Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e03 Episode Script

1
MAN: Welcome to
Tweetzie Railroad,
your ticket to fun
and adventure!
Come on in, come on in!
Welcome to Tweetzie Railroad!
Ow!
Motherf!
[TRAIN WHISTLE]
Hey, you kids, cut that out
or I'll call the cops!
Go ahead, we'll call
the cavalry!
Cavalry ha ha ow!
I get it, 'cause I'm
an Indian, right?
Come on, Jerri, let's go, I
came here to ride the trains.
Oh, hang on
to your rickshaw, Chin Lee.
I wanna bean that Indian again.
For the last time, Jerri,
I'm not Chinese!
Oh, that's right,
I keep forgetting.
You're a "chimpapino."
I'm leaving!
Orlando!
What got underneath
his furry skin?
Hey, Tonto!
Oh!
[LAUGHING]
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends.
Did a lot of time.
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole the TV.
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
JELLINECK:
Excellent, Indian corn!
A blunderbuss!
Good.
What do we have here?
It's a turkey,
what do you think?
Let me show you somethin'.
There you go.
Mine looks more like a turkey.
Yeah, but did you see
how quickly I did mine?
Okay, good!
As you all know,
when we get back from
our two-week holiday break,
we'll be putting on our bi-annual
Thanksgiving Turkey Pageant!
Gobble-gobble!
Okay, let's find out who's
playing what in the pageant.
Who wants to be a pilgrim?
Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim!
The pilgrims had
snowy white skin
to match their Christian souls.
They didn't sacrifice coconuts
to their monkey gods!
[LAUGHING]
That's it, Jerri, I've had it!
You have no idea what
it's like to be different,
or feel like an outsider just
because your skin is a little
Darker!
Y'know, I'm proud of who I am,
and until you can
understand that,
we are no longer friends!
Way to go, Jerri.
You just insulted
my best chance for an Indian.
I understand why you all
wanna be pilgrims.
Hey, I love buckles too!
But I need savages.
Hey, do any of you know
any of the black kids?
Ohm ba ba ba ♪
Hello, step-mother!
Oh God!
Home from school.
Yes, I can see that, Jerri.
With you, it always coincides
with the veins in my head throbbing.
Where did you get that?
I got it at a flea market.
I thought I'd put it out front
to replace that lawn jockey
that those
civil rights workers stole.
Guess what?
Two-week break comin' up and
I'm not leavin' the house once.
Two solid weeks of you
and me and Derrick,
sittin' on the couch
watching TV, eating,
and then some more TV
and a late night snack
before we fall asleep
watching TV.
I wonder how loud
the TV can get?
You know, it sounds
really grand, Jerri,
but I've already made plans
for your holiday.
I've enrolled you in camp.
I'm not goin' to any camp.
"Rediscover your heritage."
This is a camp for Indians,
I'm not an Indian!
I have something very painful
to tell you, Jerri,
and I've been looking forward
to this for weeks.
Your real mother
put you up for adoption.
You're a full-blooded
Aramapoo Indian.
Where did you get this mysterious
box I've had since I was a baby?
I stumbled across it when I
was looking for it in your room.
It's from your real mother.
I was hoping to give
you this shocking news
when you were at
some weak point,
but the thought of your
being home for two weeks
was a very good motivation
to tell you right now.
Big deal, some timber and a
blanket, this doesn't prove anything!
Whether it's proof or not, dear,
I want you to go to that camp to
find out about your cultural heritage!
I'm not adopted and
I'm not an Indian!
It's just a coincidence that I
have a love of gambling and booze
and a knack
for catching syphilis!
I'm not going to any
Indian camp!
Did you tell her?
Yup.
How'd she take it?
Like an injun.
[SNICKERING]
Oh hey, Jerri, I'm hungry,
got any maize?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hey, tomahawk teeth.
Hey, chief lard ass!
Orlando!
What do you want, Jerri?
Orlando, everybody's
being so mean to me me!
And I don't understand why.
I can't help you, Jerri,
but maybe now
you understand how I feel.
But I'm not like you, I'm white!
The only thing Indian
about me is my underwear
and it's creepin' up the trail.
You need to accept who you are!
I don't even know why we're
talking, we're not friends anymore.
Orlando!
Realization.
Now, where did
we leave off yesterday?
Ah yes, the rape of
the American West
by
The soulless red man.
Now, no one's really sure
what the Indians
were doing to the buffalo,
but it must have been
pretty damn sick,
because millions
of these noble creatures
committed suicide
by jumping in front
of the white man's guns.
Jerri Blank is an Indian!
I am not!
Hey, this'll be fun,
let's have a debate.
Jerri will defend
the godless savages
and everyone else
will attack Jerri.
Don't be afraid to get personal,
the objective is to win.
Or rather, to attack Jerri.
I don't know anything about
Indians because I'm not an Indian!
A cunningly savage denial,
Jerri.
All right, fact:
A peaceful, napping
General Custer
was murdered in his sleep
by bloodthirsty Indians
while he was on
a family camping trip.
