Stath Lets Flats (2018) s03e03 Episode Script

Get the heck out my life, stranger!
Katia, I'm driving.
Are you going for lunch,
and if so, can I come with you?
Are you on a date?
Oh, no, not that.
Course it wasn't a date!
What was he thinking?
We're done.
And can I ask how you came
to have met each other?
Kurt, if you want to answer
that question.
Yeah, erm, well, we studied
psychology together at uni.
Ah, right.
Graduated last month. So, yeah.
Right. Living together.
Just you know. Yeah.
Yeah, well, if you can call it
living, with these two zombies.
Ah-AHH! Ha ha ha, Harrison!
LIGHT CHUCKLING
You said something to them.
Did you hear what he said?
Whoa, careful!
My knees!
It's the craziest room
in the worldCup final.
1998!
I should have explained,
I should have explained,
I'm going out tonight
with my friends
so I'm just getting into
the mood of talking to men.
OHHH!
None of you said "oh" to it. Ow!
Cos I'm actually single freedom,
to be honest.
CHANTS: I'm alone. I'm alone.
I'm alone, I'm alone I'm alone.
You guys don't even need the kitchen
so much
because you're gonna be getting
Three two one.
SOFTLY SHOUTS: Take away pizza!
LAUGHTER
Yeah, yeah!We're boys, yeah.
It may look like a two-bed flat
but there are three beds,
SINGSONG: cos this long chair
has a bed inside.
It's literally just a click-in bed
that you just click out
at the click of a
at the click of a bed.
Oh, that's perfect, actually.
Wow, nice one.
Ahhh, that's the stuff.
Er FYI, we're actually looking
for a two-bed.
Yeah, cos we're together, so
Oh, you're together!
My Dad's actually with
Do you know Steven?
I know A Steven.
That's him!
MUSIC: Oui by Jeremih
She will poo
seconds after eating.
She's got a gullet like a gun!
Haven't you?
Yeah, yeah, and when you wash her
and her hair gets wet, you know,
she does look well different, OK?
But don't panic,
you just gotta take deep breaths
and say, "It's still her."
That's what I do. Do you?
GURGLING
Right, I'm off.
I know the things. I did everything
when you're born.
Touch your poo,
scratch you to sleep.
Yeah, you did!
What you doing with my
sweetybabygirly tonight,
my Daddy? We're celebrating
Steven's birthday.
We're having a dinner
where we quietly bite the food.
Omelette with big rice!
Oh, happy birthday, Steven.
AL SNEEZES
Ohhh, boy!
Dina, look at these fellas!
Daddy's goin' out on the push,
goin' out on the push
BOTH: Doh!
THEY CHORTLE
OK, boys, your mission
OK, boys. Your mission. Yes.
One, crawl to the pubs.
Two, be mates.
And three, answer me this
for damn sake.
Do you wanna kiss da girls
and a-make dem cry-y? ♪
Mama mama!
Honestly, yeah, I'm looking forward
to some laddish convos.
You know, snog, snogging
I mean, why, why, wwwhy not?
Blerdy Gerdy! Snog-dog or what
with this one, innit?
Snog Dog? That best have kept moving
out my life when it left your mouth.
DOOR BINGS
SULTRY GUITAR AND KEYS
OK, Sophie, get what you need
and then let's go,
I'm already twerking.
And I am, too.
What do you need?
I don't know really, yeah.
Katia just wanted Stath
to see her look so sexy.
Come on, chica!
What's going on, Katia?
How you doing? You OK?
Me and Sophie are going to club
to get krunk up.
Girls' night, no diggy-doubt.
Are you OK?
Nice look, you got nice look.
Oh, no! It's Al.
No worries.
Heard you're going to the club,
erm, yeah, hope you blitz it up.
I don't if I actually like
to blitz things up.
I think I just like to tell
a joke on the sofa.
Er, what is that?
Trousers or long water?
Ugh. Sophie, let's go.
Are you having a mad one tonight,
Carole?
Oh, erm, yeah,
I'm having a night in
with my sister, Kris.
We're doing a girls' one too.
Do you want to come?
We could be girls together,
and we could watch each other
flirt with some people.
Pff! Sorry, I shouldn't laugh.
Kris manages a Zara, so I don't
think you'll be up to the chat.
Mother!
You just got invited out by Dina's
funniest auntie in the world, man.
'Ave a laugh!
You should go!
Be flirty party. Innit.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna end up going
if you keep saying I should go.
