Wait! Now he's afraid of the cross? Panicked male: What's going on? I want chicken! Ohh.
[Growling.]
[Squish.]
Aaah! [Growls.]
No! Aah! What am I doing? [Whimpering.]
This isn't what I wanted my life to be about.
I'm comin' home, Margaret.
- [Growls.]
- Aah.
Yes! [Stomach growling.]
[Wheezing.]
Kenny: Aaaaah! - Yeah! Yes! - Yes! [Laughs.]
Yes! [Kenny groaning.]
- Kenny.
- Ugh.
Yeah? Ugh.
No hard feelings? Of course not.
Pretty good battle.
Good fighter.
- Ohh! - What day is it? Saturday.
I didn't miss Grace's birthday party! No.
It's tomorrow.
Hey! You wouldn't want to keep that suit one more day, would ya? Yeah, it seems we got a, uh, little girl with a birthday party! Lenny: Birthday party? I'll do it! La la la la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la La la la la la la Lenny: Who are we waving at? La la la la la la - La la la La la la la la la La-la-la Panicked female: I can't find my harmonica!