Defend, attack!
You murdered an American hero!
It was an accident.
Go back to your reservation!
Cigarettes kill people!
Moccasins provide
no arch support!
I'm not an Indian!
Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
C'mon!
Go back to your reservation!
I'm not!
Ah!
Attack, attack!
Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
Ah!
[SHOUTING & JEERING]
I'm not an Indian!
Circle your desks,
she's on the warpath!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya ya-ya-ya!
Ya-ya!
What do we have here?
I'm sorry, I don't know
what came over me.
I snapped.
Hey, can I have that
for my lodge pole?
Jerri, this is serious.
We can't have our students going
around committing "scalpacide"!
Now, your stepmother
wants to send you
to this ranch for redskins.
So you have a choice:
Go to this camp and learn how to
be a socialized tomahawk-chopper,
or you can belly up to my
all-you-can-eat suspension buffet.
Which is it?
Guess I'll be goin' to camp.
Good, get out!
With any luck,
we can have this reattached.
MAN: Hey there,
brothers, woo-woo-woo-woo!
Ha-ha, right back at you!
How!
Hi, Bob Whitely.
Welcome to the Bob Whitely Cultural
Immersion Camp for Adopted Indians.
You ever seen so many Indians
in one place before?
No off-track betting parlor.
Liquor store!
Unemployment office.
Other than that, never.
I don't even know why I'm here.
For the same reason
everybody else is here.
You're all full-blooded
Native Americans
who don't know squat
about your culture.
But I'm gonna lead
you down the trail
so you might know the richness
of your heritage!
Are you an Indian?
Nope.
Now, you're in teepee 10.
Just follow the warpath
past the wigwams.
I'll meet you
at the sweat lodge.
Hi I'm Wendell.
My camp name
is "Two Bears."
I'm Jerri.
Street name
Spreadum Thighs.
Mmm!
All right, gang,
I've planned some informative
cultural activities for this afternoon.
You know, I've been here
a couple of days,
and I don't think I've learned
that much about my culture.
Look, I've done extensive video
research on your culture, mister,
but I guess you know more
than one
Mr. John "The Duke" Wayne?
You've got a rich and beautiful
heritage, all right?
Okay, let's go attack
a wagon train, huh?
C'mon, it'll be educational!
Let's go!
Hi-ho!
Woo-woo-woo!
Do you remember how to do that?
It's just a hand motion
like this against the lips.
Woo-woo-woo!
Oh my God, you see that?
Gimme that!
[LAUGHING]
When you're dealing,
you deal left to right.
One down, one up,
one down, one up.
Here, nothin' here
Yep, there is somethin' here.
Okay, Geronimo,
what do you want?
Hit me!
You got it!
Hey, hey, hey!
DERRICK:
He took his head right off.
SARA:
Dead Indian!
He's dragged by the horse,
he's dragged by the horse.
And he's dead.
He killed the horse.
[LAUGHING]
[DOORBELL] Wait a minute,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
Oh, we got that
Mrs. Blank.
How's Jerri doing at camp?
I'm just
a little worried because
I haven't heard
from her in a week.
Well, I guess since we
haven't heard from her either
we just have to assume that she's
decided to live with her native people.
Yes!
Maybe she's just having
too good of a time to write.
Maybe she is coming back.
What?
Derrick?
It's not gonna happen, Mom.
But it could!
What's all this stuff?
Oh those are Jerri's things,
we're giving them to charity,
and then we're turning Jerri's
room into a smoke house for Derrick!
I love smoked meat!
I know you do, honey.
Um, do you mind
if I take this with me?
Mmm, sure.
Uh, um, that's a dollar.
This is fun!
Ha!
Are you having fun?
I don't know.
I liked meeting you
and everything,
but all this stuff we're
learning seems a little wrong.
You feel right.
Yes.
I think that's because you
and I have a lot in common.
What do you mean?
Well, I'm an Indian
and adopted, and you
Are lily-white and have two
loving pale-faced parents.
If you weren't adopted,
then what are you
doing at this camp?
Look, I know I wasn't adopted,
because I distinctly
remember my mother.
I remember she'd give me baths,
and she'd call me
her little squaw.
She'd stick a feather in my hair
and dance out of
the room, singing,
I've got a secret ♪
Look, Jerri,
I know how you feel.
I used to feel the same way.
But would you do
something for me?
What might that be,
my brave young brave?
I'm going to this meeting
where we talk about our
childhood and our heritage.
Would you come?
Lead the way, scout.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
Hold on!
The settlers have
been smoked out.
Yee!
Before the pow wow,
why don't we, uh
Smoke-a-da peace pipe.
Oh yeah, that is good stuff.
That'll take you
to the spirit world.
Don't be shy!
Don't be shy.
All right, you know, I'd like to see
a little more cultural enthusiasm.
Seems that Blank's
the only one that gets it.
Fine, um
I guess we can have our chat.
Uh, why don't we start with you.