CHUCKLES
Well, if you keep twisting
my arm. All right, yeah, OK!
I'll go for a boogie,
I'll just text, erm, Kris,
tell her I'm going out.
Where we going?
Vodka Demons.
Oh, my God
All right, listen, let's go,
I wanna be in bed by eight.
It's 8:15
MUSIC: Buck Rogers By Feeder
He's got a brand new car
It's got a CD player
Player player player
player player player
But I don't wanna talk about it
any more. ♪
I'm not sharing one pint.
Yeah, share and share your life,
innit? Between all of us.
We'll just have sips of it, innit?
Sips! Sips! Sips!
Sips! Sips! Sips!
Absolute devastation. I'm getting
this, just get whatever. No, no,
I'm getting them, I'm getting them.
You're right.
How many pints do you want, then?
One! Each?
Yes! Well, that makes sense to me.
All right. I didn't know what you
wanted exactly.
Thank you so, so much
for this, Stath. It means the world,
I can't believe it,
I'm never gonna forget it.
Look at that.
This guy. It's like he comes from
the mountains or something,
with his words. No
Come on.
All right. So, shall we do this,
the cheers?
OK, so how does it work?
We touch the glass on each other
like, "Cheers."
That's all right, innit?
He should know, spends enough
bloody time here! Ha ha ha!
Er, to a night from heaven.
To a night
Oh.
You should have told me not
to do that, man.
Oi!
This is the first time we get
naughty on the streets together,
and you invite the king bitch? Shh!
Stath said she's lonely.
No, what you've done
is you've emotionally assaulted me,
OK?
No, you don't beg me
for a night in
and then think I won't track
your phone when you pull out.
Carbs? Hold that.
Kri Kris! Hello?
Kris! Kris, hi, I'm here.
Oh, God. Sorry, sorry,
Bad sister, number one.
So I didn't think you'd come, Kris.
You look lovely.
Well, here I am. Thank you.
Look, the club's a bit D-list,
don't think you'd like it.
Took me 15 minutes to get here,
you think I'm just going all the way
back again? I don't think so.
So, what I thought we could do
Treat for you.
..is go Scaglo's.
Love Scaglo's.
You've never been.
Dreamt about it.
You're gonna need to get changed,
because Yeah. Yeah.
What's happened to your hair?
Yeah, no, I just, like,
it's been windy.
But the wind's made it greasy.
Yeah, no, it does that.
OK, let's go Scaglo,
it's a members' club. Yeah.
I can sign you in.
Ooh, lush.
Member of a shit!
Bye, Carole.
Who? Who, though?
Who could you be?
Er, yeah, that's
Well, Dina's dad's sister.
Erm
She's a post woman.
Get a grip, Caroline.
Were you gonna pretend you didn't
know your mates or something? No.
Hello, ladies.
Hello.
Would you like to go somewhere
a little bit special
for a dance and a glass?
Yeah.
Cards on the boujee table
I will be a laugh.
Uh, Steven.
Yeah?
Happy Birthday.
Can I celebrate you?
Look under the large milk.
Oh, my God.
SOFT GASP
It's a cake,
five pounds,
and the music wires.
Your three favourite.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
MUSIC: Gold by Kiiara
Yeah, it's actually
where Carole Vorderman comes.
Is these olives for free?
I bring my own pork.
To knowing each other well!
Ohhh! Belter!
Oww!
They know I love my fizz here!
Cham-bain of my life!
Did you hear that?
That's wicked wordplay, that, innit?
Phwoar
Oh, is that for sharing?
You gotta show me how
to do that, man.
Right after I've snooked.
OK, I've got one for you two.
What is, yeah,
the sexiest thingever?
Ooh.
Come on, sons of kings.
Gimme me an answer.
OK, I guess, er, maybeeyes.
Er, yeah, eyes are
sex on heads.
AL LAUGHS
Eyes?
Eurgh.
What d'you mean, eurgh?
It's NOT sexy. I don't get
What even is eyes?
I swear they're not nice.
I think I hateeyes,
d'you know what I mean? I swear
the body's supposed to be skins,
and then you've just got,
like, two bits of water on your head
for looking at things,
and everyone's saying it's so sexy.
It's not sexy.
I find them to be quite spooky.
Do you not agree? I'm trying to have
a lads' conversation with you!
Do you not agree with me? It's such
a good point,
I just need to think it through.
What you laughing at? Is that wrong?
Never heard it put like that,
but I know what you mean about eyes.
We agree?
We have an agreement on an eye!
Ha ha! You gotta get it,
you gotta get it.
You got me, eyes are disgusting,
I dunno what I was thinking.
Yeah, OK. Come on, boys!
CHANTING: We don't like eyes,
we don't like eyes
Oh, let's have a little toast
to singledom, ladies.
Trotters in the air
if you're not in a relation-shit!
Trotters!
Clippy clop, trot trot.
I don't understand.
She doesn't get it.
So, no, she's asking
if you're single.
Erm, well, it's sort of half trot
for me,
erm, I'm sort of spoken for
but, well the name
of my other half is
Mr Carole's career, I'm afraid.
Carole, why you so ashame
to be single?
I'm single like one dollar bill.
Put me in stripper knickers,
please.
Yes, please! Ooh.
She's like, married to her work?
Like one of those weirdo nutters
you get online
getting married to a wall
or something. No!
LAUGHS
I just live
for the nine to five, Kris.
And I do too.
Woo!
Woo. Scaglos!
Do you?
Do you both indeed?
And do the zips on your minges
come down,
or are they all jammed up
from all that nine to five?
The pussies are bike locked.
Oh, dear.
Actually, Carole's ming is open,
cos she did take sex
with my brother.
Well, I don't know if you're aware,
but Caro has actually told me
that your brother is somewhat
of a poo emoji,
as is your family business.
No, cos I never
Well, I actually like the poo emoji,
cos it's better than normal poo,
and at least it has some cheer.
Well, by the process
of discrimination,
I have reached a conclusion
about my wingman-lady for tonight.
Oooh, I got selection.
Shall we go an have
a little boogie, Karis,
and find ourselves some nice,
juicy scrote? Karis in the house.
Do you want me to come, Kris?
No, thank you.
Oooh! Link link link
SIGHS: They better do burgers here.
You know, like, dinner? You're not
getting dinner here, innit, but
This is my first beer of the night.
I've had it for three hours!
MUSIC: Party Rock Anthem
by LMFAO
Party Rock!
Yeah
ECHOES: Woo!
Let's go
Party rock is in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
Yeah
And we gon' make you
lose your mind
Woo
Everybody just have a good time
Clap!
Party rock is in the house tonight
Oh!
Everybody just have a good time
I can feel it, baby
And we gon' make you
lose your mind
Yeah!
We just wanna see you
Oh, lovely, that's lovely,
thanks very much, great.
Shake that!
Shufflin', shufflin'
Get up, get up
Get up, get up
Get up
Put your hands up to the sound
To the sound
Woo!
Put your hands up
Put your hands up
Put your hands up
Put your hands up ♪
It's for sharing.
STEVEN SINGING CYPRIOT MELODY
I'm glad you enjoy yourself, Steven.
Eh? I am glad
you are enjoy yourself.
Are you OK, Steven?
Just giving you a look.
Oh, my God, Steven
When I was a young boy, anyway,
no, I knew I always wanted to find
a woman that was just like my dad.
Cos I love him so much, and I just
wanna be with someone I love
like I love my dad. And then
with Katia, she come along,
and it's like,
you ain't like my dad!
Do you know what I mean?
You're nothing like my dad!
But then she turns up today,
and it's like,
yeah, she looks really nice
but that's only cos she looks
really good, and sexy,
cos of how attractive I find her.
OK. So, sip
if you've done the thing.
SUITORS CHUCKLE
I have never
had an orgasm during surgery.
LAUGHTER AND OOHS
No way.
I have never died.
No, Sophie, no, you don't get it.
What can I say
so I'm allowed to have my drink?
Erm, OK, I've got one.
Erm, I've never had a baby
with a pleb.
CHUCKLING
OK, I have never been
a rancid disgrace to women.
Drink, Carole.
Oh, OK, erm, I never
fancied a geek at work.
Go on then, Sophie,
you can have a drink now.
I've been wanting
to have my drink all night
but you made the drinks into a game.
Sophie, I tell you don't bring her.
Yeah, well, you should have told me
to don't bring me.
You lot all just wanna talk
about lads and chaps
and that means that
you're not even feminism.
Don't you dare!
You include me in that?
You don't know feminism
if it did a march on your pussy.
Her brother marched on your pussy.
Oh, my, no!
Ooh, I like the sound of him now.
I don't think it's very nice to say
stuff about my brother marching.
I'm really lovely
to everyone all the time
and you lot are saying
everything every day!
Oh, sorry
Oh, OK, sorry or whatever.
BLOKE: Oh, she's nicking the olives!