Why don't you tell us
about your rage against
the round-eyed white man?
It's not a rage.
I mean, I get a little
frustrated sometimes.
Y'know, occasionally people
will come up to me and go,
"are you an Oglala Sioux?"
And I'm like, "please, no way!
I'm Lakota Sioux."
Right on, brother!
My adoptive parents
just don't understand me.
Sometimes I just wanna
Paint your face?
Torch your parents' bedroom?
No, sit down and talk with them.
Right, talk.
How 'bout you, Jerri?
What frustrates you the most?
Look, I can't do this!
I don't know what you
people are talking about.
I'm not an Indian, all right?
I mean, sure, I have a problem
with the concept of the wheel,
all right, but my mother
never gave me up for adoption!
She'd never do that!
Never!
That's an $80 bong.
Howdy, brothers!
Jerri! Jerri!
Oh, Jerri!
Who?
Oh, I'm sorry, you look
like a friend of mine.
Hey, Jerri.
Orlando!
Longy time no seeum.
You buy ticky to come up here?
Look, Jerri, I came here
for two reasons.
One, we used to be friends
and that means a lot to me.
Two, I don't have
any other friends.
Three, I found this box
at your house
and I thought it would
mean something to you now.
I'd forgotten about this
obvious link to my past
that will answer
all my questions.
Well, maybe one of your new
friends can help you understand it.
I hope you find what you're
looking for, Jerri.
I miss you.
I miss you.
Orlando!
Mystery.
Wendell!
[GROANING]
Wendell, can I talk to
you for a second?
Now that I need
something from you,
I wanna apologize for the
way I acted at the meeting.
I was wonderin' if you could
use your "redskin ways"
and tell me what this means.
No, but I could use what I
learned in smoke signal class.
Whatever.
I think it's a message, Jerri.
I think it's from your mother.
"Dear Jerri," that's me!
"You are an Indian."
Well, that's settled.
"In order to offer you
a better life, I
Traded you
for a pitcher of beer."
See, I knew she wouldn't
put me up for adoption!
She continues.
"Anyway, I better go,
that beer is
"Not getting any colder
"and I've got
some drinking to do.
"Good luck, love
Hey, get your hands off
my beer, you son of a"
It just fades out there.
Bitch! She was probably
gonna say bitch.
Probably.
Look, here under the birch
there's a photo!
She's beautiful!
Well, I guess I have no choice
but to accept that I am an Indian
and from this day forward,
I will pursue
government funding.
Welcome to the tribe, Jerri!
Woo-woo-woo-woo!
Oh yes!
Woo-woo-woo-woo
Hey, you savage!
Time to make war paint
out of roots and berries!
Bob, I think now that
I know who I am,
it's time for me to leave.
But I wanna thank you for
teaching me about my roots.
Before I came here, I thought Indian
culture had to do with ethnic pride,
respect for nature and fighting
for the return of rightful lands.
But I now know
that being an Indian
is about scalping,
drinking and gambling!
Jerri
If you ever wanna be
a counselor in this camp,
I'll have a tomahawk waiting
with your name on it.
Thanks, Kemosabe.
Souvenir.
Remember the Alamo.
[GRUNTING]
Ahh!
What are you people doing?
Why is everybody dressed
like a pilgrim?
Is this some sort of joke?
Where are my Indians?
Goddamn it!
I swear to Christ, people,
I will cancel this whole
goddamn turkey pageant
just because you people
are so goddamn selfish!
Who will be my Indians?
I'll be your Indians!
And I will play them with
the dignity they deserve!
Get this squaw a papoose!
I've got a show to put on!
Come into my camp,
my settler friend.
Feed from my maize
and also from my corns.
Hold this.
Woo-woo-woo-woo
woo-woo-woo-woo
I've got you now, my pretty.
Even your pilgrim fathers
can't help you now.
Soon I will cook you
and feed you to my tribe!
I will make moccasins from
your lily-white skin
and flutes from your bones!
Let that
Let that
woman go!
We come in
peace and brotherhood.
If you let her go, we will return
to Europe and never return.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
You frighten me not
with your fire stick.
Please help me find
a fleshy home
for my shiny stone knife!
ALL:
Kill her, kill her
We warn you
one last time, please!
Protect me, satan!
Oh.
[CHEERING]
Feel no guilt, for I thank thee.
Please, quick, bring me
birch bark and a quill.
I deed to you the entire
continental United States
Alaska and Hawaii
For all eternity.
Free this land from the hands
of my savage brothers!
Oh, oh!
[APPLAUDING]
Bravo!
[WHISTLING AND CHEERING]
Well your pet name
for me is "squaw" ♪
when you come home from
drinkin' and can barely crawl ♪
and all that lovin' on me
won't make things right ♪
well you leave me home
to keep the teepee clean ♪
six papooses
to break and ween ♪
well your squaw
is on the warpath tonight ♪
well I found out
a big brave chief ♪
the game you were huntin'
for ain't beef ♪
get off of my
huntin' grounds ♪