It's Scaglo's! Sophie, don't!
Sophie, wait, please! No, Karis,
I've just ordered you
some fishy bits
Soiled the night, you soiled it.
You turn everything
you touch into you, don't you?
A big fungal tosser.
If you're gutted that you work
in a shithole, then just divorce it.
Don't take it out on me
that you're a gutted mum.
But I'm not a gutted mum,
and I could work
anywhere I want, Kris.
Kris! And I am
a very, very bubbly mum!
Oh! Ciao.
Oh, nah, not this one. Let's
keep it moving to the next pub,
Prince and Fig, yeah?
What's wrong with this one?
Ah! It seems we stumbled into
a jury group of lettings agents,
m'Donkey!
Oh, you're smoking?
We've been drinking.
You all right? Anthony Stappan.
You know that I know that.
You know, erm,
Cem and G.
Cem.
G
How's your wife?
Don't you dare ask me about my wife.
Come on, Cem.
I beg we just move our bodies
to the next location.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're not
Whoa, what, you're not coming in?
Well, we were gonna go
All the estate agents are in there,
we got Smethwick's,
Chigby Estate
I've never known Al to miss
a Funny Funny Fridays.
Ohh, er
What, you've come here before?
I did No. Well
Why've you never bought him?
You teetotal or something?
Totally what?
Listen, don't worry about it, bruv,
Julian used to just drag us here
every Friday,
and it just became a thing. It's a
letting agents pub or whatever,
it's fine. Yeah, I mean, honestly,
I sometimes stay at the youth hostel
over the road as a treat,
come here to get a drink
to get myself tired.
Let's So you lot come here all
the time
and I don't even get invitatioment?
I mean, I barely invited myself,
so Bruv, it's just
You're hype! And it's hard to hang
around with you sometimes, so
You lot are loo.
You think I don't wanna
come to a pub with lettings agents
where they're cracking up?
Those are my two top things.
It's fine. I To be honest, I just
wanna go in there on my own.
I'm just gonna
I'm just gonna crack up anyway.
I'm thinking just about laughing
in there,
and it's cracking me up anyway!
We're going to the Prince and Fig,
man, let's just
Stath, we're going to the Prince
and
STILL CHUCKLING
What's the difference between
Chigby Estates and Smethwicks?
One's a shit agency,
the other is an incredible agency.
LAUGHTER
I wonder which is which?
CHORTLING FADES
WISTFUL PIANO
BEGINS TO SWELL
LAUGHING SPORADICALLY
SLOW, DISTORTED GUFFAW
MELANCHOLIC PIANO
SLOWED-DOWN LAUGH
CHORTLES
SLOW-MO CACKLE
GENTLE HARP
Who wants some more of
the Randolph?
How are you finding
the stand up, Stath?
I can't stop laughing at it.
Nah, let's bounce.
This is about to get
dangerously shit. Sorry,
can you let me just find everything
completely hilarious for once?
Is that the barber shop agency?
Lawd, have mercy!
Er, do you ever try and unlock doors
with scissors?
What, us?
Tsk, no. Er, keys?
Yes, this is a real hog roast!
That's what we should do,
that's what we should do.
Let's do a roast,
like the comedy roast shows
where they do a roast?
Comedy roast!
Erm, OK.
Hey, Michael and Eagle are in,
ladies and gentlemen.
Guys, get a drink!
The toilet's that way.
Hey!
This guy, he's got, er
he's got a white car.
It isn't even nice.
Who has a car that isn't nice?
Don't roast me!
Shh
Ohh
Tossers.
Oh!
He doesn't even know what it's like
to feel the love of a real woman.
Don't roast me for that!
You don't have a wife. ALL: Ooh.
I've been trying to have a wife.
And you'll never have a wife.
AL: Oh, he'll have a wife.
As far as I'm aware,
Michael and Eagle
have no properties on Durkby Road
Oh, he's killing us.
Me and my wife, the respect we have
for each other
Someone stop him
talking about his wife.
..it would leave you speechless.
..Kirkwood Gardens,
Dicksel Lane,
erm, Butcher Hill
Is he just naming streets?
I always see a postwoman
hanging around in there.
Shouldn't it just be
letting agents?
Shut Shut up! Shut up,
shut up, tonight.
Right.
Ooh. Oh, ha ha ha ha!
Father Christmas. Ha ha ha, innit.
All right, listen? OK.
OK, what's the deal
What's the deal with you lot?
You lot have all been
coming here for ages,
but I've never been here.
Cos I didn't even know
about it. Dusty!
Did he say dusty?
Dusty.
I could say something disgraceful
to every person in this room.
Chigby. Oh, what's your name,
Chigby?! Pff!
That sounds more like the kind of,
erm
a baby doing a
being sick.
RETCHES: Chigby.
Dusty!
And Cem, we share a love of respect.
Respect, man.
But you do talk quite slowly,
if I'm honest,
and it slows me down.
Cuss them, bruv, stop waffling.
OK, I'll cuss you first.
Dean, this guy, Dean,
he works at my office, yeah,
and guess what?
He's never been swimming with me.
Shame. Dusty!
Nah, nah, we need to get him off.
That guy earlier tried to tell me
I don't have a wife. Well, guess
what? I don't have a wife
cos I smacked her gently
with my car.
Beeeef! Nah nah nah nah.
Right. Listen, yeah.
I know you lot,
you all think you're bad men
cos you stand in a flat
while some posh person looks at it.
Well, you're nothing.
Trust me.
And I know that
because we're nothing, too.
So it's a bunch of nothing
roasting nothing.
You're air.
Oooh!
LAUGHTER
Air.
And I'm cool. Cool,
something cool from me as well. Al?
You know you're always saying
you want to be more creative, Soph,
and like, do, Britain's Got Talent
and all that.
Well, I think you're gonna
sort of like this.
Cem, you used
to work for American Lets.
What's that,
an agency made of hamburgers?
Deet! Detail.
That's a detail about you.
Oh, my giddy aunt.
Stath has his shirt open.
Oh, erm, sorry to interrupt
the roast material,
but the funniest person I know
has just entered the room, er
Sophie, would you like to do
some comedy?
I texted Carole, I hope it's OK.
WHISPERS: Oh, my God.
Go
She should definitely do
something.
Oh, God, you should
definitely do it! This is so wicked!
Sorry, I hope this is OK.
I thought you'd like it.
OK.
Er
OK, erm
I normally like
to wear comfy clothes,
but I feel a bit discomfortable
tonight
cos these jeans is quite tight,
so they're touching my bum.
I did see on the internet once
that someone got arrested
for touching someone's bum.
So I didn't want to tell anyone
about my jeans
in case they arrested them
and took them away from me.
Then I would only be able
to see my jeans in prison,
and I wouldn't be wearing them
so the police would see my nonny.
LAUGHTER GROWS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Proud!
That's my sister!
Walk into a Smethwicks, it's like
being in a dream house, you know?
Low low, low low low
Easy.
I'm going snake.
LAUGHTER
Oh, oh, hang on.
You were so funny up there!
Seriously, it's like, er,
who let Angus Deayton in?
THEY LAUGH
Did I? Oh
I never said
such a long sentence before.
I usually like to say things
quite quick
in case someone else wants
to say something.
You are the only person
who should be talking.
I felt like I wanted
to get right into Smethwicks ear
and just shout,
that's my best friend, OK! Get out!
No, get back in, cos guess what?
We're still best friends!
I was bent over, over there!
Did you see?
KATIA: I have to be up in 45 minutes
for post,
so I'm going to get cab
if anyone wants to share. My treat.
Well, can I come?
Yeah.
OK, well, let me just get my things!
Oooh, did you see my crips, Katia?
Ha ha ha!
Do you wanna come back
to my dad's house and pat Dina
..with me?
We can talk about anything.
Your trousers, or the future,
or
or whatever.
I have first post at 4:15.
Right. I have to take shower,
cos my legs are chicken jelly
after dancing
and you hit me with your car.
All right, yeah, perfect.
Yeah.
Sorry about that, by the way.
I'm over it.
SNORE
FOLK MUSIC JINGLES
Ooh.
Goodnight. I'm going straight up,
I'm gonna give Dina
some loving pats. I wanna see her.
Stathi, wait. Look at my finger.
What, you done
your fingernail wrong again?
Steven wants me to be married.
To who? To Steven?
Yeah.
Ah!
Do you want that, Steven?
THEY LAUGH EMOTIONALLY
Hey
Hey, I want to be married too!
LAUGHING
WHISPERING: Al, do you want to hear
a joke?
Yes, please.
This room is like an office,
and we're having a meeting,
but everyone is asleep.
BURSTS OUT LAUGHING
God, that's good!
THEY LAUGH
HE FARTS
HE LAUGHS
Al, don't fart!
HE LAUGHS
I just don't know
where you get your ideas from!
SHE GIGGLES
From my bum.